Date: Sun, 19 Mar 2000 18:43:19 GMT
From: Jeremy Smith <ghost397@hotmail.com>
Subject: surfacing-angel-1

This is a work of total fiction. The characters portrayed here come only
from my mind (and whatever lies beyond). This work contains (or will)
sexually explicit passages between minors of same and differing sex. If that
isn't for you, if this material is considered illegal in your place of
residence, or if you are under that arbitrary age people seem to think is
when we are ready to be exposed to sexuality, you are to turn back now or
delete this file if you've managed to get it on your hard drive (and in the
future you really ought to be more careful what you download!).

That was the standard disclaimer. The rest of this is anything but. Those
having read my only other work to date (Midwest Dreams in the Rural section;
after a looong silence, part two is coming soon!) probably know I have a
propensity for verbiage, particularly in introductions. I'll keep this
brief. The sex (at least the erotic kind) will come much later than these
first two parts. If you're looking for a quick fix, look elsewhere and come
back when you're not so... focused. ;) This story is about love, friendship,
acceptance, and the struggle for identity. It deals with extremely difficult
topics, such as suicide and rape. I can only hope that it is at least
fractionally as hard/emotional for you to read as it was for me to write,
because that means I have succeeded as a writer. You have been warned.

Author's personal note:
The first two parts of this story were born of a vision (I can only call it
that, it was so strong) I had over the period of a few nights just before
going to sleep. It grew, developed, and wrote completely of its own volition
(look it up if you don't know it, and never let it be said that my stuff
wasn't educational). There were flashes, insights that I cannot say from
where came, and I simply filled in the rest to make it coherent. Yet the
strangest thing of all, perhaps, is that I had written the dedication before
the first bit of the vision ever came to me. As a writer/poet, I often write
down simple one-liners that pop into my mind to work with later. This one,
however, had much more to say.


Surfacing Angel

- To all of those who fought the battle and won, and for those of us who
won't make it.


Part 1 - The Fall

	Josh first came into my life at the beginning of my junior year in high
school.  It was second period, chemistry, and everyone was catching up on
how they had spent the summer before class started.  I hadn't heard anything
about a new kid, and apparently neither had anyone else, because when he
walked into the room there was a momentary lull in the conversation as
everyone looked up.  Josh's face turned a little red, but he went straight
to one of the few empty seats (in the front row, of course).  Then everyone
went back to their conversations, assuming that if the kid hadn't taken out
his schedule to check where he was, the teacher could just correct him when
class started.
	I'd been talking to Tommy when Josh first walked in.  Well, good friends
and his mother called him Tommy; everyone else called him Tom (and he liked
it that way).  He was one of the closer members of my circle of friends,
though that didn't really mean much outside of school.  I wasn't a hugely
social person if I wasn't at school or a school event, and only hung out
with a few friends the rest of the time.  Actually, Tommy had spent the
summer out west with his father (his parents had gotten a divorce a few
years back before we had started hanging out), so I hadn't seen him in quite
a while.  He was telling me about this girl he'd been trying to get with all
summer and had finally made it to second base by the end.  I wasn't all that
engrossed in what he was saying, but I was at least paying attention.  Until
Josh walked in anyway.
	He was a little shorter than me, probably five nine or ten.  Dressed in a
moderately oversized t-shirt and jean shorts, his frame was thin and light.
The skin on his arms and legs was sort of a bronzy tan and you could tell he
spent a lot of time outdoors.  His hair was a mixture of blond highlights
and dark roots, like he'd bleached it a while back (though I would later
learn it was mostly the sun and salt water that kept it that way), and it
was combed straight down on both sides, parted at the middle.  In the brief
glance I gave him as he walked by, I thought his eyes were a grayish sky
blue, set evenly above a sharp nose.  Actually, his whole face was kind of
angular, with a sharp chin and cheekbones too.  Maybe not angular, just very
defined.  Better than average looking I judged, in that 'sizing up the new
competition' way guys seem to have.  Then he sat down, and Tommy and I went
back to our conversation (thankfully on another subject, because I was
getting tired of listening to his more than likely exaggerated exploits with
this supposed 'babe').
	Eventually, Mr. Morarty (and yes, he's heard all the jokes from Sherlock to
molarity, and they're all old) walked in and started class.  "Welcome back
ladies and gentlemen," he said, "hope you had a wonderful summer.  On to
business."  That's Morarty, straight and to the point; not a bad teacher,
just a little direct and humorless sometimes.  "First off, role call; let's
make sure you're all in the right place and everyone's actually here."
Neither Morarty nor the new kid seemed to notice as all heads turned to look
at him for a second.  "To start out with, I'm sure you've all noticed we
have a new student joining us; Josh, from...?" he prompted, looking up at
the class for the first time since walking in.
	"Florida.  On the Gulf Coast, that is," the new kid replied, a little
shyly.  His voice sounded sort of hollow and soft.  At least if that was his
accent, it wasn't bad at all.  It was nothing compared to the hillbilly
drawl people tended to slip into sometimes around here (myself included).
	"Well, welcome to Indiana," said Morarty.  "Let me be the first to offer
you my condolences on your recent move."  That got a bit of a laugh out of
everyone.  Hey, I said he wasn't bad all the time.  Besides, I don't know
anyone who wouldn't agree that going from the Gulf Coast of Florida to
central Indiana was a definite step down in accommodations.  "And in case
you're all wondering, Josh is a sophomore.  His old school apparently has a
bit more of a dedication to the sciences that his new one, and he's already
covered the material you all had last year."  Mr. Morarty was forever
complaining about how lax our school's curriculum was (which is another
reason most people dreaded his classes, as if one being chemistry wasn't
enough).  However, that explained why no one had seen Josh in homeroom or
first period; he was in a different grade.  "As for the rest of you,
Ackerson?" Morarty continued on with role.

