Date: Tue, 4 Jul 2000 03:52:43 EDT
From: BrwyMilo@aol.com
Subject: "Still Breathing" part 3

    Hey guys.  So here's part 3.  Sorry it's a bit late.  Let's chalk it up
to writer's block.  Also, I want to concentrate on a couple of other projects
that I'm working on.  I'm going to continue with this story, but maybe more
sporadically.  Nick and Justin is going to continue as always.

    Well, I normally don't do this, but I figured what the hell.  I've been
reading a lot of stories on here recently.  It's actually hard to keep up
with the ones that I read.  Most recently, I've been reading and catching up
on Brian and Me.  Also, Boy Meets Backstreet Boy, which I'm glad to see will
be updated pretty soon.  That was actually the very first story I ever read
on Nifty oh so long ago.  Kevin and Justin is another good one.  I'm also
waiting for word on Brian and Justin.  So, that's basically what I've been
reading.  I know there are more, but that's all I can think of off the top of
my head.  Give them a look.

    This story is totally fictional and isn't meant to imply anything about
the sexuality or beliefs of anyone involved.  It's all fictional.

    If you've got any comments, questions, criticisms or anything, send them
to BrwyMilo@aol.com.  Thanks for reading!

                                    *****

    "So, what is this about anyway," Chris asked as he sat in Kevin's room,
picking at some toast.

    "I don't know exactly," Kevin said.  "But they better hurry.  We do have
planes to catch today."

    The door to Kevin's room opened slowly as JC and Nick walked in together.
 Nick didn't look at anyone, but merely sat by the foot of Kevin's bed and
pulled his legs to his chest.  AJ looked at him carefully and frowned,
getting an idea of what was happening.

    "Morning JC," Lance said slowly, looking closely at his friend.

    "Hey," JC replied absently.  He grabbed two mugs of coffee, giving one to
Nick who merely held it in both hands.  Kevin noticed how Nick's hands shook
slightly.

    "You ok Nicky," Kevin asked quietly.

    Nick made no sound, but nodded lightly.

    "What's going on JC," Joey asked carefully.  "And where's Curly?"

    "Why don't you ask Brian those questions," JC said a bit spitefully,
noticing how Nick tensed up at the mention of Brian's name.  "It's alright,"
JC whispered, Nick nodding weakly.

    Brian and Justin entered the room next.  AJ looked at Justin and shook
his head.  "Hey Bri.  Nice shirt Justin."

    Justin sighed and turned a bit red, realizing he was once again wearing
the shirt that Brian had lent him the night before.  He walked silently and
sat down next to Lance.

    "Hey," Lance said quietly.  He noticed the room was unusually tense,
everyone seeming to be on edge with each other.

    "Hi Lance," Justin said quietly.  He took a sip of Lance's coffee and
grimaced.  "Ugh, I don't know how you can drink this black."

    "It's not as bad as you think," Lance said as he took a sip.  "So, what's
going on here anyway?"

    "Better let Brian explain," Justin replied, as he looked at Brian, who
hadn't sat down as of yet.

    "Um, well, we said we'd explain everything that's been going on and why
we've been acting so weird, so here we go," Brian said.  He looked over at
Nick and stopped.  Nick was shaking badly now, resting his coffee mug on the
floor in front of him and looking at the carpeting.  Brian watched as JC
scooted over and rested a hand on the small of Nick's back, rubbing slowly up
and down to try to calm him.  "I guess by now you guys must have realized
that Nick and I are gay," Brian said, directing his comments at the members
of N'Sync.  "And in a relationship."  He watched as Lance nodded slowly,
answering for his group.  "For a while now, things hadn't been working out,
so..."  He looked again at Nick and tried to hold in his own tears.  "We've
decided to break up."

    AJ inhaled sharply through his teeth.  Justin felt very nervous suddenly,
pulling his legs in to his body.

    "It's not something that any of us saw happening.  But it's some thing
that needed to be done.  Things have just...changed.  I still love Nick, but
he's my best friend.  And that's how things need to be."

    "And what part does Justin play in all of this," AJ asked sarcastically,
looking at the younger man.

