Date: Thu, 26 May 2005 03:17:14 EDT
From: RitchChristopher@cs.com
Subject: as-i-remember-him-10

All rights reserved. Copyright held by the author. If you are underage or
are offended by gay fiction, containing graphic sex and explicit language,
please exit now.


<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>



                              "AS I REMEMBER HIM"

                                  A story by

                                Ritch Christopher

                                   * * * * *

                   "And though I loved the boy for such a little while..."


                                  Chapter Ten

	Steve changed channels again on the TV set but found only more
local news. Another fucking robbery and the cops, AGAIN, used their tasers
even when they didn't know whether or not the suspect was armed.  Another
poor loser gone, and probably unnecessarily. In his mind, Steve began a
tirade against all authority.  Didn't they care at all about humanity?  But
what was that? A knock on Steve's door? He wasn't expecting a guest; it was
nearly three hours before Chris was to arrive with his evening meal. So who
the hell was this? At the first knock, Steve decided to ignore it. His
cholesterol count was way out of whack for his AIDS condition and he sure
as hell didn't want to buy any Girl Scout cookies. A second knock, louder
than the first. After the third knock, Steve's curiosity got the better of
him. He gave in and went to the door.

	"Saint Peter? That had better be you at long last, because if it's
not you, then whoever it is, go away. Whatever you're selling, I already
have some or don't need it!"

	There was a slight pause, then he heard the fourth knock.

	"Oh, shit! Wrong guest! Lucifer? Lucifer? Beelzebub? Nick? Is that
you knocking on my door? You must have the wrong address. Tyler Cummings,
the drug dealer, lives two blocks over!"

	Then Steve heard a bit of laughter coming through the door from the
invader followed by. "Steve...?"

	'Oh, fuck, old Nick does know where I live!' Steve said to himself,
then called out to his visitor, "Who is it?"

	"Can you open up?"

	"Not until I see your badge and I.D.!"

	"Steve, it's me, Andy...Andy Thompson..."

	"Andy?"

	"Yes..."

	Steve opened his door no more than a crack and saw Andy standing
there looking bedraggled in a dirty pair of khaki coveralls and cloth
hospital slippers. "Jesus Christ! Did you escape from the state asylum?"

	"Practically..."

	"Well, come on in."

	Andy entered.

	"Where's Father Chris? Or did you come early to bring me the
antidote for this evening's dinner? Dear God! How horrible you look! I
swear I will never shop at The Gap again if that's what they sold you. Your
outfit...it's not Metrosexual, more like EXtrosexual."

	"I...these are the only clothes I could find to put on..."

	"I didn't know that the Salvation Army had a sub-basement sale on."

	"I...I stole them from a janitor's closet at the hospital."

	"Whoa, little guy. You'd better sit down and tell me what happened
from the start."

	"You sure you've got the time and do you really want to hear...?"

	"Hell, I'd miss 'Divorce Court' and 'Access Hollywood' both, just
to learn how you wound up on my doorstep dressed as you are."

	"You were the only person I could think of to come to...I had to go
somewhere safe, some place where my parents couldn't find me."

	"And you chose my place instead of running off to join the circus!
Whoop-de-doo!"

	"Steve...I...I tried to kill myself last night on my mom's sleeping
pills."

	"And since you didn't get the job done, you decided to come see me
and take a handful of my pills? Is that it? God knows, I have dozens of
bottles. I don't know what the fuck half of them are for or what they're
supposed to do, but you're welcome to any or all of them if you're really
serious about killing yourself. I don't think any of them will work though
as I seem to have tried every combination possible and I'm still here..."

	"No thanks."

	"Good, that's probably the first sensible decision you've made all
day. I should be the one attempting suicide, not you. But when a doctor
announces your eminent death sentence to you, suddenly all you want to do
is find some way to live a little bit longer. I'm dying from AIDS, so
what's your reason for wanting to end your early life...you gotta new case
of acne?"

	Andy's emotions tuned up to cry. "Steve, I...I'm so tired of
feeling lonely."

	"Well, you certainly came to the right place. I've always wanted to
hang a sign over my front door saying, 'Heartbreak Hotel'...'Abandon hope,
all ye that enter here!"

	"I...I'm serious, Steve."

	"I'm sorry is I'm making light of your dilemma. It's just that I
was where you are when I was about your age. I was lonely, too...have been,
all my life."

	"Yes, but I'd be willing to bet you weren't still a virgin when you
were my age, were you?"

	"A touch, I do confess it !! I'm afraid you've got me on that
one. I thought the new thing among today's youth was to pledge celibacy
until one gets married."

	"What if you're never gonna get married? How long do you have to
wait then?"

	"I know that my past and my reputation are commonly known. You
probably know more about me than I'll ever know about you, so pardon my
being blunt if I state things you're probably already aware of. I'm
gay. I'm a cocksucker. I sucked my first cock when I was twelve. Since
then, I've probably had more dicks in my mouth than there are bricks in the
Great Wall of China...and look where cocksucking got me!"

	"Yeah, but what if you think you're gay and never even touched
a...a penis other your own?"

	"At least you don't have HIV or AIDS!"

	"Maybe not, but I tried to die before you do..."

	"Andy, have you ever taken a good look at yourself? I mean a GOOD
look?"

	"I hate what I see."

	"Why, for Christ's sake? You're a good-looking young man and, since
I used to be a size queen, I've noticed that big bulge in your jeans when
you stop by in the evening with my food. Without first-hand knowledge, I'd
say you have a pretty good-sized dick swinging between your legs. Don't try
to convince me that some other gay young man your age hasn't noticed it as
I have."

	"What am I supposed to do? Whip it out and walk down the hall at
school advertising...?"

	"Hell, no! The hidden cock is much sexier than the one which is
displayed. You mean in all your life, you've never had a crush and did
something about it?"

