Date: Wed, 11 Apr 2001 21:14:41 -0500
From: Matt Hunter <m_n_hunter@hotmail.com>
Subject: Search and Rescue 24 (Celebrity/Boy-bands)

Told you I'd post in a week (provided of course I e-mail this segment in
time).  I'm working on the next chapter, but it'll be a little bit before
it's ready.  In the meantime, I hope you'll drop me a line.  It's been too
quiet without people cursing me for one thing or another :)

Thanks, as always, for all of you who put up with me and my meager attempts
at writing.  You're all great friends and ruthless critics :)  Particular
thanks to people like Karen, Rache, Ceej, Kiddo, Mike, Jeff, and others, who
never fail to keep things interesting.  If you're not on the above list,
you're either a) not important to me, or b) so important to me I don't need
to remind you--you decide :)

Of course, thanks to Big Sexy for helping me keep what little sanity I've
ever owned everyday and when times are hard.  I appreciate your constant
redefinition of the word "friend" by being there, making me laugh till cry,
letting me cry till I laugh, and generally, just being you :)

And then, of course, there's someone who I can't describe my love for in
mere words.  I only need to thank you for being my everything.  SHMILY :)

And to Joshua, you're ever in my thoughts....

And YES, it's still *that* kind of story.  The same disclaimer applied then,
now, and always :)



"Search and Rescue" by Matt Hunter
Chapter 24

	I heard a noise outside, and that was all it took to jolt me back to
reality.  My eyes shot wide open, almost simultaneous with his.  We pulled
apart rapidly, and "What the hell was I thinking?" was not only screaming
through my mind, but it was painted on his face as well.  I turned abruptly
and walked to the front of the house to investigate the noise.

	Looking out the window, I saw exactly what I expected to see--absolutely
nothing.  My mind was working overtime trying to give me an excuse to get
away from him before either one of us did something we'd both regret.  It
wasn't that the kiss was that bad.  Far from it, as a matter of fact.
Though there was little in the way of romance; there was just some sense of
longing for the both of us.  I leaned my head against the door and pounded
my fist on the windowpane.

	Before I realized it, my hand had gone through the glass.  Nate came
running around the corner to see what *he* had heard.  I withdrew my hand
and just stared at it.  Nate was almost paralyzed.  I guess it looked worse
than I knew it to be.  I told him to get the first aid kit from the medicine
cabinet in my bathroom.  When he did, I pressed my back against the door and
slid down to the carpet.

	I pinched off a pressure point to slow the bleeding as much as I could
until he returned.  When he did, I quickly grabbed a pair of tweezers and
began to pull the shards out of my hand.  I unscrewed a bottle of alcohol
with my teeth and poured it over the wounds.  Following suit with a tube of
antibiotic ointment, I wrapped gauze around my hand until the bleeding
slowed to a standstill.

	In those few moments, I actually seemed to almost forget what brought me to
this point.  It all came back to me with fierceness, and I snatched up the
box and threw it against the wall, shattering the glass in a picture frame.
The picture was one of the guys and me.  It was one Joey had given me for
Christmas.  At least, I think it was Joey.  So much had happened since then.

	I crawled over to the photo and picked it up.  There he was, as real and as
deeply ingrained in my heart and mind as he ever was.  I stroked my
fingertips across the image of his face and fought every urge within me to
sob.  I steeled myself enough to not only stand, but to push myself onto
Nate again.  His hands pressed against the small of my back, and I used the
motion to start us down the hall into my bedroom.

	Several hours later, I sat there, silently staring up at the ceiling.  I
watched the flickering movements of shadows cast by the moonlight against my
window.  Even though Josh had been the one to leave, all I could think of
was how much I regretted even calling Nate and how guilty I felt.  I looked
beside me, where Nate lay on his side.  He appeared fast asleep, but I
realized that he wasn't the one I wanted there when he whispered, almost
inaudibly, "I think it's best if I leave first thing in the morning."

	I wanted to shake my head, "yes" or "no," to say something--anything--but I
couldn't.  I couldn't seem to do anything.  He got up and pulled on his
shirt.  He unzipped his pants long enough to tuck the tail in before
vanishing into the hall, presumably back to his room.  I just shut my eyes
as the tears streamed down my face, curled into the fetal position, and let
myself fall asleep.



