Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2002 22:11:32 -0400
From: Thack <thack98@mindspring.com>
Subject: What I Feel For You 18-21

The legal stuff:  This story is sexually-explicit, involving homosexuality.
Do not continue if this will offend you. If accessing this story causes you
to break local laws (village, town, city, county, province, state, or
country, etc.), please leave now.  By continuing, you implicitly declare and
affirm under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company
of a minor and are entitled to have access to sexually-explicit material.
The content and opinions expressed in this story do not imply anything with
regards to the sexual preference of any member of 98 Degrees or any other
celebrities named herein.  It is a work of fiction entirely.

Okay, I know it's been a long time since I had an installment.  Life
sometimes gets in the way of writing.  I had family visiting for a week and
then I started in a new position at work.  But, I'm back on track now.
Thanks to everyone who has emailed me.  It means more than you probably
realize.  Do me a favor and consider making a donation to support Nifty.  I
think it's a great service and I have made a donation.  Thanks for reading!

Send feedback to: thack98@mindspring.com

Thack


Scene 18


Several days after our Mall of America trip I was sitting in my office,
trying to do my 90- day demand forecast.  I didn't feel much like
calculating numbers but it had to get done.  I had gotten stuck and was
staring intently at my computer.  Having the guys around the last couple of
weeks was distracting but despite my turmoil with Drew, it was nice to have
them there.  Mike even commented that I seemed more outgoing whenever I
talked about them.

"So this is what they pay you for?"

I looked up and saw Jeff and Justin standing in my doorway.

"How'd you get in here?"

"I know people around here," Jeff laughed.

"Yeah," Justin added.  "And I can charm my way into anything."

I laughed and nodded my head in disbelief.  Justin was always cracking me
up.

"There are a couple of things we want to talk to you about," Jeff said.
"That is if we can interrupt you."

"Shoot," I said.

"First," he continued, "We're leaving in two more days."

"I know," I said.  "I saw that someone changed your departure date in the
computer."

"Checking up on us?"

"Yeah," I laughed.  "I've also been checking to see if you've been watching
the dirty movies on pay-per-view."

"I thought you couldn't tell what movie it was," Justin said, slightly
concerned.

"I was joking," I said, smiling broadly.  Despite what anyone tells you,
the hotel always knows what movie you are watching.  For the record,
however, I didn't check out the guys' suite.

"Good, or I might not have given you this."

Justin handed me a large bag.  Inside was a carefully wrapped package,
complete with ribbon.  I looked up only to find Justin and Jeff grinning
from ear to ear.  I shook the box, not really knowing what to find.  Once I
decided it was safe, I ripped open the package.  Inside was a pair of
leather pants, exactly like the ones I'd tried on at the Mall.

"They looked really good on you and I knew you'd never buy them for
yourself," Justin explained.

He was right.  I don't know why, but the gift made me choke up a little.
It wasn't that Justin had spent the money, but rather it was that he had
been watching me that day.  He must have understood how much I liked the
pants.

"Thank you," I smiled.

"Well," Justin said, "they also come with an apology.  I'm sorry I deserted
you that day.  I told I wouldn't do that but I really wanted to buy these
for you."

"So you didn't leave your credit card in the store?"

"No," he confessed.  "I'm sorry that you and Drew got in another fight.  I
feel like it's my fault."

"Wait a minute!  My fight with Drew had nothing to do with you, understand?
It probably would have happened sooner or later.  Did Nick tell you about
it?"

"No," Jeff said.  "Drew told us this morning.  He's been in such a rotten
mood since then.  Apparently Nick laid into him pretty good for how he'd
been treating you.  I wish I'd had been there because that's the last thing
Drew needs right now.  He's still upset, Alex."

I didn't say what was on my mind because Justin was there.  I wanted to
tell Jeff that I was glad that Drew was upset.  I was hoping that Drew
would wise up and start treating people with respect.

Before anyone could say anything else, Justin's cell phone started ringing.

"Hello?"  After a brief pause he put his hand over the receiver and said,
"Sorry, guys.  I have to take this.  I'm going to run back upstairs.  I'll
talk to you later, Alex."

