Date: Sat, 5 May 2001 00:22:57 EDT
From: Zelgadyss@hotmail.com
Subject: These Reminders of You

These Reminders of You
Chapter: 1
By: Jon


This is a new story for me... and a new subject. I must be asking for torture... but
whose, yours or mine? LOL... i have to laugh... i can barely update the 2 i have, i
am a greedy SOB aren't I? This is a story between Lance. and the other part is
only known to me, mwahahahaha. Sorry, but that's my secret right now. If you
are under 18, and get caught reading this. its official I told you not to. If your
in a state, country, village, etc where this stuff is illegal. sorry you're there, glad
I'm not. If there is some reason you shouldn't be here. then you shouldn't have
read this anyhow. you did. your going to continue anyhow, so mail me bout
it K?

P.S. I don't claim to know anyone of the afore mentioned people, I have no
affiliation with/to any persons mentioned.. (OK, maybe 1. but it aint the
famous ones, lol) in other words, I don't know N SYNC. So therefore I don't
know their sexuality, where they are, or if this ever happened. in other words,
this is all semi fiction. based on a real life situation I went thru with a guy
named Troy, who really DOES look a lot like Joey. any questions?


Part 1: Well, I guess this part will be bigger next time won't it? I want to thank
all the people who have supported my writing over the years, Yuli, mail me girl,
you have the address. in fact if your reading this, anyone feel free to mail me,
feedback is much appreciated. (Mail IPHOENIXPUMAI@AOL.COM, or
Zelgadyss@hotmail.com)


	The phone sat on its cradle. Yet the eyes still stared at it, even now. an
hour after the call had ended. Over and over, all he could hear was the voice.
the voice that lit up even the darkest hour. The voice that held his heart for so
long it hurt. The wetness traveled down his cheeks, as the saltiness invaded his
mouth, and dripped off the tip of his nose. He wanted to get up, he wanted to
scream, he wanted to break things so they would be like him. Broken. Like his
heart. Shattered into small pieces, where the pieces of the pieces were broken.
He wanted the world to hurt like he was right now. He wanted to. but he
couldn't do that. He couldn't move. His eyes were fixated still on the phone. The
feeling in his legs were gone. his strong powerful arms were weak and limp.
Dangling at his sides. The only part of him moving, were the tears that fell from
his eyes. Tho the call ended long ago, he was still glued to it. expecting it to
ring, and he would wake up at any moment to find out he was dreaming. Or to
get the call back, and hear April fools. it was April first. right? The call was
not coming, it was apparent now. His heart sank further at that thought. He just
watched all he loved in the world slip through his fingers, all in a second, all in a
single phone call.
	A knock sounded at the door. but he didn't answer. he couldn't. Even
his voice was betraying him now. The knock sounded again followed by a
bellowing "LANCE! Your late, it's time to go!" Then a giggle followed by a
whisper "How backwards is this, he's always kicking us into gear." He was
hearing what was being said. but the words were nothing more than a blended
noise in his head. All he heard in his mind was the dead air, just before the
phone was hung up on him. That sound of his last breathe, hoping that he
would be calling right back to make it all right. Again a knock, followed by a
turning of a doorknob. As the door opened JC walked in, joking with the other
guys. "Come on Scoop, up and at em'." He stopped where he stood in the
doorway. Blocking the way for the others. They tried to look past him, and saw
why he sat there stunned.
	The rock that was their friend, sat there, tears running down his cheeks
unchecked. The green that were his eyes, turned into a dark shade of gray. The
room seemed to descend into a darkness that could only be surmised by a
dismal, absolute blackness. Until he had seen his friends, Lance was able to keep
some control of his emotions, but upon seeing JC, he lost it. His shoulders started
to rise and fall quickly, His breathe quickened, and loud sobs befell him. Soon he
was in an all out bawl, and unable to control it. JC rushed over to him, and was
closely followed by Joey and the other guys. Joey started to rub comforting
circles in Lance's back, as JC tried to figure out what was going on. They all
followed what Lance was staring at when they first came into the room, and
looked to the phone, as it lay on it's cradle. "Come on Lance what happened?"
