Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 18:59:56 -0800 (PST)
From: Mickey S <njmcmick@yahoo.com>
Subject: Full Circle

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please leave. The author retains all rights.  No reproductions or links to
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appreciated at NJMcMick@yahoo.com.

************************************************************************

"Hey little buddy, how's it hangin'?"

My heart nearly stopped at the sound of the voice on the phone. It had been
years but he sounded as if we had just talked yesterday.

"Matt! You tryin' to give me a heart attack? How are you? Where are you? Is
everything all right?"

"Everything's cool, dude. I'm still out here in la-la land. It's so good to
hear your voice again. How's everything with you?"

"I'm gettin' by. You know me."

"Yeah, I do. How long has it been, Steve?"

"Fourteen years, nine months and three weeks give or take a day."

"I should have known you'd know exactly." His voice got softer, so quiet I
could barely hear him. "I'm sorry I never called."

"You said you wouldn't in your letter. You never lied to me."

"Never to you, but to everyone else."

"So you're really okay? How're Sandy and the kids?"

"Everybody's fine. Look, the reason I called is that I'm catching the
red-eye tonight and I'll be in Jersey in the morning. I'd like to see
you. I know it's last minute, but can you make some time for me?"

"Abso-fuckin-lutely. I can't believe Sandy is letting you come out here by
yourself."

"She doesn't know yet. I'm going to call her from LAX just before I get on
the plane."

"Chicken!"

"Damn straight." He chuckled.

"Yeah, damn straight." I didn't laugh.

"Uh, look, I can't stay on the phone. I've got to get ready. Can I call you
when I get there tomorrow? What time would be good for you?"

"I'll be home after five, but let me give you my cell phone number so you
can call when you get in." I recited my cell number and repeated it. "Say,
how'd you get my home number anyway?"

"You think I ever lost track of you, buddy? I've always known exactly where
you were. Tomorrow, babe."

I stood there looking at the dead phone in my hand. What the fuck was going
on in his life that he would call me after all these years? I hung up the
phone and checked the time. Jase wasn't due for another hour so poured
myself a glass of wine and went into the living room. I found some quiet
music on the radio and sat down, sipped my wine, stared into the empty
fireplace and lost myself in thoughts of Matt. I knew I thought of him too
much and usually cut myself off after a few minutes, but I had a right to
indulge myself now. He'd called.

                         ----------------------------------------------------------

Matt and I had grown up next door to each another. He had a head start
since he was just over three years older than me. Our parents had been
neighbors since before I was born, so I never remembered him not being
around. He had two older sisters and I was an only child, so we thought of
ourselves as brothers. In spite of the difference in our ages, we were
close. He seemed to like taking care of me. Maybe he just liked the way I
worshipped him. Whatever, he didn't mind hanging around with a younger kid,
even when we got to be teenagers. He was so popular in high school and had
everything going for him. He was gorgeous, of course. Six foot one,
athletic, blond hair, blue eyes. And he had brains and brawn. He was in the
honor society and was quarterback of the football team. He went to parties
every weekend and had tons of friends, but he always had time for me.

I was a late bloomer and shy, several inches shorter than him, thin to the
point of being skinny, mousy brown hair, brown eyes, and glasses. I had a
few friends in my class but they were nerds like me. Matt never seemed to
notice that I wasn't just like him, though. He always acted as if the only
reason I wasn't hanging out with his friends and going to all the parties
was my age. He told me all about the parties and his dates. He always had a
girlfriend or two. I think he liked that no matter what personal stuff he
confided in me, he knew it would stay with me. He told me everything, his
secrets, his hopes and dreams, everything. He knew he could trust me. I
shared everything with him as well, with one big exception.

Sometime around puberty, I realized I was gay. If there was ever anyone I
could tell, it would be Matt, but I was afraid. He was my brother, my
friend, my idol. And he was so obviously straight. I mean, he was fucking
girls when he was fourteen. I knew the first time because he told me the
next day. It wasn't like he was gossiping or bragging the way teenage guys
do; he was sharing. He needed to talk about it and I was there for
him. Anyway, I couldn't tell him I was gay. I couldn't take a chance on
losing the most important person in my life.

