Date: Sun, 3 Sep 2000 19:59:17 EDT
From: Lauren2993@aol.com
Subject: Lucky Me Part 15

I know I've been gone for a long time, but there's been a lot going on.
What with "Don't Ever Die Again," the inevitable
three-days-before-school-starts summer reading, family, work, and what have
you, this just took longer.  But you all should know me well enough by now
to know that I refuse to apologize for taking months and months for one
chapter.  I know all you authors relate, so I'm not talking to you, but
here's a note for all you non-authors: Believe it or not, writing is a hard
thing to do.  It takes me a long time because I'm trying to make this story
as good as it can be.  I'm writing this because I love writing.  I'm so
flattered that you like it enough to read it, but I'm not going to change
how I write just because you think I take too long.  I know you ask me to
hurry because you want to read more, but you must understand how
frustrating it can be.  Sorry if all that sounded harsh--I still love you.
I'm not writing all those rules again, if you've come this far you know
what they are, anyway.  And now, without further ado . . .on with the show.

Lucky Me -15-

Jason called my apartment again.  Only, this time everyone was there--it
was Christmas Day.

The phone rang, and since I was closer than Ford was, I answered.  "Hello?"

"Merry Christmas."  Immediately I recognized that sickening,
sugary-molasses voice of his.

My mouth went dry.  The room began to tilt, and I stumbled backward.

"Whoa there," he said.  "Don't fall."

Don't fa . . . .Could he see me?  "Where are you?" I managed as I whirled
towards the window.  I didn't see him, but he could see me.  That didn't
make sense.  Could he see me?

"What are you doing?"  My voice was small, but I managed to keep some form
of false strength to it.  Everyone was watching my end of the
conversation--Lance was standing; he'd gotten up when I stumbled backwards.

"Can't a guy call the man he loves and say `Merry Christmas'?"

"Jason, stop it," I demanded through nearly clenched teeth.

I didn't realize I'd said Jason's name until JC ripped the phone from my
hand.  "Leave him alone!" he hollered into the receiver before smacking it
down on its hook.

I looked at JC and blinked.  I had no idea he was capable of getting so
angry.  And Lance was there, one hand on JC's shoulder to keep him calm,
and one arm around my waist for the same reason.  JC looked directly into
my eyes.  "Has he been calling you?"

It's times like those when I wish I'd let myself lie, but I can't.  "Just
once before," I mumbled, looking away from JC's burning gaze.

"That bastard!" he barked.

I looked at him again, surprised that JC could get so angry about something
Jason was doing to *me*.  "Calm down, JC.  It's okay."

"No it's not," Lance spoke up, and I looked at him.  "This isn't anywhere
*near* okay, Luke.  Don't fool yourself into believing everything's fine
just because you want it to be."

Ford stepped into the conversation.  "This guy's scaring *me*, and I've
never even met him."  He kept his voice hushed so the other three didn't
hear.  He glanced at me, not sure how I wanted to play this thing out--he'd
figured out on his own who knew and who didn't.

"Am I the only one who's confused, here?" Chris asked from where he stood
in the living room.  Both Joey and Justin offered up confessions to their
confusion as well, and Ford had just finished saying we'd fill them in
later, when the phone rang again.

I reached for it, but JC put his hand on the receiver.  "There's no way
you're answering that again.  Let the machine get it."

So I did.  And soon enough we all heard Jason's voice.  "Your little
friends won't be there to protect you forever," and he hung up.

A blank stare into nothing.  Lance guided me to the living room, where
everyone had formed a circle.

Ford cleared his throat.  "I think we should go somewhere else, for now."

"I think we should find the asshole and kill him," JC growled.

"I'd help," I heard Lance mutter from beside me as he tightened his
embrace.

Joey blinked.  "Even though I've got no idea what's going on here, I think
it's safe to say that killing someone isn't the best solution."

"Might change your mind if you knew who that was on the phone," JC
grumbled.  And everyone looked at me.

I broke my stare and backed up, the circle and the six pairs of eyes making
me nervous.  "Uhm . . .I, uh--" I pointed at the phone like it would
explain something.  Shaking my head and sighing, "Can we do this later?"  I
ran my hands over my face.  "I really need to be somewhere else right now."

"Of course we can," Lance said quietly.  "We'll just go to my house."
Everyone turned towards the door, and Lance took a step to lead me out, but
I didn't follow.  He turned back to me.  "What?" softly, with his eyebrows
furrowed.

I looked into his eyes.  "He knows where you live."  Lance's face
blanched--he hadn't thought of that.

