Date: Fri, 12 Sep 2003 01:47:21 -0400
From: Thack <thack98@mindspring.com>
Subject: What I Feel For You 134-135

The legal stuff:  This story is sexually explicit.  (Well not this
installment.)  It involves homosexuality.  (That it does.)  Do not continue
if this will offend you.  If accessing this story causes you to break local
laws, please leave now.  By continuing, you implicitly declare and affirm
under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor nor in the company of a
minor and are entitled to have access to sexually explicit material.  The
content and opinions expressed in this story do not imply anything with
regards to the sexual preference of any member of 98 Degrees or any other
celebrities named herein.  It is a work of fiction entirely.

Scene 134


It felt like a standoff.  I was lying there, motionless
except for my labored breathing.  Mike and Nick were only
about five feet away, each staring back at me.  I could
still see the tears slowly flowing down Mike's face.  My
mind was on overdrive, and yet I still wasn't able to speak.

"Thank God you're finally awake, Alex," Nick said finally,
breaking the silence.

Despite his words, my eyes had locked onto Mike's.  I could
count the number of times I'd seen him cry on one hand and
that's why I was so scared.  The last time I remembered
being that scared was when Dr. Gaffney had told me that I
might have cancer.

"Drew?" I asked quietly, addressing Mike more than Nick for
some reason.

They both approached me, Nick stopping at the foot of the
bed and Mike moving further so he could stand beside me.  I
felt Mike's calloused hands grab my left hand and gently
squeeze.

"He's upstairs.  In ICU," Nick responded.

"So, he's not..." my voice trailed off.

"No," Mike said.

I saw Mike turn and look at Nick.  All of a sudden, I saw
Nick sigh.  His body seemed to collapse a bit and he put his
hands on the wooden bedrail, looking down and avoiding my
eyes.

"I'll tell him," Nick almost whispered.

"No," Mike said almost sternly.  "You've had to do this
several times.  I'll tell Alex."

"Tell me what?" I practically screamed.  They were acting as
if I wasn't in the room.

"Okay, Alex," Mike looked down at me.  "I need you to stay
calm.  If you don't stay calm they are gonna drug you again
and make you sleep.  Do you remember what happened?"

I stopped and closed my eyes for a second.  I thought back
but all I seemed to recall was dark, jagged rocks.

"No," I confessed.

"That's okay, buddy.  That's normal.  Do you remember being
with Drew in Hawaii?"

"Yeah."

"Okay.  Good.  We don't know a lot, actually.  Just what the
police told us.  I guess you and Drew were driving back to
your hotel.  It was really late, in the middle of the night.
You guys had an accident.  It was bad, Alex.  Do you
remember any of that?"

"No," I said, feeling my eyes begin to water.

"Well," Mike continued, "you both got banged up pretty good.
As you can see, you broke your leg.  You also had a
concussion and you ruptured your spleen.  That caused a lot
of problems but the doctors tell us that you're going to
make a full recovery.  Actually, they say the leg is the
toughest, because of where it was broken.  It was broken in
a couple..."

"Mike!" I yelled.

Mike stopped talking.  Before he said anything else, he
looked over at Nick.  Nick just nodded his head slightly.

"Drew's not doing too good," Mike said softly.

"Mike, what's happened?  What's going on?"

"According to the police and the paramedics, Drew wasn't
wearing his seat belt.  When you crashed, he was ejected
from the Jeep.  It's a miracle he's still alive, from what
they said.  But, he had massive internal injuries, Alex.
He's been in a coma since the accident."

There was total silence in the room.  My eyes darted from
Mike to Nick but neither of them would look me in the eye.
I knew what they didn't want to say.

"He's not gonna wake up, is he?"

"No," Nick whispered.  "They tell us it's only a matter of
time."

