Date: Fri, 16 May 2003 21:42:21 -0400
From: Writer Boy <writerboy69@hotmail.com>
Subject: rebound - part 38

Obligatory warnings and disclaimers:

1) If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or
you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You
shouldn't be here.

2) I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no
way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or
anything else.  This is a work of pure fiction.

Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I enjoy
constructive criticism, praise, and rational discussion. I do not enjoy
flames, and will not tolerate them.

That said, we now continue.

***

Justin and I glanced at each other, trying to process what JC had just
said.  Joey, off to the side of the patio, was doing his best to
nonchalantly clean up the burning rocket wreckage, dipping each piece in a
bowl of water before he put it in the garbage can, while simultaneously
eavesdropping on every word we were saying. I caught him out of the corner
of my eye with his mouth hanging open before he caught himself and went
back to slowly, slowly cleaning. Maybe we should have just invited him
over, so he could hear better. He could have sat next to JC, who was
waiting across from us for an answer, his blue green eyes bright and
sparkling above that same tentative half smile.

"JC, I already told you not to move out," Justin said, still holding my
hand. "The house belongs to both of us, and Joey said we can stay here as
long as we have to."

"No, no," JC said, shaking his head. "I'm not moving out, unless you want
me to. I just, I don't feel right having you live out of suitcases when you
can come home, and I know you want to stay with Chris, so, I thought, you
know, that's why I think both of you should move in."

"What about you?" I asked. "Last time we talked to you about this, over at
Chris's, you said that you didn't want to see Justin and I together. Not to
rub it in your face or anything, but, you know, when he and I are in
private you can't expect us to not be affectionate with each other. God
knows we've already had that argument with Lance."

"What happened with Lance?" JC asked sharply, his eyes ticking over to
Justin. The unspoken question of whether or not Justin was ok was evident
in his features, but Justin just gave a little shrug. "You guys broke a
rule, didn't you?"

"Yeah, and Lance and I talked about it," I said, even though he had said it
as more of a statement than a question. Justin nodded again, content to let
me speak for us both. "I'm not good with rules, JC, and if we come to the
house, we're going to be ourselves."

"I know," JC said, nodding. He swallowed, but I recognized it as a pause
for him to find words more than as something he needed. "Chris, I know kind
of what it's like for you, and I'm sure Justin has said it, too. I know
what it's like to feel like everyone's always looking when you're out in
public, how frustrating that can be for you when you want to hold hands or
hug or something else, and how that makes your private time even more
valuable and precious. I wouldn't ask Justin to move back into the house if
I was going to make that kind of a demand on him, and that means I wouldn't
make it on you, either."

"Then I guess we don't understand," Justin said, his consternation visible
on his face.  "You want us around you?"

"Yes," JC answered, not hesitating. I noticed that he gestured with his
hands a lot when he talked, and now his long, thin fingers were all
steepled together in the center of the table as he tried to explain. "Look,
Justin, one of the things Chris said yesterday was that you miss me as a
friend, that you miss the way things used to be. I know that you said that,
too, and that I said we would try to be friends, but I didn't, I guess
before Chris said it and I started thinking about it, I didn't realize that
I miss that, too.  I miss hearing you around the house, beatboxing and
cracking your knuckles. I miss having someone to play games against, and I
just, I miss the company. I miss the sound of your voice, or the way you
laugh. I miss the way we used to be, the way that I could look at you and
know what you were thinking, and know that you could do the same for me."

That didn't sound like the kind of person who missed a friend. If he missed
the sound of Justin's voice, he could pick up the phone. If he wanted
someone to play games with, he could call his good buddy Chris. If he
wanted company, he could come over here. If he wanted to hear Justin
beatboxing, he could grab that tape of the last concert tour. Hell, he
could watch the DVD. He didn't need to have Justin around, sleeping in the
same house, living in close proximity to him, for any of that.

"What about me?" I asked, doing my best to keep it from being too sharp.
"You and I don't even know each other."

"I know," JC said, nodding. "But if you're part of Justin's life now, and
you're important to him, then I think that this would be a good way for me
to get to know you, too. Justin, you're my best friend, or you were, and I
guess what I'm trying to say is that I'd like it if you were again. I know
that what was between us is over, and that you're moving on, and I really
do mean it when I say that I want you to be happy. I don't think you can be
if you can't be where you feel comfortable."

