Date: Mon, 16 Jan 2006 16:15:26 -0800 (PST)
From: Farrell Mc Nulty <brendanchenowith@yahoo.com>
Subject: Detectives Log- Chapter Forty-Two - Creepin' Christmas Cliffhangers,
     Boss-Man!

Ah, the Christmas season. Yeah, CHRISTMAS! None of that Happy holiday
crap the PC cops make ya say. Man, we keep trippin' over ourselves to
avoid offendin' others so much we won't be able to think for ourselves at
some point. It's like whoever screams the loudest or has a really good
mouthpiece to do a lawsuit with gets what they want these days. But, all
crazy stuff aside, it's Christmas at Batz & Robinson, and at Mike and
Eddie's place. If yer out somewheres and see someone and don't know what
to say, just do a Merry Christmas to someone - take yer chances, take one
for the team, tell 'em Mike and Eddie said so.

Hoo-boy this is my favorite time of year, I'm tellin' ya. Yeah, I dig the
gifts and ev'rything, and I ain't a big fan of the snow, but the music,
the decorations, the crowd goin' nuts shoppin' and stuff, people are a
little nicer to each other, figurin' "hey, the big Boss-Man upstairs must
be watchin', seein' as it's His boy's birthday and all". My old man never
did nothin' for my birthday, but it's good to see that one old man's got
his boy's back.

Christmas eve comes so doggone fast, but boy was ours a hoot! So much
went on that day, and I'm here to tell ya - it started off okay enough.
Me-n-Eddie felt like goin' for breakfast, and I had to make a pitstop at
a convenience store, had to get a paper. We pull up and see something
VERRRRY familiar to the two of us - Yep, you guessed it, a robbery in
progress. How bold was that? Right in plain sight. Woulda given the
average joe a heart attack, lucky thing that we're not your Average Joe.

Without thinking 'bout anything, we step on up to the plate and go for a
grand slam. The doors were locked. Lotta good that did, we just crashed
right in, scared the poor little buggers to death. I mean the robbers.
One of 'em whips his piece out and yells out, "take another step and I'm
lettin' ya have it!" Me-n-Eddie look at each other and laugh,
"Holy tourist trap, this guy must be new in town"
"let's inner-duce 'im to a couple of locals, like REAL fast"

A-a-a-nd we're off! The two of us just wailed the tar outta the first
thug, knocked the piece right outta his mitt. The other guy takes his out
and Eddie yells "GUN!" He's got us covered! What'll we do. Take it like a
man, that's part of this business. We brace ourselves, but the poor
bastard forgets himself and pulls the trigger. Guess what! It was a water
pistol. The guy panics and yells, "oh, shit" - Eddie lunges right at 'im
like a good boy.
"You slimy little rug-rat - this is DRY CLEAN ONLY!" and throws a right
hook and knocks the guy against the wall. When he tried to run out, Eddie
grabs him. "Oh, no you don't - I ain't through with you yet", cuffs his
hands behind his back with one hand and gets 'im by the neck with the
other.

I was still hangin' on to the other scumbag and I callled out,
"hey Eddie - what's that ballet you like so much!"
"you mean the Skullcracker Suite? - Just PERFECT for this time-a year!"

and we slammed their heads into each others' and stunned 'em but good. I
snapped my fingers and pointed to the clerk, "you there, call 9 1 1!"
Eddie standin' over 'em, says, "ya know somethin', Mike - I think I know
what I want for breakfast - scrambled eggs". We cuff the bad guys and get
the heck outta dodge. I handed my card to the clerk, sayin' send me the
bill for the door gettin' fixed, "compliments of Batz & Robinson, Merry
Christmas", and we split.

I get a call on my cell phone. It's the Chief of Police, "Can ya come
down to the station right away?" Sensing the urgency I say "Course I can
- we're on our way" I snap the phone shut, snap my fingers and point at
Eddie, "Police Chief needs us right away - to the station" and we hop in
the car and speed down to headquarters. We get there in record time and
barge right in his office, and stand posed, ready for action, both with
spread legs, me with my arms at my side, fists formed, eyes squintin',
teeth gritted, Eddie - his chest pumpin' with adrenaline, breathin'
through his mouth, lips slightly open as in a small pout, wringing his
fist with his other hand, wide open eyes dartin' between me and the
Chief, somethin's up. somethin' big. "'mornin' Chief, what's up?"

