Date: Fri, 14 Feb 2003 11:20:42 -0800
From: Tim Stillman <novemberhourglass@yahoo.com>
Subject: bisexual/adult-young friends "Testement"

				"Testement"

				    by

			     Timothy Stillman



I am a goodly woman, tho aul I hafe is my witchcrafte.
Though I am not a witche. The good people of Salem
thinke otherwise. But I am a fine woman and I do not
practise blacke magick. For that es again the laws of the
land and the laws of my god in heaven above. I am
setting down these words in my own cruud hand to give
meaning to what hath happen to me on this night of Oct.
5, the year of our lorde.

I am a poore woman and a woman who lives singly. I
wus not borne with a call over my face. I do not have the
evile eye. I am a hard working woman who has truth to
tell never been bussed on the lips by boy girl man woman
or frogge when it comes to that matter. I reed little. I am
not good at it. But I attend Pastor Dimsmore's services
ever Sunday and stay with the church peeple there for all
the 5 hors of sermon and git together. They had allowed
the poor creeture that is me to do this. I am grattful to
them fer this thing.

I have seen in the mirror myself. Therefore I know
beyond dobt that I am not a witch, for then Pastor
Dimsmore say one wood be a witch, if she casate no
refleecton. Which is not true for me. I have never
commeeeted adultry like Goodly Woman Hester prine. I
am not embarrassed in what all of that involved. Because
good woman Hester and Pastor Dimsdale will have to
answer thos sticky queestons themselves. To a higher
maker and judge than is me.

I have commeeeted self love becase no one else wood luv
me and I has been see in the night hours in my ruud littel
hut doing so on my own little bed. Not botheration to no
one. Not to entece any. But too children seed me one
night. And the next nite too. And I am sore punished. I
did not see there little squirel ly faces at my window.
Only when Proctor Amel came to me with the plite he
was to put on my head like a bethreading with Satan the
Dark Prince himseelf that I knew. That they haed told
what I had doone.

They telled me in the courtroom that cheldren has been
hirt by me. That this is my witchcrafte and I am making
them---wan-ton. They say, so embarressed this, in front
of the peeple of my villege, right ther in the open thet the
town os beget with all sorts of buggery and sexual
mis-content. I set chained before table and I heer these
charges. I heer the peepel of the court say these things.
That children boys and girls are in the night time teeking
their apperell off and dancing neekid in the woods. And
preying to a deevil god. This is truly more than
misbegoten me can stand up to. I feel my face red with
shame.

they are long and pointy, the fingers thet point back at
me. They tell me I am raper. They tell me I am corruptor.
They tell me I bring sexual maledicons to there lovely
little children. But they know. They know and this is the
sorce of my shame. That when I self love myself I am
thinking, god in heeven help me, of boys and girls doin
eevil thangs. And tho I did no eville things to them. I thot
of doing them. And I stand convected in thought. If not
deed. If you think a bad thing, the bibel says, then you
have done this thing. I have thensefore dune this thing.

The courtroom is so hot and the words are soo meen. I
have heerd clergy be meen but always to someone not us
and that makes the diffrence. But when it is directed to
me, then it hurts, like the fir they will burn me on and the
hell i will be sent too. I have not had fances abut hurting
anyone. I have not had fances about force or makin
someone do what I say regerdless of if I want to or not.
Pastor Dimsmore has indeed made us all do what he
says, when he sais it. And he is meen. Terribly so.
Sumeone shuld writ a book about that and put him in his
place. Ficton it up and make it cume out to meen
somethin more than actual happend.

Tho it is fall it is still hot and windows are close in the
courtroom. But children listen and peep throu. I can see
them. How i wish I could a seed them those nites when i
was putting my finger into my self, even the words now
chill me to the bone, that one leetle plessure that was
mine is now gone, for i have no lust or no sex fer anyone
now. They cood set me free and i would go off into
wilder woods and live on berries and fresh spring watter
fer the rest of my days. like the animal they teled me tha i
am.

I am allow to speek at this triil, but why should I? There
heeds are as thick as the maple wood thet make up the
benches and desks here. They listen to nothin. When it
didnt effect me I didnt either. Now it effects me and I do
some mity hard listenin. And i alwaus will. From now on.

There have been other good ly women burnt at the steak.
They have caut fire and have screemed in pain and
everone cheeres and appluds and they feel good and holly
and they seem to feel as tho they has dun there fella man
a favor. And the women they has burnt too, as though
somehow this showes their goodnesse and the goodnesse
of their god who is no longer my god. he no longer clams
me and i no longer clam him. i know i will burn in hell. i
can do no less. i have discovered in all these days. i have
discovered what made Good Woman Hester run. how
muddle everthing got. how hopless is ones duty to god
and village and man and how you cunt think no more
sometime.

The 2 children testifyed. They told with big blusses on
there faces what i did to myself. they were led to go into
graffic detail of whut they saw. Shame hardened on me. i
could only look at the floor and as I did that, I saw one
of the law protectors had his hand a bit too neer his
croch on his left leg. and i found that made me smile in
spite of myself as tho he was storing up memores of whut
they sayed for later on when he was a lone. I think it
effected everone like that. The questoner kept asking
them mure and mure detales and the children then started
inventeng things. Started saying thangs that was not tru.
I thoug the bib under my chin wood flood with the shame
coming from me.

