Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2000 20:25:38 -0700 (PDT)
From: Liliana Mae <thereisnoturningback@yahoo.com>
Subject: possession chapter 1

Title: possession
Chapter 1: always on my mind

Disclaimer: this is not meant to imply anything about the sexual
orientation of the members of *nsync. it's just for fun. :)

well, hello again. it's liliana mae of "my heart is in your hands" and
"right where you belong."  this time i'm working with first person--
stepping into the twisting mind of chris kirkpatrick.  my hope is that, as
you read his narrative, you feel like you're getting into his head with me.
let me know if I achieved my goal... my email address is
thereisnoturningback@yahoo.com.

while all my other titles have come from *nsync songs, the title of this
story comes from the sarah mclachlan song of the same name. god, i love
that song. sarah's a goddess. :)

anyway, on you go...
--lili


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I'll never forget the way he smiled at me that day.  And it wasn't the way
he smiled at the others.  It was a special smile, just for me.  And he
looked so deeply into me, I felt in burning into my skin and through my
heart.  I just wanted to grab him, push him down to the ground and kiss
him, hard and fast.  I wanted to pull him into me, holding those tight
curls in my fists and caressing that smooth skin.  I remember thinking to
myself: "Justin will be mine.  Oh, yes.  He will be mine."

I had no idea what the next few months would bring.

The next day held lots of exciting moments for me.  We were rehearsing the
song "You Got It" and I was lucky enough to sit opposite him.  I watched
the way he licked his lips before starting-- that warm tongue seemed so
soft and sticky.  Then we started the song and it was like he was singing
it all to me.  He kept looking at me, then closing his eyes tightly, so
caught up in the music.  I imagined holding his face in my hands and he
spoke the lyrics of the song.  I was studying his face so closely, studying
those deep blue eyes.  I could get lost in those eyes.  Even though I
wasn't concentrating, I'm sure I did an incredible job with the song.  It
embodied everything I felt about that beautiful boy in front of me.  you're
in my dreams at night... you're always on my mind...  i'll do whatever it
takes...

"Guys, we sound great!"  JC's voice startled me out of my reverie.  Justin
turned his attention away from me, causing me to burn with envy.

"Yeah, I think *we* got it!"  God, when will Lance stop with these lame
jokes?  I never liked that boy.  That annoying little "innocence" about
him-- it just made me want to smack him.  Of course, I would never do such
a thing.  I had to keep up my mask.  I had to smile and laugh off the pain
of existence, day after day.

"Hey, let's celebrate!  How about some ice cream?"  Joey always knew how to
turn everything we did to food eventually.  I always felt like I could
trust him.  He just had such kind eyes.

"Great idea!" Ah, Justin's sweet voice echoed in my ears.  I loved to hear
him speak, no matter what the words were.  I used to listen so intently to
him, memorizing every little speech pattern until I could recreate the
scenes perfectly in my mind.  After I mastered that, I began creating new
scenes, scenes from my dreams.  I could hear him telling me he felt the
same way about me, telling me he needed me.  I would sit alone for hours,
picturing him running his hands through my hair, massaging my back, telling
me to lead as he followed.  I just wanted a few moments alone with him.  I
just wanted him.

I tried not to allow the others to notice how closely I was watching Justin
lick his ice cream cone.  I just couldn't look away.  That tongue delving
in and out of the cold mound of chocolate, twisting and flicking against
it.  Again and again.  I was mesmerized.

"Yo, I cannot WAIT 'til we get to New York at the end of this week.  There
is going to be plenty of partying to be had!" JC sounded so excited.  We
were scheduled to have a photo shoot there in the city at the end of the
week, and the guys had already located all the clubs within a 50 mile
radius.

"Oh, it's gonna be sweet," Justin said almost too eagerly.  I didn't want
him to go with them.  I watched how they manipulated him, I knew how they
always made him do as they did.  If only I had that power over him...  I
knew if he went, he'd meet some girl.  God, the idea of it made me sick.
To think of another being touching him, kissing him... My heart sank.  But
of course, I had to agree and put on a happy face.  I was just so tired of
not being myself.  I was so tired of the person I was forced to be.  I just
wanted someone who saw me.  The real me.

That night we had to sleep on the bus.  We were supposed to perform at a
small venue in a mall the next morning, so we were forced to travel all
night.  It was 3am.  I know, because I was lying awake for hours, waiting
for everyone to fall asleep.  I'd been staring out the window into the
black sky.  The stars could have swallowed me, swarming like a fleet of
stallions across the dark night.  I wondered... if I had been engulfed by
them, would I be missed?

As soon as I heard nothing but the soft hum of the motor and Joey's
peaceful snore, I slowly crept out of my bunk over to the sacred spot where
Justin lay his head.  I knelt near him, watching him sleep.  I felt such a
yearning, such an immense desire.  He looked like an angel.  I matched my
breathing to his, slow and deep.  The blue moonlight reflected off his
perfect skin.  I wanted to spend forever in that moment, the two of us as
near as lovers would be.  I wanted to kiss him, feel his lips against mine.
I wanted to lay next to him.  I moved in closer and breathed the hot breath
from his slightly opened mouth.  I didn't want the morning to come.  I
didn't want to face hiding behind that mask again, I didn't want to be
alone in my agony another day.  I was tired of solitude being my only
companion in life.  But I suppose every moment must eventually come to an
end.

I just wanted to tell someone.  I wanted to tell someone everything.  The
misery of keeping it hidden deep within me was too much to bear.  I always
felt like I could trust Joey.  I guess sometimes I'm wrong.


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thanks *so* much for reading.
i'm dying to know what you think...
my address is thereisnoturningback@yahoo.com
:)