The Chief looks at us both, clenches his mouth, and stands up slowly -
his big, beefy hands on his desk, his big, beefy arms supportin' him as
he rose to his full height of 6'5", salt and pepper hair impeccably
trimmed, parted on the left side, framin' his almost-jar-shaped face.
Smilin' eyes, I call 'em. His eyes formed in such a way he looks like he
always has a smile on his face, even if he doesn't. He gets from behind
his desk, and swaggers over to the two of us. He folds his arms slowly
across his barrel chest, his left hand, balled in a fist inserted
underneath his right arm, his right hand, opnenin' up and touching his
left arm. Aw, geez, this guy's a classic work of art. How many punches
them arms musta thrown, how many bullets his chest musta stopped, how
many punches to the gut and to the face, all in defense of the average
joe who ain't out for no trouble, and he live to tell like it's an old
war story - "them thugs tried to bring me down, but I got right back up
and taught 'em a thing or two 'bout messin' with me!" - How many times
that gravelly voice read the Miranda rights - slippin' that uniform on
every day when he used to, the shirt goin' 'cross his shoulders like a
cape, shades goin' 'cross his eyes, wrappin' 'round his head like a mask.
Civil Service Superhero. Someone I could learn from, in terms of no-b.s.,
brawl first and ask questions later. Spent 22 years on the streets, we
could use some more guys like him out there today. One crimebuster to
another - it's an honor to be in this guy's presence. If I were on the
force, that could be me, I could be the object of fantasy to two other
guys, but we gotta take life on life's terms. I know Eddie idolizes me,
he told me. I give 'im ev'ry reason, too. He stands between the two of
us, arms outstretched, wrapped 'round us - a hand on each of our arms, my
left arm, Eddie's right, we both look at 'im adoringly, worshippingly,
"boys, somethin's come up, gonna need your help today", then the firm,
gritted teeth dissolve into a huge, bearish, wet, sloppy smile, "we got a
Toys for Tots thing goin' on today and, well, we need a couple-a guys to
hand the gifts out - ya in?" Me-n-Eddie look at each other as if to say
"huh?", then we smile and break out laughin'!
"Aw, man, ya had us there - I thought somethin' bad was goin' down!"
"Oh, it is, these poor kids, no family, locked up in an orphanage, don't
get the kinda life that other kids have. Their parents can't get 'em any
gifts 'cuz they either took off on 'em or they dropped dead. We need to
give these kids a shot at a decent life, let 'em know they're cared
about, that somebody out there loves 'em. Kinda like you, Robinson - you
were kinda left to your own devices til ya met this big lug over here.
You were lucky - sad to say there ain't a Mike Batz out there for ev'ry
Eddie Robinson, wish there was. I kid this guy a lot, but I know how good
he is for ya, and you two make a real good team. Just wish all-a these
kids had the same thing. Anyway, we're dolin' out the loot in a couple-a
hours, sure'd appreciate it if ya could."
"Oh, yeah, definitely, anything for them", we both kinda said in not so
many words.
"Good, but there is one thing, we got these Santa and his Elf suits, ya
know, to add to the festivities as it were."
We looked at each other again - blood drainin' from our faces, as if to
say "he's kiddin', right?" WRONG!

I slip into my santa suit - hey, I'm older, what can I say. 'Sides, ya
shoulda seen Eddie in his elf outfit, all nice and small and tight - just
hugged that body of his. He was a little uptight about it at first, but
then saw it don't look too different from the Robin costume, just the
green part of it. He slipped on his tights - ri-i-i-i-ight up his calf,
then the thigh, he ran his hands up his legs to smooth out the fabric and
I followed him up with my eyes, all the meanwhile droolin'. I dunno what
gets me goin' the most - him gettin' dressed, or undressed. I'll take him
either way.

I figured I needed more than just my eyes goin' up and down on them
creamy, shiny gams of his. I help him get his elf-boots on and as I slide
them on his feet, my hand just kept goin' up, slowly but surely - I
caress his calves, I stroke his shins, I touch his thighs, he was
breathin' in-n-out, all breathless. I make it all the way up to under his
tunic and start havin' my way with his cock-n-balls. I coo, "do ya have a
package for Santa to open?" He looks up and grins, "it says not to open
til Christmas" Blowin' that off, I say, "there's no law - I'm a gumshoe,
I oughta know". I put my other hand on his shoulder to support myself as
I move in for a kiss, a sweet, gentle, yet wet and sloppy. He takes my
face in his hands and starts risin' up slowly, then he starts to stand
up, too. We had a few minutes before we were supposed to go on, so we....


GOTCHA!






