Date: Thu, 21 Feb 2008 21:07:48 +0000
From: Steve Thomas <stevethomas535@hotmail.com>
Subject: Dilemma for Tony, Ch. 28

Dilemma for Tony This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's
feelings,beliefs, and in some cases, experience.  Come to think of it -- it
mightnot be all that pure! There may be graphic sexual encounters at
timesbetween men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat.  If
youare too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this
kindif story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here.  If not, -
-ENJOY!  Cast of characters:

Tony diMarco -- yeah -- I am he!
(CA) Ben Hastings -- First love
(Maui) Ben Fisk -- (+4 years)
Lucas diMarco -- my dad
Wendy diMarco -- my mom.
Joseph -- my Brother -- 17
Levi -- my brother - 15
Fred Stumpf -- 31 year old inactive member.
Johnnie Weinberg -- LDS Missionary
Rollin James -- Hawaiian High diver & government translator (+2)
Grandpa Antonio DiMarco
Grandma Rose

From Ch. 27:

"Um -- no -- I -- think maybe -- I should go back to bed and -- look, Joey
-- I'm sorry."  I started to leave and just kind of threw it over my
shoulder as I left, "You know -- it's not so bad -- what you were doing."

I closed his door and as I was almost to my own bedroom door, "Tony."  Came
his whisper.

I turned and he almost ran to me.  I braced for a blow.  He stopped short.
"Whaddaya mean?"

We went back to his room and I basically had the same talk with Joe as I
had with Aaron.  He ended up hugging me.  Talking about it -- just as it
had with Aaron, made us both hard.  When he felt my wood and -- knew I must
have felt his, he giggled.  "Gosh you scared the hell out of me!"  he said,
picking me up, but being careful not to hurt me.  "I love you Tony!"  He
said, pecking me on the cheek.  "Now go back to bed, so I can finish what I
started!"  We both laughed again.

Chapter 28

I was so horny after coaching both my brothers about the "Evils of
Masturbation"!  I had been afraid of an orgasm and how my head would handle
it.  I got into bed and was debating about jacking off quietly -- or
whether I should even do it with Ben sleeping next to me and -- whether it
may wake him up.

"You awake?  He said drowsily.

"Yeah."

"Where you been?"

"I was talking to Joe."

"Must have been important."  He mused, possibly angling for an explanation.

"Yeah, it was.  But now that I'm finished, I am so horny!"  I whined.

"Oh.  Did you want me to -- take care of that for you -- maybe -- stroke it
for you?"

"I -- I think that -- I want to at least try."

"You want to do it yourself?"  He pouted.  "I'll be gentle."

"I didn't mean that.  I meant -- I want to see if it will hurt me too much.
Just be ready to stop -- just in case -- you know?"  I sounded more fearful
than I realized I was.

"I'll start slow."

He slowly started to stroke my hardwood flesh.  I was sweating bullets --
not from heat -- or even from pain.  I was more than a little worried what
might happen.  I was about to stop him and say that we could wait for
later, when I felt it start to rise.  My whole body was like a cocked
trigger.  I was quivering from head to toe. And then he kissed me and it
started.

I stifled a moan, so as not to make too much noise.  Ben softly stroked my
face as he continued kissing and jacking me.  I want this so bad!  Just
before my thick jizzum sprang from the end of my dick, Ben quickly moved
down and surrounded it with his mouth.  All he did was suck -- no bobbing.
He seemed to sense what I needed.

It wasn't as if I had weeks of stuff stored up inside me.  As it poured
into Ben's mouth, I felt it as lumpy and like tapioca.  I was familiar with
the feeling, because that's what I have been expelling into the toilet when
I had to strain while on the toilet.  It came out very think and lumpy.  I
even asked the doctor and he said that was not unheard of.  It felt good on
the toilet.  It felt great here in this venue.  My head WAS hurting --
badly -- but it was worth it.

"Ben," I said when we were finished, "Ben!  You didn't have to do that."

"Oh, Tony -- Tony!  Omigosh!  I'm sorry, I'm sorry.  Was it too much?"  I
guess my face was still grimacing from the pain.

"Oh, Ben -- I needed that so bad!"

