Date: Sat, 17 Mar 2012 13:54:35 -0400
From: Morris Henderson <bigmoh@post.com>
Subject: Caution_and_Courage_Part_1_(of_8)

CAUTION AND COURAGE

INTRODUCTION

It was a most unlikely friendship.  The trajectory of their early
lives ought not to have brought them together, much less
spark a friendship.  A brief sketch of their backgrounds will
explain why.

Willard Thomas Benson grew up in the Hamptons, home to
many moguls, tycoons, and celebrities. His father was a
partner in a major Wall Street law firm; his mother was a
prominent socialite.  He and his older sister therefore enjoyed
all the privileges, comforts, and security of wealth.  As a
youngster, he was educated in a prestigious boarding school.
Later, he attended a prep school to earn a high school
diploma.  Along the way, he mingled with the progeny of rich
and powerful parents.  Many of his classmates, he concluded,
were arrogant snobs and therefore quite unlikeable.  He
vowed not to be like them ... or, for that matter, like his parents
for whom appearances were the highest priority.

Will attended Columbia University and was enrolled in the
NROTC program.  He aspired to replicate the naval
experience of his father and grandfather.  However, his
dreams were dashed early in his sophomore year.  He was
caught stealing and selling final exams.  That ended his
college studies and his hopes of earning a commission
through the NROTC program.  He promptly enlisted.  If he
couldn't be an officer he could at least be in the Navy.   Only
then did he tell his parents of his misdeeds at college and his
decision to become a sailor.  He was subjected to a ruthless
and prolonged tirade.  He was castigated for dishonesty,
thoughtlessly choosing to cavort with "ordinary" enlisted men,
and, predictably, bringing shame to the family name.  He was
effectively disowned, which didn't matter since he'd planned to
distance himself from his family's obsession over social status
and ostentatious display of wealth.

Billy Ray Simpson was raised in rural Mississipi, the eldest of
six children and knew nothing but hunger and hard work on his
family's small, hardscrabble farm.  Like his parents, Billy never
graduated from high school.  He liked school; it was a
welcome break from farm work.  More than that, he liked
learning new things.  His love of school was taken from him in
the middle of his junior year when his father packed up the
family and a few possessions to move to Detroit where he
hoped to find work in a factory.  A weekly paycheck would be
far better than the meager and unpredictable income from
farming.  Billy wasn't enrolled in school in the big city because,
as the eldest child but only sixteen, he had to get a job to help
support the family.

For years Billy was fascinated with the notion of sailing the
seas.  His longing to see the world intensified while living in
the Detroit slums.  As soon as he turned eighteen he enlisted
in the Navy.  His parents were surprised and disappointed but
(although they'd never acknowledge it) they understood his
motivation.


PART ONE

Except for their ambition to join the Navy, one would not
conclude that the two young men had anything in common.

Will escaped from the stifling rigidity of expectations imposed
on him by his family and from the snobbery that he found
increasingly intolerable.  Billy was escaping from a life of
poverty.  Their decisions put them on paths that would result in
their meeting each other.  But something else was the catalyst
for their becoming friends.  Both Will and Billy had ulterior
motives that made the Navy appealing: months of mingling
with other young, virile men.  But, of course, they could never
reveal that interest.  Nor could they ever dare to do more than
admire the masculinity that would constantly surround them.
The chances of finding a like-minded partner with whom to
enjoy pleasures of the flesh were too small to even consider.
The Navy at the time was a decidedly homophobic
organization.  The consequences for homosexual behavior
were — by explicit policy — severe!

Both Will and Billy were assigned to the same unit in basic
training.  Both found that most of the young men in their unit
triggered various degrees of lust and provided fodder for
sexual fantasies.  Each, however, found one among the class
of recruits to be particularly desirable because of trim, solid,
but not overly muscled bodies and well-developed genitals
that made an immediately favorable first impression.

Will was captivated by Billy's apparent innocence, his total
lack of pretense, and his charming Southern drawl.  It was,
perhaps, his innocence that intrigued him most because it
suggested that the Southern Gentleman was a virgin, ready to
be guided in the pleasures of the flesh.  Will had been
introduced to those pleasures in the dormitory of boarding
school and his appetite for sexual gratification had been amply
satisfied while in prep school.  But he'd not had a bed partner
for a long time.  Billy, he hoped, might be his next conquest.  If
only the naive Southern boy were gay!

Billy's interest was Will's quiet self-assurance.  Although Billy
was a virgin, through secretive exploration of gay porn
magazines, he was familiar with the behavior of gay men ...
and longed to experience the forbidden satisfaction of intimate
contact with a man.  Will was just such a man — confident but
not cocky, dignified but not aloof, masculine but not macho.
He would most likely be a fitting guide into the mysterious
world of gay sexual delight.  But Billy recognized that his
infatuation could never lead to more than wishful fantasy; Will
was most probably straight.

