Date: Sat, 10 Dec 2005 12:43:30 -0800 (PST)
From: Farrell Mc Nulty <brendanchenowith@yahoo.com>
Subject: detectives log Chapter Thirty Six - The De-Programming of Eddie

  CHAPTER THIRTY SIX - The De-Programming of Eddie

So that's what this whole thing is about. My ex-boss-man turns Christian,
kidnaps some porno star, knowin' I'll be in on the case, nabs my boy,
turns 'im into some freakin' Stepford Wife. He was one of the best dicks
in action I ever saw. When I worked for 'im, I hated 'im, but respected
'im at the same time. Then he takes off, becomes this stupid Christian.
Not that Christianity is stupid, but what the hell does this guy think he
is? He's always had a swelled head, but now he's just applyin' it in this
direction. He's gettin' back at me, somehow. Stealin' my boy. He's gotta
go down and I'm the guy that's gotta put 'im there. I gotta get my boy
back. We get back to my place and me and Bobby pace back and forth,
hopin' some idea will pop up and we can go back and burn this bastard but
good.

Bobby pipes up, "hey, Mike, talk to me about that guy back there, the
Trenchcoat Detective". "He ain't no Trenchcoat nothin' anymore", I
snarled. "Nothin' against you, kid, you've been doin' good here, but this
is a fight between him and me, I figure. This guy is evil through and
through. The thing of it is, he thinks he's doin' good, but maybe that's
what he wants us to think. He's tryin' to make us out to be the bad guys,
just 'cuz we're together." We pace back and forth again. Bobby stops and
slams his fist into his hand and says, "wait, hold up. Ya
think he's tryin' to convert you, ya know, usin' Eddie and Dickie as a
ruse just to get you to cross over, like? Maybe you can head 'im off,
tellin' him you ain't interested." "Nah, there's no way to talk to these
guys once they get their heads in that way. Nah, talkin' ain't gonna do
it. Takin' 'im down is the only thing." More pacin' - Bobby pipes up
again, "I wanna take this guy down, too, but ain't that what he wants,
too?" "Whaddaya mean?" "I mean, these fanatics are all about martyrdom.
He used to be a dick, he's used to throwin' his life down for a cause.
Just like you to do, now." "Now wait just a sec, there. I didn't get into
this 'cuz I had a death wish. I grew up hatin' these scumbags and I
wanted to help rub 'em out, send 'em all up the river where they belong.
All of this danger and stuff is just icin' on the cake, just somethin'
that adds to the excitement of it all. Cuz without danger, the game grows
cold. But that ain't why he got into it, neither." "This might be a
longshot, but what are the odds that this guy just misses you and wants
ya back, but just not as you used to be." "Well, if that were true, and I
dunno one way or the 'nother, flatterin', yeah, but nah, I wouldn't go
back to 'im. The main thing that attracted me to 'im in the first place
was 'cuz he was the most macho guy goin' around. That's what got me
Eddie, he saw me in the papers and it turned 'im on, and all." "You say
ya love 'im, right?" "Of course I do, he's my life, why on earth would
you question that?" "What if you weren't dicks? What if you met him the
way ya saw 'im today? Would ya still go for 'im?" "Holy geez, you're
really givin' me pause, kid. Truth is, I dunno. I never thought of it,
'cuz Eddie's always been who Eddie is."

I took a minute to think all of this over. Memories flash back and forth.
The punches he threw, the leaps into action, the fist-slammin', spread
legs, the clothes, the great sex, the right combination of cologne,
cotton and a little bit of sweat. The perfect boy. Would I like him any
other way? Of course I knew what the answer was, the answer is no. "No,
Bobby, I would've looked 'im over for a bit and just moved on. Yeah, he's
still a good-lookin' kid, but there was nothin' in his makeup to say he's
goin' around dressin' like a preacher. Nah, Eddie's never been nothin'
like that before, so that's not him back there in that maniac's house.
That ain't Eddie Robinson back there. I don't know what the hell that is,
but it ain't him." "Yeah, he did look pretty warped, not like the gym
bunny I remember at work. Jesus, Mike, I know you've seen 'im like he
was, all scanty clad and all of that. I loved it when he was liftin'
weights and the sweat on his flesh, the veins poppin' out, the breathin'.
He even breathed like a hottie. When he hit the showers, I used to
imagine what he mist look like. No wonder you're so into him, Mike. If
you ain't been around, I woulda tried my hand at him, too."

