Date: Wed, 13 Oct 2004 04:54:54 +0000
From: thack98@comcast.net
Subject: What I Feel For You 152-154

The legal stuff: This is a sexually explicit story (at times) involving
homosexuality.  By continuing to read, you affirm under penalties of
perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are
entitled to have access to sexually explicit material.  The content and
opinions expressed in this story do not imply anything with regard to the
sexual preference of any member of 98 Degrees or other celebrities named
herein.  This is a work of fiction entirely.

I'm blaming the lack of posting on the hurricanes here in Florida.  (At
least it's a partially legitimate excuse.)  I do have a destination in mind
for the story.  I am, however, having a hard time getting there.  Bear with
me as I figure out what each character needs to do to get to that place.

If anyone near New York gets a chance to see the real Drew Lachey in
"Rent", send me your thoughts.  thack98@comcast.net.

Scene 152

The next week was pretty rough.  Of course, I spent a lot of time with Drew
at the hospital, but I was also thinking about Jeff.  Each day I'd wake up
and hope I'd have a voicemail from him.  Every evening when I left Drew's
bedside, I'd think about calling Jeff.  I struggled with the idea, not
really knowing what to do.  Each time I picked up my cell phone to call I
remembered that he was the one that left.  He chose to leave without saying
goodbye.  That's how I rationalized it at the time.

It had been an eventful week.  Nick had delivered his wonderful news about
his engagement with Jess.  Justin managed to smuggle a bottle of champagne
into Drew's room.  As he filled the glasses, Justin forgot that I wasn't
drinking.  Acting as my big brother, Nick grabbed my glass as Justin handed
it to me.

"Sorry, Alex.  I forgot!"

"It's okay," I shrugged, feeling a little like I was spoiling the toast.

Before I knew it, Nick was handing me another glass.

"Honolulu tap," he frowned, handing me a glass of water.  "Best I could
do."

"It's fine," I said as Cate and Drew looked on.

It was a nice little party.  That is, until one of Drew's doctors came in
and kicked everyone out.  No one blamed her, though, because alcohol
probably wasn't the best thing for him.

The following day was all about Nick and Jessica.  Somehow the engagement
had been kept completely secret, despite the presence of the paparazzi that
continued to hang around the hospital.  Since MTV had been such a strong
supporter of 98 Degrees and Jess, the couple decided to give them the
scoop.  Jessica dropped in on Carson Daly and "TRL".  While she was on the
air, Nick called in and they made the announcement.  It was a little corny
but all the kids in the audience loved it.  Jess turned bright red when
Nick said that he loved her.

It was a sweet moment, but personally it made me sad.  I was thrilled for
both of them, of course.  But, it again made me realize that I didn't
really know what was going on in Jess's life.  She had played such an
important part of my life over the course of the previous six months.  I
told myself that I needed to rekindle our friendship, especially
considering she was going to marrying Nick.

As Drew continued to gain strength, our Hawaiian contingent grew smaller.
Jeff, of course, had already left.  The word from Nick was that he was at
home in Orange County with his daughter.  Justin was the next one to leave.
He headed off to Ohio to see his family.  The following day Zane left.  Now
that everyone was on the mend, he didn't have much reason to stick around.
His departure also meant he was off the company payroll.  With Drew's
recovery period still unknown, the tour had been cancelled and Zane had
handled all those details.

So, it was just me and Nick at the condo and his mom at the hotel.  I
suggested that she move in with us, but she surprised me by saying she was
leaving.

"Drew is going to be fine.  I need to get back to my other kids.  Oh, and I
miss my husband," she winked.

I was surprised at how much I missed Cate after she had left.  I didn't
feel like I really had parents any longer, so I assumed that I didn't need
them.  Although Cate spent the majority of her time at Drew's bedside, I
had gotten to know her.  She had treated me as if I was one of her own.
Part of that I attributed to the fact that she had adopted kids after
having Nick and Drew.  But, it was also that she recognized that Drew and I
were together.  It was a nice feeling.

Although I still hadn't talked to Jeff, I had gotten a report from Mike.
To say he was vague would be an understatement.  Given my options, Mike had
been the best one, but honestly I had expected him to give me a full
report.