	"I...I've had crushes, but I was always afraid to make the first
move, so I shied away."

	"Jesus! If I were still a high school senior and saw you coming
down the hall, I'd shove you into the nearest bathroom and go to work on
you good and proper!"

	"You...you find me attractive?"

	"I'm not dead yet, Andy. I find you attractive now, even in those
god-awful clothes you're wearing. Look, I'd bet my front-row seat in hell
that you are about the same size that Mark was. Why don't you go into his
closet and find something else to put on? You'll find clean, folded
underwear and fresh socks in his dresser and all kinds of jeans, shirts,
and shoes in his closet."

	"You think I should?"

	"You're not afraid of wearing a dead guy's clothes, are you?"

	"I don't think so..."

	"Then go into his bedroom there and change! When you come back, you
can sit down and tell me the long version of your overdose episode."

	"You...you won't call anyone and tell them I'm here, will you?"

	"If you want to hide, this is the best place I know. You don't want
anyone to see you? Shit, no one comes here at all. Neither you nor I is
breaking the law. I'm not harboring a fugitive, am I, or am I? I realize
you stole those clothes you're wearing, but I defy any law officer to
arrest you for stealing THOSE! God, they look like they're full of bugs or
germs. Go take them off or I won't be able to eat a bite of that delicious
garbage that Father Chris is supposed to bring me."

	"Steve, I don't want Father Chris to know that I'm here. I...I'll
hide in the bathroom or some place if I'm still here when he gets here."

	"You're hiding from your parents and running from God at the same
time? You must've had SOME reason for taking those pills. I can't wait to
hear about it! No, I won't say a word to Father Chris or anyone else!"

	"Thanks!"

	Andy went into Mark's room to change clothes, leaving Steve alone
with his curiosity ...and a longing feeling! Andy's virginity was totally
safe here, dammit!  That was just one more tragic consequence that comes
with AIDS. Damn, if he weren't sick...what a 'catch' Andy would be! Steve
was truly puzzled. If Andy was gay, as he claimed to be, why on God's earth
couldn't he find a partner? Andy had everything going for him...good looks,
intelligence, an ability to care for others...Who wouldn't want Andy for a
lover?  Steve suddenly found his eyes welling up with tears. His own
loneliness had brought him to this low point, and yet he could still think
of helping someone else?


<><><><><><><><><><>

	Sitting side by side at the church's kitchen table, Thad and Chris
talked in low tones. Thad had been trying to learn what had caused Chris to
lock himself in his little room, refusing admittance to them for so long
when David came rushing toward them with a bottle in his hand.

	"I found this whiskey in one of the cupboards over there, Thad!"
David said.

	"Father, let me pour you a shot!" Thad said to Chris.

	"Thanks, Thad, I don't want a drink. I've got work to do..." Chris
replied.

	"Can't you at least give David and me a clue as to what's wrong
with you? I've never seen you this way. You're always the solid rock I can
depend on."

	"Thad, I really can't talk about it..."

	"Did someone die? Did you get bad news about Andy? Did something
happen to Father 'D'? Come on, buddy, give us a hint..."

	"Chris, is there anything Thad and I can do to help?", David
inquired.

	"I...I might need some help with the evening meal. The boys won't
be by this afternoon..."

	"Father, I know that Andy is missing, but what about the other
two...Jeff and Tommy?" Thad asked.

	"They...neither of them...will be able to help for a while," Chris
replied.

	"...and you expect to do all the cooking and delivering by
yourself?"

	"If it's gonna get done, I will."

	"Then, for God's sake, let me and David help you tonight. We're
both free for the evening and I'm not going to work anyway."

	"That would be great if you would, but I can't really ask you two
to..."

	"Bullshit! I used to cook for my platoon in the marines. I'm an old
hand at peeling, boiling, frying...you name it!"

	"I cook for myself nearly every night at the dorm. I can help too,"
David added.

	"All right, let me get my head together and we'll plan a menu. In
the meantime, one of you could fill those large pots hanging above your
head with water and get them boiling on the stove."

	"Hell, let me at 'em. I'll fill 'em up and carry them while David
does something else."

	"Sure, where do you want me to start?" David asked.

	"Can you make a big tossed salad...big enough for about one hundred
people?"

	"That's easy enough."

	"There's heads of lettuce, tomatoes, and scallions in the fridge
over there. The knives are in the drawer of that counter over by the sink."

	David and Thad hurriedly began preparing the 'five loaves and two
fishes' to feed the evening multitude. They were eyeing one another in
between sneaking glances at Chris, trying to assess his demeanor, but all
the while, each was dying of curiosity at what had upset Chris.

	An hour later, the quick meal was prepared and ready for
delivery. David and Thad were rightfully proud of their culinary
accomplishment and Chris was almost stuttering, trying to express his
gratitude to them for their help. As the three carried the food out to the
big van, then piling into the front seat to start the evening run, Chris
tried again to verbalize his thanks, saying "Thad, David, I don't know how
to thank you..."

	"Will you shut up and drive?" Thad said. "I don't want any of your
clients dying from starvation while we sit and pat one another on the
back."

	"Chris?" David asked. "Are you gonna need help with breakfast in
the morning?"

	"Yes, but I can't..."

	"Hush!" David said. "You CAN and you WILL. I'll be more than happy
to help you."

	Chris started the van and off they went toward the first delivery
on the address list.

	"Are you gonna tell us why Tommy and Jeff aren't helping you?"

	"I...I can't," Chris replied.

	"Father, I'd hate to have to stop this car and pistol-whip you like
I would some drug dealer, but you're gonna force my hand if you don't tell
David and me something!"

	"All right. This is among friends...the three of us, not as priest
and parishioners. Sorry, David, I know I'm not your priest, but...I'm
afraid I've been accused of what so many other priests are being tried
for."

