Date: Thu, 12 Sep 2002 19:53:25 -0700 (PDT) From: Author James <authorjames2002@yahoo.com> Subject: Trials of a Real Dark Knight 23 Disclaimer: This story, though maybe not in this chapter but in subsequent chapters, will have celebrities in it. I have no knowledge of their sexuality and this is not intended to imply their sexuality. This is all from my own mind. Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, Angel and all related characters created by Joss Whedon. Copyright 20th Century Fox. Batman, and all related characters created by Bob Kane. Copyright DC Comics and Warner Bros. X-MEN, and all related characters created by Stan Lee. Copyright Marvel Comics and 20th Century Fox. The Vampire Chronicles and all related characters created by Anne Rice. Copyright Anne O'Brien Rice. Star Wars and all related concepts created by or based on the universe created by George Lucas. Copyright 20th Century Fox, LucasFilms Ltd. and Lucas Books/Ballantine Books. I don't know for sure if I will use all the above elements, but just in case, I have myself covered. This story has taken on a life of its own. From its inception a year ago, I had only thought it would last ten chapters maximum. As you can see, it has grown tremendously. Mostly due to readers emailing me and telling me they've enjoyed it or have received help due to certain issues addressed. I've enjoyed writing this story but it would not have been written without men and women reading it and telling me they've enjoyed it. I do hope that you continue to enjoy each new chapter as our hero lives and grows. I have received many emails from people who have enjoyed it and some from those who do not. I would enjoy hearing from you. Any emails you send, please tell me what chapter and story you are commenting on. Thanks. authorjames2002@yahoo.com I also have several online messenger services, one of which is this yahoo email address. Some of you know them; however, in the recent weeks I've changed my screen name. If you want to chat with me in real time, email me and tell me the services you use and I will tell you my screen name. Chapter 23 Honesty Jesse calmed himself enough and I released my embrace. Joey came over with some tissues and handed them to Jesse. "Thank you," Jesse said. I stood up as the door opened and Frankie and Lance came in. I could tell by the look on Frankie's face he still wasn't happy with what happened. But he seemed to have a new strength, almost an acceptance of how things were. That was good. Knowing what the situation was and facing it was much better than denying it. Facing a situation with all the facts makes for dealing with the situation better. "Are you okay?" I asked Frankie. He nodded and went to the chair. Joey handed him some tissues and he thanked him and sat. I turned to Lance. "Is everything okay?" "He doesn't think it is wrong to be gay," Lance whispered. "He is dealing with someone he loves not loving him back." "Poor guy," I whispered. "Hopefully I can persuade them to see the facts as they stand now." "Go get 'em, tiger," Lance said with a slight grin. I smiled at him and we went back to the chair. Lance sat down and spread his legs wide for me to sit on the edge of the chair. "Jesse, what makes you think it is wrong? Wait, let me rephrase that, why do you feel it is wrong to be gay?" "I don't know. It is a deep feeling I have in my gut." "Have you always believed it is wrong? Have you heard from your family and friends that being gay is wrong?" Jesse looked away thinking hard about what I asked. Then he turned back and I knew the answer right away. His family had beliefs that were very traditional, would almost transcend society. I could relate. I had some of those beliefs myself. Jesse nodded his head affirming my suspicions. "My family believed that sex was for procreation and for a man and his wife, not two women and certainly not too men. I grew up hearing how gay people went to hell for their immoral, lustful desires. I've had it pounded in me that I would go there as well despite how 'good' and 'holy' I lived. "How do you reconcile that, Eric? How?" "You don't have to reconcile with any person, Jesse. You need to realize. Realize who God truly is, not what others purport him to be. Most tend to make God in their image instead of realizing all are made in God's. Know what your relationship with God is. Know God loves you. That is what helped me reconcile with man's teachings. I didn't have to reconcile anything with God except the teachings I carried around in me. "God was always with me from the time I was little. I knew God loved me and I loved God. The desire ran deep in me, like a fact of life. It wasn't until mankind taught over and over how being gay was sinful, being gay was evil, homosexuals go to hell. I internalized that. And because men in the pulpit, men who supposedly represented God, spoke those words, I felt they were in the know. After all, one who represents God must surely talk with God on a regular basis. This person must know God intimately in order to be in the position in the first place. "I tried to change who I was. I tried to be straight. I tried just living my life and ignoring it, figuring it would go away or something. I dated girls. I prayed countless hours, cried out to God countless hours, received prayer from many men of God, and nothing happened. I didn't change. I didn't get a miracle cure. And through all of this heartache and turmoil I went through, God was present loving me, supporting me, and encouraging me as a person, as a human being that was loved. If any thing, it proved in my heart that God doesn't have a problem with being gay, God's children do. They are the ones who need help, assurance and lifted up. "That doesn't mean that gay people don't ever need God. Everyone needs God. But our sexuality, our hearts and the way our hearts love, those things don't need God." Jesse sat there nodding his head. I was actually getting through to him. That felt good. I was doing what I set out to do a year ago in Los Angeles. The rest of the evening went by quickly with Justin and Lance telling their coming-out stories, the issues they dealt with and so forth. I was able to get a greater in-depth understanding of the man I loved so dearly. It was quite refreshing, a learning experience for all, I think. By the time we finished, it was well after midnight. Everyone was exhausted and I didn't think it was safe for 'Dream Street' to call a cab to go to their hotel. After talking with Lance, we decided to let them stay the night. Justin, JC, Chris and Joey left for the night leaving Lance and I alone with the teenagers. "I'll go get some blankets," I replied and headed up the stairs to the spare bedroom. As I was going through the closet, a knock came at the door. I turned around to see Frankie looking exhausted and staring at me. "Hey," I greeted. "Can I get you something?" Frankie stepped in. "How do you think it