Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 23:16:34 EDT
From: Brwydevil@aol.com
Subject: Boys Bands: Running Thoughts 19

  Well, this is quicker than normal! That's good, I guess. I hope everyone
supported Lance Bass on the Millionaire show last week! I know I waited all
four nights... It was relatively amusing! Anyway... enjoy the chapter and
remember it is all fictional. Credit to my friend Andrew for his poetry
skills. Send all responses- good or bad- to me at BrwyDevil@aol.com.

                    Running Thoughts Part Nineteen: "You Must Love Me"

  The sneakers slapped against the pavement of the 59th street bridge. By the
time Nick entered Manhattan, it would be early morning. The sky was already
shifting colors as a forewarning of the sun's arrival. His breath was heavy
but regimented. He had been spending the weekend in the borough of Queens in
New York. He knew Justin was a few short miles away in Manhattan but every
centimeter seemed too distant. He planned on surprising Justin at his hotel
for breakfast.
  It seemed sweet and romantic. Maybe it was a little too much, though. After
all, Justin didn't make as much effort. Nick wrote endless love letters and
traveled anywhere he knew Justin would be and beeped him a lot just to show
he cared. Was he being overbearing? Justin never complained. But that didn't
mean he wasn't a little frightened by the speed of the closeness.
  Nick stopped for a minute to adjust his socks. The bridge looked so long.
Perhaps when you miss someone, the path leading to them always appears more
expansive than it truly is. Right now, he imagined Justin sleeping soundly in
a warm bed filled with pillows and soft blankets. It was nice to think of him
so comfortably. It would be even nicer to join him for a midmorning nap.
After this jog, it might be necessary.
  A few automobiles passed by and looked to the young man who stood
stretching on the side of the bridge. Some even seemed to slow down as if to
offer him a lift. Nick definitely could have accepted but the victory of
getting there by foot was partially the whole point of doing it. Pain leading
to pleasure. And no mixing of the two.
  The sky turned from a stiff black to a mingling of grey and purple as the
sun decided to rise. He continued en route to the big city. He hadn't called
ahead to check with *NSync's schedule because it might have ruined his
spontaneity. Hopefully Justin would still be exactly where he had been. Nick
didn't remember it all precisely but he was sure the jogging would jog his
memory. He wasn't going to give up. Nick felt he had to return the favor of
their date to the lovely expensive restaurant Justin had picked out those few
weeks back.
  This jog didn't cost him any money. Only time and energy. But wasn't that
just as vital to a relationship? Giving a piece of yourself... Nick had
always been good at that. He never really had a major relationship until now-
nor had his emotions ever been so intense. In comparison, the other
individuals had been mere experiences. He loved Justin. He feared saying it,
though. Those words carry a heavy burden. Not to mention the pain he'd go
through if Justin didn't return his affection.
  ~I'm thinking too much~ Nick thought as he ran. ~This will get me nowhere
but either too expectant or too depressed. Just take it all in and enjoy the
moment... There's nothing available to predict the future, so don't worry
about it.~
  Those words rang true- even if they weren't convincing. He still wished he
could step inside Justin's head and see exactly what he felt regarding them.
It had been a great few months- even though they weren't together for a lot
of it. Separation was something to get used to, though. This glamour
profession demanded that.
  Finally Nick was running on sidewalk. The bridge disappeared behind him and
his breathing grew in excitement as he neared the hotel. If Justin wasn't
staying there anymore, he knew he had gotten a hell of an excersize. There
were always positives to be found. Besides, he had memorized the cell phone
number, so he could always find Justin- as long as he hadn't left the country.
  Nick paused outside of the revolving doors and bent over to catch the
oxygen he needed. He had arrived, though. A smile crossed his face. He made
sure he didn't look too disheveled and walked inside.
  He approached the elevators and realized something a little disconcerting.
He had forgotten the floor that Justin was staying on. His own travels had
brought him to at least a hundred hotels and now every room number he ever
stayed in danced through his memory. Then on top of that, years and dates
began to fog his memory.