I coold not lissten. I tried to stop up my eers. But it wus
not possibel. I heerd there inventons. And i stunned
myself in the knowing that what they made up was the
fancy i was having bout them as they looked on in at me
withot my knowing it. So perhaps i may be a witche. I
maye have cuckoled all the children in Salem. I may be
the eevil parson they said i am. And as i listened to them
goin on and on and deviseing these sexual detals i thout
they were the witches insteed. how the courtroom got
hushed as a toom when the littel boy a goodly boy with
dark ravin hare and a face that looked as fare as a
summer day and as freednly too went on and describbed
such things as i put his member in my muth and i made
him harden and i took my hand and stroked the girl
beside himme and i turned from 1 to the other. and i cast
them into the devil camp. And i knew what he was goin
to say next. because that wuz exactly whut i was thinking
then as they watched me. And the girl testefed that i
made the boy put his member into her, purity of words
make me not write this parte. But the pont is the
courtroom was lissening with bated breeth. They were
hangin on ever word. I culd feel the silence. The listening
silence all roun me.

i imagined them imagining the children with them and
how it would be with themselfs tonite. and i thought then
i have bewitched the whole of the village. i have damed
everone in it. even pastor dimsmore who shoold have
been damed enough by now, i have damaged him more.
and i wallowed in shame. and sometimes i looked at the
boy and the girl when they were on the stand and i
loathed the english law we had brught to this new land,
the pomp and pump of it. the bloodlessnessse of it. The
way everthing is cut and dryed. When in life nuthing is
reely like that a tall. The questons give answers that are
as inaccurte as they cun be. Words are twistd and
meenings get all messed and torn apart. it is no good, this
law busness. it is sometimes worse than the crime. it is
sometime the crime.

the littel boy sayed that i made him and the littel girl take
off there clothes and dance together to a devil jig in the
moonlite outside my hut. Thet i feelt them all over and i
did my self plessuring in front of them out in the moonlite
on the hot nite. they described how i looked withut my
clothes on. and that was an importent point. how would
two small children know what a woman looked like
nekkid.  this wus anotur thing that made me feel like i
wus gilty. that tho when they saw me in my lonly bed i
was without apparell. But i was clothed in nite gown.
And had mu hand up under the gown. they could have
seed nothing. i am circumsized in quietude. i do not joy
myselff when i did this thing. i make it quick and as
plesureless as i possibly can. When it is over i go to
sleepe.

My trill lasteed a wek. i was fond gilty. which wus not
the biggest shock there has ever been. i am condemned to
be burnt to deeth tomorrow. i haf never come to
concluson i am a witch howesoever. even tho when i
seed the children on the commons in my free days long
ago i wood watch them, or in the schoolard, I would
watch them, playing. their suppel limbs, their sweet faces,
their constant running lags and there hands ever where
and their sun burnt joy of living. of life. of everthiing seen
all new and sparkly. and how i wished to run to them. be
a part of them. be with them when they sleeped and
dreamt. i wanted to be so close to them there dreems
would be my dreems and i would not be a lonely women
and i would not cry into my pillow at ngiht after i had
fingered myself which always made me feel miserble. but
i can't do it no longer and thet lettel bit of plessure is
over.

i do not now think i bewitched children or the town. i do
not now believe that ever childish mis deed can be lade at
my door entrance. becase in this cold dark cell on whose
floor of straw i must try to sleep but cain't i know that
there is only so many fancy images of sexual that one can
think and 1 can do and it is not a devil thing or a
betwitchin thing they wus thinking when they watched in
my window in the moon glow. That they coold imagne it
al easy nough and they  felt gultty about it or were caut
doin it with eech other or something along those lins and
they blammed it on me. and now god help me and now i
wish i had dun it i wish i could have called them into my
home and felt them all over and tooked off there
apparellle and cood have felt their sex parts and had them
du things that i coold watch and self plessure myself rite
then and thare. Thet i coood hae seen and fellt how a boy
differs from a girle feel wise, skin wise, kiss wise. that i
wish i had seed them when i wus abusing myself and thet
they so closee to me coold hae been closser.

i imagine lots of self abuse is going on in this village of
Salem with its stern faces and its flat shadowy hats and
its closed mooths and its clossed minds and its off limits
to everone not jest like them is. i wish i cood be a
cleening woman agan. i wish i could have made this all
not happene and could feel proude when a man of good
repute and postion would have danned to say hullo to me
in passing me on the board sidewalk some day and i did
not think mayelf eny diffrent then they and i thot that
others were wrong and evile and of the debbile. and we
had to keepe them confined and eventully sent to their
just punishment. and i wonder if i was not of the devil
then, after the court got thro with ne, after the graffic
testmony got finished, after i seed that man in court with
his hand close to his crotch as the child testfied, after the
gossps and the back biters and the back stabbers and the
front stabbers and the self abuse they dun themselfes to
those children that i had no part off--

