Date: Thu, 09 Mar 2000 13:55:58 -0800 (PST)
From: tonny aspire <aspire34@go.com>
Subject: After When You Say Nothing At All

Author notes:

I wrote this part in the beginning of January this year. But I never posted to
Nifty until now. I let some of my readers to read this part [I know, sounds not
fair to some people, I'm sorry], after having a lot of thinking. I decided to
send this story to Nifty.  Again this chapter is previously unreleased chapter
on Nifty and the continuation of 'When You Say Nothing At All (Final)'.


Disclaimer
This story is involving homosexuality.  Do not continue if this will offend you.
If accessing this story causes you to break local laws, please leave now. By
continuing, you implicitly declare and affirm under penalties of perjury that
you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access
to sexually explicit material.  The content and opinions expressed in this story
do not imply anything with regards to the sexual preference of any member of any
celebrities named herein.  It is a work of fiction entirely. The author takes no
responsibility for anyone's actions based upon this work of fiction

#################################
After When You Say Nothing At All
#################################


I opened my eyes as I saw a bright light in front of me.  The next thing I know
I was totally awake.  I was so happy that it was only a dream.  I don't know
why, but the room was so crowded.

"Yo! Chris," I called him happily but he didn't answer me.  He just looked down.
"Chris!" again no response from him.  So I moved to AJ.

"AJ! Helooooo!" I waved my hand in front of his face, but he ignored me.  I saw
him, and he tried to hold something in his eyes.  By now I was so confused.
Then I saw the others, I looked at Nick first, and he was crying.

'Why on earth is he crying?' I asked myself.

I looked at all the guys in the room; everybody was crying.

"CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?" I screamed out loud.

"They can't hear you," I heard a voice.

"Huh? Who's that?" I looked around but no one was talking to me.

"NOOOOOOOOO," Justin screamed on the top of his lungs.

No one in the room could hold their tears anymore, as the machine made a long
beep sound.  In a second, I noticed Justin's voice, and I found him near the
bed, hugging someone close to him.  I was stunned as I saw Justin hugging me, my
dead body, in his arms and crying.  Then I realized what just happened.  I shook
my head in disbelief.

"How...How could it be...possible?" my voice was shaking.

"You're already dead," the mysterious voice said again.

"And what am I doing here?" I cried.

"You can't go yet, Ton.  You still have unfinished business.  When you are done
then you can go," the voice replied.

"What business?!?" I asked again.

"You know what you will do, my son." Then the voice gone.

"NO! I don't know, pleaseeee tell me," I spoke up sternly, and I waited for
couple minutes but no answer.

"COME ON! DON'T DO THIS TO ME AGAIN!" I cried harder, "PLEASE TELL ME!
Pleaseeee," I dropped to my knees and yet still no answer.

"SHIT! I HATE THIS! I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE ALREADY! EVEN WHEN I AM DEAD, I STILL
HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS AGAIN?" I screamed, "THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!!"

"I'm tired! Pleaseeee, I'm so tired of this," I said calmly but still sobbing.

Suddenly Nick ran out passing me.  Nick was running, passing through my body.

"Nickkkk!" Howie tried to catch him but was stopped by AJ.  AJ shook his head to
Howie.

"Justin, he is gone," Dr. Stephen said softly as he turned the machine off then
tried to take my body from Justin.  But Justin held me tight.

"NO, please leave me alone," Justin said in tears as he rocked our bodies back
and forth.  Kevin saw this sadly; as a matter of fact, everybody in this room
was so sad.  Then Kevin stood up from his chair.

"Ton...I love you...I'm...I'm so sorry," Justin stammered as he was still
holding and rocking me.  "I'm sorry, please come back," Justin kissed me.

"Doc, just leave him alone for awhile," Kevin said to Dr. Stephen, "I think we
all should leave him alone," Kevin said to everybody.  I saw Kevin's eyes full
of pain and sadness.

I stood up from the floor, as everybody was leaving the room.  Kevin was the
last one but he stopped and turned.

"Justin, he knows that you still love him," Kevin said softly to Justin who was
still rocking back and forth with my body.

"Kevin," I called him but he couldn't hear me.  I tried to touch him but I just
passed through his body.  Then Kevin left the room.  Leaving Justin and me
alone.

I was standing beside him as he kept rocking my dead body.

"Ton...I do love you, please forgive me.  I want you, I love you," Justin
whispered in my ears.