  1120,1492,7770,1560,1701,1900,2020,1313,1013,4017... The elevator doors
parted and Nick paused. His legs began to ache a little. He couldn't approach
the concierge and ask for the *NSync floor... he had to get this right. He
stepped inside, followed by two older gentlemen. They pressed floor 12. Nick
didn't think that number was right for him, so he pressed 20.
  It was as good a guess as any. The two men in business suits, obviously on
their way to an early morning meeting somewhere in the hotel, looked him up
and down for a moment. Maybe they recognized him- or maybe they'd never seen
someone so worked up this early in the day. Regardless, Nick nodded politely
and watched the elevator numbers climb up to twelve.
  The elder strangers stepped out and looked down the hall in opposite
directions as the doors closed again and the lift proceeded upwards. Nick
squinted to see himself in the semi-reflective surface of the elevator
panels. He made sure he wasn't sweating from his jogging and felt his stomach
flutter. Was it from the speed of the elevator or the anticipation of getting
closer to Justin? He decided not to speculate.
  The twentieth floor looked exactly the same as the twelph did. Nick sighed
and looked around for signs of security or privacy. He couldn't find any.
Deciding not to second guess his instincts, Nick headed down the long beige
and white corridor.
  Each door seemed identical. He walked a little faster and read the
ascending room numbers to himself. They all looked too small to hold
celebrity superstars. Hotels were often kind enough to book the largest rooms
and suites. Finally, he reached the end of the hall. He looked at the doors
in each direction. From the distance between each entrance, he assumed these
were the suites. There was an empty table down the hall, most likely security
was supposed to sit there. This was an odd hour for visits, so Nick must have
just sneaked by. Unless he was on the wrong level completely and the table
was there for passerbys to sign up for the hotel sauna reservations. He had
no way to tell which door to approach. The whole idea seemed to fall flat in
his mind. ~No need to give up hope!~ he said to himself. ~Just be confident
and take a wild guess.~
  Nick stepped up to one of the beige doors and extended his fist. He bit his
lower lip and retracted his hand. It was still rather early. He would be
waking up the occupants. Was this wise? He quickly came up with a lie in case
it was the wrong room and then forced his hand to knock. He nearly cringed as
he waited.
  There was a slight ruckus behind the door and then some speaking. "I
thought I told you to give me a wake up call at ten..." the voice called
through. "You could have used the phone. Its much more convenient." The door
unlocked and JC stood on the other side.
  At least Nick had gotten the right floor.  "Oh geez... I'm sorry... I was
looking for Justin's room. I didn't mean to wake you up." Nick grit his teeth
apologetically.
  JC yawned uncontrollably. He spoke mid yawn. "Justin's next door."
  "Thanks. Again, I'm sorry." Nick bowed at the waist and stepped away from
the room. JC stopped him.
  "Wait.Wait.Wait." He called out. "You're THE Nick, right?" JC smiled.
  They had never really spoke- even during their joint concert. "Ummm- yeah,
I guess." Nick responded loosely. JC winked with a grin and gestured to
Justin's door.
  "Knock loudly."
  Nick moved down the hall and JC looked after him."How many celebrities
should I expect knocking on my door?" he asked himself and went back inside,
shutting the door behind him.
   Nick had gotten lucky with the floor. Hopefully Justin would appreciate
the visit. He grew more confidence now that he was sure about the room. He
knocked several times and waited patiently. He seemed a little nervous. He
had reason to be. At least he thought he did.
  After what seemed like an eternity, Justin in only a robe, opened the door
and with weary eyes looked straight at Nick. A wide smile instantly beamed
onto his face. He was in shock. "How the... what the hell..."
  Nick, in a relatively calm voice said, "Surprise."
  "What are you doing here?" Justin's voice nearly squeaked. "Or is it just a
good dream?"
