Date: Tue, 26 Feb 2002 17:08:20 -0800
From: musicfan@fiberia.com
Subject: Where Do We Go #46

Disclaimer:

   Chapter 46 is the next chapter in an ongoing story about Stephen Gately
from Boyzone and Eloy de Jong, formerly of Caught in the Act. Before you
read this chapter, I will say that this chapter was written months ago and
bears no resemblence to the events of the past month. Please be patient as
I wend my way through the story to the planned conclusion.  For those of
you who are a wee bit impatient for the next love scene, please wait.  When
it gets there it will be worth the wait.

 I have no contact, alas with either gentleman or group, so these chapters
exist within the imagination of the author's mind, combined with public
events that happened during this time.

   Cheers,

   Musicfan


###


     It seemed over the next week or so that Stephen and Eloy had even less
time than before to chat with one another as Eloy's schedule erupted with a
vengeance.  It was like the group's tacit approval of scrapping their
weekend let the floodgates open to a vastly increased workload.  Each night
he dropped into his bed, too tired to do much other than to tiredly pull
his clothes off and roll over.  Stephen was amazingly patient during this
time, knowing full well what that kind of schedule was like.  They took to
leaving each other little messages on their voicemail, playing a game of
tag when they had the chance. Just being able to hear one another's voice
was enough for now as they adjusted to this knew part of their lives.

     In a week Stephen was to head back to London and into the studio to
listen to what the engineers had been up to while they were on holiday.  He
was getting restless, not being used to that kind of time on his hands.  It
was with some relief then that his mother told him Louis was on the phone
wanting to speak with him.  He came down from his room where he had been
scribbling in his notebook, trying to put down some of his feelings into
lyrics while he had the chance.  The receiver was sitting next to the big
black phone on the small table in the hallway and he picked it up, curious.

     "Hey Louis, how's it going?" He said into the phone.  Louis jovially
responded and asked him how his holiday was going.  He had a feeling that
Louis didn't care much, one way or another, but he dutifully replied to the
light banter.

     "Listen Steve, I don't suppose you'd have a chance to come by the club
tonight, would you?  I have this act I'm thinking of signing and I'd like
your opinion about whether you think they can learn to dance.  Lord knows,
that's what the kids want these days, and I want someone who can dance,
unlike Ronan.  God love that boy, but he has two left feet!" Louis growled
into the phone, his voice tinged with affection for his favourite.

     Stephen chuckled at his analogy. "Yeah, sure, I'd be happy to.  What
time?"  Louis mentioned a time after dinner, and he readily agreed.  Not
that Louis normally accepted his opinion about anything, but he did have a
good eye for who could pick up dance moves and who couldn't.  He found
himself looking forward to doing something different, and went into the
kitchen to inform his mother he had plans after dinner.

     The meal that night was a quiet one, with just his parents, his
younger brother and himself sitting down for the meal.  His father was off
thinking about his next job and wasn't paying too much attention to the
conversation, other than when Tony mentioned going on some trip with the
soccer team.  After doing the dishes with his brother, Stephen set out of
the house, walking down to the Pod rather than calling for a ride.  As it
was evening, he didn't mind walking through the city.  He kept his collar
turned up against the damp evening air and cut across the river on
O'Connell, making his way south down Grafton to Harcourt. All the shops on
Grafton were closed, but he could hear noise coming from the Temple Bar
district as the college students from Trinity went out for the evening.

     Not too much later, he found himself at the Pod.  The bouncer waiting
outside nodded to him.  Obviously he was expected.  It was still early
enough that there wasn't a crowd waiting outside.  He made his way through
the entryway, and wandered through the vaulted room, memories flooding back
to him.  It didn't seem that long ago that a few young lads were in the
main room at the Pod shooting a video for the first time.  He felt a lump
in his throat when he thought of those young men and wondered where the
time went.

     A slap on his back startled him out of his reverie and he turned to
see the smiling face of his co-manager, John Reynolds.