"I forgive you, Just.  Don't beat yourself up," I said to him, but again he
couldn't hear me.  I was so sad and desperate, seeing Justin like that, like he
was losing his mind already.

'God, please help me, what should I do? I can't touch him, and he can't hear
me.' I said in confusion.

I sat next to Justin, accompanying him, as he held my dead body and kept saying
that he still loves me.  Tears were welling up on my eyes, seeing my loved one
in sadness, and now I couldn't do anything at all.

Meanwhile outside the room, the guys, Lynn and Jonathan were waiting; they were
all silent.  It was nearly midnight, so Lynn took Jonathan home since he was
pretty tired from the whole day's experience.  Lynn left Justin with the guys.

It was 3am already, Justin had been holding my death body for four hours
already.  Chris and the guys finally found the courage to persuade Justin to
leave my body.

"Justin, you should go home, it's been four hours already," Chris said calmly.
Justin didn't reply but kept holding my body and rocking back and forth.

"Justin...please, you can't do anything at all," JC spoke.

"Yeah, it's too late, Just." Nick added sadly.  Justin still didn't respond at
all.  I sat next to him worried, seeing Justin like that.

Then Kevin bravely tried to separate my body from Justin's hug.  First, Justin
was reluctant to release my body, but as he looked Kevin in his eyes, he finally
let my body go.  A minute later, Justin fainted, that made me even more worried.

"Justinnnnn!" JC screamed as he managed to hold his body before falling,
everybody was even more panicky.

"Shit! Someone, quick, call a doctor," Chris ordered.  Then Brian ran as quickly
as possible, screaming for a doctor or a nurse.

"Justin, wake up!" Lance slapped Justin's face lightly.

"Please, Justin...No! You can't," I said sternly.

In five minutes, the medical staffs came to the room and took Justin away.  I
ran to follow them.

After a few minutes:

"How is he, doc?" Brian asked impatiently.

"Don't worry, guys.  He is so exhausted, he needs a lot of rest.  So my advice,
leave him alone okay," the doctor smiled at them and left the room.

"Okay, we are all tired, and we also can't leave Justin alone.  So my suggestion
is that some of us should go home and rest, and some of us are going to stay
here," Kevin said.

"That sounds good, Kev. Ummm, thanks guys, you helped us a lot today," JC
thanked the BSB gang.

"No problem.  So Chris, Nick, and I are going to stay here.  The rest can go
home, and we'll see you in six hours," Kevin said.  I know that he was pretty
tired too, somehow he took charge of everything.

"Can I..." Brian spoke.

"Brian, you do what I said! GO HOME!" Kevin said sternly, Brian just looked
down.  "Be back at 9 when it'll be your turn to keep Justin company," Kevin
added.  Brian nodded.  Then six of them left the hospital.

"Okay, Chris, Nick, let's wait outside.  Meanwhile, I need to fill in some
forms," Kevin sighed.  I smiled for them as they left the room.

Yeah, I stayed in the room, seeing Justin peacefully sleeping.

"Don't worry, Just, I am going to stay with you in here," I kissed his cheek.


##### THE NEXT DAY 08:48 #####

Brian, Howie, and AJ came back to the hospital where they found Kevin, Chris,
and Nick asleep on the chairs.

"Guys! Wake up," AJ shook all of them lightly.  Kevin was the first one to
awaken, followed by Nick and Chris.

"Oohh, morning guys," Kevin replied.

"I brought you some coffee," Howie said and gave them each a cup.

"Thanks, guys," Chris replied as he took a sip of his coffee.

"Ummm how is he?" Brian asked.

"He is fine, he is still sleeping," Nick said without looking at Brian.

A few minutes later, Joey, JC, Lance, Lynn, and Jonathan came.

"Morning!" JC greeted them.

"Hi!" Chris replied.

"How is my son?" Lynn worriedly.

"He's okay. He's still sleeping, Lynn." Kevin answered.

All of them took a seat and looked down in silence as they were still in
mourning.

"So how is the plan?" Lance finally spoke up.

"I hope, Justin will get better today, because we are going to have Tony's
funeral tomorrow.  I arranged for everything already," Kevin explained sadly.

"Tomorrow?" Joey sighed.  Kevin just nodded.

Nick let out his tears again as he sipped his coffee.  Kevin, who sat next to
him, tried to comfort him.

######

Meanwhile, inside, I still lay down next to Justin, unfortunately he couldn't
sense me.  I didn't sleep, not even for a minute, I just kept watching Justin,
next to me, sleeping like an angel.

