Date: 14 Apr 2000 17:33:30 -0700
From: Nate Davis <author@backstreetboys.com>
Subject: Silent Tears Chapter 5

Silent Tears: A Fictional Story About the Backstreet Boys.
By: N. Davis

Disclaimer: Once again this story contains or will contain homosexual
content about the Backstreet Boys.  If any way this offends you please
leave now.  However, whoever reads this story, I would love to know what
you thought of it.

Note: This story is a little different from other ones you might have read,
because Kevin Richardson will narrate the chapters as his journal entries.
There will be short passages, which will be told through various people to
help move along the plot of the story.

Chapter 5: Lonely Hearts Collide

	Kevin closed his journal, trying to keep from crying.  Exhausted
over the range of emotions he's been through, Kevin makes his way over to
his bed.  With the journal in his hands, he immediately falls asleep.
	Meanwhile Drew finds himself driving around the lonely, desolate
city.  His heart keeps telling him to go back to Kevin and to help ease his
trouble.  He's reminded of the pain he was in not so many years ago, when
he had had his first gay experience.  Drew so badly wanted to be there for
Kevin, but he knew in his mind and somewhere in his heart, that until Kevin
was able to admit to himself that he was gay and that he was no longer
ashamed of his life choice; Drew could be of no help.  This would be one
thing that he could not help Kevin through, he needed to do this own his
own.
	Although, Drew could not help Kevin, he knew that he loved him with
every ounce he had in him.  No matter how many men Drew has known or ever
will know, he knew that Kevin was the one for him.  When he left Kevin's
room earlier tonight it took everything he had.  He so wanted to stay the
night and comfort his friend through words alone.  Drew found himself
attracted to Kevin, and for just cause.  But with Kevin, Drew had felt
feelings that he never experienced before.  He was in love with Kevin.  He
didn't lust after him like with other guys he had before; it was different
this time.  The kiss they shared bonded their souls for an eternity, now
Drew had to wait to see if that bond they shared would be strong enough to
bring them together.  The anticipation running through his body would not
allow for any sleep.  He decided to go back to the Staples Center to work
on his material. He had a few new ideas after what happened tonight.  This
was the one place that Drew knew he could get all of his feelings onto
paper.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

With a long and exhausting night behind them, Brian, AJ, Howie, and Nick
are on their way back to the hotel around 8:30 in the morning.  They only
have an hour to get packed and meet Kevin for breakfast before they have to
leave for the airport.  The ride back to the hotel, is very subdued due to
the guys getting very little sleep the previous night.  Not wanting to ruin
the peaceful mood the other guys are in, AJ hesitates a little before
saying what he needs to.  Finally, not being able to hold it anymore, AJ
disrupts the other three.

"Listen guys, I know right now isn't the best time to bring this up, but
with Kevin not here it's the best chance we'll get."

Intrigued, the other guys look up at AJ waiting for him to begin.  Brian
has an idea of what's on AJ's mind and he was thinking the same thing, but
since AJ brought it up, Brian decided to listen before saying anything.
Nick and Howie also prepare themselves for what AJ had to say; Nick more
than Howie.

"After this tour, we all know that I'm going out on my own as Johnny
No-Name.  Kevin and I have always hung out together during our off time and
being how depressed he's been lately, he's going to need you guys now more
than ever.  If my tour weren't raising money for charity, I would cancel it
so I could be there for him.  I know we all talked about this last night,
promising to be there for Kevin; but I need all of you to follow through
with your promise.  I've invited Kevin to come out on the road with me, but
he said, that with this time off, he's going to work on his solo projects.
Hopefully that will keep him busy.  I'm counting on you guys to be there if
he needs you.  We all know something is wrong and with time off, this might
be when Kevin's going to finally give in and share it with us."

Brian and Nick both agreed to AJ's request simultaneously.  However, Howie
was more than reluctant to promise anything.  The other three turned their
heads in Howie's direction awaiting his response.