It took me a few minutes to process everything they had told
me.  Bits and pieces of memory seemed to fade in and out of
my mind.  Each time I closed my eyes I started to picture
the field.  At first it was just flashes as I blinked.
Then, I purposely closed my eyes and I could see the whole
thing.  It wasn't the night of the accident; it was the
dream.  I was remembering the dream that I had been having
for months now.  In the dream, I was holding Drew, just like
I did on that barren field of lava.  But, the dream and
reality ended very differently.

"Alex?" Mike asked, causing me to open my eyes.  "Do you
understand what we just told you?"

"Yes.  At least I heard you.  But, it doesn't matter.  Drew
is not going to die."

"Alex," Nick said.  "You don't..."

"It doesn't matter," I interrupted.  "You don't know what I
do."

"What do you know, Alex?"

"I dreamt all of this.  I knew it was going to happen.  I
mean, I didn't know when and I didn't know it was going to
that night, but I've been having a nightmare for months
now."

"I remember," Mike said.

"And everything happened like it did."  I paused.  "I take
that back.  I can't really say that because, honestly, I
can't remember the accident.  But, I do remember the dream.
In the dream, Drew died in my arms."

"Alex, stop," Nick exclaimed.

"No, Nick!  Don't you see?  It didn't happen that way!  Drew
is still alive.  He didn't die in my arms.  That's how I
know."

"I'll get the nurse," Mike said as he let go of my hand.

Seconds later Nick was standing in his place.  His hand was
gently touching my forehead.

"Please stop, Alex."

"No!" I yelled.  "Don't you see?  It's a good thing."

Within ten minutes I was asleep, courtesy of the drugs the
nurse shot into my IV.  I felt bad that I couldn't explain
everything to Nick.  He looked so concerned.  But, at the
very least, I knew Drew was going to wake up.  It was just
going to be a matter of time.  At least that's what I
thought at the time.


Scene 135


I was in a highly groggy stage when I felt someone touching
my arm.  I'm sure it wasn't intentional, but the slight
pressure on my bicep caused a wave of pain flash through my
body.  I was still incredibly sore from the accident.  My
eyes shot open as I grimaced at the pain.  It wasn't the
most pleasant way to wake up.

I saw Jeff standing over me.  I tried to remember when the
last time I saw him was, but all I could remember was the
night he spent with me on New Year's Eve.  Rationally, I
knew I had seen him at the video shoot, but I simply
couldn't remember any of that.  That scared me more than a
little as I started to question how many holes there were in
my memory.

"Sorry to wake you," he said softly.

Then it clicked.  Maybe he was coming with the good news.

"Drew?"

"No change."

"Oh," I replied.

"I'm really sorry I woke you up, Alex, but visiting hours
are almost over and I really needed to talk to you."

"It's okay.  All I can do is sleep right now.  Well, sleep
and worry."

Jeff reached down and tried to hold my left hand.  I
flinched again with pain and we both realized my hand was
clenched, as if I were grasping onto something to save my
own life.  I wondered if I had grabbed onto something as the
Jeep was flipping.

"Sorry," he said as he took a small step back.

"It's alright.  It's not you.  I'm incredibly sore, though.
It still hurts to breathe.  I have a line of bruises across
my chest where the seatbelt was.  I don't remember what they
told me, but I wouldn't be surprised if I broke a rib or
two."

Jeff smiled at me.  It seemed like an odd emotion.

"What?"

"You're alive," he responded.

I shrugged my shoulder to try to indicate my feeling of
indifference but instead I caused more pain to shoot down my
body.  I winced and told myself not to move anymore.

"Do you need more pain medication?  I can get the nurse."

"No," I replied.  "I've been drugged up enough.  I'd like to
try to clear my head and if that means I'm in pain then I'll
just have to do that."

This time Jeff shrugged his shoulders, perhaps not sure how
to respond.

"Why are you here?"

Right after I said it I wish I hadn't.

"I'll leave," he said as he stood up.

"Wait, Jeff.  I'm sorry.  I just don't know what to say."

"I don't, either.  But I'm worried about you.  What happened
that night?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, on the defensive.

