Date: Tue, 12 Feb 2008 21:13:33 +0000 From: Steve Thomas <stevethomas535@hotmail.com> Subject: Dilemma for Tony, Ch. 27 Dilemma for Tony This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be all that pure! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it -- please stop here. If not, --ENJOY! Cast of characters: Tony diMarco -- yeah -- I am he!(CA) Ben Hastings -- First love(Maui) Ben Fisk -- (+4 years) Lucas diMarco -- my dad Wendy diMarco -- my mom. Joseph -- my Brother -- 17 Levi -- my brother - 15 Fred Stumpf -- 31 year old inactive member. Johnnie Weinberg -- LDS Missionary Rollin James -- Hawaiian High diver & government translator (+2) Grandpa Antonio DiMarco Grandma Rose From Ch. 26: "Ben -- you're the reason I am so -- um -- fine -- with things as they have turned out." I told Ben over the phone. "OH! You mean -- oh -- never mind -- um yeah -- well, that'll give me a lot to think about, Tony. I may be a little sleepy when I arrive. I doubt after what you've said," his voice broke and he took a moment to gather himself. "I'll probably lose some sleep over that. THANKS A LOT!" He chuckled. "Well, I've already said too much. I want to tell you the rest when I see you." "I think I understand, Tony. I hope I understand." "Let me help you with that: I love you, Ben." "I was -- hoping you -- I mean -- yeah., me too, I mean -- yeah! I love you too - Tony!" "See you Friday!" "Bye!" We both turned off our phones as happy boys! Chapter 27 "So -- why am I sleeping so much, Doctor?" I asked. "Brain surgery doesn't usually take that much out of a person, Tony. Oh, there are usually headaches -- and that can cause a lot of stress related exhaustion. But you had -- and still have -- a secondary infection. One way your body fights infection is by elevating your body temperature -- to kill the invader. That's why we don't always try to lower a fever if it's not too high. "But when the fever is too high, it can cause permanent brain damage. That's why in your case we gave you both antibiotics -- for the infection -- and ibuprophen -- for the fever. It's sometimes like walking a tightrope. And the fever makes you sleepy too." "What is a secondary infection?" "It's something other than the invading substance -- in this case the lead from the bullet. It can come before, during or after the actual operation. That's why we do so much to minimize anything foreign getting it -- especially in the case of brain surgery. That's why we had to shave your head. But try as we may, very often something gets by our -- and your -- defenses. "Tony, I don't want to minimize your situation in any way. Besides the surgical trauma and the infection, the bullet itself did some messy damage. You are very lucky to be alive in the first place taking a bullet to the head." "I haven't been sleeping as much the last couple days." "That's probably a good sign. And you ARE making good progress. I expect to be releasing you sometime in the next week. But just because you'll be going home doesn't mean you're out of the forest yet. You will need to stay down, with very little exercise -- haha -- probably about as much as most kids get these days anyway -- what with being tied to their computers all the time! "That's not allowed at my house." I said, matter-of-factly. "Do you want me to write you a prescription for unlimited use of the internet?" The Doctor smiled. "I -- don't think that will be necessary." "And I don't want you being alone for any extended period of time -- for the next few weeks. If money were no object, staying in the hospital would be optimum. But for most that is not an option. Insurance doesn't pay for an extended stay -- as long as I would recommend." "Well, for my part -- I'm glad it doesn't! No offense, Doc, but I can't wait to get out of here!" "No offense taken, Tony. No one likes staying in the hospital very long. But Tony -- I want you to know -- the nurses have all loved having you here and I have looked forward to every visit with you. You -- and your family -- and your friend -- have brought a little sunshine to us all." I of course knew which friend he was referring to. He also told me how lucky I am to know Sister James. He left and I was alone for the first time that morning. Mom had gone out for some necessary stuff, and of course everyone else was either gone home or at work. Rollie was good about coming to see me, now that he was out of his guilt mode. I drifted off to sleep -- for how long I couldn't tell, but when I woke