    "John, good to see you," Stephen said, his face breaking out into an
ear-splitting grin.  While John tended to sit in the background where their
management was concerned, he was always a good source for what was
interesting out there, and keeping a finger on the pulse of what the
community wanted.

    "And you, Stephen. It's been a while, hasn't it?" John said, smiling
back down at the younger man.  He had a brief flashback to a seventeen year
old fuzz faced young man in ridiculous clothing for the video shoot which
faded into the background as he saw the changes in the man before him.
"Looking for Louis, right?"

     "Yeah, he asked if I could come down and look at some act he's
thinking of signing." Stephen said, following John's lead over to the bar.
John motioned the barman to serve them some drinks and politely asked
Stephen what he wanted.  He raised an eyebrow at Stephen's request for a
glass of wine, but otherwise didn't let his surprise show.  After they were
served their drinks, he lead the way towards the back of the club where
Stephen could see a group of younger kids painfully going through some
moves on the small stage in the back.  He bit back a grin as he watched the
awkward moves of two of the guys, who obviously didn't have a rhythmic bone
in their bodies.  Looking around the room, he could see Louis seated at a
table off to one side, shaking his head ruefully.

    Stephen put his glass down on Louis' table with a nod to his mentor and
climbed up on stage.  The girls gasped as he shed his jacket and they
realised who had joined them on stage at the Pod.  He winked to the DJ
leaning against the counter and nodded for him to start the music over
again.  The minute the music started, he picked up the rhythm of what they
were trying to do and patiently showed them the dance moves, working with
the two men in the back, so that they could finally do them without making
people wince at their wooden gestures.  Over an hour passed while he
patiently worked with each dancer, gently correcting their mistakes over
and over again.

     John sat next to Louis and watched Stephen coach them through the
dance.  Without knowing the moves other than what he had seen when he had
walked in, he had instinctively worked them through the moves of the dance,
and John couldn't help but feel admiration for the innate talent of the
Boyzone star.

     "Damn, he could have had a career as a choreographer," John murmured,
absently drinking his scotch and water as he sat next to his partner.
Louis' mild snort distracted him from the stage and he looked over at his
friend who was trying to stifle a laugh. "What?"

    "Wouldn't that be a bit of typecasting, him being bent and all?" Louis
snickered.  John frowned, disturbed by Louis' comment.

    "What does that have to do with anything?" John asked, knowing full
well that his partner lived in a glass house and should be the last one to
toss stones at someone else.  "I've said from the first that you had a gold
mine in that one, Lou.  Go ahead, push Ronan all you want, but mark my
words, this is the one who will go farther in the long run." He nodded
thoughtfully, watching Stephen on stage.

     After a while, when he felt that they had proceeded well enough on
their own, Stephen nodded to the DJ to drop the track again and jumped off
the stage, walking over to where John and Louis sat and collapsing into a
seat next to them.

     "Well?" Louis said, not looking at him, but watching to see if any of
Stephen's instruction had sunk in over the last hour.  He nodded
thoughtfully, seeing that they were a lot better than they were before
Stephen had arrived. "Not bad."

     "They have a ways to go," Stephen said, panting as he picked up his
glass and took a long drink of the cool wine.  "But they're not hopeless."

     "Not at all."  John said with a nod.  He smiled at Stephen in thanks
and Stephen grinned back at him. "Well, I can see that I'm wanted
elsewhere.  Stephen, as always, it's grand to see you."  Stephen smiled up
at him and he got up from the table, nodding to Louis who wasn't really
paying attention.

     "Good job, Steo." Louis said, taking a sip of his tea.  He never drank
when he was working, and Stephen sat back, content to wait.  He had a
feeling that this fledgling group wasn't the only reason why Louis had
asked him to come. After a short time, the group finished, exhausted by
their efforts, and Louis gave them a much needed break.

    "I think they have potential as a warm up act on the next tour, what do
you think?" Louis asked, not really caring what Stephen thought at
all. Stephen nodded his assent as the younger kids moved off the stage and
they listened to the quiet thumping of the dance music from the Red Box
dance floor upstairs.  Stephen accepted another glass of wine from the
scantily dressed waitress and sat quietly, waiting for Louis' real reason
for asking him to come by.