    "Justin didn't do anything," Brian replied quickly, jumping to Justin's
defense.

    "Really," AJ said harshly.

    "AJ, cool it," Howie said, resting his hand on his friends arm.

    "No, I want to hear this," AJ said, pulling his arm from Howie.  "So, you
and Justin aren't sleeping together?"

    "What," Joey said quickly.  He looked at Justin.  "Curly, you're..."

    Justin looked from AJ to Joey and then Lance and Chris before slowly
nodding his head.  "Yea, I am," he said softly.  He felt panic rise in him
slowly as he saw the changing expressions on his friend's faces.

    "Damn," Joey said, shaking his head slowly.

    "It's not that I didn't want to tell you," Justin said quickly, looking
at each of his band mates, save for JC.

    "What was it then," Chris asked, a bit hurt.  "It's not like we turned on
JC.  If anything I think we helped him out."

    "You did," JC said quietly.

    "It's not that I don't trust you, or...or I thought you guys would reject
me, or...I just wasn't comfortable.  With any of it.  I wasn't sure of
myself."

    "It's ok Just," Lance said, nodding lightly.

    "Yea," Joey replied absently.

    "OK, so you're telling me Justin has nothing to do with you breaking up
with Nick," AJ asked Brian dead on.  Brian got flustered for a minute,
turning bright red.

    "This isn't the place," Brian said, embarrassed.

    "Sure it is," Nick whispered.

    "What," Brian asked, his head snapping in Nick's direction.

    "I said, sure it is.  It's the perfect place.  Let's tell everyone how
you decided you liked Justin more than me.  Trade in one pretty boy for
another.  That's how it is, isn't it Brian?  You do have a crush on Justin
don't you?"  Nick's eyes began to brim with tears as he stared at Brian's
face.

    "Nick, you know that isn't what happened-"

    "Don't I," Nick said harshly.  He looked at Brian once more before
hopping up and rushing into Kevin's bathroom.

    "Christ," Brian whispered.  He looked down, his face settling first on
AJ's angry expression.  "What AJ!  What the fuck do you want from me!  Do you
want me to stay in a relationship that makes us both miserable?  How long do
you want me to pretend AJ?!?"

    AJ's face softened gradually under the heat of Brian's assault.  "I'm
sorry," he whispered.  "I just don't want to see Nick hurt..."

    "None of us do," Kevin said quickly.  Howie remained silent, unsure of
what to say.  His head went back and forth finally resting on JC.

    "What about you JC," Howie asked suspiciously.

    "What about me," JC asked defensively.

    "Well, what's going on between you and Nick," Howie asked.  "I
dunno...you two look like you've gotten pretty close."

    "None of your business," JC said harshly.  Lance made a slight noise, as
JC's head jerked towards him.  "Nothing is happening between Nick and I," JC
whispered.  "Nothing at all."

    "Whatever," Brian said absently, sitting on the edge of Kevin's bed.

    "Brian, cool it," Kevin said.

    "If JC says there's nothing going on between him and Nick, then there's
nothing going on between them," Chris said.

    "I don't want to see Nick taken advantage of," Howie said.

    "No one is going to take advantage of him more than Brian has," Joey said.

    "What the hell does that mean," Howie asked quickly.

    "JC's just trying to help Nick.  He doesn't need to take advantage of
anybody," Chris said,

    "Brian is the one who kept Nick hanging on til something better came
along," Joey yelled.

    "Will you stop this," Justin yelled.  "Nothing is going on between any of
us," Justin said.  "God, we're gay so that means we trade off lovers when we
get bored with them?  It doesn't work that way."

    "Nick and Brian were in love," JC said, staring at the floor.  "It didn't
work out.  That's the end of it.  Frankly it's none of our business."

    "Can we just stop arguing already," Lance said.

    "It's just not worth it," Kevin said standing up.  "What's going on
doesn't involve us."

    "We're a family," AJ said.  "This involves us."

    "Actually, this is none of your business," Brian said, not even looking
at his band mates.  "What goes on in my bedroom is my business.  Who's in my
bed is none of your business."