<><><><><>

During the first week of basic training, the upper class preppy
and the uprooted farm boy checked out all their fellow recruits
but always discretely.  Every man does that but only a few for
the reasons that haunted both Will and Billy.  Each found that
he was primarily aroused in the communal shower by one
naked body in particular: Will by Billy's substantial tube of
manly flesh between his legs and Billy by Will's firm, perfectly
sculpted body that was adorned with just enough black hair on
the chest and legs to confirm virile masculinity.  Each had to
fight valiantly to control his thoughts lest he sprout a boner that
would no doubt cause taunting and persecution from all his
comrades.  After climbing into their bunks at night, they both
allowed their minds to wander.  They imagined the pleasures
of sharing their naked bodies.  Each, however, wished the
other were gay so he might do more than wish and fantasize.

 "I admired your stamina during calisthenics today," Will said
cheerfully as he and his prey stood at adjacent shower heads
after a grueling day of training.

"Shucks," Billy replied.  "Nothin' compared to chores on the
farm.  Reckon it kinda put me in shape."

"Indeed they did," Will said.  "You've got a wonderful
physique," he added as he seized the excuse to let his eyes
roam up and down the naked body next to him.

Billy was slightly uncomfortable being visually examined — a
consequence of his fundamentalist family's strict warnings
about showing his private parts in public — but he couldn't
help feeling proud of his well-toned body and appreciated the
admiration from a fellow recruit.  To return the compliment he
replied, "Yur in purdy good shape yurself."  Abandoning
inhibition, Billy's eyes scanned Will's body with particular
interest in a cock that dangled enticingly below a thicket of
black pubic hair.

Will was considerably more attuned to the possible interests of
other guys, having honed his perceptiveness by seducing
several boys in boarding school and college.  He was
therefore encouraged when he noticed Billy's gaze linger too
long where it shouldn't.  He suspected that was evidence of an
interest that couldn't be disclosed openly and decided to test
his assumption.  He stood facing Billy and brazenly lathered
up his cock and balls.  As he hoped, Billy's eyes repeatedly
stole fleeting glances at what Will was deliberately exposing to
view.

"So you lived on a farm?" Will asked mostly to continue the
conversation in the hopes that he could win the confidence of
his quarry.

"Yup.  Down south in Miss'ippy.  But we moved to Detroit a
couple o' years ago."

Will continued his questioning.  "You miss the farm?"

"Nope!  Nothin' but hard work dawn to dusk.  Course it ain't no
better in Detroit, neither.  Too crowded.  I `spose if I had my
druthers I'd choose the farm."

Will continued his pursuit, asking about farm life — not to learn
about farming in which he had little interest but to begin
forging a connection with a likely bed partner.  "I've never even
visited a farm.  Tell me what it's like."

"Lotsa work.  Plowin'.  Harvestin'.  Takin' care of the hogs.
"S'pose it's different on a bigger farm but we was poor.  Not
much to eat.  `Specially when the crops are bad.  But I ain't
complainin' `cause my Momma and Daddy took good care of
us kids.  Six of us.  Had to sleep with my two li'l brothers.
Mighty crowded it was.  But that's okay.  Only problem was
when one got sick we all of us got sick.  No money for a doctor
so Momma fixed us up with herbs and whatchacall home
remedies.  Considerin' ever'thin' though, growin' up weren't as
bad as I make it out to be."

Will had heard and read of poverty in rural Mississippi but he'd
never met a survivor of that kind of hardship.  All of his former
friends and school mates were pampered with the best food
and the best clothes.  He resented their sense of entitlement,
their arrogance, and their deliberate ignorance of the
challenges faced by what they disparagingly called the lower
classes.  He was therefore impressed with Billy's stoic, even
positive attitude.

They had finished showering (and stealing lustful glances at
each other's naked bodies) when Will said, "You're
remarkable, Billy.  I look forward to hearing more ... and
getting to know you better."

Over the next two weeks Will and Billy chatted amiably with
each other when not occupied by rigorous training and through
those conversations developed an easy rapport.  Billy was
delighted to have a friend.  Will, however, had a devious
motive and would, with careful phrasing and meticulous timing,
seek information that might be evidence of sexual orientation.
He would ask, for example, "Do you have a girlfriend back
home?"

"Nah.  Didn't have no time for girls on the farm.  And the girls
in Detroit were either ugly or sluts."

"That's too bad," Will remarked sympathetically.  "I hope you
find one you like.  To take care of your needs, if you know
what I mean."

Billy didn't reply but a momentary look of pain crossed his face
that Will interpreted to mean — possibly — that his buddy
wanted a man and not a woman to satisfy him.