Our relationship jumped to a new level at the beginning of my freshman year
of high school. My mother was in Massachusetts helping to take care of her
sister, who had just given birth to twins by caesarean, so it was just Dad
and me at home. And then Dad got called away on an unexpected business
trip. He arranged for me to stay with Matt's family while he was
gone. Mrs. Jackson was in the middle of redecorating their guest room, so I
slept in Matt's room. He and I had had sleepovers when we were lots
younger, but once he got to high school the difference in our ages became
more obvious and we stopped. He had a double bed in his room and it had
always seemed huge to me when I was little, but now that we'd both grown up
a lot, him more than me, it was suddenly pretty small. The first night I
was dreading bedtime. I knew I'd have trouble sleeping so close to him. Of
course I was fully dressed in my pajamas. Next to him I had a puny body and
I was more than a little embarrassed about it. Besides, I knew I'd probably
be hard all night so I wanted to cover up as much as I could. It didn't
help that all he wore to bed were boxers.

I did manage to fall asleep and was shocked when I woke up in the morning
and he was spooning me from behind. He had his arms around me and was
pressed against my back. My dick was so hard it hurt but he didn't know
that. I was completely aware that he was hard, though, because his huge
dick was pressed against my butt.

"Mornin', little buddy. Sleep good?"

"Um, yeah, better than I thought I would. Lemme go, though. I've gotta
pee." He released me and I got out of bed. As soon as I turned toward the
bathroom it became obvious I was hard, as my erection was tenting out my
pajamas. I dropped my hands in front to try to hide it and Matt laughed.

"It's just a morning woodie, Steve, nothing to be embarrassed about. All
guys wake up with them. See?"

He threw back the covers and leapt out of bed. His big dick was making a
much bigger tent than mine but he grabbed his shorts at the waistband,
pulled them down and stepped out of them, leaving him standing there naked
with a throbbing dick that was so much bigger than mine. I was pretty proud
of my five-and-a-half incher, but his must have been a couple of inches
longer and much thicker. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen and
I couldn't take my eyes off it.

"Okay, I gave you a free show. Your turn."

I must have looked as terrified as I felt because he laughed
reassuringly. "Go ahead, Steve. You've been naked in the locker room with
lots of guys. It's no big deal. We're buddies, right?"

I knew he wasn't going to let me wimp out so I slowly I pulled my pj top
over my head and then turned away from him as I dropped my drawers.

"You've got a cute ass, Stevie, but let's see the family jewels. Turn
around."

I did as he asked. I was sure I was beet red from head to toe. Even when I
noticed some precum dripping from the head of his cock I was still
embarrassed, and even more turned on. I thought my dick was going to break
off it was so hard. Matt shocked me by walking across the room to me and
taking my prick in his hand and giving it a couple of strokes. Then he
reached lower and took my balls in his hand and rolled them around a
little. I was having trouble breathing and thought I might pass out.

"Nice smooth balls and nice manly rod. You're growing up, little buddy."

I wrenched my eyes off his dripping manhood as he grabbed mine again. I let
my eyes roam up his smooth stomach and muscled chest, noticing his nipples
standing out. Then I raised my head and looked into his beautiful eyes. He
smiled at me as he squeezed the head of my dick once. Without any warning,
I came, shooting all over Matt's abdomen and crotch. In the year since I'd
learned to masturbate I'd never come that much. It just flooded out of
me. I was totally lost in my orgasm but when I finally came down I was
horrified at what I'd done.

"Oh gosh, Matt, I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me. I'm not usually
that sensitive."

"Don't worry about it, man. That was one healthy load you shot. Nothin'
wrong with your equipment. Now you'd better get into the bathroom before
you have another accident. And I think I need a shower now."

He gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze as I turned toward the
bathroom. He followed along behind me, giving my butt a little pat just
before he got into the shower. Even though I'd just come I was still hard
so it took a while before I could pee. As soon as I was done I ran back
into the bedroom and got dressed before Matt could finish his shower. Every
minute I was more embarrassed about what had happened. Matt seemed to take
it all in stride, but then I was trying to hide the fact that I was gay and
he had nothing to hide. Cumming in your best friend's hand wasn't a cool
thing to do. I must have looked as scared as I felt, because when he came
into the room wearing only a towel around his waist he came over to me and
gave me a hug, as he had hundreds of times before.

"Take it easy, buddy. It's cool."

I started shaking and put my arms around him. "I really am sorry, Matt."