    "And when Nick is in that bathroom crying his eyes out, it's our business
too.  It's going to affect his performance.  It's going to affect our
friendships.  It's our business too Brian."  AJ's eyes burned into Brian for
a moment before looking away.

    "I'm so sick of this shit," Brian said.  He looked over at Justin and
shook his head.

    "We've got a plane to catch guys," Lance said, deciding that he couldn't
deal with the tension anymore.  "We really have to get going."

    "We should get ready too," Kevin said.  "Time to say goodbye I guess."

    Lance stood slowly with a groan and walked over to Kevin and smiled.  "It
was great seeing you guys," he said a bit sarcastically.

    "Same here," Kevin said with a smile, hugging Lance tightly.  "Give me a
call when you get to Orlando.  Maybe we could meet up or something."

    "That would be great," Lance said with a smile.

    "Um, I guess this is bye for now," Brian said awkwardly as he looked at
Justin.

    "Yea, I guess so," Justin replied.  He got up and held out his arms
tentatively as Brian hugged him tightly.

    "I'm gonna miss having you in my room," Brian whispered.

    "I'm gonna miss being there," Justin replied as he put his head on
Brian's shoulder.  He pulled away slightly and reached into his pocket,
pulling out a business card.  "Um, here's my number and e-mail address and
stuff.  If you want to get in touch, or something."

    "You have a cell phone," Brian said with a smile.

    "Yep," Justin replied.  Brian walked over to Kevin's night stand and
pulled out a pen and a sheet of paper.

    "Here's my cell number," Brian said, giving the sheet over to Justin.
"Call...whenever you want," he said, a bit nervously.

    "I might take you up on that," Justin said with a smile.

    JC remained seated on the floor, not knowing where he should go.  After a
minute, he got up and walked over to the bathroom door.  "Nick," he
whispered.  No sound came from inside.  He knocked lightly.  "It's JC, Nick.
Please open up."

    The door opened slowly, Nick standing behind it nervously.  "Hey," he
whispered.

    "Hey," JC said with a light smile.  "Um, we have to get going, so I just
wanted to say goodbye."

    Nick's face appeared panicked for a moment as he looked over at everyone
saying goodbye.  "You're leaving so soon?"

    "Yea, we have a plane to catch and all."

    "Oh," Nick said as he looked down at JC's feet.  "So, this is goodbye?"

    "Well, for now.  I'll be in Orlando in a few days, so maybe we could..."

    "Yea," Nick said.  He looked suddenly defeated.

    "Nick, please-"

    "It's ok JC.  You couldn't stay with me forever," Nick said weakly.  JC
looked at him longingly for a second.  Nick gave a weak smile and sighed.  He
hugged JC tight, laying his head on his shoulder.  "Thank you."

    "Come on JC, time to go," Lance said as Nick pulled away.  JC kissed Nick
lightly on the cheek and ran his fingers through his hair.

    "I'll see you soon," JC whispered.  He followed Lance out of Kevin's
room, throwing quick glances back at Nick.

    Nick watched as the guys from N'Sync filed out of Kevin's room.  He
leaned against the door frame, looking until the door closed.

    "OK guys, we need to get packed up and ready," Kevin said.  "Limos will
be here in an hour."  He looked over at Nick and smiled lightly.  "You ok,"
he whispered.

    Nick just nodded and turned towards the door, shutting it tight behind
him.

    "Shit, I still have some clothes in there," Brian said, sitting on
Kevin's bed.

    "Just give him some time to get his shit together," AJ said.

    Brian looked up at his friend and nodded.  "Yea, I guess it's better that
way."

                                    *****

    Nick walked into his room slowly, his eyes not looking at anything in
particular.  He walked past the bathroom and over to the bed, where he lay
down softly.  The room was empty, leaving him alone...really alone for the
first time in so long.  He felt fresh tears spring to his eyes, quickly
banishing them.

    He leapt up quickly and walked into the bathroom, gathering all his
toiletries to pack them back in his leather travel case.  He pulled it from
the side of the sink and opened it, when something caught his eye.  It was a
small envelope, light blue in color.  Nick picked it up slowly, and saw his
name scrawled on the outside of it.  He walked out of the bathroom and back
towards the bed, bumping into his luggage as it lay open on the floor.  He
tore the envelope open slowly, pulling out a single sheet of paper which had
been folded and refolded many times.

