Date: Mon, 26 Mar 2001 15:43:45 -0800 (PST)
From: Joshua Williams <Josh_wills@excite.com>
Subject: The Shape of My Heart - Chapter 3

Disclaimer

This is a work of fiction. Although the story does involve characters from
the Backstreet Boys, it is by no means a reflection on their lives or
sexuality. Any similarities to them or other stories is purely coincidental.
If you are under the legal age to be reading this or are offended by
homosexual relationships please do not continue. Thank you.
______________________________________________________________________


              The Shape of My Heart - Chapter 3


Uugh....my head," I moaned.

I opened my eyes and all I saw were fuzzy shapes. Rubbing my eyes, my vision
started to clear. Suddenly remembering my attack, I leapt out of bed in
defence only to realise I was no longer in the airport but in a hospital. As
I stood up I felt a searing pain in my leg, and I let out quite a scream
before falling back into bed.

Several nurses came rushing in to see what the comotion was about. Seeing my
body awkwardly positioned on the bed, they helped me back in the it, and
asked "What happened? How are you feeling?"

"Well, my heads really sore, and my leg...." I said then looking down at my
bandaged leg. "What happened?"

Just then a doctor walked in.

"Hi there Josh, how are you feeling?" asked the doctor.

"Not too great," I laughed. "What happened to my leg?" I then asked a bit
panicked.

"Well, from what airport security told me you were attacked and you're leg
was slashed pretty bad, but relax we've got that under control. Also, you
have quite a nasty concussion, but aside from that you're pretty much okay."

"My bags! Did you manage to..." I shouted out.

"All we have is the bag you came in with. You had your passport in it, but
most of the money is gone." said another voice.

"Hello Mr Williams. I'm Detective Peterson. If you're up for it I'd like to
ask you a few questions regarding the attack."

The doctor left and I related the incident to the detective who promised to
apprehend my attackers and retrieve my possessions. I wasn't very hopeful.
It was just my luck. I pass out twice, fall in love again with someone who
wouldn't reciprocate that love, get attacked and now I'm stranded without
any money. I had no one to turn to.

The doctor came back in and told me I needed some rest. I was tired, but I
couldn't sleep. I kept having flashes about the attack - it was all a haze,
but I still couldn't sleep.

                    ***************


"Hey Kev, do you know a Joshua Williams?" asked AJ

Thinking a moment, Kevin replied, "No I don't think so. Why?"

"Well, you got a call from the hospital saying that he had been in an
accident and that they found your card wit him." said AJ

Brian who was just watching some tv jumped when he heard this. "What did you
say?" asked Brian.

"Huh?" replied AJ.

"What about Josh?" screamed Brian.

"What are you talking about?" asked AJ really confused over Brian's
aggitation.

It suddenly dawned on Kevin, Joshua Williams, it was Josh!

"Which hospital called?" asked Brian again.

"I dunno, they left a number..." replied AJ pulling out a piece of paper.

Grabbing it from AJ, Brian ran to the phone and called the hospital. The
hospital staff weren't really helful maintaining that unless he was family,
she couldn't disclose any information regarding the patient. Fed up and very
worried, Brian decided to go to the hospital.

"What's going on?" asked Nick who was awaken by Brian's shouting.

"I'm going to the hospital, I'll be back later," announed Brian.

"Hospital, what's wrong?" asked Nick as he rubbed his eyes.

"I'm coming with you," said Kevin putting on this coat.

"Will someone tell me what's happening please!" shouted Nick.

"Some guy name Joshua's in the hospital, but they won't say anything more,"
said Howie.

"Josh is in the hospital? What happened...nevermind I'm coming too!" said
Nick putting his shoes on.

"Who's Josh?" asked AJ and Howie.

		               *******************

Even before the taxi stops, Brian leaped out of it and headed straight for
reception.

"Excuse me ma'am, a friend of mine was brought in earlier from an
accident..." said Brian.

"Follow the signs to the ER," the nurse replied without even looking up.

Brian then rushed to the ER.

"Excuse, can you tell me where Josh Williams is. He was brought in earlier."
Brian asked

"Are you family?" the nurse asked.

"No, but..."

"I'm sorry son, but you'll have to come back tomorrow then. Only family's
allowed." she replied looking genuinely sorry.

"You don't understand...." Brian pleaded.