Justin's bottom lip was trembling when I looked over at him, and I knew I
couldn't say anything to ruin this for him. JC reaching out to him, not
just paying lip service to being his friend but actually trying to do it,
was exactly what he'd been hoping for, exactly what he wanted. I'd done my
part to help make him happy by trying to bring it about by going to JC, and
now that it had worked it was really too late for me to decide that maybe
it wasn't such a good idea after all. I tugged at Justin's hand and angled
my head toward the pool. He nodded.

"JC, would you mind if we, um, talked for a second?" Justin asked.

"No, not at all," he said, shaking his head. "I know I kind of caught you
guys off guard with this. You don't even have to decide today, not if you
don't want to.  I'll just go help Joey set the rest of the furniture up."

"Yeah, because that's all I'm doing," Joey said quickly, causing all three
of us to jump.  I'd kind of forgotten he was there, since he was being so
quiet, and I guess the other two had as well. "I'm just cleaning up the
patio, not eavesdropping or anything else."

"Yeah, right," I said, chuckling.

"Sure you're not listening," Justin said as we stood. He wasn't mad,
either.  Leave it to Joey to take the tension out of a bad situation. We
all smiled at each other, and Justin and I walked quietly around the edge
of the pool until we were on the far side, by the pool house. Justin took
both my hands as we faced each other, and leaned his head down a little as
I stared up into his eyes. "Well, what do you think?"

Right then, watching Justin's blue eyes sparkle in the sunlight, I knew
that everything would be ok. My jealousy was stupid, completely
foolish. Here was JC, doing exactly what Justin wanted to, and Justin
wouldn't take it without checking with me first. My opinion mattered to
him, and he was willing to risk losing someone very important to him in
order to keep me. I could see in his face that if I said no, Justin would
walk back around the pool and tell JC that he appreciated the offer, but
that we were going to stay here with Joey for a while. Seeing that, I knew
that I couldn't deny him this. I wanted Justin to be happy, and that was
more important than my worries about how perfect JC was and how he still
felt about Justin.

"Justin, this is exactly what you want," I pointed out. "You told me how
much you missed having JC as a friend, and that's exactly what he just told
you."

"Yeah, but I think we need to talk," Justin said quietly. "I know you
haven't said anything, but, well, are you intimidated by JC?"

I blinked, startled.

"Why do you think that?" I asked quickly. I couldn't believe he had cut
right through the middle of it.

"Why are you stalling?" Justin asked, his smile slipping a little. He
tugged me toward a bench on the far side of the pool. Joey threw a lot of
parties, apparently, so there was a lot of seating in the backyard. "Come
here and talk to me, please."

"OK," I said, sitting down.

Across the pool, Joey and JC finished what they were doing and went into
the house, JC throwing in a little stretch, arms flexing behind his head,
and I couldn't help but watch. I had good arms, but I wasn't tan like
that. I was one of those redheads who never tanned, my skin either being a
creamy white alabaster that Matt and Justin had both insisted was extremely
sexy even though I thought it looked kind of sallow, or a bright, painful
red whenever I caught too much sun. I had freckles across my shoulders,
like Justin did, but I also had them down my arms, and smattered boyishly
across the bridge of my nose. JC didn't have any of that. He had a couple
freckles, but his skin always looked bronzed, tanned, like Justin's. As I
stared, I thought again that I would never look like that, and I caught
Justin watching me.

"Chris, I can tell he makes you uncomfortable," Justin said. I looked at
him, wanting to protest again, but wasn't even sure of what I could say. "I
know you haven't said it, but I know you. You don't have to say
anything. When you're around JC, you're different.  When I met you, you
were like, I don't know. You stood up to everybody and you talked back and
you didn't take any crap from anyone else. It was, you're, I've never been
comfortable, all the way, with who I am, because I can't be. I'm not out to
the world, and you are, and it gives you this self confidence, and this
assurance. And all the stuff that popped up, me being a brat, Chris
flipping out on us, April doing the same thing, you took it all head on,
and it was almost like you were begging for more."