Will always seemed to maneuver himself in the shower to be
at a shower head adjacent to Billy, who took it as little more
than a continuation of a budding friendship.   Billy became less
concerned about modesty since he presumed nakedness in
the shower was just a necessary consequence of life in the
barracks.  Will welcomed the chance to admire Billy's ample
endowment.

Increasingly, Will casually but not boldly displayed his body to
his quarry and was encouraged by his friend's roaming eyes
that often focused on and remained longer than usual on his
dangling manhood.  But Billy in his innocence failed to notice
the lustful glances that were directed at his own impressive
equipment.

Both Billy and Will, as they lay in their bunks at night, let their
secret desires assume control of their minds, imagining the joy
of sexual coupling with the other.  Billy regarded his fantasies
as nothing more than an impossible wish.  Will, on the other
hand, allowed himself to believe that with enough time and
effort he could seduce Billy and relieve the torment of
repressed desire and experience what he fervently wanted.

Billy, never having experienced the ecstasy of gay sex,
suffered from the same frustration but not as intensely.  He
was oblivious to the subtle clues in Will's behavior and
comments and couldn't recognize the motivation behind them.
He often wondered why a well-educated guy seemed to seek
and enjoy his company, especially considering the vast gulf
between their backgrounds.  But he was grateful to have made
a friend.  Other recruits may have wondered about the unlikely
friendship but not for long because in spite of Will being the
son of an "East Coast Elite," he was personable and never
expected deferential treatment nor did he look down his nose
at any of his fellow recruits.

Nearing the end of basic training, Will was almost convinced
that Billy was either gay or was willing to participate in manly
sex.  The evidence was fragmentary but plentiful.  Billy's
wandering eyes in the shower were less and less bound by
unspoken but commonly known prohibitions against ogling
others' genitals.   He was even obvious in the way he sought
and found opportunities to study others' equipment.  It was no
longer necessary for Will to blatantly expose himself.  Billy,
although he tried to be discrete, failed to completely hide his
fascination with male genitals.  And there were his poorly
disguised attempts to stifle his subconscious discomfort when
Will made a suggestive comment or asked a question with a
sexual undertone.  Will, a predator following the unmistakable
scent of prey and with years of practice in the hunt, knew two
things for certain.  First, he would have to proceed carefully in
his stalking to avoid alarming his prey; timing and patience
were critical.  Second, he had to be sure — when Billy was
ready — that they would not be caught.  Punishment for
homosexual behavior at the time (well before "don't ask, don't
tell) was swift, unequivocal, and severe.  He could not risk that
for himself or for Billy whom he had grown to genuinely
respect.

<><><><><>

"Benson?" the Captain asked when Will appeared at the
doorway of the Base Commander's office.

"Yes, sir.  You wanted to see me sir?"

"I do.  Come in and sit down.  We need to talk."

Following dinner in the mess hall one evening Will was
ordered to report to the Base Commander's office "on the
double."  His apprehension peaked as he made his way
across the drill field toward the headquarters building.  The
Captain's `We need to talk' comment only pushed it to panic
level.  Questions without answers raced through his mind, all
revolving around an overpowering fear that his friendship with
Billy had been noticed and interpreted to be a forbidden
attraction.  His fears were not diminished when the Captain
opened a folder and studied its contents for several minutes.

"I see you were in the NROTC at Columbia.  Is that right?" the
Captain asked without looking up.

"Yes, sir," Will replied nervously.

"And your performance reports during training are
commendable."

Will did not respond.  A recruit, he had learned, speaks to a
superior only when given an order (and there is only one
acceptable response: "Yes, sir") or asked a direct question.

The Captain closed the folder, leaned back in his chair, and
said, "Benson, you have what the Navy needs.  I'm
recommending you for OCS, Officer Candidate School.  Very
few of the recruits have your potential.  Fewer still are selected
for the honor.  Congratulations.  When you complete basic
training, you'll have a two week leave and then report to OCS
in Newport, Rhode Island."

Will was astonished.  He had feared discharge and disgrace.
Now he sat in disbelief at the turn of events.  A torrent of
thoughts sped through his mind: NROTC had been a path
toward a goal of being an officer in the Navy but it had been
shattered by expulsion from school.  This was an opportunity
to reclaim his dream.  Another thought intruded into his
thinking: Billy.  For the first time, Will consciously recognized
what had been a latent feeling.  His buddy was not merely a
desirable body to be conquered for primal gratification of
sexual needs.  He admired Billy for his positive attitude and
ambition.  He respected his honesty and openness.
Admiration?  Respect?  NO!  It was AFFECTION!  OCS would
mean not being with Billy!  The thought was as distressing as
the selection for OCS was enticing.

The Captain interrupted Will's chaotic thinking by asking,
"Nothing to say, Benson?"

