Date: Tue, 10 Oct 2000 11:32:45 -0500 From: Silent Kid <silentkid@angelfire.com> Subject: Savage Garden Hunter Hi everybody, I was feeling really depressed and was all set to write something reflecting that, then I ended up staying somewhere w/ cable, and well, saw Crocodile Hunter four times in one day. And I thought (as I'm sure many of us have) what if... Hope you like it. It cheered me up. :) Write me at silentkid@angelfire.com Crocodile Hunter rated: PG Disclaimer: Based on the tv series Crocodile Hunter and Steve Irwin and his lovely wife Teri. Darren is the "Steve", Dan is the "Teri"-esque counterpart. Don't own them, no inferences should be made about any of the 4 people regarding their activities or proclivities or behaviours. A Day At the Croc Lake, Darren and Dan are filming for their tv show, Croc Files-- Darren wears a tan button up "safari" shirt and little tan shorts that barely cover his bum. Dan wears a similar shirt, but is more sensibly dressed in shorts that stop just above his knees. They both wear thick leather boots. Darren:(brightly, to camera) Today we're on the trail of one of the rarest crocs in Australia--the Phineas Oreaborealus Oreous, or the Oreo, as I like to call 'er! Ready, Dan? Dan: (not as obnoxious, but still perky) Ready, Dare! Let's go! Darren: Have you got the camcorder, Dan? We want to get all this on tape! Dan: Got it, mate! (waves camera) Darren: Crikey! There she is! (pointing excitedly and crouching at the marsh's edge) Isn't she a beaut? Get a close up, Dan! (Dan zooms in on Darren's ass) Darren: Did ya get 'er? Dan: Oh, yeah. Darren: Do you see those hard scales? That's for protection. Isn't that right, Dan? Dan: Huh? Darren: Dan! Are you staring at my bum again? Dan: (brightly) That's right, Dare! Er, I mean, no. Er, uh, huh? Darren: (voice over) While Dan collected himself, I decided to go looking for a nest! Dan: (voice over) While I collected myself, Darren set off to find the nest. In just a few moments, I was on his behind. Er, um, er... Darren: All I had to do to find the nest was cut my way into the bush using this hacksaw (holds it up happily) then jump across this small creek, stopping to pull a leech off my thigh, Dan: (interrupting) You wouldn't get a leech there if your pants didn't stop at your ass. Bloody distracting! Darren: (ignoring him) Then I overturned this log, and dug into the sand five feet and voila! There she was..The most be-yoo-tee-full nest in the world! Dan: (to camera) You have to be very careful not to harm the fragile ecology out here. One wrong move and you could endanger hundreds of species. Darren: (spookily) That's right, Dan. Not to mention the ever-present danger of the mother returning! Dan: Blimey! There she is! Darren: (jumping into a tree) Keep the camera running, Dan! Crikey, she's bit my foot! Well, she's a real rip-snorter, isn't she? Dan: (voice over) Luckily for Darren, he's sporting industrial strength work boots, the only thing a crocodile hunter really needs! Darren: Grab her tail, Dan! Dan: Do what? Darren: Grab her tail! Her tail! Turn 'er around! Dan: You're kidding, right? Darren: Dan! Dan: Ok, ok. (drops camera) Darren: What are you doing? Keep filming! Dan: Do you want me to film you, or rescue you? (Darren thinks about this, kicking at the angry croc.) Darren: (resigned) Rescue me, mate. Dan: (shrugs) I was just filming your ass, anyway. Darren: (shaking head) You are just useless. Ouch! (he scrambles higher in the tree) Dan: Do you want me to save you or what? Darren: Yes. Dan: Then apologize. Darren: I'm sorry. Dan: (folding his arms over his chest) Now ask me to come save you. Darren: What?? Dan: (resolutely) You heard me. Darren: (sighing) Dan, will you please come save me? Dan: You won't yell at me for filming your ass? Darren: Well, I guess I should be flattered. Dan: Yes, you should. I would be if you stared at my ass like I stare at yours. Darren: Oh, but I do! (kicks at croc) Dan: You do? Really? Darren: Crikey, Dan, of course I do, baby! Now can you please help me? Dan: (babbling) You know, I've thought about getting a pair of little shorts, too, but afraid my ass would look too bony... Darren: Dan! Crikey, mate, this beautiful lady is gnawing up my leg! Dan: Oh, right... (he pulls the crocs tale and it turns and climbs down) (voice over) Though I was momentarily distracted, I managed to regain my senses and save Darren's ass, er, life. Darren: Thanks. Dan: No worries. Darren: Did you at least get any usable footage? Dan: Um, depends on what you want to use it for... Darren: Our tv show? Dan: In that case--no. Darren: Dan, don't take this the wrong way, but you're not going to do the filming anymore. Dan: It's your own fault for wearing those shorts. Darren: Oh, shut up. I like my little shorts. Dan: Me too, mate. Me, too. Darren: (voice over) With the day ended, we headed back to base and well deserved rest. I couldn't wait to get out of these muddy clothes! Dan: (voice over) And I discovered another aspect of filming! Darren: (voice over) You did what? Dan: (voice over) uh...nothing. Darren: Crikey! Dan: (to camera) Next week, Darren and I leave the marsh to search for the Australian Camel. Tune in then! Darren: 'Til next week! (waves cheerfully) End credits roll (in background, we faintly hear...) Darren: Dan, really, what were you filming? Dan: Oh, nothing. The End.