Date: Tue, 28 Jun 2005 14:18:42 +0100 (BST)
From: Jezebel <eh_oh_po@yahoo.com>
Subject: Want 9

Want Part 9
Author: Jezebel the Temptress
Feedback: eh_oh_po@yahoo.com

Disclaimers: I do not know any of the celebrities mentioned herein, this
has no element of truth to it.  If you are underage for your area or if it
is illegal for you to look at this why not go somewhere else.

***

*Josh*

I didn't even know that he had gone until it was already too late.  I wonder now
if I would have stopped him, or told him not to go, not that it would have done
any good.  Justin is as stubborn as a mule and I knew that I would not have
been able to talk him out of chasing some guy half way around the country, I
knew within my heart that part of Justin's charm was that he would chase you
halfway around the world if he thought it would help.

All I could do while he was away was wait.  It got difficult.  I didn't know what
to expect when Justin returned, if he had not found Tim then I would most
likely be treated to the silent treatment again, but I didn't think I wanted to
know what it would be like if Justin had found him.

In the end it ended up being my worst nightmare.

Justin was ready to meet us, at the airport as we had arranged.  He was there
in the VIP section as we got in, a broad smile on his face and a piece of paper
clutched in his hands as if it held all of the answers to the meaning of life.
This was not a good sign.  I could tell just from that look that he was happy,
and I knew in my subconscious that somehow his happiness was linked to
Tim, he must have found him.

"Justin." Chris called as he went to him.  "We missed you so much, please,
never leave us again."  He was pouting and everyone laughed.

Chris was always joking around with that kind of thing, showing off and
wanting to make everyone laugh.  Usually it was an admirable quality, but I
wanted to wipe that smug grin off his face, I didn't want anyone to ridicule
what I was actually feeling.  I was sad.  I did miss Justin.  Not only while he
was away, but even then I missed him, or at least missed the Justin that I had
known.  This new Justin, the one that had fallen in love with Tim was not the
Justin that I knew, and part of me knew that he never would be again.  I didn't
ever want Justin to leave me, and now he had, he had grown up and I knew
that he was with someone else.  Sure, he was still in the band with me, but it
wasn't my band, it was Chris' and Justin wasn't just mine anymore, not only
did I have to share him with the band, and with the fans but now I had to
share him with                            Tim too.

"I won't leave again." Justin said and I knew the words were true.

This wasn't my Justin anymore.  I would miss him.

***

The tour continued.  That was the story of our life as Nsync, one long tour with
brief breaks for recording or rehearsals.  If it weren't for the week at Christmas
and the few days we got off during the year it would have been one long tour.
The time after Justin came back from New York was no exception.

We moved from city to city, the colours on the bedspreads in each city about
the only thing that changed and even they tended to only alternate between
pink, beige and grey.  Sometimes when you're on tour weeks will pass before
you really realise that your life is slipping away.  Our life was a little easier
now that Justin had Tim back in his life.  He was at least speaking to me
again, the same civil tone as before but sometimes we would talk about things
that were not work related, like the weather or the sports.  It was a start at
least.

Six weeks went by without me really noticing it.

We were well into Spring now, I remember a teacher at Sunday School telling
me once that Spring was a time for new beginnings.  I wonder now if that
were true.

We moved into the final leg of the tour, eight more weeks and then we would
be home.  Of course that was home in Florida and not in our real homes, I
couldn't remember the last time that I had been home to Maryland to see my
Mom and Dad.  But of course we were to be in Orlando because that is where
all boy bands must live.  To anyone under 16 years of age Florida is better
known as the "Boy band state" than the "Sunshine state."  We were not there
for a holiday either, we would be into the studio to get some work done and to
discuss the European leg of the tour.

That was later though, for now we were still out on tour with eight weeks left.
Eight weeks that would change my life and that of the band and would be a
new beginning just as there should be in Springtime.

Eight weeks with one difference than the rest of the tour.

Tim came with us.