"It went well," he had told me over the phone.

"And?"

"And, what?"

We ended up getting in a bit of an argument about it, which only made me
more upset.  Of course I realized that even if I did send Mike to check on
Jeff, Mike had no obligation to tell me anything about what had happened.

"He asked about you.  And he asked about Drew."

"What does that mean?"

"It means he cares about you."

"I know that!" I spat back at him, feeling very guilty about it just after
I had said it.  "Sorry."

The conversation deteriorated even more so I simply gave up.  I had to live
with knowing that Jeff was "okay" until I made the effort to check on him
myself.  I imagine that's exactly what Mike was forcing me to do.
Emotionally I wasn't ready to do that.

Fate has a funny way of forcing your hand, however.

Scene 153

I woke up and tried to stretch, thinking that I'd never get a good night's
rest until I got the cast removed from my leg.  That's when I realized that
Drew was holding my hand.  It was good to have him next to me.  I glanced
over at him and he was sound asleep.  The blanket covered our hands and I
decided to stay like that for as long as possible.

Even though we were sitting in first class, it still wasn't the same as
being in a real bed.  It was around 2am and I knew we had another couple of
hours to go.  I laughed to myself when I thought about how much traveling I
had done since I had met the boys.

It had taken both Nick and me by surprise when Drew's doctors cleared him
for release.  I think we both thought he'd be in the hospital much longer.
Of course, neither of us had much experience with trauma-induced comas so
we just went with the flow.  Both of us assumed Drew would come back to the
condo and recover more but Drew had other ideas.

"I want to go home," he said.

"Cincinnati?" I questioned.

"No.  LA."

I knew that he and Nick had talked about getting a place together in LA,
but I found it strange that he would call Los Angeles home.  His parents
were in Ohio and I knew he still had a small apartment in New York.  Still,
I supposed LA was as good a place as anywhere.  I knew Drew and I wouldn't
be calling Minneapolis home, but it felt funny to have him call LA home.

"Are you sure you're ready to travel, bro?" Nick asked, obviously not
liking the idea himself.

"Yes."

There wasn't much more discussion after that.  I had actually said I didn't
think it was good but Drew pulled the "I just got out of a coma and I get
what I want" card.  Apparently that trumped whatever hands Nick and I were
holding.

Nick played travel agent and got the flight set up.  Drew was going to be
released the following day, so Nick and I went back to the condo and packed
our clothes and important things up.  When we left the following day to go
pick up Drew at the hospital and head to the airport I realized that Drew
hadn't seen the condo.  I'm not even sure Drew realized how much work his
brother had done on getting the condo wheelchair-ready just in case.  I
don't think any of us ever told Drew about it.  Even though we still own
the condo, I don't think we'll ever go back.  Hawaii holds too many awful
memories for all of us.

Nick had decided to take the Northwest redeye flight.  He was hoping that
the cover of night would make the trip easier on all of us.  Realizing that
the paparazzi would want pictures of a newly-mended Drew, he hoped that the
midnight flight would catch them off guard.  He also hoped that Drew would
take his pain-killers and sleep through the flight.  So far, the plan had
worked.

I turned my head and looked at Nick across the aisle.  He was restlessly
sleeping.  Every minute or so he'd shift and try to get comfortable.  I
knew that he was glad to be going to LA, even if he thought Drew wasn't
ready for the trip.  Jessica was planning on flying in to see him.  It
would be their first time together since the telephone engagement.  Nick's
devotion to his brother amazed me.  It never once crossed his mind to leave
Drew to go see Jess.  I also had to wonder why Jess hadn't made the time to
see Nick or Drew after the accident.

I dozed off and when I woke up Drew's hand was still wrapped around mine.
The blanket had fallen onto the floor and I reached down and picked it up.
The sun was growing brighter outside and I knew we must be close to
landing.

Drew slept through me prying my hand anyway from his.  But, he also slept
through the landing so I knew the pills were having the desired effect.
Once we parked at the gate, the flight attendants were wonderful.  We let
everyone disembark and then brought in a wheelchair for Drew.  Although he
was released from the hospital, he still was pretty weak.  I was also still
dealing with my crutches so that left Nick to take care of Drew.  By the
time all of that was completed Drew had woken up and we easily got him into
the wheelchair.  I hoped it would only be an hour or so more until we could
get to a real bed.