JC kept trying to get his friend to talk, but all that came out were horrid sobs,
that sounded like someone was dying. In essence that may not be so far off from
the truth. Lance felt himself dying on the inside from pain. He felt his energy
slipping out of his body as he sat there. Soon it was all he could do to sit up, and
even that soon became impossible as he fell back onto his bed. Letting his
consciousness slip, hoping still it was just a dream.
	Joey tossed his arms around Lance to catch him from falling off the bed,
and laid him back down. JC sent the guys all out to the photo shoot, telling them
to inform management that Lance wouldn't be there he was sick, and JC would
be down in a bit to get his solo shoot out of the way. Once they were gone, JC
just whispered to Lance in comforting, reassuring tones. "Scoop, what has he
done. what has he done. I guess now you'll have to tell the guys about him,
and yourself. I wish there was something I could do." JC wiped the tear that
befell his own face, and slipped out of Lance's room. He closed the door softly.
ever so softly, as if the noise from it closing would wake Lance up. He knew
Lance needed some rest, he would have plenty of time to wallow in what had
happened later, but the look on his face as he slipped off was too precious.

************************************************************************

Quite A few hours had passed, and the guys were back at the hotel again.
They were riding the elevator back up to their floor. They were all a little
worried about Lance. They'd forgone dinner so they could get back as soon as
possible to go and check on him. As they walked out of the elevator, they heard
a scream come from Lance's room. It was a tormented holler, and it was a single
word. "TROY!" This was enough to make JC and the guys bolt for Lance's
door. They were never more thankful than now that he kept his door unlocked,
as they busted into his room, instantly JC wrapped Lance up into his arms, and
started trying to comforting his friend, rocking him gently in his arms, making
soothing noises into Lance's ear. Lance's tears started back in full force, as he
stared at the phone again. He still couldn't believe what had happened. Things
seemed so great, things actually seemed perfect. At the start of the day, he was
on top of the world, now he was lying under the rubble of it. The only word that
the guys could make out of Lance's sobbing was the name Troy. They were all
confused, none of them knew a guy named Troy was in Lance's life. no one
except JC. The rest of the guys went to Lance's side, to show him some support,
and let him know they were there. And eventually they managed to calm down
his sobs, and tears. Everyone was dying seeing Lance hurt this badly. Justin was
the first of them to speak, and asked the question on all their minds. "Scoop
man, what's going on. whose Troy?" Lance's face resembled a deer caught in
the headlights of a large truck. JC shot Justin a look that could freeze Frosty the
Snow Man.
Lance's mind was reeling. He had only shared his secret with JC. He had
to tell someone before he burst from happiness. JC was there while he was on
the phone once, and realized what was happening, and kept asking Lance who
he was seeing till Lance finally broke down and told him. JC seemed genuinely
happy, and didn't care it was a guy, but Lance never knew how the others
would take the news. Now he had no choice left but to suck it up, and tell them
all. He could barely breathe. he couldn't stand, and now he had to tell them all
the deepest secret in his life. Knowing he was too weak to even run away or
defend himself if things got bad. what else could happen to him today. Lance
spoke. so softly. so shyly, as if the room was about to swallow him up, and
he was making his last request of the world. "Please take a se.seat guys.
this.this is going. going to be. be. be. be a long ni. nig. night." With
that the guys took seats in various places. JC still holding Lance, Joey and Justin
on the bed, Chris in a chair dragged close by. They all knew Lance didn't stutter,
so they knew it indeed was about to be a long night.
"First I want to say, that the past years have been heaven for me.