***

*Tim*

I wonder sometimes if that was how it should have ended, just like Ingrid
Bergman and Humphrey Bogart, with Justin getting on his plane to fly away
and me staying where I was.  Except I wasn't in Casablanca, I was in New
York, and I wasn't there to help the resistance I was there to promote a film.
Come the next day I too would be boarding a plane and I would not be coming
back to New York for some time, maybe ever.

I had told Justin that he could get a copy of our schedule, and I knew that
after coming to find me he was likely to call but it was still a surprise to hear
from him.  I guess there was a part of me that was telling myself that Justin
didn't want me, that I didn't deserve him and that I certainly didn't deserve to
be loved.  Even with the slight modicum of success that I had there was a lot
left that I still had left to achieve and I was not on par with Justin.  He
deserved better, but while he was still fooling himself that we should be
together I would enjoy the attention.  After all, I didn't know when it would be
gone.

So for the next six weeks, while Adam and I took our whirlwind tour of all of
the places that I had only ever dreamed about visiting, I continued to be
surprised when Justin called each day, sometimes twice a day, and waited for
the other shoe to drop.

We spoke at length on various topics, him telling me about the tour, giving me
advice on interview techniques and how to talk a lot but never really say
anything.  Sometimes I would wonder if he practised that last one on me, after
all over the hours of conversation that we must have racked up we never
really seemed to talk on anything of consequence.  We had been dating for
nearly two months without actually mentioning the fact that we were dating,
we were both exclusive, preferring to jerk off while on the phone than go out
and get the freely available sex that was on offer to any celebrity.  Neither of
us dared talk about a commitment though and even mentioning terms like
"Boyfriend" or "Lover" was too dangerous because we both feared losing the
other.

By the time the film tour was over and I was ready to fly back to the states I
wasn't even sure if Justin and I were much more than friends with benefits.  Of
course looking back on it I know that this was just insecurity speaking, we had
made some level of commitment back at Adam's place, but we had never
gotten anything concrete.

It wasn't really until it came time for me to get on the plane to America that I
thought about what I was going to do next.

"Camille wants to book the tickets." Adam told me that night as we ate Thai
from some small restaurant in London.

It was supposed to be exclusive but a lot of small time celebrities were in
there begging Adam for parts, in the end we had switched the order to go and
were now in his hotel room.

"And?" I asked as I slurped down something with noodles.

"Where do you want to go?" He asked.  "I've got to go back to New York to
meet with the publishers, they want a sequel to the book, I don't think that
they quite understand that you can't write a sequel to a book where the lead
character dies."

"So this is the end of the road?" I asked.

It felt like the end of something more, because Adam had pulled me out of my
life, given me the world on a platter and then left me.  I felt bereft, I knew that I
couldn't go back to my old life but I didn't really have a new one to go to.  The
question of what I was going to do when this was over had not really occurred
to me until that minute.

"Well, you can come to New York if you want.  But it'll just be a whole bunch
of meetings." Adam said.  "Besides, you need to go out there and get an
agent, find other film work while this one is still in people's minds."

I knew that it was a brush off, his way of pushing his young protégé out into
the world, but I was not really ready for the stabilisers to be taken off.  Adam
and his wealth had given me a safety net for if this had not worked out, but he
was taking that away and now I was all on my own.  Except I wasn't, not
really.  I realised that when I thought about it for a moment.  There was one
place that I had left to go, or rather one person to go to.

"Can you get Camille to find out about a flight into Chicago for Tuesday?" I
asked

That was the only destination that I could remember from the long tour
schedule that Justin had given me.  He had been moaning that night that he
hated the colder cities, even my pointing out that it was Spring and so better
there now than Winter didn't seem to help.

"Sure.  You thinking of crossing the border and hiding out in Canada until this
whole film thing dies down?" He joked.

"No, I'm going to see Justin."

Adam didn't say anything, I knew that he wasn't really happy about me being
with Justin, although I still didn't know why.  Still, he was leaving me alone and
I was going off to face the world alone.  It was my life and that life had only
one real thing in it now and that was Justin.  Why should Adam care if I went
to see him?