    Louis sat quietly for a while, letting Stephen sit waiting for him to
talk.  When he judged that enough time had past, he turned to the young man
sharing his table and looked at him thoughtfully.

    "Stephen, we have a wee bit of a problem," he said softly, his voice
barely reaching across the table to the younger man. "Something came to my
attention not too long ago, and I have to admit, it's got me worried."

    Stephen didn't have a clue where Louis was going with this and stared
at him silently.  Louis had the grace to flush as he tried to find a way to
express what he wanted to say.

    "Stephen, I don't know how to say this.  But, I might as well come out
and do it. The record company has gotten wind of your new relationship, and
they're not happy." Louis came out, rushing the words in his haste to get
the comment out.

     Stephen stared at his manager in shock, at a loss to speak in defence
of himself. He thought about all the ways they could have found out, but
each time came up with a blank.

      "What?" What all he could say, his shock evident from his posture as
he sat across from his manager.

      "Stephen, I've tried.  I really have.  I know it's none of their
business. Hell, who the hell cares who you shag?  It's your business and no
one else's.  But they've voiced to me their concerns, and I have to pass it
along.  They're worried that if this news comes out, it's going to scuttle
the next record.  They're running scared.  They've even threatened to cut
the record, because they're afraid that this is all going to hit the news
and affect sales. Now so far I've been able to keep it quiet to just the
person who told me, telling them a line. But I don't know how long I can
keep that one up.  I'm sorry, Stephen, but I feel like it is my duty to
tell you."  Louis didn't look up from his cup.  Nervously, he moved his
hands around his cup of tea as he tried to find a way to articulate himself
to Stephen.

      "But how?" Stephen asked, mystified as to how they found out about
his relationship with Eloy.  He felt himself panic at the thought that they
might scuttle the group's record deal, and tried to think of what he could
do to make things right for the rest of the lads.  He felt an immense guilt
that his actions could possibly cause harm to his friends, and felt a sour
feeling in his stomach at the thought.

     "Stephen, I can't begin to tell you about the people who watch
everything you do.  They know every move you make," Louis asserted,
ignoring the look of despair in Stephen's face.  "I think you have to make
a choice as to what's more important.  I know that's not a fair choice to
make, but it's the only one you have at the moment."

      Stephen dropped his head into his hands, feeling his world drop out
from under him.  He was damned either way, and he couldn't make a decision
like that on the fly. "But why?"

     "Because if the news that you like other men ever comes out, they
think it will kill any record sales the group will ever have.  I can't say
I agree," Louis said, trying his best to be sympathetic as he looked at
Stephen's crestfallen face. He went on to talk about all the money that was
being poured into the record, and the fact that they had been so generous
about allowing the group a long break at a time when contractually, they
could have demanded that they continue working.  More than once he
mentioned how big the album was going to be, and Stephen knew fully well
that it would be a big disappointment to everyone if the album got shelved.
"They're an old-fashioned sort of group. That's the way they work,
unfortunately.  But it's up to you whether you want this to come out in the
open or not.  If it were me, I know what my choice would be. If it were
only you as a solo artist, it would be one thing.  But you've four friends
in a group with you, and they're counting on you to give it a go with them.
I'd really hate to see them lose out on a chance of a lifetime because of
something beyond their control.  But, in the end, you have to do what your
conscience dictates.  It all rests up to you."

     Stephen felt panic fill him at the thought of his personal life coming
out into the open.  There was no way he was ready for that to happen.  No
matter how much he loved Eloy, he couldn't face the prospect of coming out
in public and letting people know how he felt.  He dropped his face to the
table and pushed his glass aside, sick at the thought.

     "Louis, I don't know what to do," he whispered, struck with the
feeling of being trapped.  Never in a million years had he expected this
conversation with his manager, and his gorge rose at the thought of
confronting his record company with the news of his loving another
man. "What do I do?"