  Nick thought that was one of the nicest things he ever heard. "I wanted to
see you... so, I got that idea in my head and just followed through with it."
  Justin peered down the hallway and put his hand on Nick's chest. "Well, get
in here before you have to sign your soul over to my security force."
  The suite was very nice. A blanket and couch cushions were on the floor in
the sitting area. Justin hadn't even used the bed. The blinds were closed and
the lights were off. Hotel rooms had the strangest ability to get darker than
any other place when all the right tricks were pulled.
  "Nice room." Nick commented.
  "It's too big." Justin flipped a few lights on and found his suitcase under
discarded clothing. He opened it and pulled on some baggy hunter green pajama
pants. The robe opened slightly, showing a bit of his chest. "Its good to see
you."
  Nick sat down on one of the chairs and removed his sweatshirt. "I didn't
know if I would be bothering you or not..."
  Justin rolled his eyes. "Where were you staying? I didn't even know you
were in New York again... are you keeping secrets from me?" he smiled.
  "I was in Queens... We were filming some cameo scenes for a TV show and
stayed out there." Nick explained.
  "Queens? Isn't that like a completely different area?"
  "It's not that far." Nick unlaced his sneakers.
  Justin noticed them. "You jogged here?" He was surprised.
  "You're worth the distance."
  "Uptown to downtown seems long to me. You came all the way from another
section of the state!" Justin was impressed.
  Nick took off his shoes and flexed his toes. Justin crossed the room and
kneeled in front of the chair. He looked into Nick's eyes and took one of the
warm feet in his hands. He quickly massaged it. They smiled at each other.
  "I don't remember ever giving you my room number." Justin said after a
second.
  "Well... you told me once... but I had actually forgotten. I woke AJ up by
accident."
  "Oh yeah?" Justin laughed. "Oh- was he alone?"
  "No, there was a woman with him."
  Justin laughed louder and rose to his feet. Nick stood up and stretched his
legs. "Something funny?"
  "Nothing really. I just won ten bucks from Chris." Justin moved over to the
bed. "Well, we could order some breakfast."
  "Yeah that sounds great." Nick walked over towards him. Justin lifted a
menu from the table and held it open for them both to look at. "Choosing what
I want is always the hardest part of mealtime."
  Justin nodded and his left hand moved up Nick's back and began to massage
his neck. They continued staring at the assorted foods on the laminated page.
Nick closed his eyes and enjoyed Justin's flesh working his way into his own.
A full body massage would definitely be appreciated now. Justin was headed
that way.
  "I'm in the mood for sausage." Justin decided after a while. Nick had
forgotten about eating. He snapped back into the room and heard his boy's
order. He avoided the obvious sexual references he could have attached to it.
  "Strawberry pancakes look good."
  Justin lifted the phone from the table and placed their order. It took a
few tries to communicate with the bellhop on the other end of the phone but
success rang true eventually.
  "I wrote you another letter." Nick said when the phone was placed on its
dolly.
  "You're spoiling me." Justin rushed to Nick. He was glad to be getting
another present. That's what he considered them. Gifts. Nick took the folded
loose leaf from his pocket and gently gave it to Justin, making sure to touch
hands. Their skin sparked. "Should I read it now?"
  Nick shifted his weight. "Umm...well I dunno. I guess you... you could. If
you want." He stuttered. "I've never really been around you while you read
one of my letters."
  "Sure you have." Justin sat down on the floor, joined by Nick. "I read one
of them aloud while you were asleep on the other end of the phone."
  "You know, you could just hang up when I doze off, Justin."
  "I like listening to you breathe." Justin unfolded the paper and read
through it. He paused to laugh and looked up and nodded at its author a few
times. He completed the first page and turned it over. Justin stopped after a
few lines. "You wrote me a poem!" His eyes were wide. "No man has ever done
that before."
  Nick shrugged. "Its not any good. I tried to write a sonnet. It's
nothing..."
  "You're wrong. Its very special." Justin looked back to the page. He read
the sonnet aloud.
