Date: Tue, 04 Jul 2000 16:56:25 CDT
From: T. Marie <ficklepickle76@hotmail.com>
Subject: Searching For the Light - Chapter 1

Hello =)  I am another new author, I have read most of the stories on the
archive and responded to a few. The number of excellent authors is
overwhelming. I am fairly new to the fan fiction genre and this is my first
attempt at a story containing gay relationships.  Please enjoy the story -
to forewarn you the first several chapters will not contain sexual content
so if that's what you are looking for you may want to check back later.
Feedback, constructive criticism and even simple "Hello's" are welcome.

Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction, loosely based on the members of
*NSYNC.  This story is not meant to imply the sexuality of the members of
*NSYNC or that they would say or do any of the things mentioned.  This story
will contain explicit homosexual content.  If it is illegal for you to read
fiction of this type please stop reading now.  This story is copyright 2000
T. Marie.  Comments, suggestions, feedback... may be sent c/o
ficklepickle76@hotmail.com

Searching For the Light (c) 2000 T. Marie

Chapter 1


"JC are you in there?"  Justin knocked on the hotel room door again "Hey C."
  Still getting no response he wondered if JC had left his room already.  He
decided to check Lance's room, maybe he'd find his friend in there.  Justin
reached Lance's door and raised his first to knock; before his knuckles
touched the wood the door opened and out stepped Joey.

"Oh hey Curly" Joey said "Whatcha doin just standing outside of Lance's
door?"

"I was coming to see if Lance knew where JC was, I tried his room a few
minutes ago but there was no answer." Justin explained "I was about to knock
when you opened the door."

"I haven't seen JC this morning.   Hey Lance" Joey called into the room "did
JC say anything about leaving the hotel this morning?"

Joey walked back into the room and Justin followed.  " No, I haven't talked
to him since last night, right before you guys went out.  I asked him if he
wanted to watch a movie on Pay Per View but he said he was tired and going
to bed."

"Why are you so worried Just?"  Asked Joey.

"I'm not really worried, this just isn't like JC, he's been so quite lately
and have you noticed that he never wants to go anywhere with us anymore."

Joey and Lance both thought about it for a moment. "I guess you are right, I
mean he never was much into clubbing but he tries to beg off on anything
now," said Joey.

"Yeah and he eats dinner in his room alone and spends most of his time on
the bus in his bunk" added Lance.

"Yeah Chris and I talked about it a little last night at the club.  At first
I thought he was just tired from the tour, but he keeps getting worse."
Justin sighed, "and half of the time when I talk to him he's not even there
it's like his mind is someplace else."

'Well, You're the one that's closest to him J.   Have you asked him about
it?"  Lance asked, sitting down on the unmade bed and tying up his shoes.

"I've tried but he just smiles and acts like the old JC for a while.  He
says that nothing is wrong."  Justin looked up at Lance and Joey with a sad
look in his eyes.  "I miss him, it feels like he's changed."

Joey wrapped his arm around Justin's shoulder.  "I'm sorry Justin, maybe he
is just tired. After tonight we have two weeks off.  Maybe he just needs a
break."

"I know it seems selfish but I miss having him to talk to." Justin mused
aloud.

Lance raised his eyebrows "It's not selfish, you guys have been friends for
a long.  We all know JC is the one you talk to about your problems.
Hopefully he'll be back to his old self in no time. But in the meantime if
you need someone to talk to were here for ya.  Right Joey."

"Of course" Joey added with a big grin.

"I've got an extra key to JC's room if you want to see if he's in there"
Lance said.

"Okay, thanks Lance.  I didn't know you still kept copies."

Lance handed Justin the key "Yeah, I do.  That way if one of us oversleeps
and doesn't answer the door we can still get to wherever we need to go on
time.  Luckily I haven't had to use them in a long time."

"Maybe JC's still asleep" suggested Joey.

"I guess he could be.  He's not usually such a heavy sleeper though.  I'll
go check.  See ya guys later" Justin said heading out of the room.