     "Ah, Stephen, I can't tell you what to do," Louis said sagely. "And I
know you need some time to think about this.  But I'd be careful if I were
you when you get back into the studio.  Remember, someone's always
watching."  He sat back, satisfied as Stephen stared blindly across the
room.  By this time the doors had opened and young people were pouring into
the dance floor as they awaited that night's act. It was the last place
that Stephen wanted to be at the moment.

    "Louis, I've got to go.  Thanks for telling me what you found out.
I'll... I'll think about it." Stephen said, picking his jacket off the back
of his chair and shrugging it on.  He pulled the hood up around his face
and without another word, headed back behind the bar where he could slip
out the back way.  John was standing there and nodded to him, but he passed
without seeing him.  John stared thoughtfully after him for a moment before
turning to watch Louis, who was still sitting at his table, idly stirring
the tea in his cup. The look of near panic on Stephen's face had been
disturbing, and he regretted walking away from the table earlier.  He knew
that Louis played all sorts of games, and wasn't above manipulating people
to suit his aims. He thought about walking over and confronting his
business partner, but knew that Louis had a way of dissembling where he'd
get nothing at all out of him.  With a sigh, he vowed to talk to Stephen
and see what he could do to help.

* * *

    Stephen wandered the streets, unable to think clearly and wondering how
he was going to be able to make a decision. His heart cried out in protest
that he couldn't give up what he had only just found.  But he also knew
that he had four friends that would be hurt if news of his relationship
with Eloy ever came out in the press. He knew damn well that the record
company would panic at the news if it ever leaked to them.  Honestly, he
wouldn't put it past Louis to do just that.  The warning was very implicit.

    How had they found out, he wondered to himself. There were only a few
people who had known he had gone to Amsterdam.  He had made the plans
himself, not wanting to get any of their organisation involved in his
travel plans. He had been so careful.  He was at a loss as to how anyone
could have found out.  He felt tears burning his eyes.

     Eventually, he found himself back on the north side docks.  This was
his usual haunt as a kid when things were bothering him, so it wasn't any
surprise that he should find himself there again.  He wandered aimlessly,
finally turning back towards home, still without a resolution.  The dark
hulk of the Point Depot towered over him and he stood at the fence looking
in. There had been many times as a child when he had stood almost in this
very spot, looking at people going in and wishing he could be one of the
lucky ones with enough money to see the acts that performed there.  It was
partly what had spurred on his own resolve to get somewhere, and be one of
the acts that people came to see.  That he had succeeded in that goal was
something that he still marveled at from time to time and he stood there
with the cold metal rubbing against his cheek, lost in the memories of the
past.

     He still wasn't any closer to a resolution to his dilemma and as he
thought about it, it wasn't something he could make on his own.  If
anything, Eloy had a say in this since he was going to be the other person
most directly involved.  Closing his eyes, he sighed deeply, trying to
figure out how he was going to tell Eloy of what Louis had told him.  A
noise from around the corner made him decide it was time to move on, so he
pushed off from the Depot fence and made his way around the back.  He
needed to find a place where he could talk to Eloy without interruptions.
He hoped he was going to be able to reach him directly.  This definitely
wasn't going to be a conversation that he could start with a phone message.
He stepped into an alley that ran behind some of the warehouses on the
waterfront.  It wasn't one that people tended to frequent, since it was so
far out of the way of the usual trade places where business went on.  The
other side of the alley held tenement housing, which was why people didn't
do deals there.  They preferred the darker areas along the wharf where a
passerby wouldn't see them in their work.  Stephen made his way down the
small public alley and slipped into a space between two of the buildings
where the building owners normally kept their rubbish bins.  He wrinkled
his nose at the smell, but it was definitely a place where he wasn't going
to be disturbed.

     He sat down on an abandoned fruit box and pulled out his
mobile. Turning it on, he stared down at the illuminated face, wondering
how the hell he was going to begin to tell Eloy.  A breeze kicked up and he
shivered in the cool night air.  A fog was rolling in, and the air had a
damp feeling like it was going to rain soon.

     Quietly he punched the speed dial with Eloy's mobile number and
listened to the rings.  He began to think he was going to get his message
service when he heard Eloy answer the phone.