"Justin, you're like that, too," I said, shaking my head. "Your self
confidence rolls off of you like fog. Everyone who sees you sees it, and
you know it."

"But we're not talking about me," he said, grinning. "We're talking about
you, and the way you act."

"And I've been acting differently?" I asked. I didn't think my feelings had
been so obvious, and maybe they weren't to anyone but Justin.

"Yeah, but only around JC," he said, nodding. "With everyone else, you're
the same, but when you're around JC, I can see it. He makes you
uncomfortable. You fidget, and you never do that. You pick at your clothes,
or you touch your hair, and the way you stand, it's, I don't know, your
shoulders kind of drop a little. And then when you do talk to him, half the
time it's like, I don't know, like you have something to prove. I'm not
criticizing, and I guess if I was in your shoes, I might be a little
threatened, too, if the ex boyfriend was hanging around all the time. I
don't even think you realize you do it, and I don't think anyone else
notices, but I do. I'm just not sure why being around him affects you like
that."

I couldn't believe he didn't get it. I stared at him, squeezing his hand,
but his face was filled only with curiosity and concern. He really, truly,
didn't understand why I felt this way, even if he had picked up on
something that I'd thought I was keeping to myself so well.

"Justin, look at him," I said, holding up my hands. "Look at him, and look
at me. He's like, Mr. Perfect. He's polite and kind and gorgeous and
musical, and everything else that interests you. He's your best friend and
your first boyfriend and he dances good and he knows you and your mother
likes him and he's just everything that I'm not.  He's rich and talented
and he has everything going for him."

"Not everything," Justin said, shaking his head. "He's not you. I love you,
and everything about you. And maybe he's different from you, but you have
so much going for you, too, and besides, I already had all that, and it
didn't make me happy. You do."

"Justin," I said, feeling my throat seize up again, choking off the words
that I really wanted to say. He could read them in my face, but just once I
wanted him to hear them from my mouth, and it seemed like that time would
never be right.

"I want this very much," he said, leaning over to kiss my cheek. "I want to
go back home to my house, and I want to be best friends with JC again, if
we can be, if we can both get past the way he hurt me before and the way
I'm hurting him now, but I don't want it enough for it to cost me you. If
you're not comfortable with this, then my answer is no."

The truth was that I wasn't comfortable with it. I didn't want JC around,
not when he was so obviously carrying a torch for Justin, and not when
Justin was so determined to be close to him again. In my heart I was afraid
that the same thing would happen between them as had when they first got
together, that close friendship would blossom into love, and I would be
left behind. At the same time, I was terribly afraid that I was going to be
the one to hurt Justin, that I was never going to be able to tell him I
loved him because I would never love him enough. If I was going to do that
to him, then the best place for him to be would be with someone who cared
about him, someone he could fall back on.  He should be with someone he
could rebound to if things didn't work out between him and me.

"If this is what you want, then this is what I want," I said, shaking my
head. "I want you to be happy, baby."

"Are you sure?" he asked seriously.

"Yes," I answered, and on this one point I definitely was sure of what I
wanted. "I want you and JC to be friends again."

"I love you!" Justin blurted, crushing me against him in a hug. My face was
pressed into the crook of his neck, his hair brushing me, his arms tight
around me. "I love you so much. Thank you, Chris. Thank you."

"You're welcome," I said, squeezing him back, feeling his heart pound
through our shirts and his body flexing. We pulled back, and I could see
the happiness in his face, the bright optimism spreading through it like
the sun had just come out from behind a cloud. "We should go back up to the
house and tell him."

When we walked in, stepping quietly into the kitchen, Joey and JC were
sitting at the table, puzzling over the rocket directions as JC tried to
explain to him exactly what had gone wrong. Two glasses of ginger ale sat
next to them, sweating lightly on the tabletop, droplets of water slowly
rolling down the side, and I realized I was thirsty, too. Joey and JC both
glanced up at us, Joey looking at me and JC looking at Justin, both of them
studying us. I pointed at the glasses.

"Is there more of that in the fridge?" I asked, and Joey nodded. As I
walked over, Justin fidgeted a little, unsure of what to say. JC spoke
first, saving him.

"Did you guys make a decision?" he asked carefully, watching Justin.

