Date: Tue, 27 Mar 2001 16:42:24 -0800 (PST)
From: Joshua Williams <Josh_wills@excite.com>
Subject: The Shape of My Heart - Chapter 4

Disclaimer

This is a work of fiction. Although the story does involve characters from
the Backstreet Boys, it is by no means a reflection on their lives or
sexuality. Any similarities to them or other stories is purely coincidental.
If you are under the legal age to be reading this or are offended by
homosexual relationships please do not continue. Thank you.

______________________________________________________________________


Send me feedback! I thrive on it. It's slow moving I know, abd there needs
to be a little more going on, but don't you think that it makes it all the
more romantic?

Thanks to everyone who has written to me - at least I know there are some
people out there who are reading my story.



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		     The Shape of My Heart - Chapter 4


"Have any of you seen my wallet?" asked Brian digging through his pockets.

"No," they all replied.

"When the last time you had it?" asked Nick.

"I'm quite sure I had it last night, but...."

"But what?"

"Oh I know, I left it in Josh's room. I'm going to run back there and get
it."

"Why don't you just call Josh and get it from him tomorrow,"

The moving closer to Brian he whispered "You're bringing him here tomorrow
aren't you.." then started giggling.

"Shut up!" said Brian punching Nick in the shoulder.

"I'll be back in a bit."

Brian grabbed his coat and walked out of the room.

"Nick, walk with me, I need umm...to get something from my room." said
Kevin.

- In Kevin's room -

Nick was quite sure what Kevin *really* wanted. He was obviously concerned
about Brian's awkward behaviour recently. As much as he wanted to tell Kevin
about, it wasn't his place to do so.

"Nick, what's up with Bri? He's been well....so put it mildly acting wierd
lately, and I haven't really had the opportunity to talk to him about it.
Actually, even if I did I doubt he'd say anything. Has he said anything?"

"Kev, slow down. I won't lie to to you, Brian has spoken to me, but I can't
tell you about it. He's going to have to do it." Nick replied.

"Oh...." said Kevin looking crestfallen. The stress of the recording was
touring had strained his relationship with Brian, and they were growing
apart. He knew this, but it hurt so much more that Brian had spoken to Nick
about it, even though Nick was Brian's best friend. To top it off, with
Howie and AJ spending more time together, Kevin felt left out.

Seeing Kevin's dejected and dissapointed face, Nick held Kevin's shoulder,

"Kev, Brian loves you, and the only reason he hasn't said anything is
well.....give him time to sort things out in his head."

"Thanks," mumbled Kevin, then pulling Nick into a full embrace.

				*****

Knowing where the room was Brian didn't bother with the nurses at reception.
Wanting to surprise Josh, he picked up some balloons and flowers. Standing
outside the door,

"Take deep breaths. If he freaks out over the flowers and balloons, just say
they are from everyone." said Brian to himself.

Brian was excited about seeing Josh. He wanted so badly to reveal his
feeling for him, but didn't know how to. He decided for now, it was good
enough for him just to be with Josh.

Just in case Josh was asleep, he quietly turned the knob and slowly opened
the door. Instead of seeing Josh in bed, it was empty. He initially thought
he got the wrong room, but checking the number he was positive he was right.
Then for a split second he thought the worse,

"what if.....no....I just saw him," panicking some more, he ran for the
nurses station and asked,

"Josh Williams, umm where is he?"

"Oh, you mean that nice looking young man?" said the nurse.

"yeah, yeah, where is he?" said Brian impatiently.

"He was discharged today." she replied.

"Discharged? That's not possible. He said he'd be in here another day!" said
Brian confused.

"No, I'm quite sure, but let me check....yup Dr Leiman signed the papers,
and that was about...an hour ago."

The nurse looked up but Brian had already left. Making his way to the fron
to the hospital he hoped to find Josh somewhere nearby.

"He could't have gone far with his leg in that condition, unless he took a
cab," thought Brian.

"Maybe he's called Kevin.."

Taking his mobile he speed dialed to Kevin's number.

"Kev, has Josh phoned you?"

"Brian?"

"Whoelse? So has he?"

"No, why?"

"He's been discharged, and I'm worried about him. His legs hurt, and
considering that's he's settled the hosptial bill, I don't think he's got
very much money. Kev, we've got to do something!" Brian said very
exasperated.

"Calm down Brian. Are you sure he's been discharged? Maybe they've just
moved him." said Kevin trying to calm Brian down.

"Quite sure, the nurse remembers him leaving and she even showed me the
discharge papers. Kev, he's hurt, broke, and in LA! Anything could happen to
him!!"

"Brian, just calm down. You're not much use to him if you don't."

"Why didn't he call? He said tomorrow..."

"Bri, maybe he'd wanted to be alone for a while. I'm sure he'll call later.
He's not a kid, he can take care of himself."

Kevin wasn't positive, but what Brian was hiding was becoming clear. The
singing in the plane, the sudden elation, then bang down depression. He was
shocked, Brian...gay? Kevin had been fighting with is own feelings for Nick
for a while now, and felt so alone, but if Nick knew Brian was interested in
Josh, and was fine with it, maybe...just maybe.....then...

"Kevin? are you there?" asked Brian.

"Oh, what....yeah. Sorry, was trying to..nevermind." said Kevin.

"I'm going to see if I can find him, and maybe we should call the police,
you know..."

"Bri, don't be silly.  And don't you go anywhere. I'll be right down with a
few extra body guards. I don't want you roaming the streets alone, we're in
LA, people WILL recognise you! And what are you going to do? Walk around the
hospital. If he did leave, he'd take a cab, NOT walk! Stay put!!" said Kevin
trying to drum some sense into Brian.