up, I opened my eyes and when they were used to the light streaming in the window I looked over and there was a sleeping form in the chair next to the bed. "Ben?" I said. He was instantly awake. "Oh, Tony! I wanted to be awake when you woke up!" "Shall I go back to sleep, then?" He popped up and kissed me -- on the lips. Then it dawned on me. "What -- er -- why are you here -- now? I thought you weren't coming until Friday." "I -- um -- sort of -- got fired." "You got fired!?" I exclaimed. "Why?" I said, but immediately didn't want to know the reason -- because I was sure I knew it. "It was more of a layoff. But I was the natural one selected, because I have taken off so much time in the last - " "Aw, Ben! I'm so sorry!" "I wouldn't have had it any other way." "Ben!" Said my mom, walking in. "What a nice surprise! We didn't expect you until Friday." "Yeah, well, funny thing about that." He said. He explained to her his story and she said, "This is like an answer to prayer." "Huh?" Both Ben and I said in unison. "The doctor told me that you will probably be released sometime in the next week. When I go back home -- when WE go back -- I was wracking my brain how I was going to be able to care for you -- as the doctor was explaining to me that you needed. Tony, you're going to have to have full time care for the next three to four weeks -- ay least. We'd do it somehow but your father and I have been wondering how we are going to pay the bills without my pay check." "Three to four weeks?" I exclaimed. At least, Sweetheart." My mom said sympathetically. "I think I'm getting sicker by the moment!" I said. "We would do it of course, but -- it would be so much easier if you could help us out Ben. You've been such a help here at the hospital, that - " "I think I'm starting to warm up to this idea!" I said. " -- that -- and I know I speak for both Jacob and myself -- if you could stay with us for awhile -- and take care of Tony -- maybe that would also - " "you're not the only one who gets prayers answered, Sister diMarco. Fred Stumpf and I have been sharing an apartment, but now he will probably be moving here -- and be staying with Rollie. And that leaves me with no room mate and no one to help out with the rent. And - - no job!" "Then it's settled! You can move your things in as soon as we get back!" Said Mom. Then, "Oh dear! That means Joseph and Levi will have to move back in together, so we'll have a room for you! Well, they'll just have to - " "Mom!" I said, giving her "the look". "Oh -- of course! If Ben is giving you constant care -- he'll want to be in your room. Well, we can more out the queen sized bed and move in the twin beds that are in Levi's - " "Mom!" I said, giving her a second "the look". "<<Sigh!>> Yeah -- your right, Tony. He'll be able to know your every need if he's closer to you." "Yeah, something like that." I said, sarcastically. Ben was looking between us and was red to the gills! "I'll leave you two boys to yourselves for a bit. I'm sure you have things to talk about." Said Mom. I'm sure my mom understands our relationship -- even if she seems to like "playing dumb" sometimes. I can't expect her to understand about the struggles that both Ben and I (and Rollie and Fred) have regarding our church beliefs and values -- and our sexuality. I don't even understand it myself. After she left the room, neither of us spoke for a moment. Finally, I said, "Well - - that was awkward." "I'm sure I'm gonna grow to love your parents. Mine - " and with that he stopped cold and his lips quivered a moment, then got tight, "mine are just so -- so - " He was red in the face by this time, I'm sure from a mixture of emotions. "Obtuse?" I said? "Perfect! That's a perfect word for them! They won't even TRY to understand or see anything from my perspective." He said with venom. "Then -- that's your out." I said. "Huh?" "That's your out. Every time you talk about them, you are so angry and so hurt. But if you really think obtuse is how they are, then it's easier to forgive them. They can't be responsible for something that they are not sharp enough to even consider. So you have to forgive them." "Shee-yit!" He almost spit out. "Ben!" I said. I'd never heard his cuss before. "Tony -- they kicked me out! I did everything I was supposed to do growing up. I was good in church. I went to early morning seminary all four years and graduated. I got my Duty to God Merit badge and got my Eagle Scout. I served my damned two year mission! Sorry -- but that's not fair. It was a great two years! And I'm not saying I did it for them. I did it for me! But it sure as hell was what they wanted. I wanted all of that -- for myself! You know what I DIDN'T want?" "Yeah. I know." I said quietly. "Yeah, it easy for you to be calm about it! Your parents didn't abandon you when you needed them the most." He had tears in his eyes now -- whether from anger or sorrow, I don't know. "Tony -- I didn't choose to be gay! Even after I admitted I was, and tried the things that the bishop suggested -- they still treated me like crap! That's why I moved out here -- to get as far away from them as I could!" He said, then, "No -- I'm not forgiving them. Until they apologize to me and act like they love me. Don't ask me to do that, Tony." He seemed to be refusing to even cry. "Okay." I said. "Huh?" He said, seeming almost disappointed that I agreed so easily. But I wasn't quite finished. "Your right, Ben. It IS easy for me to be calm about it. And I won't bug you about it after this, but I have to say something -- then I'll drop it forever -- unless it starts coming between us." I was sitting up on my bed and he was standing. I wanted his permission to continue. He looked hard at me -- almost as if trying to decide if he trusted me -- or not. "What!?" He spat out, looking disgusted. "You carry bitterness with you -- about this -- everywhere you go. And it can't help but affect every thought and relationship you have -- in some small or - - not so small -- way. You moved thousands of miles away from them and still -- they have your heart held hostage -- causing you to regularly feel bitterness and -- and hate, Ben. "What if they died -- say, in a plane crash?" I asked. "They would be dead, and not anywhere that you could get to them. And still they would be holding your heart hostage. I won't mention it again -- ever -- but try to see that you ALLOW them cause bitterness in your life -- and by extension -- in everyone else's you touch -- in some small way. "Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could stop loving them? You can't. But -- if you forgive them -- then you have at least done your part. If they never forgive you, you at least can feel peace. And - - the bitterness caused by your unforgiveness won't mess other parts of your life. Just think about it. And I promise -- this is the last I'll mention it." I was sure it would not be the last time he confronted it. Ben sat down on the chair, and closed his eyes, letting his head fall back on the headrest. "Just think about it, Ben. That's all I ask." He let go an explosive sigh and then nodded his head. I let my legs slip down to the floor and walked silently to him, touching his shoulder. He opened his eyes. He looked suddenly very tired. I extended my hand to him and he took my hand. I pulled him up, grimacing from the pain that caused in my head. I hugged him close and then, pulling my I.V. tower behind me, I pushed him back against the door. Once his back was against the door -- so no one could walk in on us -- I kissed him deeply. He kissed back. "I think I need you." He said. I grinned. "Oh, it feels great to be needed!" Someone tried to come in the door. It was a door which swings both ways, (does that make it a bisexual door?) and when it would not open in, it was opened out. By the time we were in view, we had broken our embrace. The nurse looked at us curiously. "Ben was just helping me take a walk. The doctor said I should do that to gain strength." Well?! That was true! "Yes, the doctor mentioned that to me too. I'm glad you're feeling up to walking." She changed a bag on my I.V. tower, and left. We both giggled softly, though it hurt my head a lot. Walking didn't help it much either! But it felt good to walk around the adult med department, partially supported by Ben. One somewhat older (than us!) male nurse looked a little covetous of us. By the time we got back, my mom was back, waiting in my room. She had a canister in her hands. I grimaced. "I know you never look forward to eating this soup that Sister James makes, but I think it is beneficial." Said my mom. "Rollie came by with it while you were out. The nurse told us you were out walking. How did that feel?" "Like a necessary evil." I said, carefully sitting back down on my bad. I lay back and closed my eyes. I felt a hand on my head. I had grown to recognize the difference in the heat of Ben's hand and coolness of my mom's. "You feel a little warm." Said