Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2000 09:20:46 GMT
From: Arvind Kannan <akannan50@hotmail.com>
Subject: Falling in Love

Disclaimer:

This is a story about homosexuality, same sex relationships. Though this
story does not depict any sexual acts, if you are bothered about the topic
itself please do not read.
The story here is true , names have been changed to protect identity.
If you like the story you can email me at akannan50@hotmail.com


Being gay had never been easy , especially from the country I originate. Not
to mean that it's easy elsewhere in the world; but it is just more difficult
here in India. More people in the closet than elsewhere, lack of places for
gays to hang out, lack of   support groups in the background of a huge
social pressure. In fact more people remain in the closet and get married in
the later part of their years  because of  pressures from home.

Some religions believe that same sex relationships is the roadway to hell. I
can just say that all that is horse shit. To me a relationship is to care
and love someone.  I know there are so many husbands and wives who cheat on
each other and are unfaithful to each other. All I believe is that you
should love your partner  and care for him. And the most beautiful thing to
happen in this world is to fall in love...

I never had second thoughts about being  gay, I just knew I was. I always
felt kind of more comfortable with men , not to mention of course the
physical attraction. But I always felt it was just more than the chemistry.
It was just not the sex, but to hang out and be with someone whom I would
like to spend the rest of my life. To spend all my life with him, to care
for him and love him with all my soul.

I have in my life felt like that towards only one person. And I am not sure
whether I will feel the same way towards someone else.  Maybe time will
tell.  The beauty of it is that it worked only way. My love for him was
different from the way he looked at me. I was gay, and he was straight.

It all happened when I joined this new company two years back. I met Amby on
my first day at work. It was not love at first sight. He was attractive ,
early 20's.  Sure I did find him 'hot' but it was not love then, just the
kind of feeling most guys feel when they see a cute guy -  just drag him in
bed somehow...

But my kind of  thoughts have been different. I have always wanted to have
my first sex with a guy whom I love and care for. And of course he should
feel the same way towards me. And I was ready to wait all my life for that
momment.

As time went by I got to spend more time with Amby. We were like working
together in the same assignement and that real  helped me to get him know
better. We became very good friends in just a matter of  weeks, though I
never told him I was gay. I realized he was straight from the way he used to
look at  girls ,  but it never bothered me  at that point of  time.

But  as I spent more time with him-  sometimes late nights at work I began
to realize that there was something more . I first started to like him and I
used to get these feelings of always having him by my side.  I  first
thought it was the kind of feelings you have for a true friend, but I began
to realize that this was different.

First I was attratced to him sexually. Second I wanted to always by my
side.  I liked the way he spoke, the way he smiled, how he would help me
with my problems.  I liked the character in him, and his just being around
would like feel I am in heaven. Now clearly these were not signs of
friendship, it was clearly something more.

That night when I drove home I realized I had fallen in love with Amby. Deep
inside me I knew it would never work as Amby was straight. I knew I had to
forget him but then that was clearly impossible. I parked the car on the
side and relaxed. I looked at the stars above.  It was a beautiful  night.
There were so many stars.  At least I was not alone.  Just like the
magnitude of stars in the sky, there were so many men in the world. Why him?
I thought. But I just could not help feeling the same way towards someone
else.

I know it sounds crazy, but that's how it was. That's how love is.  I went
home and jerked thinking about him and how wonderful we would be
together...to sleep in his arms and to make love to him all night.

As the days went by the feelings just got more intense. The work also made
me stay and work more with him, and that just added fuel to the fire. The
more I tried to get him off my mind, the more I started to love him. At
times I wish I would just tell him how I felt towards him...but I knew that
would be the end . I wanted this to go on..I just wanted to spend time with
him . ...

This was the first time I had fallen in love. I had been sexually attracted
to a number of guys, but this was different. I knew it from within. There
was something more than the chemistry. I loved him so much that I could do
anything for him.  I knew deep in my heart that this was one way traffic- I
knew he was straight. But i just could not let it go...

Well all went well until one day. He started to date a girl who would work
with us. He would come and tell me all the fun he had with her and that's
when all the pain really started. I knew this was to happen, but soemhow I
could never  accept it. And things just got worse when he would talk about
her all the time.

Well that's  it I thought. What's  the use of  feeling this way towards
someone who does not feel the same way back towards you.  Not that I blame
him for it..but then that's the way he is. He is not gay and that's it. I
had to accept it.  We were never going to be together.

I felt miserable for a few days and the pain would never go. Though we would
still work together a lot it was not the same. He would keep talking about
her , and I would keep feeling miserable. I could not talk about this with
anyone as no one knew I was gay. The pain just kept building inside, and I
just could not accept him for what he was.

And then it happened . He told me he was getting married.

I felt shattered. I knew this would come, but it is different when it
strikes in reality. I knew this was the end . At first there were feelings
of anger , but then I realized something. I loved Amby. And if I loved him
truly I would feel happy for him . Though I may not be able to get him off
my mind, I had to be happy for him.  Life had to move on...

That night it was a clear night.  I cried like a baby, but then I had to get
off my emotions.  I knew that this day would come. I should not have let my
heart to him. But is it something in our control?  Love just happens...