"But -- it hurt?  Did I do it too -- um -- to - "

"I have to say, I didn't expect that last part.  It hurt like the devil,
but it was perfect.  Ben, it was so awesome.  I think that your mouth was
so much nicer than your hand.  And at the end when you just sucked - - no
hand could duplicate that!  I know it's better if you bob, but not now --
not on me now!  I wanna do you now.  I want - "

"Oh-ho-ho NO!  I won't allow it."

"But you just - "

"Tony, I'm staying here to make you well - - not worse!"

"So -- what do you do, whack it off when we are not together?"  I said.
"I'm not a dummy!  I know how it works.  I got horny just telling my
brothers about masturbation.  If I had to do what you did - "

"That's what you were telling your brothers about?  Masturbation?  At their
age -- they've never jacked off?"

"No -- of course they have.  I was telling them about not letting it rule
your life and also not to let is ruin your life because of guilt.  You know
-- the `everyone does it' talk?"

"Oh -- yeah.  That was one I didn't get until in the mission field.  My dad
never told me and the bishop didn't tell us either.  But my mission
president told us -- that's for sure.  He didn't want a bunch of guys
ridden with guilt that would prevent the Spirit from working through them."

"Yeah, so anyway -- if I had just done what you did, my balls would be as
blue as the ocean!  So -- we gotta take care of that."

"I said, `no'.  There's no way I'm gonna let you - "

"Look -- you can do it to yourself!"

"What?!  No way.  I'm not jacking off right in front of you!"

"I won't see you.  I'll close my eyes -- while I kiss you."

"You wanna kiss me while I jack off?"  He said, looking like he was warming
up to the idea.

I kissed him and placed his hand on his dick.  He kissed me back and his
hand didn't move.  I started it moving then let it go.  It seemed to move
all by itself after that.  He started out slowly and as he grew in speed, I
moved from his mouth to his neck.  He moaned a little and picked up some
speed

I lapped at his arm pits and pulled the hair there with my teeth.  When I
nuzzled my nose into his pit, he let out a loud gasp.  I was half on top of
him by now and he had to work harder to reach his dick, but he managed it.
I started to kiss and suck on his chest.  When I teased his nipple with me
teeth, he again moaned loudly, then started to pant.

"You coming already?"  I marveled."

"No -- no -- I -- I -- just -- you know -- it's all I can - - stand."

"Oh, I bet you can stand a lot more."  I giggled.  I wet my finger and
teased his anus, while I was licking his navel.  I was just about to his
light treasure trail, when he shot his first load on my face.  I was able
to quickly close the gap before he knew what was happening and started a
bob-less sucking while he unloaded in my mouth.  He grabbed my head and
squeezed it a little too fast and hard, but I'll never tell him that.  It
really hurt a lot.  But that fact's going to my grave with me!

At the end his hips were thrusting without his wanting them to.  He forced
them to stop.

I came back up to his face.  He laughed at me when he saw my cum-laden face
and the cum that was dripping from my mouth.  "You look like a real
cum-slut!"

"I think I am one!"  I giggled.  I swallowed and then kissed him again on
the lips.  We were mingling our cum laden saliva when I fell asleep.  I
felt him gently move me aside and then he spooned me.  Then the dream
started.

"Oh Ben -- Ben," I said.  "I never want to do that with anyone but you."  I
closed my eyes.  We didn't do it in my dream, but we had just finished with
our first shower fuck.  When I opened my eyes, it was not my Ben, but Ben
Hastings, who had just fucked me in the shower at that condo at Ka'anapali.
It seemed so real.  I saw the detail of his face and body and the love in
his eyes.

Then the dream changed scenes and I was talking to him, telling him I
couldn't come to California.  I could hear the supreme hurt in his voice as
he told me that I have to do what's right for me.  It was like I was still
sitting on my bed where I was when I told him.  I hung up the phone and
felt a welling up in my chest.  I got up and walked over and locked my
door.  For what reason I don't know.  No one else was home.  I started to
wail like a hurt child.

"Tony -- Tony."  Ben said, as he gently squeezed me.  I was still on top of
him.  "That must have been a bad dream!  You're okay Tony.  You're here
with me.