     "Ja," Eloy said, his voice sounding completely drained.  Stephen
closed his eyes, dismayed by the utter exhaustion he heard coming through
the phone.

     "Hey baby, how are ya?" Stephen said, just wanting to hear Eloy talk
for a few moments before unloading his burden.

     Upon hearing Stephen's voice, Eloy immediately perked up. "Hey there!
What a great time for you to ring over.  I miss you, honing." He smiled as
he thought of Stephen cuddled somewhere in a chair, talking to him.  "I'm
doing much better now that I hear your voice."

     "Awww, you're sweet," Stephen said, Eloy's rich voice sending a
trickle down his spine.  "Rough day?"

     "Ja, rough.  I've had a headache all day, I think I'm coming down with
Lee's cold and all I want to do is crawl into bed for the rest of my life."
Eloy said with a heartfelt sigh.

     "Aww, sweetheart.  You need to take care of yourself." Stephen said,
totally forgetting about the reason for his call in his concern for Eloy.
"You're letting yourself get rundown, and if you're going to keep up that
pace, you need to be careful."

     "Ja, ja, I know," Eloy said, lightly dismissing Stephen's comments.
"How are you doing?"

     "Okay.  Going back into the studio next week," Stephen said, loathing
to raise the topic now that the time was at hand. They chatted back and
forth while Eloy told Stephen of some of the things he had been up to in
the last week.  He told him of another appearance with Carlo on the kid's
show he hosted and how that had went.  Stephen commiserated with him on the
problems he was having with Carlo, who had taken to leaving messages on his
machine at home in an attempt to get them back together.

     Eloy felt something awkward about the conversation whenever he asked
Stephen what was going on.  He felt like Stephen was leaving out something,
and it made for some long pauses in their chat where there hadn't been any
before.

     "Stephen, what's wrong?" He asked finally, sensing that Stephen wasn't
going to bring up the subject unless he asked.

     "God Eloy, I don't even know how to tell you this," Stephen said,
leaning back against the brick wall behind him.

     "Tell me what?" Eloy asked, feeling an icy shiver of fear the tone of
Stephen's comment.  "What happened?" A long sigh met his question and he
sat up, concerned that something had gone horribly wrong for Stephen.
"What is it?"

     "I had a meeting with Louis tonight.  He asked me to come down to the
Pod to check out a group he was thinking of signing.  Afterwards we talked,
and he told me that he knew I was in a relationship with someone and that
someone at the record company got word of it, but for the moment he was
able to diffuse things.  But if the upper management found out that the
album would probably be off."  Stephen found the words spilling out of his
mouth as he tried to get it all out at once. "I didn't know what to say.  I
don't know how he found out, and I don't know how much the record company
does or doesn't know."

     Eloy heard the pure panic in Stephen's voice and wished he were there
next to his lover so he could comfort him.  "Oh no..."

     "Oh no is right, E."  Stephen hunched over as the moisture from the
fog began to seep through his fleece jacket.  "He told me..." Stephen
paused, his throat closing up at what he was going to say next.  The
silence stretched on while Eloy waited for him to go on.  When it was
apparently that Stephen was unable to voice whatever it was that Louis had
said, Eloy encouraged him with a soothing sound.

    "What did he tell you, honing?" Eloy asked, feeling a knot in his
stomach while he imagined all sorts of things that could have gone on in
the conversation. "Zusje, please tell me what happened."

    "He... he told me," Stephen stammered, fighting to get the words
out. "That I need to make a decision about what is more important to me
now. Then he.. he went on to talk about how important this album could be,
how it could be the thing that will be the break we need in the States. He
talked about all sorts of things." Stephen said, feeling miserable.  Eloy
was silent on the other end while he digested Stephen's news.  Stephen
waited fearfully for him to say something.  Tears were streaming down his
face unnoticed.  He felt so torn by his emotions and the one person who
would understand exactly how he felt was someplace else in the world at the
moment.