"What don't look at me.  Kevin and I are not close.  I wouldn't even call
us friends.  I doubt if he comes to anyone about his problems it won't be
me.  However, if he does I will do my best to support him," said Howie in a
rather sarcastic voice.

"Dammit Howie, that's just what I'm talking about.  I don't care if you
listen to Kevin or not.  I'm more worried about you causing him any extra
grief.  For once can't you just be cooperative," AJ snapped back at Howie.

"Fine, Fine whatever.  Just leave me alone.  If Kevin needs me I'll be
there."

"Thank you," AJ responded.

Under his breath, so not to be heard, Howie replied, "If you ask me what
Kevin needs are a rubber room and a doctor."

Knowing that Howie had something, but not sure what exactly it was, Brian
ignored the comment.  The limo had just pulled up to the back entrance to
drop the guys off.  Quickly the guys exited the limo, grabbing their
overnight bags, they had brought.  Once all out of the limo the guys walked
to the elevator together.

Safely inside the elevator, Brian ordered, "You guys start packing.  I'm
going to go wake up Kevin to order us breakfast.  Then I'll pack and we'll
all meet back in Kevin's room in twenty minutes.  Got that Nick, you only
have twenty minutes to pack."

Tired of being treated like a kid, Nick looked over and sardonically said,
"Yea mom, twenty minutes.  Gee I hope I can count to twenty."

With the elevator reaching their floor, all the guys went in separate
direction to their own rooms; Brian heading towards Kevin's.  Standing
outside the door, Brian knocked and waited then knocked again.  Not getting
an answer, Brian took out the spare key, and let himself in.

Once inside the room, Brain noticed the two half drank cups of coffee on
the table and the two plates with some food left on them. "Ah Kevin had a
date, he thought to himself.  No wonder why he didn't come to the party.
He was dogging us for some pretty girl."

 Hoping that whoever was there was already gone; Brian peeked into the
bedroom.  Seeing Kevin alone in the bed, Brian walked in to surprise his
cousin.  As Brian got closer to Kevin he noticed he was clutching something
in his hands.  Brian got within inches of Kevin, seeing that what Kevin was
holding was some type of diary or journal.

Being the curious person he was, Brian grabbed the diary from Kevin's hands
ever so gently so not to wake his cousin.  Just as Brian was about to read
the journal, he backed into the nightstand, causing the lamp to crash onto
the floor.  The noise awoke Kevin and he suddenly realized Brian was
moments from the truth.  Alacrity, Kevin grabbed the journal form his
cousin as he jumped from the bed.


"What the hell are you doing," Kevin said hastily, demanding an answer from
his cousin."

"Kevin calm down, I just came to make sure you were up.  The other guys and
myself just got back to the hotel.  We have less than an hour to be at the
airport.  You know they hate when were late," Brian responded keenly.
 A little disoriented and still somewhat asleep, Kevin looked around the
room before getting up from the bed.  Once fully awake, Kevin left Brian in
the room, as he went into the bathroom.  Realizing, what had happened a few
hours before, Kevin for the first time admitted to himself that he was gay.
He was no longer confused about his sexuality.  How could he tell everyone
else?  Could he tell everyone else and not ruin the group?  What would his
family think of him?  As Kevin starred at himself in the mirror all those
questions floated in and out of his consciousness.  No matter what people
thought about him, Kevin new that the hardest part, admitting it to himself
was over.

"Hey cous, are you alright," Brian asked.  "You seem a little distant
today.  More than you have been in the past weeks."

Waiting for some kind of response, Brian walked around Kevin's bedroom
looking at his stuff.  As he walked past one of he dressers, Brian
discovered a tiny piece of paper with a phone number and a name written on
it.

"Hmm, I wonder who Drew is," Brian thought to himself.  Still not getting
an answer from Kevin, Brian asked his cousin his question again.

This time Kevin acknowledged his cousin's question with a simple, "yea, I'm
fine."

