Date: Thu, 21 Nov 2002 02:40:08 -0500
From: Thack <thack98@mindspring.com>
Subject: What I Feel For You 112-117

Do not break any laws by reading this.  That means if you are under age,
stop now.  Any questions?  Please read the disclaimer on the first
installments.  Also, remember this is fiction.  I have never met any of the
celebrities in the story and I have no knowledge of their private lives.

Wow!  I'm stunned.  The Boy Band Story Awards nominations are out and I'm
totally shocked.  I'm up for eight awards (which is eight more than I
expected).  I am truly touched for anyone who has nominated me.  I do
encourage everyone to vote, but that doesn't mean you have to vote for me.
I have to say I'm very proud that I was nominated in the "Most
Original/Creative Cliffhanger" category.  You all know how I love my
cliffhangers.  Hehehe.  If you aren't familiar with the awards, there's a
link off of the Nifty site.  Be sure to check out the nominee list and I'm
sure you'll find some more great stories to read.

Thanks to everyone who supports me.  And...happy birthday, Jase.

Take care and be good,

Thack


Once we landed in LA, I set about to do my job, which was to
make sure all the travel arrangements were running smoothly.
I was glad I had something to do because it meant I didn't
have to talk to anyone.  Rather than deal with limos, I had
rented an SUV.  The guys were always down to earth, so they
usually didn't mind cramming into one car together,
especially if I was the driver.  Besides, they would have a
limo take them to the video shoot and I wanted a car of my
own while they were all working.

It felt strange to be back in LA.  The last time I was there
was when I was in rehab.  I thought back to how Mike had
surprised me by meeting me and Drew at the airport.  That
was a good memory.  Once we left the airport and got onto
the freeway, my emotions started to get the best of me.  It
wasn't so much what was going on with Drew, it was the fact
that I was going home.  The last time I was home was when my
mother disowned me.

"What's wrong, Alex?"

"Huh?" I said, glancing over at Justin, who was sitting in
the passengers' seat.

"You haven't said anything since we left the airport.  Plus,
you didn't answer me when I said something to you about five
minutes ago."

"Really?"

"Yeah," he said.  "Honestly I just wish someone would tell
me what's going on.  Things have been screwed up since New
Year's.  Drew looks like he's about to fall apart at any
minute.  Clearly you aren't much better.  And Jeff just
seems out of it."  He paused.  "I know you had a fight with
Drew but it doesn't seem like it's getting better."

I looked over at him and sort of shrugged my shoulders.
Glancing in my rear-view mirror, I saw that Nick was in the
seat just behind us with his headphones on.  Jeff and Drew
seemed to be ignoring each other in the back seat.  Drew had
been looking out the window but Jeff was staring straight
ahead.  His eyes caught mine in the mirror and he slowly
looked down.  We hadn't really talked at all since the day
after he had kissed me.

"Things are fucked up," I said, not really caring about the
profanity.

"So make it better.  Talk to him."

Of course, Justin had no idea that my problems included both
Jeff and Drew.  He was referring to Drew so I tried to
concentrate on that issue.

"I can't just make it better.  It doesn't work that way."

"Why?" he responded.

"Because I don't understand him."

"Obviously this is about Lea.  He made a mistake Alex, but
he loves you."

"But it's not that simple, Justin.  Don't you see that?  He
lied to me."  I paused and tried to calm myself down.  "He
lied to me for months!  He hid his relationship from me.
It's not that I don't want him to have friends.  In fact, I
honestly don't mind if he's friends with Lea.  But it's the
fact that he lied to me for so long."

"Do you still love him?"

"Of course I do!"

"Then you have to get past all this," Justin said softly.

We drove on for a while and I let my mind process what
Justin had said.  I had no doubt in my mind that I loved
Drew.  And, I knew he loved me, too.  The question came down
to how much I was willing to trust him.

"I miss him, Justin."

"I know," he said.

As I drove, I tried to remember the last time Drew had made
love to me.  It surprised me that I couldn't remember and it
hurt that I even had to ask myself.  I missed having someone
I could count on.  I missed being able to call someone on
the phone any time of the day or night and just say, "I love
you".  Aside from that, I missed his touch.  I wanted to
feel his arms wrapping around me and squeezing me just a
little too tight.  I felt my resolve to be angry with him
slip away as I thought how wonderful it would be to kiss
him.  I wanted to feel him inside me and it had been too
long since that had happened.

