Date: Sun, 13 May 2001 01:05:04
From: M. F. Luder <jmfluder@hotmail.com>
Subject: Boybands. Mysteries Unspoken. Chapter 3

How ya doing people? Yes, it took me a very long time to actually update
this thing, and I'm sorry about it. You see, college has this tendency of
getting in the way of your writing.

This story is just my imagination. I don't know them. I don't know who they
love or who they sleep with, and I don't really care. Why? Because if it
turns out everything I have in my wicked mind isn't true, I'm gonna be very
disappointed, so I'd rather picture them as I like. *grins*

If you wanna tell me something, write to: jmfluder@hotmail.com I love
feedback!

Check out my webpage at: www.geocities.com/sdlucly/

To Angel, it's gonna take forever for this thing to be done, I just hope you
have enough patience to bare with me
Karen, once again we're back in square one. Another semester we have to
handle college's pressure, but then again, that's our life, right?

Now with the story...

Mysteries Unspoken
By M. F. Luder

Chapter 3

*****

Lance was interrupted by a knock on his door. Picking up the remote, he
turned off the tv - not that he had been watching it anyway.

The young blond opened the door to see Joey in the hallway. "Come on in."
Moving over so the New Yorker could get in, he closed the door after him.

"I hope I'm not bothering you?" asked Joey as he looked at the sea green
eyes of his friend.

"Nah! I wasn't doing anything too important. What is it?" Lance asked as
both of them walked over to the bed, sitting on it.

Lance knew perfectly fine what Joey wanted to talk about, so, in a
preventive manner, he picked up a pillow from the bed, holding it tightly to
his chest. It wasn't gonna help much, but it'd hold his frustrations in
place.

"Do you remember Katy?" The older man questioned while picking at his nails
- something he did only when he was nervous or anxious.

"Yeah, the girl you've been telling me about." Joey had started telling him
about this Katy girl, and old school friend, about two months ago. Joey had
run into her at the mall when he had been shopping. The New Yorker had
arrived at their shared suite totally excited about it, wanting to tell
someone about it. However Dani had flown there and her and Chris were having
some alone time - the last thing Joey had wanted was to bother the couple.
But Lance had been watching tv in the living room when Joey had burst into
the room, so he had asked the older man about it. Joey had told him the
story: how they had been closed friends back at school, how they lost touch
after that, how they had talked for an hour and how Joey had asked her for
her phone number and was *definitely* planning on calling her. After that
they had been hanging out and talking about it nonstop. Every time Joey
called her, he'd talk with Lance about it. Last time had been two days ago
and their conversation had been over three hours.

Joey nodded. "I called her earlier this morning. She's truly excited about
this project she's about to finish." The older man had said that she was as
architect. Katy was working for a big company and had gotten a hold on the
project of a building.

"She's about to finish it?"

"Yep." Joey nodded, very proud of her. "The opening is in a week. She said
she'd ask me to go, if she herself was going."

"She's not going?"

"Nope. She never goes to the openings. Doesn't like them. Said something
about the expectations and stuff like it. I didn't really understood her."
The New Yorker finished with a smile and shrugged his shoulder at his own
behavior.

"You're really liking her, aren't you?" Lance said, smiling at his older
friend, despite the fact that he was holding the pillow closer to his chest
- something Joey didn't notice.

"Oh Lance!" The new Yorker groaned in excitement as he dropped himself on
the bed with a stupid grin plastered on his face. "Damn I'm liking her!" He
sighed and focused on the ceiling. "I could even tell you I'm falling for
her."

Lance glanced over at Joey and clenched his short nails into the cushion,
trying to hold his emotions at bay - something that, once again, went
unnoticed by the older man. After a moment, and enough breaths, he asked.
"Do you think she feels the same way?"

Joey's brown eyes looked for Lance's green pair and locked with them for a
moment.

The Mississippian hold his gaze for a split of a second before looking at
his fingers picking at the strands of the pillow.