	I was awakened by the smell of coffee.  Not that that was an unusual
occurrence.  Ever since college, as soon as the pot was empty, I'd put the
grounds, filter, and water in and set the timer for the next day.  I'd gone
through multiple pots, but it was still the same coffeemaker.

	I sat upright, trying to clear my head a bit before standing.  I surveyed
the mess I made and just shook my head.  I went to push myself up with my
hand before a stinging, painful reminder refreshed my memory to *everything*
that happened the night before.  Walking into the kitchen, I rested one
elbow against the cabinets and cradled my head in my other hand, trying to
figure out what to do next.

	I unwrapped my hand, grimacing as I peeled off the hours-old scab, causing
it to bleed some more.  I ran it under the tap water in the sink for a few
minutes until it slowed to an almost nonexistent oozing.  I took a sip from
my mug before returned to the next room to pick up the mess.  I needed to
call someone to repair the glass by the door.  Picking up the scattered
first aid kit, I did a better job of bandaging my hand.

	In no time, I had restored my home to its usual state of disrepair.  I
warmed my coffee and took the mug out onto the deck with me.  I crawled into
the swing and just let my mind wander.  I ran my fingers through my hair and
tried desperately to figure out where things went wrong and what I could do
to make them right.

	I was so caught up in my own train of thought, that I barely registered
Nate moving towards the door, suitcase in hand.  I sprang to my feet to
intercept him.

	"Where are you going?" I asked him.

	"Home," he answered succinctly.  The cold stoicism was back.  This was the
Nate that had shown up on my doorstep.  In light of everything--in light of
everything he *and* I had been through--I couldn't honestly say that this
probably wasn't for the best.  I just nodded.

	"Do you want me to drive you to the airport?"

	"I called a cab," he said, motioning to the yellow car in my driveway.
"You and I have both had enough goodbyes to last a lifetime."

	I just gave him a half-smile and pulled him into as much of a hug as either
of us seemed to be comfortable with.  "Take care of yourself," I told him.

	He nodded.  Before he walked out, he turned back to me.  "We're on the
outside looking in where their worlds are concerned, Matt.  Should JC come
back to you, you'll know without a doubt how he feels.  You may very well be
the one thing that he's missing, just like he is to you.  If that day comes,
let him back in your heart."

	As the door shut behind him, I just muttered, "He never left."



	So here I was, alone again.  I withdrew into myself once more, mostly out
of lack for any better course of action.  I shut all the curtains and
blinds, turned out the lights, and unplugged the phone.  I just sat there in
the dark, without the presence of another living soul, or even the sound of
a television or radio, for days on end.  With the girls at school and Kathy
out of town to check on her younger brother, who'd been ill, it was easy to
recoil into the solitude of my house.

	Scott had been by a few times, but I just let him pound on the door.  He
then tried to email me, but I dragged it to the trashcan along with my
father's latest attempts at futility.  It sucked having so much paid time
off accrued that they were forcing me to extend my impromptu vacation.  All
the time I'd been sick had come from my sick leave and short-term
disability, so like it or not, it was now going to be weeks before I had
something to distract me.  I had really hoped to be back to work for more
than a few weeks.

	A sound came at the door once again, very early one morning, and as usual,
I ignored it--I figured a knock would be coming momentarily, then Scott
would give up and leave me be.  When I heard someone turn the handle, I
sprang to my feet.  Kathy had left a message on the machine that she
wouldn't be home for days at least.  I grabbed one of the katana swords from
its ceremonial display stand on the mantle.  Having two children in the
house, I was never comfortable enough with the idea of having a gun around.
I quietly withdrew the blade and quickly snapped it around to meet the neck
of my intruder, stopping mere millimeters away from the Adam's apple.  He
froze in place, and when I saw the profile, I just had to laugh.  I sheathed
the sword and flipped on the light switch.

	"Come on in, Nicky," I chuckled.

	"After a greeting like that, do I really want to?" he asked with a sigh of
relief.

	"Sorry," I grinned, "but Kathy's out of town, and I didn't know you were
coming.  What are you complaining about anyway?  I stopped, didn't I?"

	"Glad of it, too.  I'm even more glad to know that you apparently do like
having me as your cousin, because you just had the opportunity to do
something about it," he half-smiled as he rubbed his neck.  "I came to
surprise you."

	"It worked," I smiled.  "By the way, you can come in now, Jess."

