Date: Sat, 30 Sep 2000 16:11:29 -0700 (PDT)
From: Colleen H <reader_colleen@yahoo.com>
Subject: Scarce Heard Chapter 3

**********
DISCLAIMER:  This story is not real, aka: "FICTION".  I don't know *NSync,
nor do I know their sexual preferences.  If you believe that one of them is
gonna marry you someday, why are you here?

Thanks to Kenitra of "Millennium Love" for giving the the idea for the
format of this story.  And, thanks go out to the nsyncslash list, as well
as to David for archiving this story.  Feedback to
reader_colleen@hotmail.com.

The chapter title comes from a song by Beth Orton.  Thanks to Rachel
("Choices/"Escape") for sending me this song.
**********

Scarce Heard Amid The Guns Below
I Wish I Never Saw The Sunshine- JC POV
By Colleen


	It's hard to believe it's been a month already.  A month since
Chris left me.  A five weeks since my world fell apart.  And this month
hasn't helped the pain any.  If anything, it's made it worse.  What he did
hurt me, but not having him beside me night after night hurts a hell of a
lot worse.  Justin tells me I'm better off without him, and I'm slowly
starting to believe him- kinda.  It's just so hard to just forget
everything that has happened in the last few months.  Pain like this is
hard to forget.

	The group has gone on, despite Chris' absense.  Lance just says
there was a family emergency and Chris is staying with his family for a
while when we're asked about the missing member.  Lance and Joey have tried
to find Chris, I know they have, but Chris was right when he said he could
be anonymous when he wants to be.  They can't find him.  They tried
everything: they've called all the airports, rental agencies and bus
stations in the area, and nobody recalls seeing Chris the day he left.
They even called the train station, but they don't remember him either.
His mother has no clue where he is, and neither does the rest of his
family.  It's like he left the earth altogether.  In a way, I'm glad,
becaues I don't have to face him.  On the other hand, I'm angry because he
wasn't man enough to face ME and admit he was wrong.

	Being right just doesn't have the same ring anymore.  I mean, I've
been 'right' on so many things that it just doesn't matter to me now.  Only
the pain still left behind from my lover's betrayal matters.  If I *was* to
see Chris today, I don't know what I'd say to him.  Would I scream at him
for hurting me and then leaving me?  Would I forgive him?  No, I won't do
that.  I forgave my ex too often, and he ended up hurting me almost as much
as Chris did.  I don't think I will ever feel this kind of pain again.  The
pain of betrayal, and the pain of abandonment.  What a combination!  It
sucks, it really does.

	I talked to Lance about this a little bit the other day.  He, above
anyone else, knows how painful it is to be abandoned by someone.  He's
bisexual, and his parents freaked out when he told them.  He told them
almost a year ago, and they *still* don't talk to him.  Even though it's a
different kind of abandonment, he still understands how much it hurts.
Justin can't even begin to fathom my pain, and Joey won't look at me.  I
think he blames me for Chris.  After all, he has lost his best friend.
Well, I lost my lover so we're even.  JC, don't think like that.  Joey
doesn't understand how much this hurts, so don't blame him.  Lance does
understand, and I am thanking God for bringing him into my life.  If it
wasn't for him and Justin, I don't know what I'd do.  Go crazy, probably.
As if I'm not already there, but still...

	I really need to get out of this depression, but I don't know how.
I wake up every morning and it all comes crashing back to me- Chris getting
caught sleeping with another man, our *messy* breakup, his leaving without
even so much as a note, even if he *did* call... This is such a mess!  I
don't think we'll ever be able to patch things up now.  There's too much
bitterness between us.  I'm mad at him for a) betraying me and b) leaving
me alone during this.  Where ever he is, he's probably mad at me for some
reason I don't even know about right now, nor do I think I want to know.
All I do know for sure is that I'll never trust him the same way again,
even if we do somehow manage to patch up our friendship.

	It's so dark outside tonight.  Darkness is my favorite thing right
now.  Lance managed to get us out of some of our enagements this month, so
I've had a lot of time to myself.  I sleep all day and I end up hyperactive
all night.  Poor Justin can't even keep up anymore!  That has been the one
bright spot in this last month of darkness for me- Justin's constant
companionship.  He's been there for me through so much.  He's the greatest
friend a man could ask for, and I wish everyone had someone like him in
their lives.  He's been there to hold me when I cried.  He was there for me
when Lance said that he and Joey couldn't find Chris.  He was there for me
when I had the knife to my wrist about a week after Chris vanished.  That
scared me, even more than it scared Justin.  The idea that his best friend
was suicidal freaked him to no end.  It scares me, too.  Is this what I've
become?  Someone so weak that they'd resort to killing themselves?  I'm
ashamed to admit that the answer is 'yes'.  I gave Chris everything, and he
destroyed it.  He destroyed me, and he knows he did.  He probably doesn't
realize the suicide part, though.  The thoughts of suicide and
self-mutilation are still there, although I've tried to bury them as much
as possible.  I don't want to worry Justin any more than he already is.

	I have the radio on, and a song by an artist I'm not familiar with
somes on.  The DJ says it's by an indy singer named Beth Orton, but I've
never heard of her.  However, the truth of her lyrics hit me.  It's like
she knows me and Chris and what happened.  I think this is about to become
my new theme song.  It brings tears to my eyes, but I fall in love with it
instantly.  I just hope that wherever he is, Chris is listening to this
song, too, and beating himself up over what he's done.  I want him to
suffer like I'm suffering.  I want him to know how much he hurt me.  I want
to see him face-to-face and ask him 'why'.  I want to bring closure to this
part of my life, and the only way I can do that is if I see him again.  So
I will wait for as long as it takes.  And someday, I will face him again,
and maybe this time, I won't cry.

*****
Baby do you know what you did today?
Baby do you know what you took away?
You took the blue out of the sky
My whole life changed when you said goodbye
And I keep cryin'...cryin'

Oooh baby, oooh baby
I wish I never saw the sunshine
I wish I never saw the sunshine
And if I never saw the sunshine baby
Then maybe...I wouldn't mind the rain

Every day is just like the day before
All alone, a million miles from shore
All of my dreams, I dream with you
Now they will die and never come true
And I keep cryin'...
*****