"Yeah, we, um, we did," Justin answered, nodding. I turned, setting my
empty glass down on the counter and closing the cabinet. "Chris and I, we,
um, we want to come back to the house with you."

JC stood so fast, his face breaking into a smile so wide that even his
slightly crooked teeth looked perfect, but then he and Justin just stood
kind of awkwardly with their arms twitching, like they wanting to hug, but
weren't sure if they should. I nodded at Justin, catching his eyes as they
glanced, watering, at me, and then he carefully wrapped his arms around JC,
patting him on the back. It was tentative, their arms and shoulders
touching but their bodies apart, and over their shoulders I caught Joey
watching me, and gave him a little shrug as I poured myself a glass. When
they pulled apart, both of them looked like they wanted to cry. How could I
keep that from Justin? What kind of boyfriend would I be if I kept him from
being happy?

"Thank you for saying you'd come home," JC whispered. "I've missed you so
much."

"Thanks for asking," Justin said, sniffling. JC turned to me, holding out
his hand. I took it, not really holding tightly, and gave him the briefest
of handshakes.

"Thank you, too, Chris," he said, smiling. "I don't think, I probably
wouldn't have come to ask you guys if you hadn't talked to me
yesterday. Thank you for reminding me that Justin and I were friends before
anything else, and that maybe we could be again. I hope you and I, someday,
can be friends, too."

"I hope so, too," I said, and I guess I meant it, at least in the way that
I wanted to be friends with him less than I wanted to be his enemy. Maybe
he wasn't a threat, and maybe Justin really did care about me more, but
when I saw them hug, something inside me had started sinking. I could only
hope that I caught it before I hit bottom.

JC didn't stay much longer after that, claiming that he had some errands to
run, and that he wanted to get some food, because there wasn't really
enough in the house for three people. He asked if there was anything
special I wanted, and when I thought of a couple of things he surprised me
by pulling out a small pad to write them down. I should have known he
would, because it was just the perfect thing to do, and I started to wonder
if maybe this was a bad idea after all. Justin and I decided that we wanted
to have one last dinner with Joey and Kelly, sort of a thank you dinner for
them letting us stay at the house these past few days, and then we would
pack up our stuff, deciding when we saw how late it was when we were done
whether we'd head over to the house tonight or wait until the morning.

Kelly greeted the news on her arrival home with the same easygoing
acceptance she used to roll with all the other punches, but Joey was rather
subdued for all of dinner, and waited until later on to pull me aside when
he had a minute. Justin raced upstairs to pack, but I stayed behind in the
kitchen to help Joey load the dishwasher while Kelly took Bri for her after
dinner bath.

"Chris, are you sure this is a good idea?" Joey asked, glancing furtively
down the hallway. "I mean, seriously, have you thought about this?"

"Yes," I said, shrugging. "This is what Justin wants."

"Yeah, that's great," Joey said, shaking his head. "Look, Chris, I'm not
trying to cause trouble, I swear."

"But you're about to," I said, crossing my arms. "Joey, please, don't start
anything. It's bad enough knowing Chris is trying to break us up, and that
Lance thinks we're going to burn in hell, oh, and that Justin's mother
hates us. Please, just please be a friend."

"I'm trying to be," Joey whispered. "If you're so worried about everyone
else breaking you up, why are you trying to do it yourself?"

"I'm trying to do what makes Justin happy," I said, shaking my head. "I'm
trying to do what he wants because I care that much about him."

"What about you?" Joey asked, leading me toward the back door. He opened it
and pulled me outside, so that we could talk without him having to keep
looking down the hall. "What about what you want?"

"Why are we having this discussion?" I demanded, annoyed. I was tense
enough about being around JC without Joey making it worse by telling me I
should be? "I already told you, and I've told you all along. I want Justin
to be happy."

"And he knows it," Joey said, frowning. "Haven't you noticed that Justin
always gets what he wants? I'm not saying that to attack him or to piss you
off. I just, I don't know if this is a good idea."

"Yeah, you mentioned that," I snapped, more irked by the second.