	She reluctantly peeked around the doorframe to where Nick and I were
standing.  "Are you sure it's safe?" she laughed.

	"As safe as it's gonna get," Nick chuckled, taking her hand and leading her
inside.

	"What's really bad, Jess," I began, "is that this isn't the first time this
has happened with him.  You'd think he would have learned by now."

	She playfully slapped his arm.  "Oh, let's go surprise him.  What a good
idea."

	"Okay, okay," he laughed, throwing up his hands in defense as though he was
trying to protect himself from her.  "He's right.  I should have known
better."

	"Andy would have known better," I teased him.

	"Oh," Nick smiled, "so now *he's* your favorite.  Come on, Jess."

	He grabbed her elbow and turned towards the door.  I quickly wrapped my
arms around his neck and hugged him from behind, planting a kiss on his
cheek.  "You know I love you," I grinned.

	"Yeah," he laughed.  "The Highlander reenactment was definitely the way to
go to make me feel wanted."

	"If you don't come in here and sit down, I'm gonna kick your ass."

	"I'd like to see you try it," he strutted.

	"Me, too," Jessica added.

	I dropped to the floor quickly and grabbed him around the waist, picking
him up and throwing him over my shoulder.  Before he had a chance to react,
I had already dropped him on the couch.  I stood there proudly as Jessica,
smiling, walked over beside me.  I hopped onto the couch beside him, "You're
bigger than me, yes, but slow as molasses."

	He tried to cuff my head, but before he could, I leapt backwards onto the
carpet.  "Okay," he conceded, "now that you've effectively bruised my ego .
. . ."

	"Talk to your girlfriend," I smiled.  "I'm not touching your ego."

	His mouth fell open at that remark, and when he turned to Jessica for
whatever reason, she just laughed, "Don't look at me." He immediately went
into pout mode, which he knew all too well could let him win any argument
with me.  I rolled my eyes and walked over to the couch, sitting beside him.

	"I'm sorry," I sighed melodramatically.  Turning serious, "I am glad you're
here.  I really need you right now."

	"Then I'm glad I came," he said solemnly.

	"You always have known just when I needed you most," I told him as I
dropped my head against his shoulder.

	"Why don't I see about getting us something to drink?" Jessica offered,
departing into the kitchen.

	He placed one hand on the back of my neck and rubbed my back with the
other.  He kissed the top of my head and just held me, as he'd had to do so
many times through the years.  He pulled his legs onto the couch where he
could turn to face me better.  "Wanna talk about it?"

	"What's to say that you, of all people, don't already know?"

	"For starters," he began, pointing to the ashtray on the end table, "you
can tell me when you started chain-smoking again."

	"Not all of those are mine," I sniffed.  "Nate was here with me for a few
days."

	"Okay," he replied questioningly.  "Does he have something to do with why
you're feeling this way?"

	"Only partially," I told him as I turned to look out onto the deck.

	He straightened out his legs and grabbed one of the throw pillows.  He
nudged me onto the pillow so that I was lying in his lap, looking up to face
him.  "Keep talking," he urged me.

	"I just needed someone who could truly understand," I said, and the minute
the words came out of my mouth, I regretted it.  It hurt him whenever he
felt like he couldn't help me.  "During the course of all that, I realized
that I missed him even more."

	He brushed the hair out of my face.  "You need a haircut," he laughed,
contagiously forcing me to join in.

	"Nice, Nicky," I sniffed with a smile.

	"Sorry," he smiled wistfully.  "I just don't know what to say or do right
now."

	"You're doing it," I assured him.

	Jessica came back in with some canned sodas, and I started to sit up to let
her join us on the couch.  She placed a hand on my shoulder to push me back
down and took a seat on the carpet.  "Did you tell him your idea yet?" she
asked Nick.

	I looked back up at him.  "What idea?"

	"You're coming with us," he smiled.

	"I'm coming with you where?" I asked him, quite obviously lost in this
conversation.

	"On vacation," he beamed.

	"Oh, no," I protested, sitting upright again.  "I have had *quite* enough
vacations for a while."

	"Are you working right now?" he asked.

	"You know damn well I've got to take this PTO or I'll lose it," I reminded
him.

	"Then it's settled," he grinned.

	"No," I emphasized, "it's not.  First of all, you do not need my sorry
sad-sack ass to tag along and ruin your vacation."