"Sorry, sir," Will replied.  "It's just that I'm surprised.  I never
expected it.  I appreciate your confidence in me.  And the
offer.  Or is it an order?"  (Will knew that, if ordered, he must
comply.)

"No, son," the Captain said with a grin.  "It's not an order ..
YET."

"Permission to speak candidly, sir?" Will asked.

"Permission granted."

"I know it's a wonderful opportunity.  And an honor.  But I'm a
bit overwhelmed and I'd like some time to think it over."

The Captain frowned, unable to understand why there would
be any hesitation or reason to refuse.  Quite assertively, he
said, "You have twenty four hours.  Report back to me at this
time tomorrow.  And if it's no, be prepared to justify your
answer.  That'll be all.  Dismissed."

A very confused and conflicted Will returned to the barracks
where he saw Billy in a way he hadn't seen him before.
`DAMN,' he thought.  `I've got to choose between two things I
want more than anything: OCS or Billy.  Two things happened
at the same time.  Neither of them did I see coming.  OCS
would mean a prestigious Navy career.  Billy would surely be a
perfect companion.  Shit, damn, and fuck!  Which do I
choose?  What do I tell the Captain?  What do I tell Billy?

<><><><><>

"Where ya been, Will?" Billy asked with his typical enthusiasm.

"Just went for a walk," Will replied, having decided on his way
back to the barracks that he would say nothing to Billy about the
OCS nomination.  At least not until he had sorted out in his own
mind what to tell the Captain.  If he chose to accept the offer he
would tell Billy about it.  If, however, he chose to decline the
nomination, hoping to stay near Billy, he would have to invent a
lie to tell the Captain, a plausible reason for refusing the honor.
Additionally, he would have to lie to Billy.  How could he say, "I
love you, Billy, and can't bear to leave you" when he wasn't
certain that his friend was gay.  Turning down the OCS
opportunity was a huge risk because it was not certain that their
orders after basic training would put them on the same ship.

Later that evening Billy asked, "What's eatin' on ya, Will?  Ya
been mopin' `round like ya just lost yur fav'rite hound dog."

"Sorry," Will replied, trying to quell the torment in his mind.  "I
guess I'm just worn out from all the hikes and calisthenics.  And
I'm worried about remembering all the technical stuff we have to
memorize in class."

Billy doubted that was the real reason because both the
calisthenics and the classroom work were easy for his fit and
well-educated pal.  But he chose not to pry into the true cause
of his friend's funk.  Instead, he said, "Yur gonna do jus' fine,
Will.  Doncha let it git to ya."

In the shower before lights-out both young men were quieter
than usual.  Their customary banter was replaced with a solitary
concern to finish washing and hit the sack.  Will was still
preoccupied by the dilemma he faced.  Billy wisely left his friend
alone although he was still concerned about what was troubling
his best buddy.

Will spent a fitful night, struggling unsuccessfully to resolve his
conflicting options and reflecting on his feelings toward Billy that
had burst into his consciousness just hours before.  Was Billy
gay or were the apparent signs of homosexuality merely
characteristics of a naοve farm boy?  Even if he were gay, did he
feel the same intensity of affection, the same powerful urge to
show that affection intimately?  And how might they share their
bodies without being caught?

Billy was, of course, gay and had much earlier recognized his
infatuation with Will, infatuation that had turned into genuine
affection.  He had a strong desire to make passionate love with
Will.  His desires were tempered, however, by his timidity and
fear — fear of offending his best friend and fear of certain
discharge from the Navy if the prohibited relationship became
known.

Will was reprimanded several times the next day for his lack of
concentration and was on the verge of being put on report when
the day of training finally ended.  By that time, he had made his
decision.

"Reporting as ordered, Sir," he said to the Captain.

"Good, come in," the officer replied.  Without wasting any time
on pleasantries, he continued, "So what's you decision?""

"I've reluctantly decided to decline the opportunity, Sir."

"For what reason?" the Captain barked.  "And it had better be
good!"

"OCS is a great honor, Sir, but it carries an obligation to serve
for a long time ... and perhaps make the Navy my career.
That's not what I want to do.  I want to serve, yes, but for a
limited time and go on to something else for a career."  There
was only a germ of truth in what Will said.  When he enrolled in
NROTC he fully expected to earn an officer's commission and
remain in the Navy.  Now, however, his goals were different.
Now there was Billy — who had taken top spot in his priorities.

"You're making a big mistake, son," the officer said harshly.  But
then, in a tone that abruptly changed from commanding officer
to guidance counselor, he added,  "Your father will not be
pleased."

"MY FATHER?" Will blurted out, forgetting the expectation of
decorum and respect when addressing an officer.  "What the
hell does my father have to do anything?"