     "Godverdomme," Eloy swore softly, replying with a litany of swearwords
at Stephen's news.  Stephen closed his eyes, feeling a tiny bit better that
he had finally been able to tell Eloy. Sharing the burden of the news
wasn't something he had looked forward to, but now that he had, he thought
that perhaps Eloy could think of a solution for them.  He was older, and
probably had had to face this before.  This was the first time that Stephen
was in a serious relationship and he felt like he was lost at sea when
confronted with an issue like this.

     Eventually Eloy wound down and he concentrated on their
problem. "Stephen, don't do anything for the moment.  Honestly, the way our
schedules are at the moment, it's not like we're going to see each other,
as much as I hate to say that.  Liefste, I love you with all my heart.
Nothing will change that.  Not a record company, a former
lover... nothing. As long as we're patient, a solution will present itself
and then we can go from there."

     "Do you really think so?" Stephen asked, a bit wistful in the face of
Eloy's positive attitude. "It's so much of a tangle. We have so many people
riding on us making the right decision right now."

     "Ja, that's true.  But Stephen --- we've done nothing wrong.  Nothing.
Do you hear me?" Eloy emphasised, knowing full well that Stephen was ready
to take on the guilt that Louis wanted to heap on him.

     "I know that.  But what if the record company finds out? What if they
scuttle the record?  What if the news of you comes out? How is your company
going to react to that?" Stephen asked, voicing the fears he had been
thinking about over the last few hours he had been wandering around.  "What
would your group say if you all lost your contract?"

     "It's not going to happen," Eloy asserted, brushing Stephen's fears
aside.  It wasn't that he didn't share them, but he thought them able to
handle their respective companies.  "We won't let it happen."

     "Eloy, there's only one way we can do that with any certainty,"
Stephen asserted, going back to the thoughts in his mind. "And that's to
cool it for a while.  Then no one will be able to find anything to accuse
us with."  He felt a knife of pain as he made the decision. Cutting Eloy
off would be like cutting his heart out.  But when he closed his eyes he
saw the faces of his band mates and their disappointment that his actions
had caused the end of their careers.  He couldn't do that to them.  He just
couldn't.

    "No, Stephen," Eloy protested softly. "I just can't let you go like
that." He felt like the rug had been pulled out from under him at Stephen's
comment.

    "Do you think I want to do this?" Stephen cried, his voice
reverberating off the wall in front of him.  "Do you think this is easy?
Eloy, I have four brothers who are counting on me to pull my own weight.
They're relying on me to hold up my end of the business.  Letting news of
us getting out and scuttling our careers could be the most irresponsible
thing I could do to them.  I owe them everything, Eloy.  Everything."  He
felt the tears streaming down his face as he sat there, rocking back and
forth in pain.  "The worst part is, I wouldn't put it past Louis to tell
the record company anyhow."

    "Huh? Why would he do that?" Eloy said, tears of his own sliding down
his cheeks.  He could hear Stephen sniffling as he spoke and it broke his
heart.  "He's your manager! Why would he want the record company to scuttle
you?"

    "Louis... is hard to explain.  For months now he has been pushing Ro to
record more.  It's obvious that he thinks Ronan is going to be the one to
continue at some point as a solo artist.  He's just priming things right
now.  He's a mixer. That's what he does.  Do you know how much I've had to
fight for shared vocals on this album already?  I don't mind, it's whoever
best suits the songs.  At least it used to be.  But now I don't even get to
voice an opinion.  Half the time I walk into the studio, it's to find that
most of the heavy work has been assigned to Ronan.  I don't begrudge him,
it's not his fault.  It's Louis.  And I didn't help matters in London by
moping about for most of the sessions, either.

    "Eloy, I don't know if I can just put everything aside.  There's always
going to be that fear that someone's going to see something.  Or say
something.  I don't think I could take it." Stephen sobbed, miserable, but
feeling he had to say it.

    "Honing..." Eloy pleaded softly. "Honing, please don't tell me you want
to call it off.  Please. We can make this work. Don't break up with me. I
don't think I could take it right now."

