Date: 11 May 2000 13:43:57 -0700
From: Nate Davis <author@backstreetboys.com>
Subject: Silent Tears: Epilogue

Silent Tears: A Fictional Story About The Backstreet Boys
By: N. Davis

Disclaimer: Once again this story contains or will contain homosexual
content about the Backstreet Boys.  If any way this offends you please
leave now.  However, whoever reads this story, I would love to know what
you thought of it.

 Note: This story is a little different from other ones you might have
read, because Kevin Richardson will narrate the chapters as his journal
entries.  There will be short passages, which will be told through various
people to help move along the plot of the story.

Epilogue

	Brian sat alone in his large suite in the hotel, only a few rooms
away from Kevin's.  He had just gotten off the phone with his mother, and
Kevin's mother.  Brian stared out the balcony looking into the dark city
lights and the empty street below him.  He knew that it would only be a
matter of time, before the hotel would be swamped with reporters and fans.
	Unsure himself what made Kevin reach the point that he did, Brian
had no clue what he was going to tell the press.  AJ, Nick, and Howie were
busy calling friends to let them know what happened before they heard it on
the news for themselves.  After the police and the paramedics left, Brian
phoned his parents in Kentucky.  Emotionally unstable, Brian was barely
able to utter the words from his mouth.
	It's been an hour now, since Brian talked with his family, and he
has yet to understand any more now than he did then.  The family had so
many questions as to what happened.  What made Kevin do what he did?  What
made him leave rehearsal earlier that afternoon?  Who called Kevin on the
phone?  Alas, Brian could not give his family the answers they were looking
for.  Kevin's family was on their way to Los Angeles, and Brian didn't have
long to come up with some answers.  He failed his cousin, by not being here
for him; he could not disappoint this family anymore.

	  Desperate for answers, as to what happened from the time Kevin
left the rehearsal earlier that afternoon, till the moment the guys had
found Kevin, Brian went to search Kevin's room.
	"NOoooo. Kevin we're here let us help you please.  Kevin stop,"
Brian, screamed out into the empty room.

	Two days after, Kevin's death, thousands of reporters and fans,
lined the small streets in Kevin's hometown.  Friends and family all
gathered together in a tiny church to mourn the loss of someone they all
cared so much for.  Brian and the AJ started the ceremony off with a
miraculous acoustic rendition of Amazing Grace.  The service lasted for a
little over two hours, with friends of Kevin's tell each other what Kevin
meant to them.  The last person to speak was Brian.
	Seated in the first row, Brian made his way to the front of the
church.  Silent for a moment, Brian looked out over the mourners, and then
looked over at the casket.  Brian stepped away from the podium and walked
towards the casket containing his cousin.
	Once over the open casket, Brian bent down to his cousin and
whispered, "Kevin, I know what you were trying to tell us.  I believe that
you would want everyone to know, so I'll be your messenger."
	Before returning to the podium, Brian took a silver ring form his
thumb and exchanged it with one that Kevin was wearing on his thumb.  Now
back at the front of the church, Brain looked at everyone, while wiping a
single tear from his eye.

	"Two days ago, I lost the most important person in my life.  My
cousin was taken from me, and I never realized how much I had left to learn
from him until another friend of mine showed me.  After Kevin's death, I
blamed myself for not being there for my cousin.  I thought that if I only
would have listened to Kevin more I could have helped him when he needed
me.  But what I realized was that it wasn't Kevin's pleas for help I wasn't
hearing it was what he was trying to teach us.
	Yesterday, I was going through Kevin's things, and surprisingly, I
found something unexpected.  I came across a journal that Kevin had started
years ago, when we got together as a group.  Each day, sometimes, twice or
three times, Kevin would write down what he was feeling, what he was
thinking.
	What I'm going to say, may astound and shock you, but I feel that
Kevin would want everyone to know.  First of all, we all know Kevin, was
very distraught with the death of his father.  What we didn't know was how
much he hurt deep inside.  At first, Kevin's pain was eased, by his
participation in the group.  However over the last year and a half, the
group did not subdue Kevin's pain anymore.  A few days before he died,
Kevin came to us, telling us that after the next album, he would be
quitting the group.  He never told us why; he only told us that he has
finally found something that would make him happen again, and unfortunately
he could not have both.  He decided to have his happiness.
	Kevin's life came to an end long before he could ever find his
happiness, but I hope now that he's found what he was looking for.
Recently, Kevin admitted to himself that he was gay.  He met someone, who
showed him what it was to be happy.  This person gave Kevin the strength to
admit the secret he was hiding from everyone including himself.  Once out
in the open, Kevin was not ashamed of being gay.  He didn't tell any of us,
because he didn't want to ruin our careers.  Once again, Kevin placed
others before himself, like so many times before.
	I want to share something Kevin wrote down in his journal with all
of you '... His eyes were the looking windows into his soul.  I could tell
he cared for me, Kevin Richardson, the person, not Kevin Richardson, the
Backstreet Boy.  When we shard that first kiss, my world stopped.  I was
free, finally free of everyone and everything.'