"I don't really know." The voice run through the haunting silence.

Lance was surprised to hear Joey's answer. For a moment there he had lost
touch with the conversation and didn't even remembered the question he
himself had asked. He was glad when his mind and memory kicked in and pieced
everything together. Swallowing the lump in his throat of the size of Texas
that seemed to have developed in only a mattered of seconds, he answered
from his heart. "I think she does." Lance had to stop for a moment.
Clutching the cushion even tighter - without making it explode - he
continued, his voice even steadier that he had thought could be possible in
that situation. "I mean, check this out. You've been talking on the phone or
emailing each other for the past two months. If she didn't like you at least
one bit, she wouldn't even try friendship between  you two. Ask her out. At
least you have to try." Lance really didn't know how in God's name he had
finished all that and muster an incredible easiness, but he thanked the
heavens for it.

"You think so?" Doubt and hope evident in his voice as Joey glanced at the
younger man. Lance was so young, but knew so much more than a person his age
should, had been his thoughts more than once.

"Why not? What's there to loose? If both of you think there is something
worth trying out, then give it a chance. If you don't, then you'll only go
out like friends." The twenty-one year old still had the pillow pressed
tightly against his chest and could feel his hands damp from the sudden
sweating.

"Thanks Lance. You're great." Standing up from the bed, Joey moved next to
Lance and hugged him.

The blond man was surprised at first, but reacted quick enough to enjoy the
moment. Hugging Joey back, he let himself get drowned in the other man's
essence and relaxed at little bit against the touch, feeling completely
comfortable in the embrace.

Joey pulled away from the embrace and looked at the bass singer. Sometimes
he thought it should be him giving advice at the young blond and not the
other way around. "You have no idea what this means to me man."

'Neither do you' thought Lance with a sad smile on his lips. "I'm glad I
could help."

The New Yorker thanked him one more time before leaving.

Lance groaned in frustration as he leaned his back against the closed door.
This moments were starting to be more and more difficult with time. With
heavy feet, he made his way to his bed and laid down on it, focusing on the
ceiling.

He knew he had to be his friend before anything else, and that was what he
was trying to do. Suggesting the older man to ask her out, to try a
relationship with her had almost killed him. He cursed the minute all this
had started. If only Chris hadn't been busy with Dani, if only he hadn't
asked him about his eagerness, if only...

'If only you didn't love him' his mind told him.

He had tried to prevent this. God knew he had tried but it hadn't work. You
can't choose who you love, and Lance was the living prove of that. How had
he fallen in love with him?

It had all start with a look here, a touch there. Lance had thought nothing
of it. He thought the fuzzy feelings he had every time Joey smiled at him
were just ought to admiration. Lance had never thought of himself as gay. He
had always been shy and dating had never been within his priorities. He
hadn't been interested in girls that much, but he hadn't checked out guys
either.

He knew he looked up to Joey. The older man was everything Lance wasn't:
confident, smart, athletic, quick thinking, outgoing, flirtatious. He had
never wanted to fall for Joey, fully knowing that his feelings would never
be reciprocated. Joey'd never feel the same way, not only because he didn't
swing that way, but what would Joey see in him? Lance was so plain. A
country hick, shy, quiet, always on the low key, sucked in sports. He'd
never fall for Lance.

Despite his insistence in not loving him, Lance hadn't been able to convince
his heart.

Two years that Lance had been in love with Joey. Two years that he'd been
able to hide his feelings for and from the New Yorker. No one knew about it.
But now, everything seemed to crumble. Every wall he'd built around him to
protect himself from the pain of not being with him seemed to fall apart in
an instant.

He could deal with Joey going out with some girl, kissing her in from of the
Mississippian, telling her he loved her. He could deal with his daily
flirting with every female he'd see, with the fact that those small smiles,
sweet touches and promising winks would never be for Lance. He had settled
for brotherly hugs, friendly smiles and thankful pats.

