Date: Thu, 2 Feb 2006 15:36:18 -0800 (PST)
From: Farrell Mc Nulty <brendanchenowith@yahoo.com>
Subject: Detectives Log - Chapter Forty-Four

This is Chapter Forty-Four of Detectives Log, titled, "Repugnant
Republican Rascals".  This is part one of a three-parter.


  CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR - Repugnant Republican Rascals!

EDDIE - Man, oh man, you are not gonna believe this! If me and Mike
didn't live through this for real, he'd think I was makin' this up, but
here we go. It all started bright and early on a Thursday mornin'. I was
makin' breakfast for the two of us when Mike comes up to me wearin' a
pair-a handcuffs.

"Hey Eddie - looky here"

Lookin' from my cookin', I turned to him and laughed, "holy jailbait!
That's whatcha get for not payin' that parkin' ticket!"
"Aw, crap, that ticket's a joke and we both know it, but this isn't. I've
been readin' up on how ya can use mind over matter. Here, watch this."

He held his hands up and tried to pry them both apart. His face turned
beet red, his teeth were gritted, he was groanin', too - just the way I
like him sometimes.
Anyway, a couple-a minutes go by and he actually broke the links!

"Holy houdini - how d'ya do that!"

"Just as I says, kiddo, mind over matter. I'm a pretty good built guy,
pretty strong, all this steel is just a bunch-a DNA molecules that can be
broken if ya fight real good against it."

I laughed again and joked, "boy, that'd come in real handy if we ever
turned into bad guys"

Mike grew pretty serious after that. "Eddie, please, don't ever joke
about a thing like that again."

"Aw, but, Mike, I was just....."

"Please. It don't take much to turn a good guy bad - now me-n-you met a
bunch-a people along them lines and ya know how easy it'd be. Bein' on
the side-a good is so precious we can't even joke about crossin' over.
It's a gray line about this thin."
He was holdin' his thumb and index fingers together.

"Gosh yes, Mike, you're right. But that's still a neat trick there with
the cuffs."

Lightenin' up again, Mike says, "yeah, it took a little time to learn it,
though, but it was worth it. Anyway, I'm starvin' to death and there
ain't no mind gonna get it over THAT matter. Serve it up, Joe!"

MIKE - Just then the doorbell rings - it's new business - a client in
crisis - I was about tohit the buzzer and realized I was still in cuffs.
Get the keys out, open them babies - CRACK, there ya go. Shame I had to
waste these, but, oh, well, I'm a man of the law, I can get plenty of
these - Anyways, in walks a CEO type, 3-piece pinstripe suit,
salt-n-pepper hair perfectly combed - it doesn't seem to move - he's
carryin' a briefcase. I put my hand out for shakin' - "hey - Detective
Batz, this is Detective Robinson - how can we help?"

He opens up his mouth to talk, tightens his lip, exhales hard and puts
his head down, then looks up again. "Detectives, I hear you're the best
in the business. I think my boy's in a lot of trouble and I hope you can
help".

I lead 'im to the sofa, "sure, make yourself at home. Ya need anything,
like coffee, or somethin' a little stronger?"

"No, thank you, I just ate before I came here. Detectives, this is very
difficult to live through much less talk about, I'm not sure where to
begin."

Eddie pipes in, "just tell us what's on your mind and what you'd like us
to do. For starters, what kinda trouble's your son in?"

"Well, he, uh, he's only 16 years old, stays out pretty late, almost
every night. He was once in the running for a Yale scholarship, had
always performed very well in school. However, as of late, his grades
began to fall - or may I say plummet."

"Gee, that's too bad - ya think he's into drugs, that kinda thing?"

"Well, that's what I'm hoping you'll find out. I tried to talk to him
myself, but that came to nothing. I don't think the police department
should be involved in this because I'm wary of bad publicity. You see,
I'm Chief Executive Officer of..."

MIKE - "Holy crap", I thought to myself, "I had this guy pegged right -
score one for the Batz-Man".

"and I don't wish this to be leaked out to anyone. I think this may help
you deduce what's going on in my boy's life. I found these under his
mattress. I think he may be gay."

"No shit", I think to myself as As I look through the stuff in the
briefcase filled with issues of The Advocate, some sports magazines, and
other things. Eh, harmless enough. Kid's just jackin' off to 'em. Can't
blame him, though - I did some serious strokin' sometimes. Don't have to
anymore, though, heh-heh.