I looked at my sweet Ben.  I considered what he had been through.  He'd
been on a mission -- as I had.  He'd been faithful to a tee -- as I had --
during his mission.  In the semi-light I could not see the tiny lines on
his face -- premature aging lines -- caused probably by the stress his
parents have put him through.  I got a lump in my throat as I considered
that my parents -- will very likely become his and -- my dad, his dad.

"I know I'm here with you, Ben, and I thank God for that!"  I said.

"Tony, I don't know what happened between you and Rollie, and I don't even
hope to replace him in your life - - yet.  But I hope that I can and --
that I will.  If the circumstances were not as they are, I probably would
not be here -- in your bed -- telling you this.  I'd be looking for a place
to stay, that's for sure.  I love Fred to pieces, but it could never work
for us."

"And if I hadn't been shot, you wouldn't have had the opportunity to show
me what you were really made of -- which, as far as I can see - - is pure
gold!"

"But who knows why the universe delivers things up to us?"  He said.
"Maybe this is just a passing thing.  Maybe - "

"Maybe it's playing out just exactly like it's supposed to."  I said.  I
lay my head down on his chest.  I could feel his heart beating against my
pulsing temple.  Some times he seems all of the 4 years he has on me -- and
sometimes I feel older than him.  Right now he feels - - just right.

"You feel so good up on top of me, Tony.  You are gonna have to put on a
few pounds though.  I'll bet your down to about 150 pounds."

"Yeah, Sister James says that my resistance is down when I'm so skinny."

"Rollie's pretty skinny!"  Said Ben.

"Yeah, but that's just the ways he's built.  Sister James is too.  But
you'll notice that Fred is built more like a swimmer -- sleek, like a
dolphin.  Nothing close to skinny!"

"You noticed that too, huh?"  He chuckled.  I reserved the right to NOT
tell him I had done more than notice it!

After the next couple of weeks, I was walking a lot -- with the help of a
cane.  The doctor said I'd probably get my equilibrium back in time.  It
took a few falls to convince me to use the cane.  My headaches are neither
as bad nor as often.  Only about once a day and half of those are self
inflicted -- well, self with a little help from Ben.  It was totally worth
the pain!

It was so easy when I went to that ultimate level with Ben Hastings.  It
seemed like the most natural thing in the world to let him take my anal
virginity in that shower at the Weston Ka'anapali.  I wondered if maybe I
gave it up too easily.  I wasn't his very first, but he wasn't very
experienced either.  When I compare him with my Ben -- Fisk -- they are
like black and white.  Well, okay, maybe dark gray and light gray -- or
something.

I loved -- well, I have to admit -- love Ben Hastings -- still.  I can't
completely get him out of my mind or my dreams.  But My Ben is such a
sweet, sweet guy.  And I love him too -- I think.  He took such good care
of me while I was in the hospital and now since I have been home.  Mom and
dad seem to think of him almost as a son and Aaron and Joe Are like family
to him too.  I'd do anything for him.  And he already proved he'd do
anything for me.

But -- what's this hesitation I am feeling?  I've known him going on ten
months.  I guess we've only officially been together -- um -- or are we
even officially together?  I'd feel like a fool to have to ask him.  But --
is that necessary?  Do we have to put it into words?  Do I love him?  I do!
Have I told him?  Not exactly -- not in any serious way -- other than like
I'd say I love you to Mom, Dad or my brothers.

When I started being able to take more care of myself, Ben did get a job.
Being four years older than I am, he actually has gotten a degree from the
university, but jobs are not easy to find here, so he was set to start work
again in a fast food place, but then he heard from our home teacher about
this other job.  He interviewed and landed a sweet job as an accountant for
a tax firm.

 I received a couple more priesthood blessings, and rather than stand in on
them, as he had in the hospital when there was no one else -- he opted to
watch and let Dad and the Home teacher do it.  No one said anything, but
everyone knew it was because we had gone past a certain point in our
relationship -- where it would be better to let someone else do it.

A home teacher is someone who is assigned to visit our family each month.
It is the way The Church watches over the flock.  Since the bishop and all
the other leadership in The Church have regular jobs, and don't get paid by
the church, this is one of the ways that we accomplish what other ministers
get paid for.

Our home teacher is a close friend to my dad, so he knows our family well.
We don't really talk about it but he also knows that Ben and I are probably
more than just friends.  I pretty sure Ben feels that way. I'm trying to
convince myself.

