Date: Sun, 6 Aug 2000 01:02:35 EDT
From: LissaAGreen@aol.com
Subject: You'll Never Know What You Had

Title Series: You'll Never Know What You Had
Title:  Thinking Back
Pairing: Lance and Nick Carter (of the Backstreet Boys)
Back Chapter # 1:   A Kiss Is Just A Kiss
Back Chapter # 2:   A Letter From Lance?
Back Chapter # 3:   Questions and Answers
Back Chapter # 4:   Mixed Signals
Author: Melissa LissaAGreen

Disclaimer: This is just fiction. I am not implying anything about the actual
members of *NSYNC or BSB in real life. I have no idea if they're gay or not. 
but if they were I would support their lifstyle. I've never met them. 
Feedback is greatly appreciated. Also Note Chris in this chapter is not Chris 
Kirkpatrick, just didn't want to confuse anyone.

    Hay guys, I finally wrote in another chapter hehe, it takes so long, I 
debate ideas with a couple of friends of mine and I have a lot in my head but 
I have to sort through them. That's why I'll take any suggestions or ideas 
for this.
Anyways here ch 5 (promise things will get hotter real soon=)
    ________________________________________________________________

    I was awoken from the worst night  ever had buy my morning call. For once 
I was thankful to have it. 
The whole night since Nick left, I laid in bed, half crying, half hating 
myself. Thoughts of sucide came to mind, but no, I would not give them the 
satisfaction that they hurt me so much I had to end my life, besides what 
punnishment is that for them? They won't even care.
    I wondered if Nick was part of this game as well. Maybe he hated me also.
I felt my eyes water as I sat up.
How was I going to face the other guys this morning? I didn't want to see 
anyone, for once I didn't even want to see JC.
I looked over at the clock which read seven o'clock. I decided to go into the 
shower and get ready.
Today was the day of the online chat with the editors we had met yesterday.
Some of our fans we're also going be with us for mural support.

Suddenly a smile came across my face, Chris was going to be there. So far 
other then Nick he was was the only one who was nice to me he was also the 
only one who I knew meant it.
I remembered I had his number, I just hoped it wasn't too early to give him a 
call.

    "Hello?"

"Hay Chris, it's Lance, I didn't wake you did I?"

"Oh, no, you didn't, i was just getting up anyways. How are you doing?"

"I could be better I guess, you feel like geting some breakfast with me? I 
just don't feel like being around the other guys today."

"Sure I would love to, Just let me get ready, Should i pick you up?"

"Yeah, just to be safe."

I gave him our secret code that we told the bellhop to use when someone 
important came to visit us.

We had talk a little longer about this and that, then we hung up. I felt  
alot better. At least there will be one person I could trust around here.

Earlier that day in JC and Justin's room...
JC's Thoughts...

All through the night I've been starring at the wall. It's funny how long you 
star at a wall, soon you start seeing images. Okay now I know i"m going 
crazy. I guess that's where we got the idea for that song.

I thought about what we have done to Lance. I felt so awful, so guilty. And 
why was Justin being so hateful to him? I mean I knew he never really liked 
him, deep down inside I didn't think I liked him either, but I guess I always 
have. I guess the truth was, I wasn't bi, I just said that becuase I knew 
Jsutin hated gays. why I have no idea. I guess we all have a little prejudice 
in ourselves. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm not bi I'm gay and I 
love Lance. But what am I going to do now?

If I tell Justin that I'm gay, I know he will hate me as well, I didn't want 
that. But I don't like doing this stuff to Lance either. It kills me to know 
he's unhappy and it's my fault.

I also wondered why I was letting Justin talk me into doing this to him. I 
guess he has that quality with me. Whatever he wants he gets. I would do 
anything for him, but I don't think I can do this anymore. I love Lance too 
much and I plan to tell him soon.