	"MOLESTATION?" Thad shouted. "That's a big load of horseshit! Who
on God's lavender earth would ever accuse you of that?"

	"THAT I can't tell you, but I've been given an instruction from
Father 'D' not to let Tommy or Jeff help me until this matter has been
cleared up."

	"Chris," David spoke up quietly, yet surely, "this has something to
do with Andy's disappearance, doesn't it?"

	"I can't say answer that either."

	"SO IT DOES HAVE TO DO WITH ANDY!" Thad said, loudly. "Did he
accuse you of something and then run away and hide, leaving you to suffer
the consequence?"

	"No, no, nothing like that!"

	"Then I'd like to know where the fuck Andy is?"

	"No one knows. He still hasn't been seen or heard from since he
vanished from the hospital."

	"Father, I know damned well you'd never do anything to any kid, but
how did Father 'D' get the idea that you had?"

	"Thad, those are things I'm not at liberty to discuss."

	"Look, Father, I'm a detective, remember? The more I know, the
easier it's gonna be for me to find him and get to the bottom of this."

	"OK, but you didn't hear this...ANY OF IT...from me! Andy's parents
found his diary in which he had written descriptive passages about him and
me doing all kinds of wild sexual things."

	"Good God! I don't believe this!"

	"Neither do I, but I read them. They were in Andy's own
handwriting. He said things I could never even fantasize about, not even
before I took my vows."

	"Did he ever say anything like this to you personally?"

	"Not before last night when I took him home after the evening run."

	"What did he say?"

	"Only that he might be in love with me."

	"Jesus! What did you say?"

	"Nothing. Well, I told him that it was impossible for anything to
ever happen between us and he should pray about it and try to forget it."

	"Then he went inside his house and overdosed? Is that what
happened?"

	"Apparently."

	"That little bugger!"

	"He told me how he felt and I...I spurned him with my rejection."

	"Father, you didn't ever give him any reason to think there was
something more between the two of you?"

	"NO, never! Whatever he thought or whatever he believed was made up
inside his head. I had no inkling he felt as he did."

	"Father, I'm sure when he shows up...and he WILL show up...we can
straighten all this out. I mean..."

	"Thad, I just wish to God he WOULD show up, and soon. I'm very
worried about him. I mean, he attempted suicide last night...and being all
alone...wherever he is, who knows what he might do next?"

	"Father, since we're talking as 'friends' and not on a professional
basis, do you mind if I ask you something personal..."

	"If it's not TOO personal, Thad."

	"Suppose you weren't a priest, suppose you were an accountant or a
computer technician. Would you find Andy attractive?"

	"Perhaps..."

	"I mean there's only seven or eight years difference in your
ages. You told me once about your life before you became a priest. Hell,
I'm gay and wish the whole world was...of course, the Republicans would
have a fit since there would be no more abortions for them to scream and
holler about. Do you think you could ever have fallen in love with an
eighteen year old if things were under different circumstances?"

	"I...I'm afraid I can't answer that Thad, since I no longer feel as
I used to before I became a priest."

	"But I'm saying if you WEREN'T a priest...then what?"

	"I don't know...maybe."

	"Then maybe Andy got the same idea in his head and received some
kind of false vibe from you..."

	"You mean you think that Andy thought that I was secretly
interested in him?"

	"It makes sense. Don't you think?"

	"I guess so. Yes, probably."

	"Then I'm gonna find him...if it takes me all night and I have to
comb every square foot of Atlanta."

	"I just pray to God that Andy's safe. That's all I care about."

	The car arrived at the next meal stop and the three would-be 'wise
men' got out of the van bearing their gifts of life to the helpless.


<><><><><><><><>


	After Andy had finished giving his blow-by-blow description of his
last meeting with Chris, his suicide attempt, and his escape from the
hospital, Steve sat looking at Andy in shock. "You actually told Father
Chris that you loved him?"

	"Stupid, wasn't it?" Andy replied

	"It must've been. Why else would you have gone inside your house
and took the whole bottle of your mom's sleeping pills?"

	"I was a fucking idiot!"

	"To say the least," Steve concurred. "Well I must say you have good
taste when it comes to picking out a boyfriend...but Father Chris? Andy, it
would have been easier if you had chosen Prince William or Osama bin Laden
than to try to get a priest to return your love in kind."

	"It's okay to fantasize, isn't it?"

	"As long as your fantasy doesn't cross over into reality and affect
the lives of others. Still, I admire your fortitude...Father Chris would
make a mighty fine catch if he ever decided to turn his collar around."

	"Steve, you won't say anything to anyone about what I told you?"

	"Honey, my lips are sealed until I go to meet my maker...or his
maker."

	"Thanks."

	"Andy, I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me what you did. It
means a lot. It sorta makes an old queen feel important just one more
time. From what you've said, you have a lot stored up, but no one to
discuss it with. Are there any things you want to ask me about? When it
comes to gay life, I guess I've 'been there/done that' on nearly every
imaginable topic."

	"I...I KNOW that I'm gay even if I've never had sex. Most guys at
my high school have been getting blow jobs, usually from girls, since they
were twelve years old. At my age, when I've done absolutely nothing, I'm
almost too embarrassed to have sex since I feel I'm the only eighteen year
old who hasn't experienced sex of any kind."

	"Yeah, I was kinda shocked when I heard about twelve-year-old kids
going to rainbow parties. Only a few years ago, most guys or girls never
had sex until their wedding night...if you can believe that. But the kids
in your generation have 'done it all' by the time they're sixteen. There's
nothing to look forward to, except more of the same. My theory is that this
is the reason for such an increase in bisexuality. The guys have fucked
every open orifice in their girlfriends and have become disenchanted or
disappointed with it. That's why they're willing to try sex with another
guy...anything new or novel...something they know very little about. I stay
home all day and watch 'Oprah' and 'Dr. Phil' and laugh out loud when these
housewives come on the talk shows and express their horror at the fact that
their husbands are cheating on them...with other men! It doesn't surprise
me in the least."