"Claremont?" Justin asked as I took the exit off the
freeway.  His question brought me out of my daydream.
"Didn't you tell me and Nick that's where you grew up?"

"Yeah," I said.

Hotel options near the video location were few and far
between.  The closest four star hotel would have been over
an hour away.  The only option I came up with was the one I
didn't want to choose.  There was a family owned hotel that
would be comfortable and convenient.  Unfortunately, it was
literally a half-mile from the house I grew up in.  I knew
I'd have to face some of my demons if we stayed so close to
a house that held so many bad memories, but my job was to
look out for the guys so I didn't have much choice.

"Are you okay with this?" he asked as I drove back into my
past.

"I have to be," I responded without much emotion.

"Why?"

"Because the hotel we're staying at is about the best in the
area.  I wasn't about to make you guys travel and extra hour
each way just because I don't want to be here."

In the darkness I saw Justin look over at me and frown.  He
reached across and gently squeezed my knee.

"We would have done it," he said softly.

"I have no doubt about that Justin."

"This isn't very good timing, is it?" he asked in a low
voice, ensuring that none of the others heard him.  "I mean,
you have enough to deal with right now."

"Yup," I said matter-of-factly.

"I take it you don't want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Okay," he said.

I drove on, recognizing most of the buildings we were
passing.  Waiting at the stoplight to make a left turn onto
Foothill Boulevard, I glanced up the road and saw the lights
from the football field at my old high school.  I shuddered
a bit, trying to block out all the painful memories of those
days.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Justin," I said as I pulled into the hotel parking lot.
"I'll be fine, but I appreciate the concern."

"Anytime, Chief."

***

It wasn't until I got in my room that I remembered.  At each
hotel, I always make it a point to get connecting rooms for
Drew and me.  Each of the guys uses an alias to avoid
getting unwanted phone calls and messages should the fans
discover where we are staying.  I'd begun to use an alias
myself.  I did it so the hotel staff wouldn't know it was
Drew and me with the connecting rooms.  I always sent the
rooming list to the hotel in such a manner that it looked as
though Nick and Drew had the connecting rooms.  That way, I
reasoned, no one would suspect anything about Drew and me.

Unfortunately, this was the one trip that I didn't want to
be near Drew.  But, it was too late.  I turned on the lights
and surveyed the room.  It was pretty good size, with a king
bed and small seating area.  It appeared that while I was
making arrangements at the Front Desk, the bellman had
already delivered my luggage.  I walked across the room and
made sure the door that connected with Drew's room was
locked.  I walked toward the open curtains and saw a small
balcony that overlooked a quiet courtyard with a fountain.
I opened the sliding glass door and stepped out into the
night air.

"Sorry, I'll go back inside."

Somewhat startled, I turned toward the voice.  Drew was
sitting there in the moonlight on his balcony.  He was only
six or seven feet away.  Despite the dim light, I could make
out his face clearly.  It struck me that his eyes seemed
almost dead and it made my heart break a little.

"No," I responded.  "It's okay.  I just wanted to see what
was out here."

I stared at him for a moment longer than I wanted.  I felt
something inside of me that made me want to cry.  I turned
and started to walk back inside.

"Wait!"

Instinctively I spun around.  Drew was standing on the edge
of his balcony but his hand was outstretched.  There was
probably two feet between the two railings.  Without
thinking, I reached out and grabbed his hand.  I'm sure that
if anyone were watching they would have conjured up images
of the lovers on the fire escape in "West Side Story".

The second I touched him I felt the sparks fly through me.
It had been so long since I had touched him.  My whole body
ached and all I wanted to do was to make love to him.

"Will you talk to me?" he asked after a minute or so of us
holding hands.

"Yes," I said quietly.

Reluctantly, we both let go and walked inside.  I unlocked
and opened the connecting door.  Of course, I wasn't
surprised to see Drew, but I was surprised at what he had in
his hand.

"Please tell me we can fix this," he whispered.

I looked into his hazel eyes and thought I saw a tiny spark.
His bottom lip began to quiver and for a split second I
thought he was about to cry.  He reached out and presented a
single, perfect red rose.


Scene 113


I walked through the door into Drew's room.  It was a mirror
image of mine.  I moved across the room and went to sit down
on the bed.  It was only then that I saw the flower
arrangement on the table.  Clearly the rose that I held in
my hand had come from that arrangement.

