Date: Thu, 14 Sep 2006 04:23:01 -0700 (PDT)
From: Farrell Mc Nulty <brendanchenowith@yahoo.com>
Subject: Detectives Log - Chapter 74

  CHAPTER SEVENTY-FOUR - Wretched, Roguish Role-players

THIS CHAPTER BEGINS WITH OUR HELPLESS HEROES IN PURSUIT OF THE
PERPETRATORS AND THEIR KIDNAP VICTIMS - TWO MEN DRESSED LIKE BATMAN AND
ROBIN FOR A SUPERHERO CONVENTION. THE VAN CARRYING ALL CONCERNED PARTIES
PULLED INTO A SECURED PARKING GARAGE ONLY ACCESSIBLE WITH A KEY CARD
WHICH MIKE AND EDDIE DO NOT HAVE. OH, WHAT DO THEY DO NOW?

MEANWHILE, IN A BEDROOM IN ONE OF THE APARTMENTS, THE KIDNAPPERS LOOK ON
AS THEY WAIT FOR THEIR VICTIMS TO WAKE UP FROM THE CHLOROFORM, WHICH THEY
DO. THE MAN DRESSED LIKE ROBIN WAKES UP FIRST - HANDS AND FEET TIED TO
THE BED RAILINGS. HE REALIZES WHAT A PREDICAMENT HE'S IN AND BEGINS
STRUGGLING, ONLY TO BE TOLD:

"No good trying to escape, kid. You're here for the duration."

IT'S THE KIDNAPPER DRESSED LIKE RIDDLER

"Listen, you, whoever you are, you're not gonna get away with this."

"Whoever I am? Why, don't you recognize me? I'm the Riddler!"

THE BATMAN DOPPELGANGER ALSO WAKES UP

"Look. Cut the crap, fella. A little fantasy is one thing, but this has
gone too far."

"Why who said anything about fantasy? This is your reality - once you don
cape and mask, you're catapulted into another stratosphere."

THE ROBIN DOPPELGANGER SAYS,

"What are you going to do with us?"

"My boy, you can be sure my intentions are NOT honorable! SORRY to crib a
line from one of my criminal colleagues, but I felt it to be apropo."

THE 'RIDDLER' STARES AT THE ROBIN'S LEGS

"Nice. I notice you're bare-legged - no tights. Always a good thing. I
noticed that when I hoisted you over my shoulder, my hand on the back of
your thigh. I did NOT want to let go."

HE LIGHTLY STROKES THE LEG UP AND DOWN

"Nice shape, not a hair out of place - not a hair anywhere, actually.
Firm. muscular. I'd say you did some pretty good work on these. It's a
shame I gotta mess them up!"

'ROBIN' PANICS "Mess them UP? What are ya talking about?"

'RIDDLER' CUTS THE CORD FROM AN OLD LAMP - REMOVING SOME INSULATION,
EXPOSING SOME BARE WIRE. HE WEARS HEAVY GLOVES AS HE PLUGS THE CORD IN,
AND SLOWLY ADVANCES TO THE 'BOY WONDER', WHO PANICS AND REALLY STARTS TO
STRUGGLE.

"Please - I beg you - don't do what I think you're doing!"

"Too late. I'm already doing it. I've got to get you to cooperate
somehow."

HE TOUCHES THE BOY'S LEG WITH THE EXPOSED WIRE, MAKING HIM SCREAM AND
GYRATE. HE TRIES TO MOVE AWAY, BUT 'RIDDLER' TELLS HIM THAT NO MATTER HOW
HE MOVES AROUND, HE CAN MOVE AROUND, TOO, AND ZAP HIM AS MUCH AS HE
WISHES.

'BATMAN' THREATENS TO KILL HIM IF HE EVER GETS LOOSE

"Yes, that's right - IF you ever get loose. Loyal henchman - the point
and venom, too."

"Gotcha, Boss!"

'RIDDLER'S HENCHMAN THROWS A PUB DART WHICH LANDS RIGHT NEAR THE BATMAN
ACTOR'S COLLAR BONE, CAUSING HIM TO SCREAM AND STRUGGLE.