	"Steve? My first time? When and IF it happens?"

	"Yes?"

	"Can you give me a few tips?"

	"Dozens! But the ONE that you should burn into your brain
permanently is USE A CONDOM. When the HIV- and AIDS-scare first came on the
scene, EVERYONE started using condoms and performing safe sex. Now kids or
even adults think that the AIDS epidemic has vanished like polio did with
the Salk vaccine. Take a look at me, Steve! Don't you think I want to live
a long life? Do you think I look forward to dying when I should be planning
the rest of my life, not my funeral?"

	"Oh, God, I'm sorry you're sick, Steve."

	"It's my own goddamned fault. I was old enough to have sex and
should have been old enough to pay attention to the warnings about the
repercussions of unsafe sex. Sex is beautiful. Making love is even MORE
beautiful! But being careless just one time is all it took to end my happy
life forever. Steve, promise me that when you have your first partner, you
won't do anything until both of you prove that you know what you're about
to do and that you both know the safe way of doing it. Will you do that for
me?"

	"Yes, Steve. I will. I promise.'

	"Then all the rest I have to tell you is, if you're safe...if it
feels good, no matter what, and if you and your partner agree to do it,
then do it! But if it hurts and either your or your partner doesn't want to
do something, then don't do it. Don't force yourself or him to do anything
you or he doesn't want to do. Try not to just 'have sex'...Make
love...long, drawn out love...enjoy every minute of it...make it
last. That's the best advice I can give you."

	"I know this is insane to even ask, but...about Father Chris?
Should I just forget about that and write it off as a loss cause?"

	"Seriously, I think you should talk to him about it. Who knows, he
might need someone in his life as you do in yours...and his soul is
tormented from wanting the same thing that you do...and THEN, if he still
says 'no', then look elsewhere. Someone out there is looking for you, just
as you are looking for him...and once you've found him...as the song says,
'build your world around him."

	"Do you think I've got enough to offer anyone...enough for him to
fall in love with me?"

	"Steve, if I weren't sick, you'd be at the top of my list!"

	"You...you mean that?"

	"I'm too old, too sick, and too tired to begin lying at my age or
in my condition."

	"Steve...would you hold me?"

	"You're not afraid?"

	"Of what?"

	"Of catching whatever the hell it is that I've got?"

	"No..."

	"Then, come here, little man. I need someone to hold. It's been so
long..."

	Andy rushed into Steve's arms and they held each other tightly. In
one brief moment, Andy forgot all about his emotional pain and what he had
gone through during the past night and day, letting all his anguish out in
his tears. Steve, on the other hand, in a rush of emotional recall of how
wonderful things used to be, cradled Andy tenderly and protectively in his
arms as he eased the young man/s tortured pain.

<><><><><><><><><>

	The evening-meal run had gone faster than usual, which was a bit
amazing since Chris' new helpers, David and Thad, were first-time
assistants. The last stop on the route was at Steve's, since Chris had made
certain adjustments on the route inn order to make certain that tonight,
Steve's would be the end of the line since the three of them wanted to
spend a little extra time with Steve. Some of the earlier meal clients were
not at home for various reasons...some were out, a couple had had to go
unexpectedly to the hospital, so there were several uneaten plates of
food. Chris thought it might be nice if he, David, and Thad took three of
the undistributed meals and ate them with Steve since none of the three had
eaten a bite of dinner and Steve undoubtedly could use a little company.

	As soon as Steve and Andy heard Chris knock on Steve's door, Andy
made a dash to Mark's old room and hid in the closet, as he was still on
the lam, so to speak. When Steve learned that the three 'delivery boys'
were going to join him for dinner, he was delighted and made some kind of
sarcastic quip that the food must be safe and, for a change, edible if
Chris, David, and Thad were going to eat the same poisoned, putrid cuisine
as he. Steve did feel a bit guilty about eating when he only he knew that
Andy was in the next room and was probably more hungry than any of the four
of them.

	"David, you had four calls from Brutus, Cassius, Judas, and
Benedict Arnold, all in the guise of Randy Carpenter," Steve said.

	"Randy tried to reach me here?"

	"He didn't know where else to call."

	"Did he give you any indication what he wanted?"

	"No, because very frankly, I didn't want to talk with him any
longer than necessary...the betraying cunt!"

	"Steve, I had a long talk with Randy and I think you and a lot of
Mark's friends aren't aware of what really happened to cause the two of
them to split up."

	"Oh, I'll bet he told you a whopper!"

	"Wanna know the truth? I believed him, Steve."

	"That's because you don't know him as well as the rest of us do."

	"Did he leave a number for me to call him?"

	"Yes, it's on that piece of toilet paper by the phone. Don't ask me
about what might appear to be brown ink! That's all a message from Randy
deserves...toilet tissue and a mysterious brown ink...my laser printer was
on the fritz!"

	"Could I use your phone to call him?"

	"Sure! By the way, there's many things I'd like to call him as
well."

	David dialed the number of Randy's cell phone and was answered on
the second ring.

	"Hello?"

	"Randy?"

	"Oh, hi, David! I suppose you're at Steve's or just left there,
otherwise you wouldn't have known that I was trying to reach you."

	"What's up?"

	"Well, apparently, Jenny got my number from her caller I.D. when
you phoned her from here and then she, in turn, gave my number to some guy
who's called nearly a dozen times, trying to reach you."

	"Did he leave his name and phone number?"

	"Yes. He was calling from Virginia and his name is Luke Sparks. Do
you know him?"

	"I...I used to. Luke was a friend of Mark's."

	"I guess then that's why he's trying to get in touch with you."

	"I suppose I'd better give him a call to see what's what..."