"I'm tired," I yawned as I hobbled up the jet way.

"I'm not!" I heard Drew laugh in front of me.

"Shut up!" Nick barked back at him.  "Not all of us are on Percocet."

That comment made Drew laugh more, only reinforcing the fact that he was on
Percocet.  When we entered the now empty gate area I felt my jaw drop.  He
was the last person I expected to see waiting for us.

"Hi, guys," Jeff said.

Scene 154

"You can't be here," I said shaking my head as if it were a dream.

"Um, why not?" he laughed.

In that one simple statement I could tell so much about him.  He seemed
like the old Jeff, the one that played practical jokes on me by calling my
cell phone and pretending to be a fan trying to find the guys.  He was
smiling a smile I hadn't seen in a very long time and his eyes were alive.
But, I couldn't tell if it was just an act or not.

"You can't be here," I repeated, as if he hadn't heard me.

"Again, Jackson?  Why not?"

"How did you get past security?" Nick asked, looking at Jeff with
suspicion.

"I played the celebrity card."

"Wrong," Nick said.  "That doesn't work in airports."

"Okay, so I bought a ticket," he grinned.  "It was $95.  I'd say it was
worth it just for the stunned faces I see."

Before any of us could say anything else, Jeff took a few shaky steps
towards Drew.  He leaned down and put one arm around his neck and gently
hugged him.

"I missed you, Sprout."

It stuck me that I really hadn't seen the two of them together for over a
month.  I tried, but couldn't even think of a time when they were together
at anything other than a rehearsal or a performance.  It was a sad thing to
realize.

"Thanks, Sugar," Drew whispered.

I got choked up when I saw the tear slide down Drew's face.  Neither Jeff
not Drew had told me exactly what had happened when Jeff visited Drew in
his hospital room before he left.  I probably should have asked more
questions, considering I was the reason the two of them hadn't been friends
for so long, but it never dawned on me to ask.  Judging by what I was
witnessing, I was hoping it was Jeff extending the olive branch.  It
appeared as though Drew was accepting.

"Why don't we go get the luggage and get out of here?" Nick suggested.

Drew looked away and reached up to wipe his face.  I was watching his eyes
and I saw a flash of pain.  Every time I witnessed that it made my heart
ache.  Just when I was forgetting about all the pain and suffering he'd
been through a moment like that would bring it all back.  I wondered if he
would ever be the same again.

"Are you okay?" Nick asked me, obviously noticing my distress.

"Yeah," I lied.

Sensing there was nothing he could do right then, Nick started wheeling his
brother down the long concourse towards baggage claim.  They left me
standing next to Jeff, feeling very vulnerable.  The only thing I could
think of to do was to follow, slowly navigating the way with my crutches.
Jeff hesitated, seemingly not sure if he should stay behind with me or
catch up with Nick and Drew.  A few strides later and he was walking next
to me.

I continued my slow pace.  Nick and Drew were well ahead and out of
earshot.  I asked the question without turning my head.

"Why didn't you say goodbye?"

"For the same reason you didn't call me."

I felt accused but I wasn't sure the reason.

"I had Mike check on you."

"I know.  He didn't say you sent him but he didn't have to.  And, for the
record, I did say goodbye.  I stopped by on the way to the airport but you
were asleep."

"How convenient," I said with a little more vehemence than I intended.

We walked slowly and I cursed my leg.  There was no way to get out of the
situation.  I glanced ahead and saw Nick and Drew waiting for us at the end
of the long line of gates.

"I didn't know what to say," Jeff said.  "I didn't know how I felt about
what had happened.  I couldn't have yet another long conversation about how
it would never work out.  I just didn't have it in me."

"I know.  I'm sorry."

"This is for the best," he said.  "The two of you are meant to be together.
And as long as he treats you the way you deserve we won't have any more
problems."

He stopped walking and in turn so did I.  He reached out and gently touched
my shoulder.

"I'm always going to love you, Alex.  Always."

To be continued...

Send feedback to thack98@comcast.net.