"So, Tony," my dad said, knowing that I was deep in my stuff, "what is it
that you wanted to talk to me about?"

"About Ben and me."  I said, and then -- after asking my dad for some alone
time to ask him something important -- I couldn't say anything.

"You're wondering when it's time to take your relationship to the next
level?"

"Sort of but - "

I guess it will be difficult, not knowing what level you're presently
operating.  AND Tony, I'm as apprehensive about you telling me as you are
to say it!"

"Somehow I doubt that!"  I thought.  "I hadn't thought about that."  I
said.  "But -- up to this point -- physically we are like boyfriend and
boyfriend.  I guess it's not that different than a guy and girl who are
dating.  They exploring each other and trying to put off having -- well --
sex -- until they are sure."

Dad looked surprised.  "You -- haven't been -- having sex?"

"N-not a-all the way."

Dad looked thoughtful for a moment, then kind of grimaced.  I didn't have
to use too much imagination to come up with what he was imagining in his
mind.  "So -- you've not gone all the way -- yet, but - - well, you have
done other things?"  I nodded gravely.  Dad closed his eyes.  "I don't
think I want to hear what you have done.  And it's probably not important.
So your wondering -- when is the right time to - "

"Dad -- what I really wanted to ask you is -- How do you know when you're
in love?"

"That's an interesting question."

"I guess what I'm afraid of is -- I think he loves me -- well, I KNOW he
does and -- I love him too.  But I am worried that I don't feel the same
love for him as he feels for me."

"You see?  That's exactly what's so hard about the question.  I'm not sure
any two people feel exactly the same toward each other.  I am ashamed to
say it but -- I think your mother has always loved me more than I could
love anyone."  He got a faraway look in his eyes and also a look that told
me he wished I hadn't asked.

"And I am sure of this much: based on how much I love your mother today --
I couldn't have even loved her at all -- when we got married -- in
comparison.  Heh!  You want a comparison?  You mother pursued me!  It was
like they have said, I chased her until she caught me!  Now compare that to
Ben.  He's pretty much done the same with you.  He has loved you from the
beginning.

"Does that mean that you should plan to spend your life with him?  No one
can answer that but you -- the two of you.  Some would tell you that you
are so young.  And -- you are!  Well, Ben's 26, but you're only 22, Tony.
Is that old enough to get -- get -- well, you know that I married your
mother when I was 20!  And she was your age."

"Boy, that worked out well, huh?"  I quipped.

"It has!  But believe me when I tell you -- lots of people told us that we
were both crazy.  Many of them are divorced now!  That's why I can't tell
you how you feel.  I'm not you."

"But how'd you do it?"  I asked.

"I thought it was a 50/50 relationship.  But your mother gave 100% of
herself to me.  I like to think that's what I do now, but I'll never be
able to keep up with your mom.  I know she seems kind of dense sometimes,
but she's got that part of life sewn up.

"So -- what should I do?"  I asked.

"Do what you did with Ben Hastings?"

"Huh?"  I was so surprised he thought about Ben Hastings!

"You gave him your all.  I blame myself somewhat for that.  You needed him
at that time -- and it was a natural thing to give yourself to him 100% -
because you weren't getting what you needed at home.  I was a butt about
that. I shouldn't have reacted so strongly when you and he were having - "

"We weren't having anything -- at all -- until you kicked me out."

"I know that -- now.  I jumped to a huge bad conclusion.  So you gave 100%
to Ben Hastings, and even though he may have been the aggressor - "

"Dad!"  I objected mildly.

"I said MAY have -- anyway, you wowed him with your attention and
neediness.  As I remember, he was probably already in love with that other
guy who didn't admit he was gay."

"Something like that."  It still hurt me to think of it.

"So anyway, when he was gone and you had more space to think, you got
scared and - "

"I freaked out and broke up with him!"  I said, almost in agony.

"And you're still punishing yourself for that, Tony.  You shouldn't be!
Something in you told you that it wasn't right.  You thought it was your
faith in God, your guilt - - and your belief that made you feel that way.
But if you HAD gone to California, I'll bet that other guy eventually may
have created havoc in both your's and Ben's life.  You did the right thing,
as much as it hurt and -- well, obviously, he got over it very fast."

