Date: Sat, 8 May 2004 00:29:02 -0400
From: Sean Roberts <seanr_13@yahoo.ca>
Subject: The Silver Compass - 12

The Silver Compass - 12
By: Sean Roberts

Feedback is very much appreciated; please send to seanr_13@yahoo.ca

Understanding

At some point during the night he had been moved to a
couch.  It was a cream, leather recliner.  He was sprawled
backwards, a bit of drool by his lip.  His head pounded as
he tried to sit up.  He looked around at the empty room.
He had not seen this room before.  It contained couches and
paintings and a coffee table.  The room looked expensive.

He forced himself to stand and he made his way into
the kitchen.  Toby was cleaning.

"How are you feeling?" Toby asked.

"Okay," Michael groaned.

"Have a seat.  Let me get you some coffee."

"Was that hallway clean?" Michael asked, unable to
remember the look of the corridor he had just walked
through.

"Been up all night," Toby said.  "It was a wicked
party but my parents are back tonight and they'll murder me
if they find out.  And only one person passed out and
stayed the night, so it wasn't so bad."

"Thanks," Michael said as Toby handed him some coffee.

"Sure.  Want something to eat?"

"No.  Thanks."  Michael sipped it.  It burned his
lips, but the taste and the smell and the warmth woke him
up.  "Was there a lot to clean?"

"Nah.  Just a bunch of garbage and beer bottles.  But
people didn't even start leaving until five.  Are your
parents going to be home?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well you can't go home looking like this.  They'll
know you were up all night drinking.  But you can stay as
long as you want.  Matt said he'd cover for you."

"Thanks Toby."

"Don't worry about it.  Besides I owe you guys one.
Remember that time Matt bailed me out last year?"

"Huh?" Michael said, trying but failing to remember
the incident.  "He never told me about that."

"No?"  Toby shrugged and sat down across from Michael
with his own coffee.  "Well a bunch of us wanted to get
high, and we thought it would be more fun to do it on
school property.  Stupid I know.  We got caught before
anybody actually lit anything.  We had asked Matt to join
us, but he got there just when Mr. Christie found us, and
he just went and said `it's mine.  I was going to smoke it.
I left the joint here with them to go back and get a
lighter.'  And then he pulled a lighter out of his pocket.
It was an idiotic story, but it was Mr. Christie, and he
didn't want to have to kick Matt off the team, or any of
the rest of us, so he let Matt take the fall.  Matt was
suspended, he told us he got into some big shit with your
parents, but they let him stay on the team.  I'm surprised
you don't know."

"I'm not.  That doesn't sound like one of Matt's shining
moments though; he probably didn't want me to know."

"Oh," said Toby.  "Well don't tell him I told you then."
Michael shook his head.

"Well that explains those few days he never came to
school.  When I asked him about it he just said he didn't
feel like it.  And my parents knew, so I figured there was
some good reason that nobody wanted to tell me.  But I know
he'd go out during the day."

"Yeah.  That's when he was going out with Laura.  She
played hooky for a few days so they could spend the time
together.  Matt got over the suspension pretty fast because
of her."

The coffee was making Michael feel better.  He shrugged.
Matthew and Laura had broken up very suddenly.  Nobody knew
why; and neither of them acted at all upset, though Michael
could tell that Matthew was.

He spent a couple of hours with Toby before returning
home.  He did not figure out what Matthew had told his
parents.  All they said to him when he walked in was,
"d'you have fun?"  He said yes, and that he wanted to
shower.

*

It was time for another hockey game and he hoped Sarah
would be there.  He could not remember exactly what he had
said to her, but he knew it was something bad.  He would
apologize, and then tell her what he had needed to tell her
for a week.

He sat in the back.  He did not want his brother to
see him.  He knew that Matthew was uncomfortable around
him.  He was uncomfortable around Matthew.  He spent the
game looking around.  Sarah was not there.  Cameron wasn't
either; they were playing a different school.

He got into his car to drive home.  He started the
engine and checked his phone to see if anybody had called.
Nobody had.  He glanced upwards and saw his parents walking
across the parking lot.  They had been there and not seen
him.  Michael decided suddenly not to go home.

He drove to a fast food restaurant far enough away
from the school that he would not run into anybody he knew.
It was a McDonalds.  He enjoyed the familiarity of the fake
wood and spotted tables.  He ordered a Big Mac and a drink
and sat down.  He took a quick look around the restaurant
while sipping his drink, and recognized Sarah.  He put his
cup down to look at the person with her.  He saw himself;
she was sitting beside Matthew.  They were looking at each
other, saying something to each other; involved enough in
their conversation that neither had seen him.