Oh, come on, now, didja really think we were gonna get it on in a police
station, dressed like Santa and his Elf? Hoo-boy! Getcher minds outta the
gutter, would-ya! I mean, yeah, I really did look 'im up and down, but
like the Lovin' Spoonful says, what a day for a daydream.

So we go on, handin' out the gifts to the kids - Eddie handin' me a
package with a kid's name on it. Some-a them - Jesus - God help 'em, ya
know? Broken arms, bruises, some kid on crutches. Too bad I was Santa and
not Mike. I'd get into the whole thing, "who's the rat bastard that did
this to ya - I'll kill 'em myself." It took me back, as a kid who was
busted up a little here-n-there. Ah, what can I say, my dad was a boozer
- 'nuff-a that right now. So, anyways, on a lighter note, this little
girl comes up, face of a real cherub, ya know. Kinda like the little
Cupids, but that's a couple-a months away for Valentine's Day. Blond
curly hair, little frilly dress, man she was adorable, just like a little
doll. She kissed me on the cheek and said, "thank you, Santa", and I went
into the whole ho-ho-ho thing, and the green giant was standin' next to
me, speakin-a which. But the little girl went over to Eddie, motioned for
him to bend down so she could reach 'im, and planted one on the face,
too. I usually motion for him to bend over, but not for that (heh-heh).
Sorry. So she says to him, she says, "thank you Mr. Elf". Not one for
titles, he said, "naw - name's Eddie, kid". She got this really cure look
on 'er face. "Ooh, you mean Eddie the Elf?"

Right then and there I thought I'd lose it. I couldn't keep a straight
face. I started ho-ho-ho like nuttin' on Earth and it wasn't any act,
either. After the presents were handed out, me-n-Eddie were about to
mingle with the guests, it was a little sort-a reception thing goin' on.
I snickered in Eddie's ear,
"Eddie the Elf, what a knee-slapper"
"That ain't what I'm gonna be slappin'". he growled with a slight grin -
yeah, he was just puttin' me on. So we did that slo-mo fightin', all
"come on put 'em-up, put 'em-up".

The Chief came over and thanked us for steppin' up to bat and takin' one
for the team. "I tell ya somethin' Chief, me-n-Eddie are honored you
asked us to do this".
"Yeah, it felt so good makin' those little kids happy, ya know. Good to
give back a little once in a while".

Eddie was right - the two of us - we didn't have it so good as kids. I
guess that's what makes us who we are, and why we got together in the
first place. Maybe we were both out for somethin'. But we found it in
each other. Aw, lookin' at the kids playin' with their stuff. Does a man
good, it does - - really does a man good.

Gotta get real here - somethin' else I gotta tell ya. I almost had a kid.
I went through a stage where I went out with dames, that kinda thing, and
I had a thing with someone. We were kinda young, not much goin' for us.
She got pregnant. We were all torn up. Didn't know what to do. "We gonna
have it?" "I don't know, can we?" "I don't know". Finally she leaves me a
note, sayin' to not try to find her, she's gonna run off and get it, uh,
taken care of. Man, I cried like a baby - not even included in anything -
no chance to raise the kid, or to even see him, or her, or whoever.
Sometimes I thought about maybe she didn't kill it and just took off and
raised it herself. Pretty tough to do, though, no matter who ya are. I
sometimes imagine what this kid musta looked like, or how the kid turned
out otherwise. Maybe it's good I don't know. Feelin' kinda lonely I
started hangin' in bars, nightclubs, the whole nine yards - kept gettin'
looked at by guys, then I had a few flings. That was better. I wasn't
lyin' to myself anymore.

Well, anyway, the reception was goin' full speed ahead, had a few laughs
(not ALL at Eddie's expense - oh, he took it all in good fun, no big
deal). We even met the Chief's wife, lookin' a little pre-occupied, kinda
mad, even. But she napped out of it and we introduced ourselves. I shook
hands with her, how-da-ya-do, and all - Eddie, same thing. Poor lady had
this stuff on that made her smell like she'd been enbalmed.

Bein' polite as hell, clearin' my throat, I said, "gee, that's some
pretty-smellin' stuff there, what is it?"
"Oh, aren't you sweet! It's Moonlight Over Madagascar - it's all the
rage. Oh, would you excuse me, please, I need to freshen up a bit. My,
uh, sash is coming loose. Ta-ta!"

Eddie, if you remember, almost passed out once from the smell of car
paint, so you can imagine how he was feelin' right then.
"Holy O.D. Cologne-y", he whispered, "ya think she's got enough-a that
crap on?"