"Can you get her to get me a ticket?" I asked after a moment.

"Sure." He replied.  "I'll even have her get you into their hotel.  You might want
a room of your own."

I wasn't exactly sure what he was implying, maybe Adam thought that Justin
wouldn't want me there or something, but I was pretty sure that he would be
wrong.  Justin wouldn't do that to me.  Somehow, even in my own insecure
mind I knew that for certain, I guess that is part of loving someone.

***

I laugh at it now, knowing what I know, but back then it surprised me how
ordinary their hotel was.  I had expected a five star resort, not a two level
roadside motel.  Of course I know now that it is easier to secure the hotel
when you book out all of the rooms, and that you can close the hotel to all but
the people you want in it that way, but then I didn't know that.  I wonder how
Adam even got me a room there but I guess he had some connections that
got me into the small lodge where Nsync were staying.

I had no trouble with the receptionist, she must have been warned by the
manager that I was coming because she got me a key and settled me in, my
first difficulties were with two security guards that seemed to think that I was
there to make trouble.  I wasn't one for a confrontation, I was a bit of a pacifist
and definitely did not think that violence solved anything but I think that they
were of a different belief system.

"You can't go in there." One of the two beefy guys said to me as I tried to
enter the courtyard that led to my room.  "This is a restricted area."

"I know." I replied.  "But I'm a guest here at the hotel."

"You're not one of our party.  And we've booked out the entire hotel." The
other just as muscled guy informed me.  At least he knew who was and wasn't
with the band.

"No, I'm not.  But I do have a room here and I have a key and everything.
Just let me..."

I got halfway to leaning into my bag when I found myself flat on my face with a
sore back and half a tonne of security guard on top of me.  Apparently he
thought that I was reaching for a concealed weapon because the next thing I
was aware of was being pinned down and told to stay still.

"I didn't do anything." I told him as best I could with my face pushed into the
nylon lobby carpet.

"We'll be the judge of that." The only guy still standing said, then I watched as
he rooted through my bag, pulling out clothes, papers and toiletries until he
was satisfied that I didn't have any explosives or weapons on me.  Even then
they didn't let me up.

"He's got a key." The guy who had just been through my baggage said as he
held up my room key.  "I thought we didn't have other guests."

I didn't want to point out that I had booked it especially, I didn't think that news
would go down to well, and I wasn't about to out Justin to the hired help when
he didn't even know that I was here.  So I did the reasonable thing and stayed
silent.  The man that was on my back moved slightly and let me up.

He didn't offer me a hand, so still dazed from his tackle I struggled to my feet
and began the laborious task of collecting my few possessions.  I was glad
that I had only brought the bare essentials and that the bell boy was bringing
the rest of my bags from the car later, otherwise I could have been fishing my
boxers from the pot plants for the rest of my stay.

"You'll have to stay in your own room for most of the time, we have important
guests." The guard said as I retrieved my hair gel and toothbrush.  "They
won't want to be disturbed."

"He should have thought of that before he flew out here then." A third voice
put in.

My blood almost froze when I heard it.  Josh.  The one person that I was not
ready to face and he was the first person that I saw.  I wondered for a moment
if he hadn't arranged for my little accident with security, but then as I turned I
realised that he must just have walked in.  I would have seem him otherwise.

"Do you want us to evict him from the property, Mr. Chasez?" One of the
guards asked.  "Guest or no, he can't stay if he's going to cause problems."

I half expected him to say yes.  I knew that he had the power to have me
ejected before I got the chance to speak with Justin and given our history I
expected him to use it.

"No." Josh said.  "He's not going to cause a problem."  I could almost hear a
sigh of resignation in his voice as he said it.  "In fact he'll probably improve the
atmosphere on tour for at least some people."

"Thanks." I said softly but he turned his back to ignore me.

"Just make sure that you stay in your room." The guard said.