"Nothing to be sorry about."

And that was it. He acted as if nothing unusual had gone down between us as
he got ready for school. He gave me a ride in his Mustang as usual, but we
parted when we got to school. We'd usually pass each other in the halls a
couple of times a day but other than that I didn't see him again until he
gave me a ride back to his house. Looking back I know it must have seemed
weird, a popular high school senior spending so much time with a geeky
freshman, but no one ever said anything to either of us about it. I think
maybe Matt made it clear to his friends how important I was to him and that
I was under his protection, so everyone left me alone.

It was Friday, so after having dinner with his family, Matt went upstairs
to get ready for a party. I went next door to do some schoolwork at home
and watch some TV. I figured Matt's parents might be babysitting me while
mine were away but that didn't mean I had to be underfoot all the time. I
went back just before bedtime and went to sleep alone in Matt's bed. I woke
up as he got into bed sometime after midnight. I could smell beer on his
breath as he slid up alongside me.

"Sorry, buddy, didn't mean to wake you."

"I was still up," I lied.

"Have fun tonight?"

"Yeah, sure," I lied again. It's not that I had a bad time, just the usual
boring lonely time.

I had been lying on my side with my back to Matt, since I'd sprung wood the
second he got into bed. Not that he could tell in the dark under the covers
anyway, but I was still embarrassed thinking about the scene that
morning. He turned onto his side and spooned me, wrapping his arms around
me like they'd been when we woke up in the morning.

"I've had blue balls all day, buddy," he whispered in my ear. "It started
when you shot that load all over me this morning, and then Sandy and I were
making out all night at Brad's party. I knew she wasn't gonna put out or
even blow me. We haven't gone that far yet. She's a good girl, y'know. I
was hoping I could talk her into a hand job when I took her home but no
dice. How about helping me out?"

Oh my god, was he really asking me to jerk him off? Could I do that? I
mean, I wanted nothing more than to hold his beautiful dick in my hand, but
I didn't want him to know that. But, even though it had only taken three
seconds, what he'd done to me that morning could actually be considered a
hand job, so why shouldn't I return the favor?

"You want me to give you a hand job, Matt?"

"Um, yeah, if that's all you want to do." He got even quieter and I was
having trouble hearing him even though he was whispering right into my
ear. "Actually, what's given me blue balls all day was the sight of your
hot little ass this morning. Do you think maybe I could fuck you?"

I nearly stopped breathing. I'd been fantasizing about Matt since I started
jerking off, at first thinking about being on my knees sucking him, but
then after hearing some guys at school talking about butt fucking, being
under him and letting him make love to me. I never dreamed it might
actually happen and couldn't believe he was asking me to do it. I wasn't
sure I could physically handle it but I knew I wanted to try. I didn't want
to seem too eager, though.

"I don't know, Matt. I want to help you out but wouldn't that hurt?"

"I'd go real slow and be as gentle as I could. C'mon guy, help me out." He
was practically begging. I wouldn't be giving myself away if I reluctantly
gave in to what he wanted, would I?

"Okay, you can try, but if it hurts too much you have to stop."

He moved around behind me and in a minute he spread my cheeks a bit and I
felt a cold touch on my pucker. He rubbed a finger around a little and it
felt very slick.

"Just applying some lotion to make it easier, Steve."

He slowly worked a finger into my tight hole. It felt uncomfortable but not
bad. He played with me a while, just sliding it in and out until it felt
better, then slipped another one in. He repeated that one more time and
with the third finger I was feeling really stretched. He kept gently
twisting and poking until I felt a little better, then took his fingers
away. A few seconds later I felt a large blunt object pressing against my
stretched asshole.

"Uh, shouldn't we be using a rubber, Matt?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot, hang on a second." He moved around again and I heard
the sound of the package being torn open then felt him pressing against me
again. "Breathe deep and try to relax."

Yeah, easier said than done. He gave a push and his head popped into me,
accompanied by incredible pain. I instinctively pushed back, trying to
force him out. Instead, he slid in further and the pain let up a little. It
still hurt like hell but I didn't want him to know. I wanted him to fuck me
and I didn't care how much it hurt, This was probably going to be my one
and only chance and I wasn't going to turn it down. Matt's dick slowly slid
all the way into me until he was pressed tight against my back. He had his
arms around me and with his left hand he started playing with my right
nipple. I was shocked when he grabbed my dick in his right hand. I'd gone
soft when he entered me but feeling his hands on me brought life back into
my prick. When he felt me hardening up, he realized the pain had lessened,
so he started to pump in and out of me, very slowly.