"TONNNNNYYYYYYYYY!" Justin screamed all of a sudden.  I was shocked as hell.  He
sat up on the bed shaking, and I didn't know what to do.

Good thing, all the guys outside heard the screams, they all barged into the
room, including Lynn and Jonathan.  I stood up next to the bed, watching
everybody looking confused as they saw Justin rocking back and forth on the bed.

"Justin, honey, what's wrong? You scared us," Lynn came to the bed and hugged
her son.

"Where is he?" Justin whispered as he cried again.  No one answered him.

"WHERE IS HE?" Justin screamed and broke the hug with his mom.

"I'm here, Just. I'm here," I spoke up, but of course he couldn't hear me.

"I want to see him, pleaseeee?" Justin begged, again no one answered but looked
down. "Kev?" Justin looked Kevin for answer.  Kevin walked closer to Justin.

"He is resting, Just," Kevin replied sadly.  Then Kevin hugged my Justin for
support. "He is resting peacefully; leave him alone."  Justin cried on Kevin's
shoulder.

"Kev, I'm so sorry," Justin stammered in tears.

"Yeah, I know," Kevin pulled Justin away and put his hands on Justin's shoulders
and looked him in the eyes, "Let's go home, okay? We will have a long day
tomorrow."

##### THE NEXT DAY, AFTER THE FUNERAL #####

Lynn opened the door, they were all wearing black, after Lynn and Jonathan went
in, Justin and the guys from Nsync followed.  Justin had been silent since the
funeral ended, he didn't take off his sunglasses.

"Justin, are you okay?" Lynn approached her son.

"I'm going to my room, mom." Justin replied softly.

"Just..." JC called him.

"Please, I just want to sleep okay," Justin added, Chris grab his shoulder
before Justin went upstairs.

"Okay, don't be hard on yourself," Chris said nicely to him, Justin nodded.

Justin left the others.  As he was walking to his room, he didn't know that I
was still by his side.  We entered his room, and Justin sat on his bed for a few
moments.  Then he went to his closet to look for something.  He took out a blue
shirt, the shirt that I bought for him when we met in Perth.  He changed from
his black suit to that blue shirt, then he opened a drawer and took out some
photos.  He laid down on his bed.  They were photos from when we were in Bali.
Justin giggled a little seeing some pictures of me and him.  Then the smile
faded from his face as tears slipped from his blue eyes.  After awhile, he
finally fell asleep.

"Take care, Justin." I kissed his cheek and left his room.


I left the house, and I didn't know what to do, so I decided to go to Kevin's
house.

As I arrived, I saw the guys arriving in two cars.  None were happy at all.
They went in, and I followed behind them but stopped as Kevin stopped in the
middle of his steps.  He saw his house so empty, the guys noticed the sudden
change in him.

"Kev, we are so sorry," AJ said, Kevin wiped his tears and nodded.

They were all sitting in the living room, Brian went to the kitchen to make some
drinks.  After five minutes, Nick got up and turned on the TV, he set up his
playstation and tried to find his game.  Everyone was confused by Nick's
actions.  Nick started the game.  I didn't know why, but Nick had teary eyes as
he was playing the game.

"Nick, turn the game off," Kevin said.  But Nick kept playing as a single tear
slipped from his eye.  Kevin stood up.

"NICK! I SAID TURN THAT DAMN GAME OFF AND CLEAN UP THE MESS!" Kevin yelled.

Then Nick dropped his game controller and turned off the TV.  He stood up and
looked to Kevin.

"He said you wouldn't be mad at me," Nick spoke up. "Tony wouldn't yell at me;
he said he likes me playing these games," Nick said in tears.

Kevin was stunned hearing what Nick said.  He remembered that I asked him to
take care Nick.  Kevin walked to Nick and hugged him.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry Nick." Kevin apologized as he cried on Nick's shoulder.

"I miss him, Kev." Nick sobbed.

"We all miss him," Kevin whispered.  The others just watched the two of them in
awe.  Kevin pulled away from the hug and wiped his tears away. "Why don't we all
have something to eat okay? Then I'll play a game with you," Kevin smiled at
Nick.  Nick wiped his tears and nodded.

All of them went to the kitchen, and I was so happy seeing them all.  I didn't
know why, and I couldn't describe it.