	At lunch I found Jenny and we went to sit with a couple of our friends.
Jenny and I had grown up together and were sort of best friends.  Which is
odd I suppose, you don't usually find guy/girl best friends in high school,
but there we were.  We lived a couple of blocks apart from each other and
our parents went to the same church (thankfully mine never forced me to go
and I almost never did, though Jenny would every few weeks).  They'd known
each other before either of us was born, though they didn't go out together
all the time or anything.  Anyway, we sat down at our usual table with the
others and joined in the bitching about classes and how it sucked that we
had to start going to school when the weather was still so nice.  As you
might expect, the conversation eventually turned to the new kid.
	It turned out that Jenny had an art class with him.  She was really into
art, sketching and a little bit of painting.  She was really good at it too.
  Apparently Josh had been quiet in art as well, though our school was so
small (only about 1000 people in 9-12) that most secondary classes like
music and art had people from all four grades in them.  I guess even if
there were other sophomores in there with him, he was still the new guy.
Jenny hadn't learned much more than we had in chemistry, just that his dad
had taken a transfer over the summer and they'd only moved in a couple of
weeks ago.
	When lunch was over Jenny and I walked to math, the only class besides
English and a study hall last period that we shared.  The rest of the day
was a fairly routine first day kind of thing, all the teachers handing out
their rules, some already making assignments, others allowing us what we
refer to as a 'half-assed' day.  Jenny and I did find that Josh also shared
our study hall.  The first day of a study hall is kind of a given break
period, and the teacher just let us talk quietly the whole time.  Jenny and
I chatted about people who had changed over the summer and made plans to
take my mom's car over to Wally World later to get a few missed school
supplies.  We noticed Josh had gotten there early and had a choice of seats,
ending up towards the back.  He sat the whole time either reading a book or
staring out the window.  And so went the first day of class.

	The first couple of weeks were spent settling back into the routine of
school, trying to learn how to get up so early in the morning and actually
get to sleep at a fairly reasonable hour.  Classes weren't that bad.  I've
always been able to breeze my way through schoolwork and get B's with
minimal effort.  Chemistry was challenging that a little, but it was no big
deal.  Jenny had it slightly easier than me, and sometimes I envied her.
She told me that in her art class everyone had written down what kind of
projects they wanted to do, and that was how the teacher was going to plan
the class.  She had picked charcoal and pencil sketching, of course, and
that ended up being the first thing they did.  I was flipping through her
sketchbook one day after school during the break before my swim practice
started when one drawing in particular caught my eye.  It was a portrait of
Josh, done in a very harsh lighting scheme and a few strands of hair hanging
in front of his eye.
	"Ooo-hoo, what's this?" I teasingly asked Jenny, holding up the sketch.
She blushed just a little bit.  Someone who didn't know her as well as I
might have never have even noticed.
	"Quit it Terry!  Put that down," she said.
	"What, you don't want anyone to see it?  I guess then that he doesn't know
you drew it, huh?" I replied, grinning.
	"We had to do a still life in class the other day.  You know I hate doing
composed still lifes, they're boring.  He was right across from me and it
just looked... It just came to me."
	"I'm sure it did.  You think he's cute, don't you."  I was grinning like
the Cheshire cat now; it wasn't a question and Jenny knew it.  She smacked
me on the arm and grabbed her sketchbook back.
	"Maybe.  So what," she said, sticking her tongue out at me.
	"Now Jenny, you know that younger guys are nothing but trouble," I started,
and she smacked me again, this time with her sketchbook. I fell back
laughing.  It was a running gag between us.  I kidded her about younger men
and she gave me a hard time about older women.
	I suppose I should explain.  Jenny was actually older than me by about
three months.  A couple of times over the years we had gone out with each
other.  It started in elementary school, with the 'check yes or no' notes,
and then the last time had been in eighth grade, which was pretty serious.
We'd even made out a couple of times, but eventually we figured out that we
were better off as friends.  She was attractive, don't get me wrong; about
five six, blondish brown hair down past her shoulders, deep brown eyes, a
gentle face, killer figure (not like an anorexic model either), and nice
tan.  I loved the way she smiled too.  But it was just pretty clear that we
were meant to be together as friends and we both knew it.  We stayed really
good friends though, and really open with each other too.
	In fact, before we'd gotten together in eighth grade we'd masturbated in
front of each other once ('you show me yours and I'll show you mine' can get
out of hand real fast sometimes), and after that...  Well let's just say
that while Jenny and I never had intercourse, we taught each other how to do
everything else.  We had both messed around with other people
(boyfriends/girlfriends coming and going) and told each other about it.
Probably the most interesting thing about our relationship was that we could
talk to each other about others of our same sex.  I mean, we could be at a
mall or something and see a person or a couple and both be able to talk
about how attractive not only the opposite sex was, but the same sex too.  I
don't know that she ever talked about other girls with her girl friends, but
I know I never talked about other guys like that with my guy friends.  It
just wasn't done.  But with Jenny, it was just another day.
	Which is why, getting back to the present so to speak, it didn't surprise
her that when I finally managed to stop laughing I agreed with her that he
'may-be' cute.  She just smirked at me.  "Yeah, well I said so first, so I
get dibs."
	"He's all yours hon," I replied, getting up and flipping her hair (which
she hates) as I headed toward the locker room to change.  She just smacked
my back with her notebook and pushed me along.