	"David, have you got a place to sleep tonight? I mean, did you
check into a hotel or are you gonna spend another night with Dirty Harry
Callahan?"

	"I haven't decided."

	"Look, it's pretty late to be checking into a hotel. If you like,
my spare bedroom with the deadbolt on the door is still vacant and it's
much cheaper than any other place you might want to stay at."

	"Can I call you later?"

	"Sure..."

	"On second thought, do you have plans for tomorrow morning?"

	"No, why?"

	"I mean like very EARLY tomorrow morning?"

	"I might still be up jerking off thinking about you...very EARLY
tomorrow. What do you have in mind?"

	"Father Chris is short of help with his food delivery service. How
would you feel about volunteering a bit of your time to help him?"

	"Will you be there?"

	"Sure. Thad and I worked the evening shift and Thad will probably
go back to work tomorrow morning which leaves Chris one helper short, plus
I'll need some transportation to get to the church."

	"How early is 'early'?"

	"Say, three...three-thirty A.M."

	"Jesus Christ! I can write a second set of lyrics to 'What I Did
For Love'!  But, yeah, sure! I'll help. It might help to erase part of the
bad image a lot of guys have about me."

	"In that case, if your spare room is still available for me...with
NO strings or NO expectations attached, it'll be better if I spend the
night at your place and we can drive to meet Chris together in the
morning."

	"Do you want me to come get you now or will Thad or Father Chris
bring you?"

	"Yesterday, you picked me up at Thad's. Why don't you pick me up
there about two hours from now."

	"Mi limusina es su limosine," Randy replied with his best Ricky
Ricardo imitation. "I'll meet you there."

	"Thanks, Randy!"

	Before hanging up, David wrote down Luke's number which he had
gotten from Randy.

	If such a thing as an 'emotion meter' existed, it would have popped
its springs from the various concealed emotions, thoughts, and feelings
going through the minds of Thad, Steve, and Chris as they listened to
David's phone conversation with Randy...all trying to answer the same
question with completely different reactions...'HOW COULD DAVID POSSIBLY
WANT TO SPEND ANOTHER NIGHT WITH RANDY?" Was there something going on
between David and Randy that had been kept from them? Was it the fact that
Randy was rich and handsome? What was David's attraction to Randy over the
other three? All were confused, anxious, somewhat rejected, hurt, angry,
but mostly jealous.

	David was unaware of how the others were reacting as he turned to
ask Steve, "Is it all right if I make another call? It's long distance, but
I'll put it on my credit card."

	"You're...you're gonna call Luke in Virginia?"

	"Yes."

	"Then go ahead, what's one more to add to the competition?"

	"Pardon?"

	"Sorry, just a wry joke..." Steve replied as he, Steve, and Thad
began to eat their dinner...but keeping one ear focused on the call David
was about to make.

	David dialed and waited three rings before Luke answered.

	"Hello?"

	"Hello, is this Luke?"

	"David?"

	"Yes...?"

	"Thanks for returning my call."

	"That's quite all right. I...I suppose I would have called you
eventually, but I had no idea where you were. I...I haven't heard from you
in a couple of years...not since..."

	"Since the night your dad caught Mark and me in bed together?"

	"Well...yes. How are you? I mean what are you doing? Are you going
to school? Are you living at home? Are you working? Are you in good
health?"

	"Damn, man!" Luke laughed. "You expect me to answer all those
questions at once or one at a time?"

	"I'm sorry. It's just that there's so much I'd like to know."

	"I suppose there is."

	"Jenny told me that she broke the news to you about Mark..."

	"Yes, she did, David, and I've cried a bucket of tears and my mind
has been racing like a NASCAR 500 ever since."

	"Jenny DID tell you not to say anything about Mark, didn't she? I
still haven't told my mom and dad."

	"Don't worry. I haven't spoken to your dad since that infamous
night and I doubt seriously if I'll ever speak to him again...or at least I
know he'll never want to speak to me again."

	"I wish all that hadn't happened. I didn't learn about it until
week's later when I came home from school only to learn that Mark had left
home. Later I found out he had moved to Atlanta."

	"I didn't know where he was either. We never saw one another again
after that night...we never wrote or talked over the phone. It was as if we
had vanished from one another's lives forever."

	"I'm sorry, Luke."

	"The reason I called...Is there going to be a funeral for Mark,
either here or in Atlanta?"

	"No funeral here or there. There's to be a small memorial service
for Mark for a bunch of his friends down here."

	"Do you think it would be all right if I came to Atlanta to attend
the service?"

	"I suppose so."

	"I would love seeing you again and there's so much I'd like to talk
about with you, concerning Mark."

	"Y'know, I think I would like that, Luke. I'm learning things daily
about my own brother that I never knew before. I'll bet there's many things
that you know that could help put many pieces of the puzzle together."

	"When is the service?"

	"In a couple of days...final plans aren't made yet."

	"Would it be all right if I flew down to Atlanta tomorrow? Is there
some place I could meet you? I mean, if you're staying at a hotel. perhaps
I can stay at the same one and we could have dinner and spend some time
together. There's something very important I have to tell you about Mark,
but I'd rather see you face-to-face when I say it."

	"The phone number where you tried to reach me today belongs to a
friend of Mark's..."

	"You mean, Randy?"

	"Yes."

	"We're almost old friends by now, I called him so many times
earlier today."

	"Good. Call Randy's as soon as your plane gets in and we'll make
plans then...about where to stay and so forth."

	"I'll come down on the earliest flight I can get to
Atlanta. Hopefully, I'll call you around noon."

	"Fine, Luke! We'll talk then."

	"I...I can't wait to see you again."

	"Same here...Good night, Luke."

	"Good night, David."

	David hung up the phone and turned to look at the other three in
the room. Steve, Thad, and Chris looked like frozen statues. Each had his
fork halfway between his plate and his mouth...static...none of them were
moving.