"Whatever." I replied as I headed off to my room, I didn't care what they said I
had faced Josh and survived so the rest was going to be easier.  All I had to
do was find Justin and let him know that I was here.

I didn't care about anything else.

***

*Justin*

It was the same hotel that we had stayed at in a million cities, there was
nothing new or special about this one.  It had green bed spreads instead of
peach and an alpine print instead of one of cactuses or green fields but other
than that the room was pretty much the same as every other room I had ever
stayed in.

I wasn't sure then what it was that felt different about this one, of course I
would find out soon enough but at that moment I didn't know.

There was a knock on my door and I assumed that it was the porter with my
bags, consequently I didn't check who it was and just opened the door.  I was
surprised to see Josh on the other side.  He had mostly respected my wishes
since we left Los Angeles and had stayed away from me.  I wonder now if he
was sparing my feelings or his own, either way we had not really spoken other
than for work since then and this was the first time that he had approached
me voluntarily.

"What do you want?" I asked curtly.  To be honest I was still not interested in
anything that he had to say.  Despite the fact that Tim was now back in my life
Josh was still a sore subject for both of us and I didn't think that would change
for a long time yet.

"Justin, I know that you're angry, and I'm sorry for what I did, but you
promised that we would at least be civil." He said sadly.  He was right, I had.
Not that I had told him that but I promised Lance that I would not treat Josh
badly, just that I needed time.

"I'm sorry." I said.  "Is there something you wanted to ask me?  About the
tour?"

"No." He replied.  "More like something that I need to tell you."

"What is it?" I asked.  Usually Lance dealt with this stuff.

"Tim is here."

The words didn't register at first, I was thinking through all of the people that
we knew, thinking which one of the tour staff was called Tim.  It was only
when I came up blank that I realised who he meant.

"Tim?" I asked.  "My Tim?"

Josh's face fell at those words but I was too busy grinning to notice it.

"Yes.  Your Tim." He said.  "In room 212.  He's just checked in and I think that
he might be looking for you."

"Thanks." I said with a smile, and it was genuine.

I knew what it must have taken for him to tell me that Tim was here, and the
guilt that he was probably feeling with Tim being here.  Yet Josh didn't
begrudge me my happiness.  I think that was when I started to forgive him.
After all, Josh had made that first step of his own accord and I began to
realise later that we would need to make the next step together.

Still, at that moment there was only one thing on my mind and that was Tim.  I
went off in search of him, not knowing that I was leaving the despondent and
resigned Josh alone in my room.  Tim was all that mattered at that moment.

***

212 was not hard to find, second floor, twelfth room, just like it would be in
most hotels that we had stayed in.  I knocked on the door, waiting a moment
before knocking again.  I'm not proud of how desperate it made me look, but
damn, it had been six weeks since I had seen Tim and I missed him.  I was
about to knock a third time when the door was answered, consequently, when
Tim saw me I had my hand raised as if I was about to knock him out.

"Are you taking lessons from security now?" He asked me with a slight smile.
I lowered my hand and waved a little embarrassed at being caught.

"What?" I asked when his words registered.

"Never mind." Tim said, his smile widening as he pulled me inside, pushed the
door shut and then pulled me into a hug.  "Hi."

"Hi." I returned.  Giving him a soft kiss as I did so.

It wasn't meant to be a prelude to sex, it was just a greeting, but I guess with
how long it had been between us there was a sexual tension that was sparked
by the simple gesture.  Tim deepened the kiss, pulling me closer to him and
moving us toward the bed.  I wasn't sure how far it was, I was too busy getting
involved in the kiss and being swept away by the sensation to pay much
attention.

I hit the bed with a bump, tumbling down onto the mattress and pulling Tim
with me.  He was on top, but he pulled away as the laughter bubbled up from
somewhere deep inside, I guess it was funny, the sort of thing that you expect
in a movie.  It was good though, because it eased the tension between us and
so we lay side by side, just happy to be together again.

"I should get going." I told him after we had been there for what seemed like a
while.  "We're meant to be doing a concert or something."