Ben. "That's to be expected." said Mom, as she laid her hand on me. "Yes, a little warm, but he is still fighting an infection." Then she changed the subject. "Oh by the way -- that man that kidnapped you?" "Yes?" I said. She got my immediate attention. "He was judged not able to care for himself. He will be going to a care facility for the criminally insane." "Insane?!!" I said "He's not insane!" "Well, I don't suppose they have a facility for the criminally not-quite-smart-enough-to-survive-in-society." "I suppose not. Well, I'm glad he didn't go to prison." "Well, the two women that were the supposed master's assistants are put away for life." "And Walter -- the master himself -- is no longer in a position to hurt anyone either!" I said. "He's dead, isn't he?" Said Ben. "Yes." It wasn't a lie. He's dead as far as this world is concerned. I went home in the middle of the next week. Ben moved his few things into our house, and of course the most important part for me was - Ben moved Ben into Tony's bedroom. Fred came over to see us and it was awkward for Ben and Fred. Fred told us that he was having some major pre-separation trauma, having planned to move to Honolulu with Rollie. When he moved in with Ben, it was hard even then, but moving in with Rollie - that far away from his parents was harder. 100 miles from Honolulu to Kahului doesn't seem that far, but it's not as if you can jump in the car and drive it in a couple hours. We were able to soften the blow a little by reminding him that Rollie would help him get over his anxiety. He said an almost woeful good bye to us -- he was leaving the very next day -- and with hugs and kisses, he was out the door apprehensive about a new chapter in his life. Of course Ben and I thought that our new chapter was going to be Nirvana. When Dad got home from work, that first day, he came to my bedroom to talk to us. We had just taken our shirts off to get more comfortable. I was topless and Ben had his temple garment on. I got a look at Ben and myself in the mirror on the back of my door, just before my dad knocked and came in. I had seen myself in the mirror that was in my bathroom at the hospital, but somehow -- back in my own environment -- and with Ben next to me -- I was momentarily appalled. Ben and I are about the same height, but I had lost a lot of weight and with the bandage on my head, I looked like a refugee from eastern Europe. "Ben, when Tony's mother invited you to stay with us, she didn't consult me." Said my dad. That got our attention. Both Ben and I looked at dad, not knowing what to expect. Ben had a dreaded look on his face. That was quickly abated. "I'm in agreement with her decision, but I just thought we should set down some house rules. You're both old enough to make your own choices regarding your lifestyle or anything else, but -- while under this roof, we have to maintain some order." "Sure, Dad." I said, soberly. Ben nodded. "Both of your brothers are at a very impressionable time in their lives. You may have heard that the average male thinks about sex every 52 seconds. Well, for teenagers you can about double that. So I will ask you -- both being not too much older than teens yourselves -- to be careful and discreet. We don't need an overload of those thoughts for either of your brothers. Levi has just recently decided he wants to serve a mission, and Joseph is getting ready for his. "And I understand that we maybe have you to thank for Levi's recent decision. That's good. But it doesn't relieve you of your responsibility to keep helping him in that direction, and not to distract him with too much sexual overload." "I think we can do that, Dad. I can remember what it were like to be a teen." "Yeah," my dad said, "It was just like yesterday. Wait a minute! It WAS yesterday1! And believe it or not -- I can remember those times too: times of popping boners at the most inopportune times!" We all laughed at that -- because it was true! "Anyway -- can I count on you guys to be careful and - - quiet?" "Yeah Dad" "Yes, Brother DiMarco." Said Ben, his red face toward the floor. I sensed his tenseness, and decided to say something else. "Dad -- why are you and mom so nice about -- about -- me and -" "You and Ben?" ""No, I mean yes, but -- why are you so cool with me being gay?" "Believe me, I had to deal with that issue -- and it wasn't easy. First was the denial. Then the guilt. And finally - the acceptance of it." "Wow!" I said. "That was exactly my progression! But why