"This is of course a serious problem. I think I would be devastated if he
was, but I'd like to know for sure, so I can set about healing him."

"Beg pardon?"

"I've heard of clinics and workshops where young boys who are confused
about their sexuality are re-programmed and cured of their illness."

"Illness?"

"Why, yes, of course, like alcoholism, drug addiction, even cancer,
homosexuality is an illness which must be eradicated, and I would like to
do that for my son."

EDDIE - I really had to keep up my poker face on this one. This guy was
really gettin' offensive and it all I could do to keep from poppin' 'im
one. But I had to say somethin'.
"What makes ya think he's sick? Some folks say it's genetic, other folks
say it's how a guy chooses to live his life."

"I am the boy's father and I've raised him to live a certain way, the
same way I was raised to live and it has given me a perfect life. I need
to do whatever it takes to remove what is a sick, ugly stain on my
family's reputation. Now, are you going to cooperate with me or not?"

MIKE - I gave Eddie one of these gestures that says "cool it" and I told
the guy we'd help 'im out here. Not that I agree with anything he says,
but, well, he is a client, he thinks there's somethin' wrong goin' on,
and he wants us to do somethin' for 'im here. "I can understand the
stress you're under and how much this worries ya and gets ya upset. We'll
do ev'rything we can. Now, the magazines will help - do ya have a recent
picture of 'im so we can stake 'im out?"

The kid's dad whips out a pic and hands it to us. Holy Red Foley, this
kid's pretty hot. He's got the same million-buck haircut like his dad,
but it's a really rich brown. Wow, what teeth, this kid's a real smiler.
He really picked the right team to play on, he'd be a pretty big hit, I
thought. But, anyway, his dad's hirin' us to see what's up.

Dad gives us his card with his card with the address and phone number.

"Let's see - ya know if he's gonna be home tonight, or if he's goin' out?
I think we can park a little ways down from your place, then tail 'im
that way, then talk to 'im, or somethin'."

"Just find out what he's up to, take photographs and bring them all to my
attention. If there's any talking to be done, I'll take care of that,
thank you very much. Boys were once arrested and imprisoned for this sick
behavior and I think it would do this nation a great service if such a
penalty were to be reinstated."

EDDIE - Holy Mc Carthyism

MIKE - Ward Cleaver wrote out a check for the retainer fee. I told 'im
I'd let 'im know about expenses and other things.
"We'll keep ya posted once we get somethin'. Just hope we can help ya, is
all."

"My sentiments exactly, Detectives."

EDDIE - I usually tell people to call me Eddie, but that's a kinda
friendly thing, this creep don't deserve that. I'm good with "Detective".
Right after the door closes on his butt, too bad it didn't hit 'im there,
I had to open my trap.
"Holy heartless homophobia - why'd we take his case, anyway? Isn't this a
free country?"

MIKE - Eddie was burnin' up here. He was pretty uptight about my takin'
the case on, but a gumshoe is a gumshoe is a gumshoe and that's what this
guy needs. I had to rein Eddie in a bit. I took him by his shoulders and
stared right into his innocent, beautiful wide eyes.

"Now, look, kiddo, the boy is a minor, he's not at an age of consent. His
old man is only doing what he thinks is right...."

"...for himself, ya mean."

"Well, that may be true. I wouldn't take this on if he were your age, but
unless he applies for emancipation, he's gotta follow his old man's lead,
whether we agree or not, he wants to know what's goin' on here. Me-n-you
didn't have that, where our dads gave a rat's patoot about us, but this
guy does."

"Well, yeah, but all that crap he was comin' out with...."

"....he just doesn't know any better. Maybe he never met any gay guys
before, he's goin' by what he heard about 'em. He doesn't know that gay
men can be upright, good citizens and all-a that."

At that point, Eddie tightened his lips and nodded. I egg 'im on, "come
on, kiddo, bring them hands up, slam that fist in your hand, like I like
it when ya do. Say I'm right, come on, I know ya wanna - this is me yer
talkin' to, huh?" He's really kinda cute when he does that, that he
doesn't really like what's goin' on, but he respects that someone thinks
he's doin' the right thing. That's all anyone wants to do is what's
right, or what they think is.

"Oh, oh, okay" SLAM - fist goes into the hand, that's a way to make them
bi-ceps bulge. Ooh, WOOF! "Okay, you're right again, Boss-Man"

"Spoken like a good boy. Anyways, we gotta get headin' out later on, try
to follow this kid."