"Let me guess," I said viciously as my heart began to beat
faster, preparing for the inevitable confrontation.  "That's
from Lea."

"Alex, no!" Drew practically screamed.

"I'm surprised she wasn't here waiting for you."

I watched as Drew grabbed the flower arrangement off the
table.  It looked as though it was about two-dozen red
roses.  He turned and faced me.  Without words he took the
card and handed it to me.  I felt my face go flush when I
saw that the card was addressed to me.

"I was going to have these put in your room tomorrow while
we were at the shoot," Drew explained.

"But." I stammered.

"Read the card, Alex."

I slowly opened the card, all the while looking at Drew.  He
closed his eyes for a moment and then walked back across the
room.  He carefully placed the flowers on the table and sat
down in one of the chairs.

"Dearest, Alex," I read to myself.  "I have never stopped
loving you.  You are the reason I get up each day.  You are
the reason I want to sing.  My life is incomplete without
you.  Please forgive me."

I looked up at Drew.  He had his head down and he was slowly
rubbing his hands together.  He looked as though the weight
of the world was on his shoulders.

"Drew," I said softly.  "That was beautiful."

He looked up tried to smile.  I reached out my hand, much
like he did moments earlier on the balcony.  Hesitantly he
stood up and walked over to me.  He took hold of my hand and
sat next to me on the bed.  We sat there for several
minutes, just holding hands.  It dawned on me that this was
the first night I'd touched him since well before Christmas.

"Honey?  Why didn't you tell me about her?"

"Because I didn't want to hurt you," he replied.

"That didn't work, did it?"

"That's not fair," he said.

"Really?  You've been leading this secret life ever since I
got out of rehab."

"That's part of it, I suppose.  When you went into the
clinic, you told me you didn't want to see me.  I know I
told you I understood but it wasn't that easy.  If that's
what you needed to get better, I was going to give you all
the space you needed.  But, suddenly, I was alone.  Sure, I
had my brother and Justin and Jeff to help, but there were
times I didn't want to be around any of them.  Every time I
saw one of them, all I could think about was you.  And
whenever I thought about you all I did was worry."

"I'm sorry, Drew.  I didn't mean for that to happen."

"I know you didn't," he replied.  "I told you I understood
why.  But, I ended up talking to Lea.  Whenever I saw her, I
forgot about all the troubles that you and I were having.
She didn't know you so I spent all that time telling her
about you.  I told her why I fell in love with you.  She was
amazing and it made me feel better."

"Then why not tell me?"

"I don't know.  I just didn't want to hurt you, Alex.  What
would you think?  After all, I was spending time with my ex-
fianc‚."

The word still stung a bit.  Even though I had heard that
Drew and Lea were engaged once, I tried to forget about it.

"So you kept this friendship quiet to protect me?" I asked.

"I suppose.  I didn't mean for it to be a secret.  But, then
you got out of rehab and I couldn't find the right way to
tell you.  Then it became this huge deal.  I knew that once
I told you we would get in a fight about it."

"Why are you so sure of that?"

"Because that's what Jeff said."

My mind suddenly went into overdrive.  I wondered how much
of what Jeff said to Drew was fueled with his personal
feelings for me.  At that moment I let go of Drew's hand.
He looked down, perhaps not even realizing we were still
touching.

"Tell me about the kiss," I said.

"Why, Alex?"

"Because I have to know.  I have to know if it meant
anything."

"I'm not going to lie to you.  Of course it meant something
to me.  She still does mean something to me."

"When did it happen?"

"Christmas," he said.

"Tell me what happened."

"No."

"Drew, tell me what happened or I'll get up and walk out."

He looked at me and sighed.

"It was on the 26th.  We were driving around and reliving
the past.  I was feeling really lonely, mostly because you
weren't there.  Lea picked up on that.  We ended up at the
high school where we went.  We were walking around and we
ended up by the football field."

"That's where you had your first kiss," I interrupted.

"How did you know that?" he asked, somewhat startled.

"You told me that once.  It was when we at the Mall of
America."

"Oh," he said, clearly not remembering that conversation.

"We were at dinner," I said.  "You had said that Lea kissed
you on the football field in the snow.  Then you asked me
about my first kiss, which hadn't happened, yet."