When Justin reached JC's door he knocked and called JC's name a few times,
before giving up and using the key.   He walked into the dark room, the
black out drapes had been pulled and it took a few moments for Justin's eyes
to adjust.   When they finally did he could make out the lumpy shape of a
sleeping body in the bed.  Walking closer he heard JC's heavy breathing and
could tell he was still deep in sleep.  He sat down on the edge of the bed
and softly called JC's name.  When JC continued sleeping he began to lightly
rub his friend's back.  Justin noticed the tense muscles bundled tightly
underneath the smooth heat of JC's skin.  Somehow running his hands over
JC's naked back seemed natural. Justin loved being near JC, since their days
on The MMC he had looked for excuses to share a room, sit next to or be in
the general vicinity of the older man.   Justin felt better when he was
around JC. The fact that JC had closed himself off from the group had
pronounced just how much Justin took JC's presence for granted.

"JC" he said more loudly.  "Hey, JC wake up."

"Huh" JC said groggily, ignoring Justin and burying his head back in the
pillow.  Justin took JC by the shoulder and gently shook him, enjoying the
feeling of JC's warm skin underneath his hand.

"JC, you have to get up!  If you don't Joey and Lance are going to come in
here and Jump on the bed" Justin threatened, Joey and Lance had used that
particular tactic to wake him up several times.   "We have a meeting in an
hour." Justin crawled over JC and lay down on the side of the bed pressed
against the wall.  He prodded JC's prone body again "come on sleepyhead."

JC pulled the pillow off of his head "God Justin, can't you leave me alone!"
he said in a biting tone of voice.  "I just want to sleep."

Completely shocked Justin just looked at JC with wide eyes and blinked.  JC
sighed and turned to see the stricken look on Justin's face, the shock had
turned to hurt.  JC took Justin's hand "I'm sorry J," he said sitting up.
"I didn't mean to yell, I just really don't want to get out of bed today."

Justin simply sat there trying to figure out what had just happened.  JC had
never snapped at him like that before.  If it had been Chris it would have
been completely in the norm.  But JC was usually extremely mild tempered.
An involuntary tear slid down Justin's cheek as he made his way to the end
of the bed.

"Justin" JC's voice cracked as he called out his friend's name.  "Please
don't go, I'm really sorry."  Justin made his way back towards the bed.  JC
switched on the bedside lamp.  His back was pressed up against the headboard
and the covers were bunched around his waist, the white of the sheets
accenting the tan on his well-defined chest.

Justin approached JC timidly, this time pulling up a chair instead of
sitting on the bed.   "JC, what's wrong?" Justin's sea blue eyes met JC's
darker blue orbs.  JC tried to look away but his gaze was brought back to
Justin's when he saw the concern on the younger mans face.  JC realized that
he'd been hurting Justin by pushing him away.  The last thing he wanted to
do was cause Justin pain. The reason he'd been keeping his distance was to
save his friend from feeling the hell that JC had been experiencing.  As the
past few months flashed through his mind tears began to run down his face.
Before he knew it he was sobbing hysterically.  Justin got up from the chair
and went to JC; scooting back on the bed he pulled JC's body against his and
wrapped him in a hug.  Justin rubbed JC's back with one hand and kept the
other securely around JC's body.   JC buried his head in Justin's strong
shoulder and his sobs calmed down a little.

"It's okay, JC whatever it is I know it will be okay." Justin said in an
encouraging tone.   JC's tears finally stopped and he pulled away from
Justin a bit.  Justin internally groaned as JC pulled away, he had liked
having JC's body pressed against his, even if it was simply for comfort.

JC sighed deeply "I'm sorry Justin" he said looking down into his lap.

"Why are you apologizing?  You didn't do anything wrong."

"I feel like an idiot for crying all over you."

"Don't feel like an idiot C" Justin said with a smile.  "I've cried on your
shoulder plenty of times.  But can you tell me why you are so upset?  I'm
really getting worried about you."  Justin laid his hand on JC's arm. He
wanted to comfort JC and he was enjoying the opportunity to touch his body
without feeling self-conscious.

"I can try to explain it, but I really don't understand it myself."