	Practice could get pretty grueling sometimes.  I was particularly sore
after that evening.  Swimming sprint laps for twenty minutes straight will
do that to a person.  I'd ended up on the swim team last year after the
track coach had told me I would be a pretty good candidate the spring of my
freshman year.  I'd been doing shot and some long distance running in track
that year, and I was more developed in the upper body than I was my legs.  I
wasn't too weak for fifteen, but now at six foot and 170 pounds, I was
solidly built for seventeen, and swimming gotten me tone I never came close
to in track.  I kept my hair short, buzzed to a quarter inch every couple of
weeks or so with my bangs a little longer.  And of course, as with most
swimmers I had little body hair (though I didn't have to shave a whole lot
to get that way).  Jenny called my face a 'rugged sort of handsome', though
she loved to joke with me about having my ear pierced (left, done when I was
fourteen, usually just a thin gold hoop).  My eyes were sort of a greenish
hazel, nothing spectacular, and usually kind of muddy looking.
	Coach had started me out in medium races, trying to gauge my endurance and
speed.  Swimming is a hell of a lot different than running.  Eventually
endurance won out and I ended up doing some of the longer events.  He'd also
had me try diving a couple of times, and it turned out I was a natural at it
providing things didn't get too fancy.  There's this old rock quarry about a
mile and a half from the school, and my house isn't too far in the opposite
direction.  I'd been swimming there since I was little, along with half the
kids who lived in the area.  On a busy weekend in the summer there would be
twenty or thirty of us there at once.  That's where I'd learned to dive (and
in case you're wondering, swimming for fun and swimming for a team is like
comparing a morning jog and a marathon).  Actually, this year Coach wanted
to push me up to the platform if I was ready for it.  I'd only been doing
the high board since the end of last season.
	However, there was one other factor contributing to my soreness that night.
  I was going to make one last dive before calling it a day.  Most others
had already finished; there were just a few people finishing laps.  I was
all set on the high board when just as I kicked off I noticed someone in the
bleachers that I could have sworn was Josh.  Normally nobody watches our
practices, so it threw me and I lost my concentration.  The result was a
very sloppy dive and a very sore leg.  When I came up and looked, there was
no one in the bleachers, and Coach was not happy.  He'd been watching me and
ended up making me do two more clean dives before letting me go.  You see,
diving isn't exactly the safest sport in the world.  Most people think water
is nice and soft, but it's not.  It can be as hard as concrete if you fall
far enough or hit it the wrong way.  There's been more than a few serious
neck and spinal injuries over the years in our conference.  I ended up
hitting the showers annoyed at myself.  Coach decided to push back the
platform another few weeks.  Oh well.

	At the beginning of the third week in chemistry we were given a project we
had to partner up for.  We were supposed to pick a chemical reaction between
two elements, and provided we could correctly explain the process and why it
happened, Mr. Morarty would demonstrate the reaction in class.  Including
those with explosive results!  At first I had planned to work with Tommy.
We shared this affinity for explosives and I figured between the two of us
we could come up with some really cool (and violent) reaction.  But as it
happened Josh's name was called first, and when asked whom he wanted to work
with, he didn't have an answer.  There was a brief awkward silence.
	Josh had been adjusting to his new school I guess, but in our class he was
kind of out of place.  One grade makes a world of difference sometimes, and
he hadn't really gotten to know anyone else in the class as far as I knew.
He was fine in other places, like art.  Jenny had told me about the project
they had started at the beginning of the week, which was making necklaces or
bracelets by weaving and adding different kinds of beads and charms and
stuff.  Apparently it had been Josh's project suggestion, and he had cranked
out two really cool pieces in the first day while most people had barely
gotten half of one done.  Jenny had been really impressed, and I gathered
that (at least in art) they were on reasonably friendly terms.  Moving right
along apparently, from what I know about Jenny's pacing.
	Well, call me a sucker, but I had a pretty good idea about the position
Josh was in.  While I had an advantage in that I knew everyone and Josh
didn't, I also knew what it was like to not be part of a group.  When it
came down to it, I wasn't really either.  I wasn't a jock even though I was
on a couple of sports teams, or a nerd despite my ease in class, or any of
those other labels people usually get stuck with.  I got along with almost
everybody, and I hung out at school with whomever I felt like at a given
moment.  I might not have been popular or anything, but I was relatively
accepted and included in a few of every group's 'things'.  I decided that
someone had to give Josh a break here in chemistry, and it might as well be
me.  Besides, Jenny sure would like an 'insider' if I was reading her
intentions right (and I knew I was).
	"I'll work with him," I spoke up.  "If you want to that is, Josh," I said,
looking over at him.
	"Yeah, uh... thanks," he said.
	"No problem."  There, I'd done my 'good deed for the day', as it were.  I
didn't think anything else of it, and I didn't think anyone else did either
until after class, because Morarty just went on down the list.  As we walked
out, I waited at the door for Josh and we arranged to meet right after
school to get started before I had practice.  But Tommy had hung back in the
room as everyone was leaving and came up to me after Josh walked off.
	"Are you nuts or something?" he asked.
	"Hey man, sorry about that, but I felt like someone needed to give him a
break," I replied.
	"You're kidding, right?"
	"What?  What do you mean?"
	"You had to give him a break, of all people.  You mean to tell me you
haven't noticed?"
	"Noticed what Tommy?  Spit it out."
	"You've never seen how he's always looking at you?  Like he's checking you
out.  I know he's not obvious about it or anything, but come on; you had to
have seen something!  At least a couple of other people have."  My mind
flashed briefly back to the previous week and my botched dive, but I
dismissed it.
	"I haven't got a clue what you're talking about.  He needed a partner,
nobody else seemed like they were going to volunteer, and Jenny is
interested in him.  I figured it'd be wins all the way around."
	"Yeah, well I'm willing to bet that Jenny loses out on this one."
	"What do you mean?  And you better not spread that, least of all to him, or
Jenny would be pissed at me.  And if that happens, I'll be pissed at you."
	"Hey, my lips are sealed.  You just keep an eye on him."
	"For WHAT?" I said, getting a little exasperated by this point.
	"You'll know it when you see it."
	And with that he walked off.  I wasn't exactly dense as to what he was
suggesting, but it seemed that Tommy was just making a few too many leaps of
logic for my taste.  Looking back, I realize now that's where the whole mess
started.  I should have seen it coming, but I didn't.