	"That's our choice," he cut in.

	"I don't want to be around other people right now, or didn't you get that
from when you got here?"

	"I got it just fine," he replied, "but I'm not asking you, I'm telling
you."

	"Oh, you are, are you?" I retorted, suddenly on the defensive.

	"Don't take that tone with me," he told me, raising his pointing index
finger in front of my face.  "I know you better than anyone, and you're
going into defiant mode."

	He *did* know me better than anyone else.  Realizing just who it was I was
dealing with here, my anger left me, and I flatly told him, "I'm not going."

	He placed his hands at his sides and played his trump card.  "I have never
asked you for anything in my life.  I'm asking you for this.  Please come
with us.  If for no other reason, do it for me."



	So here I was, some indiscernible amount of time later, sulking in my seat
as our jet landed at the airport.  When we left the plane, we walked to the
baggage claim area in silence.  Besides the usual fanfare of people asking
the two of them for autographs and such, it was fairly quiet.  As we sat
there waiting for the turnstiles to bring our luggage around to us, I cut my
eyes at him.  "That was dirty pool, and you know it." Those were the first
words I'd said to him since we left the house.

	"I know," he acknowledged, "but it was the only way to get you to come."

	"Yes, it was," I agreed, "but that wasn't fair."

	"I know," he said flatly.  "Are you mad at me?"

	"I wish I could be, but I know you only have my best interests at heart."

	He smiled at me and hugged me.  "Thanks."

	"Thank you," I smiled back.  "Okay, now that you've dragged me to the ends
of the earth, you wanna tell me what it is we're doing here?"

	"First of all," he chuckled, "I don't exactly consider California the ends
of the earth."

	"It's a long way from Memphis," I reminded him.

	He just rolled his eyes at me, and Jessica continued, "We're going to a ski
resort.  Nick and I actually have to do a little work there, but it's
otherwise a vacation time for us as well."

	"I don't even know how to ski," I smiled weakly.

	"Oh, yeah," Nick laughed, "the great mountainous ranges of Ohio have really
turned me into a natural."

	"Okay, okay," I yielded.  "You win."

	"I know," he grinned, kissing me on the cheek.

	I pouted and wiped my cheek.  "And what if someone sees you doing that?"

	"Well, they'd see me doing it right in front of my girlfriend, and with the
slightest amount of research, they'll see that you and I are related."

	"But I'm from the South, that's not necessarily exclusion criteria," I said
flatly, barely containing my grin.

	"Shut up," he laughed, mussing my hair.

	"So where are we going anyway?"

	"Snow Summit, up at Big Bear Lake," he answered.

	"Lead on," I told him, throwing my bag over his shoulder, "but you're
carrying the bags."

	Jessica joined in and handed him hers as well.  "Works for me," she smiled.



	I was content to let someone else do the driving for a change.  Nick had
arranged for someone to drive us up there.  It was nothing too fancy, just a
guy in an SUV, but it was the most relaxing hours I'd spent in weeks.  I'd
started for the front passenger's seat so that he and Jess could have some
privacy, but he balked and grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, pulling me
into the backseat with them.  I looked out the window to take in the
beautiful scenery, but my emotional exhaustion got the better of me, and I
was asleep before we got half an hour from the airport.

	When I awoke some time later, Jessica was nuzzled in Nick's arms, and my
head was propped against his shoulder.  I didn't move immediately; instead,
enjoying just being that close to someone who truly loved me
unconditionally.  He's been a brother, a best friend, and a saving grace to
me through the years.  I guess he felt me stirring, because he leaned
forward just enough to give me a peck on the top of the head.

	"You okay?" he asked.

	"I don't know," I answered honestly, "but I'll live."

	He just smiled and shook his head at that.  "You sure?" he asked again.
When I nodded affirmatively again, he just used his forearm behind my neck
to pull me into a hug.

	"What was that for?" I asked him.

	"Trying to remind you that I'm your favorite cousin," he smiled.

	"You are," I assured him, and for the briefest of moments, I was certain I
heard him add, "We'll see." I shrugged it off and sat, staring out the
window.  It was pretty obvious when we had reached our destination.  "What
in the world?" I managed.

	"All the people?" Jessica asked.  I just nodded, speechless.

	"We told you we had some work to do," Nick began.  "MTV is doing a thing
called `Snowed In,' and we came to perform our duet."