Seconds later Kevin re-entered the bedroom where Brian had taken a seat on
the bed.  Waiting for his cousin, Brian had picked up the group's itinerary
for the rest of their current tour from Kevin's desk.  Preoccupied by his
reading, Brian did not see Kevin enter the room hiding his journal in his
suitcase.

"Whatcha reading B-rok," Kevin asked his cousin.

A little stunned, Brian looked up at his cousin and replied, "Just our
schedule for the next few weeks.  I haven't really looked at it until now;
we're going to be extremely busy up until the end of April.  I don't know
when we're going to get to work on our song."  Trying to find a way to tell
Kevin he didn't want to do the song Brian continued, "We may have to push
for our fourth album."

Kevin, knowing what his cousin was trying to do, decided to play along,
"It's okay, last night I was working on it and I think I'm just going to
put aside for now.  I realize that it's not something I want on our next
album.  Hopefully we'll find something we could work on together."

"Sure thing cous, but right now, I have to go pack.  Do you want to order
some food for us, the others should be here soon?"

"Sorry Brian, but I have to run an errand before we leave town, so I'll
just meet you and the others at the airport."

"Well, Kevin give me a minute and I'll go with you, or take AJ he should be
ready," Brian suggested hoping Kevin would take someone with him just so
there wouldn't be any problems like the previous two nights.

Kevin assured his cousin he would be fine on his own, as he grabbed his
luggage and the keys to the rental car the guys borrowed from the
hotel. "Listen Brian I'll be fine.  I'll see you guys at the airport in
about forty minutes," Kevin said as he grabbed all his stuff and left his
suite.

 ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
**

	Brian and the others arrived at the airport and checked their
luggage before boarding their plane.  Hoping Kevin was already their, Brian
kept his fingers crossed.  Once on the plane the guys noticed Kevin was
absent.
	"Shit, Brian why did you let him leave on his own, this morning,"
AJ asked rather angrily.
	"AJ I tired to get him to let me or you go with him, but he wanted
to do this on his own.  I wasn't happy about it, but Kevin is twenty-seven
years old, what could I possibly do."
	"I know Brian, I'm sorry, I'm just so mad at Kevin for doing this,
and for me its easier to take it out on you."
	"Well, lets start calling some people, maybe he forgot something at
the hotel and had to go back there," Howie suggested.
	The others who were shocked by the absence of any unnecessary
comments from Howie starred simply in his direction.  Was Howie actually
trying to help?  The guys all took their seats and just as they did, Kevin
came running onto the plane.
	"I'm here and I'm only five minutes late.  Sorry guys traffic is
terrible."
	Relieved to see Kevin the others accepted his apology with their
smiles.  Kevin took his seat and placed his carry-on bag in the storage
compartment.  With the plane in the air all the guys seemed to relax a
little.  Except for Kevin, all the others were looking over the final tour
schedule.  Knowing he had to tell them sooner or later, Kevin decided now
was the best time.
	"Hey guys I need to talk to everyone. Is now a good time for us
all." Without any objection, Kevin continued.  "Guys we all know that
lately, especially within the last year, that I haven't been myself.
Nevertheless, I've made commitments to you and our record company and to
myself.  So I've decided that I will stay on with you guys until we finish
our current upcoming album." The guys shocked by Kevin's statement tried to
interrupt him, but Kevin continued.  "I have to work everything out with
our attorney's but my decision is final."  With tears in his eyes, Kevin
began where he had left off.  "In the last few days especially I have been
searching for what I need to find to become happy again.  When I finally
found it, I was torn by my love for that and for my commitment to you guys.
Unfortunately, I can't do both, so I decided I had to do what's better for
myself in the end.  However, I did make a promise to all of you by signing
my contract, so with your permission I would like to resign after the next
album.  We'll have a lot of details to work out in the coming months, but I
needed to tell you guys first.  I owe you guys at least that.  My attorney
is working on papers of my resignation to send to our record company and
our management team.  I'm sure we'll be hearing form them very soon."
Kevin finished by wiping the tears, which were now streaming down the side
of his face.  Silent, the others looked at one another with amazement.  Not
knowing what to say or to say anything at all, the guys couldn't believe
what they heard.