Sure, it had hurt not to have him around, not to be able to hug him and kiss
him and tell him how much Lance cared for him and how long he had been in
love with Joey. But Lance had been able to live with it day after day for
the past two years and it had never hurt so bad and so deep.

But then again, he'd never had to actually help him with a girl. He'd never
had to listen to him talk endlessly about her. Nope, that had always been
Chris' job.

But what could he do now? He couldn't tell Joey not to talk with him
anymore. He enjoyed their time together. If only her name didn't come up in
every conversation between the two friends, then maybe he could relax and
just enjoy the time being.

Lance closed his eyes shut. He didn't want to cry. He just couldn't cry. But
it hurt *so* bad. Tears were already welling up in his eyes, he could feel
it. He had to hold it all inside. The last thing he needed was for someone
to find out.

Doing the only thing he knew could give him peace of mind that night, Lance
walked over to his suitcase and pulled out a black leather bound book from
the secrecy of its confine. This small book held all his deepest secrets and
fears. He had had it for a little over a year now. Discovering this way to
keep all his feeling in place had been breathtaking. Lance knew that if he
hadn't, he'd have probably gone insane with the pain a long time ago.
Walking over to the bed again, he got a cushion and placed it between his
back and the headboard of the bed. Sitting on it comfortable, he looked at
the book. He had been carrying it everywhere, always in his suitcase, afraid
that anyone would find it if he ever left it in one of the drawers. The
black leather was soft against his fingertips. The tip of the black laze
page index was visible at the edge of the book. He had had it made specially
for this purpose.

His writings.

The same way JC would deal with his feelings in his music, Lance did it by
writing. It was something no one knew about him. Not even his family, let
alone his friends. Hell, he himself didn't know he had it in him until one
very special night a year and something ago.

If he had been close to losing it at one point, it had been that night.

They had gone to the VMAs that night, even won two awards. Everything had
been normal. They had all decided to go alone. So, after the awards, as was
expected, they had gone to the after party. JC and Justin had gone to the
dance floor right away, Chris had gone for drinks, leaving Joey and Lance by
themselves for a while. The younger man didn't know what to do, he had found
out about his love with the New Yorker not so long ago, and also knew
nothing could be done about it.

Joey had looked at him, then smiled. "Do you like what you see?" he had
asked.

Lance had wanted to answer 'Yeah, you', but he knew Joey meant the girls in
the party. He had only shrugged and kept quiet. A little while after that
they had found a secluded booth for them and Chris had arrived with the
drinks. Both Lance and Justin had cokes, being minors JC didn't let them
drink, even if it was Awards' night.

The whole night had sucked for the older blond. JC and Justin had had a
blast on the dance floor, Chris had been flirting with a girl, not really
taking it seriously since the last thing he wanted was to cheat on Dani,
Joey... Joey had been flirting with a couple of girls for a while. Until he
saw `her'. She had pale porcelain skin, long legs, a stunning body, dark
hair and piercing green eyes. To sum it all up, she was drop dead gorgeous.
Joey had dance with her for the rest of the night. He had even taken her
back to the hotel with them in the limo. Having to watch them making out on
the couch had been utter pain for the blond. When they had arrived at the
hotel, Joey had told them `not to bother him' and both him and the girl had
gotten to his room. Chris had even made some wicked comment about how `he
was getting some' that night. Thankfully no one had noticed the hurt on the
young man's sapphire green eyes. Saying he was tired, Lance had retired to
his room after that as he had felt himself in the verge of tears.

When he had been in the security of his room, despair had taken over. He
wanted to break things, but knew he'd most certainly regret it the next day.
Drinking his ass off had been on his mind, but he had never liked the taste
of alcohol that much. With nothing left for him to do, he dropped himself on
the floor and hugged a pillow closed to his face to quiet his cries.

Suddenly all this lines, endless thoughts had started to form in his mind,
like he was remembering the quotes of a play. With a strength he didn't know
he had left, Lance walked over to his suitcase and pulled a stack of papers
from it. Picking up a random piece and a pen that stood close by, he started
to write without even thinking about it. About then minutes later, and five
more pages, he had been done.