went?" he asked. "It went well, really well." "I mean Jesse. Do you think it was enough to convince Jesse being gay is okay?" "That I don't know. A lot was said tonight. He will need time to process it and work things out in his mind and heart. He could go either way, honestly, though most tend to go toward being positive about being gay. Some accept they are gay but believe they are going to hell anyway, not a healthy way of living, in my book. "Are you okay?" "Yeah. Everything you guys said made perfect sense. I never had to deal with the stuff you guys dealt with. My family was always into religion, but they never treated gay people as sinners going to hell. I felt like I was at home. I just wish..." Frankie got a little choked up. I walked over to him and gave him a hug. "Give him time to work this through. Not everyone has had the luxury of having a normal family that didn't teach hate. We all grew up in some type of 'this group is the enemy' mentality. Most of us were fortunate enough to overlook the ignorance of it. Some of us loved our families and accepted everything as gospel truth. "Jesse needs time to find out what is right for him. He needs to let God confirm in his heart what is right and what is wrong. This is where you have to be patient and be there for him in whatever capacity he needs." I walked over and grabbed some blankets. "Could you give me a hand?" "Sure," he replied. He grabbed some blankets from me and took a few pillows. I took the rest of the bedding and we headed downstairs to the living room. Lance helped me make up the bedding on the floor for the guys. "Thanks," Greg said to me as he took off his shoes and polo shirt. "I'm sure Chris and Matt aren't too thrilled with what you said. They've acted like it. But you don't hate them for their feelings." "People have a right to feel their feelings. They are important. But so long as acts of violence don't come from those feelings. "Speaking of feelings. What are your feelings on the subject?" "Honestly?" Greg asked. "Honestly." "I don't know. I'm not angry with them for being gay. Part of me knows they don't have a choice in it. When I think about what two guys do to show their affection, kissing, holding hands and stuff, I get freaked." "That's normal. You are not used to it. If you are exposed to it, in time you will be comfortable with it. No pressure. We all have growing to do in our lives. I even had to deal with it. You'll be okay." Greg nodded and went over to spot with a pillow. He pulled off his socks and climbed in. Chris and Matt were already lying down in their places. I smiled at them and headed up to the bedroom. Jesse came out of the bathroom. He smiled a little at me, but the smile was one of courtesy. He was unsure of many things. Understandable. It was my hope he would overcome and find his foundation again. Most do. Some however don't. Sort of like my friend Hunter last year, the one that killed himself. He had so many voices telling him so many different things. He couldn't sort anything out for himself. So he dealt with it the only way he knew how. Hunter is one more reason the center must succeed. I closed the bedroom door and headed into the bathroom to undress and go to the bathroom. I heard the bedroom door open and close. When I finished, I washed my hands and went out to see Lance undressing. "They have problems," Lance said. "Yes, they do. They have issues they need to work out, all of them. Jesse, Chris, Greg and Matt. I think Frankie is the only one who doesn't have a problem as far as homosexuality is concerned." "There is always a silver lining." "Amen to that," I said with a smile. I walked over and sat next to Lance, resting my head on his shoulder. "I made a discovery today." "Discovery?" he repeated. "Discovery of what?" "There is a large cave underneath the center." "Really? Interesting. I didn't know it was there. Did the foreman say it would be a problem in construction?" "He didn't see it. I'll have to tell them tomorrow." Lance kissed me and stood up to finish getting undressed. I climbed into the bed. After putting his clothes in the dirty clothesbasket, he came in finding me waiting for him. He came in and crawled into bed with me. I laid my head on his chest and played with his nipple. He giggled. "I love you," I said. "I love you, too." We clicked off the light and cuddled together. Jesse walked out to the poolside in his boxers and tee shirt and looked up at the stars. The door opened up behind him and he turned. Behind him stood Chris. "Are you okay?" Chris asked him. "No. It feels like my entire world is falling apart." "I know. What Eric said, it is easy to get confused. We will find someone else to help you." "It's partly that, Chris. But there is so much more behind it. Growing up being told it was wrong. But the way I felt in my heart. I had created a safe zone. In my heart, I allowed myself to feel, but I never allowed myself to express it. Expressing love was so unreal for me, especially for someone of the same sex." "That's because it was wrong." "No, honestly, it isn't. It was what people were saying that was wrong. It was their own fears and prejudices that I let control me." "What about Frankie? Are you letting his openness control you? All because of what you guys do in bed?" Jesse turned to Chris. "We never had sex. What I feel for him is different." "Explain it to me." Jesse turned around and looked up into the sky and began to sing: Have you ever been in love? You could touch the moonlight When your heart is shooting stars You're holding heaven in your arms Have you ever been in love? Have you ever walked on air? Ever felt like you were dreaming When you never thought it could But it really feels that good Have you ever been so in love? Have you ever been in love? You could touch the moonlight When your heart is shooting stars You're holding heaven in your arms Have you ever been in love? The time I spent waiting for something That was heaven sent When you find it don't let go I know... Have you ever said a prayer And found that it was answered All my hope has been restored I ain't looking any more Have you ever been... Some place that you ain't leaving Somwhere you gonna stay When you finally found the meaning Have you ever felt this way? The time I spent waiting for something That was heaven sent When you find it don't let go I know... Have you ever been in love You could touch the moonlight You could even reach the stars Doesn't matter near or far Have you ever been in love? Have you ever been in love? So in love Jesse smiled at Chris and walked passed him into the house after pouring out his heart to Chris. Chris watched Jesse go then he turned back and looked to the sky, considering Jesse's words. To Be Continued... The song is from Celine Dion's new album "A New Day Has Come". Awesome song. What do you think of everyone's reactions? What do you think of the story so far? I'd like to hear your comments.