"I remember."

"So did you kiss her or did she kiss you?"

"I can't tell you," he responded.

"Why?"

"Honestly I don't know who kissed who.  It just happened."

"Did it mean anything?"

"I already answered that," Drew said.

"Are your feelings for Lea enough to question your
relationship with me?"

"No!"

"Are you sure?"

Drew reached out and grabbed both of my hands.  He pressed
them against his chest and I could feel his heart beating.

"I love you, Alex.  I can't stop my feelings for Lea.
But.they pale in comparison for what I feel for you.  You
are my life."

I leaned in and kissed Drew.  It was a long, slow,
passionate kiss.  After the kiss, I wrapped my arms around
him and held him.

"I love you, Drew," I whispered.


Scene 114


I awoke with a start, my body jolted back to consciousness
from a deep sleep.  In the pitch-blackness I struggled to
remember exactly where I was.  I reached out, trying to grab
onto something familiar.  Shutting my eyes, I saw remnants
of the nightmare that had been floating through my mind.
Pieces of the dream seemed to taunt me, laughing at my utter
confusion.

I was sitting upright in bed, willing my pulse to slow down.
There was a slight breeze coming in from the sliding glass
door that was open to the balcony.  The air blew across my
naked torso and I shivered.  It was only then that I
realized I was covered in sweat.

It was the same dream I'd been having for months now; the
same dream I had when I was with Jessica in Florida.  In the
dream Drew and I had been fighting about something.  It was
an intense argument, the worst I could imagine without
coming to blows with someone.  The next image that floated
out of my subconscious was a barren field.  It was a scene
that resembled the moon: black rocks peppered with pockets
of white.  Standing in the field, I was searching for Drew.
I couldn't find him and I remember screaming out his name
over and over.  It always ended the same: me holding Drew,
who was covered in blood.  I shivered again, trying to block
the images from my mind.

"What's wrong, baby?"

Drew's voice startled me and I jumped when I felt his hand
come to rest on my back.

"Nothing," I lied.  "Just a dream."

I looked out the window and saw that the sun was just
beginning to rise.  I heard the sound of the fountain in the
courtyard below and fought to clear my head.

"A dream?" he yawned.  "You're covered in sweat.  Are you
feeling okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure?  Lea always says that if you wake."

When he said her name I involuntarily flinched, which made
Drew stop mid-sentence.  As much I didn't want to admit it,
I was still hurt by what Drew had done.  I wanted to get
back to our normal life together, mostly because I was
lonely.  It didn't seem like it was going to be easy,
however.

"Sorry," he whispered.

I lay back down, shivering again, although I wasn't sure if
it was because I was cold or just upset.  I let my head fall
into the feather pillow.  Staring at the ceiling, I tried to
slow my breathing.  Tentatively, Drew reached over and
wrapped his arms around me.  He laid his head on my chest
and I could feel his breath against my stomach.

"I love you, Alex."

Absentmindedly I reached up and started stroking his hair.
I don't know if he expected me to respond, but I just
couldn't make myself say those three words.  For the first
time in months, I doubted what I felt for Drew.

***

I was sitting outside at the video shoot pretending to work.
Actually, I was waiting to meet with Zane.  I knew he was
there somewhere but I really wasn't in the mood to search
for him.  It had been a long time since I'd seen him, but we
had been corresponding via email to set up all the
arrangements with the tour.  I'd been trying to figure him
out, as he always came across very business-like.  Email,
however, is not the best way to get to know someone.

We had planned on meeting at the shoot to discuss some more
tour arrangements.  The tour was only three weeks off, and
we both were busy trying to get everything in order.
Rather than try to find him, I decided to stay in one place
knowing that he was probably looking for me.  Besides, I was
outside in just a short sleeve shirt in January, which
wouldn't be happening back home in Minnesota so I was happy.

As that thought bounced through my head I almost laughed to
myself.  Here I was, just 15 minutes from the house I grew
up in and I was considering Minneapolis my home.  But then
my mind started into overdrive.  If Drew and I did stay
together, which I wasn't sure would happen, where would I
end up living?

About 100 feet away, I saw Drew.  He was dressed for the
shoot in a vintage military dress uniform.  Even from that
distance, I could see how incredible he looked.  For a
second I thought about going over to talk to him.  We had
made love most of the night but we didn't really talk much.
Just as I was about to stand up, I saw her.

