Date: Wed, 10 May 2006 16:26:08 +0100 (BST)
From: Jezebel <eh_oh_po@yahoo.com>
Subject: Want 15

Title: Want.
Author: Jezebel the Temptress
Feedback: eh_oh_po@yahoo.com

Disclaimers: I do not know any of the celebrities mentioned herein, this
has no element of truth to it.  This is no reflection on their true
sexualities or personalities of Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Lance Bass or
any others mentioned.  If you are underage for your area or if it is
illegal for you to look at this why not go somewhere else.

***
Part 15
***

*Josh*

I don't want to describe the particulars of that first night between us.  I
know that Tim will probably tell you the details but it was my first night
with both Justin and Tim and I don't want to cheapen it with words.  I will
say that it was the night that I started to fall in love with Tim.  I
wanted him before that, I had always wanted him, but that night was the
night that I started to fall in love.  Tim was so brilliantly brave,
admitting to us that this was what he wanted and overcoming his fears of me
so we could all be together.

He was reluctant to let us stay, perhaps because he feared an awkward
morning after, and so I agreed we would not stay all night.  Justin argued
with me on that point after Tim fell asleep but I managed to persuade him
that it would not be a good idea if we weren't in our own rooms for wake up
calls and dragged him away.

Justin was hard again as we left, and I had the chance to have him to
myself.  There was nothing stopping me from taking Justin back to my own
room and letting him come again but it felt as if that would be a betrayal
to Tim.  I knew as soon as that thought crossed my mind that I was falling
for him, and that was the moment I realised that I was starting to care for
Tim as much as I did for Justin.  The thought should have scared me more
than it did.

I sent a horny Justin to his own room and retired alone to my hotel room to
think.

The bed seemed impossibly large as I crawled between the bleached sheets
and lay there staring at the mottled ceiling above.

It made no sense to me that I had gone from loathing Tim to loving him in a
matter of weeks but I couldn't deny what I was feeling.  This was more than
a passing lust, or a last ditch attempt to be with Justin.  If I had asked
him before that day to walk away then I think Tim would have done so if I
could persuade him that this was what Justin wanted and what would make
Justin happy.  I couldn't do that now because I wanted to make Tim as happy
as well.  I hoped that being together would make all of us happy.

***

*Justin*

The morning after Josh, Tim and I spent the night together for the first
time there was a large breakfast for everyone involved on the tour.  We
tried to have these at least once a month as it gave everyone a chance to
mix in a social environment.  Johnny said that it helped cultivate an open
system of operating but really it was just a chance for everyone to do
something besides working.

Nsync had a reserved table at the front of the conference suite they were
using for breakfast.  Lance smiled to Tim as he entered with us, waving him
over like an old friend, and Joey and Chris were oblivious.

Chris eyed Josh suspiciously as he took the seat next to mine instead of
the one reserved for him next to Joey.  The boys had tried to separate us
as much as they could, to act as a buffer, while we worked out our issues.
I knew that we would have to tell them about the newest developments in our
relationship but I didn't think that this was the time or the place for
that.

"Are you okay?" Joey asked as I sat down.  "Did you sleep alright last
night?"

"Yeah." I said, a small smile playing on my lips.  "It was a good night."

"Josh?" Joey asked, obviously turning his attentions to someone that would
give him a more insightful answer.

"I slept well too." Josh said.

There was a brief silence and then Lance spoke.

"I arranged that contract." He said to Tim as he pulled out some papers.
"I wouldn't normally do this here but we're busy all day and I thought you
might want to go over them while we're doing interviews."

"Thanks." Tim said, gaining the interest of his lovers as he slid them into
his pocket.

"What's that?" Chris asked.  "Non-disclosure papers?"

"Actually, it's a contract." Tim said after a look to Lance who had nodded
his agreement.  "Lance has agreed to represent me through FreeLance and I'm
hoping that we'll also be able to work together on a couple of scripts he
has for A Happy Place."

"That's good news." Josh said.

There was another brief silence and then Chris spoke again.

"Okay, no one else is going to mention it are they, so I have to ask, What
happened to the white elephant in the corner?"