  "I can see your angelic face before me,
   an illusion most heart-wrenchingly  real
   Your warm blue eyes penetrate the depths of me
   My longing for you grows, pain from what I feel
   I cherish the few moments we have shared
   I long for your touch in ways I can't describe
   I feel for you more than I had ever dared
   The pangs in my heart and soul refuse to subside
   So like a statue I freeze and stare ahead
   At the illusion which before me stands
   Without you beside me my soul is dead
   Till we become united- connected hands
   Till then I will long to see your face
   And relish the moments time can never erase."
  Nick felt a lump in his throat. He had let himself go with that. He nearly
regretted writing it. Justin could be scared to death now. He awaited the
response. Justin's eyes met his own again.
  "You wrote that for me?" he asked.
  "Yeah."
  "I...I don't know what to say." Justin looked back down at the page.
  "Its nothing- really. Don't think too much about it." Nick didn't want him
to freak out.
  "It's beautiful." Justin whispered. "It says so much."
  "I'm not a poet."
  "You could have fooled me." Justin finished reading the letter and put it
in the drawer with the other two. He walked over to Nick and put on a very
weak grin. Puppy dog eyes formed. He was speechless. "Why are you so good to
me?"
  "I can't help myself, I guess."
  Justin leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Nick's neck and touched
foreheads with him. "It's not easy to find someone like you. Cute...
romantic... generous... young..."
  "Don't forget rich and famous." Nick tickled Justin.
  "Those aren't necessary. Plus I've got that already!" They both laughed.
They did compliment each other very well- and as for looks, neither had to be
self conscious when around the other. Nick tended to feel a little nervous
due to the fact that this was his first real coupling with a man. Justin
admired the innocence and jumpiness in Nick. It reminded him a little of how
he used to react. "I don't even want to go on the tour."
  "When do you leave?" Nick frowned.
  "Friday morning. I just wish you could come along, Nick."
  Justin looked from Nick's left eye to his right. They stood silently in the
large hotel room holding tightly to each other. It just fulfilled them to be
together. Nick was compelled to speak but suppressed the urge. He let his
mind patter back and forth between trying to be sweet without words and
saying the perfect phrase. Justin's inquiring eyes warmed Nick's rampant
thoughts.
  Instinctively, they both closed their eyes and let their heads tilt away
from each other and their lips met. Nick's hand stroked Justin's neck as he
slipped his tongue into the waiting mouth of his lover. The kiss caused his
stomach to tighten and his chest to shudder. A slight stubble grazed Nick's
upper lip and he chuckled. Justin had just gotten up- there had been no
chance to shave yet. The kiss continued and neither of them wanted it to end.
Nick leaned forward and laid down on top of Justin. He kissed down Justin's
neck and then leaned up on his palms to look down at him. They both smiled
and caught their breath.
  The room service attendant would arrive in a few minutes, but both boys
were content to exist in that moment. They held each other and kissed slowly
and fully. It had been a while since they were able to be together like this.
Today, they both knew the definition of happiness. And neither anticipated
the coming of tomorrow.

=================================================================

   It had been quite a night. A poignant discussion with JC. A useless
struggle with Joey. A press conference with endless questions. And Justin
telling the group all about his relationship with Nick. Lance was just
surprised that Chris didn't say he was pregnant with an alien child. That
would have been an appropriate topper to the events which unfolded.
  Lance sprawled himself out on his bed and kicked off his shoes. He had had
a long week. He was amused to watch himself on the game show on ABC
surrounded by prominent celebrities. He was a bit overwhelmed to be in such a
company of comedians, performers, actors and personalities. He wished he had
made it to the contestants chair faster. It was more tiring than it looked to
just sit on the sidelines.
  He was happy it was over, though. There's a great amount of pressure that
comes along with that- besides... he was an individual for those episodes.
Justin, Joey, Chris and JC were nowhere to be found. He represented himself
for a change and not all of *NSync.