	Josh was waiting for me in front of the gym after school.  "Hey Josh,
what's up?" I said, as Jenny and I walked up to him.  He had been sitting on
the island at the edge of the cafeteria hunched over a notebook, and hadn't
noticed us coming I guess, because he jumped a little.
	"Oh hey, didn't see you coming.  Just working on this stupid English
essay," he replied, looking up.  "Hey Jenny," he added.
	"Hi Josh," she answered, not quite her usual outgoing self.  Yeah, she was
interested all right.
	"Well, I've got about twenty minutes before practice here, how about we
just figure out what reaction we're going to do," I suggested as I sat down
next to Josh on the island.  Jenny sat down on my other side and pulled out
her sketchbook, roughing out what looked like a design for a necklace or
something.  "I was thinking something explosive, but I know Tommy is going
to want to have the biggest bang, so how about a fireball?"
	"Some kind of rapid oxidation then..."  Well, at least he knew his stuff
and I wouldn't have to do all the work myself.
	"Whoa there, in English boy!" I joked.  Josh had seemed a little nervous
when I sat right next to him so I was trying to be friendly, but I guess it
just made him even more tense.
	"Sorry, I mean..." he stammered.
	"Josh, hey, relax. I was kidding.  How about doing something where the
flame has a little color too?  Just to make it more interesting."
	"Yeah, sure."  He seemed to relax at least a little bit, and we spent the
next ten minutes pitching different metals back and forth.  I don't even
remember what we settled on, but we made plans to write everything out
Thursday after my practice.  He started shoving his books back into his
backpack and I got up to go get changed for practice, telling Jenny I'd see
her the next day.
	"Later Terry.  Hey Josh, I was wondering if you show me how to do this
knot," she said.  I turned around and continued walking backwards toward the
locker room, watching her hold her sketchbook out to Josh to show him the
thing she'd been working on while we had discussed chemistry.
	"Yeah, no problem.  It's kind of complex, but just like adding a few of the
ones you already did together.  You have cord on you?" Josh replied.
	As Jenny started pulling some art stuff out of her backpack, I called out
to them.  "You kids have fun now, don't stay out too late!"  She looked up
at me, and since Josh had his back to me I made a couple of smooching faces
at her.  If looks could kill, I'd have never made it to practice.  I
practically fell into the locker room laughing.