"We could go to my house, if that would be better," Joey offered, trying
hard not to intrude on circumstances he wasn't sure about.  "I've got
plenty of extra rooms, and it's not too far from here.  As long as I get to
find out what's going on here."  Chris and Justin shared that sentiment.

We managed to get from the apartment and into the SUV the guys had rented
without running into Jason--be thankful for the little things.  But it's
impossible to know if that meant Jason had left, if he'd never been there
in the first place, or if he just hadn't wanted to make a scene--in public,
on Christmas, with celebrities, in broad daylight.

I don't think I realized how shaken up I was until we were all sitting
inside the SUV, and I let out a breath I hadn't been aware I was holding.

Lance looked over at me.  "You okay?" he whispered.

My heart was beating hard, and my breathing was halted.  "I thought I was,"
I said softly.  I exhaled again and leaned back, my head resting on the
back of the seat.

He scooted closer and put his head next to mine, leaned in and kissed my
cheek softly.

I draped my arm around his hips and pulled him a little closer.  "I love
you," I whispered.

"I love you too," burying his head in the hollow of my neck, "more than
anything."

*****

Still shaky, I was led into Joey's house and laid on one of the three
couches in his living room, my head in Lance's lap, his fingers gently
running through my hair.  No one said much.

I was trying to slow down my internal chaos, and had managed to some degree
when Chris spoke.  "Mind if I ask what's going on, now?"  His voice was
quiet, worried about upsetting me any more than I already was.

"This might not be the best time, Chris."  Lance laid his hand protectively
on my stomach.

"No, it's alright."  I thought about sitting up to address everyone, but I
was comfortable, and I didn't really want the formality that would've
entailed.  "I can't see that there's really a good time for something like
this anyway.  Might as well be now."

"Are you sure?" so only I could hear.

"Does it matter?"  I took a deep breath.  "The guy that was on the phone
. . .his name's Jason.  He's my ex-boyfriend."  I felt a question coming
from somewhere, and I plowed forward before it could be asked, knowing I'd
never get going again once I stopped.  "He's got control issues."  And the
understatement of the year award goes to . . . "He likes controlling me
. . .he, he likes knowing I'm afraid of him . . .so he, he makes sure that
. . ."  I was just saying words.  I wasn't really listening to myself.

Get to the point, Luke.  "He beat me," I blurted.  My internal chaos
stopped around what I'd just said.  Three separate, but almost simultaneous
gasps.  Lance's fingers in my hair.  My breathing normal.  My heart slower.
The calm side of human again.  "That's why everyone was so . . ." I
searched for a word that encapsulated everyone's reaction, "emotional."

I turned my head on Lance's lap to look at Joey, Justin, and Chris.  There
were tears in Justin's eyes, but he didn't seem sad.  "Justin?"

"I'm just angry," roughly rubbing his eyes.  JC scooted closer to his
friend and put a hand on his back.

My eyes shifted to Joey, who seemed to be staring at nothing in particular.
"This kinda thing always happens to someone else, ya know?" Joey
questioned.  "You don't realize it can happen to normal people, too."

I laughed.  "So, I've been upgraded to normal.  Good to know; I'll make a
note of it."  Joey smiled at me.

Chris looked at me, honesty behind his eyes.  "I don't know what to say."

It's never gotten easier to tell people about Jason.  I always thought that
after a certain amount of time, I wouldn't be so sensitive.  I just assumed
there would come a time when it all would be easier.  But it's not.  It's
still hard to talk about.  It doesn't come up nearly as often, now, as it
did then, but occasionally Lance wants to talk about it.  Sometimes he
wants to understand what Jason made me feel.  And it's never easy, but
Lance understands.  It happened, and it sucked.  I can't change that, but I
*can* move on.

*****

One of Joey's guest rooms.  Lance was in the shower.  I'd lost myself
looking out the window, trying to see the back yard through the night.  I
jumped when I felt his hand on my shoulder.

"Sorry," he said softly, sensing I'd been on another plane of thought.
"Didn't mean to scare you."

"That was a quick shower."  He'd already changed into his boxers for the
night, and the deep red of the fabric set off the milky skin of his abs
perfectly.

"No, actually it was a long shower."  He frowned.  "How long have you been
standing there?"

"Well, how long was your shower?"

"About twenty minutes."

"Then, I guess about twenty minutes."

He blinked a few times.  "Something wrong, baby?"

I didn't answer; I just turned to look through the window at the back yard
I couldn't see.