I smiled as I realised Chris' metaphor had confused Tim who briefly looked
up.  When he realised what he had done he blushed.  Chris was obviously
referring to the disagreements between Josh and myself.

"Tim and I talked yesterday." Josh replied.  "And I've already spoken with
Justin.  I'm not saying that there aren't still going to be issues, but for
the mean time we've settled our differences and are going to work together
for the good of everyone on the tour."

Joey and Chris looked suspicious but let their concerns rest as we
continued to eat breakfast.

A few people approached us with compliments or questions about the tour or
recent press and a few approached Tim too, telling him how much they had
enjoyed his film and how excited they were to meet him.  No one questioned
why Tim was on tour with us and if they had any comments they were kept to
themselves.  I knew that as soon as people found out that Tim was working
with Lance it would explain his presence on the tour and was grateful to
Lance for offering his services.  I knew that his motives had not been
entirely altruistic because representing Tim Caldwell would gain money and
prestige for FreeLance but it was still something that was good of him.

For the first time since I saw Tim it was easy to believe that things were
going to work out.  All of the visible obstacles were replaced with a clear
path to what looked to be an interesting future.  I was actually looking
forward to the rest of the tour.

***

***

*Josh*

The week that followed our night together was hectic and Justin and I
rarely saw Tim unless it was to travel together.  Tim was still
uncomfortable with the thought of us all sharing a room together and
neither Justin or I wanted to rush him so we would meet up in the brief
moments that we did have and just spend time together.  We didn't have time
for long drawn out conversations about what we meant to each other or what
that night had meant and in a way that was probably a good thing because it
meant that none of us freaked out.

While Justin and I were busy with the monotonous motions of being on tour
Tim was working on some scripts, going over the piles that he had been sent
and, with Lance's help, working out what he wanted his next move to be.

When we hit New York with six weeks left on the tour we had two scheduled
days off in the city and Justin and I knew that this was our chance to
finally get some time with Tim.  Of course we hadn't considered Tim's plans
along with ours.

"I got us tickets to see 'The Woman in White' tonight." I told Tim and
Justin as I entered Tim's room.  The pair of them were lounging on the bed
watching television and Justin had his head resting on Tim's thigh.

"That's great, but I have plans." Tim replied not taking his eyes from the
screen.  His fingers carded slowly through Justin's hair as he spoke.

"What are you doing?" Justin asked, sitting up so that he could make eye
contact with Tim.  There was a sense of jealousy about Justin's words and I
felt guilty that I felt the same.  We had only a short time off and both
Justin and I had assumed that Tim would spend it with us.

"I'm having dinner with Carson Daly tonight." Tim replied.

"You can cancel on him, he won't mind." Justin said, clearly
misunderstanding why Carson had invited Tim out on a date.  I didn't think
that Justin was naive as he was acting, I just think that he underestimated
Carson Daly's appetite for celebrity cock.

"Justin, much as I want to spend time with you, I booked this days ago and
I don't want to let Carson down." Tim responded.  "Why don't you and Josh
go out and have some time together, we can always meet up afterwards, or
you can join Carson and I for drinks."

"How long have you known him anyway?" I asked.  I wondered if Tim knew what
he was letting himself in for.

"We've been exchanging e-mails for a while." Tim said.  "He contacted me
via Adam just after Justin came to see me.  He was feeling guilty that he
had given out Adam's address and wanted to make sure that there were no
hard feelings."

"And that was the only reason?" I asked.

"He's not fishing for information on my relationship with Justin, if that
is what you mean." Tim answered.  "Carson has a couple of friends over at
MTV and he offered me a guest presenting spot on TRL."

"In exchange for what?" I asked.

Tim laughed.

"Carson Daly?" Tim said between laughing.  "You think that I would sleep
with him?  For a guest spot on his show?"

"You wouldn't be the first person." I added dryly.

"Well, I'm not that desperate." Tim replied.  "We're just friends."

"Then you can cancel on him." Justin challenged, as much as I knew that Tim
hated to be questioned I liked Justin's reasoning.  If there was really
nothing going on with Tim and Carson then he would want to spend time with
us.