"Kev, the longer I wait, who knows what could happen. Just give me a ring
when you do get down here. Bye"

"No Bri...."

Brian had hung up.

Kevin knew there was no point reasoning with Brian now. Brian was head
strong about these things, and wouldn't have listened anyhow.

"Nick! Let's go. Now! I'll explain later."

"Where are you two going?" asked Howie.

Nick shrugged.

"Can't talk now, will tell you later." said Kevin.

"What's up with you three lately, something I should know about?" said AJ
winking.

"Eeew gross!" said Nick.

Howie and AJ started laughing. Kevin knew AJ was just kdding around, but
Nick's reaction had hurt him. Then again, what was Nick supposed to say?
Nothing? Pushing Nick from his mind he knew he had to focus on Josh, for
Brian sake.

				*****

Brian knew Kevin's was right, but he had to do something. He felt so
helpless. He was in love with Josh, even if Josh didn't return those
feelings, Brian couldn't just abandon him. He'd rather have him as just a
friend then to not have him in his life at all.

Was Kevin even more right? Maybe Josh didn't want to see them. He would have
called them if he wanted to see them, but maybe he was shy. Josh hated
imposing himself on other people, never wanting to seem like he was taking
advantage of others. Brian smiled to himself, thinking about Josh made him
feel good. So lost in thought, Brian hadn't paid much attention to where he
was walking to. He wasn't wearing a cap, and felt rather exposed. He
shouldn't have told his body guard to stay in the parking lot, but then he
didn't expect to leave the hospital.

Brian was about to turn back when he noticed a man limping across the street
to a motel. It couldn't be, could it?

				*****

I'd been waiting for over 20 minutes for a bus. I'd spotted a motel a couple
of hundred yards down, but it looked kinda dodgy so I initially decided to
find another motel further into the city. But my leg was hurting more, and
there was no guarantee I'd find anything better or at unless I was willing
to walk alot - and that wasn't an option. So, since beggers can't be
choosers, I hobbled down to the 'Broken Arrow Inn',

"This just isn't my day," I said to myself.

				*****

Throwing caution to the wind, Brian dashed across the street to see if it
was Josh. He finally caught up with the man (which wasn't too difficult) and
grabbed his shoulder.

"Josh!" Brian screamed out.

The man turnaround, and said "Not Josh, but I could be if you wanted me to
be," the man winked.

He wasn't bad looking at all, reminded Brian of Matt Le Blanc.

"I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else," muttered Brian blushing from
the man's obvious advances.

"You look alot like..." the man continued.

"Brian from the Backstreet Boys. I know. I get that alot!" I replied. I'd
only hoped he'd buy my story.

"Actually, I was going to say Jack Nicholsen, but now that you mention
it..." he said laughing.

Brian couldn't believe this, he was hitting on him, and it felt good. He
needed to be loved so badly, and started to get confused.

"I don't suppose you could give me hand to that motel there could you?" he
asked.

There was a part of Brian that wanted to, but his heart told to keep on
looking for Josh. He was going to say no, but realised that the guy actually
did need help walking so decided to help him anyway. He slung his shoulder
of Brian to help his balance.

"I'm Mike by the way," the man said.

"Hi, I'm Br..Brett," said Brian cursing himself for almost giving himself
away.

Brian helped him to reception where the Mike requested a room.

"Brett, how about you help me to my room," said Brett then taking Brian's
hand.

Up till then, there was a part of Brian which was exited by Mike's advances,
but the moment the took Brian's hand, he knew it was wrong. The magic wasn't
there. With Josh, even the slightest touch made Brian tingle. He didn't just
want sex with Josh, it went deeper then that. Brian wanted to show Josh his
love for him, and feel that love being returned. He needed to find Josh.

"I've gotta go Mike, take care," said Brian then walking to the door.

				*****

I dumped my stuff in the room and was going to take a nap hoping that maybe
I'd sleep off the pain, but my stomach was telling him otherwise. I needed
food and needed it bad...no what I really needed was Brian. He'd make
everything better.

I needed to take my mind off the pain and Brian, so I went down to the
motel's restaurant. I got into the lift and pushed the button for the ground
floor. When the lift doors opened I had the biggest shock of my life. Brian
was standing at reception. At first I thought he'd come looking for me, but
then I saw him with another guy, and they were holding hands! I couldn't
believe my eyes. I didn't even want to think about what they were up
to...Brian in a sleasy motel with a guy, holding hands. I don't know what
happened, but my breathing started to get really erratic, and then suddenly
I couldn't breath. I started gasping for air. In panic I grabbed my throat
and dropped one of my crutches.

The noise it made caught Brian's attention and as he turned to look. His
eyes widened when he saw me. He was expressionless and looked stunned. Even
though I couldn't breath, I could still think, and the last person I wanted
to see was him now. I slammed on the close button to shut the lift doors.

I slummed down to the back of the lift, and started to slip out of
consciousness.

				******

Mike looked at Brian and said, "Are you alright? You look like you've just
seen a ghost."

Brian was silent.

"It was Josh, what's he doing here? No, it makes sense, he checked in here
so he didn't have to walk too far. He looked pale, maybe I did see a ghost.
He did look rather ghostly," thought Brian then chuckling.

"But if it was him, why did he didn't he come and say hi? Kevin was right,
he doesn't want to see us, or maybe it's just me, but.."

Brian started staring at the lift then notice something sticking out of the
lift. The doors hadn't shut properly! Which meant Josh was still in there.

"I don't care if you doesn't want to see me, but I going to get to the
bottom of this anyway!" thought Brian adamantally.

We walked over the lift and push the call button.

"Josh...we need to tal.....JOSH!!" screamed Brian.


to be continued...............

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What did you think? If you have any comments, email me. Don't hesitate!
josh_wills@excite.com