Kevin was about to say something but suddenly the paramedics came rushing
in, which interrupted Brian and the nurse. The nurse then rushed out to see
the paramedics. Brian took this opportunity to peak over the counter to look
for Josh's name.

"Williams...williams....got it!" whispered Brian.

Brian motioned for Nick and Kevin to follow him.

Arriving at the ward, Brian saw two nurses at the entrance. He was sure they
wouldn't let him in, so he needed a distraction. He got Nick and Kevin to
speak to the nurse while he snuck in. The nurse was so star struck she took
no notice of Brian.

Peaking through every curtain, Brian finally found Josh.

Josh was lying there so peacefully, he looked like an angel. Brian was
worried. He needed to know happened, was it serious? Taking Josh's chart he
was relieved to find that his injuries were minor.

Brian moved closer to Josh. His leg and head were bandaged, and he had
scratches on his face. Brian longer to kiss the pain all away.

"It's all my fault..." Brian said sobbing a little.

"It's my fault he missed his flight, and my fault he walked out alone. I
shouldn't have let him go." said Brian sobbing harder.

Brian then felt a hand on his shoulder. Startled he turned around, but was
relieved that it was only Nick.

"Shh, Bri, you'll wake him." said Nick

"And Bri...its not your fault, it's no one's fault." said Nick reassuringly.

"Nick..."

"Yeah?"

"I want to move him to his own room. I don't want him in a place like this."


"Okay...well get it sorted. We should go and let him sleep."

"Just give a minute Nick.."

When Nick left, Brian leaned over and kissed Josh on the forehead and
whispered "I'm sorry,"

                             *******************

After explaining that Josh's family was in Northern Ireland, that they were
the only people he knew in the states and that they would pay for any
expenses, the hospital finally agreed to move him to another room.

Kevin had always been very supportive of his cousin, but he couldn't
understand why Brian was going to great lengths for Joshua. Kevin was
meaning to ask Brian about this for a while now, even noticing Brian's
concern for Josh in the plane, but never got a chance.

Joshua slept through the whole move since he had been given a sedative to
help him sleep.

"Guys, I think its best if you head back to the hotel now. We'll come back
tomorrow." said Kevin

"You guys go, I'll stay here the night with him." said Brian. Realising that
Kevin would be suspicious, he added "I know what its like to be alone in a
hospital. Remember Spain?" referring to his accident in Spain a few years
back.

Feeling exhausted, Kevin decided to wait until tomorrow to speak to Brian.

Walking over to Brian, Nick said, "Do you think it's a good idea you
staying?"

"Nick, I know what you're thinking, and you're probably right....but I want
to do this. I need to. I still feel kinda responsible, and...."

"I know...do you want me to stay with you?" asked Nick with concern.

"No. You go back with Kev. I'll see you tomorrow."

After Nick and Kevin left, Brian walked into the room. Pulling up a chair
next to the bed, he took a moment to take in all of Josh's beauty.
Everything about him was perfect. With the strain of the journey and
considering it was almost 4am,  Brian finally fell asleep.

                 *****************

My head was throbbing, and I really needed to use the loo. I opened my eyes
and was going to try and stand, but realised that I wasn't in the ward
anymore. Too many strange things were happening, and I thought I was losing
my mind. I was in a room. I began to look around, and saw a figure standing
by the window.

"Hello..." I called out.

"Josh!"

It was Brian! He ran over to me and gave me a hug.

"How are you feeling? Shall I get the doctor?"

Dazed and confused...what was Brian doing here. How did he find me? But
first things first, I needed to the loo and bad, so I tried to get up.
Realising what I was doing he came round and supported me and helped me into
a wheel chair. Feeling his arms around me...I felt safe again.

He helped me to my ensuite bathroom...ensuite!!!! Why was I moved? Brian
must have had something to do with this. After I got out, I asked him,

"Brian, what are you doing here?"

A little confused, I didn't come across as all to happy to see him.

Frowning he replied, "I heard you were in an accident and wanted to see if
you were okay." He turned away back to the window.

Realising I did seem a little ungrateful I said,

"Thanks! But I'm fine really. How did you find out? and did you move me to a
room?"

My voice was a tad more chirpy he seemed happier.

"They found Kev's card on you, and so they called him. I hope you don't mind
me moving you here, its just that..."