"I know.  I'm not even sure I have forgiven him for that."

"But -- maybe you can -- now -- and let him go."

"Is that all there is to it?  Then I can give myself to Ben -- MY Ben?"

"You make it sound easy.  It won't be.  But the way to begin is to start
giving yourself 100% to Ben -- now. The very fact that you just called him
`MY Ben' should tell you something."

"It -- huh?  Oh!  I DID didn't I?"

"And Tony - - don't expect 100% back from him.  In the first place, your
100% may look different than his 100%.  And - - don't be too disappointed
-- when either of you screws up.  Because you both will.  That's something
that I KNOW is gonna be the same as in any relationship."

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Do -- I mean - " I choked up for a moment.  Dad waited until I was ready
to continue.  "You talk as if you -- you -- love Ben -- too."

"Why shouldn't we all love Ben?  Look what he's done -- and been -- to you.
And his maturity helps a lot too."

I took that to imply something about my own immaturity.  I'm only 23 (Hey
-- almost!) so I'm okay with that.  If a guy can mature between 23 and 27
-- as much as he does between 18 and 23 -- then I guess I'm lucky that Ben
will even deal with me -- and my petty crap!

My dad continued, "Tony, I have to tell you -- with an apology -- I guess I
assumed too much.  I think that there are certain stereotypes about gays
that -- though most stereotypes have their basis in truth -- don't seem to
fit with what I have come to understand about my own son."  He stopped to
let me digest that.

"That's a mouthful."  I said, grinning.

"I guess I want to say that I'm sorry that I assumed that you were sleeping
with all the guys that you have dated.  I mean having sex with them.  Isn't
that what most gays do?"  He said.

"I -- really -- don't know, Dad.  I haven't been much into that scene.
I've heard the same stories.  I just ignore them because -- they don't
really apply to me.  I dunno -- maybe it's harder being gay and being a
Mormon -- or really any Christian sect that - believes as our churches do
about us -- I mean gays.  Dad, I believe in most of what the church
teaches.  I like the people there.  But I do feel uncomfortable sometimes.
Having someone like Ben makes it easier -- or will -- maybe -- I hope."

"Does that mean you are going to -- what do they call it -- `come out' or
something -- at church?"  He asked.

"I doubt it.  I would rather just let people think what they will think --
for now.  Some will assume that Ben and I are gay.  And like you just told
me -- they will probably assume that we are doing everything that they
assume gays do.  But that's only a few.  And -- if we keep coming to church
-- people will start to wonder why Tony and Ben never date.  Let them
figure it out themselves.  Will that bother you -- Dad?"

"Hmm.  I hadn't really thought about it that way.  I did notice that after
my last talk with Ben, he had removed his garments.  I -- guess -- that's a
good thing.  If that makes him feel better."

"I did it a long time ago."

"I noticed that too.  I suppose that added to my wrong assumptions."

"Dad -- if we do stay together -- Ben and me -- we definitely will be -- um
-- doing all those things -- or many of them -- that you hear about.  I did
it with Ben Hastings.  So I know that sometime, it will just be what we
have to do."

"I assume you're talking about anal sex."  Dad said, - without as much as
even wrinkling his nose!

"Um -- yeah."  I felt weird talking about this with my dad.  I guess he saw
my discomfort.

"You know it's not only gays that do that."

"Huh?"

"Husbands and wives do it too.  Sometimes because there is something
actually physically wrong with the women and she can't use her vagina in
that way.  And sometimes, women just do it because they know their husbands
want it.  It wouldn't be my choice -- and it definitely would not be your
mother's!  But I know how good I feel when I can bring pleasure to your
mom.  So I can understand why a woman might like to please her husband --
in that way -- even if it makes her uncomfortable."

I was red as a beet, hearing Dad talk that way about my mom, and also --
just the subject.  So it surprised even me when I blurted out, "It really
can feel good -- if you can relax and enjoy it."

"Really?"  Said Dad."

"Well, I don't know about women, but men have their prostate close to
there.  And when it is um -- massaged -- it feels good -- well actually
great!"