	Thursday rolled around and I was just finishing up an easy practice.  Coach
was going to give us Friday off since we'd done so well at our last meet,
which was fine by me.  There was a group of people getting together for one
last swim of the summer at the quarry after school that day, and now I would
be able to go.  It was supposed to be the last really warm day of the
summer, because the forecast said the temperature was going to drop twenty
degrees by the next week.  Jenny had told me about the get together the
previous afternoon, when she finally started talking to me again.  I had
kind of pissed her off with that comment in front of Josh, but she never did
stay mad at me for long.  Apparently Josh hadn't noticed anyway.
	"I think he might be interested in me," Jenny had told me at lunch.
	"Well, I'd hope he's figured out you are in him by now.  Maybe it's just
cause I know you so well, but you couldn't make it any clearer to me if you
put up a billboard with flashing lights," I teased her.
	"Yeah, well you have privileged information too."  I started to protest,
but she continued, "You're not as observant as you think Terry.  I bet you
don't even have a clue that Amanda has a huge crush on you right now."
	"Huh?  Amanda?  You're kidding."  She just grinned at me.  We'd talked
about Amanda before and how I thought she was kind of attractive, but I
didn't know her all that well.  "Ok, fine, don't tell me.  But seriously
though, what makes you think Josh might be interested in you?"
	"It's not like it's a rare event or anything.  After all you were!"
	"Jenny that's not what I meant and you know it."
	"Yeah, but I owe you a few," she smirked.  "Well anyway, after you went off
to practice we were talking while he showed me how to make that necklace I
drew.  Somehow we got to talking about Jerry and Lindsy, this couple in art
class who are always all over each other."  I nodded, familiar with who she
was talking about.  They were both in track the spring before, and both the
girl's and boy's teams were just about positive the two of them had been
doing each other for a while.  Particularly since they always seemed to both
disappear at the same time during meets.  "Well, there was this pause for a
minute," Jenny went on, "and then Josh asks me if you and I are together."
	I grinned.  "And what did you tell him?"
	"The truth.  That we had been in the past, but that I wasn't seeing anybody
right now."
	"And his reaction?"
	"Well, when I said that we had been he seemed sort of disappointed, but by
the time I finished... Well I guess he didn't have much of a reaction at
all."
	"Maybe you just misread him.  He probably didn't want to let on he was
interested in you right then."
	"Yeah, that's what I figured, but I was hoping he was going to ask me out
this weekend."
	"Give him a while, or make the move yourself Jenny.  You know he's new
here, and you ARE a grade above him," I said, slightly annoyed.  I get so
sick of the guy always having to make the advance.
	"You're probably right.  But you know I hate making the first move."
	"Women.  Why does it always have to be the guy who asks out the girl?  You
think we're any less nervous than you?  I mean, hell, if Amanda would ask me
out I'd go with her.  How does she expect me to know she's interested if she
doesn't tell me?"
	"Well the same goes for you Terry.  Why don't YOU ask HER out?"
	"So you're saying she really does have a crush on me..."
	The conversation had gone on from there, but Jenny never did give me a
straight answer.  I think it was more payback for the Josh comment.  At any
rate, I hadn't talked to Amanda yet and probably wouldn't for a while.  I
was interested, yes, but I just wasn't really looking for a relationship
like that at the time.  I finished my last lap and climbed out of the pool,
noticing Josh in one of the first couple bleachers.  "Hey Josh, I'll be out
in a second," I called, heading into the locker room.  He waved as I
disappeared inside.
	I rinsed the chlorine off my body and out of my hair as best I could, then
went over to my locker to change.  Nick, a fellow teammate who had the
locker next to mine, was just tying off his shoe and heading out.  He
stopped though as I sat down to undo my lock.  "You know that kid out
there?" he asked.
	"Who, Josh?  Yeah, he's a sophomore but he's in my chemistry class.  We
have a project we have to do together.  Why?"
	"Just wondering," Nick replied.  "I see him watching our practices a lot,
wondered why."
	"A lot?  What do you mean?"
	"Well, he's not here every day, but at least two practices a week he's
either standing in the door for a while or up on the back set of bleachers."
	"Really?"
	"Yeah, he's there alright," Bo, another member of the team, chipped in.  "I
see him once in a while too.  I don't usually notice him because I'm more
focused down on the pool and stuff."
	"Huh.  I haven't ever noticed him.  Guess I'm the same way," I half lied,
thinking back to the dive I'd screwed up a week before.  Maybe Josh had been
there after all.  "You guys going to be there tomorrow at the quarry?"
	"Yeah.  Seems kind of stupid to get out of practice to go swimming, but
hey," Bo said, grinning.
	"See you guys there then."
	"Later Terry."
	As I finished changing, I thought back to when Tommy had stopped me after
class on Monday.  "You'll know it when you see it," he'd said.  So Josh had
been watching the swim team practice.  Big deal.  And Jenny said he'd seemed
disappointed when he found out she and I had been together, but...  Ok,
maybe Tommy *had* been paying more attention than I.  I decided to make a
few observations of my own.  Grabbing my stuff and shutting my locker, I
went back out to meet Josh.  He hadn't moved.
	"So where do you want to finish this up?" I asked him as he stood up.
	"Doesn't matter to me."
	"How about your place?  It's not far, right?"  Jenny was giving me more
information at this point than I was giving her.
	"No, just a couple blocks on the other side of that rock quarry.  I guess
we could type it up on my computer."
	"Cool.  Lead the way," I gestured.
	We talked about school mostly as we walked to his house.  When that started
getting a little old, I asked him about Florida.  He said it had been nice,
and he missed living there.  Apparently his dad worked in the computer
industry and had been transferred up here as part of a promotion.  Josh
didn't really seem too talkative about where he'd come from so I told him a
little about myself, having lived there all my life, growing up with Jenny
and all.  He said he'd noticed we were pretty close, and I took the
opportunity to give him a more detailed description of our relationship, how
we'd been out together but both decided we just wanted to be friends.  He
seemed kind of surprised at that.  Of course, I didn't mention anything
about sex, half figuring he might have a virgin hang-up or something.
	Josh had moved into a pretty nice two-story house.  It looked either new or
renovated, both inside and out.  His room was on the second floor at the
back, and that's where we headed to work on the assignment.  The house was
quiet, and I assumed nobody else was there.  The first thing I noticed about
his room was the huge surfboard hanging along the ceiling.  "Cool looking
board.  You surfed long?"
	"Yeah, since I was ten or so.  Guess I won't be getting much use out of it
around here though."
	"No, probably not.  There isn't even a wave park around here or anything.
I tried it on vacation once, but wasn't very good at it."  Looking around
the rest of his room, I saw it was pretty clean.  The queen-sized bed was
actually made and there weren't any clothes on the floor, which was covered
in this fuzzy blue plush carpet.  There were a couple of posters on the
darkish green walls, cars and one or two surfers on some huge waves.  No
girl or swimsuit posters, but that didn't strike me as odd since I didn't
have any either.  They always struck me as boring or common, like how you
can't even turn on the TV today without seeing a mostly naked body.  We sat
down at the desk in front of his computer and got started.
	The assignment ended up taking us an hour to get all worked out.  It wasn't
difficult, just time consuming to explain in a paper.  Josh and I seemed to
work well together and didn't have trouble understanding what the other was
trying to say when things got confusing or technical.  Remembering the
conversation in the locker room shortly after we had gotten started, every
once in a while I would glance out of the corner of my eye or look right at
him.  Most of the time he was either looking at the books or computer, or
staring off to his left at something (or nothing).  A couple of times I
noticed he was looking at me, but not enough to warrant the attention that
Tommy had been indicating.  Once again, I dismissed him watching the team
practice.  When we finally finished, I started putting up my stuff and asked
him if he was going to be at the quarry the next day.
	"For what?" he asked.  It figured no one had invited him.  Those of us who
were regulars typically hated when a ton of people showed up, so we kept it
fairly quiet.  I decided one more couldn't hurt, and I knew Jenny would
agree with me.
	"Some of us go swimming there a lot, and tomorrow is sort of the last run
for the summer, before the weather changes.  You want to go?  Jenny and I
will be there."  I didn't think I was crossing any lines as far as Jenny was
concerned.
	"The others won't mind?"
	"No, not at all.  It'll probably be thirty or so of us at most, and I'm
sure no one will mind one more."
	"Ok, I guess I'll be there then."
	"Cool."  I explained how to get down to the swimming area, then got up to
leave.  That's when I noticed the mirror on the far wall, right where he had
been looking all those times I thought he was staring off into space.