Brian wanted to say that it was because he cared so much for Joshua, but
decided to come up with excuse instead.

"...well if the boys want to visit, it would be easier this way. More
privacy"

I laughed. " I can imagine, but Brian...I can't afford this, so...."

"Josh! Please don't think of money at a time like this. I'll handle the
hospital fees okay." said Brian

"Brian...you're too generous, but I can't..."

I was interrupted by Nick and Kevin's loud "Joshy boy!!" AJ and Howie
followed.

"How are you feeling this morning? You don't look too hot!" joked Nick.

"I'm fine guys, and thanks for the room and for everything."

"Chill, it's not biggy. Oh, where are my manners, Josh this is AJ and
Howie." said Nick

"Hiya," I said sheepishly. I must have looked a complete state.

"What happened Josh?" asked Kevin.

I didn't really want to think about it. It wasn't like it was a bad attack,
but I was still shaken up and didn;t want to talk about it.

"I...umm....it was just an accident. Some car, and...nothing serious." I
stammered.

They must have all picked up on my not wanting to talk about it, so they
changed the subject.

We were chatting and I was getting to know AJ and Howie for a while, then
the doctor came in.

"Right boys, if you don't mind I'll need to speak to the patient in private
for a second."

"We'll be right outside okay," said Brian.

When the door shut the doctor looked at me and said,

"Those are some friends you've got there!" he joked.

"They great," I smiled not wanting to get into anymore.

"We've done a few tests and all is fine, so you're fit to leave. We'll be
giving you some antibiotics and painkillers for your leg, and it should heal
up in a few weeks. Until then keep it dry and try not to walk too much on
it."

"Thanks doctor. So can I discharge myself now?" I asked eager to leave the
hospital.

"Anytime you want. Oh, by the way, Detective Peterson called and wanted you
to leave a forwarding address or telephone number where he could reach you.
So give him a ring later. Take care now."

When he left the boys came back in.

"What did he say? Is it anything serious?" asked Brian

I was going to tell them what he said, but I knew if I did they would have
wanted to help me. I needed help, but the pain of having Brian so close yet
so far was too much to bear, so I decided to lie.

"He said that he wants to keep in for another day for a few more routine
checks, and I should be out by tomorrow. Guys, not wanting to seem rude of
anything, but all the medication is making me a bit drowsy, so if you don't
mind..."

"Say no more, you want us gone!" Nick joked. He was also so chirpy, full of
life. The spark in mine had died.

I just laughed. They all gave me a hug, but when Brian hugged me he seemed
to linger, or was it me who was lingering. I wanted to hold his closer, to
protect me, and then I realised everyone was waiting and I pulled away. As I
pulled away I swear I noticed a hint of sadness in his eyes.

Nick took his hand and led him out of the room. What was I thinking, either
Brian was straight or him and Nick were together. There was no two way about
it.

The moment they left, I packed up my things. I jeans were blood stained and
ripped. I'd lost all my things, and I had just about sent away the only
people who remotely cared about me. I was stupid!! I put my clothes on and
took my bag and hobbled down the corridor to reception.

As I was signinig the discharge papers I realised that I had to pay the
bill. I dug into my bag and thankfully my credit card was still there. I
signed for it and kept on telling myself that I had done the right thing and
that I'd be fine.

I was given a pair of crutches to help me walk. I looked a mess. Even though
I had a shower, I looked tired. My t-shirt was dirty, my jeans were torn,
and I was walking on crutches. The only thing that looked good was the
jacket from Brian, which I held on to for dear life. It gave me a sense of
security.

I exited the hospital, and started walking, well more so hobbling down to
the nearest bus stop. I didn't know where I was going, what I was going to
do. I wanted to go home, but I didn't have a home anymore. I was kicked out.
I was alone, I had only myself. I thought about Brian when he sung to me,
when he hugged me this morning, how he held my hand, how sad he looked
everytime I wasn't particularly nice to him.....was it possible he felt for
me what I felt for him? Even if he did, he had Nick. I remember them in an
embrace telling Nick he loved him.

I sat at the bus stop and started to cry. I was sobbing incontrollably.
Thank god there was no one around to see me.

to be continued..............

*********************************************************

How is it so far? I promise more will happen, just give it time.

I love feedback so email me!! josh_wills@excite.com

Thanks!