"Mike, I got an idea. Before we met, ya know, I was hangin' out here and
there. I knew a guy who was turnin' tricks. Now, I never did that sorta
thing, but he was a good kid. We dated a couple-a times, then when I
found out what he was doin', we broke it off."

I was non-plussed. I couldn't believe my Eddie would've hung with that
type. "Eddie, that's a felony. What were ya doin' hangin' with that
sort."

"Look, I told ya I broke it off when I found out. I was just as shocked
as you. Anyways, I left it on good terms, this guy's into kinky stuff,
and all-a that, I figured I'd show him this kid's pic and see if he knows
a thing or two."

"Well, I dunno, I'm not crazy about this idea of you bein' in them
areas."

EDDIE - Now I was non-plussed. "Mike, I'm a crimebuster, I'm not goin'
there to get a six-pack, I'm thinkin' of goin' to try to wrap up this
case."

MIKE - The arms are folded, the legs are spread-eagle, the look on my
face is sterner than stern, the voice, gruff and authoritative. Yeah,
this kid's my crimebustin' partner and my life partner but right now I'm
becomin' his dad, that I'm old enough to be, let's face facts, and I'm
all about the facts.

"Hold on a minute, sweet cheeks, YOU ain't goin' anywhere - WE'RE gonna
see this guy about a tip. No way in hell I'm gonna letcha alone in a part
like that. There's way too much temptation."

"Temptation? Me? I avoided that sorta thing my whole life. What makes ya
think I'm....."

"I know you stayed away from all that stuff before. But that was before I
knew ya. Ya didn't have me in love with ya then, but ya do now." I grab
his right arm with my left hand and lightly poke his chest with my right
index finger. "Now, look, kid, I know yer a good boy and ya don't want
any part of that. But I'm a good MAN. Good men look after good boys
whether they need 'em to or not, 'cuz that's what good men do when they
love their boys, especially THIS good man. Ka-Peesh?" Before I can give
'im a chance to answer, I nod, wink and say "ka-peesh" for 'im. "Now,
let's roll."

EDDIE - Me-n-Mike go lookin' for this guy I knew in the old days. I sat
shotgun in the car as he was drivin', real satisfied look on his face,
both of those real hard, manly hands on the wheel. I start rubbin' his
leg up-n-down, the grin on his face gettin' wider. WOOF!

"Hey, Mike"

"Yeah?"

"All that stuff you were sayin' back there, settin' me straight and all -
I gotta admit, I kinda got off on it. Kinda turned me on."

"I know."

"Yeah?"

"Course - I see ya gettin' all ga-ga when Batman does that with Robin.
See, kid. I always try to give people what they want - I know ya wanted
that."

"You're serious! Wow, no way!"

"Big way, kiddo. Why the hell do ya think ya get brash sometimes - 'cuz
ya know I'm gonna grab ya, look at ya the way I do, talk to ya the way I
do. That is why ya fell for me in the first place. Why the hell else ya
think ya get brash sometimes - 'cuz ya know that's what gets me! Oh-ho-ho
YEAH, baby! I was watchin' ya deck that thug the night we met. You were
really happy to be kickin' some thug butt. When I saw them arms of yours
poppin' in and outta them sleeves, I got enough wood to build a log
cabin."

EDDIE - Man I was laughin' out loud. "I was turnin' ya on that much?"

"Mucher than much, kiddo. C'mere and give yer hero a kiss."

Eddie slid over and planted me one. I put my arm around 'im, like we was
goin' to the drive-in or somethin', which wasn't a bad idea, but we had
this sleazebag to talk to, so (AHEM) FIRST THINGS FIRST. We were ridin'
for a while, then Eddie sees this kid he was talkin' about. "Hey, Mike,
there he is, beep the horn."

"Hey, Richie! Richie, over here, man, it's Eddie!"

Well, if it wasn't the Midnight Cowboy himself. Ya shoulda seen this one,
all decked out in a cowboy hat, painted-on tee shirt, poured on jeans -
sufferin' snakeskin. He leaned over on Eddie's window, as he put his arms
on the door, I could see a skull-n-crossbones tattoo. "Hey, Eddie, long
time no see, man, what's the word? Hey, is that Mike?"

"Sure is."

"Hey, there, it's good to meet ya. I've read a lot about ya."

"Richie's your name?"

"Well, that's my real name, yeah, but my street name's Bronco Billy."

"Ah, yeah, hence the cowboy get-up. Looks good."

"Thanks. Hey, so what brings ya guys up here?"