Knowing you all, has been both a joy, and a great privilege. Singing on the same
stage as you, has been an honor. I truly hope you take this well. but I don't
hold anything you say after I tell you this against you. Nor will I hold it against
you if you ask me to leave, and never look back." Lance paused for a moment to
collect his thoughts and a breath, and the guys all said something about not
going anywhere. yet anxious to hear the rest of what Lance had to say. "Troy.
well I have known for several years that I was. no I am. well I am gay." A
collective gasp came from the group, save JC. this halted Lance. he was sure
they were going to lose it. Instead, they all got up and hugged Lance, urging him
to continue. Eventually after a few more tears fell, he started to continue. "Troy
was the guy that I have been in love with for 4 and a half years now. About a
year ago, he and I became a couple. I loved him with all I had in me. As far as I
knew, he loved me back. Today I got a call, and. well. he. and then. so I.
and now." Lance was trying to get out a full sentence, but he couldn't do it. All
he could do was point to the phone, and the sobs started to wrack his body. He
clung to JC, and JC held him equally as tight. Soon a second set of arms
descended upon JC and Lance, followed by another set, and another set, and yet
a third set still. The guys were on big ball on Lance's bed. One big ball of
support. They knew they couldn't take his pain, any one of them would take it
from him if they could in that instant. All they could do was to be here for him,
and to be there for him in the days to come.
That night, the guys all camped out in Lance's room. They made a mini
sleep over/pajama party. JC grabbed the bed with Lance, Justin the spare bed
with Joey, and Chris grabbed the couch. They watched movies, and played truth
or dare. Most of all they talked. REALLY talked, like they used to do, back when
the group first came together. They were learning all about each other all over
again. They had become so distanced, even tho they saw each other by the day.
Each one had their own ventures. Chris had his company, as did Lance. Justin
was helping his mom with a few up and coming bands, and Joey had his own
side ventures too. They never realized while they were so close, how far apart
they had actually grown. Finally Joey looked over to JC. "Truth or Dare man?"
JC looked at Joey. this was not the guy to say dare to and expect to have a
normal hair color afterwards. "Truth" JC defiantly said, and Joey grinned. "Why
weren't you in the least bit shocked to hear the name Troy. or hear Lance say
he was gay?" JC looked to the floor. as did Lance. "I. I've known for about 8
months now. I swore I wouldn't tell. I heard Lance say `I Love You' as he was
getting off the phone with someone. It wasn't the `I Love You' you say to a
mother either. so I started to bug him about it, and finally he broke down and
told me. He was so afraid I was going to hate him, I couldn't bare to hurt him.
He was afraid you'd react badly as well. so I kept it to myself. I knew when the
time was right, he'd tell you guys. Unfortunately, he didn't get a lot of choices
right now." JC frowned, and gave a sympathetic look to Lance.
Lance just took out a picture of Troy. He looked a lot like Joey actually.
Very similar, a bit taller, but other than that, they could almost be twins. His
fingers thumbed the picture lovingly, and eventually, he passed the picture to
the guys so they could all see the man he had fallen for. "Joey.. ya know, this
guy could be you. if you had a normal hair color that is!" Chris said laughing.
Joey ran his fingers through his red hair and smiled "At least we know Lance
has good taste Chris. I mean he could have fallen for a guy that looked like
you, god forbid, then we'd KNOW he was wrong in the head." The guys all
`ohhh's' and `ahhhh's' at Chris. Chris just grabbed a pillow and hurled it at Joey
hitting him square in the nose. "Big words coming from the FAT one!" Chris
retorted. "That's PHAT one Chris. as in Pretty Hot and Tempting. What was
your name again. pineapple head?" Again a pillow flew across the room, this
time it was Lance coming to Chris's defense. "HEY!" Joey yelled "Whose side
you on anyway?" Lance smiled briefly. then frowned, and spoke morosely.
"My own." With that his shoulders sunk, and he closed his eyes. All he saw
were images passing through his mind. Places they had been, memories he
thought would never end. He brought out a small photo album, thumbing
through the pages, he started to look at pictures of he and Troy together over the
years. then there was a page with a ticket in it to a movie, marked with a heart.
This was the ticket stub to their first date. As the pages followed, plane ticket
stubs started showing up, and more romantic pictures. small things like rose
petals, and ribbons were in a few pages. The guys looked on into a part of
Lance's life they never knew. they didn't even know existed. As Lance turned
the pages, he's almost smile remembering the times, and JC would hold him a
little closer. Joey looked a few times, and couldn't help but realize how natural
the two of them looked together, they fit each other, perfectly. JC and Lance
that is.
As the night wore on, the guys started to discuss their lives again in
detail. Who was seeing who, how serious it was, and some of their better dates.