    Stephen started crying in earnest now, unable to speak as he heard Eloy
beg him over the phone. "Baby, it's the last thing I want to do. You know
that. But I think we need to break off for a while, just until we get
through this.  Maybe it will die down and then we can get back together
again.  I don't know.  Do you think I want to do this? Of course I don't!"

    Eloy didn't know what to say. He felt the pain of Stephen's words cut
right through him.  After the day he had already had, Stephen had caught
him unprepared and he felt the other man's twist a knife in his gut.  "Then
don't do it."

    "Eloy, I'm so afraid that someone's going to find out about us and that
will be it." Stephen said softly, wiping his nose on his sleeve as he
sniffled. "For years now I've had nightmares about it but this is the first
time it's ever felt real to me.  When faced with Louis' news, I panicked.
Even if he was fishing, my actions told him loud enough that it was true.
Eloy, I've been wandering the streets of Dublin for hours now, trying to
figure out what to do.  Nothing comes as a solution.  There's no easy way
out of this, other than to cool things down.

   "I don't want to break up with you.  I don't think I could if I tried.
But I do think we just need to lay low.  And that means no more visits
where fans can find us.  I don't even know if we can chance ringing each
other, since it seems like anyone can pull in a mobile signal these days.
What if someone records our conversation?" Stephen asked, voicing all the
things he had been thinking about over the last few hours.  "I don't think
I could take it if I had to wake up and see something in the paper the next
day. Lord, they'd have a field day!"

   "Stephen," Eloy pleaded softly, but knowing he was right.  They had been
incredibly lucky in both times they had gotten together.  There were any
number of times in either London or Amsterdam one of them could have been
recognised and the cat let out of the bag.  But they hadn't cared because
they were so concerned with getting to know one another and spending time
together. "All right. Let's try it your way. We'll take a cool down from
each other, ja?"  After what Stephen had said, he was going to agree to
anything that didn't involve an actual break up.  His heart wouldn't be
able to handle it if that was what Stephen had wanted.

    "I'm sorry," Stephen whispered. Rain started to fall from the sky and
he found it quite appropriate since it fit his mood nicely. It felt that
heavens were weeping with them in this moment, and he welcomed the feeling
of the rain soaking through his thin jacket.

    "Not as sorry as I am," Eloy said in a soft voice in response. He felt
like his life was in tatters. All that had been keeping him going through
this last run was the promise of hearing Stephen's voice and the
possibility that they might be able to get together at some amorphous point
when the two of them had the time.  Now it seemed like there was no ray of
sunlight in their future, and he couldn't imagine going through his life
without Stephen being there with him in some fashion.  "I still love you,
baby."

    "God, how I love you, Eloy." Stephen exclaimed, his heart breaking.  He
knew that Eloy only reluctantly agreed because if he pushed, he was afraid
that they would break it off entirely. "We'll get through this. I know we
will.  But until we do, until we can, know that I'll be thinking of you and
hoping that things go well for you."

    Eloy cried silent tears, unable to respond to Stephen's comment for a
moment.  "Stephen..."

    "Yeah?" Stephen bit back an endearment, thinking that it would only
make things worse to call him by a pet name at this point.

    "I love you. I'll be here, whenever you want to call. Anytime,
anywhere. When you're ready to come back, just know that all you have to do
is let me know, and I'll be here with open arms." Eloy said softly. He
didn't want to lay a guilt trip on Stephen, but he wanted him to know that
he was going to honor Stephen's wish and wait for him to make the first
contact. "You'll always be in my thoughts, zusje. Honing. Kindje." He heard
a sob as he said that and he closed his eyes against the hot tears that ran
down his cheeks.

    "I love you, Eloy. I have to go." Stephen said.  He whispered a soft
goodnight before ringing off.  Sitting hunched in the rain, he cried until
he didn't think he could cry anymore. He felt miserable with his decision,
but didn't see another alternative to their dilemma. When the rain turned
into a downpour he got up from the wooden crate and ran down the alley
towards home, trying to keep the sound of Eloy's voice as they spoke out of
his thoughts.