  Lance kept replaying Justin's 'coming out' in his head. He had known for a
while. It wasn't a secret he liked keeping from his friends but he knew how
important it was. He knew all too well. Justin was with Nick. That sounded
quite strange. Lance had been dreaming of that blond boy for a while... the
dreams with Nick had faded recently but the prospect was always in his mind.
Knowing that Nick could have been with him this entire time was a little
frustrating.
  The only major reason that kept Lance from pursuing Nick was the
uncertainty regarding his sexuality. He guessed that was common in the gay
community. But then again, he had little experience with it. Nick was
probably his first male crush. And now one of his closest brothers was dating
him.
  Lance let himself smile. What the hell else was he going to do? Sulk? Cry?
Complain? Pray to turn back time? Those are all futile strategies. He was
just going to be happy for the new couple. What is meant to be, will be.
  He would find his true love, he was sure of that. He deserved it. He saw no
reason not to find it. Nick had surely been a candidate on that list, but
truthfully, he never really knew him. They barely exchanged two words to each
other. Lance fell in love with an image. A creation from his own imagination,
portrayed in the body and looks of an existing figure.
  He decided to let go. Dreams can't control his actions- nor do they always
mean something substantial. As this thought ran through his head, he shut off
the lamp on the side table and snuggled up to the oversized down pillow and
fell asleep.
  He was sure he had a dream about Chris' dog but it did not stick to his
memory for very long. Multiple dreaming often left no traces or only pure
confusion. What happened next, however, stayed with him.
  The pure white horizon permeated the surroundings and brightened Lance's
closed eyelids. It was so bright, he could barely see the mysterious woman
appear before him. She did not merely materialize there, though. She rose
from the brilliant white and shared the plane that Lance stood on. The dream
became silent. The sound of his heartbeat increased in volume.
  The woman repeated the words she had fed to Lance in the past dreams. Every
section was followed by an acknowledgment that he had succeeded. "Meet your
road. It has been traveled." She nearly grinned. "Reflect. You answer your
questions." An almost normal expression developed on her face that was once
carved in stone. "You will understand. You have understood."
  Lance didn't exactly know how these riddles had changed- or if he had
fulfilled them properly but that didn't really matter. He was breaking
through to this character who had been lurking in his subconscious for
months. An actual person could be seen under the facade that had been formed.
She spoke again.
  "You have reached an impass."
  "I have?" Lance's bright pointy hair could barely be distinguished amid the
white expanse.
  "You near completion."
  He wasn't sure what that meant either. If this was his subconscious talking
to him, he wished he could tell why he was being so shady with himself.
"Completion of what?"
  "You have the powers to destroy and create within you." She moved even
closer to him. "You have moved on. You have moved up. Acceptance. Tolerance.
Recompense."
  Lance listened for the internal message that she was dancing around. "Help
him see your light. Help as man. Help as brother. Help as friend." She nodded.
  Lance realized she was becoming personable now. She was addressing the
mystery directly. He found it was very difficult to ask questions, though.
Energy drained from him rapidly. "Help who?" he managed to say.
  The brightness grew in intensity. The woman melted into it. "You know." she
whispered. "You see. Help him." She vanished. But in the blinding dream,
Lance heard, "JC."
  Had she told him? Had he discovered it himself? Was that his own voice he
listened to? Was it really him all along? The whiteness calmed down and
Lance's wondrous eyes saw the bedroom he had fallen asleep in. He felt dizzy.
  This was not like waking from a dream. This felt as if he had seen the
entire scene right in front of him. As if it was a waking vision. Something
nearly spiritual. He tried to sit up but felt very weak.
  He and JC had both been going through some difficult patches. They were
always there for each other... but perhaps this was some sort of clue on how
they should be aiding each other. Not just superficially... but intrinsically.
  Lance smiled again. This actually made some sense. He still had no idea who
the woman was exactly... or why she haunted his dreams and redirected his
thoughts... but he was sure that it all led to this point. To this lesson.