"Well, get the kid, too."

AND THE ROBIN ACTOR IS ALSO DARTED AND REMEMBERING THE TV SERIES, HE
MOANS, "Holy D'artagnan", CAUSING THE 'RIDDLER' TO STOP.

"By Jove, I think he's got it!"

"Got what?"

"Looks like we got a couple of playmates."

THE BATMAN ACTOR SAYS, "Playmates?"

----------------------------------------------

MEANWHILE, OUR HEROES ARE STUMPED OVER WHERE TO FIND THE KIDNAP VEHICLE.
EDDIE SUGGESTS THEY GO OVER TO THE MANAGEMENT OFFICE AND SEE THEIR
RESIDENTS' RECORDS. BUT IT'S CLOSED

MIKE - "Damn. It's closed!"

Then Eddie asks, "what're ya gonna do? Use a credit card to pry the door
open?"

I say to him, "Not yet - maybe we can jimmy the lock. Ya got anything in
that tool belt of yours?"

"Gotcha, Boss", Eddie says as he looks for something.

I start lookin' for somethin' to jimmy the lock, but for some reason, I
look up and notice a way in.

"BOSS! I got it! That transom up there - looks like it's open!"

"By God, you're right, boy! One of us can climb in there and open the
door for the other."

"I'm on it, Mike!"

"Not just yet, kiddo. It looks a little narrow. You're muscles are a
little too bulky for that, but I think I can squeeze in there. Gimme a
boost."

"Roger!"

I clasp my hands together as Mike steps into them and uses me shoulders
as a hand-hold. He gets up on my shoulders, but it's still a little high
up.

"I got it. I'll hoist ya up there."

I grab ahold of the sides of the door and climb up, pushin' Mike as high
as he can get.

"Good goin', Kiddo - I'm in. Wait just a sec."

The Boss-Man gets on the other side and shimmies down, opening up and
letting me in.

"Okay, if we can JUST figure out which drawer has the parking garage
files, we can see which license plate goes with which unit."

"Got my digi-can, Boss!"

"Good. Bring up the image with the license plate number."

We find the right drawer with the parking garage records on it. We start
searchin'. As luck would have it, it's alphabetized. The van is
registered to a tenant named Mitch Andrews.

"I GOT IT, BOSS! He's in Unit 2-C at Building A!"

"Great job, kiddo! Let's go kick some bad-guy butt!"

"NOT SO FAST! HANDS UP!"

Me-n-Eddie freeze, reachin' for the sky.

"Holy Johnson Wax! It's a Janitor with a Gun!"

"No, no, no what the hell are ya talkin' about? I'm security. Here's my
badge."

Then he says sheepishly, "security and maintenance uniforms kinda look
alike. But what do you think you're doin' here?"

I explain our presence.

"I'm Detective Batz - he's Detective Robinson. If you'll let us move our
hands, we'll produce OUR badges."

"Not so fast. Tell me where they are - I'll get 'em myself."

This is one sharp cookie.

"I've had this tried on me before. I fell for it once - literally. As
soon as their hands were released they clobbered me, took my gun and tied
me up in a closet. No thanks to that again."

"I gotcha. They're clipped on our belts on the left side."

MIKE - Security feels his way around, then spots our badges.

"Okay, so you're legit. What's goin' on here?"

"Steve's Comic Emporium was knocked over - all the Batman merchandise was
stolen and the owner and a friend of his were shot."

"Yes! And we staked out a Comic Book Convention and two guys dressed like
Batman and Robin were kidnapped right in front of our eyes."

"Until we were maced, but we pursued them and managed to snap photos of
the kidnap vehicle."

"We followed them here, couldn't get access to the parking garage, so
this was the only way we'd find out which unit they're in."

Security thinks it over.

"Ya know - that sounds familiar. Man, I bet it's those two kooks in
Building A!"

"What do ya know about them?"

"There's all kinds of complaints about them - always making too much
noise - they dress funny, that kinda thing."

I ask if he has a pass-key - maybe we can get a jump on 'em!