did you feel guilty, Dad?" I asked. "Oh -- you know! We're Mormons! We got all the best traits from the Catholics and the Jews!" "Huh?" "We have all the guilt of the Catholics and Jews put together, and in our church, both the men AND the women are Jewish mothers!" "Meaning - - ?" "Meaning I searched my brain to figure out what I did -- or didn't do -- to make you gay." "Dad, that's ridiculous! You didn't make me gay!" "That's not a proven fact. But the important thing is about the same as whether you chose it or not. It doesn't matter. What is - - is! If I did something to contribute to your dilemma, I surely didn't do it on purpose. Whether you were born this way or not -- doesn't matter. What seems to be more and more evident is that it cannot be changed or if it was caused, it can't be reversed. That doesn't change our love for you." Ben was very silent -- noticeably silent. We both looked over at him and of course he was deep in his own thoughts as he was also listening to us. "Are you okay, Ben?" "Yeah" he almost croaked. He turned and coughed. "What's wrong, something go down the wrong tube?" Dad said, concerned. Dad put his hand gently on Ben's shoulder, and said, "You sure?" starting to walk around so he could look into Ben's face. Ben did another quick about face and ran for the door, but he stopped. "I -- I -- can't believe that you are so -- so - " Ben said, as he started to gather himself together enough to continue. "I -- I -- g-guess this is what parents are supposed to act like." He said hoarsely. Dad put his arm around Ben and said, "What's wrong Ben? Don't your parents -- understand?" "I don't think anyone understands -- in Idaho. My parents just kicked me out -- soon after I returned from my mission." "Were you sent home?" Asked Dad, quickly adding, "Even that shouldn't make them act like that. Are you telling me they kicked you out because - " "Because I told them that I was attracted to a couple of my companions. We never did anything. And it wasn't as if we didn't have the opportunity. One of them felt about the same for me! But -- we just couldn't do that while we were serving the Lord!" Dad took Ben's hand and gently pushed him down on the bed, then sat next to him, with his arm around his shoulders. I scooted back on the bed to give them room. I saw Dad's face. He looked like he was in agony too. Ben continued. "I told my bishop and he told me that if I had done anything, of course I'd have been sent home -- just as if I had done anything like that with a girl. But I didn't! He told me that if I had these feelings, I should not follow them." Ben swallowed hard and gritted his teeth before continuing, "Brother DiMarco -- I've tried! But then my parents kicked me out -- just because I had feelings for guys." With that, Ben's body stiffened up and his mouth went rigid. He was straining so hard, not to cry. "When did you come over here?" My dad asked gently. "As soon as I was kicked out." Ben said, glad to have the subject take a different direction. "I always wanted to come to Hawaii. I had some money left in my mission account. Everyone said to go to Maui." "Well -- We're glad you did, Ben." Dad said and pulled his closer. Ben shook his head, as if trying to shake off a bug, and grimaced hard. "It's okay Ben. You're safe here." Dad said gently. "I -- know -- I am. That's what makes it hard -- I mean -- not hard -- but -- I mean - " "I think we know what you mean. You're a good kid -- er -- man, Ben. It sounds like you've done your best. And I imagine that your father probably also feels guilt -- even though he'd also probably deny it. I understand all men feel that they have failed their sons when -- when they -- fail at almost anything. But this -- this is too big for some dad's to handle. Ben, I have felt some -- or a lot -- of hurt -- from you, but also a lot of anger. This can't be good for you. You just have to find a way to let it go." Ben looked hard at me. I think he was trying to determine if I put my dad up to this. "Yeah -- that's what Tony says. Just forgive him -- that's all!" Said Ben bitterly. "No not JUST forgive him. It's not that easy. Usually it's almost the hardest kind of forgiveness -- forgiving those who are unrepentant -- especially when they are close to you. "Tell me about it!" "The only type that is harder is forgiving yourself." Mom walked by the door. "Time to eat!" she said, but then when she saw us she added, "But no hurry -- it can wait." "That kind of forgiveness is a very