Tim slid from the bed and moved towards the door.

"Tim?" Justin asked.

"I'm getting out of here before I say something I regret." Tim said as he
headed out of the door, pushing past me to get to it.

I heard the door click shut and then Justin looked at me.

"So, you want to go see a play tonight?" I asked Justin.  His brow furrowed
and I realised that neither of us wanted to go anywhere now except after
Tim.

I wasn't sure why Tim had reacted that way but I wanted to find out so I
went after him, stopping to knock on Lance's door as soon as I was outside.
I wasn't sure what it was but Tim felt safe and often went to Lance for
advice.  I was glad he had a friend he could turn to.

"He's not here." Lance said as he answered the door.

I looked over his shoulder and knew that Lance was not alone.

"I can see him." I responded dryly.

"Well, he doesn't want to speak to you right now." Lance replied.

"Tim, I..."

"Give him a couple of hours." Lance said, pushing against my chest so he
could shut the door.

I stood alone in the corridor after my bandmate locked me out and wondered
what I had done wrong.  I replayed the conversation in my head and couldn't
work out what I had done.

***

*Tim*

James shut Josh out and then returned to me, sitting on the couch opposite
me and picking up his drink.  He took a couple of sips and then asked his
question.

"This isn't just about work is it?" He asked, knowing that my questions
about contracts could have waited.

I shrugged.

"You want to talk about it?"

I knew that I could say no but truthfully the anger was burning in me and I
knew that if I didn't let it out then it would only further poison my
soured relationship with Josh.

"Josh expected me to cancel my dinner plans tonight because he got tickets
to a play.  He didn't even ask if I wanted to go out, or if I was doing
anything.  He just assumed that Justin and I would do what he wanted."

"Did you tell him before that you were going out?" Lance asked.

"No." I responded.  "But he and Justin both pushed for me to change my
plans for them."

"And you feel that you've changed your plans enough for them?" Lance asked.
"That you've put your life on hold to be on tour with Justin?"

"No." I said.  There was a brief silence.  "Well, yes, but it's more than
that."

"What is it?" Lance asked.

"Josh accused me of whoring myself to further my career." I replied softly.
I didn't like to admit it because the words tasted bitter in my mouth.  I
should never have trusted Josh after what had happened in the past but I
thought we were getting past that.  Then he accused me of selling out and
the whole thing came back to the forefront of my mind.

"Who are you meeting?" Lance asked.  It was a valid question.

"Carson."

"Carson Daly?" Lance asked, his voice a little higher than usual.  "You're
going out to dinner with him and you don't expect them to be a little
suspicious."

"What is it about everyone that they think he's so incredible?" I had to
ask, not sure why Lance would have the same reaction to Josh.  Carson
wasn't a sex god, he didn't control a large corporation or have any real
say in my career.  We were friends and that was it.

"Carson has a bit of a reputation." Lance said, trying to remain tactful.
"He tends to promise people things to woo them into his bed and then not
deliver.  You wouldn't be the first young star that he's taken out to
dinner and promised more coverage on MTV or a guest spot on TRL."

I frowned and knew that Lance had seen it.

"Just because it happened to someone else..."

"He's very persuasive." Lance said, his voice softer now, more vulnerable.
"You don't know you're falling for the trap until..."

"You?" I asked, as I realised just why Lance sounded so faint.

"And Josh." Lance replied.  "He tried the same trick on us both and that
was when we realised that we were being duped.  Thankfully neither of us
took him up on his offer."

"I still think I should go to dinner with him." I answered truthfully.  "I
know he has hurt you in the past but that doesn't mean he hasn't changed."

"Okay." Lance said.  "Make up your own mind, but don't let him fool you."

"I guess I should talk to Justin." I said, not wanting to think about Josh
at the moment.

"I'll speak with Josh first." Lance replied.  "Justin doesn't know about
Carson, we try to keep things professional, but Josh will probably want to
tell him now and tell him in his own way."

