Date: Sat, 6 Mar 2004 20:40:04 -0500
From: SeanR <seanr_13@yahoo.ca>
Subject: The Silver Compass - 6

The Silver Compass
By: Sean Roberts

Author's Note: I would appreciate any feedback on the story so far.  Please
send to seanr_13@yahoo.ca

Departure

He was in the shower when the bathroom door swung
open.  He did not hear it; he looked only when he saw the
curtains around the bathtub pull quickly open.  He felt two
hands pull him out.

"What the..."

"Shut up," Matthew said angrily, pulling him towards
the mirror.  Michael was dripping wet.  He saw himself and
his brother in the mirror.  Matthew was also naked.
Michael rubbed the water out of his eyes and stared.  Their
wavy, blonde hair stood out the most, even though Matthew
was dry.  The colour and shape and length were identical.
And below it, two pairs of bright, blue eyes were staring
into the mirror.  Their skin and height and weight were the
same.  Michael stared, trying to tell them apart, looking
for any distinguishing feature.

"Look Michael.  There isn't a single, fucking difference.
If we counted hair, there would be the exact same amount.
So what does that tell you?"

"Why are you calling me Michael?"  He could not
remember ever being called that.  Even when his parents
were angry with him they called him Mike.  He heard the
name Michael only when he was speaking with somebody he had
just met.  His brother using his full name jolted his stare
away from the mirror and into Matthew's eyes.  But Matthew
grabbed his arms and turned him back.  Michael did not
resist.

"I'm not gay Michael, which means that you aren't
either.  There's nothing different about us except that I
know it and you don't."  Matthew let go of his brother's
arm and left the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.
Michael fell forwards, holding himself up with his hands on
the rim of the sink.  He heard Matthew's voice again.  "And
hurry up," he called.  "I have to shower too and we've got
to meet mom and dad in fifteen minutes."  Michael looked
into the mirror again.  He was breathing heavily and
watching beads of water drip down from his hair onto his
chest.

"He's wrong," Matthew whispered to himself.

*

"Good evening Mike.  How are you?"  The voice was
familiar.  What was he doing there?  Michael took his time
to put down his fork and knife silently, and then turned
around.  It was Cameron, dressed for dinner, standing
behind him.

"I-I'm fine," Michael said.  He glanced nervously at
his parents, and even more anxiously at his brother.  "Umm,
this is my mom and dad, this is Cameron.  And, Matthew, who
you've met."  Michael expected a quick hello, but Cameron
walked around the table, shaking hands with each of them.

"Sorry to interrupt your dinner," he said.  "We're all
meeting in my room later, then we're going to go to the
disco.  Number two thirty two."  He was looking directly at
Michael, waiting for him to say something.

"Yeah," he said suddenly, after a few moments silence.
"I'll see you later then."  A quick smile, from both of
them, before Cameron returned to his own table and his own
food.

"I see you two have been making friends.  Good," said
Michael's mother.  Michael nodded and forked up some
steamed carrots from his plate.  It was still hot, and
ignoring his mothers' teachings, he blew on them before
putting them into his mouth.

*

He had already met Julia - Cameron's sister - and it
was just the two of them in room two hundred and thirty
two.  Michael tried to kiss him when he entered, but
Cameron dodged it.  He did not want to do it in front of
his sister.

"How are you Mike?" she asked.

"I'd be better if my brother were here."

"It's too bad.  Well, don't worry, we can all try to
drink this one away."  She winked.  Michael realized he had
not yet seen their parents.  Cameron had seen his that day
for the first time.  Michael was curious about why Cameron
had black hair while Julia's was brown.  Her hair was cut
short and it suited her round face.  Michael would never
have guessed they were related.  "So let's go before the
bar closes."

Cameron chose tequila.  He ordered three of them and
Michael drank it quickly before asking for another.

"You'd better take it easy," Matthew said, walking up
to them.  "We have a flight tomorrow."

"Hi Matthew," Cameron said, extending his hand.
Matthew ignored it and Cameron withdrew it.  "This is my
sister, Julia.  This is Mike's brother."  Matthew turned to
look at Cameron.

"Don't let him get too fucked up.  I don't want him
throwing up all over me on the plane tomorrow."

"Matt," Michael said sharply.  "Is there any way at
all I could ask you to stop being such a dick?"
"Better than sucking one," he said, walking away.  Michael
apologized.  Cameron and Julia shrugged it off and ordered
more drinks.

The alcohol took Michael's mind off what his brother
had done earlier.  In the disco they played the same music
they did every night.  It was a mixture of rap and reggae;
Spanish and dance.  Michael and Cameron had both fallen in
love with a Spanish song.  Matthew told him later it was
called "Obsesión".  It was their last night there.
Michael, dropping his previous reservations, threw himself
into Cameron, holding him tightly around the waist,
periodically kissing his lips and his neck while they
danced.

They were all drunk when they walked Julia back to her
hotel room.

"'Night Jules," Cameron said.  "We're just going to
take a walk."  Julia smiled and Cameron reassured her that
it was just a walk.  She rolled her eyes and wished them a
good night.