	My cousin's happiness was ripped from him when, he received a call
the other day, telling him that his friend was died.  Kevin rushed to the
hospital that day, to get a letter that his friend wrote before he died.
In this letter, Drew, reminded Kevin that death and loss can be overcome
with love.
	When Kevin found out that the person he wanted to spend the rest of
his life with was killed, the pain in his heart was too much to bear.
Kevin killed himself because he felt that was the only way he could ever be
happen again.  I realized that I could listen to whatever Kevin had to say,
but in the end, I couldn't bring Drew back.  And without Drew, Kevin
would've never been happy. I don't approve of Kevin's suicide, but I do
understand how alienated he felt.
	As a society, we're always quick to condemn others for not being
what we want them to be.  And when we find that someone has their own
expectations out of life, we criticize them for being what, a unique
person, for not conforming to our beliefs?  I have decided not to let, what
everyone else thinks rule my life.  I've been trying to find out the best
time to say this, and yesterday, I decided when better than the present.  I
to am gay.  I'm proud of who I am.  I've never been any prouder of my
cousin or myself than I am today.
	Before I go I want to share something with all of you that I came
across last night, I found this quote in Kevin's journal. Kevin wrote: No
matter, what decisions I make, or what I do in my life, if someone truly
loves and cares for me, that love can never be diminished.  They don't have
to approve of everything I do, or say, but they must always love me.

	Well, Kevin I love you for being just who you are, and I hope you
know that now.  Tomorrow when I wake up, I wonder if I'll be able to find
anyone who will still love me for being the person that I am."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

	The room was dark and silent.  Before going to bed, Kevin had left
the French doors leading out to the balcony open, and the occasional breeze
from the ocean would bring a chill to Kevin's body.  It had only been a few
hours since Kevin had told the others about his decision to leave the
group.  Restless and bothered by his dream, Kevin tossed and turned
relentlessly, tearing at his sheets on the bed.  Quietly, he repeated to
himself over and over again, "I love you Brian."
	A strong wind blew into the room that sent Kevin into an awkward
state of bewilderment.  He wasn't fully awake yet, but he was coherent with
his surroundings.  Kevin walked from his bed over to the balcony, looking
at the city around him.  He was reminded of his dream when Brian asked,
"Tomorrow when I wake up, I wonder if I'll be able to find anyone who will
still love me for being the person that I am."  Kevin knew that no matter
what Brian or any of the others ever did, he would always love them like
brothers.  However he was unsure of how they would react to him after they
found out he was gay.
	Kevin continued to look out at the dark and desolate city around
him, when out of nowhere he heard, "Son, its time to be the person you were
meant to be.  I'm sorry that I'm not there to guide you, but remember I
will always love you."
	Kevin recognized his father's voice through the wind and a smile
crept across his face.  He knew it was time to tell everyone.  This is who
he was; it's who he was meant to be.  He knew the consequences of keeping
all his feelings to himself.  He lived them first-hand in his dream that
was more like a nightmare.  Kevin would never let himself get to the point
that he was so lost that he would take his own life, like so many other
young gay men who've struggled with their sexuality.  Kevin had been given
a second chance, and he was determined to make the best of his newfound
freedom.
	Kevin walked off the balcony into the room, this time shutting the
doors behind him.  When Kevin pulled the doors shut, to him it was as if he
had stepped into a new chapter of his life, while shutting out the past.
He walked over and got back into bed.  Quickly he fell fast asleep, and for
the first time, without any disturbances, Kevin quickly drifted off to
sleep.


Well, everyone there it is.  I'm sorry for the long delay.  This is not the
ending that I planned, but it turns out that I like this better anyway.
I'm sorry for not answering any emails after chapter six.  I deleted them
before I read them on accident.  Please accept my apology and email me
again.  I'm starting to work on my next story.  If anyone's interested
email me and when I think of the title for my next story, I will email it
to you.  Once again any comments are welcome at author@backstreetboys.com.