"Chris, please don't get mad," Joey implored me, shaking his head. "I like
you, I do, and I think you and Justin have a chance with each other. You
guys have a good thing going, and I think that's why this is a bad
idea. JC's willing to let Justin go, because he feels so bad about hurting
him, but do you really think he's going to be able to watch the two of you
right under his nose? Right there in his face?"

"He thinks he is," I said softly.

"Yeah, because he cares more about what Justin wants, too," Joey said.
"That's all I'm trying to say, I guess. Sure, this will make Justin happy,
but what the hell is it going to do to you, and to JC? And what about
Justin, anyway? How do you know he's ready to spend this much time with JC,
and just think of him as a friend? Old habits are hard to break, Chris, and
I really don't want to see you get hurt."

"What do you want me to do, Joey?" I demanded, exasperated. Joey stepped
back, but I'd had it. "Honestly? What the hell am I supposed to say? Yes,
JC makes me a little uncomfortable, but I'm willing to live with that to
make Justin happy, because I trust Justin. He asked me first, and I'm the
one who went to JC to begin with, so it would be a little late to go back
on it now. Too many people would have something to say."

"What do you mean?" Joey asked.

"You know what I mean," I said, shaking my head. "If I said no, then Chris
would be even more pissed at me for brining it up to JC in the first place
and then dashing his hopes. Justin's mom would be able to say that I didn't
trust him, and that I won't be able to let him go on tour without me or
anything else because I don't want him around JC."

"You can't base your relationship with Justin on what other people tell you
to do," Joey said, shaking his head, as if he himself weren't just telling
me what to do a minute ago.  "You have to do what you guys think is
best. If you listen to everyone else, it's like, it's kind of like a trap
that you fall into. First you start listening, then you start worrying, and
you stop thinking about yourselves and start worrying more about what
everyone else thinks about you. You can't do that. It's the way too many of
these turn out badly."

"Then why are you trying to tell me what I should do?" I asked, smirking a
little. Joey, recognizing the divide, smirked, too.

"You're right," Joey said, shrugging. "I'm just, you know, trying to be a
friend. I guess I'm just going about it kind of stupid."

"You're not stupid, Joey," I said, smiling. "Just, if you're going to be a
friend, please be my friend right now by not saying anything about this? I
know it's not perfect, but I want to try this for his sake, and I already
have enough doubts of my own without other people adding them to the pile."

"OK," Joey said, holding up his hands. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize," I said, shaking my head. "There's nothing
wrong with trying to be a friend, and, you know, with you at least I know
you were doing it because you're genuinely concerned, and not because
you're just trying to cause trouble or whatever else."

"I just hope this is the right thing for you guys," Joey said, shaking his
head.

"Did you see Justin's face?" I asked. "The way he smiled? Did you see both
of them, the way they looked? If two people are that happy to see each
other, it can't be a bad thing.  This is right, Joey. Trust me."

"OK," he said, nodding. "Kelly would kick me in the head if I didn't say
this, but it comes from me, too. If this doesn't work out, you guys are
always welcome here, and if you need anything, either of you, just call,
ok?"

"OK," I answered, nodding. "I should go help Justin pack."

We started to head back into the house, but something JC had said earlier
was still bouncing around in my mind, and I wanted to know what Joey
thought about it.

"Hey Joe?" I asked, tapping his shoulder.

"Yeah?" he answered.

"This is going to sound kind of stupid after I just asked you not to talk
about this," I began, squirming a little. "But JC said something earlier,
when he was talking to Justin."

"And you want to know if I know what it means even though you just told me
not to talk about this anymore and not to fill your head with any more
doubts?" Joey asked, breaking into a huge grin.

"I guess I should have asked before I said that," I sighed. "He just,
Justin said something about me taking care of him, and JC said that Justin
always has someone to take care of him. What did he mean by that?"

Joey crossed his arms.

"Well, you and Justin have talked about his past, right?" Joey asked,
chewing thoughtfully on his bottom lip. "About other people he's dated?"

"Yeah, of course," I said, nodding. "I know that he was with Brit but that
it wasn't serious, and then he was with JC."

"Yeah, but did he tell you about the timing?" Joey asked. "Because I think
that's what JC meant. Justin hasn't ever been single, Chris. He started
dating Britney, and as soon as he decided that wasn't working, he went
straight to JC."

