Date: Fri, 20 Aug 2004 18:38:14 -0400 (EDT)
From: Sean Roberts <seanr_13@yahoo.ca>
Subject: The Silver Compass - 17

The Silver Compass
By: Sean Roberts

Author's Note: All feedback is very much appreciated.  Please send to
seanr_13@yahoo.ca

Black, Red, and White

They met in the parking lot of the mall but did not go
inside.  It was a cold, white day.  Heavy and cold winds
were blowing around the snow on the ground.  They were
standing outside Cameron's car.  It was red.  Cameron's
beige jacket provided a sharp contrast while he was leaning
against it.  Michael was leaning against him; they were
kissing.  Michael did not care that they were in public,
that people could see them.  And then the kiss ended.
Suddenly.  Michael had pulled away.

"Cameron," he said, wondering if the name would give
it away.  "I can't do this anymore."  He had planned to
look at him but he couldn't.  He was staring instead at the
bright red paint lit up by the sun.  "My family thinks I'm
crazy and my best friend won't even talk to me.  It would
end sooner or later.  I don't ever want it to but you know
as well as I do that it's going to.  And I think it would
be easier to do it now."  Michael glanced up at Cameron,
then back at the paint.

"Well I don't.  You can't just assume that it won't
work out.  Your family will get over it Mike.  When I told
Jules she did the same thing.  She said that I was just
imagining it, that it wasn't true, but now she doesn't
care..."

"That's just your sister.  You haven't told your
parents.  Or any of your friends.  Nobody knows Cameron
except for you and your sister.  Everybody knows about me
and nobody is willing to accept it.  I'm sorry Cameron."
When he turned to walk away, he felt Cameron's hand grasp
his arm.  But he did not turn around.  He pulled his arm
away and continued walking.  He found his Saab at the other
end of the parking lot.  Smoke from his cigarettes had
seeped into the leather; the smell made him want to do it.
He lit one and drove home.

*

When Matthew left Sarah's place he returned home.  He
showered as quietly as possible and left the house again.
He went across the city to a bar he thought looked quiet.
It wasn't.  There were a lot of people but he did not
leave.  He needed alcohol.

He started with a beer and it turned into seven.  It
was late when he left the bar.  He told the bartender that
he had not driven there, that he lived close by and would
be walking.  He was allowed to leave.

He had not been driving for two minutes when a light
in front of him turned yellow.  He thought he was close
enough to the intersection to drive through it.  He stepped
hard on the accelerator.  The light turned red as his car
sped past the white lines marking the start of the
intersection.  Matthew did not notice the red car trying to
turn left in front of him.  He did not see the car turn
quickly right instead of left to avoid him.  He did not see
the red car slam into a white one that had begun crossing
the intersection.

*

The following morning, early, Michael burst into his
brother's room.  He shook him awake.  Michael knew what a
hang over felt like but he had no sympathy for his brother.

"What do you want?" Matthew groaned.

"I've broken up with him.  You were right, Matt.  You
and mom and dad.  I was thinking about it, and it turns out
that I'm not gay.  So I dumped him.  I just thought I'd let
you know."

He knew Sarah's parents would not be awake, it was too
early.  He took out Matthew's cellular phone, the one he
had taken that morning from his brother's room, and called
Sarah.  She answered almost immediately, her voice sleepy
but alert.

"I need to see you," Michael said, thankful that his
voice was identical to his brother's.  She opened the door
for him but knew immediately, from his eyes, who he was.

"I love you," Michael said quickly.

"Michael it's too fucking early for your bullshit..."

"No, Sarah, I love you.  As in actually love you.  Not
as a friend but the same way you love me.  I'm not gay
Sarah.  I thought I was but...I even dumped Cameron.  I'm
serious."  He pulled her close to him and kissed her.  For
the first time in her life she felt a passion in Michael
she had been wanting to feel for so long.  He kissed her
like he used to kiss Cameron.  And then it ended and she
invited him inside.

"I love you too Mike," she said after closing the
door.  He smiled.  The warmth from her voice spread through
his entire body.  He felt a sense of relief that he knew
Cameron could never bring him.

"Have you told Matthew?" she asked after they sat
down.

"Yeah.  I told him this morning.  Sarah, listen,
there's something he did...that I can't tell you.  But if
he's told you already, then maybe you know why he did it.
There was this one night, and I was asleep, and when I woke
up..."

"Oh God Mike.  Please...okay, fine, I'll tell you since
the two of you are obviously never going to be able to talk
about it.  Just promise me though that you'll never bring
it up again, I really was hoping I'd never have to think
about it, it's disgusting..."

"Sarah!"

"I hate you.  Fine.  It's kind of hard to explain.
He, well, he was trying to figure out if he was gay or not.
Remember how you did it, with me?  Well, it's the same
concept except that he used you instead.  Of course it
didn't work because you're his brother and even if he was,
well, he wouldn't have enjoyed what he was doing and..."

"Okay Sarah, that's enough, thanks.  I don't really
want to think about it either, but I haven't been able to
get it out of my mind."  She sighed.

"Mike, umm, are you sure about this?  I mean, are you
absolutely sure you're not gay?"

"Completely.  When I kissed you just now Sarah, it was
amazing..."

"Well what about when we, you know...how come you didn't
feel anything then?"

"I don't know.  I think I was confused.  I mean, I did
think I was gay for such a long time...and...I can't explain
it."

"Then don't.  Not to me at least, I understand.  But
Matt doesn't.  The part that bothered him the most about
this is that you'd never told him.  The two of you are so
close and..."

"That's what he's been all pissy about?"

"Well put yourself in his shoes.  How would you feel
if he didn't tell you something like that.  I mean, it's a
big part of who you are, and you kept him completely in the
dark."  Sarah stood up and began making coffee.  Michael
sat quietly until she returned with the steaming mugs.

"After we drink this, you should come over for
breakfast.  My parents would be happy to see you.  Matt
would too."