	"Is anything wrong?" David asked.

	"No, no," the three said, simultaneously.

	Finally it was Steve who was brazen enough to ask, "Would it be
rude if I ask just who Luke is...?"

	"Not at all," David replied. "Luke was apparently Mark's first
boyfriend."

	"And he's coming to Atlanta tomorrow?"

	"First flight in from Virginia..."

	"Oh, my!" Steve said. "The plot thickens..."

	Thad and Chris kept eating, remaining silent, while their minds
raced even faster.

<><><><><><><><>

	Chris took Thad and David back to Thad's car which had been left in
the parking lot at the church. Chris thanked them profusely for their help
and for their words of comfort and encouragement concerning the dilemma
which Andy has caused between Chris and Father 'D.' and Andy's
parents. David told Chris that he and Randy would meet him at the church
around 3:30AM to assist with the breakfast run.

	One thing Chris had kept from Thad and David was something Steve
had whispered into Chris' ear as Steve walked them to the van. Steve asked
Chris if he could return to his apartment as soon as he dropped Thad and
David at the church. Chris was puzzled at the secrecy, but felt that it
must be important for Steve to make such a private request. Once Thad and
David left to return to Thad's and then onward to Randy's, Chris got back
into the van and headed back to Steve's.

	Steve had returned to his apartment after the 'meal deliverers' had
left, telling Andy that the coast was clear and it was safe to come out of
Mark's old bedroom.

	"You didn't say anything to anyone about me?" Andy asked Steve.

	"I won't lie," Steve replied, "but, yes, I did. I asked Father
Chris to come back here by himself."

	"But why, Steve? You know I don't want to see him. I...I CAN'T SEE
HIM!"

	"Yes, you can, Andy. You must. It's not fair to keep your parents
guessing about where you are. Chris is your best friend, your priest, your
confidant, and the one you said you were in love with. There's no one
better than him for you to talk with and try to get things back to some
level of normalcy."

	"Did you tell him I was hiding in Mark's room?"

	"No, but I want you sitting here in the living room with me when he
returns. If you like, I'll stay and you won't have to face him alone. I
trust there's nothing more than what you told me earlier?"

	"There's not...really."

	"Then, it'll be old news to me and I won't be shocked by anything
you say to Father Chris. I...I have an extra meal if you're hungry."

	"I'm famished!"

	"Then if you're not afraid of eating whatever it is that you serve
nightly, there's a plateful of something under that cover on the coffee
table. I'll get you a Coke from the fridge."

	"Thanks, Steve."

	"Sure...oh, do you want me to pray for you before you begin
eating...in case you don't live through the entire meal?"

	Andy laughed, and then realized that it was the first laugh that
had passed his lips since before his talk toe Father Chris the day
before. "No, I know what's in the food. I make it twice a day."

	"So if everyone on your food route dies from the same meal, that
makes you a serial killer!"

	"Then if 'I' eat it, that'll be suicide! Jeez! Twice in one day!"

	"Shut up and eat. Really, it might taste better if I poured it into
a trough rather than a paper plate...SOOOOWEEEE!" Steve squealed as he went
into the kitchen to get the Coke for Andy, who laughed once more at Steve's
sarcastic remarks about the food.

	Andy WAS hungry and he dived into the food. To him, it was manna
and ambrosia rolled into one. He finished his plate and was wiping the dish
with a piece of bread as Chris knocked on the door.

	"Stay there, Andy." Steve ordered. "I'll get it and you be
nice. Don't show any anger or embarrassment, no matter what. You're
eighteen years old...old enough to vote and old enough to act like a man!"
Steve said to Andy before turning and opening the door.

	Chris entered, but came to a sudden halt when he saw Andy sitting
on Steve's couch.  Andy was looking down toward the floor until he forced
himself to look Chris in the eye.

	"Andy!" Chris exclaimed. "I...I don't want to know where you've
been. I just thank God that you're all right! You are, aren't you?"

	"Yes," Andy replied in noncommittal tone.

	"Have you talked to your parents? I can only assume that they don't
know that you're here with Steve..."

	"No...and at the moment, I have no desire to talk to either of
them."

	"All right, if those are your wishes." Chris said. He paused and
added, "Will you talk with me...?"

	"I...I think I've said more to you than I ever should've."

	"Could we talk, please?...just you and me...?"

	"It's OK, Father," Steve interjected. "Andy's told me everything
and I promised him I'd stay if he would talk with you."

	"This might be rather awkward or embarrassing for both of us."

	"Hell, I've got one foot in the grave already," Steve
said. "Anything else that I hear, I'll take it with me when I slide the
other foot down."

	After a pause, Chris took a seat beside Andy." Andy, can I ask if
what you said to me in the car last night is what prompted you to do what
you did? Or was it my reaction to what you said?" Chris asked, earnestly.

	"...A little of both, I guess," Andy replied.

	"Andy, I'm so sorry. I had no idea that my...my rejection, I guess,
would have such a devastating impact on you. I should have approached the
situation differently."

	"How? By saying that you loved me as much as I love you?"

	"I might not have used those exact words, but I could have been
more gentle in my reply."

	"You didn't get it, did you, Father? It was the hardest thing I
ever tried to do...to confess to someone that I was gay and in love with my
own priest."

	"I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but...it's quite natural
for men AND women to build up an emotional feeling toward their priest or
minister. Many people fall in love with their doctors. Students fall in
love with their teachers. I won't lie. You're not the first who has said
similar things to me."

	"Did they try to commit suicide after you rejected them?"

	"Well, no, I don't think any of them did."

	"Then maybe they didn't love you as much as I do."

	Chris was almost at a loss for words with Steve being present and
he finally stood and said, "Steve, there are things I really need to speak
to Andy about...things of a priest/parishioner nature. Could I talk to Andy
in private for a few moments?"