hard process, Ben. Sometimes it actually involves forgiving yourself - - first." Ben was obviously caught off guard. He again started to shake, his mouth getting rigid, as he tried to control his emotions. "It's okay, Ben. It's okay -- really." Dad reassured him again. I got up painfully, limped over and closed the bedroom door. After a moment of obvious inner struggle, Ben said, "I know it's okay - - with you. And it's easy -- well -- easier -- for you -- to be `okay' with my -- my -- hassles." I know he wanted to change the subject, but Dad pressed on. "How do you feel -- for example -- about wearing your temple garments -- now?" This undid Ben. He started to shake again and this time he closed his eyes tightly, and then, clenching his teeth, he yelled, "Dad! I -- I -- haven't done anything to -- to -- have to take them off!" Ben started sobbing, then realized what he had said. "I mean - - Bro -- brother -- Brother diMarco! No, I mean -- I mean -- I was -- was -- my dad said -- I mean - " "Did your dad ask you to take them off?" Dad said gently. "No, he didn't ask me. He didn't even just tell me. He demanded it. I told him that I never had done anything! Even the bishop didn't ask me to do that!" Dad quickly looked at me, as if to confirm -- if Ben and I had -- done anything. I couldn't count the kiss that we foolishly had done a few weeks before. And what we had done earlier, he had -- I think -- already put behind him -- as he tried again to be active in the Young Adult Ward. What, if anything he had done with Johnnie -- or Fred -- I didn't know about so could not assume. All these things passed through my head before I raised my eyebrows and shook my head no. Dad looked surprised. "Well, I'm surely not in a position to tell you what to do, but -- I would say this much. Don't let your rebellion against your dad influence your decision. Don't let him keep controlling you, Ben." Ben finally cracked. "I HATE him! Why won't he leave me alone!?" He seemed almost to be fighting dad to get away, while at the same time clinging to him. "When was the last time you talked to your dad?" Asked my dad, still calm, but clearly, concerned. "Not since they -- he -- kicked me out." "But -- he has emailed -- or -- sent you letters?" said Dad. "NO!" exclaimed Ben. "Why can't I let him go?" He started to sob and turned on my dad, wrapping himself around him, and crying on his shoulder." "Because -- part of you needs to hold on to him. You can't really let him go until you forgive him. "But if he won't listen to me -- if he won't forgive - " "He may not -- ever -- do those things, Ben. But in the meanwhile he gets to influence nearly every part of your life -- whether he knows it or not. It's up to you to take back control of your life -- from him." Ben pulled away from Dad, then looked between us and with a chagrinned smile said, "Well, I suppose I should thank -- the doctors diMarco." "It won't be easy, Ben." Said Dad. "But any time you want to talk -- I'm available. Time for dinner. Wash your hands," then looking at Ben he added, "and your face." After dinner, with a lot of joking and fun stuff with my brothers, we had our Monday family night, and everyone did as much as they could to make Ben a part of the family. My brothers were oblivious to what went on earlier. All they knew was there was this very cool RM (returned-missionary) staying with us - - who just happened to be gay. (Ahem! ANOTHER very cool RM!) When we went to bed, Ben asked if he could borrow a pajama bottom. He removed his temple garments and carefully folded them and put them in the back one of the drawers that I gave to him. I didn't comment. We fondled and kissed before going to sleep. We couldn't easily do much more in my condition. I wanted so much to get him off -- at least with my hand -- but that too was too strenuous for me. He sucked on me, but when it started to get intense I stopped him. My pending orgasm was causing my head to almost burst. If he ever got off, I don't know. If he did, he kept it from me. Whether or not my dad noticed that Ben was not wearing his G's, (temple garments) I don't know. I suppose he did, but it was never again mentioned. Time heals all wounds, they say, and indeed my wound was healing quicker than the doctor expected. We used my weekly doctor appointments as good excuses to go stay in Honolulu with Rollie and Fred. Rollie had been able to give Fred something no one else could -- a feeling of stability in his life. While I was still