The questions had opened doors to move questions yet cleared his head of
superfluous worry. Lance drifted back to sleep with the smile across his
face. He then had an uneventful resting period- despite the new questions
that developed. It was the new answers he focused on.

==================================================================

   Traveling all over the place was not only confusing at times, but had also
proven to be very inconvenient. When Howie returned home to Florida, he
realized he had lost the ring that Brian and him held dear. It was obviously
not done on purpose but he wasn't sure what he could do about it. He knew it
wasn't anywhere around their apartment. He had gotten up early so he could
search the place while Brian slept. After looking to no avail, he was sure he
had accidentally left it in New York.
  Fortunately for him and the bands schedule, they all had to meet back in
the Big Apple for a brief filming stint. While he was there he'd be able to
go back to the hotel and retrace his steps leading up to the disappearance of
the jewelry.
  When he arrived, he was also lucky to find that the suite he had used was
still vacant. He paid a busboy to let him back in. There was no reason to
inform the entire staff that he was forgetful. Once inside, he began to look
anywhere and everywhere. If only he could recall the exact place he had taken
it off of his hand...
  Howie dug through the cushions of the blue floral couch. He knew the ring
couldn't have gone far. It figured that the first time he ever took it off of
his finger, he would somehow misplace it. There was no one but himself to
blame. He had felt suffocated at one time by his relationship with Brian, but
he had no excuse for the mistakes he made. He had learned from them, at
least. He never really doubted his love, but he had put his entire history
with Brian on the line in order to test his selfish desires. They weren't
worth it, though. Nothing on earth could take the place of the love he felt
for his lover and best friend.
  Now he needed to find the symbol of that love. He regretted ever taking it
off. He shouldn't have pretended to be single when he knew very well he
wasn't. That was disrespectful towards everything he honored and cherished.
Howie smacked his palm against his forehead. ~Why don't I pay attention to
the lyrics of our songs...~ he contemplated.
  The couch was empty, so he moved over to the dresser on the other side of
the room and looked underneath it. He ran his hand along the wall behind the
wooden furniture but could find nothing. Where did it fall? The BSB tour bus
hadn't been used in a few weeks and the only other place he spent time in
besides the limousines was this hotel room. Howie was losing hope and
patience. His last resort was to go out and buy an identical ring to the one
he lost... but that seemed indecent, somehow.
  He laid next to the dresser as he thought. There were no more nooks and
crannies to trudge through. The place had been turned upside down. He was
going to have to tell Brian that it slipped off his finger and down the drain
or something. Who knows- that might have been the truth. Howie didn't know
where he'd left it in the first place. If it was near a sink, that could have
been its fate.
  Howie rolled onto his back and saw a shadow enter into the doorway. He
tilted his head back and saw Brian standing there upside down. (Well, upside
down from Howie's angle.) Instantly he smiled and jumped to his feet.
  "Brian! What are you doing here? You stormed out of Nick's room yesterday
and I got worried. Are you okay?" Howie smiled and approached the boy.
  Brian avoided Howie's question and bluntly threw out one of his own. "Were
you looking for something?"
  Howie was going to be honest and say he had forgotten it here so that he
could make an excuse for not wearing it and being in the hotel but he didn't
get a chance to answer. Brian spoke again instead.
  "You know, the hotel people called our manager this morning." he said.
"They found something while they were cleaning up." Brian stood by the
window. "Do you know what they found?"
  Howie's face looked tense and shaky. Brian never looked so vehement before
about anything. If he had only gone to the front desk and not to the bellhop
he could have found out they had contacted his manager and avoided this
situation. He answered, "What?"
  Brian took the matching ring from his pocket and grinned slightly. "Your
ring."
  Howie was relieved. He smiled and said, "Thank goodness! I've been going
mad!"
  Brian lifted the silver band out of his pocket and stood motionless. He was
waiting for an excuse as to why the ring was no longer on his boyfriend's
hand. Howie walked closer and tried to appear as innocent as possible.
