Date: Mon, 23 Apr 2001 00:33:33 +0200
From: Aaron . <loveactivist@hotmail.com>
Subject: "Watching You Without Me" Chapter 5

This story has become incredibly hard to write; And when you include that
fact that about three people counting Nimm are reading it, it doesn't make
me want to write it.  Thanks go to Nimm this time (again), because her help
with this chapter has been invaluable.  Please, if you are reading this,
EMAIL ME! If noone is reading this, then I'm thinking about going on hiatus
from it. Thoughts? Thanks to those of you who have e-mailed me. :)

Disclaimer: None of this happened; it is all a figment of my poor, poor
deranged psyche. This story is not meant to imply anything about anyone
(well, actually it IS, but you didn't hear it from me.)  This story is
copywritten by me. (You can't sue me because you don't know my real last
name, plus the fact that I have nothing of value to take but my
piece-of-shit car, which would fall apart before you got it on the truck.)
HAPPY READING! :)~


"Watching You Without Me"

By Aaron DeLorean


*Chapter Five*

___________________________________

"Can't let you know
What's been happening.
There's a ghost in our home,
Just watching you without me.
I'm not here." --Kate Bush
___________________________________



	I opened my eyes. The room spun around me. I shook my head and the
spinning stopped. My gaze fell on A.J. and Tori who were asleep in two
chairs at the side of my bed. Jaycee had already gone.
	I knew that the doctor would be calling a psych consult down from
the psychiatric ward to talk to me about why I had overdosed. Tori would be
hurt that I had done it again. I looked up at the ceiling. Why HAD I done
it? How was I supposed to explain it to them if I didn't even know why I
had done it myself? All I knew at that moment was that I felt as if I were
under glass-the air stifling and unforgivable. I had battled with the same
thing for ten years. I wanted it to end. I could feel my eyes tearing up
again. I willed myself not to cry. I was so tired of crying.
	I looked at Tori. Dreams had possessed her body and she had a wild
expression on her sleeping face. She was so very beautiful. If I were not
gay I would probably have fallen in love with her. We were like the male
and female half of the same being. My thoughts drifted back to the night
she had told me about her childhood. How her father had sexually molested
her, and how she had left home at fifteen. We had cried for hours and I had
told her of my background- how I had battled with mental illness almost my
entire lifetime. We had connected that night at such a level that neither
one of us can live without the other to this day. I felt sorry for what I
had done to her by taking the pills. I closed my eyes once again.
	I opened my eyes to look at A.J. He was sleeping peacefully, his
chest rising and falling with each breath. I wanted to run my hands through
his silky hair; run my fingers over the muscles of his tattooed arms. Tori
had told me a week earlier that he was in fact, gay. This, needless to say,
delighted me.  As I looked at him now I felt something stir inside of me. I
could very easily fall for him. I sighed deeply and wondered if he would
have anything to do with me after all of this. I had had countless
boyfriends leave me in the past when they found out about the illness, and
the drugs I used to try and mask the pain.


	I woke up scared as I felt a clutching pain in my chest. The
beeping of the heart monitor sped up as a sharp pain shot down my left
arm. My eyes widened in terror. I was too young to have a heart attack! I
tried to reach for the nurses' call-button as the pain increased and my
breathing became shallow. I couldn't will my arms to move. I HAD to get to
that button.
	"A.J." I managed to rasp out of my parched throat. It was enough to
wake him combined with the alarms that were now going off on the EKG
machine. He bolted up right on bed.
	"Oh shit! AARON!" He ran out into the hall yelling for the
nurse. Tori was awake now too. She was sitting up with a bewildered look on
her face. A.J.  took my trembling hand into his as one of the nurses pushed
a syringe into my IV line.  She strapped an oxygen mask onto my face as the
pain in my chest subsided and the EKG machine quieted down. A tear ran down
A.J.'s face as he gripped my hand.
	"Don't worry," he said softly, "everything's going to be alright."
I slipped into sleep with A.J. and Tori each holding one of my hands. I
truly believed him as my eyelids closed and my body relaxed. Maybe tomorrow
things would look better.


To Be Continued.....maybe.....


PLEASE MAIL ME! :'(

(sorry this chapter is so short, im not very inspired lately, can't you
tell?)