	"It's up to Andy. If he wants to talk with you privately, then I'll
go to my bedroom until he wants me to return..." Steve said.

	"It...It's okay, Steve," Andy said. "I WOULD like to talk with
Father Chris alone, if you don't mind."

	"I'll be in the next room if either of you needs me."

	"Thanks, Steve."

	Steve gave both of his guests a suspicious look before going into
his bedroom. Then Chris sat down again, rejoining Andy on the couch where
the two sat silently for nearly two minutes.

	"I...I guess you hate me now," Andy finally said.

	"No, Andy, there's only one thing you could do, only one thing,
that would ever make me hate you. That is if you ever succeeded with what
you tried to do last night...leaving your parents and me for good in that
way."

	"Would it matter that much to you?"

	"Of course it would. It would hurt me just as it would hurt you if
Jeff and Tommy tried to leave us as you tried."

	"You...you feel nothing toward me, nothing more than you do Jeff
and Tommy?"

	Chris paused before replying, "Perhaps, I do."

	"Now that I botched my suicide, I suppose you look at me like I'm
some kind of sick kid."

	"I don't, Andy. First of all, you're not a kid...and second, you
aren't sick. You were just lashing out against the world, but mostly
yourself after being hurt...the way I hurt you."

	"I...I'm not stupid. I get better grades than Jeff and Tommy...but
they are wise in other areas...things I know NOTHING about. They know how
to love and what it feels like to be loved."

	"And...you never have?"

	"Never! Not once! No girlfriend! No boyfriend! I've never gone out
on a date. I've never kissed anyone besides my parents when I was much
younger. I...I've lied in my confessions to you. I've never told you about
how many times a day I masturbate. I'm almost an addict."

	"Since we're revealing secrets outside of the confessional. I...I
suppose I had a similar sex drive when I was your age."

	"How long ago was that?"

	"Not long...maybe eight years or so..."

	"Then I just don't understand how you could just quit!...Go cold
turkey like when a person gives up cigarettes! How could you just STOP and
take your priest's vows and just forget about sex?"

	"Oh, you just can't forget about it instantly. It takes willpower
and a lot of prayer."

	"But don't you still get erections? How do you control them? Do
priests masturbate?"

	"The Church teaches us not to and as long as I am faithful, I
don't."

	"What about blue balls? You must get those a lot?"

	"In seminary before we took our vows, we used to hide erection
inhibitors in our food...Soldiers, as those in Iraq and other places, are
often given the same kind of thing in their food to keep their sexual
desires at bay."

	"What about now? Do you still have to take pills or something or
don't you get erections any more?"

	"Andy, you sure get to the point quickly. You know that the blessed
sacrament is encased in an area we designate as the holy of holies? You
have just entered my personal sanctum of 'private of privates'"

	"Well, do you or don't you?"

	"What difference would it make whether I told you or not?"

	"Well, last night it meant enough to make me want to kill
myself. Father, don't you see? I just want to know everything about you."

	"I was hoping that perhaps you wouldn't blame me for your action,
but if I was in any way the cause, then I'll accept full responsibility to
see that you don't try it again."

	"Okay, so it wasn't your fault. There's no reason to make you feel
guilty for the stupid ideas I've filled my head with."

	"Andy, Steve said a moment ago that you told him everything about
last night and today. Does anyone else know about the way you feel about
me?"

	"Gosh, no. I might be stupid but I'm not crazy."

	"You didn't write anything down about your feelings...say, maybe in
a diary?"

	Andy's face turned white with shock when he heard the word,
'diary'. Chris had tried to find a way to bring up the subject of Andy's
diary which was the incriminating evidence brought against him by Father
'D' and by Andy's parents. He had tried to find a way to finagle the topic
into their discussion and failed, so he just mentioned it outright.

	"You know about my diary?"

	"Actually, yes, Andy."

	"How?"

	"I'm afraid that when your parents were looking for clues as to
your whereabouts, they went into your room and they found your diary and
read it."

	"Oh, God, NO!"

	"I'm sorry, but they did..."

	"And they brought the diary to you?"

	"Not exactly. It came to me in a roundabout way..."

	"How 'roundabout'?"

	"Unfortunately for both of us, they took the diary to Father
'D'..."

	"Oh, now I wish I HAD killed myself."

	"No, you don't!"

	"And then Father 'D' let you see it?"

	"He and your parents wanted to know if what you had written about
the two of us was true."

	"Oh, JESUS! NO! I...I made the whole thing up. You know that, don't
you?"

	"Of course I do...since I'm the one person besides yourself that
knows nothing sexual ever happened between us."

	"They HAVE to know that what I wrote was NOT what happened but, in
my mind, what I WANTED to happen."

	"Are you saying that you really wanted me in the way you described
in the intimate passages?"

	"I'm sorry, Father. I can't help the way I feel. Sure, I'd've
risked going to hell just to be with you for one night and have you the way
I've imagined."

	"Sex is not something to risk eternity for. Sex shouldn't involve
any kind of risk."

	"Unless you're in love with a priest or if you're a priest who
wants to be in love."

	"Andy, I'm nearly ten years older than you. Why in heaven's name
wouldn't you want someone closer to your own age?"

	"When I'm with you, you're the only one who makes me feel that I'm
a real person... that I matter. I even prayed to St. Jude, the saint of
impossible things, asking him to make you love me."

	"Wow, you're asking saints to urge me to have an affair with you?
That must have frustrated the old boy, Andy. You did ask the impossible of
him."

	"I guess you look at me like a little kid wanting something for
Christmas, something he can never have."

	"Do you realize what would happen if you and I DID have an affair?
If the Church found out...and it would...I'd be asked to resign or be
reassigned as others who have been guilty of molestation."

	"But I'm of legal age. It wouldn't be molestation if I gave my
consent."

	"Andy, even if the Church didn't find out. I'd know and God would
know. I'd have to answer to Him."