"Okay, give it a try" Justin said, "maybe it will make you feel better."

JC sighed again and began speaking.  "I don't really know where to start.  I
guess it started about five months ago, well that's at least when I noticed
it.  I was tired all the time; all I wanted to do was sleep.  It just seemed
like everything took too much energy.  I felt better when I was performing.
I just acted like everything was okay, and for a while it would be."  JC
paused and looked up at Justin.  Justin was patiently listening.  Not quite
sure where JC was heading but glad that he was finally beginning to tell him
what was wrong.

"Every night when I'd get home, or back to the hotel or wherever I was
sleeping that night I would start to feel - well I don't know - sad, I guess
is the best word to describe it.  Like sad and lonely and crappy all rolled
into one.  I could be filled in a room full of people and still feel the
loneliness like a weight in my stomach.  I kept telling myself I shouldn't
feel that way.  I have so much; I am doing what I love.  I'm making my
dreams come true, I have more than enough money, I have a loving family and
great friends.  I have so much more than so many people and yet I'm not
happy.  I feel like pounding my head against the wall to make the heavy
feeling of sadness go away." Another tear ran down JC's face and Justin
squeezed his hand reassuringly.

"These feelings just kept getting worse and worse.  Sometimes I wondered
what the point of living was.  Why am I here on earth I wondered?  There
were a few times driving in the car where for a moment I thought of just
crashing into something or driving over a cliff.   This pain, these feeling
just hurt so much it seemed like dying would be better than dealing with it
everyday.   Then I realized that my being dead wouldn't fix anything.  It
would hurt my family and you guys.   So I just kept trying to pretend that
everything was okay.  I didn't want to affect the group with my misery so I
stayed to myself."

Justin pulled JC into another hug. "You should have told us JC.  We love
you, we want you to be happy and we want you around for a long time."

JC hugged Justin tightly inhaling the comforting masculine smell and the
enjoying the heavy soothing feeling of Justin's strong arms around him.

"I finally went to the doctor last week.   He recommended a psychiatrist in
Orlando.  The doctor said that I have clinical depression and that the
psychiatrist will probably put me on some kind of medication."

"Good, I'm glad you went to the Doctor.  Did he tell you what he thought
caused the depression?"

"He said it could be a lot of things but he thinks it is probably a mild
chemical imbalance and the stress from touring.  The psychiatrist will give
me more information."

Justin smiled "Thanks for telling me JC. I'm always here for you man."

"Justin" JC said worriedly

"Yeah"

"You don't think this makes me nuts do you?"

"Of course not.  But even if you were nuts I'd still love ya." Justin
replied laughing.

JC stood up and walked to the center of the room.  Justin watched JC's back
as he crossed the room. He admired JC's broad shoulders and narrow waist
disappearing into the tight boxer briefs.  For the first time he noticed the
slightly rounded cheeks of JC's buttocks.  **For a skinny thing he has a
nice ass** Justin thought. **Where did that come from?** Justin wondered.
**JC's my best friend, why am I checking him out like this?**   When JC
turned around Justin averted his gaze.  "I better take a shower, we have to
leave for that meeting in less than half an hour."

"Oh yeah I almost forgot about that."

"Hey Justin, thanks for being here for me.  I do feel better now that I've
told someone."

Justin walked over to JC "anytime, I'm here for you anytime JC."

"Thanks" JC said again, this time he hugged Justin.  "I want to tell the
other guys but I think I'm gonna wait until I see the psychologist."

"Okay, I won't say anything.  But I think you should tell them fairly soon,
they are beginning to worry too."

"I will" JC replied.

Justin started to pull away when JC stopped him "you're the best' he
whispered and then kissed Justin on the cheek quickly and hurriedly went
into the bathroom.  Justin stood grounded to the floor for a moment as he
replayed what had just happened.  He felt JC's muscled arms around his back
and could still sense the heat of JC's soft lips against his cheek.  **Oh
god** he thought, **I'm attracted to JC** he walked towards his room, his
mind reeling with this new realization.


To Be Continued...