recuperating, Aaron turned 16 and started driving and - dating -- girls. They were only group dates, but he was proud that -- even though he was short, he could get girls to go out with him. He dated nothing but LDS girls, and never dated one girl two times in a row. He dated them again later, but just not two dates in a row. His goal was always to date someone else in between. He didn't want to get too attached to any one girl before his mission. In a moment alone with my little brother, "So, Aaron -- little brother -- how do you like dating?" "It's okay." "Only okay?" I said. I thought back to when I was dating girls. That's exactly how I felt! "Oh, you know -- or -- er -- maybe you DON'T know!" he grinned, and turned red. "You're probably right. What don't I know?" I asked, conspiratorially. "Well, - um -- we can date girls, but we can't get too close to them -- you know?" He said, but then not waiting he went on. "I mean that's probably a good thing. Gosh, Tony, I'd die if a girl ever got close enough to me to -- to -- I mean - " he turned redder and stopped. The six years between us seemed like a wide gulf sometimes. "Are -- you -- talking about - - wood?" I asked. "Huh?" he said, as if he'd never heard the word. "Wood! You know -- do you get -- a boner -- sometimes?" I almost held my breath for him to answer. "Sometimes?" He exclaimed. He involuntarily pushed it down, and when he saw me notice, he turned redder yet. "Tony! It's all the time! I mean - " I grinned and laughed. "Yeah -- I see that all you have to be doing is talking about gets a rise out of you -- or rather out of your pants!" "Well!??" He said, and laughed too, part out of nervousness and part because my laugh gave him permission to. He straightened and adjusted himself again and laughed some more. This fuckin' thing -- I mean -- sorry -- you know -- it has a mind of it's own!" "I do know, Big Aaron. Believe me, I do know!" He loves it when I call him "Big Aaron". Because it acknowledges that he isn't a boy any more (though he really IS!) and also because it acknowledges what part of him really IS big! "Did you have that problem?" He asked. "Not quite. Of course I dated girls all the time. But it never gave me a woody." Aaron giggled when I said that. He's still not used to discussing things like that with his oldest brother. ""Believe me; I got hard plenty, when I didn't want to. I was terrified -- at first -- that I'd get a boner in the locker room showers -- with the other guys! I never did." "You know Duane Harvey?" Said Aaron. "Well, he was a frosh when I was a senior. Big, mean guy, as I remember. Kind of a bully. I guess he must have been a junior when you went to high school." "Yeah. I was playing on the Bee team. We all practiced at the same time and -- sometimes together. But once, in the shower, he popped a boner! All the guys started to laugh and point. He got pissed off and yelled, `What the fuck are you all lookin' at?!' "Everyone looked away and no one dared mention it again -- at least not while he could hear it. I did hear one of the seniors -- who was easily bigger than Duane -- call him boner-boy, once. Duane looked like he wanted to kill him. He looked around to see if anyone heard it. I was quick enough to look away before he could se me smirking." "Good thing!" I said, laughing. "Tony - - ?" He said, obviously now wanting to ask me something that was bothering him. "Yeah?" "I -- gotta -- I mean I want to -- um -- ask you -- um something. I mean -- I just can't ask dad!" "What's that, Aaron?" "Please don't laugh at me." "I promise -- I won't -- even if I feel like it!" I couldn't resist. He frowned. "Tony -- I -- wanna talk to you about -- um -- you know -- um -- masturbation." My inner smile was bursting to get out, but I controlled it. "O -- okay, Bud. What's up?" "Tony -- you can't ever tell Joe I said anything -- ever!" "Okay -- I won't." "Well, I don't think he hears me, but I do hear him -- sometimes -- at night. His headboard taps the wall or something, so I know he's doin' it too." "Uh-huh." I said. "Tony -- especially after a date -- I GOTTA do it. And I feel so -- so -- guilty! But I know that Joe does it too. I don't know what to do. Whenever I think I have it under control -- and decide to leave it be -- for one night -- I can hear him goin' at it. I even went and peeked in his room once." "And how did that make you feel?" I asked. "Huh?" "Did you LIKE watching your brother jack-off?" "No! I mean -- I -- guess -- it makes me