	The next morning during homeroom, I found myself talking to Tommy about the
chemistry assignment.  It was due that day, but Morarty wouldn't be
demonstrating anything until he had graded them, which would be sometime
next week.  I had been right in figuring Tommy and his partner would end up
going for the big bang.  Even in small amounts their reaction would make a
lot of noise.  It promised to be interesting, but Tommy was having doubts as
to whether Morarty would actually go through with it.
	"So what did you and Josh end up doing?" he asked me.
	"Well, I knew you wanted to go for explosive, so I figured we'd go for
fire.  We flipped through the book for a while before practice on Monday
decided to go with some kind of metal so we'd have a colored flame."
	"Cool.  You guys finished right?"
	"Yeah, I went over to his place after practice last night and we worked it
out and typed it up."
	"Wait a minute, you went to his house?" Tommy asked, sounding a little
incredulous.
	"Well I didn't feel like staying all night at school.  Why, what's the big
deal?"
	"Did you see his room?"
	"Yeah, it's a hell of a lot cleaner than yours."
	Tommy didn't answer for a moment, just sat looking at me quietly.  "I bet
he was staring at you the whole time, wasn't he?  Damn, I can't believe you
actually went into his room!"
	"Hold up.  Where the hell are you getting all this from?  No he wasn't
staring at me the whole time," I said, choosing to forget the mirror.  "I
saw him out of the corner of my eye or looked up a couple of times and he
was looking at me.  That's it, no more than you would be if we were sitting
right next to each other working together out of the same books.  What, did
you think he was going to try to jump me or something?"
	"No man, I just wondered."  He didn't sound very convincing.  "I'm telling
you, I see him staring at you all the time.  You don't have to go getting
defensive."
	"I'm not.  I just can't figure out why you have it in for Josh.  He's new,
he's a grade below us, and he's never done anything to you.  Why are you so
convinced that he's gay and he's after me?  So you think you see him looking
at me all the time.  Maybe he's just staring into space in my general
direction.  If you're watching him so closely you ought to have noticed by
now that he's off in his own world half the time during class."
	"Dude, chill!  I'm just saying..."
	"I KNOW what you're saying," I cut him off.  "You've been saying it almost
from day one.  Do me a favor and give it a rest, all right?  Even if he is
staring at me, I don't give a shit, ok?  Let him.  And by the way, I invited
him to the quarry today, so don't give him any crap, ok?  Jenny is
interested in him and you know it, that's mostly why I did it."
	Tommy looked like he was going to get upset when I mentioned inviting Josh
to the quarry, but the second I brought up Jenny his face went blank.
"Fine, you don't want to listen to me, don't.  I won't say another word to
you about it, if you just watch him in class today.  I bet you that more
than half the time he's looking at you.  Not empty space, not his books, not
someone behind you, but you."
	"If that's what it takes to get you to lay off, deal."  Tommy just put up
his hands.  Then the bell rang and we headed out to first period.
	I was getting concerned.  Something kept nagging at the back of my mind
that Tommy was right.  But what did I care?  I'd checked out guys before,
though usually with Jenny.  So what if Josh was looking at me all those
times?  Unfortunately, my train of thought didn't stop there but kept going
to the end of the line.  If he was checking me out, and he was gay...  Did
it matter?  Well, Jenny wouldn't be too happy, and of course neither would
Josh.  I mean, Jenny and I had talked about having sex with members of the
same sex, but never seriously like we were going to do it or something.  At
least I didn't think, I had always been in the 'what would it be like' mode.
  But it wouldn't really bother me if Josh were gay.  And what the hell was
up with Tommy?  Unless he was just an outright redneck (which was entirely
possible around here, but I knew he wasn't), I couldn't see any reason he
would be after Josh.  Tommy could be a little crass and sexist at times, but
not hateful.
	When I walked into chemistry, Tommy and Josh were already both there.
Tommy just looked up at me for a minute and then went back to reading his
textbook.  Josh saw me and waved, and I nodded back and sat down.  I
couldn't really concentrate the whole period.  But I did what Tommy asked,
and watched Josh out of the corner of my eye.  At first I didn't notice
anything, but after a while I started just using my peripheral vision and
focusing on his eyes.  By the time the period was three quarters of the way
over I knew Tommy was right.  Exaggerating a lot, but he was right.  There
was no way to mistake it; Josh was checking me out whenever he could.  When
the bell rang and we got up to leave, Tommy just shot me this blank 'I told
you so' look and walked out.