EDDIE - We head out to building A. We keep our ears open at every unit we
pass, then we start hearing familiar noises - at least familiar to me.
Recreations of the Batman series.

--------------------------------------------------------

MEANWHILE - INSIDE THE APARTMENT - "Riddler" begins to cackle
hysterically, "all this torment is getting me hungry - time to barbecue
some Batman!"

"You don't mean the spit, boss?"

"Eggs-actly. Here, keep your piece trained on them."

THE HENCHMAN AIMS HIS GUN AT THE TWO HELPLESS, HAPLESS ACTORS. "BOY
WONDER" IS UNTIED FIRST, BUT KEEPS HIS HANDS UP AND IS LIMPING DUE TO HIS
LEG INJURY. "BATMAN" IS THEN UNTIED, ALSO ORDERED TO REACH FOR THE SKY.
"RIDDLER" TURNS HIS HEAD FOR A NANO-SECOND, THEN "ROBIN" SUCKER-PUNCHES
"RIDDLER", KNOCKING HIM TO THE FLOOR. "BATMAN" LUNGES TOWARD THE
HENCHMAN, AND AS THEY WRESTLE FOR THE GUN, IT GOES OFF.

MIKE - We hear a ruckus down the hall - must be them. We start running
toward the sound, but then we hear what sounds like a gun going off, and
a guy screaming, then some more noise. Me-n-Eddie stand outside the door,
nod to each other, then break the door down, and we see the guy dressed
like Batman holding his ribs.

EDDIE - I was furious. I saw the guy playing Batman clutching his ribs
and grimacing, then the guy dressed like Robin had his hands up and one
of the bad guys was aiming his gun at him, so we decided to divert their
attention.

"DROP THE GUN - DON'T MAKE ANOTHER MOVE!" We kept shouting over and over.

Then the bad guys instantly did as we told them, getting kinda freaked
out, begging us to not shoot them 'cuz the actors were only shot with air
guns.

"Air guns?", asked Eddie as he ran over to the damaged duo to check their
wounds. He noticed a bruise on "Robin's" leg.

"Wow, how'd that happen?"

"This sicko took a cut up lamp cord and stung me with it. How am I
supposed to pose as Robin with a messed up leg?"

"I wouldn't worry about that - it's just a superficial mark - it'll heal.
Let me check on your friend."

Eddie checked on "Batman" and saw there was no bullet hole in his outfit,
or in him, for that matter. He turns to one of the bad guys,

"Hey, how close did ya shoot this guy?"

"About maybe an inch or two - it was only a blast of air, I only wanted
him to fall over and scream for a second, I didn't wanna hurt him all the
way."

I was getting confused about this whole thing - kidnapping, fake guns,
scorching the kid with a lamp cord.

"Would any of you kink-oids mind telling me what the hell this is all
about?"

"It's role play"

"'Scuse me?"

"Look, we dress up like the villains and make up new scenarios, getting a
couple of guys to dress like the Dynamic Duo. We couldn't find any
voluntarily, so we snatched a couple of them."

"well, all righty then - kidnapping, bondage, assault - not to mention
being possible suspects in tonight's comic store robbery."

"Not only possible, Mike, but definite."

"Whatcha mean?"

Eddie spots a pile of comic books, still wrapped, with the name of
Steve's Comic Emporium on the front of each issue.

"These are the stolen comics."

"Aw, shit - we never had the chance to hide those."

"So now we gotcha for breaking and entering and two counts of assault
with a Taser Gun - NOT TO MENTION it's illegal for a civilian to own one
in this state. How'd you get your grubby mitts on it in the first place?"

'Riddler' sighs and admits, "I slept with a cop once, and, well, you
know...."

All I could do was just snicker and shake my head, "Jesus Murphy".

By now, I'm standing next to "Batman", who's standing next to Eddie,
who's standing next to "Robin".

"So...you guys just want a little role play, eh?"

What's peculiar is that both Eddie and "Robin" are clutching their fists
at the same time, and Eddie growls, "Oh, let's give it to 'em, Boss. I'm
ready for a good-old-fashioned Bat-fight."

