Date: Thu, 1 Mar 2001 20:05:13 EST
From: SweetAngel472023@aol.com
Subject: 'The Walls Within'  Part 1/1

The Walls Within'
Part one of one

Disclaimer: I do not know the Backstreet Boys. This story is completely
fictional and not meant to imply anything about the sexual orientation or
personal beliefs of any one mentioned.
If you are underage or reading this kind of material is illegal where you
live, please leave.
This story deals with homosexual themes, if that offends you please leave.

This is a short story, meaning that there's only this one part. And it's not
exactly a romance/love story, but look into it anyway. It does have a couple
in it. Enjoy!
J
----------------------------
Journal Entry by Nick

~ Hi all
    Well, I guess it's official now. We are all screwed up. We have a shrink!
Woohoo! Ok, I'm going to try and be serious. I don't know how, or when, or
why it happened, but we grew apart. We were so close when we started as a
group. Always there for each other, always hanging out together and having so
much fun.
    But lately, we barely even talk to each other. It's not that we don't
care anymore, we're just so busy and wrapped in our own lifes that we forgot
about each other. I just wanna say this: I still care for you guys. And I am
willing to do anything to get this group of guys back to being a group of
friends.
    Maybe this journal thing is really a good idea. I'm thinking of reasons
why I love each one of you. Howie, obviously, because you are my boyfriend. I
just love you! I know things have been kind of awkward and different lately.
I mean, we still hang out and talk, but I can't even remember the last time
we had sex. Just remember that I am still in love with you, and I know that
you love me too. We can work this out, trust me.
    Brian, you are my best friend. Always were and always will be. We haven't
talked, really talked in a long time, but I still trust you.
    Kevin, big daddy. You were always our protector. The one we could always
go to with a problem, the one who always knows just what to say to make us
feel better. The only one who would always remember the schedule. You raised
me as much as my parents did and I will always be thankful for the things you
taught me.
    And then there's AJ. The 'crazy' one who's really not all that crazy. You
might be considered as a wild child, but deep down you are a great guy with a
big heart. I will always remember how you helped me out way back when I first
came to terms with my sexuality. It's always good having someone around who's
'been there, done that', even if you are only bi.
    There, that's quite a list. And I think I've written enough for now.
Lots a love, Nick

Journal Entry by AJ

~Yo!
    Kaos put it pretty good there. Always had a way with words, didn't ya?
The only one missing on that list is the poet himself.
    Nick, you 're still the 'baby' of the group and always will be. You kept
us on our toes and always cheered us up. But over the years you grew up and
sometimes I am surprised at how mature you've become.
    Nick said that he doesn't know how or why we grew apart. Well, I think I
must've been part of that. Don't deny it guys. You know that my being
blackmailed raised some serious trust issues. I shouldn't have danced with
that guy in the club and endangered all of our careers. I should've known
that he'd raise hell with the information. I mean, he did make lotsa money,
telling all those newspapers that there's a gay Backstreet Boy.
    I can't apologize enough for what I put you guys through. And I hope that
we can put that behind us and start over. I am sick of pretending that we are
best friends if we barely even hang out together anymore.
    Doc Seymore said that we should use this journal to write down positive
stuff about each other so we can rediscover why we became friends in the
first place. But I think that we should also put down some ciriticism. I
don't mean that we should diss each other. Heaven knows we already do enough
of that. No, we should write down constructive criticism, without attacking,
just stating what bugs us most about someone so we can fix it.
    I want to direct my criticism at you, Brian. You always say that we
should talk about stuff that bother us, yet you have completely cut yourself
off and won't say what's going through your head. We all know that there's
something wrong, so why won't you talk?
    Man, I think I'm doing pretty good at this whole 'putting my feelings on
paper' business. Aren't ya all proud of me?
    Love y'all, Bone

Journal Entry by Kevin

~ Hi
    My turn. I read over everything Nick and Alex said and I have to say they
made some pretty good points. And yes, Alex, you are good at the 'putting
your feelings on paper business'. Better than I expected anyway.
    You're right, that little episode with your 'friend' did put some strain
on all of us. We were already falling apart by then and the stress with the
media and fans didn't help any. But it's not all your fault. Each of us
played a part in this.
    And since we're bringing up criticism, I have to direct it at Nick and
Howie. I respect your relationship, I really do. But the way you went against
Management to get together wasn't very smart. Especially not since they let
it out on all of us, and mostly on me. I stuck up for you guys, but I was
really mad. I don't know why I never made my feelings clear to you, but now
I'm thinking that it might be part of the problem. Maybe I pulled away from
the both of you.
    I hope and pray that we can figure out what went wrong. We have to fix
this thing. Our friendship was a very special bond and I want more than
anything else to get that magic back. And if not for our sake, then for our
fans sakes. We can't let the Backstreet Boys die!
Love you, Kevin