	"But what if God could see you, see how lonely you are? He would
know how much we need each other..."

	"You need me, but do I need you in my life...knowing what I would
have to give up?"

	"If you loved me the way I love you..."

	"Then I wouldn't mind giving up my vocation?"

	"Yes."  Chris' silence seemed to be the answer Andy had dreaded
hearing.

	"Father, would it be best if I just ran away and got out of your
life for good?"

	"No, Andy, I don't want you to run away."

	"You...you'd miss me?"

	"Of course I would. I'd miss Jeff and Tommy if they ran away."

	"Then, what you're actually saying is that I mean no more to you
than Jeff or Tommy does?"

	"No, I didn't mean to imply that...but there's still the matter of
your diary. If you ran away without telling your mom and dad the truth,
then I'd probably lose my priesthood anyway. The diary has stacked evidence
against me if you don't clear up what's real and what you imagined."

	"I...I'll go see Father 'D', first thing in the morning and then
I'll tell my parents I made the whole thing up...on one condition..."

	"Which is...?"

	"Would you take me into your arms just once and let me know how if
feels. It doesn't have to last more than a few seconds, but at least I'll
have a memory of what it would be like..."

	"Is this a form of blackmail?"

	"I guess you could call it that..."

	"Just one embrace and nothing more?"

	"Nothing more."

	"What if Steve should walk in and catch us? How would he ever
believe otherwise?"

	"We can go into Mark's room and close the door. Steve won't see
anything and he'll never know..."

	"Two nights ago, I held Thad in my arms when Alex died. I suppose
it would be all right to hold you the same way if it will give you a bit of
comfort. But remember, it's a friendly embrace and nothing else!"

	"In your mind it'll be a friendly embrace, but let me make of it
what I want it to be in my mind. I won't tell you. It'll be my secret."

	"Very well."

	Andy stood up and put out his hand for Chris to take. Chris
accepted Andy's hand and Andy led him into Mark's bedroom and shut the door
behind them.

	"Can we keep the lights off?" Andy asked.

	"If that's what you want..."

	"It is."

	The room had no windows and without the lights, it was pitch black,
void of any light whatsoever. Andy was still holding Chris hand and the two
were facing one another. The only sound to be heard was their breath. Andy
took Chris hand and delicately placed it around his back, drawing Andy's
body closer to Chris'. It was an automatic response for Chris to put his
other hand behind Andy's back. Andy kept his hands by his side as he slowly
moved toward Chris, letting Chris control the embrace. Then Andy took one
more step forward and nuzzled his head on Chris left shoulder with his face
touching Chris' neck. Chris could feel Andy's hot breath near his left ear
lobe.

	Suddenly in the blackness, all inhibitions were dropped and Chris
pulled Andy into him tightly as Andy sighed and felt as if his body was
meshing into Chris. Ever so slowly, Chris moved his face toward Andy's and
Andy was aware of Chris' hot breath...then with a fragile motion, Chris
placed his lips onto Andy's and a dam of gentle emotion broke soothingly
between the two of them. It was like a slow pas de deux performed to an
intrinsic Debussy opus playing quietly somewhere in the background.

	It was Andy's first kiss and Chris' first since he became a priest,
but there was nothing awkward or rushed about it...not even a slight touch
of the tip of a tongue...just lips lightly touching and it seemed more than
enough for each of the participants.

	Finally, Chris broke the enchanted spell by asking, "Is that what
you wanted?"

	"Yes..." Andy replied.

	"Was it enough to last you a lifetime without me?"

	"I want to say 'no' but I'll say 'yes'," Andy whispered.

	"Then I guess it's up to me to say otherwise," Chris said, puzzling
Andy. "It wasn't enough for me..."

	"What do you mean?"

	"Only this..." Chris said quickly as he once again put his lips on
Andy's, only this time, the kiss wasn't gentle. It was hard passion as
Chris pressed harder and pried his tongue in between Andy's lips and began
to explore uncharted territory where no other tongue had ever been, Andy
was more than surprised at first, but soon he was fighting back with his
own tongue with a vengeance. With the force of their emotions opened fully,
four hands began traveling up and down each other's bodies, groping
whenever possible. Nothing Andy had written in his diary could match what
he was experiencing in his life for the first time.

	Chris, on the other hand, was forced to admit to himself what he
had missed since taking his vow of celibacy. Before that time, Chris had
loved sex and intimate contact with a male partner. Priesthood be damned!
This was what he longed for and this was who he was. Chris wasn't sure if
it was Andy that had caused his suppressed desires to erupt or if it had
been the way he had been eyeing David for three days. At the moment, it
didn't matter to Chris. The physical urges he had denounced in himself had
sprung forth and he realized that Andy was a more than willing partner.

	A few minutes later found both of them completely undressed and
lying on Mark's bed locked in various embraces and kisses. For the next
half hour, Chris taught as much about male sex to Andy as he could...more
than Andy could imagine. The rage continued until Andy was no longer a
virgin orally or anally...as a top or a bottom.

	After many orgasms, they stopped out of sheer exhaustion to rest
and catch their breath. Andy was tired, sore, and filled with wondrous
exhilaration. Chris felt more like a normal human male than he had in
years. He felt no guilt or remorse. He had denied himself what he enjoyed
most...the act of physical love-making and if it meant leaving the Church
or changing careers, then so be it! Neither of them had said a word during
the love session.

	It was Andy who broke the silence.

	"Father...?"

	"Don't call me that. Call me Chris like you said I asked you to do
in your diary."

	"Chris...?"

	"Yes."

	"What does this mean...?"

	"What does 'what' mean?"

	"Does this mean that you do love me?"

	"I...I don't know...but...maybe...Will you give me a little time to
assess my feelings?"

<><><><><><><><>


(To be continued in Chapter Eleven of "As I Remember Him").