With Justin gone I felt a little more at ease.  I sincerely liked Justin
but I didn't have the connection with him that I did with Jeff.

"I'm probably not going to see you again, am I?"

Jeff looked at me funny.  "Why do you think that?  You can't get rid of me
that easily."

"I just figured that with your lifestyle you wouldn't have time for me.  I
wouldn't blame you."

"What do you think, Alex?  Do you really think I travel from city to city
putting people in the hospital, ultimately befriending them, and then walk
away?"

I laughed.

"Good," he said.  "Now that that's taken care of, there is something else I
need to talk to you about."

"What is it?"

"I know you said no blind dates but."

"Jeff!" I interrupted.

He ignored me.  "But I have someone in mind for you.  He's associated with
us so he'll be leaving in two days, too.  There's no pressure, Alex.  It's
just dinner tomorrow night.  I know you don't want to do this, but you need
to start seeing people."

My mind was racing and my heart was beating faster than normal.  Jeff was
right.  I was scared to say yes but after everything I'd been through in
the last couple of weeks I knew it was time.

"Mike would kill me if I said no," I said.

"Don't do this for Mike."

"I know," I said quietly.  "I'm just scared, that's all.  I've never really
done this, Jeff."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, your date is pretty inexperienced
also."

I started laughing.  "I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing."

"As long as you do what comes naturally, you'll be fine."

We set up a meeting place for the next night.  Jeff promised to meet me
there early to give me a pep talk.  He also knew that if he wasn't there, I
was likely to cancel or not show up at all.

After Jeff left, I sat at my desk, again staring at the computer screen.

"Shit!" I thought.  "What have I gotten myself into?"


Scene 19a


During my lunch break on the day of my blind date I went over the gym to
talk to Mike.  I really needed some encouragement and I knew he was the man
to talk to.  I had told Sharon about my date and she was excited for me but
she didn't really know all my history so she couldn't assure me like I
needed.

"Hey, Aaron," I said as I approached the personal training desk.  "Is Mike
around?"

"He's around here somewhere.  I think he has a client scheduled in about 40
minutes so he couldn't have gone too far."

Aaron was the Fitness Director at the gym.  He was also Mike's boss.  I
didn't know him too well but he seemed like a decent guy.  He also happened
to be drop-dead gorgeous.  Although I never mentioned it to Mike, I had a
crush on Aaron from the first day I saw him.  Aaron is your stereotypical
Minnesotan: blond hair and blue eyes.  He also has the physique of a Greek
god.  I always get a little tongue-tied around him.

"Mind if I wait for Mike?"

"Of course not," he smiled.  "Mike told me about your accident.  How are
you feeling?"

"Well, I don't know if I'd call it an accident but I'm almost back to
normal," I commented.  "I think I'll be able to get back here for shoulder
workouts next week, although it will have to be light."

"So, was it really Jeff Timmons of 98 Degrees that hit you?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to sue?"

Something about his comment rubbed me the wrong way but I let it go.  "No,"
I said.  "It was just a misunderstanding.  Jeff is a good guy.  I've had
the opportunity to hang out with the guys.  Nick and Justin are cool, too."

"And Drew?"

Aaron must have been a fan if he knew the guys' names.  "Drew and I don't
see eye to eye.  Let's just leave it at that."

"Hey, Alex.  What are you doing here?" Mike said as he walked up to the
desk.

"Can I talk to you?"  I paused.  "In private?"

Mike looked to Aaron.  Aaron just nodded and we walked towards Aaron's
office.  Being the Fitness Director, Aaron had the only office but he
always let the other trainers use it if needed.

"Thanks, Aaron," I said.

"No problem," he smiled as we walked away.

We got to the office and Mike closed the door.  I sat in the chair and he
sat on the edge of the desk.

"So?"

"I have a date tonight," I said sheepishly.

Mike just about fell off the desk when I said it.

"No shit!"

"Charming," I said.

"Sorry.  I'm just a little surprised.  Who are you going to see?"

"Get this one.  It's a blind date."