	"Nicky," I shook my head, "I really don't know if I'm to being around this
many people."

	He pushed me out the car door into the snow, following rapidly behind me.
"You'll be fine.  You need to get out and mingle a little bit before you
turn into a hermit, Mr. Hughes."

	Giving him an exasperated sigh, I rolled my eyes away from him, then back
again.  "Damn you," I smiled at him.

	"You know I'm right, don't you?" he grinned knowingly.

	"Yeah," I laughed.  "I suppose so."

	"Besides," he added, "have I ever steered you wrong?"

	"Not so far," I admitted.


	It took us forever to wade our way into the ski lodge.  It seemed that
there was a disproportionate amount of teenagers of the female persuasion.
I chuckled silently to myself as we made our way through the lobby while
perplexed faces struggled vainly to figure out if I was anyone they should
know.  A malicious grin spread across my face, and Nick raised a questioning
eyebrow.  I leaned over to whisper in Jessica's ear while the elevator made
its way to us.  When the doors opened, she leaned over and kissed me lightly
on the lips.  I, in turn, grabbed Nick by the butt and pushed him in, with
us close behind.  The minute the doors closed behind us, we all broke out in
laughter.

	"That was mean," he laughed.

	"And your point would be?" I smiled.

	Jessica barely managed to stifle her giggling.  "That ought to give them
something to talk about."

	"I can see the headlines now," I grinned.

	"And I can see Mom rolling her eyes," Nick chided.  "Speaking of which,
Jess, you might want to brace your parents, just in case."

	She just shook her head.  "No need.  The last time we came to Memphis, I
told them about Matt."

	"All bad, I hope," Nick told us.

	Being the good cousin I am (I'm fairly certain that's synonymous with
"asshole" in some circles), I reached over and tweaked his nipple just as
our floor appeared.  I was able to dash down the hall to my room before he
overcame his surprise.

	Safe from any retaliation at the moment, I slipped the magnetic key into my
pocket as I admired the room.  Elaborate furnishings and a marble fireplace
were just the beginning.  Besides a fully stocked wet bar, which would
likely be going to waste, there was a sunken Roman bath and a Jacuzzi.  I
could definitely get used to amenities like this.

	I stepped through French doors onto a foyer decorated with freshly cut
flowers and assorted pieces of art.  Finally reaching my private patio, I
took a seat on a wooden bench, propping my feet up on the edge of some sort
of wood-burning stove.  I drew a sharp breath, inhaling the crisp mountain
air.  I stared wistfully at the white-powdered landscape, finally beginning
to clear my mind.

	Sitting there, silent and motionless, I watched as a long line of
predominately female fans waited to buy tickets, as near as I could tell.  I
soon realized that it was some kind of CD they held instead.  Exuberant
faces and ecstatic jumping around was all I could see in the distance.  I
smiled to myself and yawning.  Glancing down at my watch, I couldn't believe
how early it still was.  Besides gaining two hours in flight by changing
time zones, I suddenly realized just how early the events of the morning had
taken place.

	I was pulled from my reverie by the ringing phone.  Nick was telling me
they were heading downstairs for a late lunch, so I decided to join them
after grabbing a quick shower.  I still wasn't in all that sociable a mood,
but luckily, the dining room was actually closed.  They had just kept it
open for the performers so they could grab a bite to eat between sessions.

	When I got there, I saw them talking to one of the MTV personalities whose
name, at that moment, completely escaped me.  The commotion outside
continued to grow louder and louder, and we soon found ourselves having to
yell just to hear one another, though we were the only ones in the room.
Efforts at idle chitchat were wasted, so I sat there eating a sandwich until
I heard a familiar tune playing outside.

	My blood ran cold, and I stopped in mid-bite.  It couldn't be, but the deer
in headlights look plastered on Nick's face told me otherwise.  He never had
been able to conceal his guilt well, especially from me.  When I heard the
beginning to "Bye, Bye, Bye," I was consumed by such a myriad of emotions,
and yet I just sat there while JC's words washed over me.  Even now, his
voice had such an undeniable effect over me.