Then "Batman" intercedes, touching Eddie's shoulder and looking back and
forth between me and him,

"Please let us - if you wouldn't mind. The two of us have been wanting to
do this all night."

"Yeah, sure thing, be our guest. Me-n-Eddie will be over there out of
range if ya need us."

So the bat-fight begins - I stand with my arms folded, legs spread, and
Eddie stands at my right side, fist in hand, held up to his barrel chest,
legs spread-eagle. We're enjoying this - here's the play-by-play:

Batman throws the first punch, sending the Riddler reeling and falling
over...

"say, kiddo, that Bat-guy is pretty good."

...but his henchman sucker punches Batman from behind, only to be
counter-clocked by Robin as he punches him repeatedly...

"and Robin's not that bad, either"

Robin grabs the henchman and throws him across the room, sending him to
the nearest wall, at which me-n-Eddie happen to be standing. There's
enough room for him to land right between us. We just look down when he
crashes.

Eddie observes, "Gosh, that's gotta hurt."

"Ya think?"

Batman subdues the Riddler and Robin shouts, "slap on the bat-cuffs"

"I don't have any on me - they didn't come with the costume."

Eddie interjects, "Here, use ours."

I throw mine to Batman, Eddie throws his to Robin and the bad guys are
all locked up and ready to go. I call 911 and get the cops over here in
just a few minutes, then the four of us relax after a long night of
crimefighting. We sit chatting for a little bit.

"Boy", says Robin, "all I thought we were gonna do was just walk around
and pose for pictures all night. I never dreamed we'd actually go through
this."

"Ya know something", says Batman, "I got a real kick outta this. It was a
lot of fun."

"Maybe we oughta do this all the time."

"Wait, hold up there, guys", says Eddie, "now, this was all just a part
of role play. Do you think you'd be able to tackle the real villains out
there? Ones that use real guns?"

"Yeah, you don't wanna go out and get yourselves killed out there. You
guys are only actors, after all."

"Yeah, I guess you're right - I just got a little carried away."

"Hey", says Eddie, "We never got your real names, or even saw your
faces".

They remove their masks and reveal their true identities. Batman is
actually Greg Burton and Robin is really Dick Adams.

"Believe it or not, those are our real names."

"Yeah, we laughed a lot about that when we first got together."

"So, did you guys meet through this?"

"Oh, no, we knew each other before. See, we've been together for a couple
of years and had a real thing about Batman between us."

"Since we had that in common, we went out and got the suits, then we
heard about these conventions and stuff, so we went for it."

"It pays a pretty good buck, but we still have our normal day jobs."

"Hey, Dick, speaking of which, maybe we oughta get back there - we still
got some time."

"Holy AWOL< you're right - I hope they don't think we took off early."

"Never you boys mind. We still have our tickets and we'll be glad to go
back with you and explain the whole thing."

"Gosh, that'd be swell!"

"Well, what are we waiting for? TO THE BAT-CONVENTION!"

And we were off - the rest of the night was a real blast. The convention
organizers understood the whole thing and we were even publicly
acknowledged for rescuing Batman and Robin and bringing them back safely.

A job well done.

EDDIE - Holy post-script - Steve and Scott were released from the
hospital the next day and we went back to the convention with them. They
got away with just a couple of bruises, lucky guys. We wanted to give
them back their stolen merchandise and they wanted to see the convention,
at least for one day anyway. They even got to meet Dick and Greg.

After everything was all over that night, me-n-Mike went back home,
thoroughly trashed - it was a pretty long weekend, but a lot of fun.

"Ya know somethin', Boss? I know we've been through this a million times,
but no matter how long we've been at this, it still warms my heart as
much as ever to have been able to save the day. I hope I'll always feel
this way."

Mike kisses me and says, "that's why I love you with all my heart, but
I'm kinda gettin' a warm feelin' somewhere else."

He walks over to the closet and takes our costumes out - a huge smile
comes across my face.

"Ya wanna have a little fun? It's our turn now."

"GOSH! YES!"