"No shit!" he said again.

I laughed.  "Somehow Jeff convinced me.  Don't ask me how."

"I've got to hand it to him.  He did what I couldn't all these years."

"Well," I grinned.  "I never tried to kiss you."

"Funny," he said sarcastically.  "Do you have any idea?"

"I think it's probably their publicist.  Jeff said it was someone
associated with the group and that he'd be leaving with the guys at the end
of the week.  And Nick told me their publicist is gay."

"Are you nervous?"

"I'm terrified Mike.  I haven't eaten all day."

"You're not going to back down, though.  Are you?"

"Why do you think I'm here?" I asked.  "I'm looking for a little
encouragement."

"How about if you don't go I'll make you do pull-ups for an entire
workout."

I glared at him, letting him know that wasn't the kind of encouragement I
was looking for.

"Seriously, Alex.  This is something you've wanted at least since I've met
you.  You may not always like to admit it, but I know you want to find
someone."  He looked at me and grinned, trying to reassure me.  "Besides,
it's only a date.  It's not like your going to fall in love and settle down
with this guy."

I slowly nodded, realizing he was right.  "After all," I thought, "after
trying to kiss Jeff, this really isn't that big a deal."

"So," he interrupted my thoughts.  "How'd I do?"

"Good," I said.  "It's only a date.  Thanks, Mike.  I should get back to
work."

"Promise me you'll call me tonight when you get home.  I don't care how
late it is, okay?"

"Okay."


Scene 19b


I spent about an hour deciding what to wear to my first official date.  I
tried on about six different outfits and finally decided to go casual.  I
chose a pair of slacks and a royal blue polo shirt with a subtle design.
Aside from the suits I wore to work, I didn't really have much to wear.
For a split second I thought about wearing the leather pants Justin had
bought for me but then I realized I'd stick out like a sore thumb here in
Minnesota.  I hoped I'd picked the right thing.

Jeff told me to meet him outside the hotel.  I thought it was odd that he
didn't want me to go up to his room, but I was too preoccupied to question
him.

"Looking good," he commented when he saw he walk up to him.

"Really?"

He laughed.  "Yes, you look good."

Neither of us said anything as we walked to the meeting place.  I chose a
place Downtown called the Crystal Court to meet.  Jeff wasn't too excited
with the idea but I wanted a really public place.  The Crystal Court is a
huge atrium in one of the office towers.  Surrounding the courtyard are a
couple of restaurants and some retail places like the Gap and Banana
Republic.  The Crystal Court also happens to be the site where Mary Tyler
Moore throws up her hat in the opening of the Mary Tyler Moore Show.

"Are you ready for this?" Jeff asked.

"As ready as I'll ever be.  I went over to see Mike this afternoon and he
helped me put things in perspective.  It's just a date, right?"

"Exactly," he said.  Jeff put one hand on my arm and squeezed.  "I should
probably go now.  Don't worry, Alex.  This is a good thing."

I took a deep breath as he walked away.

"Wait!" I called after him.  "What's this guy's name?"

"Don't worry," he called back.  "He knows who you are.  Have a good time."

I stood there, feeling kind of dumb not knowing whom I was waiting for.  I
listened to the water fall in the fountain and watched the people going
from store to store.  I turned toward the door where Jeff and I came in and
I spotted Drew.  He was wearing a dark blue suit and button-down shirt
without a tie.  It was one of the first times I'd seen him without a cap
on.

"Great!" I said out loud.  I turned my back to him, hoping he hadn't seen
me.  Moments later I heard footsteps right behind me.

"Alex?"

I turned around.  "What is it, Drew?  I'm not about to get into it right
now."

"But."

"Look," I said.  "Jeff set me up on a date and I'm here to meet him."

"I know," he said.

"I don't care if you disapprove of me.  I'm not about to take any more of
your condemnation so why don't you just leave."

"You don't understand."

"What don't I understand," I asked.

He smiled and said, "You're here to meet me."

"What?"

"Do I really need to spell it out for you?"