"Kevin, I know something been bothering you lately, please let us help you.
Why don't you take sometime to rethink your decision," AJ asked?  All the
other guys simultaneously agreed, with AJ hoping to try to get Kevin to
change his mind.  "Sorry guys, but I've thought out all my options
carefully, and this is the only solution.  Also, I would like you guys to
know that starting today, I will no longer be in charge of the group.  I
think it's best if someone else makes all the decisions, which will involve
the band in the future.  I've thought about this decision all last night,
and I think that either AJ or Howie should take my place.  However with AJ
going out on his own tour, I think Howie would be the best person.  He has
great compromising skills and he knows how to get what we want and need.
Howie knows a lot of people in this industry and I think under his
direction, he could take you guys farther than I ever could."
	Howie was the first person to speak after Kevin's latest bombshell.
"Kevin I know we're not the best of friends, but I want you to know that
I've always looked up to you for what you been able to accomplish.  Keeping
us four in line at all time can't be the easiest thing.  I hope that I will
be bale to live up to your expectations of me.  And at anytime you want
your job back its yours."
	Howie got up form his chair and walked over to hug Kevin.  For the
first time in seven years, there was a mutual sense of respect between
Howie and Kevin.  Howie sat back down in his seat looking at everyone else.
He knew he had done the right thing, and the look on the other three's
faces confirmed his sense of accomplishment.
	Feeling awkward, Kevin grabbed his carry-on bag and stood up.  "I
think you guys need some time to talk amongst yourselves.  I want you know
that no one here is responsible for my decision.  I will always love you
guys like brothers, whenever you need me I will be there for you, but right
now I need to be there for myself."  Kevin walked to the front of the jet
taking a seat away from everyone else.  Ironically, for the first time
Kevin felt more a part of the group more than ever, since he decided to
leave the group.
	Kevin reached into his bag and grabbed out his journal and a pen.
Far enough away form the rest, Kevin felt safe to write down his feelings.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