  "I would never forgive myself if I lost that!" Howie sighed. Brian found it
very difficult to stay angry. But if Nick was right and Howie had cheated on
him, he couldn't just let it slide.
  "Do you know where they found it?" Brian asked solemnly.
  Howie wished he could come up with the answer. His memory was blank. "I
dunno... under the bed. It must have fallen somewhere."
  Brian shook his head very slowly. "The back of the desk drawer. Apparently
there has been a chronic amount of missing Bibles in hotel rooms and the
staff was required to inspect every room for the Good Book after each check
room. They found your ring in the drawer."
  "Oh." Howie nodded. "Well- let's thank the hapless criminals of New York...
the Bible thieves helped me relocate my most prized possession."
  Brian just considered it aimless sweet-talking now. He had no intention of
yielding- even though his love was nearly overpowering his anger.
  Howie remembered taking it off and putting it in the drawer now. He had
left Brian's room, gotten ready to go out and see the city and then taken it
off and placed it there, so he wouldn't forget it. The opposite effect
occurred.
  Howie felt the tension coming from Brian. He was taking this incident worse
than Howie thought he would. Maybe it was that bad. It didn't seem it at the
time that Howie had taken the ring off... but looking back, he could have
been wrong. Very wrong.
  "Why was your ring in the back of a drawer?" Brian asked.
  It came down to this. Howie had to either tell the truth or make up some
outlandish tale. He knew he had made an error. He loved Brian. The images he
saw over the last Christmas had proven that. The truth was the only escape
route.
  "Listen, Brian... that was a really bad week for me. I just had so much on
my mind that I needed to cut everything out of my life. I took the ring off
and I must have placed it in that drawer... I really have been going crazy...
It was stupid of me." Howie tried to explain.
  Brian handed the ring over to Howie and took a step back. "It was a bad
week for us." Brian concurred. "Young relationships that are so committed,
like ours, tend to have bad weeks. But that's what I'm having a hard time
believing. That we're in a committed relationship." Brian turned towards the
window.
  Howie asked, "What do you mean?"
  Brian paused. He didn't want to bring Nick's name into this. It was his
only source, though. "We've spent weeks in hotels across this country and in
Europe too... LAst year was the first time we didn't share a room. Why is
that?" Brian was attempting to be sly, but maybe he was just acting strange.
  Howie wasn't sure how to read his lover. He had started with a grin but now
he was full of suspicion. "We've been through this... I just wanted to be
alone."
  This is what Brian was waiting for. He had wanted to hear it and he had
dreaded hearing it. He knew Howie hadn't been alone. That excuse merely
pushed more guilt upon him. Brian refused to explode and whine and rave. He
calmly nodded and asked straight out, "Who else were you alone with?"
  "What do you mean?"
  Brian didn't want pretense either. "Answer me. Did someone else meet with
you in this hotel room."
  Howie's instinct was to say no. He felt driven by his darker side. But he
couldn't lie. He didn't want to lie. He had indeed brought a very attractive
young man back to this place in the cold December past. That was wrong. He
would never know what made him do it. Hormones? He didn't want to incriminate
himself. "Bri, we've worked everything out since then. Let's just be happy
with what we've got, okay?"
  Brian was stationary. "Tell me. Yes or no."
  Howie knew he couldn't deny it- but by admitting it, an entire story would
unfold. He couldn't justify himself but he didn't want to lose Brian. "Its
more complicated than that..." Howie began. "But yes."
  Brian thought he would be surprised and angry and overly explosive.
Instead, he just felt an excruciating pain radiating across his chest and the
rest of him went numb. With all the two of them had been through, Brian never
thought Howie could be so deceptive with him. He was looking at a man that he
felt he'd never seen before. "Who was he?"