"Settle down, sailor," the Captain urged.  "Your father called me.
We were fraternity brothers at Harvard.  He wanted to know how
you're doing because he hadn't heard from you in a long time.  I
told him your performance here was exemplary and you were
being considered for OCS.  He asked me to expedite the
consideration."

Forcing himself to control his anger, Will said, "That's a second
reason for declining OCS, Sir.  The opportunity is now tainted by
my father's blatant attempt to influence the decision.  I resent
his trying to pull strings for me.  Whatever I do or achieve will be
with on my own.   SIR!"

The Captain, both confused by his subordinate's logic and
irritated at his outburst, took some time to gather his thoughts,
time that seemed like an agonizing eternity to Will.  The Captain
snarled, "I could order you to attend OCS but I won't.  It's not
because you don't deserve it.  It's not because your father
encouraged me to do it.  It's because your heart wouldn't be in it
and — considering what you've told me — you would likely
screw up intentionally to get booted out.  That wouldn't be good
for you or for the Navy.  But let me say one more thing ... not as
your commanding officer but as a father with a son just as bull-
headed as you.  Stay in touch with your family.  I have no idea
why you haven't contacted him or what may have happened
between you two but trust me.  Family is important.  Loss of a
son or loss of a father is tragic."

"Thank you, Sir, for the OCS offer.  And for the advice.  Please
accept my apology for any lack of respect in what I've said."

A half-smile crossed the Captain's face before he resumed his
military bearing and said angrily, "Your decision is one that — I
guaran-damn-tee you — you will regret!  DISMISSED!"

Having turned down a certain future as a Navy Officer Will
returned to the barracks and to a very uncertain future.  He
wondered, "Is Billy gay?  Is he attracted to me as much as I am
to him?  Might we be assigned to separate ships, which would
mean I'd have lost BOTH desirable outcomes?"

Arriving at the barracks, he found Billy engaged in animated
conversation with another recruit.  They were occasionally
laughing and seemed to be enjoying themselves.  Will saw more
than there was to see, which upset him.  He'd chosen Billy over
OCS and now it seemed (in his distorted perception) Billy had
deserted him.  He didn't recognize it nor would he have
admitted it to himself but he was jealous.  Billy was HIS friend!
He felt an oppressive sense of regret for having made a wrong
decision.  He climbed into his bunk to feel sorry for himself.

Several minutes later, Billy approached Will who was silently
bemoaning the foolishness of hoping that he and Billy could be
more than friends.  "Hey, Will," Billy said.  "What'n tarnation is
goin' on?  Ya ain't been yurself.  Doncha dare lie to me neither.
I can tell somthin's eatin' at ya."  Will didn't respond so Billy
continued, "Come on, buddy.  Tell me.  If'n I can help I wanna.
Wanna know why?  I'll tell ya.  It's `cause when yur hurtin' I feel
yur pain.  We're pals, aint we?  What's a pal for if it aint to help
another pal?"

"Go back and have fun with Roger," Will said curtly without
looking at Billy.  "You and he seemed to have hit it off quite
well."

"Roger?" Billy asked, stunned by the obvious rejection of help
and confused by the reference to his conversation with Roger.
But a suspicion arose in his mind — the possibility that Will
resented the apparent friendship with someone else.  "We was
jus' swappin' stories `bout some o' the teachers we had in
school.  I thought mine was bad and it was `cause I was from
Miss'ippi but he growed up in Boston.  Good neighborhood.
Good school.  But the teachers ... some of `em ... sucked.  Now,
Will, we gotta talk about what's important.  That's y'all and yur
problem.  Doncha be no stubborn mule `bout it neither.  Let yur
buddy help if'n I can."

Slowly, Will recognized that his reaction to Billy's talking to
someone else was childish.  "Sorry." He said sheepishly.  "I've
been an ass.  Yeah, there's something bothering me but I'd
rather not talk about it.  There's nothing you can do to help.  In
fact, you've already helped by offering.  Maybe I can work things
out but right now I have to do it on my own.  I know that doesn't
make any sense but I hope you can forgive me."

"Okie-doke," Billy replied.  "But only if ya promise to let me know
if'n I can do any thin' for ya.  I wanna help if'n I can.  `Cause
we're buddies.  Right?"

Will felt like giving Billy a big hug in thanks.  Billy felt the same
way because he was truly worried about his best friend's
problem — whatever it might be — and wanted to comfort him.
Neither, however, acted on his urges.  It would be "unmanly" in
their current environment.

<><><><><>

It was the final week of basic training and all the recruits were
anticipating their orders.  Most hoped for specialized training
according to their interests but all recognized they would have to
accept whatever duty the Navy assigned to them.  No one was
more apprehensive about his assignment than Will.  He had
resigned himself to the likely prospect of being assigned a job
different than Billy's.  After all, his private schooling and almost
two years of college, not to mention being singled out for OCS
would surely destine him for a future unlike that of Billy who was
a high school dropout.   The most he allowed himself to hope for
was the remote chance that they would serve on the same ship.
Still, he feared that their paths would diverge and he would then
have lost both the OCS opportunity and the man he had grown
to — yes, he had to admit the truth — he had grown to love.  He
tried to hide his anxiety from Billy because he didn't want him to
worry and definitely didn't want him to know about his affection
... at least not yet.