I was also wondering why he hated gay people so much. This i knew from day 
one since i met him. There was someone on the set of MMC that was gay and 
even involved with another guy. They we're always affectionate with each 
other and stuff. It never bothered me, but ever time he would come near 
Justin he give him an evil glare. So mean looking it made me flinch.

God if he knew his best friend was gay, it would destroy our friendship. I 
treasuered our friendship more then anything in the world, but now that this 
new feeling is entering my body I don't know what's more important. My 
friendship with my bloodbrother or my new lifestyle.

I could remember the very first day I met Lance. It's almost engraved in my 
mind.
He practically told us he was gay the day we had our first interview.
We were all talking about girlfriends back home.

    Thinking Back...

"Well, I'm sorta seeing this chick, you might know her, Josh knows her, 
Brittnay Spears. It's an on off thing. It's on right now."

"Yeah you wish Justin, she hasn't called you in over a month." I said. 

"Well, we're working out our differences. Beisdies, I don't see you going out 
with anyone."

"It's becuase I choose to be single right now."

"In other words, he means he asked around and no one is interested."

"Shut up Justin!" I through a pillow that was laying next to me.

"Children, knock it off! No rough housing. What about you James?" asked Joey.

"Huh? oh, well I'm not seeing anyone."

I could sense him looking at me. Kinda starring. it made me a little 
uncomfortable.

Everyone else went back to the conversation. I went over to sit next to Lance.
I remember the conversation, every word that was said. Ever look he gave me. 
The only time I actually herd him laugh, the only time he smiled, the only 
time he called me his friend.

"So your from Mississippi? What's it's like there?" I asked.

"Well it's ok, it's my hometown, I love it, but you would have to grow up in 
it to actually love it."

"I grew up in Washintong DC, so I guess it's like the country mocuse visiting 
the city mouse story." I smiled at him and he laughed.

"Yeah, but I'm sure we have a lot in common, after all we wouldn't be here if 
we didn't have one thing in commone."

"True. I've been singing and dancing for a long time, how about you?"

"Dancing, you don't want to see me do that, but singing yes, I was in my 
church quire, have you ever ridden a horse?"

"NO WAY dude, horses aren't my thing. They smell, they're too big and they 
hurt your ass. I've only been on it this one time, nothing will get me back 
on one."

"Well, I own one. I love him he is my prized possession. If youd like I will 
teach you to ride sometime."

"Sorry buddy, the only horse you see me on is a carosal, that's if you beg 
me."

I remember every word that was said. Ever emotion in our voices. I even 
remember Justin glaring at us from time to time. I guess he hated him from 
the beginning.

I sighed and tried to close my eyes and get some sleep.

Unfortunatly that plan was inturupted when I herd a soft cry in the bed next 
to me.

"No! No Stop! Please don't hurt me!"

I looked over and noticed how Justin looked, was once was a peaceful sleeping 
boy turned into a thrashing scared person. I got right up and went over to 
Justin's bed.

"Justin, Justin it's ok, wake up."

I shooke him gently, no responses.

"Justin, come on buddy wake up!"

"Nooo! Get off of me! Please!"

"Shhh Justin, it's ok, it's me!"

"Josh?"

"Yeah, it's okay Justin. That must have been some dream."

"It was awful Josh. I was so scared!"

Justin buried his face in my chest and began to cry.
I wraped my arms tightly around him and pulled him closer.

"Everything isok Justin, your awake now, nothing will hurt you."

I ran my fingers through his curls. He continued to cry. My heart was 
breaking. I was feeling ten times worse then I had earlier.

What could he have dreamed that made hims so scared?

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked nervously.

"NO! No Way!"

"Justin calm down, everything is ok, I'm here now."

"You we'ren't there when it happened though where you!"

"When what happened?"

"Couldn't you tell tell something was wrong?! Everytime he touched me! 
Everytime he put his arm around me! I hated him Josh! I hated him! But you 
never said anything!"

"Justin, I don't know who your talking about? Who do you hate? Me? Lance? 
What did i do wrong?"

"You didn't stop him! Neither did my mother and I know she knew what was 
going on why didn't you stop him?"