I'd seen pictures of her but I never actually had seen her
in person.  She was pretty and I could see why Drew was
attracted to her.  I'd never even considered being with a
girl, which may seem crazy considering I didn't come out to
myself until I was 19.  But, that's just the way it was for
me.  Drew, however, had been with at least two women that I
knew of.  The one that mattered was there that day.  The one
he still loved was Lea.

She walked up to him and hugged him.  I sighed and simply
looked away.  What more could I do?  I reached into my
pocket and pulled out my phone.  I needed some advice.

"Fitness Desk, this is Aaron."

"Hey, Aaron, this is Alex.  How are you doing?"

"Alex!  It's good to hear your voice.  What's going on?"

"I'm in LA," I said.  "The guys are doing a video shoot."

"Wow.  That sounds cool."

"I guess.  Listen, is Mike around?"

"He's with a client, but he should be done soon.  I'll have
him call you, if you want."

"Yeah," I responded.  "That would be good.  I gotta run,
Aaron.  I'll talk to you later."

"Okay, Alex.  Have a good one."

I sat there for a couple of minutes thinking about Aaron.  I
still didn't know how I felt about him.  Of course I was
grateful that he had shown up at the bar and kept me from
drinking but I still wondered about his intentions.  He had
made it clear that he had wanted to have sex with me, but I
never really figured out why we didn't.  I did, after all,
make a move and kiss him.  I'm not proud of it, but I would
have slept with him that day if he hadn't stopped us.  I
asked Mike what he thought about it once.

"Sorry to be blunt, but Aaron wanted your dick," he had told
me.  "Even he recognized that day that you were in no shape
to have sex.  Besides, he knew that I would have kicked his
ass if he tried anything with you."

I remember that I had laughed when Mike said that but we
both knew it was the truth.  Mike rarely got physical, but
he did launch himself at Jeff when he thought I was in
trouble.  In the end, I suppose Mike was the reason Aaron
didn't sleep with me.

I searched through my saved numbers on my phone and dialed
Mike's voicemail.

"Hey, Mike.  I just talked to Aaron and he said he'd give
you the message but I wanted to let you know what was up in
case I was away from my phone when you called.  Drew and I
are back together.  Sort of, that is.  I guess I was kinda
weak last night and I ended up sleeping with him.  I'm not
sure that was the best thing to do because right now he's
with Lea and it's taking all I have not to walk over there
and cut off his nuts for ignoring me.  Well.that was
probably an image you didn't need.  I'll talk to you later
about it."

As soon as I hung up I saw a shadow fall across me.
Startled, I turned and saw him standing there.

"So what did Drew do to make you want to cut his nuts off?"
he said laughing.


Scene 115


"Ah, Zane.  What exactly did you hear?"

"Enough.  Is there trouble in paradise?" he asked.

"Paradise?"

He looked at me and smiled.  I don't know why it struck me
right then, but I noticed that his teeth were impossibly
white.  His grin seemed to light up his whole face.

"First, it's not exactly a secret that you're with Drew."

"Really?" I answered.  I had honestly thought we'd done an
excellent job of keeping our relationship a secret.

"Don't worry.  I can always tell.  I probably knew Drew was
gay before he did."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Don't worry about it."

"So, you knew Drew was gay.  But, how did you know we were
together?"

"Remember I've seen all the rooming lists for the tour,
Alex.  You know, where you and Drew always get the
connecting rooms.  Besides, your voice changes whenever you
talk to him.  From what I've heard, the two of you seem to
be made for each other."

"Not likely," I said.

His smile suddenly vanished and he cocked one eyebrow.  I
could see his mind trying to process everything.  I sighed
and looked away, not really wanting to discuss it.  After
all, I didn't really know Zane.  But then, out of the corner
of my eye, I saw them coming toward us.

"Shit!" I said under my breath.

Zane looked at me, not understanding until he saw them.

"Hey, Alex," Drew said softly as he approached with Lea.

Not surprisingly, my attention was focused on her.  I tried
my best to smile, although I was certain it looked forced.
To her credit, she was either a much better person or just a
great actress because she looked honestly happy to see me.

"It's good to finally meet you, Alex," she smiled.