My mind was having a hard time wrapping around what Drew was saying.  I
started to run over bits and pieces of all the conversations I'd had with
Drew, trying to figure it out.

"Drew?" I stammered.  "You're."

"I'm gay," he said.


Scene 20a


"You're gay?" I said a little too loudly.

He nodded his head as we both realized how many people were in earshot.

"Maybe we don't want to be having this conversation in public," I said.

"I can't go back to the hotel."

"Why not?" I asked.

"I just can't."

"Okay.  Do you want to go to my place?  It's just a couple of blocks from
here."

"Well," he said hesitantly.

"Oh my God, Drew.  I wasn't implying anything," I stammered.  "I just
thought it would be a quiet place where we could talk."

"No," he laughed.  "That's not what I was thinking.  It's just that I know
how you feel about me and I don't want to make you uncomfortable by being
in your house."

"With your little revelation, I have a feeling this was all just a big
misunderstanding.  Chances are I'll be apologizing before the night is
through."

"Please don't say that."

"Come on," I said, pulling him toward the door.  Out of the corner of my
eye I saw Jeff trying to look inconspicuous.  I'm glad he was there
watching over us.  I wondered if he was there primarily for Drew or for me.

We started walking up Nicollet Mall to my condo.  It was a nice late summer
evening.  Neither of us spoke for couple of minutes.  Finally, I broke the
silence.

"Drew?  How long have you known?"

"Not very long.  Just over a year."

"And how do you feel?" I asked.

"God, I don't know," he sighed.  "For as long as I could remember I've felt
like something was wrong with me.  Whenever I felt that way I tried even
harder to push them away.  I was living with this girl, my high school
sweetheart, actually.  I loved her.  I still do, but I knew deep down that
it wasn't right.  I wasn't attracted to her sexually and I hated myself for
leading her to believe I was.  One night, I decided to stop lying to
myself.  That was the worst night of my life."

"I know," I said, remembering back to the day I came out to myself.  It was
the day before my 19th birthday-a birthday I'll never forget.

We walked in silence for a while.  I really wasn't sure what to say but I
got the feeling that Drew wasn't looking for words right then.

We finally got to my building but I stopped at the door.  I turned and
looked at Drew.

"Drew," I asked, "why did you let me think you were a homophobic bastard?"

He cracked a smile.  "Nice choice of words."

"Sorry," I said.

"Think about what happened between us.  You're the one who was making all
the assumptions.  I actually did very little talking.  I think my exact
words were, 'I just don't want to talk about being gay.'  Get it?" he
asked.  "I wasn't talking about you.  I didn't want to talk about me being
gay."

The light bulb went off in my head.  "And then you tried to explain at the
Mall but I wouldn't let you.  You kept saying I didn't understand you."

Drew smiled and opened the door.  Walking to the elevators, I said, "I'm
sorry, Drew."

Without looking at me he said, "I know you are."


Scene 20b


Once we got up to my condo I realized I needed to clean.  It wasn't that
bad but I was a little embarrassed.

"Don't worry about it," Drew assured me.  "After all, we have a maid every
day and our suite still looks worse than this."

I went in to the kitchen to try to make something for dinner.  I'm not a
gourmet chef but I do all right for a single guy.  The refrigerator was
looking a little lean but I did find all the ingredients for a baked pasta
and spinach dish I make every once in a while.  As I was making a salad I
heard Drew looking through my CD collection.

"Okay, Alex," he called.  "Explain this to me.  Why do you have more *NSync
albums than 98 Degrees ones?"

"No comment," I yelled back.

A couple of minutes later I heard him playing a CD I hadn't listened to in
years.  It was a CD of some friends of mine from college.  They were in an
a capella group and somehow they scraped up enough money to make the disc.
I walked into the living room and almost said something until I saw Drew.
He was sitting on the couch with his eyes closed, carefully studying the
music.  I stood and watched him until the song ended.

He looked over his shoulder and saw me standing there.  "It's pretty good.
Are you singing on there?"

I burst out into laughter just as the next song started playing.  "No," I
said.  "You definitely don't ever want to hear me sing.  Those were some
friends of mine from college.  I don't even know if any of them still sing
but they were really popular back in school.  I did do some arranging for
them.  Track 8.  'Desperado'."