"All the rage", she says. RAGE was right! Smellin' that crap can make a
mass murderer outta anyone. Some time goes by, we're gabbin' the time
away. Pretty swell time we were havin', too.

THEN we heard a scream. That brought ev'rything to a screeching halt.
"what the hell was that?" we were sayin' back and forth, as if anyone had
an answer. Eddie suggested maybe someone else got a whiff of that
perfume. "Oh, let it go, kiddo".

A woman runs out and goes on about findin' someone dead - a rope 'round
her neck. I try to calm the dame down, "where's the body?"
"Just where I found it - in the ladies' room."
The Chief's wife gasped, "What? Oh, my GOD, what if that had been me?
That could've been ME in there. I am so lucky whoever it was didn't get a
hold of me. Poor woman, is she all right?"

We all looked at her, the Chief sayin', "Marilyn, she's DEAD, of course
she's not all right! And, how do you know it's a woman."

"Well, uh, there was a murder in the ladies room, after all." Changin'
gears real fast, she said, "Arthur, we simply must get out of here. Be a
love and get my coat, will you?"
"Honey, we have to stay here. There's been a murder at the police station
and you just wanna vamoose?"
"Well, I don't see what need I have to be here - I mean, I don't know
what GOOD I'd do here. I'd just get in the way."
"Honey, be reasonable would you?"
"I'll do nothing of the sort, If you won't be a gentleman and fetch my
wrap, then I guess I'll do it myself. Thank you very much, some husband
YOU turned out to be!"

I heard the Chief mutter, "jeez I wish it was her they found". Then I ask
the dame who sniffed out the stiff to take us to the crime scene. She
didn't want to at first.
"Oh, I can't let you both in there. It is a ladies room, you know."
Eddie piped in, "not anymore, it's a crime scene. We're detectives, he's
Batz and I'm Robinson"
"Oh, yes, I'm sorry, I - I guess I'm just...." She couldn't think of how
to describe her state. "Follow me, it's right down the hall".

We go into the ladies' room and see the body with the rope on her neck.
We go in for a closer look, seein' if it was maybe a suicide. Eddie
somehow gets a whiff of somethin'. "Man, there's that smell again." He
froze. A look of panic came over his face, he wrung his fist with his
other hand and was kinda shaky. "Holy spine-chillers. Moonlight Over
Madagascar!"

I got shaky, too, and stooped over and took a closer look. I almost
wanted to weep. I put my hand on Eddie's shoulder, "my boy, this is what
proves it." Sure enough, it was the little lady's sash wrapped around
this dame's neck. Eddie swallowed hard.
"Wh-why would the Chief's wife wanna kill anyone? She's the Chief's wife,
for Pete's sake."
Shakin' my head and tightening my lip, I snarled, "don't know, kid, I
just don't know." I breathed heavily in and out. I stood up all the way -
arms at my side, fists formed, legs spread eagle. Eddie stood upright,
too, legs spread, wringin' his fist, lookin' at me. "Only one way we're
gonna find out. This ain't gonna be easy. Back out to the crowd."

We went back out to the main area where the festivities were. Now the
children were cryin'. That really made me sore. Of all days, on Christmas
friggin' Eve. Someone snuffed out the day before the son-of-God's
birthday, too. I wondered what He musta been thinkin'. The Chief and his
wife met up with us. I said to him, "Chief, there's no other way I can
say this, I'm very sorry." Then lookin' at his wife, I went on. "But now
I know how your wife knew the stiff in the john was a woman" I looked
down a little, then back up. "So, where's your sash? I guess you
couldn't, uh, TIE it TIGHT enough around your waist, eh? But you COULD
tie it tight enough around that poor woman's NECK, now, couldn't ya!"

She became indignant, "What are you saying?"
Chief was too. "Detective Batz, I will thank you to take back that awful
remark this instant!"
"Would if I could, Chief. Would if I could."
Eddie piped in, "we found the sash around her neck and smelled the
perfume your wife was wearin'. I wouldn't doubt her fingerprints would
come up when the body's dusted."

The Chief turned to his wife, "Marilyn, tell them this isn't true. Tell
ME this isn't true."
Marilyn swallowed hard. "All right, Arthur. After you tell ME that your
affair with that cheap tramp was not true."

Me-n-Eddie were shocked. The Chief? Playin' around? All kiddin' about her
perfume aside - the Chief havin' a fling? "No, Marilyn, I can't tell you
it isn't true. I admit it. I had her pretend to be just one of the
public. I was going to make excuses and meet her later. I'm very sorry,
but I planned to tell you eventually that I fell in love with someone
else."