I had been sitting in a leather-backed director's chair.
When I saw them at the video shoot, I almost laughed out
loud at how clich‚ it seemed.  Lea stepped toward me and
leaned over slightly to hug me.  I tried my best to return
the hug, but I was just so surprised.  I'm not sure why, but
the second she touched me something strange flashed in my
head.  All I could think of was that her lips had been
kissing Drew.  It wasn't that she had kissed him; it was
that she had kissed him when he was supposed to be with me.

"Good morning, Lea," I responded.

The four of us stood there for what seemed like an eternity.
I felt my eyes drop down and look at the ground, simply to
avoid making eye contact with anyone.  I noticed that Drew
was wearing black shoes but it looked like someone had used
brown shoe polish on them by accident.  I was about to say
something when Drew started talking.

"Lea and I were going to craft services to grab some lunch
before my next call time and she wanted to know if you
wanted to come."

"Oh," I said.  I wasn't sure why it was Lea's idea that I
join them.  Maybe Drew was just saying that but I couldn't
tell.  Besides, shouldn't it have been my boyfriend who
wanted me there?

"I'd like it if you were there," she said in an even voice.

More than anything I just wanted to disappear.  The thought
of spending time with the two of them was almost more than I
could bear.  I could feel my stomach churning.  I was still
so worried about getting back with Drew.  I just wasn't
ready for the stress of being around Lea at the same time.
I looked directly at Zane, hoping he would pick up my
distress signal.

"Alex," he said, trying to make it sound as though he was
interrupting.  "We have to get the details worked out for
the opener at the Wiltern.  Plus there's another venue
that's just been added.  We're kind of under the gun here so
I don't know if there's time for you to get lunch."

I know I let out an audible sigh but I don't think anyone
but Zane caught it.

"What time is your call, Drew?" Zane asked.

"It's in 45 minutes."

"There's just not gonna be time.  Alex and I have at least
two hours work ahead of us and we have to get the contract
riders out to the theatre within the hour."

"I'm sorry," I said, addressing Lea more than Drew.  "Duty
calls."

"It's okay," she said.  "We have to do dinner before I fly
back home.  Tomorrow night?"

"Sure," I said as enthusiastically as possible.

Lea smiled and hugged me again.  Drew simply watched.  They
turned and started walking away.  I felt my face drop.  We
were in public so I knew that Drew couldn't kiss me or even
hug me but he didn't even say anything.  The only other
person within earshot was Zane.  I wasn't sure if Drew knew
that Zane knew about us, so I guess I had to give Drew the
benefit of the doubt.  But, he didn't even say goodbye.

"That was what you wanted me to do, right?" Zane asked.

"God, yes!  I owe you."

"No problem," he smiled.

"Do we really have to get the riders to the Wiltern?"

"No, that was done a week ago.  I mean we do have some
things to discuss but it's not urgent."

"So you just made up a lie on the spot?"

"It's easy," he laughed.

"You should be doing that for me."

"Why not?  You needed someone to bail you out of that one
and I was here.  Why don't we get out of here and go get
some lunch?"

"Okay," I sighed.

Neither of us said much as we walked to my car.  I briefly
explained that I had grown up in the area so I could drive
us to someplace decent to eat and get some business done.
Zane seemed agreeable to that idea.

"Thanks," I said after we were driving for a couple of
minutes.

"Don't worry about it.  You don't have to explain anything
if you don't want."

"Actually I'd kind of like an outsider's opinion.  I can
trust you, right?"

"Definitely.  Just in case you had doubts about me, I do bat
for your team.  I can't be out, just like Drew.  I'm not
performing right now but there's always a chance I'll get
back into it again."

"Okay," I said as I tried to decide how to start off.

Before I could say anything else, my cell phone started
ringing.  We had both set our phones down in the area
between the seats in the SUV.  Zane grabbed my phone
thinking it was his.  Once he realized it was mine, he
started to hand it to me but I motioned for him to answer.

"Alex Jackson's office.  How can I help you?"  After a brief
period of silence he looked over at me and said, "It's for
you."

"Ya think?" I laughed as I grabbed the phone.  "Hello?"

"Since when do you have an answering service?  And, what the
hell's going on with you and Drew?"

"Hey, Mike.  Is it bad to want to castrate your boyfriend?"


Scene 116


"For the record, I am against castration of anyone, even if
he deserves it."