I didn't need Joey to connect the rest of the dots for me. As soon as
Justin had broken up with JC, he went straight to me, pursuing me almost as
soon as he met me, even when I wasn't sure and didn't think it was a good
idea. And there was that thing Britney had said, too, when Justin's mother
was yelling at him, that it was my job as the boyfriend to go in there and
say certain things and do certain things. I had tried to explain to her
that I wasn't just the boyfriend, that you couldn't plug me into the same
spot that JC fit into, and I thought that was the end of it, but then there
was the watch, too, the beautiful gift Justin had surprised me with. The
one that JC said he had an identical personalized version of, also from
Justin.

Joey caught something in my face as I added all of this up, and shook his
head.

"Stop that," he said sharply. "He cares about you, and you care about him,
and that's all you need to worry about."

"Yeah," I said, opening the kitchen door. "Of course."

I followed Joey back into the house, intending to go upstairs to help
Justin finish packing, but Justin was down in the foyer already, with all
of our suitcases. He grinned when he saw me and wrapped me up in a hug,
spinning me across the foyer, giggling, as the bodyguard and Joey looked
on, rolling their eyes.

"I packed everything already!" Justin gushed, spinning me around to point
at the suitcases and bags, neatly lined up by the door. "I made the bed up
in our room, and checked the bathroom and all the drawers and everything. I
got all our stuff together."

"Wow," I said, trying to mirror his enthusiasm. "That was quick."

"I'm just so excited to be going home, you know?" he said. "I thought since
I had everything packed up, you know, maybe we could go tonight, instead of
waiting for the morning?"

"Sure," I said, smiling.

We spent several minutes saying goodbye to Kelly and Joey and Bri, with
Kelly assuring us over and over that we needed to come back to visit, and
that they'd be over after we'd had time to settle in. Justin had told me
once that Kelly and Joey didn't do half so much couple stuff with him and
JC, but I thought I understood why. Kelly liked me because I was normal,
from outside the group, and in a way I was just like her. She had more in
common with me than she did with JC, and I realized that I was a little sad
to be leaving her, too. She and Joey had been such good friends to us, and
I wouldn't have been able to get through this week, and help Justin get
through it, without the two of them. We promised that we would call to take
them out to a nice thank you dinner, and then we were out loading up the
car, and just like that we were gone.

Justin chattered happily the whole way over to his and JC's house,
promising to show me where everything was and to get me a key of my own in
case I wanted to go anywhere. It was on the tip of my tongue to point out
that I hadn't really spent a minute alone and able to go anywhere since the
plane had landed, but figured there was no point in it. Once things started
to slow down, and Justin wasn't holding onto me quite so tightly, I'd be
able to run to the store and the mall and stuff, too. Just as soon as I
figured out where all of those places were.

When we got to the house the bodyguard on duty was out front, but the house
itself was dark. Justin led me through the house to the kitchen, explaining
that he and JC left each other notes on a dry erase pad on the
refrigerator.

"See?" he said, pointing. I read JC's quick little scribble, grudgingly
admitting that, like everything else, his handwriting was perfect, too.

"Justin and Chris - Welcome home! I'm running a little late (got caught up
in something I was working on; want to play it for you later and see what
you think) so I'm at the grocery store. Will see you when I get back!"

"I guess we should go unpack, then," I said, shrugging. Justin led the way
up the stairs after we moved all the bags in from the car, and I paused in
the hallway.  "Which room should we use?"

Justin thought about it for a second, and then shrugged.

"Well, since JC moved out of our bedroom, and all my stuff is already
there, I guess it would be, you know, easier to just go in there," he
said. Yeah, of course it would be.  Never mind that we would be sleeping in
the same bed that JC and Justin had slept in together for years. No problem
at all there. Justin smiled as he plopped his suitcase down on the bed and
flipped it open. "Besides, with all his stuff in his new room, that means
all his drawers are empty, and his space in the closet. You can unpack your
stuff and move right in!"

I'm sure the smile I flashed him at that idea, the thought of neatly
fitting all of my stuff right where JC's had been even as I neatly fit
myself the same way into Justin's life, was nowhere near as big as his
toothy, face stretching grin, but he didn't notice, too excited at being
home.

***

To be continued.