	I was in a kind of daze the rest of the day.  I didn't know what I was
going to, or rather what I should do, if anything.  Should I ask him point
blank, or just ignore it?  For once I couldn't go to Jenny, because she was
hardly impartial now.  But she knew something was up from the way I was
acting.  She finally said something as we were walking to the quarry with Bo
and Jessica, one of Jenny's friends.
	"Terry, what's bugging you?  You've been out of it all day."
	We had just come out of the VP on the corner and with the others right
there, there was no way I was going to tell her, so I tried to blow it off.
"Nothing.  Just a little out of it I guess.  It's been a long week."
	"I hear that," said Bo.  I tried to join in the conversation the rest of
the way down to the swimming area, and did a half passable job I guess,
because Jenny let it go.
	The quarry is divided into three different pits, two on the north side of
the road, and one on the south.  The swimming area is down in the north
eastern one on the far side from the road, and you had to go along the top
of the wall between the two pits on that side to get there.  They hadn't
been taking stuff out for years, and all the pits were full of water.  In
fact, there was supposed to be a tunnel under the road that was over twenty
feet high, but you couldn't see it.  The access road on this side went back
along the wall, then switch-backed down to a shelf at the water level about
thirty feet below the level of the paved road.  Obviously the pit was deep,
at least sixty feet or so.  It was fenced off and posted no trespassing, but
no one had ever gotten in trouble for swimming there and local dive
instructors actually used it for some of their classes.  There was even a
loose corner of fence where the way back was that no one had ever even tried
to fix during the whole time I'd been going there.
	By the time Jessica, Bo, Jenny, and I arrived there were already fifteen or
twenty people there, some sitting on the edge and others swimming or playing
tag in the water.  I threw my stuff down and stripped off my shirt and
sandals, then dove in.  The water was actually kind of warm.  I swam around
a little, eventually joining in the tag game.  About twenty minutes later
Josh showed up.  I swam over to the 'beach' and said hello.  He knew a
couple of the people there, and I introduced him to a few of the others who
were nearby.  Jenny had swum out to a large rock and was sitting on it
talking with a couple of people.  I pointed her out to Josh and told him he
ought to go say hi.
	He thanked me and took off his shirt and shoes.  It was the first time I'd
seen him shirtless, and that tan wasn't a farmer's tan.  He looked good; not
ripped or anything, but I could definitely see more of why Jenny was
interested in him.  I wondered if Jenny had seen him like that yet, then
suddenly realized I might be staring.  Apparently Josh didn't think so,
because after dipping his foot in the water he jumped in and swam out to the
rock Jenny was on, then started treading water nearby.  I turned around to
rejoin the game of tag, but noticed a few people were further our on a
higher rock doing some dives.  Tommy was just about to jump, but I before he
did I saw him look from me to Josh and back again.  I had almost managed to
forget about the whole thing while I was playing tag, but I remembered it
now.  I swam out to join the divers.
	Diving in a rock quarry is actually a pretty stupid thing to do.  There is
no way of knowing how deep the water is or if there are any rocks or debris
in there in the way.  But a long time ago people had checked out the area
around this rock and made sure it was safe, unlike the cliff next to the
beach, which looked fine but actually had rock piled about fifteen feet
down.  I started climbing up as Tommy jumped, but after he came up he headed
to the beach.  I figured he was pissed at me for earlier in the morning, so
I just let it go and joined the three guys and two girls who were still
diving.  Just before I made my second jump, I saw Tommy sitting on the beach
talking to a couple of guys, and Josh was now up on the rock with Jenny
talking.  They were the only two there, and I began to wonder if Tommy
hadn't made me paranoid or something.  Mentally I urged one of them to kiss
the other to put anyone's doubts to rest (probably mine most of all).  I
went back to swimming, thinking it might be a nice day after all.
	I should have known it wouldn't stay that way.  Tommy had too big a burr up
his ass, and I have no idea why I even thought he would leave Josh alone.
After we had been there for about an hour, the crowd maxed out at around
thirty people.  Some people had already left, others were starting to leave,
and there hadn't been any new arrivals for about half an hour.  I figured
I'd stay another half an hour or so, then split.  I didn't have any plans
for the evening, though I knew there were a couple of sleepovers going on.
I wasn't thinking about going to any of them, but I thought I'd check and
see what Jenny was doing.  That's when I heard someone shout, "Fuck you!"  I
looked around and saw about half the other people doing the same.  Then my
eyes landed on the rock where Jenny and Josh had been talking.
	Except now Tommy was there instead of Josh, and Josh was swimming toward
the beach.  I headed into ask him what was wrong, but he was already half
way back to the top by the time I got to land.  Most people had gone back to
whatever they were doing, though a few were looking from Tommy to Josh and
back.  I swam out to find out what the hell had happened.  As I approached I
could see Jenny was upset, but confused.  Tommy was smiling, like he'd just
been laughing.  I swam over and grabbed the side of the rock, looking up.
	"What was that all about?"
	"I don't know..." Jenny started, but Tommy interrupted her.
	"I just asked him a question.  Guess he didn't want to answer."  Then he
jumped over me and swam towards another group of our friends.  I mentally
kicked myself for not having seen this coming.
	"What happened Jenny?" I asked, knowing but wanting to confirm it as I
climbed up on the rock beside her.
	"I'm not sure.  Well, actually I am, but I don't understand it."  I just
looked at her, waiting for her to continue.  Josh was already out of sight
back towards the road.  "Josh and I were just talking, he was telling me
about surfing, when Tommy came up out of nowhere.  I said hi, and he waved,
but he never took his eyes off Josh.  After a second, Josh asked what he
wanted, and Tommy goes 'Are you gay?'  Just like that.  Josh said huh, and
Tommy repeated the question, and then Josh said no and asked what he was
talking about.  Tommy just looked at him again, then grinned and asked why
he was always staring at you.  Does he do that?"
	"Tommy seems to think so, but I haven't seen him do it enough to make that
big a deal out of," I said, angrily.  Even if he was right and Josh was gay,
which I still hadn't decided for sure, Tommy had no right to bring it up in
front of other people like that.  "He was on me about it this morning and I
told him to back off.  Obviously he didn't listen.  He's got it in for Josh,
but I can't figure out why.  You have any idea?"
	"No, not a clue.  But anyway, Josh just sat there for a second like he
didn't know what to say, then yelled at Tommy.  I'm sure you heard it.
After that he just jumped in and swam away.  Tommy watched him go and said
'I guess that answers that.'  That's when you showed up."
	"Dammit, what is Tommy's problem?!" I wondered out loud.  "Look, I'm about
to take off anyway, I'll try and call Josh when I get home.  You doing
anything tonight?"
	"Jess and I are going over to Erica's for the night with a couple of
others."
	"Well, have fun.  I'll talk to you on Monday, ok?"
	"Yeah.  See you later Terry."

	I tried calling Josh after I got home, but go no answer.  Not then or the
other three times I tried that night before going to bed.  After running
some errands for my mom I tried again on Saturday, with the same result.
Later that evening I tried going by his house, but no one was home.  I spent
most of the day doing house chores and wondering where he had gone.  I
finally got through on Saturday night, but his mom answered and said he'd
already gone to bed.  She asked if I wanted her to give him a message in the
morning, but I just said to tell him I had called.
	Sunday came and went, and Josh didn't call back.  Jenny phoned and said she
had tried calling too, but got no answer.  We talked about it for a little
while, but still couldn't figure out why Tommy had done what he had.  We
decided to try to find out Josh's side at school the next day, wondering if
he and Tommy had a run in we didn't know about.  But that proved kind of
pointless as well.  Josh avoided both us as much as he could.  In art class
he sat as far from Jenny as he could and didn't talk to anyone.  He just
mumbled something and walked away when she tried to talk to him.  In
chemistry he hadn't said a word to anyone, and had come in and gone as fast
as he could.  I also noticed he stared straight ahead or at his book the
whole time.
	As for Tommy, I hadn't been able to talk to him in homeroom because of some
presentation, and when Josh walked into chemistry staring at the floor he
had just started grinning.  I was so pissed at the way Tommy was acting that
I hadn't even tried to talk to him after that.  At lunch Jenny and I decided
that we were going to have to grab Josh after study hall to find out what
exactly was going on.  As if I didn't have a pretty good idea already.  The
only reason I could think Josh would be avoiding us was if Tommy's
accusation were true.  I didn't know what I was going to do about it, but I
sure as hell wasn't going to just let things go like they were.  When the
bell finally rang after study hall I almost had to run out the door to catch
him, and when I finally did I actually had to grab his shoulder to get him
to stop.
	"Josh, wait a minute.  What's going on?" I asked him.
	"Yeah, why won't you talk to us?" Jenny asked, catching up to stand beside
me.
	"Just let go and leave me alone Terry.  Please," Josh said, looking at the
floor.  His hair was hanging in front of his eyes, so I couldn't see them.
It reminded me of Jenny's sketch.
	"I'll let you go, just tell us what's wrong and why you won't talk to us,"
I said, relaxing my grip but keeping my hand on his shoulder.  He still
didn't say anything.
	"He doesn't want to admit the truth guys, that's what's wrong."  Tommy had
come up behind us while we were talking.  "He doesn't want you to know he's
a fag."  Josh looked up at Tommy and there was a mixture of rage and fear on
his face.  I could tell fear was winning out.  A small crowd was gathering
around us now, which was not going to help matters any.  "Right Josh?
You're a fag, aren't you."
	"And how the hell would you know Tommy," I said, turning to look him in the
face.
	"Oh come on Terry, you know it as well as I do, even if you want to ignore
it.  Josh here has a crush on you.  He's always staring at you."  He turned
back to Josh.  "C'mon Josh, admit it, you're a fag and you want to jump
Terry here."
	Facing Tommy, I wasn't paying much attention to my grip on Josh's shoulder,
and he took the opportunity to jerk away from me.  He broke through the
circle of people that had surrounded us, taking off for the door and out of
the school.  Jenny turned to look at Tommy, and she was pissed.  Tommy was
still smiling.  "Why the hell did you do that Tommy?"
	"Hey Jenny, sorry if I embarrassed the guy, but I just didn't want you
wasting your time on a guy who wasn't ever going to be interested in you."
	That's when it clicked for me.  Tommy had started all of this because he
was jealous of Josh.  He wanted to go out with Jenny, and I had gone and
told him point blank that she was interested in Josh.  "You son of a
bitch..." I started, but Jenny interrupted me.
	"Sorry my ass.  You knew exactly what you were doing you bastard."  Then
she turned and pushed her way through the crowd to follow after Josh.  I
wasn't sure what to do.  I was royally pissed at Tommy right then, and
regardless of whether we were pretty good friends or not I was about to
light into him.  Normally I'm not one to start fights; I've only had to
fight a couple of times, and they were relatively short draw encounters.
Tommy and I would be at the least evenly matched, if he didn't have the
advantage.  Then I realized that he wasn't even worth it, and I would be
worth more if I went after Jenny and Josh.  So I gave him one of those 'evil
death' stares, and then went after them.  The crowd was already breaking up,
and they were quick to get out of my way.
	"Hey man, I thought you didn't care," Tommy called after me.  I gave him
the finger over my shoulder and just kept going.