"You know -- I think I can understand that!  When I have to have the doctor
check up there -- specifically when he checks my prostate for
irregularities -- it DOES feel good.  I mean it's always a little
embarrassing -- but maybe that's what makes it embarrassing.  You're not
supposed to get pleasure from another guy doing that!"  Dad was actually
grinning by this time.  "So it's not really all that unpleasant?'

"My only experience was with Ben Hastings.  And it was only a couple of
times, but -- I can't remember anything negative -- at all."

I wasn't about to tell him that Ben Fisk is a lot smaller than Ben Hastings
-- in THAT category!  Just what that might mean -- I couldn't guess.  I
just hope he doesn't ask me exactly what we HAVE done.  I know that Dad is
curious about that.  But -- I don't wanna go there.  Thankfully that was
the end of the conversation.

"You're almost 23 -- Ben is 27 (isn't he?) so you will have to do what you
do.  I think I have heard enough -- more than most fathers want to know --
I'll gamble!"

"What're you gambling on, Dad?"

Dad turned and was surprised to see Ben standing at the door.  He looked
momentarily pleased that Ben had called him `Dad', but his look changed to
concern.  "You're home early, Ben.  Is everything okay at the office?"

"Yeah.  But everyone with keys had to go elsewhere, and I'm too new to lock
up -- so everyone else was sent home.  What are you gambling on?"  Asked
Ben.  Then, "Or maybe I'm being too nosy!"

"Tony and I were just discussing your situation -- together.  I was telling
Tony -- I think you'll do just fine!"

With that Dad walked out and left us alone.  Then he turned and said, "Your
mother and I were planning to take the boys out for pizza.  You two wanna
come too?"

My answer was immediate.  "Naw!  I'm kind of tired.  Ben you can still go
if you want."  I said.

"Thanks -- Mr. -- erm -- Dad!"  Said Ben.  "But I think I'd rather stay
home with Tony."

"That's good.  You two don't get enough time alone together."  Said Dad,
walking away.

"Your dad - "

"OUR dad!"  I exclaimed.

"Dad -- is -- more than I imagined any dad to be."  Said Ben.  Then
changing the subject, "I went by the university after I left work."

"Uh huh."  I said.  "Planning on some post grad work?"

"Nope!  But I talked to my old counselor.  She says that you might be able
to come back part time."

"I never went to the University.  I was going to MCC before my first
abduction.  I was planning to go to HCC over there in Honolulu.  But you
know what?"

"What?"

"I'm seriously thinking about BYU extension courses."

"Yeah a lot of people do that. I was just thinking that you maybe shouldn't
wait too long.  It's hard to get back into it after taking an extended
break."

I was a little annoyed that Ben was trying to pressure me -- if that's the
word -- to go back to school.  But I know he's right.  "Yeah, I've already
written to the `Y'."  I said.

"Oh really?  You never mentioned it to me."

Should I have?

"What kind of classes are you planning to take?"

"General Ed at first.  I still have some simple stuff to get out of the
way."

"What are your plans?  What do you want to eventually take?"

I felt guilty that I was feeling -- intimidated and -- not a little put off
-- by his pressuring me.  The truth is -- I don't know what I want to take.
I guess my silence was a little too loud.

"Hey, it's okay.  I was just curious." Said Ben, a little subdued.

I shrugged.  It WASN'T okay.  I felt a little irritated that he asked and
yet I didn't quite know why.  It seems like a natural thing to want to
know.

"Sorry, Ben.  But -- like I told my dad -- I'm kind of tired."  That was
true, and this line of questioning was making me more tired.  And to make
things worse, it seemed obviously not as okay with Ben as he tried to let
on.  He said -- finally -- I can go get some pizza for us if you want."

"NO!"  I exclaimed way too loud.  "I mean -- um -- don't leave me.  I just
-- need you to be here -- with me -- right now." All of a sudden I felt
almost panicky.  It was part of my -- healing process - part that I hated
the most.

Ben completely changed his countenance. He stepped closer.

"Close the door, please?"  I said.  He did and came back to me and as soon
as he wrapped his arms around me, I collapsed in his arms."

"You -- okay?"  He asked.

"I hate this!"  I whispered.  I couldn't trust my self to say it out loud.

We heard the back door close, and my parents and brothers all laughing
about something, heading toward the car.  He just held me until we heard
their car leave the driveway.  "I'll just go see what's in the fridge."  He
said.

