Date: Tue, 21 Jan 2003 01:54:49 -0500
From: Thack <thack98@mindspring.com>
Subject: What I Feel For You 118

Do not break any laws by reading this.  That means if you are under age,
stop now.  Any questions?  Please read the disclaimer on the first
installments.  Also, remember this is fiction.  I have never met any of the
celebrities in the story and I have no knowledge of their private lives.

I know, I suck.  Sorry it's taken me this long and all you're getting is one
measly chapter.  Don't worry.  I am not abandoning the story.  Life has been
a little out of control lately and I needed to take care of myself.
Unfortunately, I don't see things getting better for awhile, but I will try
to devote some time to the story.

I sorta feel like I've written myself into a corner.  I know where I want
the story to go, but I just need to get past the current scenes.  In my
outline, I never intended to write about the video shoot, but it just kinda
came out as I was writing.  Aparently, some of you don't like how I'm
writing Jeff.  He's not "turning evil" and he won't be hurting Drew.  Just
remember that he's confused and he cares about Alex.  He's trying to do the
right thing, but sometimes actions don't come out as he plans.  Just trust
me and stick with him and I bet you all will be pleased in the end.

As I mentioned, life's been a bit crazy.  So, I have to thank Sean and
Phillip for helping me through New Year's Eve.  Also, thanks to Jase for
remembering my anniversary.  Like Alex, I'm in recovery and I just hit 8
years sober.  :)

Take care and be good.  I promise I'll do a better of job of writing for all
of you.

Thack


"Jess?"

"How much of that did you hear?" Jeff asked quickly.

"Enough," she said.  "Answer the question, Alex?"

I quickly turned and looked at Jeff.  He was as white as a
ghost.  Clearly he concerned that Jess had heard our
conversation about the night Jeff had kissed me.  As much as
I had been trying to convince myself that it was nothing,
deep down I knew that Jeff and I had to deal with the
situation.

I turned and looked at Jessica.  I hadn't seen her in quite
some time.  She looked good, although she had on a lot of
makeup for the video shoot.  She stood there impatiently,
waiting for my response.  Her head was cocked slightly to
one side.

"Do I think Drew loves me?" I asked.  "Yes. I do.  But do I
think he's going to be there for me emotionally right now.
I'd have to say no.  Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking
that he loves me."

She walked up to me and pulled me into a hug.  After a few
moments, I realized she needed me to hold her, probably more
than I needed it from her.

"What's wrong?" I whispered into her ear.

She gently let go of me and stepped back slightly.

"Nick and I just got into a fight."

"What about?" Jeff asked, which slightly startled me since
I'd nearly forgotten he was there.

"The usual," she sighed.

Before speaking, I glanced over at Jeff and he slightly
shook his head indicating that I shouldn't ask.

"I'm sorry," he said.  "He's an idiot."

"And it sounds like Drew is following suit.  Sometimes I
wonder if it's worth it."

"What?" I exclaimed.  "You love him."

"And you love Drew.  But I'm gathering that you're having
doubts right now about whether he's the one.  Right?"

"Yeah," I admitted.

"Do you still have that ring?" she asked.

I smiled in spite of myself.  I reached into my pocket and
pulled out the small velvet sack.  Out slid the ring.  For
some reason, I'd still carried it around with me, although
Drew had never seen it.

"Is that an engagement ring?" Jeff asked.

"Of sorts.  But now it's just a piece of metal.  I could
never give it to him.  Not after what I learned this week."

"Never?" Jeff asked.

"I don't think so."

"I'm sorry, Alex," Jess said.  She leaned over and kissed me
gently on the cheek.  "I have to run for my last shot today.
It should be fun having Nick right there."

I smiled sympathetically, although I had no idea what there
were fighting about.

"Jess?" Jeff said as she was walking away.  "How much of
what Alex and I were discussing did you hear?"

"Just the last couple sentences.  Why?"

"Nothing," he said.  "I just don't want to get you involved
in my mess."

"Okay, but you know I'm here for either of you."

There was an awkward silence between Jeff and me after
Jessica left.  We stood there for nearly a minute without
talking.

"You didn't tell me you were going to propose."

"I didn't know I needed your permission," I responded, with
just a touch of venom.

"You don't."

"Sorry," I said.  "That wasn't fair.  It wasn't an
engagement ring.  It was just supposed to show him that I
was committed to him.  But, right now that doesn't feel like
what I want.  What about Jess and Nick?"

"Every couple of weeks they get into the same fight.
Ironically, it's about getting married."

"Nick's not ready?"

"No," Jeff said.  "It's Jess."

That took me by surprise.  Although Nick and I had discussed
his relationship with Jessica, I had thought it would be her
pushing him to get married.  Suddenly I felt ashamed at how
out of touch things had gotten with my friends.  I was so
concerned with my own drama with Drew that I had no clue
what was going on with anyone else.

"So, what do we do now?" I asked.

"Unfortunately, I have to get back to the set.  But, we need
to talk, Alex.  I can't stand the thought of me ruining our
friendship."

"I promise we'll talk."  I paused.  "Can I ask you one
question, Jeff?"

"Of course."

"Did Drew really say that?"

"What?"

"That we fucked last night?"

"Yeah," Jeff said, blushing slightly.

"Is that what he usually says?"

"No.  And I'm sorry to say that, Alex.  He doesn't usually
say much about what you do together.  But this morning
that's what he said.  When we were alone he had told me that
he fucked you.  Sorry for asking, but was it wilder than
usual?"

"No," I said, my turn to blush.  "It didn't even last very
long.  It had been awhile for both of us.  I don't know why
he would say that.  He's never said that before.  He always
says he wants to make love to me.  I'm sorry you had to hear
that, Jeff."

"Me, too," he said.  "I have to go."

He gently touched me on the arm and turned away.  I watched
as he walked down to the end of the trailer and he turned
and disappeared.  My mind was racing, trying to figure out
why Drew was acting the way he was.  Maybe I was
underestimating Drew.  Had Drew figured out that Jeff was
interested in me and he was simply going out of his way to
make it clear that I was his?  If that was the case, we had
far more problems than I had realized, especially since he
was spending all his time with Lea.

I rubbed my eyes, wishing all the drama would just go away.
I thought about drinking, but shook off the idea.  I wasn't
about to let this send me back down that road.  Even if I
ended up alone, I wasn't going to lose that battle.  I'd
been through too much to let it beat me.  It was time for me
to decide what I wanted.  Once that decision was made, I
could go after it.

To be continued.(soon, I hope)

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