I laughed at Mike.  Despite the fact that I was living on
the road and didn't get to see him much, we still had kept
in contact with each other.  I didn't feel the same about my
other friends, like Sharon.  I had called Mike to tell him
about me and Drew getting back together.

"So, what happened?" Mike asked.

I shifted the cell phone to my other hand and cradled it
against my neck.  I hated talking while I was driving but I
knew Mike was probably between clients and didn't have much
time.

"Well," I said hesitantly, glancing over at Zane who was
watching me carefully.  "He apologized and I guess I sort of
accepted."

"But."

"But I'm not sure about how I feel, Mike.  He's been with
her all day and when they came to see me, he barely said
anything to me."

"Probably because he knows he was a jerk."

"Maybe," I said.

Mike and I talked briefly as I drove over to the restaurant
I had in mind.  I detailed everything that had happened,
except I didn't mention the nightmare I had.  At one point
Zane looked a little uncomfortable, so I quickly told him it
was okay that he heard what I was saying.  That way, I
figured, I didn't need to fill him in on everything, even if
he was just hearing one side of the conversation.

"All I can say, Alex," Mike told me just before hanging up,
"is that I've never seen you happier than when you're with
Drew.  You need to decide if that's worth giving up."

Mike hung up just as we were reaching the restaurant.  It
was a little place called "Walter's".  The downtown area of
the town I grew up in was called the "Village".  I'm not
sure why I went there.  I suppose it was because it was the
kind of place that stood the test of time.  And, since I
hadn't been back there in years, that made it a safe bet.

"Did that help any?" Zane asked as we climbed out of the
SUV.

"Talking to Mike?" I asked.  "I don't know.  I'm not sure
what I want with Drew."

I stopped for a second and thought about Zane.  I didn't
really know the guy and yet I was entrusting him with a
great deal of information about Drew and me.  Although I
wasn't sure it was the smartest thing to do, he seemed to
understand.  He excused himself to go to the bathroom as I
checked at the podium inside the restaurant.  I found it was
going to be about a ten minute wait so I sat down and
glanced around the place.  It looked almost the same as how
I remembered it.  But, it wasn't until I heard the comment
that I realized that truly nothing had changed.

"We don't want your kind here."

I turned toward the voice and saw a man dressed in a
conservative suit.  He appeared to be in his mid thirties
and he carried a scowl.  For a split second I thought I
recognized him, but it was his words that caught me off
guard.  It shouldn't have surprised me, but I guess you're
never really expecting a gay bashing.

"Excuse me?" I said quietly.

"You're a faggot, right?  We don't want you here."

I sighed and felt myself shrink back into the past.  Despite
being on the outskirts of suburban Los Angeles, my hometown
was decided uncompromising in its intolerance.  There is a
major school of theology in the town, but it is incredibly
narrow in it's thoughts on diversity.  The town is also
small enough where the church that runs the school basically
controls the entire city government.

More than anything I just wanted to sit there and ignore the
man.  I knew that the only way he would win is if I let his
words have power.  I shuddered involuntarily, thinking back
to the past.  This was all too familiar.  Zane came walking
out from the bathroom and he recognized that something was
wrong.  Without words, I got up and grabbed him by the arm,
practically yanking him out the door.

"What the hell is going on?" he questioned as I quickly
pulled him down the sidewalk.

I left flushed and I knew it was only a moment or two before
I either passed out or started crying.

"Alex!" he yelled, stopping me dead in my tracks.  "What the
fuck just happened?"

I felt my pulse quicken.  Suddenly realizing I was still
holding onto his arm, I let go and summoned the courage to
look up at him.

"Just a welcome home present," I managed to say quietly.

He looked at me as if I were speaking Japanese.

"I just need to get out of here," I said.  "Can we just get
out of here?"

Zane nodded, trying to comprehend the situation.  It took
everything in my power to get back to the car.  Zane grabbed
the keys and helped me into the passenger seat.  I slumped
down, wishing I had never come back.  I was staring back
into the past and I didn't know if I could face it again.


Scene 117


Zane was quiet as he drove us back to the hotel.  I was
feeling so out of balance.  On top of having to deal with
all my problems with Drew, I had to deal with the past.
Moments before, some small minded bigot taunted me and he
had won.  I left without a fight and I felt as if I had
betrayed someone because of it.

