Date: Mon, 17 Jul 2000 10:20:59 -0700 (PDT)
From: Liliana Mae <thereisnoturningback@yahoo.com>
Subject: my heart is in your hands chapter one

Title: my heart is in your hands
Chapter One: promises never last forever

Disclaimer: this is not meant to imply anything about the sexual
orientation of the members of *nsync. it's just for fun. :)

hey hey. up for a little romance? yes, my story will have sex in it
eventually, but i'm really trying to focus more on the love between two
people, okay? anyway, if you like it, great. send me an email or
something. my address is thereisnoturningback@yahoo.com. i'd love to hear
your thoughts.

on you go... chapter one...
have fun!
--lili
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		     my heart is in your hands

	Justin sat up slowly, his eyes fixating on the paper between his
fingers.  He couldn't believe what he was reading.  It was as if everything
he was knew was slowly slipping through his hands.  Reading it to himself
again and again, he tried to make sense of the words that cut through him
like a dagger.

Dear Justin,

	I hate that I have to write this to you instead of telling it to
your face.  But honestly, staring into those intense eyes of yours would
keep me from saying the things I need to say.  First of all, I love you,
Justin.  Know that.  I will always love you.  I just can't give enough of
myself to you.  I don't know if it's just my insecurities or my own
self-hatred, but it's just not enough.  You deserve more.  You deserve
better.  These past few months with you have contained many of the best
moments of my life, and I will always carry them with me.  Even though it
hurts, I will think about you night and day.  I hope you know how much you
mean to me.  Please, don't worry about me.  I'll be fine.  And I'm going to
force myself not to worry about you.  I know your friends will take care of
you.  Don't wait for me.  Find someone who can give you what you deserve.
Look around you.  What you truly need may have been staring you in the face
this whole time.

Love always,
Matt

	Tears stung his eyes as he realized his relationship with Matt was
truly over.  It's true, things weren't too great between them, but he loved
him.  Didn't he?  Everything in the letter was so true, so real.  Justin
did deserve more, and as hard as Matt tried, he couldn't give it to him.
Matt wasn't used to sharing his life with someone else, and Justin always
felt as if he were hiding a large part of himself.  Matt would avoid
talking about himself as much as possible, even if it meant leaving the
room when Justin asked too many questions.  But all Justin could think
about at that moment was the way Matt's arms felt around him, the way he
used to hold him.  Justin's sobs became audible from inside the small
dressing room and JC hurried to see what the matter was.  JC was always
there for Justin, through every bad night and inescapable day.
	He ran down the hall to the room where Justin was lying motionless
on the plush couch.  He slowly sat down next to him and gently touched his
back, soothing his pain.  Justin looked up, crying uncontrollably.  He
handed JC the letter.  As JC read it to himself, Justin looked at him
expectantly, hoping he would hold the answer he was looking for.
	"I'm so sorry, Justin.  I'm here for you, don't worry.  It's going
to be okay."
	Coming from anyone else, Justin would have dismissed this and plead
to be left alone.  But this was JC.  JC was the one he trusted more than
anything.  He remembered all the nights after Matt would push him away,
sending Justin into a spiral of emptiness.  JC always listened, he always
cared.  Justin smiled weakly through the pain as he felt JC's tender touch.
They embraced and his warm tears rolled down his cheek onto JC's shirt.  JC
rubbed his back, holding him close.  He had always been so worried about
him, fearing that his relationship with Matt would come to a screeching
halt any second.  It seemed that the impending second had finally arrived.
	Justin pulled away slowly, looking into JC's piercing eyes.  It was
as if he could see right through him, exposing everything inside.  He
couldn't hide anything from him... and he didn't want to.
	"JC, it just seems like everything is gone now, ya know?"
	"It seems that way now, but don't worry.  It just takes time."
	"How long?  I don't want to feel like this anymore.  I just don't
want to deal with it."
	JC watched the way Justin's lips moved as he articulated his pain.
He focused on his vocal patterns as he wiped away his tears.  He hated to
see him like this.  It was almost as if JC were in more pain than Justin.
	"I don't know how long.  But I'll be there every step of the way."
	"I know you will, JC," Justin said, trying to sound as upbeat as
possible.  He then looked down at the paper that separated the two.  Half
of him wanted to tear it apart in anger, while the other half wanted to
fold it up and keep it close to him at all times.  He wondered if JC could
sense his complete confusion.  He had always wanted to seem strong and in
control around him.  He wanted to convey a different personality to
him. But he could never hide from JC.  He had such immense respect for him
and wanted that respect to be mutual.  Justin had no idea just how true
that was.
	JC wrapped his fingers around Justin's shaking hand and smiled
brightly.  He wished he could just take away all his pain and see that
smiling face he loved so much.  But it wasn't going to be that easy.  JC
gave his hand a little squeeze and Justin laughed quietly.  He loved
knowing JC was there for him.  He needed him.  Justin squeezed back and
pulled his hand away from JC's, wrapping both of his arms around his neck.
JC held him close and ran his hands through his curly hair.  When Justin
released and sat back, a smile emerged on his face.
	"That's what I like to see," JC said happily.
	"Yeah," Justin said, straining to sound like the carefree teenager
he once was.  He knew he could never go back, but part of him wanted to
just slip back in time to before he met Matt.  It would have eliminated so
much pain.  But then it would have also eliminated so many nights when he
laid in JC's arms as they watched Adam Sandler movies to take his minds off
things.  Wait... was that all that kept him from wishing away his
relationship with Matt?
	After a few moments of silence, Justin picked up the piece of
paper, took it between his two hands, and pulled gently.


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well, that was chapter one. please send me an email and let me
know if this is something you would like to see more of. 
my address is thereisnoturningback@yahoo.com
thanks for reading-- nifty rocks! :)