They were on the beach again.  They took off their
shoes and rolled up their pants.  Cameron wanted to walk
along the edge of the water.  At night the tide came in
further, giving them less dry sand on which to tread.  It
was a chilly night for the island, but the alcohol was
keeping them warm.  They were not talking or laughing.
They were not looking at each other.  They were both
savouring the walk.

They reached the edge of the beach, the boundary
between the hotel's and God's land.  They turned towards
each other, neither of them wanting to make the first move.
Michael thought Cameron was upset and Cameron thought
Michael was; would a kiss be appropriate in such a
situation?  Cameron's hand lightly touched Michael's back.
He took Cameron into his arms and kissed him, hard.  He did
not let Cameron's lips escape until Matthew was out of his
mind.

He was pressing his lips harder against Cameron's until
they were lying in the mud.  The water surrounded them
while they kissed and while they stripped.  Michael had one
hand on Cameron's chest and the other inside the mud when
he had Cameron in his mouth.  It would be the last time
Cameron would taste like the ocean; the last time he would
smell like the sand.

Michael remembered this when Cameron did the same to
him.  But he put it quickly out of his mind.  He was
determined to let nothing ruin the night.  When they were
finished they lay beside each other, ignoring the cold they
were feeling from the water.  They were holding hands and
watching the stars.  Michael moved and kissed Cameron's wet
stomach.  He remembered the salty taste, and he wished he
could keep it with him forever.

"So this is it," he said.

"No, Mike, it isn't.  I'm meeting you at Yorkdale day after
tomorrow, remember?"  Michael nodded.  "This isn't it.  I
love you."

"I love you too."  A kiss and a goodbye ended their
evening.

Matthew was lying awake when the door opened.  He
turned onto his side and shut his eyes, pretending to sleep
like his brother had done so long ago.  He listened as
Michael undressed and climbed into bed.  He heard the
rhythm of Michael's breathing settle; his brother was
asleep.  Matthew quietly climbed out of bed, fully dressed.
Without waking his brother he left the room.

"Cameron!  Cameron I have to talk to you!" Matthew
yelled through the door of room two hundred and thirty two,
hoping he was not sounding too desperate.  The door opened.
Cameron, in checked pyjama bottoms and a white t-shirt, was
standing sleepily behind it.

"Mike?  What's wrong?"  Matthew swallowed.

"I-I need to talk to you."  Cameron nodded.

"Okay.  Just give me a second to dress.  Come in."
Matthew stepped inside, where he saw a figure sit up in
bed.  He recognized her from the shape of her hair
silhouetted against the light from the corridor.

"What's going on?" she said.

"Mike and I are going for a walk," Cameron said.

"That's disgusting," she said.  "Haven't you walked
enough today?"  Her tone showed her laughter.  Matthew felt
sick.

"I really don't need to hear you saying things like
that, Jules."

"Sorry to wake you," said Matthew.

"It's okay," she said.  Cameron and Matthew left the room.

"Beach?" Cameron asked.

"Sure," said Matthew.

"What's the matter?"

"N-nothing's the matter.  I-I'll tell you when we're
outside."  He did not know what he wanted to say; only what
he wanted to find out.  They got to the beach and Cameron
kicked off his sandals.

"It's gotten a bit chilly," he said.

"I think it's because I got you out of bed," Matthew
replied.

"Maybe.  So what's up?  It isn't what Jules thought is it?
Because if it is, I wouldn't say no."  Cameron gently
caressed the back of Matthew's arm with two of his fingers,
moving them downwards until they were holding hands.
Matthew was uncomfortable, but something about Cameron's
touch made him want to keep holding on.
"No," Matthew said after a few moments, pulling his hand
away.  "I needed to talk to you, about you.  I need to know
how you feel about me."

"How I feel about you?  But I just told you.  I love you
Mike.  Relax okay?  Just because we're going back tomorrow
doesn't mean we won't see each other."

"But maybe it should."  The guilt of the statement
kept Matthew looking past Cameron.  They were walking the
length of the beach.  Cameron was closest to the ocean.

"What?"

"Look, Cameron, things are different here.  I mean, we
don't have to do anything here except have fun.  But at
home, I've got school, and my family, and friends, and I'm
not sure that it would work out."

"Mike where is this coming from?"

"Look I just don't think it would work out!" Matthew said,
pulling his arm away.

"Right," said Cameron, a false calm in his voice.  "You
just wanted to fuck me.  But vacation's over so back to
your boyfriend right?"

"No!  That isn't...I don't have a..."

"I don't want to hear the rest of that sentence.  I don't
care Mike.  I have to get to bed."  Cameron walked
hurriedly away, leaving Matthew by the edge of the ocean.
Matthew lit a cigarette and told himself that it was for
the best.

*

The plane took off.  Michael stared nostalgically at
the town he was leaving.  At least it's still summer, he
thought, in Toronto.  The buildings and the palm trees were
becoming smaller and smaller.  He had gotten used to seeing
Cameron every night.  Tonight would be the first night away
from him.  He glanced at Matthew, who smiled nervously.
"What?" asked Michael.  "Are you trying to be nice to me
now for some reason?"

"Yes," Matthew said.

"Well it's too late.  So stop looking at me."