Just then my mind flashed back to my temptation with Bobby Reed and how
devastated Eddie was to find the whole thing out. Sure, I didn't go all
the way with him, but all I could think of was the look on that poor
boy's face when I 'fessed up.

Marilyn thought about it for a bit. "I see. Well, there's only one thing
I can think of to do." The Chief agreed, "yeah, it's -it's best. I'll get
some things and go to a motel for now."
"There's no need for that." She reaches in her purse and our eyes widen
with horror as she takes out a gun. "HANDS UP, you're all covered!" She
points it at all of us so as to keep any of us from gettin' drastic. Even
some of the beat cops were frozen up. Can ya beat that - the wife of the
Police Chief usin' a gun!

"For God's sake, Marilyn, be reasonable. There's no need to hurt anyone
else."
"I'm not thinking of hurting, I'm thinking of murdering. YOU, that is!
How dare you do this to me, after all these years! I've been faithful,
understanding when you came home late, when you were working those awful
hours as a patrolman. Hell, I even persuaded my father to bribe the mayor
into appointing you Chief of Police, just so I know you'd come HOME at
night."

Eddie shouted, "Holy graft! You gotta be kiddin'!"
"I am not! Tell them, Arthur. Admit it."
The Chief had no other choice. She really had 'im by the balls. This was
one frightful femme fatale.
"Yes, all right. I'll admit it. I had no aspirations whatsoever at that
time. I was a good cop. True, I didn't really walk much of a beat, but I
did go through the academy and join the force. We were married shortly
after I joined. I wanted to work my way up the ladder, but Marilyn
started to miss me a lot. I didn't see my kids much, or her. I wasn't
about to quit the force, either, so....this was the only way."

I looked around and saw the uniforms hang their heads in shame. They were
all busted up. Eddie grew furious. "It's not enough you were ready to
walk out on your wife and children like that. Not enough you'd invite
your squeeze to a Christmas party - for THEM - those kids. Look at 'em
over there, scared to death. Whaddya think you're doin' to their
holidays? Haven't they been through enough? An innocent woman's life was
taken - another woman's life was gonna be upheaved.
And if that ain't bad enough, what about the boys? They're out there
puttin' their lives on the line, some-a them even lost their lives
servin' and protectin' the good people of this town - under YOUR
leadership, which you BOUGHT! Whaddya got to say to all of 'em? Huh?"
Eddie's voice cracked, tears comin' to his eyes, he licked his lips. I
put my hand on his shoulder. He lowered his head and cried.
"It's okay, kid, it's okay"
"(sniffing) Merry gosh-darned Christmas, Chief!"

I look at the two of 'em, the Chief and his wife, that is. She still had
her gun aimed right at 'im. I whisper somethin' in Eddie's ear, he nods
his head. I stared carefully at her trigger finger movin' back slowly
pullin' the trigger. I shout "NOW!" and me-n-Eddie lunge toward the
Chief. I had my arms outstretched to push him out of the path of the
first bullet, but it caught me instead, slicin' the back of my neck and
sendin' me fallin' back. The second shot caught Eddie in the hand,
sendin' HIM back, too. A couple of shots hit the Chief after we were
pushed outta the way. Uniforms flung themselves to try to subdue her and
one poor bastard's head almost exploded with a shot. He screamed and
grabbed his head as blood gushed outta the side. He went down like that.
Kids and their guardians were screamin' and cryin' in terror, then the
Chief's wife was finally subdued and handcuffed. A uniform read her the
Miranda rights and she was about to be escorted outta the room and right
to a cell. Just as she was about to be escorted, one of the kids'
guardians walked up to her. "These children are going to be scarred for
life because of what you did today. What have you to say to them?"
Marilyn just shrugged not carin' much, "So it'll toughen them up. At
least they won't be walking around a spineless jellyfish like you. HA!
Social Services."
"This is how spineless I am", he snarled as he throws a left hook right
in her face, which sends her fallin' back, caught by the cops.
"Oh, such a powerful man you are, striking a lady."
"I struck you - not a lady."

CREEPIN' CHRISTMAS CLIFFHANGERS!
A MAULED, MURDERED MISTRESS!
CRYING CHILDREN!
BATZ BLEEDING!
ROBINSON REELING!
THE CHIEF'S PLANS BACKFIRING IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!

HOW IS ALL OF THIS TO END?
WILL IT?

YOU'LL FIND OUT EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS BUT ARE
AFRAID TO ASK - IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.