"No!"  I said again almost scaring myself with the intensity of it.  I
pulled him down on top of me and then started to shake.

"Tony -- what's - "

"Just hold me -- please?"

He slip down beside me and did as I asked -- for about 15 minutes.  Then I
started to kiss his neck.  He responded almost immediately with wood
pressing into my thigh.  He in turn kissed my tears away.  "It's gonna be
okay, Tony -- it really is."  He crooned.  I kissed him hard and deep on
the mouth, and he kissed me back.  My own boner was by now struggling to
get free.

I reached between us and undid my shorts fly.  He did the same, and slid
all of our bottom clothing down and off the bed.  I told him then begged
him -- "I'm ready, Ben."  I said.  I couldn't help thinking of my other Ben
and our first time.  If that didn't hurt, then this Ben -- smaller by far
-- would not hurt.

"You're r-ready -- for - ?"  He said, like he was not quite sure he wanted
to understand.

"Yeah.  I want you in me.  Completely inside -- all of you."

Ben held me very tight and very still.  "I -- I -- I'm not sure -- Tony --
I don't think I'm ready for this."

I felt supreme disappointment -- a disappointment that seemingly coursed
through every fiber in me.  "O -- okay.  If you're not ready then -- then
-- I guess it's not time."  I said.  I felt my wood going soft.  I felt
Ben's remorse at disappointing me.  I felt him moving off me gently as I
slipped into a fitful sleep.  I heard the door open and close.  I could
sense the room getting darker.  It was as if I were asleep and yet not
asleep.

I felt like I went back in time -- back at the beach in Laei -- across the
highway from the Temple.  I watched as Ben Hastings -- kissed his old
friend/new beau, Al.  I knew it was a dream, but I felt the same deep
sadness that I felt when it happened for real.  Everyone applauded and they
turned and grinned out at the onlookers.  But it was not Al there.  It was
me!

I felt my heart jump, and the feeling of elation was equally as supreme as
the sadness of a moment before.  Then the `me' standing by Ben, left Ben's
side and ran down past where I was standing.  He (I?) looked directly into
my eyes and suddenly it was Al again and he looked scared and sad and wild,
as he ran past me and dove into the surf -- and never came back up.

I again felt a deep sadness, as I looked at the agony on Ben's face.  He
never once looked at me.  I started to cry.

"Tony -- Tony!  Wake up!  You're having a dream -- a nightmare!"  said my
sweet Ben.  He was kneeling beside the bed, and he was stroking my head as
he had done so much of when I was in the hospital.  "What was so sad in
your dream, Tony?  It seemed like your heart was breaking."

"I -- I -- don't remember."  Could I tell him that I was crying because I
was sad for my other Ben?  No way!  Why would I have such a sad dream?

Ben again crawled in to the bed and held me.  "I fixed some mac-and-cheese,
Baby."  He said.  He never called me that before, but I decided I liked it.
"You want some?"

I nodded and he gently led me to the kitchen.  We were finishing off the
dinner when my family came home.  "You boys are very quiet.  Is everything
okay?"  Said my mom.  I bobbed my head up and down smiling weakly.

"Tony had a nightmare."  Said Ben.  Dad looked at me.

I shook my head no -- but just barely -- enough that he got it. "Please
don't press it further".

Friday morning came early -- probably because I couldn't sleep well after
that disturbing dream.  I got up and ate some breakfast with Ben and Dad
and my brothers.  After they all left for school and work, I went to my
computer -- to see what classed I should take online from the "Y".  Mom
came in to tell me that she had some errands to run.  There was a knock at
the door about 9:15.

I waited for Mom to get it but she didn't -- I had forgotten she was gone.
I put a robe around me and opened the door to see the back of a guy walking
away.  He looked familiar.  "Can I help you?"  I said.  He turned.  He
looked young, but his face was covered with a thick beard. And his hair was
long -- over his shoulders.

"Tony?"  He said almost pensively.

"Yes?"  I said.  He looked so familiar, but - -

Then he walked closer and I looked into the eyes of ... Ben Hastings!  My
heart stopped.

Notes: Comments welcome to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com.  Thanks and
love, Steve