--well i cant help but wonder if i now am a witchey
woman becase of them, because of there bellcocity,
because of their marble heeds, because of there need to
get some fatted caff sacrfied for there own sins, and i
wonder now tho i never thot this way afore if it is wrong
to be of the devil? if it is wrong to not luste after flesh
and to want to have relations with someone if it is wrong
not to give children the right to there own feelings till
they're stove up like the elders and deecons of the
churches here and the prim pious ladies in all there bussle
and dry goods shoppin and cannin foods for winter come,
and their children in there schoolin and must of there
schoolin is reeding the bible and all the terrible stuff in
thre that somehow makes burning a witch a thing of
beeuty and love and pints of ale afterwords because a
man deeling with a minon of satin proportions desevers a
littel jar rite after jist to steedy his nerves.

they hae made me what i am? i think that mae be so.

i wonder what hands were busy where on whos body real
or maginary and whut those haqnds did. i tried to abuse
myself a littel erlier tonite, but cant of course because the
funreal pire gets to burnin all desre but sadness out of a
person. i think there coold be money in this if a persson
do it right. i mean if a perrsson coold rite this stuff down
and coold make it reel morel and outraged and shameful
but go in greet detaile about whut happened like those
children testifying on the stand this is the greetest thing
that has happened on their lives. And might ever happen
in thrre lifes. money coold be made on this. it got the
courtroom excited. why would not a book of this get
reeders excited as lonng as the purpose of the book was
made clear--avod this at all cost, dont let what happen to
them happen unto you. Money is a subject Dimsmore and
the town fathers are quite intrested in. maybe one of
them will hae the idee some day.

i wish i had had sexx with someone. it would make all o
this eesier i feeel. i wish the boy named Legiance and the
girl named Idebelle had cum into my room that nite and i
wish they had asked me questons and i wish they had laid
me back down in my rude bed and i wish they had layed
on top of me and i wish i could have felt the little boy's
hard member through his thick wool breeches and i wish
the girl idebelle had put her hand under my nitegownn
and felled me there and askt why was it so hairry when
heres wasnt and i would tell her and the boy wooold feel
me too and they would be like littel elfs with the green
glow all round them an they woold laughed and giggeled
and been cited and have taken off my gown and would
hae eech suckled at my nipples and playyed with my
breests and they would a takin off their apparelle and
they would ha pushed my gown up and off my heed.

And the little boy Legiance could ha suckled at my nipple
and felled himslef at the same time and would have
rubbed his boy member on my naked stomach and the
girl woold look at all thet close, and now i am come. now
i have did it and i feel the powree washin thru me an i
wish to be out o this prison with the sad happy flowing
gushin thru me and my eyes not centrered on a dark cell
wall but out in the woods with the moon fool and the aire
hotte and fairies everywhere and beetiful littel yellow an
green glows and it would all be like a beetiful boticelli it
woold be nekkid cherubbs everywhere and they woold be
looking up at me and they woold be kissing me and they
woold let me kiss there owne magickal flessh and there
wooldbe music farr away and we woold be like a wood
carvin done a long long time ago. our fleshe woule be lit
as if from with in and we would glowwe with sexuality
and love and kindness and the joy and spirt of childhood
woood be theires and would be mine as well.

They wil rejoce tomorrow as much as they can these
stupd men with there stupd stern faces under their flatt
shadow hats and there will be such hatred in there harts
and they will sey preise jesus and sing hyms as i fry to
death as i catch fire as i scream and smolder and feel the
welcoming tongue of the flammes of hell there to greet
me, and these men will let there hate, and that of the
wommen too, spill over and they will think themselfs a
nobel bunche for what they hae done. and after the fire is
over my remains willl be taken out to the woods and
bured like those of a jackel or rabid wolff and that will be
the endin of me. and i hafe to tell you i both luv and hate
the children wh statded this. hate because they lied and
lied to get themeselves out of some sort of trubble, and
hate them because they did not do the things with me
they sad they did and if they had i would have gone into
the flames glady. and i love them becase they taut me
somethings will all ae this. they defineed sum things fer
me that i would have livedd withut knowing. like i was
like the other commoners in this town. like i was a part
of something.

when i was not a part of anythin at all. and that there sex
fancies were mine and and if only we could have
explorred them together what a lovely thing it wood have
been. there is another women on trial for withcraft and
there hafe been and will be more and when the eville is
burnt out of Salem town, when the eville is thus finlly
gone away and the deville is no more here, then the reele
eville will be rulin the town, the county, the state, the
cuntrry, will be preachin at the churches and the reele
eville will be the people in the courtroom listtenign to
ever lurrid detail and the eville will be the man with his
hands close to his crotch area as the childe spoke and
there will be no one to smote the eville down because the
eville are in charge and are making damed sure they bring
up their childrenne to be as eville as theye are and i have
no dobt that they will.

Evergreen Smalley
HUMAN BEING
Oct. 5, yeare of no lorde
Salem jail
last wille and testemente
an decleraton of freedom