"Can I stay here?" I asked, not wanting to face them yet and knowing that
the two men that were in my life were currently in my hotel room too.

"Sure." Lance said coolly as he left me alone.

I thought over what he had said, what Josh had said and what Justin had
said and tried to balance it against what I knew.  Carson was a decent guy
and even if the others had bad experiences of him I thought I owed him at
least a chance.

***

James was off talking to Josh and while he was gone I had a chance to do
some thinking.  I wasn't sure what Josh had meant by his words but I knew
now he hadn't meant I was willing to sleep with Carson just for my career.
Josh obviously thought that I needed protecting and in a way it was sweet,
although he had gone about it in the wrong way.  I trusted James' judgement
and was beginning to respect Josh and wondered if I ought to trust them
when they said not to go out with Carson.

I knew that it wouldn't be fair to cancel on him but would it be fair to
leave my lovers at home while I was out with another man.

I made the decision and headed back to my hotel room, hoping to pick up my
phone, what I heard was an argument that I was not supposed to witness.

"I don't care who he thinks he is..." Chris shouted.  "Justin just came to
my room in tears and I don't want to have that kind of person on tour with
us."

"It's okay." James said, trying to calm down his bandmate.  "This isn't his
fault."

"They were just in his room together and now Justin is bawling again."
Chris said.  "I haven't seen him like this in months and I don't want to
see it happen again."

I knew that I couldn't let them carry on.  I was not about to let Nsync
split up over me.

"Chris, I'm sorry that Justin is upset..." I said as I turned the corner
and headed towards my room.

Chris looked up, confusion marring his face.

"It's not your fault." Chris said.  "It's Josh."

"No." I replied.  "I..."

"Josh and Justin have a lot of problems to sort out." James replied.  "But
I don't think that kicking Josh off the tour is going to help."

"What?" I asked incredulously.  "I thought you meant..."

"You?" James asked.  He shook his head slowly as if he had expected that
answer from me.  "You're not causing any problems."

"I need to talk to Justin." I said as I headed further down the corridor,
pausing only when I realised that I didn't know where Chris' room was.

"He's in my room." Chris said, although I already knew that from
overhearing their conversation.  "209."

"Thanks." I replied.  I took a few more steps and then stopped again.
"Where's Josh?" I asked.

"He's still in your room." James said.

I looked at James, begging him to intervene.  I knew that he had not wanted
to get involved between the three of us but I had started this wheel in
motion and did not want Josh to have the chance to leave before I stopped
what I had started.

"I'll stay with him." James said after a while.

"Thanks." I said.  "I'll come as soon as I've spoken with Justin."

Chris' frown deepened but James and I left without speaking further.
Explanations could be given in the morning but for now I had to deal with
the immediate crisis.

***

*Justin*

Maybe I relied on Josh too much in the first years of the group.  I always
thought that he would look after me the way that he had when we were on MMC
but even after the crap he had pulled with Tim I had thought that he would
look after me.  But when he came to tell me about why he didn't want Tim
going out with Carson I realised that in protecting me he had also kept
secrets from me that I should have been told.

"Justin, you don't know Carson like I do." Josh said as he tried to explain
it to me.  "If Tim goes out with him then we might lose Tim completely."

"Tim wouldn't be unfaithful." I said, trusting Tim with my heart had been
easy and I was not about to let Josh get me to doubt his love for me.  I
knew just how much Tim loved me and how he was willing to share that love
with Josh despite everything that Josh had done to us in the past.

"No, but Carson might force him into a situation that Tim can't get out
of."  Josh replied.  "He's done it before to other people.  People that are
less vulnerable than Tim."

"I know that, but you can hardly compare what happened to Wade with..."

"What?" Josh asked, interrupting me as I spoke.  His tone was shrill as if
I had surprised him.

"Carson tried to talk Wade into sleeping with him." Justin said.  "I
thought you knew that."

"No." Josh said, sinking down to sit on the bed with me as he lost his
bluster.  "I didn't know that."

"You mean there was someone else?" I asked.

"I have first hand experience of it." Josh replied.