I was so confused. I wondered if he even knew who he was talking to.

"Justin, it's me, Josh, please wake up buddy, your scaring the hell out of 
me!"

"Don't you think I was scared dad! huh?! DAMNIT I was only nine fucking years 
old!"

"Justin, please, look at me, I'm not your father, it's me Josh."

For the first time since he's been in my arms he looked me striaght in the 
eyes.
His beutiful blue eyes were covered in tears. He seemedso fragil at the 
moment.

"My God, Josh, I, I'm so sorry! I had no idea, really. I'm."

Fresh new tears started to escape his eyes. I listened to him sobbing,just 
holding him and rocking hima bit. it was something that we always did to 
comfort each other.

I had no idea what Justin was talking about. He had called me Dad. He hasn't 
been with his biological father in so long,

"I hate him Josh! I fucking hate im so much!"

Even though I had no idea who he was talking about I agreed with him.

"I hate him too."

Who ever was causing Justin so much hurt and anger, I iddn't care who it was 
he was referring too. I hated him already.

Back in Lances room...

    I got dressed pretty fast. I started getting butterflies in my stomach. 
Iwas looking forward in spending some time with Chris. So far he's the only 
one I could truely trust right.

But I still can't help but wonder why Josh and justin doesn't like me. It 
feels like since day one Justin has had this thing over me that he never got 
used to.

I remember looking back. Josh and I we're friends sorta, I knew he was 
Justin's best friend though, but he was nice to me; but soon that change.

I thought back to last night. Why did he have to tell Nick I was gay?
Everything was actually looking good for a brief moment. Now I'm wondering if 
Nick ever even liked me. Maybe he's part of this as well.

I decided to go over and talk to them. Probably wouldn't turn out te way I'm 
hoping, but at least I could say I have tried.

I checked the clock, it was almost seven, I was wondering if they were even 
up.

I took a deep breath and left my room. I walked down the hall to Josh and 
justins room, I could hear voices. I was about to knock when I herd Justin 
scream.

"I hate him Josh! I fucking hate im so much!" "I hate him too."

I steped back. When I herd that coming from Jsutin's mouth, I had a feeling 
he was talking about me.

Even though I knew how he felt about me, hearing it out of his own mouth felt 
so much worse and hearinc Josh voice repeat it just pourd salt over the open 
wound.

My heart was cut open, the one person I have loved had just announced he 
hated me.
I didn't know what to do. I felt the tears starting to break through. 

At that moment I didn't even realize Chris was there. I had backup into him.

"Hay Lance, Lance what is is? What's wrong?"

Just hearing his voice had broken it. I started to cry.

Chris put his arm around and held me. And led me into my room.

"I'm sorry, Chris, I didn't know you were there."

"It's okay, what's wrong? Are you sick?"

"No, I'm fine, I guess, I just overheard something that I didn't want to 
hear."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, I don't want to bring you into this, really I'll be okay."

"You still want to go out for brekafast?"

"Yes, more then ever."

Chris gave me a good strong hug. It felt so good to be in someone ele's arms. 
His grip was so strong. I could feel his hands roaming my back, making they 
way down towards my ass, I didin't even pull away.
I wanted him to hug me. I just felt so safe and protected in his arms.

"Come on," he said moment later. "Let's get out of here."

I didn't want to be removed from his arms, evem though I have just met him I 
was feeling something strong for him. I know I will always love Josh no 
matter how he treats me, but after meeting Chris he opened my heart. He made 
me feel like someone did love me, or even liked me and it's the best feeling 
in the world.

    ________________________________________________________________

        Well that's it, well what do you hink? Do you know guys have an idea 
now why Justin is being so mean to Lance?
    Also I was wondering if any of you knew anything about Justin's 
biologiologic father, like why they got a divorce and stuff and also at what 
age he was on the MMC 12 right? Please I need to talk to a huge justin know 
it out for a future chapter lol

        Melissa