"We're checkin' out what some kid's up to. His dad wants us to track 'im
down, that sorta thing. Thinks he's out cruisin'. Here, we got a photo of
'im."

Bronco Billy, I mean, Richie, whoever he is right now, looks at the pic,
recognizes the kid. "Aw, yeah, man, I saw this one a whole bunch of
times. What's the deal with his dad, man?"

"He's all pissed off 'cuz the kid's only 16."

"SIXTEEN? No fuckin' way!"

"Big way, Bronco."

EDDIE - The guy acted like he found out he accidentally boinked his
cousin. "This - - AW, I can't believe I did it with a kid."

MIKE - Well, I think I can tell why this one's turnin' tricks instead of
doin' taxes. "Didn't ya think he looked kinda young for his age, there,
Bronco Billy?"

"Well, he said he was 27, I took him at his word. I'm not exactly runnin'
a liquor store, I never check ID."

"Might be a good idea from here on, ka-peesh? Ka-peesh!"

"Do ya know this kid pretty well?"

"Well, ya don't exactly do the kinda business I do without gettin'
acquainted real good. We talk sometimes. We met at this club called the
Bear's Den, filled with bears, admirers, that sorta thing. I'm an
admirer, so's he."

MIKE - This didn't make a whole lotta sense to me, but than again, not
much does in this life. "Well, if ya like bears so much, why'd ya go with
him?"

"I could admire anyone that's got the cash. You got enough scratch to go
to Fantasy Island, just call me Mr. Roarke."

"Uh, no, thanks, I'm good with callin' ya Richie. Anyways, where's this
Bear's Den, anyway?"

"Not far, just a couple-a miles. Just head down this street til ya get to
Wireton Road, make a right, there's a kinda ramp which'll take ya 'round
the place, just circle around til ya can get in the parkin' lot."

"They got a cover?"

"Nah, but ya gotta be a member."

"Aw, creeps"

"No mind, kid, we can bluff our way in. Hey, thanks for the tip"

We were about to take off when the Midnight Cowboy asks me a favor. "Uh,
sure, okay, what is it?"

"Ya think I can get a hug from Eddie?"

"Oh?"

"It's okay, Mike, he's a good guy. Besides, I haven't seen 'im in a
while."

"Okay, but not long. We gotta go off and find...Tattoo."

EDDIE - So I get outta the car....

"DOOR STAYS OPEN!"

....and I'm chattin' with Richie -

"Yer lookin' pretty good, Eds!"

"Me? What about you? I love this get-up, MAN I wish I could dress like
that!"

"NO YOU DON'T!"

"Your guy's right, I mean, I still like ya and ev'rything, but none of
this is for you. You were right to take off when ya found out what I
did."

"Why didn't ya ever tell me?"

"'Cuz I knew I'd lose ya."

We both laughed. It was true.

"You were just the hottest guy in the neighborhood, and one of the
nicest, too. I really wish I coulda been more like you. So honest,
forthright, you knew who ya were and what ya wanted to be. Ya know I
sometimes got a little jealous of that scrapbook ya used to have. Ya
don't still have that, do ya?"

"Til the day I die. Well, we do have to get goin'. I finally got the life
I wanted, and now we gotta go live it."

"Okay. Listen, though, you take care-a yourself, all right?"

"You, too, Rich - and thanks again."

OUR HEROES DRIVE OFF TO THE BEAR'S DEN. BRONCO BILLY WALKS A FEW FEET
WHEN A MERCEDES BENZ PULLS UP. "Get the hell in", CALLS A VOICE FROM THE
CAR. IT DRIVES OFF. IT'S THE BOY'S FATHER! WHAT IN TARNATION'S GOING ON
HERE?

"So, did you do as I asked?"
"Yeah, dad, I did. Told 'em to go off to the Bear's Den, just like ya
wanted."
"Splendid. That picture of your cousin seemed to do the trick - uh, no
pun intended, that is."
"Say why do ya wanna get these guys so bad? I mean, I know yer pissed at
Mike, but why do ya gotta get the kid, too?"
"Well, you're too young to remember the Communist blacklisting era, but
just as it was said then - - guilt by association. I can't believe Batz
didn't recognize me. That plastic surgeon did me a world of good."

HOLY HOAXES! DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S TO HAPPEN NEXT? CAN YOU
BEAR IT?

OF COURSE YOU CAN! THE NEXT CHAPTER IS ONLY A MOUSE CLICK AWAY!