Dear Nick,

    I feel sort of dumb leaving you a letter like this, but here it goes.
This is just the easiest way for me to say to you everything I wanted from
our first night together, but couldn't.  Things aren't easy right now, and I
guess I didn't want to complicate them by throwing my feelings into it.

    I care about you.  A lot.  God, you have no idea how hard it is for me to
get that out, especially knowing how much you're in love with Brian, even if
you two aren't together anymore.  But last night, when you were crying, and I
was holding you, I was crying to.  Because I wanted so bad to be the one to
make you smile.  I wanted to make you cry happy tears, so that I could kiss
them away.  It sounds dumb, I know.  We haven't known each other very long,
but you're one of the sweetest, gentlest, tenderest people I've had the
pleasure of meeting.  You're very special, and I just need to make sure you
know that.  I don't know if I'll give this to you, and if I do, I know it
won't be in person, but I just needed to get this off of my chest before it
was too late.  So, just put this in your pocket for a rainy day.  Someone
cares about you.  A lot.  And I hope that you'll remember that.

With love,
                                                                            JC

    A number was scrawled at the end.  Nick held the letter in his hands long
after he finished reading it, letting a few tears drip down onto the page.
His hands trembled as he held it, remembering the events of the past couple
of days.  'JC,' he thought to himself, shaking lightly.  He folded the paper
and placed it back in the envelope, putting it in his pocket.

    "Nick," a voice from the doorway said.  He looked up and noticed Brian
standing there, a bit nervously.

    "Hey Bri," Nick said.

    "Um, I was wondering if I could grab the clothes I left in here so I can
finish packing."

    "Yea sure," Nick said absently, not even looking at Brian.  Brian picked
up the clothes he could find, dropping them on the bed behind Nick.  When he
was satisfied he had gotten them all he sat down beside Nick.

    "I just wanted to apologize," he said slowly, his voice catching in his
throat.

    "Don't," Nick said, shaking his head as he stared out in front of him.

    "I didn't want things to happen like this," Brian said.  "But I don't
want you to settle when it comes to love Nick.  I want you to be with someone
who's going to love you as much as you love them, and always be there for
you.  I thought that person could be me, but...Nick, you can do so much
better."

    "Brian please," Nick said, pleading slightly.  "I really don't think I
can do this right now."

    "Alright," Brian said sadly, standing up.  He kissed Nick lightly on the
cheek.  "We'll always be Frick and Frack," Brian said.  With that he took his
clothes and quickly exited.

    Nick continued to stare at the wall ahead of him.  Finally he looked
around, noticing the clothes strewn all over the room.  "Shit," he whispered
to himself.

    "Nick, Kevin says we have to get going," AJ said from the doorway.  He
noticed Nick sitting on the bed and walked quickly into the room, putting his
arm around Nick's shoulder.  "Are you ok?"

    "Not really," Nick said, trying to smile weakly.  He rested one hand on
his pocket.  "But I think I'm getting there."

                                        *****

    "Hey, JC," Joey said as he waved a hand in front of his friends face.
"You alive?"

    "Yea," JC said absently.  He shook his head quickly and turned towards
Joey, smiling wide.  "Yea, I'm alive."  He looked back out the window as the
plane gathered speed down the runway.  'Goodbye Nick,' he thought to himself
as he placed one hand on the window.  He noticed a few drops of rain start to
splash against the thick glass, his smile growing wider.  'For a rainy day...'

                                        *****

    OK, there ya go.  Yes, it's shorter and yes it's late, but I had to
finish one thing before I can go on, and breaking it up here seemed the most
convenient place to do it.  I hope everyone caught the "Talented Mr. Ripley"
allusion in here.  Great movie...rent it if you haven't seen it.  I'll be
working on Nick and Justin next, so that should hopefully be out in...like a
week or so.  If you've got any questions, comments or suggestions, send them
to Mike at BrwyMilo@aol.com.  I'm interested to know what you think of this
story...especially the bad stuff and what could be better, and where you
think it's heading.  See ya soon.