"Oh man, you are so tight," he groaned. "I've never felt anything like
this."

I hadn't either. The pain was just about gone by then and he was hitting
some spot inside me that was sending electric jolts all though my
body. Between that and the hand on my dick I knew I wouldn't hold out very
long. Matt must have been getting off on it just as much because his
thrusts into me became faster and harder, until suddenly he froze and I
felt his dick throbbing in my hole. I wrapped my hand around his on my cock
and pumped a few times. That's all it took to put me over the edge and I
shot another huge load onto the sheet in front of me. He hugged me tight
and kissed me on the back of the neck as we both came down from our
high. Finally he pulled back and his dick slipped out of me. He took off
the condom and went into the bathroom, disposing of it while he got a towel
to clean us up. Afterward, we lay on our sides facing each other.

"I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"Just a little at first but then it got better."

"And you're okay with this? I didn't mean to force you and make you feel
like you had to do it."

"No, it was actually good, Matt. There was a spot inside me you kept
hitting that felt great, so I actually liked it."

He was quiet for a minute, then looked into my eyes.

"Look Steve, I'm not gay like you are, but please know that I love you and
always will."

I didn't know which astonished me more, that he said I was gay or that he
loved me.

"You know?"

"Of course I do. I know you, little buddy. I've probably known you were gay
as long as you have. If you're okay with it, I'm okay with it."

A surge of relief welled up in me. "I love you, too, Steve."

He smiled at me. "Yeah, but maybe in a slightly different way. Just
remember what I said and don't get carried away. The last thing I'd ever
want to do is hurt you."

                         ----------------------------------------------------------------

My trip down memory lane was interrupted by the doorbell. I jumped up,
nearly spilling the last few drops of my wine, turned on a few lights and
went to the door. I opened it to a hot blond teenage stud.

"Looks like you've been thinking about me," he grinned as he pointed to the
bulge in my khakis.

"Oh, you think you're the only one who gives me a hardon? No ego problem
with you, huh?"

"I'd better be the only one giving you hardons, tonight anyway. We have a
date and tonight you're all mine."

Jase came in and closed the door behind him. I took him in my arms and
pulled him into a tight embrace, kissing him passionately. He was so hot
and so masculine. I found it hard to believe when I was wrapped around him
like this that he was only eighteen and not very experienced. Maybe it was
his youthful enthusiasm, but he was an animal in bed. And he turned me into
one as well.

He pulled back and smiled into my eyes. "I missed you so much, Steve."

'Missed me? You spent the night last night. It's been less than twelve
hours since you left."

"Not today. Well, yeah, today, too. But I meant last week when I went home
for spring break. It was torture being without you for that long."

I'd been a bit surprised myself how much I missed him while he was
away. We'd only been dating for a little over a month and due to the
difference in our ages I hadn't been taking the relationship, if you could
call it that, too seriously. I'd been having a lot of fun fucking this
hunky surfer boy from southern California. Not that that was all we did. We
actually went out on dates -- dinner, movies, a couple of parties, an
occasional night of dancing at a club. He was a freshman at Princeton, just
a few miles down the road, and I'd graduated about a dozen years before, so
we had a little in common there. Sometimes we'd just hang out on campus, or
across Nassau Street in town. He was an awful lot of fun in bed, but he was
surprisingly good company out of bed for a kid his age. Of course,
sometimes it was hard to get him out of bed, but who was I to complain?

"So what do you want to do tonight, Jase?"

"I don't know, maybe watch a movie and then fuck ourselves into oblivion."

"Sounds like a plan. Why don't you pick one out and I'll get us something
to drink?"

I came back from the kitchen with a couple of glasses of soda and set them
down. He handed me a DVD. Mambo Italiano.

"You haven't seen this yet? I think it's been on cable."

"No, I've heard about it, though. It's a comedy, right?"

"Yeah, it's cute."