"Well, both Mike and Nick seem to think you've gone crazy.
They said you were ranting about some dream you had and how
you know Drew is going to wake up.  You woke up this morning
screaming about it.  They drugged you again to calm you
down."

I looked at Jeff.  His eyes seemed a bit cloudy.  I'd never
seen his eyes look so lifeless.  As carefully as I could, I
motioned for him to sit down on the edge of the bed.  He did
so with great care, eventually turning and looking down at
me.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"Why?  So you can tell me, 'I told you so?'  That's just
kicking me when I'm down."

"First off, I wouldn't say that in a time like this.  Second
off, I don't think I'd ever say that about the situation.  I
just want what's best for you, Alex.  And, ultimately, that
is probably the best thing for Drew, don't you think?"

He did have a point.

"We had a fight," I said.  After a long silence, I added,
"We broke up, actually."

"I figured.  No one believed me when I said that's probably
what happened."

"We went to this restaurant in town.  Then the topic of Lea
came up.  It got ugly, Jeff.  I ran off, which was one of
the dumbest things I could have done.  I was wandering
around Kona at midnight.  Drew searched and finally found
me.  He was driving us back to the hotel when it happened."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Everything.  This wouldn't have happened if I hadn't pushed
you so hard about Lea."

"You're right," I said.

Jeff looked as though I had slapped him.  That wasn't the
intent, but I don't know if he would believe me.

"I just mean that it wouldn't have happened.  I mean, if I
hadn't run away it wouldn't have happened.  If we had gone
to the restaurant at the hotel it wouldn't have happened.
Or if I just had paid attention and made him wear his
seatbelt."

"Alex, stop!"

"I guess."

"Look," Jeff replied.  "I got your point.  It's not my fault
and it certainly isn't your fault."

We waited out an uneasy silence.  It stuck me that I
remember weird things.  I thought back to a time when I
consciously told myself how lucky I was to have people in my
life where silence didn't mean something bad.  Now, I just
wanted to melt away.

"So," Jeff finally said. "This is what I want to know.  The
dream you had, where Drew...." He paused.  "Where Drew dies
in your arms.  Is that the same dream you had that night you
were with Jessica?  The night you called and were freaking
out.  Before you went into rehab?"

"Yeah."

"And you're certain it's about the accident."

"I am."

"And you believe it?"

"As much as I can believe in anything right now, Jeff.  I
don't know where to turn.  I've never believed in
premonitions or any of that stuff.  All I know is that I
have had this nightmare for months now.  It was a little
different each time but it always ended with me having blood
all over my hands.  And it always ended with me holding Drew
in my arms as he took his last breath."

"And that didn't happen."

"No," I sighed.  "He's still alive.  Does this make any
sense?  Do you think I'm crazy, too?"

Jeff shook his head, which honestly surprised me.  He always
seemed to be more of an analytical thinker, at least as
analytical as a creative musician can be.

"So, if I asked you to do something for me, would you do it?
I mean, would you do something that seemed a little crazy
even if you didn't think it would help?"

"I'd do anything for you, Alex.  What is it?"

"Help me wake Drew up."

To be continued (I promise)...

Author's note:  The characters in my story seem to have
taken a life of their own.  Sometimes I'm not sure where my
own story is going to lead.  That makes it tough to write.
Sometimes I need to wait and let everything percolate in my
head.  It's like I need Jeff or Drew or any of them to tell
me what he wants to do next.  I thought I was crazy but then
I read a book called "The Night We Met" by Rob Byrnes.  It's
a sweet gay love story.  Go buy it.  The main character is a
writer and he says this:

"I mean that, when I started writing, I had everything
plotted out.  But the more I wrote, the more the characters
started taking on lives of their own.  That's why I put the
book away.  I don't know what should happen next.  They
haven't decided yet."  (page 6)

I guess Rob knows where I am.  So, I know it takes me
forever to write a new installment, but it just takes times
to figure out what is supposed to happen next.  Have
patience with me.  I promise I will keep writing.

Send feedback to:  thack98@mindspring.com