	Finally, I gritted my teeth as anger rose to my cheeks and threatened to
overwhelm me.  As the tune played on in the background, I blocked the melody
out as I stared at their faces defiantly.    Nick's facial expression
alternated between humble apology and resolute conviction.  He definitely
believed in what he was doing, but the sternness of my gaze stole his
thunder every time our eyes met.  That was more than Jessica was able to
manage.  Any doubts as to her involvement in this little plot were allayed
by her inability to even look at me.

	I wanted so much to say something--do something--but I found myself
completely incapable of anything.  I honestly didn't know how I felt about
what they'd done, and I certainly didn't know how I felt about the prospect
of seeing JC again.  One thing was certain, and that was that it would be on
my terms.  I adamantly decided that then and there.  When I heard the song
close, it didn't take a genius to figure out what would soon be happening.
I calmly put the sandwich down, wiped my mouth, and stood away from the
table without excusing myself.

	Nick quickly moved to intercept my escape route to the elevator.  "Matt,
say something--anything."

	"Right now, Nicky, that wouldn't be a good idea, because I don't want to
say or do anything that's gonna hurt you."

	"It would be better than this silent treatment."

	"If you knew how furious I am at you right now, I think you'd reconsider.
Now get out of my way."

	"I can't do that, Matt.  This is one time I can't and won't let you shut
everyone out."

	"I don't appreciate ultimatums, and I sure as hell don't appreciate being
duped into coming here," I glared at him.

	Nick's shoulders just fell with a sigh.  "I know, and I'm sorry, but you
need to talk to him."

	"Hello?  Don't you think I know that?" I demanded.  "Don't you think I want
to?  He's the one who's made it abundantly clear that he wants nothing more
to do with me."

	"Nick, if anybody but you had pulled this shit, I'd be stepping over their
unconscious ass right now."

	Following suit, Nick rallied defiantly, "And if anybody but you was being
this bullheaded, I would have probably beaten them unconscious trying to
knock some sense into them.  You *need* to talk to him, and he needs to talk
to you.  Both of you running away from this isn't going to solve anything."

	"He's right, you know," I heard from behind me.  I turned to find Curly
staring at me.

	"Your coconspirator?" I asked without fully turning to Nick.

	"Yes, I am," Justin replied softly.  "We're sorry for the false pretenses,
but we're not sorry we did it."

	"I thought you were my friend, Justin," I glared accusingly at him.

	"I am, and I'm JC's friend, too.  I'm being more of a friend than you know,
and it's time you two had this out."

	"Tell the guy who walked out on me to go to Hell," I gritted calmly.

	"There's more going on than you know," he protested.

	"Are you insane?" I demanded.  "You can go to Hell, too." I spun on my
heels, shit in one eye and blood in the other.  "You can *all* go to Hell
and leave me alone!"

	"Matt, you don't mean that," Nick cut in.

	"Fuck off, Nick!" I screamed at him.  "You want a pet project?  Get a dog.
We're through here." Gaining newfound strength in my grim determination, I
pushed my way past Nick towards the elevator as I heard familiar voices
enter the room.

	"What are we doing in here?  We've got a show to perform, Joe.  You can eat
later."

	The very sound of his words almost crippled me, but I steeled myself and
continued forward.  At least until I was halted by a hand on my shoulder.  I
spun to find a raging Nick, and just barely in time to register the fist
that soon connected  with my jaw.

	On my way down, I toppled a table.  Linens and place settings went flying
just before my head slammed against the floor.  Dazed, it took a second to
acclimate myself to my new position on the floor.  I could see Nick
massaging his knuckles and refusing to look at me.  From across the room, JC
darted to my side.

	"What in the hell is wrong with you people?" he demanded of my cousin and
his best friend.  "Matt, are you okay?"

	I was honestly too stunned to fully assess the situation.  "Yeah, I guess
so . . . ," I began.  Finally, I gathered my wits and bit my lower lip.
"What difference could it possibly make to you?"

	"Well, I don't want you dead, for starters," he spat.

	The sudden realization of who was beside me and what he had said slammed
into me.  "You could have fooled me," I shot back venomously.  "Considering
that you walked out on me and haven't had anything to do with me since, I
can't tell that you care whether or not I live and die at all."

	"That's not fair," he hurled.

	"You want to talk about FAIR?" I demanded.  "You basically tell me I was
one huge fucking mistake and you have the audacity to even say that word in
my presence?  You have some nerve, I'll grant you that."

	"Don't you DARE get all self-righteous and condescending with me!  I had my
reasons."