I went up and put my hands on his shoulders, looked 'im right in the eyes
and said, "if Eddie ain't been around, and you come along, punchin' them
guys out in the alley back there, you woulda been it, too. I can't
apologize enough for what went on this mornin'. I been thinkin' 'bout
that all day." I take my hands off, but he puts 'em back on, then starts
huggin' me. "Nah, no need to back away. I like that. Ya really know how
to touch. I know it wasn't Eddie you was thinkin' 'bout when we did it. I
also know ya can't go with me all the time 'cuz you're in love with 'im.
I think it's beautiful and I can't wait til I get the same kinda thing
for myself. But, for the time bein', if ya wanna...." "Maybe, just maybe,
Eddie lives in guys like you, like Mike lives in a bunch of other guys
like me. Eddie's just a name tagged on to whatever it is you boys use to
get us hot. Maybe I could love you as much as him." We kiss some more,
Bobby kinda giggles, "yeah, what's funny?" "Nah, it's just that I know
that if I stuck around you, we could go to places that'd be a lot more
excitin' than South Africa." I laugh a little, too, and was about to
plant one on, then "HOLY MOTHER OF SHIT! SOUTH AFRICA! That's IT! That
dirtbag's gonna drag them guys away tomorrow mornin'! Aw, man, what was I
thinkin' that I forgot about all that. We gotta get rollin'!" "Rollin'
where?" "Look, here's the thing. We gotta fight fire with fire. We gotta
kidnap them boys and bring 'em back here and do our stuff. We gotta get
'em back to normal." "Like a de-programmin'?" "You nailed it, kid. Right
on the head." "I remember he said it was a 6am flight. Ya think that
might be a ruse, too, to throw ya off the scent?" "Yeah, he is a clever
enough bastard to pull that off. But not if we stake the joint out all
night." "When we were bein' taken hostage, I noticed there was a front
and side entrance to the place, right near the cars, so they wouldn't
have to walk much. We could each take a door and head 'em off at the
pass." "Sound thinkin', kid. You're gonna make some hero a great
sidekick, yet! Let's roll." Then I stop for a second, Bobby does, too,
and just looks at me. "What's wrong?" I take him in my arms and embrace
'im. "I love ya Bobby, but you were right all along. There was a reason I
couldn't finish ya off. That ain't the natural order of things. You'll
get a dick who's really gonna give it to ya, but it ain't me. That's why
ya brung up South Africa." Lookin' up, I says to God, I says, "I hear ya
Lord, ya want me back with Eddie and ya sent this beautiful boy to help
me make it so." "And I loved ev'ry minute of it. Time's a wastin' - let's
roll."

It was pretty dark. Just to be on the safe side, me and Bobby drove
around this guy's place, lookin' for what may be snipers or somethin'.
After a few laps, it looks like it's okay to sneak around the joint. I
start to bring the car into the driveway, like I did before when I
pounded on that jerk when he cut us off. "Hey, maybe they got cameras,
they see the headlights, that could tip 'em off and we'd be dead before
we know it." "Yeah, you're right, maybe we oughta leave the car on the
street. How fast a runner are ya?" "Trust me, chief, I forget my size
once I get rollin'." "Good boy. Oh, one, thing, take this." It was a rag
and some choloroform. I hated to think of doin' that to Eddie, but this
ain't Eddie I'm doin' it to. Just his body, but he ain't in it these
days.

Good thing there's a bunch of bushes and things like that to hide in. I
stake out the front door, Bobby gets the side entrance. Side kicks, side
entrances, I figured it made sense. We both make our way into some
shrubbery and just wait to pounce. Not sayin' a word, not even breathin'
if our lives depended on it. 'Cuz all of our lives depend on it. All.

My hunch was right, it was about 2 in the mornin' when I see the lights
go on. Then it became 3 when I saw some bodies walk past the picture
window on the inside. "Pay dirt, they must be ready to split." Maniac and
minions walk out, almost arm-in-arm. I hear them say somethin' about the
boys gettin' the bags. Then they get in. Imagine - my Eddie luggin' bags
for some twisted freak. Hoo-boy, this was war. I hear somethin' from the
side. Man, I can't believe it. Bobby actually pulled it off. In this
light I can't tell which one he's got ridin' piggy-back, but it's one of
'em. One down, one to go. BINGO! Eddie comes out with a suitcase. Knock
out rag at the ready. I scoop him up. I know this ain't really Eddie.
He'd fight back, hold his breath or somethin'. I didn't care. I'll turn
'im back the way he was if it's the last thing I do. If I don't get outta
here right now, it just may be. I get Eddie over on piggy-back, too and
run like a track star on fire. We get in the car and slam on the gas,
gettin' the hell outta there, just in time for the alarms and search
lights to go off. As we pull out, they pull out, too, comin' after us.
Well, we'll just let 'em have their fun.