"Okay." Tim said softly.  "You want to come by later?"

"I want to stay here now." I replied.  It was true, the last thing that I really
wanted was to leave Tim.

"Well, that probably wouldn't be a good idea." Tim said.  "Besides, I was kind
of looking forward to seeing this band tonight, so you'd be here alone
anyway."

It took me a moment to register what it was that he had said.  I thought it over
once, then a second time before I realised what he was saying.

"You're coming to see us?  Tonight?" I didn't know why I was so excited by
the concept, but just knowing that he was going to be out there in the
audience that night made me happier than I had been in a long time.

"Sure." Tim said.  "What?  I can't go see my boyfriend's band?"

I smiled at that.  His boyfriend.  I don't know why but that one word made me
inordinately happy.

"Sure." I replied.  "I guess I had better go and get ready."

"Okay." He said, pulling me to him for one last kiss before I had to go.

I headed out, a smile on my face and a spring in my step, and for once in my
life I was glad to be who I was because Tim was going to come and see me
and my band play tonight.

***

*Tim*

I was surprised when Justin knocked on my door, I had thought that they
would already be at the concert, or at least that Josh would make sure they
were by the time I got rid of my bags and had time to go and look for them.  It
was a spur of the moment decision to go to see Justin, when he had talked
about not going to the concert I had known that I should use the tickets that
Adam's secretary had gotten me.  I was glad now that I had them.  She had
collated an entire dossier of information, including all of the Nsync tour dates,
their hotel details and reserved rooms in all of the hotels and tickets for the
next week of the tour.  Next time I saw Adam I was going to tell him that she
didn't get paid enough.

Justin disappeared to do whatever it was that he had to do before the show, I
supposed that there were sound checks and other things to go over, much
like there had been at some of the TV shows I had seen them recording while
I was on the publicity trail.  I figured that I had a while before the show started
so I continued to unpack some of my stuff, this time with a purpose though, I
needed an outfit for that night and I wanted it to be perfect.

I sorted through what I had with me, glad that I had taken the opportunity to
steal some of the outfits from the film set and from my promotional tour, and
chose a pair of tight black jeans, a deep red shirt and a leather jacket that I
loved.  I knew that this outfit looked good on me, someone else had been paid
to pick it out for me, and it suited me well.  I hoped that Justin would love it as
much as I did.

I took a shower, making sure that it was cool enough to take off the edge of
my desire at seeing Justin again, and then dressed.  I grabbed wallet, key
card and after a moments hesitation the condoms and lube from my bag, it
wasn't as if they were going to get used, but you never know.  It's always
better to be safe than sorry.

Finally I was ready to go and I headed out and took a cab to the venue.

I felt a rush of energy as soon as I was there, surrounded by thousands of
girls that were dressed in their minimal clothes, with buttons, pins and
banners, all with one thing in common.  They were there to see Nsync and so
was I.

***

I have to admit that the concert was better than I had expected.  I've already
admitted that I was not really a huge fan of them before I met Justin and the
others, the truth is that I had not expected a great show.  I really just wanted
to see Justin in his natural environment, what I got was actually an
entertaining show that made my feet tap, my heart pound and my cock
harden.

Hearing Justin sing live was a new experience, I knew in my mind what it was
that he did for a career, I had even heard him and the boys on the radio, but
hearing it live was amazing.  He really did have a great voice and a good
talent, I didn't think that it would have been physically possible to hit some of
those high notes.

Finally the concert was over and I found myself caught in a large crush of girls
that were trying to get out.  Some where rushing for the stage door wanting to
get a glimpse of Nsnyc as they left and others were turning to leave with
parents and older siblings in tow.  I moved to the front, pushing against the
tide of hormones, and moved to one side of the stage.

"Hi, I'm..."

"The exit is behind you." The security guard said emotionlessly.  I was really
beginning to get sick of these people judging me, I wanted to get a T-shirt
printed that identified me as 'with the band' but I didn't think that it would help.