He stepped behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist, and slipped his
hands underneath my shirt to rub the skin of my stomach.  "The guys and I
are leaving tomorrow morning, ya know."  He knew what I'd been thinking
about.

"Yeah, I know.  I was hoping if I didn't think about it, it wouldn't
happen."

"I think it'll probably happen."

"Yeah, probably.  Shame."

A short silence.  "What's gonna happen to us?" his voice breathy, like he
almost wasn't able to say it.

Just what I was wondering.  "Why does anything have to happen?"  I turned
my head slightly to look at him.  "You planning on taking up with other men
in my absence?"  Your absence.  Whose-ever absence this was.

"Of course not," he laughed.  "It's just . . .I mean, two months is a long
time."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious."

"Well, it is!" he giggled.

"I know," softly.  "Lance?" I said after a while.

"Mmm?" his voice rumbled gently to my ears.

"Can I tell you something?"

"Of course."  He turned me in his arms so we were looking into each other's
eyes, and that worry crossed into his face.

"I just . . ." I exhaled, trying to decide how to start.  "I love you, and
I want to be honest.  I don't feel like there's any point in being in a
relationship if we're not honest with each other."

"I agree," he whispered, and pulled me tighter to him.  "So what's on your
mind," he prodded, gently.

His eyes were so worried about me.  His face so set into making me feel
better.  It was hard to look him in the eyes.  It was hard to say what
needed to be said.  "Lance, I . . ." my voice cracked and barely responded,
but I pushed forward, "this relationship . . .our relationship . . ." I
took a deep breath, "it scares me a little."

His eyes became more intense, and he tightened his grip around my waist.
"Why?"

It was just too hard to look into those green discs for a second longer.
They asked too much.  They wanted to know more than I was willing to give.
So I broke away from him and went to sit on the bed, my head in my hands,
addressing the carpet.  "I love you, Lance.  I love you."  I wanted to make
sure he knew that.  "It's just that . . .Jason's so *there*.  He's so fresh
in my head.  It's barely been three weeks, Lance."  My voice shook.  My
hands shook.  Everything shook.

He sat next to me on the bed.

"And I could move on.  I've been *trying* to move on, but now he's calling,
and he won't let me forget, and . . ."  I couldn't talk anymore, and Lance
put his hand on my back.  Knowing he was there beside me, listening,
wanting to help, wanting me to be okay, helped me to catch my breath and
say what I needed to say.  "It's gonna be hard to give myself to someone
again.  After what he did.  It might take me awhile, Lance."

"Luke, we've talked about this.  I'm not ready for that, either."

He'd misunderstood.  "No, I'm not talking about making love to you."
Though now that I was thinking about it, I knew it was going to be a
hurdle--a major hurdle.

He scooted closer.  "Then, what are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about trusting someone again--with my vulnerabilities.  I'm
saying it's gonna be hard for me to get to a place where I can have a
conversation like this with you and not have to walk away and look at the
floor because it's too hard to look you in the eyes."

He was silent for a long time, but I didn't look up at him.  I was afraid
of what he was thinking.  "Maybe I've asked too much of you," he finally
said.  "I am the one who made the first move.  Maybe I rushed you into
this.  I should have thought about this.  I guess I didn't realize . . ."
he sighed.  "If you want to take a break from this . . .from us.  If that
would make you feel better, then that's what we'll do."

"No," I said immediately.  "That's not what I want.  That's not what I'm
saying."  I thought back to that night at the club when he'd taken my head
in his hands and kissed me.  Yes, he had made the first move, but I hadn't
exactly resisted him.  "Lance, I'm only barely strong enough to handle this
when you're here to support me.  There's no way I could get through this by
myself, and I don't want to try.  In two months, when I come visit you on
tour, I want to come back to this.  I want to be able to hold you, and I
want you to hold me, and I want to kiss you and be able to lay next to you
in bed.  I want that, but you've got to know how hard it is for me
sometimes."

He pulled me a little closer.  "Well, now I know."

I looked up at him.  "I do love you, Lance."

"I love you too, Luke."  And our lips met, tongues softly licking at each
other's lips, teeth nibbling gently.  Our minds fully absorbed in each
other.

*****

And the next morning he was gone.  And the ring on my finger ached for him.

To Be Continued . . .

I sincerely hope this was worth the wait.  It proved a bit difficult in
process, but then all good things are.  Drop me a line and tell me how much
I suck :) Lauren2993@aol.com.  Onward to "Don't Ever Die Again 2".  Until
next we meet, adieu.  -Lauren, aka Pook