"Wow!" Drew said, somewhat surprised.  "I didn't know you arranged."

"There's a lot about me you don't know, but after today's announcement I
guess I could say the same about you.  I was a music major in college.  My
senior thesis was on conducting and arranging.  I did mostly instrumental
music but I took a crack at vocal also."

I ran back into the kitchen to check on dinner.  I heard Drew skip to track
8.  I didn't want to go back into the living room for fear what he was
thinking about the arrangement.

When the song was over he showed up in the kitchen.  He jumped up and sat
on the counter, smiling at me.

"That was really good."

"Thanks,' I said.

"No, I really mean it.  It was much better than that first track."

"The guys did most of their own arranging," I explained.  "Unfortunately,
they didn't know a lot about voice leading.  Parallel motion and open
fifths didn't seem to bother them."

"It was pretty complicated."

"Yeah," I laughed.  "They always wanted me to thin out my arrangements but
I never did it.  That's probably why they only did one or two of my songs
at each concert."

"Do you still do it?"

"No," I said as I shook my head.

"Why not?"

"After I graduated I didn't have anyone to write for so it just kind of
slipped away.  I honestly haven't thought about it for a couple of years."

"You should arrange something for us."

I laughed.  "Sure, Drew," I said sarcastically.

"I'm serious, Alex."

I shook my head in disbelief as I handed him the plates.  He turned and
walked out to the dining room.

We had a nice time at dinner, although both of us were trying very hard to
not talk about being gay.  Drew was helping me clear the plates from the
table.  We were both standing in the kitchen when I decided I couldn't
ignore it any more.

"Drew," I asked, "Do the guys know you're gay?"

"Jeff does, obviously, or I wouldn't be here.  I told Justin a couple of
weeks ago.  Honestly, I don't think he cares.  I'm glad he doesn't have a
problem with it but at the same time I kind of wish it was a bigger deal to
him.  It almost felt like he didn't care about me at all."

"I'm sure that's not it."

"I know," Drew said.  "But that's how it felt."

"Nick told me about your cousin being gay.  Have you told him?  His name's
Matt, right?"

"No, I haven't told Matt."

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because he will tell Nick."

"What?" I said.  "You haven't told Nick?  I just assumed he was the first
person you would have told."

I looked right into Drew's eyes and I saw what could only be described as
fear.

"I can't tell him," he whispered.

"Why?  You see how he treats me.  And, from what he told me he accepts
Matt."

Drew's eyes began to fill with tears.  "That's precisely it.  I can't go
through what Matt went through with Nick."  His tears began to slowly fall
down his cheeks.  "I can't lose him."

"I'm sorry, Drew.  I know this is a lot to talk about in one night," I said
quietly.  "You can explain when or if you're ready.  I'll always be here to
you."

Drew must have been holding his breath because he let out a sigh.  Then he
stepped forward and fell into my arms.  I hugged him tight as he rested his
head on my shoulder and cried.  I slowly rubbed his back.  We stood like
that for a long time and although I must have imagined it, I thought I felt
his heart beating against my chest.

More than anything I wanted to kiss him.  I wanted our lips to meet.  I
wanted to show him what I was feeling.  I hoped a kiss would make him feel
better.  I let my hand creep up his back until it rested on the nape of his
neck.  I gently massaged his neck and let my fingers stroke his hair.

Just as I was about to make a move to kiss him, my head took over.  I
suddenly realized that Drew wasn't prepared for that, not from me right
then.  I gently released him and he looked up at me.  The tears had
stopped.

"Let me walk you back to the hotel," I said as I gently smiled.


Scene 21


The moon was nearly full but it was slowly disappearing behind the clouds.
Every so often, it would appear again, seeming to light up the night.  I
could tell it was going to storm that night.  I could smell the humidity.
Drew and I were walking back to the hotel.  My mind was fixated on the
moment I almost kissed him.  Everything was happening too fast.

"Alex, can I ask you a personal question?"