	"And I guess you didn't feel the need to share with the rest of us?" I
asked sarcastically.

	"No, I didn't," he answered defiantly, "because my reasons are just
that--MINE."

	"How wonderfully fucking convenient for you," I glared at him.  "I hope you
and your reasons are very happy together."

	I could see the outrage building in him.  Honestly, this was more
confrontational than I ever remembered seeing him.  "It must be wonderful to
have all the answers," he hurled.  "The rest of us mere mortals have to
struggle to get by and do the best we can with our less than perfect
existences.  I'm sorry that I didn't fit some ideal for you, and I sincerely
hope that you'll find that guy who'll conform to your every expectation."

	There was something strange in that last outburst.  I could tell he was
fighting to hold something back and that his outbursts were purely
defensive, so I changed tactics.  My face softened, and most of my anger
faded away.

	"The only thing perfect I've ever had in my life was my time with you," I
said quietly, not even daring to look up and see all the faces around me.
"I don't want someone that meets some kind of ideal.  I want you." Steeling
myself, I met his gaze.  "I'm still in love with you, and God help me, I'll
never stop."

	He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came.  He clinched his eyes and
his jaw tightly, turning his head to the side to avert his eyes.

	My anger and my hurt braced me to weather any assault, but none came.  He
said nothing, so I pressed forward, both in the conversation and physically.
  He almost fell over a chair getting away from me as I moved towards him.
"I still love you, Josh, and I thought you loved me.  I'm sorry that I
wasn't good enough for you." His head shot up, fresh tears welling in his
eyes and his look of surprise very evident.  Before he could open his mouth,
I pressed on again.  "I just wish I knew what I did that sent you away.
What did I do that was so horrible that you could hurt me so?"

	The tears rolled down his face, and with his head turned to the floor, they
just dripped off of his nose and chin onto the carpet.  "You loved me," he
whispered.

	"What?" I asked.  I was certain I was prepared for any answer, but I was
not prepared for that one.

	"I can't do this," he wailed, trying to storm back out of the lodge.  His
path, however, was completely cut off by the rest of the guys.  "Let me go,"
he cried.  I wasn't sure if he meant me or them.

	"Let him go, Justin," I instructed calmly.  "You wanted us to talk, and we
did.  He's made it clear that he doesn't love me, so I think our talk is
finished."

	Justin forced JC to look at him.  "Tell him," he told him in that kind of
understanding voice that only a best friend could offer.

	"What are you talking about?" JC asked him, clearly confused by whatever
knowledge his friend possessed.

	"Tell him what?" I demanded.  Emotionally exhausted, I had no more patience
for these games.  Somebody knew something, and I was determined to know it
now.

	Justin pulled out a business-sized envelope from underneath his sweatshirt.
  "I'm talking about this."

	JC immediately lunged for it, but Joey caught him from behind and held him
fast.  "You had no right!"

	"I had about as much right going through your things as you did leaving
Matt without telling him the real reason why."

	JC's eyes flared with renewed hatred.  "Justin, if you don't give me that
right now and forget whatever it is that you think you know, you and I are
finished."

	Justin actually smiled sympathetically.  "And if you and Matt don't work
this out, the JC I know is already gone to me.  Ever since you ended it,
you're not even the same person.  You're miserable, and every one of us
knows it."

	JC looked up to find Chris and Lance nodding, and he could, no doubt, feel
Joey making a similar motion.  JC struggled vainly to escape Joey's grasp as
Justin walked past him to hand me the letter.  I recognized it as the one
I'd seen in the dressing room all those months before.  It was a simple
envelope, addressed to him, conspicuously missing a return address.

	I pulled a large bundle of papers from inside and began to read.  The
moment I did, my legs failed me, and I had to sit.  I glanced over to see
JC's body refusing him in almost the same way.  Joey had to help him to a
chair as well.

	Even speed-reading as fast as I do, I realized that I must have been
reading in silence for several minutes as I now found myself well over
halfway through the voluminous document.  Having read *more* than enough to
have a full assessment of the situation.  I tossed the papers onto the table
and walked silently over to JC.  I tried to force him to look at me, but he
resisted.  We continued like this for several seconds, with him constantly
turning his head and me following, trying to put my face in his.  When I
finally succeeded, I pushed my mouth onto his and kissed him for all I was
worth.  Though he initially fought it, his resolve collapsed, and I soon
felt hands on my back and shoulder pulling me closer to him.  I could hear
Nick, Jessica, and the guys in the background muttering comments to one
another.