I left Kevin's house, but I was still here, in this world.  I didn't know what
to do anymore so I walked back to Justin's.

It was 10pm already, the house seemed so quiet.  I guessed that everybody was
already sleeping.  I went straight to Justin's room, thinking he was sleeping,
but he wasn't.

He sat on his bed, still wearing the same shirt.  He stared to the empty wall.
I just sat next to him and stared, but I stared at him instead of the wall.
After an hour or so, he stood up and took his leather jacket and walked out of
his room.  He went to the guestroom, across from his own room, the place that I
used to sleep.  Justin just stood by the door, seeing the empty bed.  Then he
went downstairs and took his car key.

'Where the hell is he going this late?' I asked myself, so I followed him.

Outside, he opened the garage and started the engine of his Mercedes.

"Justin! Where are you going?" I asked him, but stupid me, he couldn't hear me.
So I went with him, he was driving slowly, and I took a seat next to him.  After
driving for half an hour, finally he stopped.

"Cemetary?" I asked.

Justin kept walking and stopped on my grave.  He dropped himself on top my
grave, even I could still smell the fresh soil.

"Ton, I miss you...I'm so sorry.  I love you." He cried and made me cry too.

"I love you too, Just." I said.

"Pleaseeeeee...I love you, I wanna go with you," Justin continued, his last word
nearly gave me a heart attack.

"No! NO ! NO! YOU DON'T!" I screamed, "JUSTIN! DON'T BE STUPID!"

"Please?" he cried even more.

'Shit! I have to do something,' I told myself.

"God, please help me! Just this once, please take care of him," I said to Him,
"Justin! Wait!" I said to him but of course he didn't hear me.

I quickly ran as fast as I could, I thought I could fly like a ghost in the
movies but I couldn't.

Finally I arrived at Kevin's house again, I went upstairs to check on the guys,
first I went to Brian's room.  He was sleeping already; I saw Justin's picture
in a frame on his nightstand.  Then I moved to AJ's room; I knew that he was so
tired from the past couple of days, because he was asleep, still in his suit.  I
moved myself to Howie; I smiled as I saw Jennifer's poster on his wall, the
poster that I gave him.

I moved to Nick's room; I was surprised seeing his room so neat and tidy, he did
remember what I said about his room.  I walked closer to him, I tried to brush
his blond hair; I considered him as my brother already.  I kissed him lightly on
his forehead before leaving to meet Kevin.

"Ton...don't go." Nick mumbled out.  I was stopped for a moment and turned.  I
saw him still sleeping peacefully.

Now I was in Kevin's room, and he wasn't asleep yet.  He was just lying in my
bed (or what used to be my bed) instead of his.  He had bloodshot eyes.

"Please Kev, sleep.  I need to talk to you.  This is important," I said to him
but he didn't hear me.  I was waiting next to him, and I checked Justin
telephatically to make sure that he was all right.  Justin fell asleep on my
grave.  A few minutes later, Kevin finally fell asleep.  I tried to concentrate
to get through to his dream. 'Please let me in, Kev.'

His dream was so weird, he was sitting alone and playing a piano.  I didn't know
what he was playing, but I could sense his sadness in every note.  Then he
stopped.

"Why are you taking every person that I love? First my dad and now..." Kevin
stopped his words and cried.

"Kevin," I called him from behind.  He turned around to see me standing there.

"Ton," he stood up and ran to hug me.

"Kevin, you do know that I always love you.  No matter what.  Please don't beat
yourself with this, you still have a lot of things in front of you, I assure
you," I said to him.

"But what can I do without you?" Kevin pulled back.

"Kevin, you can deal with it.  I know you well.  Come on!" I smiled at him, I
wiped his tears away, "Please for me? I can't go yet if everybody is still
having a hard time letting me go.  Help me, Kev?" I begged him.  Finally he
nodded.

"I'm sorry,"

"Don't be, Kev.  You didn't do anything wrong.  I love you." I replied.

"Thank you," he kissed me.

"Kev, I need your help.  I need you to help Justin.  He lost his hope already.
Please do it for me? He's trying to find me and..."

#####

"Kevin! Kevin! Wake up!" Nick shook Kevin.

"What?!?" Kevin woke up in shock.  'No, I lost him again,' Kevin said to
himself.

"Quick, go downstairs! Everybody is waiting," Nick left him.  Kevin sighed. He
put on his clothes and went downstairs.

Everybody was there; all of them: JC, Chris, Lance, Joey, Howie, Brian, AJ, and
Nick.