"Look, I'm Tim Caldwell, I'm staying at the hotel with the band." I began.  He
looked down at a clip board that he had in his hands and his face changed.

"I'm sorry Sir." He said.  "We have to check every..."

"Yeah, whatever, just let me backstage." I said tiredly.  I didn't want this right
now, I just wanted to see Justin and tell him how well he had done and maybe
get a lift back to the hotel.

The guard moved quickly, allowing one of his colleagues to usher me
backstage and lead me through the maze of corridors until we got to a door.
It was not the first door that we had passed and looked the same as the
others did, but it was obvious that this was for security reasons.  A door with a
large star on it that the films might portray would lead people to know exactly
where the famous people were, but just a sea of plain doors was like hiding a
tree in a forest.  I was glad that the guy had shown me where they were.

He knocked, showing that he had at least some respect for the people that he
was working for.

"What?" A voice asked.

"Got a guest out here for you." The security guard replied gruffly.

The door opened slightly and a head peaked around it, I caught a glimpse of
naked shoulder and realised that they must be changing in there.  I had hoped
that Justin would answer the door but I got Lance instead.

"Oh, hey." He said, his face showing a smile although there was a look of
caution in his eyes.  "Come on in."

The door swung open and I saw that he had a shirt in the hand that was not
on the door.  He was bare chested but thankfully the rest of him was covered.
I could not say the same for the others.  Joey was clad only in boxers and
Josh was not wearing much more.  Justin wore only a towel and it was clear
that they had showered in turn and that he was the last one out.

"Hey." Justin grinned, dropping the towel as he reached for his pants and
giving me and the rest of the room a full view of what he had to offer.

He smiled lasciviously and Josh looked away, distaste obvious in his eyes.  I
didn't know what Justin was playing at rubbing this in Josh's face like that.  He
must have known that this was going to kill Josh.

"Don't flash it around Justin, we've all seen it before." Chris said as he turned
to finish dressing.  It was obvious that he felt the same way.

"Baby you shouldn't show off.  It's not big and it's not clever." I added with a
small smile.  There was a laugh and I realised what I had said.

Justin pouted.

I went over to him, ignoring the rest of the people in the room and pulled him
to me, kissing him softly before letting him go and handing him his pants.

"Get dressed, the sooner we get out of here the sooner we can...talk." I
added, realising that we were not alone and that while Justin's band mates
had so far accepted my presence here that they probably didn't want to be
privy to our sex lives.

To be honest although this was really the second time that I had met the
others it didn't feel like that, the first time had been brief, and not really an
event that I wanted to think about too deeply.  Essentially other than that this
was the first time that we were meeting and I wanted them to think more of
me than the man that had almost ruined their careers.  I wanted to be Tim to
them and not just Justin's boyfriend.

"So, Tim, How long are you here for?" Lance asked helpfully and I could see
that he was trying to make an effort.  This was the second time that he had
tried to draw me back into their circle and I really did have a lot to thank him
for, more than I knew then.

"I don't know." I replied honestly.  "I think that depends on how long I'm
welcome for."

Josh snorted softly, I don't know who heard it but he made sure that I did.

"It also depends on work and stuff too." I added.  "I'm in between jobs at the
moment but the offers were coming in thick and fast last I heard.  I need to do
a little thinking."

"Well, I'm glad that you're here." A now fully dressed Justin said.  "And for the
record I want you to stay as long as you can."

That made me feel warm inside because there was still a part of me that
doubted how long this would last.  I wanted it to last forever but I was not so
delusional that I thought that was possible.

"We're all off back to the hotel." Joey added, the first words that he had said.
"You're welcome to join us."

"That's good." I replied.  "Because I'm staying there."

Joey moved to say something else but was silenced by a look from Lance.  I
would have to thank him later, I really would, because he seemed to be my
one ally other than Justin.