Billy was no less concerned.  His attraction to and affection for
Will had become almost an obsession and he dreaded the
probable separation.  He had frequently planned to tell Will of
his desires but always restrained himself.  He wasn't sure that
his confession of lust and love wouldn't be cruelly rejected and
he didn't want to disrupt what he felt strongly would likely be
Will's meteoric rise in the ranks.

When the orders were distributed after the evening meal on
Thursday, Billy was not surprised.  He would be working in the
engine room of a cargo ship shuttling to and from Vietnam.  Will,
however, was astonished that he would be among the lowest of
the low on a third-rate ship.  The parting words of the Captain
reverberated through his mind, aggravating his torment: "You
will regret your decision!"  The assignment was clearly an act of
retaliation!  The injustice infuriated him.  The more he thought
about it, the more agitated he became.  He even suspected that
his father had arranged it as punishment for turning down OCS.
"It would be just like him," Will thought.  "Didn't the arrogant
snob demand that I work in a soup kitchen over the summer
when I didn't join the `right' fraternity at Columbia?  Didn't he
piously bellow that I had to see what it's like to be an ignorant,
lazy welfare mooch?  But that punishment backfired; Will
learned that those who came to the soup kitchen were good
people that were victims of bad luck."

Will didn't have long to nurse his wounds because Billy came
rushing toward him, asking, "Whatchur assignment, Will?"

Will replied with his disgust and disappointment clearly evident.
"Working in the engine room of the Brighton — a fucking
FREIGHTER!  A goddamn shit-hole job!"

"Ain't that jus' somethin' else!" Billy enthused, the good fortune
of serving with Will trumping the slur in Will's comment.  "Same
as me!  I figured y'all would be off to advanced trainin' to be
some kinda spec'list.  But guess what.  We gonna be workin'
together.  We can still be buddies."


Will was initially shocked by Billy's elation over their horrible
assignments and was about to resume venting his angry
disappointment when the last part of his friend's comment
registered in his mind.  Yes, he was not only assigned to the
same ship as Billy but they would be working together.  He
hadn't lost everything after all.  His unrealistic dream of
continuing to be with the man he wanted as a partner had
become a reality ... by whatever random chance or perhaps his
father's spiteful intervention.  The ominous clouds of despair
had parted and he was warmed by the rays of brilliant sunshine.

"That changes everything, my friend," Will said enthusiastically.
"I'd do anything the Navy asked if I could be doing it with you at
my side."

Billy was extraordinarily happy over the extreme good fortune of
the identical assignments.  But he was made even happier by
Will's comment.  It was, he dared to hope, an indication that the
affection he felt was shared.  Perhaps, just perhaps, his best
buddy might become his lover one day — a development that
he had fantasized about repeatedly but never dared to voice.
He stood next to Will, struggling to decide what to say that might
give a clue to his interests without explicitly revealing his strong
sexual attraction.  It wasn't the best response but it was as good
as he could muster at the moment: "Shucks, Will, ya make it
sound like...  I dunno.  Anyways, I feel the same way.  I'm happy
as pig in shit that we's gonna be together."

They smiled at each other for a lingering moment.  Their
thoughts, although unknown to the other, were virtually identical.
The single difference was that Will recalled his earlier goal: to
seduce a naοve farm boy merely for sexual pleasure.  Now,
however, his attitude was distinctly different.  He regarded Billy
not as a vulnerable country hick but as an honest young man
with an admirable character.  That changed his strategy and
tactics irrevocably.  He would have to proceed more slowly.  He
would have to suppress his carnal lust in favor of winning and
deserving trust ... and love.  When the silence became
awkward, Will said, "Yes, my good friend, we're going to be
together.  I can't think of anything that I want more than that."

Billy's smile broadened and radiated the joy he felt over Will's
statement.  The smile was returned in kind.  It was at that
moment, they would later recall, that their mutual affection was
first manifest to each other.  There remained but one obstacle to
taking the next step: the institutionalized and virulent
homophobia of the military at the time.

<><><><><>

On the final day of basic training, there was little to do except
prepare for and participate in the graduation parade and
ceremony.  Will and Billy then had ten days of leave before they
had to report to the Naval base in San Diego.  Will was hoping
that he and Billy might spend that time together. Off base and
as temporary civilians, they might experience what they both
wanted without fear of court martial.

"What are your plans for our ten day leave?" Will asked.