"Nice nabbin, there, Bob. Ya got Biggs?" "Sure do, boss-man, sure do."
Biggs and Eddie was in the back seat, they started comin' to life again.
They start talkin' among themselves. "Why do you think he's taking us to
South Africa?" "I don't know, but he wants us to help minister to the
sick or something." "Well, I'm not exactly a medic. I wouldn't know the
first thing about it. I was an actor before I was converted, that's all I
ever knew." Me and Bobby look at each other and laugh. "Actor my...."

"Maybe you can put some shows on for them, make them forget their
misfortunes." Me and Bobby look at each other. "Misfortunes? We gotta get
these guys back to normal and fast." Just as we think it's smooth
sailin', sure as shootin'. There was some shootin'. I yell at Eddie and
Dickie to get down or else they'll get hit. "Who do you think is trying
to murder us?" Thinkin' fast on his feet, Bobby yells out, "it's your
parents, man, they're tryin' to get ya back to de-program you." "Oh, and
you're saving us?" "Yep, sure am, you'll be swattin' 'skeeters in South
Africa before ya know it." For a second there, I think I hear the old
Eddie, "holy blitzkrieg, we gotta get outta here." "I'm goin' as fast as
I can, kid, just keep down back there. Keep an eye on Biggs, too, better
lie on top of him, in case the bullets start comin' in." Aw, holy crap,
the back window gets popped out. Eddie and Dickie start screamin' for
their lives, Bobby yells, "keep it down, guys! I know you're scared, but
that ain't gonna do no good!" I get the idea to do a couple of donuts,
turn off the lights, and make a turn somewhere. "Great, Mike, ya lost
'em, ya really lost 'em." "No time for cheerleadin' now, Bob, we gotta
get back to the house and fast. HANG ON!" Fan-freakin'-tastic. We make it
back to the house, slam on the brakes, and move it out. "Get 'em inside
fast! They might catch up!" I grab Eddie and shove him in the door,
yellin' at him to take cover, and Biggs follows 'im. I'm at the front
door, Bobby's still out at the car, lockin' it up. "Come ON! MOVE! It's
gettin' light out. They could be here any minute." Too late! I hear the
squeal of tires. Bobby looks over his shoulder. The minions pull up and
come at us with AK-47's. I take cover with the boys, but Bobby just
stands there, facin' 'em. "REED -FOR GOD's SAKE!" I yell. He says,
"that's what I'm doin' this for. RUN!" I get back inside, look out the
window to see the whole thing. My God, Bobby's standin' still. He's
throwin' himself on their mercy, but they ain't got no mercy. Holy 4th of
July, machine-gun fire! He goes down! Bad guys pull away! I run out
there, not even carin' if they get me next. Bobby's blood-basted
bullet-blasted body lyin' in the driveway. He's moanin. At least he's
alive. Cryin' too. I whip off my coat and shove it under his head like a
pillow. I tap his hand, shake his face a bit back and forth, "come on
kid, you gotta make it. Ya gotta pull through for me." "Hey, Mike, I'm a
pretty good sidekick, huh?" Tears formin' in my eyes, I says, "nah, not a
sidekick, a hero." "Hero?" He smiles at the thought of it. The kid's a
hero now. He breathes a couple times, really beamin', lookin' up at me,
I'm lookin' at him. Then the smile goes away, the breathin' stops. Dead
with his eyes open. I start cryin', "no, Bobby, please come back, don't
go away. Bobby! Bobby! BOBBY! PLEASE!"

THE RETURN OF EDDIE ROBINSON! TURNS OUT EDDIE'S BEEN WATCHING THE WHOLE
THING UNFOLD - THE SHOTS, MIKE LOSING HIS COOL, BOBBY SACRIFICING HIMSELF
SO MIKE, EDDIE AND DICKIE BIGGS COULD SURVIVE. WATCHING THE WHOLE THING
MAKES HIM SNAP.

EDDIE - Mike don't know I was there the whole time, seein' this. I start
blinkin' my eyes, and all that. I think it was hearin' Mike scream at
this guy, I think it was the guy at the gym I was talkin' to about
sidekicks and all, he musta taken it all in. The screamin' made me think
of the screamin' I did when Mike took off on me when I was all tied up
before. He starts goin' on about, "ya can't die, ya gotta help me get
Eddie back to normal" and I cut 'im off. "Normal, whaddaya mean?" Mike
looks up at me and says, "Eddie, that really you?" "Course it is, who'd
ya think?" And he grabs me and hugs me. I pull back. Mike says, "Geez,
kiddo, what's up?" "So that's it, huh?" "Whaddya mean?" "Ya dump me so ya
can run off with this guy?" "No, no, wait just a second there, hold your
horses." I grab my package and yell, "YOU HOLD THIS, ASSHOLE! How dare
you take off on me, leavin' me to die down there. This bastard came back
and beat the hell outta me and...I don't remember anything much....why
the hell am I wearin' this get-up? What the hell's goin' on?"

