Date: Fri, 21 Jul 2000 22:47:56 -0700
From: Denzil Cuddy <D_Cuddy@email.msn.com>
Subject: Story of My Love  Part One, installment one

This is my first attempt at posting anything on the archive, so be gentle.
I must admit that I have read a LOT of the stories, and am quite fond of
several of them.  The ones I would suggest to everyone are My Surprise
Romance Brian and Me Superman Can't Fly Studio in the Country Lance in
Shining Armour these are great stories and great authors.  Well, enough
about that!

Let me also say that if for any reason it is illegal for you to be reading
this, please don't.  I would, however, suggest that if you don't like the
reason it is illegal for you to read this try to do something to have it
changed.  The world is the way it is and if you don't like it you need to
go out and do something about it.  You can vote, sign petitions, start
petitions, organize and you can accomplish anything.  :-)

Let me also say that I don't know any of the people in my story, the
character's personalities are completely fictional and my own creation.  I
think the famous people who I use as rough templates for these characters
are really cute and talented but I only see their public personae, which
all of you do too.  So, I am making them the way I would like them to be
and I hope that you, my readers, like them that way too.  You are free to
e-mail me with any comments at D_cuddy@email.msn.com I will try to reply as
quickly as possible but I am a college student, with a full class load, so
don't become all upset if it takes a while.  Well, on with the show!!



 The rain is falling gently, and blurring the world from my view inside the
bus.  The large windows have rivulets streaming down their surfaces and the
world is gray and wet.  I smile at my own reflection in the window, and I
chuckle at my vanity.  I suppose it was only a matter of time before all
the publicity went to my head.  I saw Lance approaching in the reflection
and smiled as I turned to face him.

 "Hey Lance, how's it going?"

 "Fine, JC, you know how I loved being cooped up on the bus for hours on
end!  What are you so deeply in thought about?  You've been staring out
that window for a good twenty minutes now."

 Lance smiled as he sat beside me on the little ledge that ran along side
the base of the window.  It was my favorite perch on the bus.  Everyone had
their favorite spots.  Justin and Chris love the little room with the
television, video games, and all other forms of electronic entertainment.
Joey seems to prefer his bunk to our company most of the time.  Yet they
persist in calling me sleepy!  Lance was the only real wanderer amongst us,
always sitting in a different place, but I think he prefers sitting up
front by the driver quietly watching out for the way ahead.

 "I don't know Scoop, life I suppose."  I smile at this.  "That and I seem
to have discovered that the window works really well as a mirror."

 "Josh, you're smiling and all, but you still seem sad.  What's wrong man?"

 Lance put his hand on my shoulder and I looked out the window again,
watching the dark and damp world whiz by.  I can see in the reflection
Lance is watching too, but I can also see that he is watching me.  I sigh
and turn away from my view of the world, and back to my friend.

 "I'm sorry Lance, just feeling a little out of it.  I know it's sounds
insane being with you four all the time, but I'm kind of lonely.  I feel
like something is missing, and I don't know what it is.  Is that a sad
sounding situation or what!"

 "No, I know exactly what you mean.  I've been feeling a little lonely
lately myself.  I feel a little disconnected from reality, as if that makes
sense.  I can't talk to the other guys, but Josh I think you and I have
this in common.  Josh, I'm gay."

 I sit back and look at Lance.  His blond hair is smooth and silky, he
doesn't usually keep it all gelled and spiked when we are not making public
appearances.  His eyes look a little red and puffy, and I suddenly wonder
if he has been crying.  I put my arm around him and pull him in for a tight
embrace.  He stiffens for a moment and then just starts sobbing on my
shoulder.  I rub his back with a gentle circular motion, and make little
soothing "shooshing" noises.  It feels odd comforting someone who is
usually so very strong and in control.

 I told all of the guys that I am bisexual when we first started out.  It
was kind of difficult there for a while, and my friendship with Justin has
never returned to the way it was.  Justin and Chris were really tight now,
best friends even.  Joey being the loner and not really being a good friend
with any of us left me and Lance to stumble about by ourselves.  I am
amazed that it has never occurred to me before to try and befriend Lance.

 "Lance, you can talk to me about anything, I need a friend and so do you.
So, what do you say, shall we be there for each other?"

 "JC, yes, I do need a friend.  Thank you so much, when we get to New York,
lets have a long talk.  You can come to my room and we can order room
service, my treat."

 Lance hugs me, and I feel strange for a moment.  I like this.  It feels
right to be in Lane's arms and it feels safe.  I smile in confusion, and
wonder where all of this is going to lead.  I pat Lance's back, and we kind
of rock back and forth for a few minutes.  I think he wanted to hold on as
badly as I never wanted him to let go.  I feel almost guilty at the
realization that I am attracted to him.  I smile though as I realize I have
always liked him.  I have always kind of admired him, and always thought
that he was cute.  I finally feel him start to pull away, and I grudgingly
let go of my new found best friend.