	I can only imagine how Brian, AJ, Nick, and Howie are thinking.
They didn't say much during our conversation moments ago, nonetheless, I
don't think there happy with my decision.  But they do love me, so I think
with time they will be able to come to terms with my decision for leaving
the group.  In time when I'm ready to tell them the reasons that I've
decided to leave, I know they will understand and approve.  Its better this
way for everyone involved.  I can no longer hide my feelings, and although
I believe its good to have homosexual role models in the spotlight; I can't
take the chance that it would hurt the others.  They should not have to pay
for my feelings.  I hope in time, when they know the truth, they will still
call me a friend. I wish it didn't have to end this way, but I see no other
way.  One day, in the future, I hope to be able to walk down a crowded
street with my secrets in the open, walking with the guys.  For now though,
the mind of the public still has so much growing to do.
	With admitting to myself that I am gay and with me telling the guys
my decision to leave the band, I made my first transition into my new life.
Unfortunately, my new life means that the life I'm living now must come to
an end.  This is the final act of the play of my old life.  Soon, I will
start a new chapter in a new story.  I've have not changed, my life is
what's changing. I know that even though I'll be leaving the public eye for
the most part, the evolution of the new me will not be an effortless
development.  I'm expecting a lot of denigration, and loathing from all
different types of people.
	I've always wondered why we [as people] condemn others for their
actions.  I myself am guilty of this.  We look at people and wonder why
they do the things they do?  We ask ourselves what possesses people to do
certain things?  Who gave us the power to criticize others?  Sure from a
young age we are thought the difference between right and wrong, but who
has the power to decide what is "normal" behavior.  Coming from a religious
family I've always been told that homosexual relationships are wrong.  They
go against what religions have taught people in the past.
	I'm sorry, maybe this goes against everything that my family has
installed in me, but I don't see how we can tell someone there are wrong
for loving someone else.  How can people denounce my feelings as being
immoral?  My feelings are my feelings and no one else's.  I will not allow
anyone to tell me that what I'm feeling is wrong.  No one should be able
tell anyone that.  We are not robots, programmed to act like one another.
We are people, all different in some ways, similar in others.  However,
unique to each of us are our feelings and our thoughts.  Soon, maybe
everyone else will see this, and accept the people that they call abnormal.
	I haven't yet decided when I will tell my family and the guys about
me discovering that I'm gay.  I want to tell them right now, but I know
this isn't the proper time.  I don't know when the proper time will be, but
when it comes, I'll be ready.  Telling my mother will be the hardest.  I
can't expect her to approve, I wouldn't ask that of anyone, because then
I'm asking them to feel something they don't.  I would like for my family
and friends to understand my decision.  I didn't wake up this morning and
say to myself that I'm gay and that's all there is to it.  I've battled
with these feelings for a while now, pushing them back into my soul each
time I was confronted with them.  It just happened that at this time in my
life, for me to deal with my feelings.  I've known for about ten years now
that I was different than other boys.  I've felt things inside of me, that
weren't normal.  I wasn't ready to admit that to anyone, not even myself
till now.  I owe a lot of this to Drew.  He didn't persuade my feelings in
any way.  What he did do, however was he allowed be to be myself and be
open with him.  I guess that's what all of us needs.  We need friends who
let us be who and what we are, this is the only way we can find ourselves
in our thoughts.
	I hope Drew knows what he has given me.  He gave me the power to
admit it to myself that I'm gay, and without that I would never be able to
move on.  My life was headed for disaster, and without knowing it perhaps;
Drew reached out to me, pulling me towards safety.  He's my angel sent from
heaven.  I'd like to think that my father who I believe is watching over me
sent him.  Last night, I believe that is was meant for me to find Drew in
the basement.  I know now, that last night, when I thought I saw my father
in the audience, that it really was him.  He was watching over me like he's
always done.  I know that he doesn't approve of my feelings, but he knows
that I'm happy now.  And that's what makes him happy.

	Our next album is scheduled to come out in October.  That gives me
about eight months to figure out all my feelings.  I would like to tell
everyone by then.  Once I'm out of the band, then I'll be truly free.  I
can then admit that I'm gay to everyone, and then I can be with Drew.  I
won't ask him to wait till then for me, if it happens that way, then I know
that it's meant to.  If things don't work out between us, I will always be
thankful to him for helping me sort through my feelings.  He was sent to do
a job, and he's done that already.  No matter what forms between us, I
would like to remain friends.  After our current, tour I'm planning a trip
back to Los Angeles.  I've made plans for the Oscars, and I hope that
during that time I will be able to see him again in person to thank him.
Today, when I left the hotel, I went to but him his own piano.  I would
love to see his expression on his face when it arrives.  I don't really
know if he knows what he did for me, but I hope that my gift to him is as
rewarding as his was to me.  I still have his number, and I sometimes think
about calling him, just to hear his voice, but I know that that will just
cause me more grief.  Knowing how I feel about him, and knowing that I
can't be with him just yet.
	It seems as if, the others have quieted down behind me.  I know
they're hoping they'll get me to change my mind, but it won't happen.  In
time, they will see that everything will be okay.  A few months out of the
spotlight, and I'll be forgotten like others in the past.

Kevin Richardson
February 24, 2000.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Well everyone that's chapter five.  I want to thank everyone who has left
me such wonderful comments.  I hope that you keep reading my story.
Remember any suggestion or comments are always appreciated at
author@backstreetboys.com.  If I didn't respond to any of your emails I'm
sorry, but I wan to you know that all of your comments are taken into
consideration.

Thanks, much.
N. Davis