My mind snapped back to the present.  I didn't know how to answer his
question.  I wanted to be honest with him after he came out to me, but I
wasn't ready to talk about my inexperience with men.  "Go ahead," I said
hesitantly.

"When did you figure out you were gay?"

"The day before my nineteenth birthday."

"Will you tell me what happened?"

"Why do you want to know?" I asked.  "You really shouldn't try to compare
your situation with mine.  Everyone deals with it differently."

"I know," he said, "but I've never talked to another gay man about it.  I
just want to hear your story so I don't go crazy thinking I'm the only
person that's ever been through this."  He stopped walking for a second and
grabbed my arm.  "I'm sorry," he added.  "You don't have to tell me if you
don't want to."

"No," I said as we started walking again.  "It's not that.  I'm just not
sure you'll want to hear everything I went through.  Some of it was pretty
bad."

I looked over at him and saw a deep concern in his eyes.

"You asked for it," I laughed nervously.  "Like I said, it was the day
before my nineteenth birthday.  I had known for a number of years before
that but I never allowed myself to admit it.  I was at home, back in
California.  It was the first summer after my freshman year at college.  I
don't remember what triggered it, but I decided it was time I owned up to
who I was.  That's where it gets complicated."

"Coming out wasn't complicated enough?" Drew asked incredulously.

"No.  See, all through high school I'd been drinking pretty heavily.  I
knew something was different about me and it made me very uncomfortable.
The only way I could figure out how to dull the pain was by drinking.
Well, drinking and music.  I don't know if I would have graduated if I
wasn't involved in band in high school.  Although I never would have seen
it at the time, I was a functioning alcoholic in high school.  My senior
year I met this guy named Tom.  I suppose I fell for him but I didn't see
it.  Tom was the first person who saved me."

"How?"

"He got me to realize what the alcohol was doing to me.  He didn't preach
but somehow he managed to get the message across.  Instead of just telling
me to stop drinking, he showed me.  He made a pact with me and we both
stopped drinking.  He only drank occasionally.  He certainly didn't have a
problem with it, but it helped.  I'd never had anyone do anything like that
for me before."  I stopped for a second, realizing I hadn't really thought
about Tom for a number of years.  "He was always talking about getting out
of our hometown and going away for college.  His enthusiasm about college
rubbed off on me.  He's the reason I ended up in Minnesota instead of back
home."

"Did he come out here, too?"

"No," I said.  "He went to George Washington University in DC."

"Do you ever talk to him?"

"No.  We kept in touch for a couple of years after high school.  Last I
heard he was working for some telecommunications company.  I wish I knew
where he was because I'd like him to know how important he was to me."

"You should track him down," Drew said.  "I can help if you want."

"Thanks, but I don't think that's a good idea.  I never told him I'm gay.
He's a very religious man and I don't think he would accept me.  I can't go
through that again."

"What do you mean 'again'?"

"Once I figured out I was gay I was pretty devastated.  I had grown up in a
town were being gay simply wasn't tolerated.  The environment I was living
in at the time was extremely homophobic.  Simply put, I was convinced there
was something wrong with me and I was going to hell."

"People said that to you?"

I took a deep breath before I continued.  "Not directly to me.  No one knew
I was gay but I had heard people say some pretty unbelievable things about
gays in general."

"How did you deal with that?" he asked.

"I didn't at first.  The rest of that summer I was numb.  I was depressed
every waking hour.  I wanted to kill myself but I didn't, for whatever
reason."

"Oh my God, Alex."

"I know.  The only thing keeping me going was college.  I knew I just had
to make it through the summer and I could regroup once I got back to
school.  When I got back here to Minnesota, the first night I went to find
my best friend, Scott.  He was a football player and he had been back at
school for two weeks for training camp.  We were roommates so I waited for
him get home that night.  He was exhausted from practice but he knew
something was wrong.  It took me a long time to speak, but I finally came
out."

"And?"

"And at first I thought things were okay," I said.  "Scott's exact words
were: 'It doesn't matter to me.  I don't care if you're gay.'"

"That's what I said to you when you came to see Jeff that day."