"Spend some time with family.  Lord knows how long it'll be
afore I get to see `em again."

"Oh," Will said.  "I suppose that makes sense.  I'd do the same
except ... well ... you know I don't get along with my dad and I
don't want to suffer through his tirades about how I've screwed
up my life."

Billy thought for a moment and said, "Why doncha come home
with me?  I sure would like my family to meetcha.  I think you'd
like `em, too.  They's plain folk but salt o' the earth type.  They'd
make ya feel welcome.  How `bout it?"

"That's very kind of you, Billy.  But I wouldn't want to intrude on
your time with your family.  I'd just be in the way."

"Bull crap!" Billy said.  "Y'all would be welcome.  And, truth to
tell, I'd like to spend some relaxin' time with ya ... away from all
this mil'tary stuff."

The implications of "relaxing" were not lost on Will but he
doubted that there would be any chance of truly private time in
which to pursue the possibility of sexual pleasure.  Not with
parents and five younger siblings in the household.

"Don't get me wrong, Billy.  I would enjoy spending time with
you ... because I like you ... a lot.  But I was planning on going
out to San Diego early.  I've never been to California and ... well
... I'd just like to be a tourist for a few days.  We'll have plenty of
time to be together aboard the ship.  Ten days won't be that
long to wait, will it?"

Billy's disappointment was palpable and Will felt guilty for
declining the invitation.

"Okie doke," Billy said sullenly.  "But I was kinda hopin' to have
my folks meetcha.  Let `em know what a fine fella y'all is.  Not a
hard-drinkin' sailor type if'n ya know what I mean.  So as they
don't worry none about me."

Will realized how much the visit would mean to his buddy and
offered a compromise.  "I could stop by for a day or two.  Would
that be all right?"

Billy's grin expressed his delight and appreciation far more
accurately than his exclamation of ""HOT DAMN!  That's
wonderful."

<><><><><>

The two love-struck but frustrated buddies hitched a ride from
the Great Lakes Naval Training Center to Chicago where they
bought tickets for the Greyhound bus ride to Detroit.  During the
300 miles on the bus along I-94, they periodically talked when
Billy, in the window seat, was not engrossed with the passing
landscape.

It was evening on Saturday when the bus pulled into the Detroit
depot.  Billy's father, Bobby Lee (namesake of his grandfather),
was effusive in greeting his eldest son.  Will wished that his own
father was as comfortable showing affection.  Mr. Simpson,
when introduced to Will, was extremely cordial.  "Pleased to
meetcha, son," he gushed.  "Billy Ray done a'ready tol' me how
good ya been to `im ... he'pin' `im with school work an' such.
Any friend o' his is a friend o' mine."

"He's spoken very highly of you as well," Will replied.  "His
whole family, as a matter of fact."

The man laughed and said, "Didn't tell ya `bout havin' to take a
switch to his bottom when he got into mischief, then, did he?"

"No, sir," Will laughed.  "But that's what a father has to do, isn't
it?  It seems to me that you did everything right because Billy
turned out to be an admirable young man that you can be proud
of."

"That I am.  Proud, I mean.  `Course his mama gits most of the
credit."

Later, nearing the Simpson home, Billy's father said, "Almost
there, boys.  Hope ya don't mind sharin' a bed.  Yur brothers,
Billy, are goin' on what they calls an overnight with friends so's
y'all can use their bed.  `Course they gonna be there durin' the
day.  They's mighty eager-like to see ya. "

Both Will and Billy pondered the prospect of sharing a bed but
each also realized that he couldn't do what he most wanted to
do.  Getting caught making love while in the Navy was disaster:
immediate dishonor of discharge.  Getting caught by parents
could be far worse: destroying precious bonds ... perhaps for
life.

Billy's two brothers and three sisters rushed to him when they
arrived in the apartment, all clamoring for his attention,
competing loudly to have their welcoming comments heard, and
jostling for the best position to hug their big brother.  Will was
struck with the outpouring of affection, which was something he
had missed growing up and missed even more now.

The uproar was interrupted when Mr. Simpson shouted,
"YOUNG'NS!  Yur furgetin' we got company.  This here is Will
Benson.  Say hello to our guest!"

One by one, in ascending order of their age, the children
greeted Will by shaking his hand and voicing a variation of
"Pleased to meet you, sir."

Meanwhile, Billy walked over to his mother, gave her a big hug,
and said, "I missed ya, Mama.  And I love ya."

Will, took note of the affectionate exchange in spite of the
successive greetings by the five children.  He wouldn't dare do
that with his own mother.  He also noticed that the woman had
tears, happy tears, rolling down her cheeks.  They broke their
hug, the woman wiped away the tears with her apron, and said,
Y'all gotta be hungry.  I got a big pot o' ham and green beans
ready for ya."