"You?" I asked, not sure that I was hearing things correctly.  "He did it
to you and you never said anything?"

"Lance and I agreed that it was best if the rest of you didn't know.  We
tried to keep things professional with Carson for the good of the group."

"Lance knew?" I asked.  "You told him but you didn't tell me.  Josh, I'm
supposed to be your best friend."

"I didn't tell Lance." Josh replied quietly.  "He saw it happen.  It
happened to him too."

"You both lied to us."  I was angry because if they had told us then I
could have warned Wade.  He wouldn't have pushed me away when I came out
because his first experience with gay men would not have been Carson Daly
seducing him into his bed in exchange for putting in a good word on his
behalf with the MTV staff.  Wade had made it to the channel on his own,
getting his own show there, despite Carson's interferences but my
friendship with Wade would never have been the same.

"Justin, you have to understand, we did this to protect you."

"I can't believe you didn't tell me.  That you let me think that Carson was
a friend and that even now, when Tim told us about his dinner date with
Carson, that you didn't say something."

"I wanted to." Josh replied.

"Well, it's a little late for that." I said and ran for the door before he
could see my tears.  I had cried enough for Josh and I was not about to do
it again.

I wanted to go to Tim.  I wanted to tell him that I was sorry and explain
to him why he couldn't see Carson but I knew that because of Josh that he
didn't want to see either of us right now.  I couldn't speak to Lance
either because his betrayal was as deep as Josh's and so I went to the one
friend that I had left.

When Chris opened the door with a surprised smile I felt guilty that I had
ignored him in favour of my boyfriends but he greeted me with the same
openness that Chris greets everyone and pulled me into a hug that told me
he would make it all better. Josh used to hug me that way too but the way
things were I wasn't sure that I would ever want to hug him again, let
alone feel that safety with him.

***

*Tim*

I knocked again on Chris' door as I waited for Justin to answer.  I had
tried once before but he was ignoring me.

"Justin, it's Tim." I said softly as I knocked once more.  "I know that you
don't want to speak to anyone right now, but I need to talk to you.
Please?"

There was a click as I heard the door unlatching and then Justin's face
peered around the door.  The puffiness around his eyes told me that he had
been crying and I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and keep him safe from
the world but knew that as I had been part of the reason for the tears I no
longer had that right.

"Tim?" He asked, as if he was not sure if it was really me.  "I thought
that you were going out."

I wanted to laugh because I couldn't imagine how, after all of this, Justin
would still think that I would go out with Carson and leave him to face
this alone.

"James told me." I said, forestalling any further questions about why I was
still here.

Justin nodded, opening the door and holding out his hand as an invitation
to join him.

"So, I guess that you know about Josh's deceit then." Justin prompted.

"Justin..."

"He lied to me, to all of us, for years about what Carson did." Justin
said.  "Did he tell you that because of him keeping quiet that Carson
carried on doing it?"

"Justin, Josh had his reasons." I answered.  "And so did James."  I added,
reminding him that Josh was not the only one that had kept the secret.  I
knew that Justin was reacting emotionally and that he was not seeing the
bigger picture.

"They weren't good enough."

"You've been lucky, Justin." I said.  Justin frowned.  I knew that he
didn't take his career for granted but that was not the only way that he
had been lucky.  "I've been in similar positions to Josh and James.  You
don't think that you have a right to say no and even if you do then you
know that no one is going to believe you."

"Which makes what Josh did to you even worse." Justin reasoned.

I hadn't been talking about Josh's reaction to my first being with Justin,
or the angst afterward, although I could see why Justin would draw a
parallel.

"I wasn't talking about that." I responded.  "But I did meet a lot of
people when I was working at the club in LA that thought that because they
had a position of power that they could abuse it, that they could abuse me,
and get away with it."

"That's different." Justin responded.  "You had no choice."

"And at the start of your career neither did Josh and James.  They weren't
anyone yet but Carson, he had made it.  One word from him and you might
never have made it onto TRL, let alone had the most singles retired from
the rundown because they had been at number one for so long."

"It still doesn't excuse what he did."