I nodded.  "Exactly.  But it did matter to him.  Two days later he came to
me and said he couldn't live with me anymore.  He made up some excuse but
he insisted that it wasn't because I was gay.  You know, if he had told me
he was uncomfortable living with me I probably could have dealt with it,
but he lied to me."

"So when I said that to you, you were hearing Scott," Drew said to himself.

"Right.  And that's when I started drinking again.  Only, this time it was
much worse."

"I've had it easy," Drew said.

"Don't say that!  I told you that you can't compare my life with your
life."

"But I have Jeff.  When I came out to him, he stood beside me 100 percent.
I can't imagine going through this alone."

"I haven't been alone, Drew.  Granted, I was in the beginning, but I did
manage to find some friends in college who supported me.  And I have Mike.
Once I moved up here to Minneapolis and started hanging out with him,
things changed.  He valued me for who I was and he helped me get my life in
order.  He's the one who convinced me to get into recovery.  I've been
sober for three years and seven months."

"Wow!  That's awesome, Alex."  Suddenly a look of heartbreak came across
Drew's face.  "Shit!  I'm sorry."

"For what?" I asked.

"That night at the restaurant.  You said you didn't want any wine and there
I was trying to force it on you.  I'm so sorry."

"You didn't know, Drew."

"I can only imagine what you were thinking."

"Let's just put it this way," I said laughing.  "If Jeff hadn't been there
to grab my leg under the table, I probably would have lunged at you."

"It's not funny, Alex," he said quite seriously.

"I know it's not, but sometimes the only way I can get through things like
this is to laugh."

"It's no wonder you've been so angry at me.  Look at all the things I did
wrong."

I stopped walking and turned to face him.  "You didn't know, Drew.  I
certainly didn't give you the benefit of the doubt.  In fact, I made a lot
of assumptions about you.  I should know better than to do that."  Since we
had stopped walking, I took a moment to look around.  I suddenly realized
we were about five blocks past the hotel.  "Drew, do you realize where we
are?"

"Yeah, but you were talking and I didn't want to interrupt.  You seemed to
need to say a lot of that."

"Maybe you're right.  I've never told anyone that all at once before.  Mike
knows everything, but I told it to him in bits and pieces.  Drew, can I ask
you a huge favor?"

"Sure."

"You can say no and I'll completely understand but it's about Mike.  When
he found out I was going on a date tonight, he made me promise to tell him
what happened.  Now, I won't tell him it's you if you don't want me to, but
I'd like to.  I swear it won't go beyond me and him."

"Do you trust him that much?"

"With my life."

"Okay."

"That's means the world to me," I said.  I really don't think Drew
understood what he had just done for me.  My relationship with Mike was the
most important thing in my life at that time and the thought of not being
able to tell Mike about Drew was tough.

"Come on," I said.  "Let's get you back to the hotel.  I think it's going
to rain."

We started back towards the hotel and it did indeed start to rain a little.
We were about 200 yards from the hotel when I heard a loud clap of thunder.
Suddenly, the skies opened up and it began to pour.  We took off running,
both of us laughing as we reached the front door of the hotel.

Once we got inside, I rushed Drew through the lobby to the elevators.  I
didn't want to run into any of my co-workers.  I didn't know what I would
say if someone asked me what I was doing with Drew so late at night.

When we were alone in the elevator, Drew looked at me and said, "Thanks for
tonight."

"It was quite an evening."

As the elevator ascended, Drew quietly reached over and grabbed my hand.  I
looked straight ahead of me and watched his reflection in the polished
brass doors of the elevator.  He was looking down at his feet, almost
bashful, but he still held my hand.  It felt wonderful, like we had shared
something that most of the world couldn't.  I wanted to say something but
the words escaped me.  Finally, I decided to gently squeeze his hand,
hoping he would understand.

The elevator stopped and the doors began to open.  I let go of Drew's hand
when I saw him.  I glanced over at Drew and realized that we were standing
very close together.  Drew was the first one to speak and I could here the
surprise in his voice.

"Nick!"


To be continued.

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