It was just what was needed. The guys all knew they were growing apart, and
this was what they needed to get back together. Lance felt good that something
positive came out of all this. Having the guys know who he really was relieved
him in so many ways. They had all excepted him, without question. He knew in
the weeks, and months to come, he would need them to lean on for support. He
knew he was still in shock over what was happening, and the logical side of his
brain told him he was going to be in some serious need of help coming up. The
guys were all fooling around, wrestling with each other. Save for JC and
Lance. JC stayed with Lance on the bed holding him. Soon the noises in the room
faded out, as Lance looked out the window. He got absorbed in the darkness.
The moon fixated his eyes. He couldn't remember the last time he had seen such
a beautiful moon, or a darker night. they accentuated each other so perfectly.
`They accentuate each other so perfectly' was exactly what Joey was thinking
too. but he had no eyes on the moon.
Lance withdrew a pen, and some paper from his bedside table. He started
to scribble something on the paper. He seemed to mentally going over it as he
was writing it. The guys could tell it was lyrics of some sort. but they respected
him enough to know he'd show them all when he was ready. He made notations
in different places where he felt there should be solo's of voice, and instrument.
It was kind of detailed for a basic sketch, but then again when Lance did
something like this, he went all out. Long after everyone went to bed, Lance was
still writing. He didn't know where the inspiration was coming from, but he let
the words fly from his mind to the paper, and from the paper to his voice. he
mentally tested how the verses sounded, and he could imagine the music as he
went along. Keeping the beat inside his mind, like a complex metronome. After
the song was done, there was more in his head, so he kept writing, letting
whatever  wanted to be down on that paper go onto it. Hours past like minutes
to him, and before he realized it, the sun was coming off the horizon. He got out
of the bed quietly, being careful not to wake anyone up. He walked out onto his
balcony and watched the sunrise in the distance. The reds and purples became
one. Orange invaded the red and soon the magenta's and fuchsia's became
prominent.
As the sun rose, Lance whispered to whatever god would listen. He held
his cross in his hands, questioning everything he ever believed when it came to
god. Especially the messages they had about gay men. He whispered ever so
softly. so soft, he wasn't sure the words were even spoken aloud. "To
whomever is watching, or listening to me up there. Whatever your name may
be, I beseech you. keep him safe, and keep him happy. Whatever it takes. Even
if he's not with me, I still love him with every fiber of my being, and would still
lay down my life to save his. Please keep him in your graces, and watch over
him. Keep him out of harms way, and on the path to happiness. This is my only
wish." After Lance was finished, a set of arms went around his waist, a warm
breathe was on his neck, and the warmth on his back was amazing. He could tell
by the scent alone it wasn't JC this time. And the embrace was somehow.
different. The arms held a bit tighter, and then Joey's voice softly filled Lance's
ears. "You going to be OK Scoop?" Lance nodded, and Joey tightened the
embrace. Lance needed the hug, more than he would ever care to admit. He was
glad he finally could be open with the guys, and have them be there with him.
He knew the time to tell his parents was coming quick, and he knew it would be
the most difficult thing in the world for him to do. Knowing he had some people
to fall back onto during the hard times was something he was going to
appreciate more and more in the future.
After a few lingering moments in Joey's arms, Lance turned around and
smiled. "And what was that for?" Lance asked. Joey just smiled back. "Because."
Lance just looked confused at the answer for a minute, then accepted it for what
it was. Joey. With Joey, a lot of things just didn't make sense. that was part of
the appeal he guessed. Never knowing what was going through Joey's mind
kept you on your toes. Sometimes he'd bring you flowers to cheer you up, or
jump on your back, and start bucking like a bronco. He never let you know what
was coming next, till he did it. But there was a sweetness to him, that went
beyond a normal person. In his eyes, you could see true passion when he was
singing. In fact, Lance started to notice a lot about Joey's eyes. They were deep.
a lot deeper than he remembered. Another thing no one really gave Joey credit
for was the depth of his soul and his feelings for people. Lance really hadn't
taken the time to appreciate it before now. He almost seemed lost inside Joey's
eyes for a minute. After that, Joey's eyes turned colors, and his hair lost its
redness. Lance started to see Troy inside of Joey. Lance jumped back, and away
from Joey with a start. He started to stare at Joey, but all he was seeing was Troy
looking at him, laughing at him, taunting him for his loneliness.