	"It's about fucking time," Chris cheered.

	Laughing, I finally tore myself away from him long enough to stare into
those hypnotic eyes.  I reached up and wiped a tear from my cheek.  "Why
didn't you tell me?"

	"I couldn't do that to you," he replied, his own tears streaming.

	I leaned forward, gently kissing him again before pulling away when Nick
asked, "What was it?"

	"Didn't Justin tell you?" I asked curiously.

	Justin shook his head.  "Nope.  I just told him I had a plan to get you two
back together.  I didn't tell anybody, because I was hoping JC would tell
you himself." He grinned, "I obviously underestimated the stubborn streaks
in this room."

	Chris shouted in an exasperated tone, "Will *somebody* tell us what's going
on?"

	"Gail," I muttered, my bliss replaced by a hatred that threatened to
consume me.

	"Who's Gail?" Lance asked.

	"My sister-in-law," I told him succinctly.  "The history between us is long
and complicated, and I'll tell it to you later."

	Nick placed a hand on my shoulder, "What did she do?"

	"Those papers," I began, motioning to the table, "are a petition for
custody of the girls on the grounds that I'm an unfit parent."

	"Bullshit!" Nick yelled.

	"The basis for that claim is because of my `inappropriate' lifestyle," I
explained.

	"That's ridiculous," Joey commented, his face contorted in disbelief.

	"We all know that," JC started, "but Matt lives in the buckle of the Bible
Belt.  People have lost her children for less."

	"So you broke up with Matt because you didn't want to be the reason he lost
his kids?" Jessica asked him.  JC just nodded weakly in reply.

	"I'm missing something," Joey commented suddenly.  "If she wanted custody
of the girls, why did JC get the petition and not you?"

	I almost smiled.  "That's the easiest question of all to answer.  She
doesn't give a damn about having custody of the girls.  She wants to make me
miserable."

	"Okay...?" Chris interrupted.

	"She somehow found about JC and Matt," Nick began, piecing it all together.
  "She knew that if JC stayed with Matt, she could take Matt to court.  She
was banking on exactly what did happen, though.  She sent the papers to JC
in hopes that he loved Matt enough to leave him for the girls' sakes."

	"So Matt would be miserable anyway," Jessica finished, figuring it out
anyway.

	"Either way, she wins," Joey summed it all up.  I just nodded.

	"Guys, as much as I hate to bring this up right now," Lance meekly
interjected, "we're in the middle of a show for MTV, and we've been gone for
a while.  The contest stuff can only stall them for so long.  They've got to
be sweating now."

	"He's right," I smiled.  "You guys get out there and perform."

	"Are you coming?" JC asked hopefully.

	"You better believe it," I grinned.

	As we all left the lodge and started for the stage, JC turned to me,
concern evident on his face.  "What do we do about Gail?"

	"You leave her to me," I told him confidently.


	Nick, Jess, and I were off to the side of the stage when the guys got ready
to sing.  They mentioned something to Carson about changing the song they
were performing.  When the melody came over the speakers, I melted.  It was
a ballad Richard Marx had written for them, and JC knew how much I loved it.

	"When the visions around you," Justin began, "bring tears to your eyes, and
all that surround you are secrets and lies, I'll be your strength, I'll give
you hope, keeping your faith when it's gone.  The one you should call was
standing here all along."

	"And I will take you in my arms and hold you right where you belong till
the day my life is through.  This I promise you," the guys sang in chorus,
repeating "This I promise you."

	Then my boy began, his voice as striking to me as always.  He smiled as he
looked at me, "I've loved you forever, in lifetimes before, and I promise
you never will you hurt anymore.  I give you my word.  I give you my heart.
This is a battle we've won, and with this vow, forever has now begun."

	"Just close your eyes each loving day.  I know this feeling won't go away
till the day my life is through.  This I promise you." Even I found myself
quietly adding the refrain's second "This I promise you," as its words
suddenly had new meaning for me.

	JC looked at me for just a millisecond, giving me a knowing smile before
continuing with lyrics I'd never heard them sing.  "Over and over I fall
when I hear you call.  Without you in my life, baby, I just wouldn't be
living at all."