 "JC, I'm sorry to cut things short, but I have had a trying day, and
really need to head to bed.  I think I am actually going to sleep well
tonight, even though we're on the bus."  He smiles as I wish him a good
night and go back to staring out of the window.  Cars are whizzing by us,
their lights just streaks in the damp night air.  It has stopped raining,
or we have left the rain behind, but the air still looks pregnant with the
gray clouds hanging heavily in the sky above.

 I close my eyes, and think about the small epiphanies I have just had with
Lance.  I play with the small silver symbol that is always hanging around
my neck.  I have had this for a long time and it never comes off, playing
with it when in thought has become one of my trademark habits.  A lover
gave it to me a long time ago, he was my first love.  After he died in an
automobile crash I swore to never take it off.  It has been around my neck
since then.  It was his birth sign and mine as well.  I sigh and lean
against the cool glass and listen to the small sounds in the bus.

 I jump as I feel a hand clamp around my shoulder.  I open my eyes and look
in the window to see Justin standing behind me.  He smiles as he sees my
eyes open in the same glass.

 "Hey, JC, it's almost 1:30 we shouldn't be in New York before 9 but I
would suggest you try and get some rest.  You know we have to be on TRL
tomorrow, and probably a couple of interviews with local radio stations."

 " I know, Just., I think I'll head to bed, thanks for letting me know."  I
stand and smile at him.  I feel the distance that lies between us now more
than ever.  Now that Lance is assuming a new roll in my life I feel the
sense of loss all over again.  Justin and I had once been so close, and now
I was replacing him.  I could feel that Lance and I would be great friends,
and it was like watching Justin slip away.

 "You o.k. JC??  You look like you are about ready to cry.  What's wrong?"
I hear genuine concern in his voice, but I see in his eyes a pleading for
me not to tell him.  I smile at his contradicting nature.

 "Sorry Curly, it's just that sometimes I miss how it used to be.  Ya know
what I mean.  We used to be best friends, and suddenly it just seems we are
so far apart."  I see a sadness akin to my own in his eyes, and I can not
help but smile.  "It's o.k. Justin, I mean we are very different people
from who we were a couple of years ago.  I just get all sentimental
sometimes, we are still friends and all.  Lets go shopping, just the two of
us one day in New York.  What do you say?"

 He looks at me for a moment, and I suddenly feel very sad.  I see that he
has really grown up, and I must have too at some point.  It is quite
shocking to discover that you have grown up by looking in someone else's
eyes.  He smiles and I feel something that has been barely hanging on for a
while now finally die, some spark was extinguished at that moment.  I
realize my friendship with Justin is really over.

 "We'll see what we can do JC.  You know how hectic things can get.  Just
remind me, you know how forgetful I am, and I'll try to work it out."

 I felt cold, and alone.  After everything we have done together, all the
things we have shared, he is blowing me off.  Friendship is much like a
love affair, just without the sex.  You spend time with your friend, and
vice versa.  I felt betrayed and slapped in the face at the same moment.  I
let my anger get the better of me.

 "You know what, Justin, just forget it.  I should have known better than
try to resurrect something that is long since dead.  Let's just remember
the friendship that was, and not let it interfere with the working
relationship we have now.  Good night Justin."

 I know that I have over-reacted but I could not help myself.  After I told
everyone about being bisexual Justin and his mom Lynn, had practically
turned into strangers.  I had just accepted it because my real family, my
flesh and blood, had done the same thing.  I thought it was some failing on
my part, but some how, tonight, I have finally seen the light.  It is not
my fault, I let them know who I really was as soon as I figured it out
myself, and they did not like the real me.

 I was flushed and pissed as I jumped into my bunk and pulled the curtain
shut behind me.  I felt the tears in my eyes and pulled the pillow over my
face incase I sobbed.  I felt all the loneliness I have endured over the
past couple of years come rearing to the surface.  I was drowning in pent
up emotions, and I could not save myself.  I thought I could hear the rain
and thunder beginning anew outside the bus and it matched the emotions that
were ripping through me exactly.

 I heard the curtain to my bunk slide back, and jerked the pillow from my
face ready to pound Justin.  I saw Lance and the look on his face was
beautiful to me.  He was concerned, he was worried about me.  I love it, it
has been so long since I had anyone care for me.  I sighed and dropped back
to the bed, pulling my arm over my eyes as I did so.  I sobbed and fresh
tears slid down my face, I think my chest is going to cave in.

 He lays down beside me and pulls me into a hug.  I feel the storm within
calming down, and the weariness that only strong emotions can bring began
to descend.  I felt safe and loved, and I have found a true friend.  I
smile as I slip off into sleep.


There, sorry it is so short, but this seems like a natural breaking point
in the story, and hopefully there is enough suspense to get y'all to read
my future installments.  Hopefully they will be longer, and I hope to have
some more character development and interaction.  Let me know what you
think again my email is D_cuddy@msn.com Thanks for reading and all feedback
is welcome.

Loves ya mean it,

byby