  Howie hated hearing that question. He didn't want to see such a pained look
on Brian's perfect face. "It was a nobody. I just met him out of the blue. It
was an impulse, Brian. I don't know why it happened. This is foolish- can't
we just forget about this? Please." Howie attempted to get closer but Brian
moved back towards the door abruptly.
  He didn't want to show the tears forming in his eyes. "You're telling me to
just pretend you didn't cheat on me?" His voice was uncontrollable and
wavering. He tried to control himself.
  "Don't talk like that. I would never cheat on you... I... I plead insanity,
okay?" Howie tried to laugh it off. He stepped closer to Brian again. "We all
make mistakes. We're together again... I'm sorry I even thought about being
with someone else."
  Brian squeezed his eyes tightly shut. "I can't believe I didn't know. I
can't believe you were going to get away with this."
  "Get away with- Brian, we have an intense relationship. We're too young to
just let a little error destroy our entire futures."
  "I can't even look at you the same way anymore! I can't trust a word you
say!" Brian leaned his head on the door.
  Howie felt compassion for what Brian must be feeling, but he was confused
why they couldn't talk the whole thing out rationally. Maybe Brian was
overreacting, but his emotions couldn't be accessed and triggered easily. He
thought he was taking it much better than he could have. Nothing was broken
yet- furniture or bones. Howie closed his eyes. "Brian... what do you want me
to do? It already happened... we have to talk this through."
  "No..." Brian's bloodshot eyes opened and glared at the object of his
frustration. "I tried to talk to you when you were 'searching for
yourself'... I tried to talk to you when you were simply mad at the world...
and you brushed me off at every corner. I loved you and waited for you to
figure yourself out. If I had known you were sneaking around behind my back,
I wouldn't have wasted my time on worrying about you." Brian didn't hold back
this time. "I can't forgive something like that. I can't even understand it."
Howie tried to intervene but Brian roughly opened the door. He stepped out
into the hall and looked at his hand. "I would give you this ring back if I
didn't think you'd give it to the next pretty face that waved. I gave you my
heart. And now its worse off than it was when we started. We can talk about
that someday if I we ever talk about anything."

==============================================================

  He was far too tired to notice the piece of paper on the floor. As the door
shut, it got caught underneath and was crunched into a thin shard.
  He made his way to the bathroom and splashed water in his face. He brushed
his teeth and took off his shirt and tossed it into the hamper.
  The bed never looked as comfortable as it did on this night. He had no idea
what had worn him out. After meeting Lana, they had all gone to the hotel
restaurant for a meal. It was AJ's treat, so no one complained about ordering
too much or having leftovers.
  ~Maybe I'm just metabolizing or digesting oddly~ Chris thought to himself
as he crawled into the bed and let his head sink into the pillow. ~Lots of
people get exhausted after big meals.~
  His eyelids could not stay open and in no time, Chris was fast asleep. Not
a sound, not a murmur, not an echo entered the room. It was as quiet and as
suspiciously stagnant as a tomb.
  The door that led to the adjoining room slowly opened. It did not squeak or
drag along the carpet. No light bled into the suite. No air movement caused a
breeze. The first wave of Chris' comfy snores broke the silence.
  The dark figure moved along the walls without making a sound. The perimeter
of the room had been previously mapped out. A sharpened letter opener was
pulled from a concealed pocket. The sides had been meticulously shaved to
hairsplitting sharpness and the tip was designed to rip through anything with
such fierceness that it was competition even for ginsu.
  The crumpled, folded, mutilated paper at the foot of the doorway was lifted
up and opened. It read, "Times Up" in the eerie, sinister glowing ink. It was
placed on the desk top on the way over towards the bed.
  Chris lay innocently sleeping as the lethal weapon was raised above his
body. The precision and force occurred so rapidly that he didn't even awaken.
The darkness in his mind merely grew darker and duller...

===================================================================

   All right then. Its constructed a little different this week, but maybe no
one noticed! :) We say goodbye to the chapters in the teens and move on to
twenty. Stick around... it can only get better! Contact me at
BrwyDevil@aol.com!