He wanted to interrupt but couldn't.  It would have
been too awkward.  Besides, they're probably talking about
me.  Matthew's probably telling her that I miss her.  He
smiled.  He would have her back tomorrow.  Tomorrow, after
school, he would be able to lie shirtless on her bed and
eat fruit with her while they talked.  At least twice a
month they would do this.  They would be awake, until late,
eating and talking.  Especially when there was something
important to discuss.  It was when they felt closest.  He
needed to tell her about Matthew; he wanted to tell her
about Cameron.

He caught a glimpse of her light brown eyes as she
turned her head.  He could see the colour because they
clashed violently with the white of the seats.  He
remembered the dream again.  He remembered when they had
fucked, when he had looked into her eyes.  He hated the
word when it actually referred to sex.  But it kept making
its way into his head because that is what they had done.
They had not made love.  He had fucked her.  And she had
enjoyed it because she thought it was something it wasn't.
"It was her first time," he whispered.  "She knew."  He
felt a tear well up in his right eye.  But he did not want
to acknowledge what he was thinking.  He had never thought
himself capable of doing such a horrible thing.

It has to have hurt her but she didn't show it.  And
she didn't orgasm.  But I never noticed it at the time.
She had done it for me.  She didn't care that it hurt
because she wanted to give me pleasure.  Because she loves
me.  And I was doing it because I was hoping to enjoy it
and know that I wasn't a homosexual.  And it was her first
time.  I took that away from her.  I don't think she hates
me more than I hate myself.

He lost his appetite.  He left his food on the table
and left the restaurant quickly and quietly.  In the car he
turned up the radio and lit a cigarette.  He tried to lose
himself in the music and in the drive.  He did not want to
think about what he had done.

*

His week was excruciating.  He could barely
concentrate on his homework.  Sarah would not talk to him
and he did not push because he now understood the way she
felt.  Matthew and him talked even less, which was hard
because they were back into a regular routine of having
dinner with their parents.

When school ended on Friday, Michael called a number
on his phone.  "I need a room for tonight.  Under the name
Miller."

"Yes sir."  He dialled again.  He gave Cameron
instructions.  He called his mother at work and told her he
would not be coming home.  He picked up some clothes and
drove an hour and a half to the hotel.  He had picked one
far enough away.  He needed to get out of Toronto, away
from the city.  As soon as he began driving by farms and
woods, he began to relax.

Cameron met him just on time in the lobby.  It was not
luxurious but it was not cheap.  The staff were polite.
"Finally a quiet place to work on that assignment," Michael
said after he was handed the key.

"What are you embarrassed about?" Cameron asked him in
the elevator.

"I don't know," he said.  Michael had paid cash.

"What's wrong Mike?"  They had entered the room and
Michael found the room service card.

"I'm hungry.  What do you want to eat?"

"Burger is fine."

"Let's get something better."

"Like what?"

"Lobster, or shrimp, or something.  I need a proper
meal.  And maybe cheesecake for dessert."

"Sounds good Mike."

"Good."  Michael ordered the food.  They turned on the
gas fireplace and sat on the couch.  Michael was too upset
to speak and Cameron was too uncomfortable because of
Michael's silence.  Only the sounds of eating and fire
could be heard until they finished their meal.

They had the cheesecake in bed; kissing and undressing
in between bites.  When their plates were empty Michael got
up quickly and turned out the lights.  He returned to the
bed and ran his hand down Cameron's stomach.  He forgot
about Matthew and Sarah.  He took Cameron in his arms and
kissed him, tasting the remnants of the mints they ate
after the cake.  Cameron kissed Michael's neck.  And then
Michael pushed him away.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Everything," Michael said.  "Every fucking thing in
my life is wrong right now except for you."  He turned
around.  They could barely see.  The artificial lights in
the room were off and the blinds were drawn.  But Michael
could make out an outline.  "I love you.  But I also love
my brother and my best friend and I've lost them both.
Because I fucked them both.  And because I fucked you!"

"What are you talking about?"  Michael turned around.
He had just blamed Cameron.  But it wasn't his fault.

"Sarah, when I was sixteen.  Matthew, last week."  He
told Cameron first about Sarah and then about Matthew.  He
did not get the reaction he was expecting.  He was
expecting disgust; abhorrence to his brother's actions.

"It's okay Michael," Cameron said.  "Get some sleep.
We'll figure it out in the morning."