"Guys? It's 5am, what's going on?" Kevin asked confusedly.

"Justin is missing," JC replied.

"What! How? When?!?" Kevin shocked.

"We don't know, we thought he was locked in his room since this afternoon, but
when Lynn checked, it was empty.  No note or anything.  He didn't take his
phone, but his car was gone," Chris explained.

'Could it be...' Kevin tried to retrieve his dreams earlier.

"Kevin!" Nick yelled at him.

"What?" Kevin was back from his daydream.

"We need you now, and you were silent for five minutes or so," AJ said.

"Sorry...umm so where is Lynn?" Kevin asked.

"She is at home, in case Justin returns," Joey answered.

"Okay, here's the plan, we all split up.  How many cars did you bring, guys?"

"Three," Lance responded.

"Okay, we have three cars too, so now we have six to split up.  I'll go by
myself, you guys know what to do.  I need to change now," Kevin stood up and
walked back to his room.  "Oh yeah, all of you, turn your phones on; if one of
you finds him, call the others."

Kevin was back to his room; I was following behind him.

"Kevin! He is at the cemetary.  You have to...oooppss," I closed my eyes as he
got undressed.  After a few minutes, I heard someone close the door.  "Kev,
wait!" I called him.

#####

Now I was sitting next to him in his car.  He was driving to nowhere as he
searched the quiet street.

"Kevin, cemetary, please? Remember what I told you," I said desperately.

"SHIT! Where can I find him?" Kevin said confusedly.

"CEMETARY!" I screamed, but of course he couldn't hear me.

"He tried to find Tony!" Kevin snapped out.

"BINGO!" I gave a sign of relief.

Finally Kevin made his way to the cemetery. As we arrived, I ran as quickly as
possible.  I saw Justin still asleep on my grave.  I checked him, and he was
still breathing.  Then I saw Kevin coming in our direction.

"Justin! Justin!" Kevin called him, panicking as he picked Justin up from the
ground.

"Wha...what!?!" Justin was startled.

"What are you doing here?" Kevin brushed some dirt on Justin's face.

"I want to be with him, Kev.  I miss him," Justin cried.  And I stood next to
them.  Seeing both of them really overwhelmed me.

"JUSTIN! DON'T BE STUPID!" Kevin shook his body, "HE IS GONE!"

"Kev...," Justin sobbed.

"You know what? Please listen to what he said to you, come on! Listen to him."
Kevin said sternly.

"What do you mean?" Justin asked.

"He loves you so much, he doesn't want you to be sad, he wants you to be happy.
Please?" Kevin stopped as he couldn't hold his tears flowing.  "We all miss him,
but what do you think if he sees us like this, if he sees you like this.  You
just made him more upset.  You know that, right?" Kevin continued, while Justin
looked down.  Kevin pulled Justin's up, and wiped his tears.

"He is probably watching us now," Kevin said with smile, and I smiled too.  "You
know you are his favorite, he won't stand far away from you.  You want to see
him happy too, right?" Kevin asked in fatherly tones. Justin nodded.

"But I really miss him, Kev." Justin said it again.

"Why? I bet he will always remember you, and you have him in here," Kevin took
Justin's hand and put it on his chest.

"Thanks, Kev," Justin hugged him.  My tears turned to tears of joy.

"Oh yeah," Kevin broke Justin's hug, "I'm sure, this belongs to you, and I'm
definitely sure he wants you to have it," Kevin took a silver pendant from his
pocket; the one I gave Justin for his Birthday.  Justin took the pendant.  He
put on the pendant, along with his Nsync necklace.

"He said with this, he wants me to remember that he is always in my heart,"
Justin said to Kevin. "TONYYYY! I'M GONNA WEAR THIS FROM NOW ON!" Justin
screamed.

"Hey! He's not deaf, he can hear you," Kevin joked and Justin giggled.  "Okay
let's go home. You made the whole community worried," Kevin laughed and Justin
followed.

"So the guys could wake up this early, hey?" Justin joked.

"Oh yeah I should call them.  They all love you, Just.  I wonder if they already
called 911," Kevin joked again as they both left me and my grave.

Suddenly, a bright light was shining on me.  "Now you can go, Ton." I heard that
voice again.  I looked at my grave and gravestone with my name on it for the
last time.

"Okay, I'm ready." A bright light surrounded me.


THE END

'ain't no lie...bye bye bye'