MIKE - Eddie was really upset. He came back to himself and re-entry
wasn't easy. He told me I s'posedly came down to where he was tied up and
left 'im there to rot, and then he was almost beaten to death, and made
to wear funny clothes. First off, I tell 'im there ain't no way I'd leave
'im anywhere. I tell 'im all about the guy that nabbed 'im - same guy
that nabbed Dickie Biggs, who was still inside, hopefully not gettin'
wind of any of this. "That was your ex-boss? I never knew ya had one."
"Nah, kid, I started off as a sidekick. His. Then he disappeared on me.
When we came out to his place when you were all stepfordized, he told me
who he was. He's a born-again. You were hypnotized..." "Yeah, yeah, I
think I get it now. He tied me to some post, tellin' me I been sinnin'
and that I had to cry to wash all that away. That's when I got beaten.
That's the last thing I remember til I saw this kid lyin' there dead.
What was he doin' around here, anyway?" "He wanted to help me get you
back. He told me you told 'im all about bein' a sidekick and he wanted
some action. He took videos of the kidnappers and we been lookin' for
youse guys ever since. We came back and gassed ya both so you'd come with
us so we could switch ya back. They chased after us, started shootin',
then they came up here, Bobby threw himself on the guns and took all the
lead they intended for us. He saved our lives, kid. He saved us." "Man,
to think I was fooled by that thug when he pretended he was you. He just
dressed like you to get me to lose my marbles, so he could..." "He was
gonna drag you and Biggs off to South Africa for preachin' and that. I
couldn't stand to lose ya. I did ev'rything I could and poor ol' Bobby
did ev'rything he could to help me. Boy, he really dug you, though."
"Really?" "Yeah, he told me that if I wasn't around, he really coulda
gone for you?" Eddie laughed at that. "He did this just 'cuz he loved
me?" "Well, really both of us, but, yeah. Aw, ya shoulda seen 'im, you'da
been proud of him. I was missin' ya like crazy and had a few drinks,
feelin' sorry for myself, then he starts yellin' at me to go get you and
Biggs 'cuz he knew I loved ya and he knew I had to bring Biggs back and
close this case. He was amazin'. Come on kid, let's go inside and get the
cops, see how Dickie's doin', too."

EDDIE - Mike and I walked back inside, arms around each other, but I kept
thinkin' what he said about Bobby bein' amazin'. He sometimes said that
about me, too. Did the two of 'em get it on, I wondered. "Nah," I thought
to myself, "don't even think of that. Still though, I wouldn't blame him
if he did. I kinda feel the same way, lookin' at how cute this kid was.
If I wasn't around, he coulda gone for Mike. If Mike wasn't around, Bobby
coulda gone for me. If Mike wasn't around, I coulda gone for Bobby.

THE NEXT MORNING, MIKE CALLS HIS CLIENT TO ADVISE HIM DICKIE BIGGS WAS
FOUND AND IS SAFE AND SOUND. HE COULD COME AND GET HIM ANYTIME. EDDIE
STEPS OUT TO GET THE NEWSPAPER AND IS READING IT ON THE WAY BACK IN.

"Hey, Boss-man, check it out, real bad car crash not too far from us."
"Oh, yeah, lemme see." "Aw, man, aw, man, this is beautiful, BEAUTIFUL!"
"What's up?" "These are your friendly neighborhood kidnappers. They slam
into somebody after they murdered Bobby and the cops jumped right in and
nailed 'em. Turns out they had warrants up the wazoo. These guys are up
against it for life. Hey, I'll be right back, I gotta tell Biggs
ev'rything's okay and that his boss is comin' to get 'im. He pays us off
and we're goin' out on the town, kid, just you and me."

EDDIE - Mike runs outta the room with the paper. I'll read it sometime, I
ain't too worried 'bout that. For some reason, I fold my hands, not the
way I usually do when I'm in action, but in another way. I look up and
say, "thank you, father, for what you've done for us, for helpin' rescue
me and Dickie and for Bobby helpin' Mike out. I don't know if they ever
got it on or not, but if they did, forgive 'em, and please, I don't wanna
think about it, so please block it outta my head, would ya? 'Preciate
it." I ain't prayed since, well, since I was a kid in the closet and Mike
came and helped me outta there. Maybe - maybe it works, ya know? Just
maybe.