"Wonderful!" Billy gushed.  "Ain't nobody in the Navy that cooks
like my Mama."

They gathered around the small kitchen table elbow to elbow,
leaving no chair for the youngest child, a six-year-old girl.
"Come `ere, punkin'" Billy grinned. Tapping his lap, he said,
"There's room for ya right `ere."  She grinned broadly and
jumped up on her brother's lap.

The meal was delicious and the friendly banter was joyous.  It
was just after ten when Mr. Simpson announced, "Boys, get yur
stuff and be off to yur friend's place.  And ya better be good over
there.  Any mischief and ya ain't never gonna do it again.
Heah?  We'll see y'all in the mornin'."

As the two young boys retrieved their things in already packed
grocery bags, anxiety began to occupy both Will's and Billy's
mind.  In just a little while, they would be in the same bed ... and
unable to take advantage of the opportunity.


In the bedroom with the door closed, they undressed.  They had
seen each other naked in the shower on base several times but
there was a new component to their thoughts as articles of
clothing came off.  They were, at least for a brief time, civilians
and not subject to military discipline for "unmanly" behavior.
They would crawl into the same bed just inches away from each
other.  The temptation to express their desires for the first time,
to show their affection, and to give and receive the ultimate in
sexual pleasure was intense.  But knowing what was just
beyond the bedroom door — Billy's parents and his young
siblings — made that impossible.  They forced themselves to
think of something else to control (if only partially) the
demanding stirring in their groins.

As they lay in bed, perilously close to opposite sides of the
mattress, Billy said, "G'night, Will."

Will replied, "Good night, Billy."  But added, "Meeting your family
explains why you're such an admirable individual.  You may
have grown up poor and sometimes hungry but it's obvious that
you enjoyed an abundance of love.  And love is the most
important thing in life."  He stopped himself just in time before
saying, "I love you, Billy."

"Yup," Billy replied.  "They's good people, my family.  Gave me
lots o' lovin' and I s'pose it taught me how to love."  He hoped
his bed partner grasped the hidden meaning in that comment
but it was too subtle and Will could think only of his childhood
when spoken or physical expressions of affection were as
scarce as water in the Sahara.  Neither of the young men could
fall asleep quickly, thinking of each other.

<><><><><>

Will thoroughly enjoyed himself the next day, Sunday, playing
with the younger children in the park or sitting on a bench
talking and watching the energetic brood enjoy their play time in
the brilliant sunshine.  After a delicious evening meal, Mrs.
Simpson directed her sons and daughters to finish their school
homework.  That allowed the adults to sit in the living room and
interrogate Billy about life in boot camp, his expectations for
serving at sea, and reminiscing about old times.  Will was not
left out of the conversation, however, and was very comfortable
among people his parents would regard with disdain.

Monday was Will's last day as a guest in the Simpson home.
He had a flight to San Diego leaving in late afternoon.  The
children had gone to school and both of Billy's parents had gone
to work — he as an assembly line worker and she as a waitress
in a nearby cafι.  That left Billy and Will on their own in an
empty apartment.  Will was almost to the point of revealing his
feelings and, sure that Billy would agree, suggest that they
spend at least part of the day in bed to show their mutual love
for each other.  Before he worked up the courage to do so,
however, Billy said, "Know what I'd like to do, Will?  I'd like to
take ya to the Ford Museum and Greenfield Village.  I ain't
never been there but always wanted to.  I hear tell it's worth a
fella's time to see.  How's that sound to ya?"

Will was disappointed but if that's what his boyfriend — yes,
boyfriend even though they hadn't discussed it, much less acted
on it — then he would agree to the idea to please Billy.  In spite
of losing the opportunity for sex, both young men thoroughly
enjoyed the day and had to cut it short so Will could make it to
the airport in time.

Billy insisted on seeing his friend off at the airport and just
before it was time to board the plane, he grew nervous.
Haltingly he said, "I'm gonna miss ya, Will.  Do ya s'pose
ever'body `round here might think we's brothers if I give ya a
hug?"

"I don't care what they think, Billy!"

They embraced, oblivious to the crowd of people around them.
Will, tossing caution to the wind, briefly ground his crotch into
Billy's and happily noticed no adverse reaction from the buddy
he grew fonder of every day.  As he settled into his seat aboard
the plane, he reflected on the parting hug.  Billy didn't recoil
when they pressed their crotches together.  That was a good
sign; Billy undoubtedly has the same urges, the same wants,
and the same goals.  Or did he?  It was possible that he didn't
notice the deliberate stimulation or that he noticed and, being a
gentleman, said nothing.  "Damn!" Will thought.  "Why can't I be
sure of Billy's feelings?  I have to be sure before I offend him
and risk discharge from the Navy.

To be continued


AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Thanks, Iatia, for your valuable ideas, friendship,
and expert editing.