"No." I argued.  "But it does explain it.  Josh isn't looking for your
forgiveness, Justin, he's looking for your understanding."

"I'm just not sure I can understand it." Justin replied.

"Then ask him to explain it, or at least trust me when I say that it wasn't
easy for Josh to tell you this today and that he thought he was protecting
you by not telling you before."

"You think I overreacted?" Justin asked.

"No." I said.  "I think that perhaps all of us could have handled this
better."  I knew that for my part I shouldn't have run out on Josh and
Justin and that I should have stayed to at least hear what they had to say.

"Is Josh okay?" Justin asked me after a period of silence where we were
both reflecting on how we could have handled this differently.

"James is with him."

"Oh." Justin replied.  "Should we go to him?"

"I'm going to talk to him."

"I might stay here, at least for a bit." Justin said.  "There are a few
things that I want to think about a bit more before I say anything to him."

"That's okay." I said.  "I think that Josh and I need to talk as well."

"Okay." Justin said.

I stood to leave, turning to him when he didn't immediately get up to show
me to the door.

"Are we okay?" I asked, knowing that the question was getting to be
tiresome for all of us but similarly knowing that we still had a long way
to go if we were going to make this complicated relationship work.

"Yeah." Justin replied.

"And you and Josh?"

"I don't know."

I nodded, at least he was honest.

I headed out, leaving Justin to do his thinking, and went back to my room.
I wanted to offer Josh some words of hope that things would be okay, but if
I was as honest as Justin had been I wasn't sure that I had any words to
offer.

***

***

*Josh*

When I heard the initial knock on the door my first hopes were that Justin
had understood what I said, had decided to forgive me, and had returned to
listen to the rest of my story.  These hopes were dashed when I saw Lance
standing on the other side of the door.

I remembered a time not so long ago when he had come to me and asked if I
was okay with Tim and Justin being together, when he had slept at my side
so that neither of us had to be alone and I realised that he was here for
the same thing.  He wanted to know that I would not do anything stupid now
that I was alone.

"Tim asked me to come and stay with you." Lance said, showing me that he
didn't want to be there.  "He's talking to Justin now."

"I told Justin." I told him, feeling that I owed him some explanation.
"About Carson."

"I know." Lance replied.  "I spoke with Tim."

"What did he say?"

"He seemed to take it well." Lance replied.  "At least better than Justin
did."

"Did you know that he did it to Wade too?" I asked, the guilt of that still
at the surface.  Intellectually I knew why James and I had agreed to keep
Carson's dirty secret but I had not thought that in doing so we would hurt
someone else, especially not someone that we claimed as a friend.

"I suspected." Lance replied.

That surprised me.

"Is there anything that you don't know?" I asked him bitterly.

"I'm not sure why you're sitting there thinking that Justin and Tim aren't
going to come back to you." He answered, reading the thoughts that had been
crossing my mind.

"Why not?" I asked.  "They were doing fine before I entered the equation.
They'll be fine without me."

"If you think that is true then you're a bigger fool than Chris said you
were."  James replied.  "You know that he's talking about kicking you off
the tour?"

"Maybe it would be better for everyone if I left." I replied.  I wasn't
sure if I meant it but it sounded like a good idea.  I felt as if all I had
done since LA was mess things up for everyone.  I had nearly ruined
Justin's chance at happiness and had caused stress for everyone on the tour
with my arguments with Justin.  If Justin didn't forgive me then there was
no way that we would be able to continue the tour, maybe not even continue
as Nsync while I was still a member.

"That is *not* an option." Lance replied.

I wanted to argue with him, to tell him that he was wrong and that it would
be better for everyone if I just left but the knock on the door interrupted
that thought.

Lance got up to answer the door and I was astounded to see Tim there.
Lance was right, I hadn't thought that either he or Justin would be back.
It took me a moment to realise that this was his room and that he had
probably just come back to get his things.

"Hi." Tim said softly as he came towards me.

I waited for him to start shouting, for him to accuse me as Justin had done
or to blame me for how badly things had gone.  I didn't expect him to sit
next to me and take my hand.