feel not so bad, but -- I wanted to believe that he doesn't do that. I know I feel bad after I do it!" "Aaron, they tell us not to do it -- in church -- in priesthood -- you know?" "I know! That's why I feel so guilty about it!" "Let me tell you a story. There was this kid, Tom, who lived out in the sticks. He didn't get to go to church very often, because he had to work a lot with his father on the farm -- even on Sundays. But he loved going to church when he could and when he was 16, he was asked to have a personal priesthood interview with the bishop. The bishop asked him a lot of questions -- because he didn't know Tom well. Finally the bishop came to that question we have been discussing. `Tom, let me ask you -- do you know what masturbation is, Tom?' `Yessir.' Tom answered. `And -- do you have any problem with masturbation, Tom?' `Problem?' said Tom. `Why NO bishop - - I LIKE it! -- quite a lot!'" Aaron looked at me for a few seconds and when he saw me grinning, he burst out laughing as only my little brother can. "Aaron, they tell us not to do it -- because it is so easy to get addicted to it -- especially for boys who aren't sexually active -- like Mormon boys getting ready for their missions. But I don't believe that God wants us to spoil our lives over worrying about it. Just don't let it rule your life -- that's all." "Does -- does -- everyone do it?" He said. "Well, as I understand 95% of men admit to it." "Oh. The other 5% must be catholic priests, huh?" he said seriously. "Oh no!" I said seriously. "The other 5% LIE about it!" Again, Aaron looked at me seriously. "So that -- makes -- are you saying 100% - " I couldn't stand it, I laughed and said, "That's about it, Bro." Then he laughed. "Um -- sometimes I do it before I go out -- so maybe I won't get a boner later on." "Um-hm. How's that working out?" I said, smirking. "Not as well as I expected." "Big Aaron -- I love you Little brother!" "Tony -- maybe you could talk to Joe too." "You don't want me to tell him that you know about him - ?" "No!! But if it's bothering me -- he only has a year `til his mission. It' must be really bothering him!" I waited until one night late, after I heard Joey go to bed after a date. Everyone else had already gone to bed. I quietly slipped the pass key in his door knob and turned it, then "innocently" barged in on him. There was enough light in the room to easily see what he was doing. "Hey Joey! I was wondering if you could - " I stopped and stared, my mouth wide open. Of course I was acting. I felt badly for him, really. His covers were down and everything was in full sight. He just about climbed the wall trying to cover for himself. Then when he realized it was futile -- and that I saw and understood what I saw and understood, he turned toward the wall and said, obviously very hoarsely, "What do you want?" He was a couple years older than Aaron and I guess I didn't expect him to be as much more mature as he was. "I -- was -- gonna talk to you about -- I mean - but now -- maybe we ought to talk about something else, Joey?" "Maybe we ought to mind our own business!" He said angrily. "What was it that was so damned important that you -- wait a minute! I thought I locked that door!" He looked like he was gonna come after me for a moment. And he could have broken my neck if he wanted. It took everything in me to remain calm. I felt panicked, but I was sure he could not see that. I really had nothing else to talk about, and he was now calling my bluff. "Um -- no -- I -- think maybe -- I should go back to bed and -- look, Joey -- I'm sorry." I started to leave and just kind of threw it over my shoulder as I left, "You know -- it's not so bad -- what you were doing." I closed his door and as I was almost to my own bedroom door, "Tony." Came his whisper. I turned and he almost ran to me. I braced for a blow. He stopped short. "Whaddaya mean?" We went back to his room and I basically had the same talk with Joe as I had with Aaron. He ended up hugging me. Talking about it -- just as it had with Aaron, made us both hard. When he felt my wood and -- knew I must have felt his, he giggled. "Gosh you scared the hell out of me!" he said, picking me up, but being careful not to hurt me. "I love you Tony!" He said, pecking me on the cheek. "Now go back to bed, so I can finish what I started!" We both laughed again. Notes: Brothers! Man I'm glad I had some! Comments are always welcome, to Steve at stevethomas535@ hotmail.com. Thanks and - love, Steve