Lance fell to the cold concrete, and the tears started to flow from his eyes.
"No Troy. leave me be. Please just leave me be!" Lance begged. but the figure
got closer, and closer. The hair on the back of Lance's neck started to stand on
end, and this sudden urge to run away started to over take him. He started
nervously looking for a way out, for a way off that balcony. For a brief moment
he looked like he even considered jumping. Still he begged and pleaded with
`Troy' to leave him. Slowly the figure walked to him. a tear in the figure's eye
as well. The arms enveloped him, and a soft voice started to penetrate the
panicked Lance. He knew the voice. whose voice he couldn't tell. but it
seemed vaguely familiar. He started to realize it wasn't Troy he was seeing, it
was still Joey. a scared, confused Joey, but Joey all the same. Joey just held
Lance, whispering soft words into his ears. They stayed this way for what
seemed like days, but in actuality it was merely minutes. Soon they were headed
back inside, and Lance was phoning room service to order their breakfast. They
had the day off. but somehow, since they were all in his room, he figured
they'd wake up hungry. some things never changed. He looked to the other 3
sleeping forms, Picking Chris up, and putting him into the bed. He smiled.
Chris was the oldest of them all. and acted the youngest. He saw a certain
irony to the fact that he seemed to be on the handle of the important stuff. and
save Justin, he was the youngest.
Joey looked at Lance, idly wondering how he could help his friend. As far
as he knew, no one else in the group was gay. but looking at JC and Lance
yesterday seemed so. right. Almost like they were 2 pieces of the same puzzle.
They just fit together. He thought maybe. just maybe there was a chance JC
might be interested in Lance. and maybe Lance was interested in JC. It would
be a great solution, they would make each other very happy. Last night when
they were talking, JC didn't mention anyone in his life either. With that Joey
walked over to Lance one more time, hugged him again, and then went into the
bathroom to make himself human again. Lance hugged Joey back, and went
along getting changed and ready for the day that laid ahead of him. JC was the
first to stir, after Lance went to the door to get the food service cart. The coffee
slowly started to rouse them all. Lance had a cup for them all waiting. and a
bowl of cereal ready and waiting for Justin. He KNEW Justin was near
impossible before his cereal. Joey had already started sipping his cup as
everyone started coming too. The look on JC's face, when he saw Chris staring at
him, batting his eye lashes in bed was priceless. "Hiya handsome, come here
often?" JC fell of the bed while trying to get away from Chris. Chris smiled,
knowing Lance or Joey must have carried him onto the bed.
The morning was more of the same. yet somehow different all at once. It
was like most other mornings they ate together, but the bond, the closeness that
was somehow missing before was back. Each made the time to talk to the others,
and get to know what was going on, as opposed to the usual `hi how are ya,
what's on today's agenda' and leaving the room. Things seemed more genuine,
and more at peace. More like how it was in the beginning, when it wasn't about
fame, or money, or photo shoots. but about fun, and singing. As they were
talking, the guys kept seeing Lance's pad out on the table. It was obvious that
several pages were written on, and it was there, almost begging to be looked at.
Each of the guys had that nagging feeling, of wanting to see what was written on
it. Like the feeling you get when you find someone's diary, you know its wrong
to read it, but that makes you want to all the more.



 And that is the first chapter. like it, hate it, lemme know. I have some idea's
where this is going. hope yall like it. See ya soon. Jon.  PS, this is for my Troy
(literally, lol) if your reading this (.then I never knew you knew about Nifty)
I've loved you from the shadows, and been there any time you needed. I'll still
be there when you need me. I'll never know how you could do what you did to
me. or how you can deal with it. Eventually the pain will go away, and I know
that. No one could have offered you more than the love I held for you. but I
hope one day you'll find a love that can rival it. and match it in intensity. I still
think about you every day, and miss you. but it hurts a little less as the time
wears on. and eventually all that will remain will be the good memories we
had. and a distant memory of the pain you left. For me, These Reminders of
You, will be with me always.