We ended up back at the hotel.  Although I had lost my
appetite, Zane was hungry so we stopped in the coffee shop.
He must have sensed I wasn't in the frame of mind to discuss
anything personal because he didn't ask.  We did discuss
business, including some important changes to the tour.
Since the video shoot was finishing the following day, we
decided on setting up a dinner for everyone.  We included
all the guys, Lea, Jess, and Patricia.  The video included
scenes of Jeff with his daughter, Alyssa.  Patricia only
agreed to let Alyssa be in the video if she could be there
the entire time.  We selected a restaurant that was right
next to the hotel called Buca.  It was family style Italian
food and we reserved one of the banquet rooms.  I was
already dreading being in a room with both Drew and Lea.  I
shuddered to think about the seating arrangements.

Zane and I drove back over to the video shoot.  We parted
ways, but before he left me he stopped and looked at me with
a serious face.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah," I said, not really sure how I was feeling right
then.

"Obviously you don't want to talk about it, but something
happened back at that restaurant."

"It's nothing, but thanks."

He shrugged his shoulders and walked off.  I set out, too.
I needed to find Drew.  I needed to see how he was acting
around Lea.  Honestly, I was going to spy on my boyfriend.

I turned a corner around the trailers and literally ran
right into Jeff.

"Hey!" he said, laughing a little as rubbed his arm when I
we had collided.

"Sorry," I replied.  I moved slightly to let him pass and
started to walk away.  He gently grabbed my arm to stop me.

"Alex?"

"What?"

"This isn't working."

"What isn't?" I asked.

"Whatever you call this.  Your little routine of avoiding
me.  We haven't talked in days.  Every time I get near you,
you try to leave the room or pretend to not see me.  Is what
I did really that bad?  I never meant to fuck up our
friendship."

"It's not that."

"Really?  So it's not because I.." His voice trailed off.
We both knew what he was about to say and we both realized
we were in a public place.  "You know, what happened on New
Year's?"

"It's not about that?"

I saw Jeff's face fall when I said the words.  His eyes
seemed so dead at that moment.  For the first time in
months, I took a second and studied his face.  He was still
as handsome as I remembered him being when we had talked
back in my apartment in Minneapolis, but I could see
exhaustion and worry hiding behind his rugged features.

"Don't lie to me.  You've never been a good liar, Alex."

"How do you know?  How long have you known me, Jeff?"  I
could feel myself getting a little upset, although I could
do nothing to stop myself.  Deep down, I knew that I had
been avoiding Jeff because of the kiss.

"I've known you long enough to understand what's going on,
Alex.  Have you seen her with him?"  He paused when I didn't
answer.  "Have you?  What I told you that night is still
true, Alex.  You deserve better than him!  I know you don't
believe that, but it's true.  I know you and Drew are back
together, but he is still in love with her.  You know what
he said to me this morning?  He told me that he fucked you
last night.  Those are the words he used, Alex.  He's still
in love with her but he's fucking you.  I can't stand to
watch you get your heart broken and that's what's going to
happen."

Jeff was speaking quickly but intensely.  I was transfixed
on his blue eyes.  I tried to speak but nothing was coming
from my mouth.

"I know you don't want to talk about what happened between
us," he continued.    "If that's what you want, I'll deal
with it.  I just can't lose you as a friend.  Not right now.
Things are just too confusing for me."

"That's not going to happen!"

"Really?  Then why are you avoiding me?  Are you avoiding me
because I kissed you or is it because you know I'm right
about Drew?"

"What do you mean?"

"What do I mean?" he practically screamed.  "You know what I
mean, Alex.  Just admit it.  He's using you and I can't
stand to watch that happen to you.  You deserve someone who
is going to take care of you."

"And Drew can't take care of me?"

"Do you see him here?"

I don't know why, but I briefly looked around, as if Jeff
was asking literally if Drew was there.  My mind was playing
tricks on me and I wasn't sure what was happening.

"No," I answered.  "But you are."

"I am," he replied.  "And I'm always going to be here for
you.  But you have to ask yourself if that is what Drew is
going to do."

I heard him take a deep breath and slowly exhale.

"Alex," he said finally.  "Do you believe that Drew really
loves you and that he's going to be there for you?  Do you
really believe that?"

I shut my eyes for a second to try to collect my thoughts.
>From behind me I hear a rustle.  When I opened my eyes, I
saw her standing there.

"I'd like to hear your answer to that question, too," she
said.

To be continued.

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