"I'm sorry." I said, feeling the need to make this easier for him.  I had
made so much of Tim's recent life hard, the least I could do was make
breaking up with me easier for him.  I wasn't really sure if we could call
it breaking up because there was no formal dating between us.

"It's okay." He responded.

"I'm going to go." Lance interjected, pulling both of us from our
conversation.

Tim nodded but did not speak as Lance left and shut the door behind him.  I
wondered if Lance's presence was what had stopped Tim's ire but again it
did not come.

"I've spoken to Justin, he's still a bit upset about this but I think he
understands now." Tim said.  "I'm sorry that I didn't trust your judgement
about Carson and I'm sorry that I didn't stay and let you explain why you
were saying what you did.  I understand why you did it."

"Do you?" I asked.  "I'm not sure I do."

"You were trying to protect me and trying to protect Justin."  Tim said.

"I didn't do a very good job of that, did I?"

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Josh."

"No." I replied.  "I hurt you because I was trying to protect Justin and
then I hurt both of you because I wanted to protect you from Carson.  Maybe
the person that you need protecting from is me."

"No." Tim said adamantly.

"All I do is hurt you." I said, looking at him and seeing that even as I
spoke the words I was only causing more pain.  "I don't want to hurt you
anymore."

"Then you have to let this go." He replied, coming closer to me and kissing
me softly.  "You have to let it all go.  What happened with Carson and what
happened in LA.  We'll never move past it if you're still feeing guilty
about that."

I turned away, not wanting to feel his gentle caresses because I knew that
I did not deserve them.

"Don't turn away from me." Tim said.  "I love you."

I gasped softly at the revelation.  I thought that I had misheard the words
for a moment until Tim kissed me again and I felt them in his touch.

"We should...Justin..." I said, my breath coming in short bursts as I tried
to fight being overwhelmed with emotions.  Tim loved me but I didn't
deserve that love and I knew that sooner or later Tim would realise that
too.

"Justin needs some time to think." Tim said.  "I wanted to come and see
you, to talk to you and make sure that things are going to be okay."

"I don't know." I replied.  "Chris wants me off the tour, and I think he
might be right about the tensions."

"There wouldn't be a tour without you." Tim pointed out.  "Justin will come
around and once we've sorted out this crisis I'm sure that we can work out
any other issues that Chris might have."

"I guess we're not going to the theatre tonight." I said lamely because I
didn't have anything else to say.

Tim laughed.

"I guess not."

"You want to get some room service?" I asked.

Tim smiled and reached for the menu.

We both ordered and then sat in silence again.

The knock on the door twenty minutes later was a break in our otherwise
comfortable silence but my stomach told me I needed to answer it if we were
going to eat.  I stood and opened the door only to find that the twenty
dollar bill I had in my hand for a tip was redundant.

"Can I come in?" Justin asked as he looked behind me and towards Tim.  "We
need to talk."

"Sure." I said as I allowed him in, not sure whether he wanted to talk to
me or Tim or both of us.

"I'm sorry for walking out on you earlier." Justin said to no one in
particular.  "But I still think you did the wrong thing."

"We all make mistakes." Tim said as he looked towards Justin.  "I know I've
made a few."

"I hope that you don't think being here is one of them." Justin responded.
"I keep thinking that your life would be much simpler without us in it."

"Can you forgive me?" I asked, knowing that Justin was still angry but
needing to know where I stood.  Tim was right, if Justin couldn't get past
this then there was a good chance that we wouldn't continue with the tour.

"Forgive you? Yes.  But I can't forget what you did so easily." Justin
replied.  "But Tim has explained it to me and while I disagree with what
you did I can see why you did it."

"So we're okay?" I asked.

"I guess so."

Tim let out a soft sigh and lay back on the bed.

"Tim?" Justin asked, sounding worried.

"I just wonder if we'll ever get past all of this and be able to function
like normal people."

"There is nothing normal about us, or the situation that we're in." Justin
replied.

"I know, and I wouldn't trade what we are building here for anything, but
sometimes I wish we could be normal."  Tim replied.

I couldn't help but agree.

***

TBC