	I caught up with Jenny just outside of the school.  We didn't see Josh
anywhere but figured he would probably be headed home, so I led the way in
that direction.  We caught up with him about fifteen minutes later, but that
was only because he had stopped.  Josh was standing on the far side of the
fence, at the edge of the quarry pit on the north side of the road.  His
back was to us and he was staring down toward the place everyone swam from,
right over the deepest part where the tunnel under the road was.  At first I
didn't think he noticed us, but as I started to pull back the corner of the
fence for Jenny to duck under he spoke.
	"Leave me alone dammit," he said, barely loud enough for me to hear from
forty feet away.  His voice was rough, like he'd been crying.
	"Hey Josh, I just want to talk to you for a minute.  I know..." I started,
but he cut me off.
	"You know what?!" he shouted, turning towards me.  I could see he had been
crying; fresh tears were still rolling down his cheeks.  "You don't know
shit.  You and your fucking friends.  What, did they send you after me to
find out if I really was gay?  Figured if I had it on for you that I'd tell
you if you were alone?"  He turned back toward the pit.
	"Hey man, I..."
	"Just go away!" Josh said, angrily but not shouting anymore.  "They're
right.  I'm a fag.  Happy now?  Mom and Dad were wrong; things aren't any
different here.  I can't change who I am."  His voice got even quieter, so I
could barely hear what he was saying above the breeze coming over the
quarry.  "I can't be something I'm not."  I ducked under the fence and
started walking towards him.
	"Josh, wait a minute.  That's not why we came after you."  He looked over
his shoulder for a moment and seemed to notice Jenny for the first time.
	"He's telling you the truth Josh, the others didn't send him," she said.
"He followed me because I was coming after you."
	"It doesn't matter.  I don't care anymore, go back and tell the whole
fucking school.  It can't get any worse."  Josh's voice dropped to a
whisper, and I almost didn't hear what he said next.  "And it's never going
to get any better either..."
	In that instant I realized why Josh had stopped here instead of going home.
  "No, wait!  DON'T!" I shouted as I started running.  But it was too late;
Josh had already stepped forward... off the edge of the pit and into thin
air, more than thirty feet above the water below.  I heard Jenny give a
short scream as I slid to a halt at the edge, just in time to see him hit
the water.  I froze for just an instant, watching the white bubbles well up
where Josh had gone in, then slowly smooth over.  That's when instinct took
over.  I knew that the far side of the quarry and the only way down to the
water was at least a half-mile away.  I also knew that Josh had less than
four minutes to live... if he was still alive.
	I started kicking off my shoes and pulling my t-shirt over my head.  Jenny
was just gripping the fence and saying "Oh my god," over and over again.  At
least until she noticed me stripping.  "Terry, what are you doing!?" she
shouted.
	"Run back to the VP and call 911 Jenny.  Now," I ordered, a lot calmer than
I felt as I peeled my socks off.
	"What are you going to do Terry?!  You can't jump from up here!" she
screamed.
	"Yes, I can.  GO!" I said.  "NOW!" I shouted when I saw she wasn't moving.
Jenny has known me for a long time, and she knew when I get like that
nothing she says will stop me from whatever I'm doing.  As soon as she
turned and started running, I moved back to the edge of the pit.  The water
was almost calm again, and I couldn't see Josh anywhere.  My jeans were
going to be a bitch seconds after I hit the water, but I didn't have time to
take them off.  I stepped up with my toes over the edge, arms at my side.
My eyes closed and I took two long, deep breaths.  Then I dove.

*** End of Part 1 ***

Part two will be along in a week.  It's been written, but I felt the need
for a break here (yes, I'm playing mind games with you, dear readers :).
Feedback is, as always, welcome.  Some responses to Midwest Dreams got me to
think about characters in ways I had never considered before, and I am ever
grateful (in fact, I keep them with the story).  Flames will be ignored,
personal responses given the utmost effort as long as is possible.
ghost397@hotmail.com