Date: Tue, 30 Jan 2001 17:07:08 -0800 (PST)
From: Colleen H <reader_colleen@yahoo.com>
Subject: Scarce Heard Chapter 17

***********
DISCLAIMER:  This story is not real.  Comprende?  *NSync (ie-- Chris and
JC) may or may not be gay.  Who cares?  Whatever floats their respective
boats is their business and not mine.

Thanks go out to my muses:  Dara, Red, Tariana, Jackie and Casey.  Without
you guys, I wouldn't be writing so much.  And that goes for everyone who
has e-mailed me, too.  If I didn't get such wonderful feedback from my
readers, I wouldn't write.  SO THANK YOU, all of you.

Special thanks to Kenitra ("Millennium Love") for the idea for the story's
format.  The song & lyrics are by Guns N Roses.
**********

Scarce Heard Amid The Guns Below
November Rain- JC POV
By Colleen


	Well, here we are.  Chris and I are sitting here, just staring at
each other.  Neither one of us really knows what to say now-- we've said
what we needed to.  We've said we're sorry for our actions, but what now?

	"What now?" Chris asks, seemingly reading my thoughts.

	"I don't know," I tell him honestly.  "I've never had to do this
before."

	"You think I have?"  I have to smile at his words.  He's still the
same Chris I've always known-- witty and more than a little saracastic.

	"Really-- what now?"  Chris sighs.

	"We start over, I guess."

	"How can we start over?" I ask him.  "Chris, it's not that easy to
just forget months of pain."

	"I know, Josh."  I know he does, too, because no matter how much I
was hurting during our time apart, I know Chris was hurting almost as
badly.  I know that now, and I'm just sorry I didn't see it earlier.  I've
missed him.

	"We have to talk about this sometime, or else we'll never put
ourselves back together," I tell him sensibly.  I don't want
this... issue... to tear us apart again.  We need to get this out in the
open.

	"I know.  This is as good a time as any."

	"Why?"  That one word throws him for a loop, as he obviously wasn't
expecting me to be so direct.  He lets out a sigh and sits back in his
chair.

	"Would you believe me if I said I honestly don't know?  I mean, I
wasn't mad at you, you weren't mad at me, I wasn't PMSing... I honestly
don't know why I did what I did.  I just wish I could take it all back.
Take back the night, as they say."

	"I wish you could take back the night, too.  Do you have any idea
what it was like for me to see you doing THAT?  Especially after what you'd
helped me through?  I gave you *everything* I had, Chris.  And in that one,
stupid act, you destroyed it.  You destroyed *ME*.  I'm still not fully
together."  My words strike him harder than I intended them, but I won't
take them back.  I need him to see what it was like for me.

	"Don't you think I knew that the second I saw you in the doorway?
Don't you think I've been beating myself up each day, thinking about that
very thing?  Self-guilt is my best friend, Josh.  And self-guilt is worse
than anything you could ever dish out, believe me."  I have to cringe,
because I know he's right.  I've been feeling the self-guilt too, because I
let him get away from me once.  We've both made mistakes, and now we have
to fix them.

	"I have an idea, Chris..." I start.  "Let's start totally fresh.
From scratch."

	"Like we've never met before?  If you think that will work..." he
sounds doubtful and I don't blame him.  That's an insane idea if I've ever
thought one, but it just might work.

	"I'm Joshua Chasez," I tell him abrubtly, standing and offering my
hand.  His dark eyes are confused, but he takes my offered hand anyway.

	"Chris Kirkpatrick," he introduces himself.  The look on his face
is so comical, I almost start laughing.  He looks like he's about to die
from holding in his own laughter at our rediculous behavior.

	"Where are you from?" I ask him politely.

	"Josh, this is stupid..." he protests.

	"Nope, not stupid.  Answer me."  Sighing, Chris lowers his head for
a moment.

	"Pennsylvania," he finally says.  "You?"

	"Maryland.  D.C."

	"Those are two different places."

	"Shut up!"  We both laugh at the same time, and in that instant, I
know that somehow, we *can* put things back together.  And
somehow... somehow, it'll all work itself out.

*****
And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way'
Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain
*****