There were about five quartets and some random ideas, but writing
nonetheless. Feeling surprisingly calm, Lance had been amazed by it. Only a
couple of minutes before he had been on the verge of self destruction and,
for no reason whatsoever, he was at ease once again.

Ever since that moment Lance would write whenever he felt depressed or just
in the mood for it. Knowing he'd need a better place to write than the
schedule's papers, he had that book made exclusively for that purpose. He
even bought a pen special for the task.

The blond man had never been the one to go for expensive things. He had
always been a very simple person, but felt different about that matter
somehow. The next city they had stopped by, Lance had gone to the mall alone
and bought a Montecarlo fountain pen. It had been quite expensive, but he
hadn't even thought twice about it. It was a lovely fountain pen. That was
the only pen he ever wrote with in his book.

His writing were pretty different within themselves. They were simple
writings, random lines, letter to an unknown addressee - he felt no deed to
write his name. But, most special of all, were his poetry. There were full
pages of just quartets about his feelings. Most of them were over the fact
that his love was unanswered, but there were others on the sappy side -
written after a session just playing Playstation or after a private and
lovely conversation.

Now again he felt like the only thing that could keep him sane from all
this, from having to hear Joey drool over Katy, were his writings. It was
his sanity blanket. His only link to reality in moments of total despair.

Opening on the page he had stayed last time he had written , he uncapped the
pen and hold it between his forefinger and thumb. Looking at the page one
last time, he started to write instinctively.

You just left once again
And I can feel all the pain
I don't even know how to make it
Everytime I see your face

It will never be the same
Not since you said her name
I'm just a shadow in the night
She, the one in your mind

How can I be your friend
How can I lie to myself
I've tried, I swear
But all I see is your smiling face

We chat and laugh
While my heart is torn apart
I look at you and get lost in your eyes
Please, just for once, realize I'm alive.

Lance sighed. How many nights had he spend the same way, writing and feeling
miserable? Too many to count. With another look at the last page, he closed
the book and placed it back in his suitcase.

He checked his watch. Still another hour to leave for the venue. With
nothing else left to do, he decided to try and watch some tv.

*****

The concert went without a hitch. It was amazing how those five individuals
could put everything behind them and just worry about the matter at hand,
leaving all their trepidation behind the scenes and pretend like nothing was
wrong if only for two hours and a half.

Justin gave all of him in the concert, forgetting for a minute how his best
friend was death worried about the Mississippian. JC sang with all his might
as he stopped thinking about all the sleepless nights in the past and the
ones to come wondering what could be wrong with the older blond. Lance
focused on the dance steps, trying his best not to mess up, as he forced
himself not to think about his breaking heart. Joey put his mind on their
dancing and singing as he dismissed the thought that had been running
through his mind for the last couple of hours: to either asked Katy out or
not. And Chris... well, Chris was Chris as he often didn't have much in
mind. He only enjoyed the show, knowing that there was a comfy bed waiting
for him at the end of the day.

And now, on the bus, silence reined. Darkness took over the small place. The
only sound available was the roaming of the tires against the cold and solid
cement of the street, taking the five young singers to the next city on the
schedule. New city, new people. And with that, new problems as well.

However, if you looked closed enough in one of the bunks, you could have
seen a blond damp head laying on the pillows, his face shielded by his
hands. His cheeks, tear strained. A small book laying close by.

*****

Hope you liked the chapter. Finally some stuff was revealed... just in case
you were wondering.

Yes, the poem is mine, in case you didn't notice by the simplicity of it.
Don't think I'm being mean, I'm just being fair. Besides, I always put
something of me in my stories, so this is just another side of myself.

If you have anything to tell me, let me know at: jmfluder@hotmail.com

And check out my page: www.geocities.com/sdlucly/

Take care and investigate.

M. F. Luder