Journal Entry by Brian

~ Hi Everyone
    How are y'all doing? There is a lot of emotion in this journal. I agree
with most of what's been said. And I think Kevin put it best when he said
that we can't let the Backstreet Boys die.
    AJ, I'm not mad at you for what you said. You are right. There is
something that is bothering me. And since we are all being honest now, and
since writing it down is so much easier than saying it face to face, I'm
gonna write it down for you guys in here.
    Nick, I am jealous. You have always been my best friend, but when you
discovered you sexuality you went to talk to AJ, not me. And then you got
together with Howie and spent more time with him than you ever spent with me.
In a way I want the old Nick back, the carefree teenager that I got to know
and love.
    I got mad at Howie for stealing Nick from me, and Kevin noticed. So he
got mad at me for not respecting you guys. I can see now that I behaved like
a child and I want to change my behavior. As soon as I am done writing this I
will go and talk to Nick.
    I know that we can never go back to what we were, but we can start over
and build a new friendship that will be even stronger. I just know that we
can do it.
Love and Hugs, Brian

Journal Entry by Howie

~He!
    Well, since I am the last to write in this journal, I had a lot of
reading to do. And wow, there were a bunch of revelations.
    Nick, I know that, as a couple, we should talk about these things, but I
was really relieved to read that you still love me. I love you too! I kind of
doubted it for a while because we've been slipping apart so much. Oh, and
about that whole no-sex thing…I have a surprise for you.
    Brian, I noticed that you seemed distant towards me after I got together
with Nick. I figured that something was up, but I never got around to talking
it over with you. I'm sorry if I made you feel that I am stealing Nick from
you. I never meant to hurt you. But you have a special place in Nick's heart,
a place that I can never take from you simply because I am his boyfriend, not
his best friend in the way that you are. I hope your talk with Nick went well
and he explained things to you.
    Kevin, I am sorry if you got in trouble with Management for us. And I'm
glad that you stuck up for us, I really appreciate it. I guess we were so
blinded by love that we didn't notice what we were doing to the people around
us.
    Now that everyone has had a turn writing, it's time to turn it in to Dr.
Seymore, and see what she has to say.
Love you, Howie

Entry by Dr. Seymore

~ Hello you guys!
     I must say I am impressed by what I have seen in this journal. Both from
what you have written here and by the individual phone-sessions, I think that
we have made quite a bit of progress.
    When I took on the job as your therapist (by the way, Nick, I resent the
term 'shrink') I thought that it would be impossible to counsel you without
ever actually seeing you. But it's working to my satisfaction and I am proud
of all of you.
    There is a lot more to your situation than what you let on in the
beginning, and quite honestly, with all that's been going on, it's a wonder
that you guys aren't at each other's throats by now. Reading this journal was
like reading the script of some soap opera. With each entry, another
situation surfaced where you guys became more distant.
    I am glad that it is working out so well, and I'm very optimistic
regarding the revival of your friendship. To point you guys into the right
direction, I have some advice for each of you.
    Nick, don't be afraid to express what you are feeling. Just go ahead and
say it!
    Alex, you need to be more open, be yourself. This might sound a little
odd, being directed at the wild child of the group, but I think you are
hiding behind that label to protect yourself. Let the real Alex show through
once in a while.
    Kevin, you spent so much time protecting everyone else that you totally
forget about yourself. The same goes for Brian. It's good to be considerate
of other people's feelings, but sometimes you gotta let off some steam to
preserve your own sanity.
    Howie, don't try so hard to please. You have a lot of people respecting
you, you can afford to stick to your own opinion rather than going along with
everyone else.
    Well, that's it. Let this diary go around once more and turn it back in.
    Good luck, Dr. Seymore

Journal Entry by Kevin

~Hi doc.
    According to majority rule, we are not going to have another round. We
got the journal back last week and I was the first one to read it. I read
through your piece of advice. What you said really hit home, and I'm
beginning to wonder if you're not psychic.
    That night I called in a group meeting, the first in almost a year. I
read you entry to the guys, and they were all pretty impressed. We talked
over everything you said, all the stuff we wrote, and then some. We were up
till 3am. I think we cleared out a lot of things that have been bothering us.
We decided that rather than keeping things bottled up, or even writing it
down in here, we're gonna go back to talking about it like we used to do.
    We will, however, keep up the individual sessions. We all agreed that you
are an amazing person and that without you, the Backstreet Boys might have
fallen apart. In the name of everyone, I want to thank you for everything you
did.
    Sincerely, Kevin

PS: There's more good news. After Howie and Nick successfully rekindled their
love (they are back to being all mushy and sickeningly sweet) they decided to
get married. We're all very happy for them, most of all Brian. He can't wait
to be Nick's best man. And Alex and I? We are fighting over who will get to
be bridesmaid.
--------------------------------------
Like it? It's a bit different, I know, but I had this idea in my head and I
just had to turn it into a story.
Comments and criticism are always appreciated, so don't hesitate to e-mail
me.
Take care,
j