***

*Josh*

Tim wants this laid down with what we were thinking and feeling at the time.
The best way to describe how I felt that Spring is to ask if you know what it's
like to have your heart ripped from your chest and crushed while it was still
beating.  That wasn't a patch on how I felt.  It was as if I had been shown my
worst nightmare and now I was having it replayed every time I turned around.
The worst part of it for me was that I had started to believe that I really did
deserve that and much worse for what I had tried to do.  Guilt is a funny thing,
it only sets in after the event by which time it is too late to do anything about
what it is that you're feeling guilty about.

I couldn't do anything to change what had happened back in LA.  I would
never be able to take back the mean things that I had said and done but there
was a part of me that wanted to try.  The problem was that there was still a
part of me that resented Tim for his being with Justin and that hated the fact
that Justin no longer seemed to want to be my friend.

That night, after Tim had first walked back into our lives I hoped that he would
leave soon and wanted to make his life as uncomfortable as I could but I
hadn't expected to see the others make him feel welcome, nor had I expected
the cavalry to come in the form of my other best friend.

Justin and Tim were back in their room at the hotel, doing whatever it was that
they wanted to do, I didn't really want to think about it.  I had plans with a
bottle of Jack and my self pity.  I didn't want to see anyone else.

The knock came a few minutes after we got back to the hotel.  I ignored it.  I
didn't want to have visitors and I certainly didn't want to host a party for the
rest of the Nsync lads.  Usually if they knocked and I didn't answer they would
assume that I was asleep and leave me to it.  When I heard the door open a
few moments later I knew that they weren't going anywhere tonight.

"Josh?" Lance called uncertainly.

"I'm really not in the mood to chat, Lance." I replied grumpily. "Can't this wait
till morning?"

"No." He said with more certainty than I would have expected.  "We need to
talk."

"Lansten, as much as I love you, I really don't know what there is to talk about
that can't wait till I've had a good night's sleep." I returned.

"I want to talk to you about Tim." Lance replied.

I sat up for that.  The last person that I wanted to talk about tonight was
Justin's toy boy.  He was here, I was trying my best to deal with that, but I
didn't have to spend any of my time talking or thinking about him.

"I need to know that you're not going to sabotage this for them." Lance said as
he moved into the room and took a seat next to me.  "Not again."

Lance was evil, knowing that I was feeling guilty about what I had done and
that he could monopolise on that shame.  It worked though because I felt the
uneasy knotting of my stomach as he said the words.

"Josh, I know that you want to protect Justin but he has to be who he wants to
be and we can't stop that.  Even if his being with Tim is a mistake, it's his
mistake to make."

"You think that Tim and Justin being together is a mistake?" I asked hopefully,
I was beginning to wonder if I had found a kindred spirit in James.  If he had
his reservations about this then between us I knew that we could talk Justin
around.

Lance shook his head sadly.

"No, I think that they really are well suited and that they make a good couple."
He said.  "But it's not about you or me, this is about Justin and Tim and what
they want."

"You think that they'll last don't you?" I asked despondently.  I valued his
opinion and was starting to see that my own judgement might be impaired in
this situation.

"I hope so." Lance replied.  I sighed.  "Josh, it's not that I want to see you
unhappy, I just think that Justin deserves a little love in his life from someone
other than his mother."

He was right of course, Justin didn't get enough love, not for a person that
thrived on making everyone around him happy.  Justin did deserve happiness
and I didn't want to begrudge him that.  It just sucked that I wasn't the one that
was making him happy.  Not after the years I had spent looking after him and
falling in love with the man he had grown up to be.

"You'll find someone." Lance said laying down on the bed and pulling me
down next to him.

I fell into his arms and allowed myself to be held.  He was right.  I wasn't
exactly a shrinking violet and there were a lot of men out there.  The problem
was that I had spent so long wanting Justin that I didn't think that there was
another man out there that would measure up.

We fell asleep there together that night, there was nothing sexual in it and
there never would be but at least there was someone there.  Being single and
watching two people falling in love is hard, it's harder still when you love one
of those involved.  Lance and I both felt it that night and were just glad that we
had each other and that we weren't alone.

***

***

To Be Continued.