We got settled on the couch, with me holding Jase in my arms. Since he was
bigger it probably would have looked more logical the other way around, but
this worked fine for us. The film was a so-so comedy about a cute, young,
somewhat insecure guy whose closeted cop boyfriend dumps him and gets
married. It takes him the whole movie to get over it and deal with his not
very accepting Italian parents. The boyfriend reminded me of Matt, maybe
because I'd just spoken to him, and I ended up in a weird mood. The movie
seemed to have the same effect on Jase, although he'd been in a weird mood
since the day before when he got back from spring break. He was usually
full of energy and horny as hell, ready to jump my bones all the time. He
was still horny as hell, but both last night and tonight he seemed a bit
subdued.

"Is everything okay, Jase? Didn't you like the movie?"

"No, I liked it. There were some great lines and some funny scenes."

"Yeah, but I think they overdid the parents with their ethnicity and
unaccepting attitudes. It was a little stereotyped."

"Well, some parents are like that, I guess. I did like the movie,
though. It's just that I've got a lot on my mind."

"Anything you want to talk about?"

"Not yet. Maybe later. Right now the term 'fucking into oblivion' springs
to mind."

"Well, if you insist."

I took him by the hand and led him into the master bedroom, where I stood
him in the middle of the room and took my time in undressing him. This was
a little ritual we had, because I was always so impressed when I got him
naked. Yeah, he was young, but damn what a hunk. Six feet tall, broad
shoulders, a chiseled chest, impossibly tiny waist and narrow hips. And
that thick tube steak hanging between his legs. You'd think God would have
given him an ugly face to counterbalance all of that beauty, but he was
even more beautiful from the neck up. He had short light blond hair and
blues eyes, of course, and fine but masculine features. Every time I looked
at him standing there like that I wondered what he was doing with me.

Not that I was the scrawny little geek I had been in high school
anymore. I'd finally grown, though I topped out at five foot ten. And
twelve years of working out in the gym several days a week had given me a
body I was proud of. I'd replaced the glasses with contacts and found a
hairstyle that didn't make me look so mousy. By the time I was in college
my dick had grown another inch, making it a more than respectable
six-and-a-half inches. Even so, I didn't compare with Jase. He was just a
little bigger and more beautiful in every area. Plus I was thirty-four,
nearly sixteen years older than him.

"I still don't understand what you see in an old man like me, Jase," I said
as he took over and undressed me. "You could have your pick of any stud on
campus."

"I think you're a stud. I told you before, I'm into older men. Guys my age
don't so anything for me. When I'm with you I feel secure, comfortable."

"Yeah, comfortable, like a worn-out old bathrobe."

He leaned in to me and licked the edge of my ear, then whispered, "Nah,
comfortable, like your hot, thick, hard salami firmly planted in my love
tunnel."

"Hmm, now that you mention it, I find that pretty comfortable myself."

We fell onto the bed in each other's arms and made out for a while, tongue
wrestling while we ground our bodies together. I finally pressed him flat
on his back and gave him a tongue bath from head to toe, stopping and
paying extra attention to those parts I'd learned were most sensitive, his
nipples, of course, but his inner thighs as well. Then I positioned myself
between his legs and lifted them, pressing his knees against his chest. He
grabbed them and pulled them back, exposing his sweet pink pucker to me. I
dove in, first licking in broad strokes, then swirling around his hole,
then pressing into him. There was no part of this hot body I didn't love to
worship, but I knew this drove him wild. I gave me more than a little
pleasure as well.

When I had him begging me to fuck him, I grabbed a condom and the lube and
got ready, pressing my sheathed head against his relaxed pucker. With our
eyes locked, I gave a push and in one long, slow move I slid all the way
into him. As I hit bottom, I leaned over and kissed him. Then I moved back
and began to fuck. Sometimes we made slow, gentle, sweet love. Sometime we
fucked like animals. The night before, after having been apart for a week,
we'd fucked like madmen the first time, then made passionate love the
second. In spite of our mellow moods tonight, I sensed we both wanted it a
little rough again. I gradually picked up speed and thrust until I was
pounding his ass with abandon. Just looking into his deep blue eyes was
such a turn-on that I had to concentrate not to come right away. I managed
to hold out for ten strenuous minutes before exploding deep inside him.

Just before I came I grabbed his dick to stroke him but he pushed my hand
away, I knew what that meant; he was going to fuck my brains out next. I
had just started to catch my breath when Jase rolled me over, threw my legs
over his shoulders, unrolled a condom on his thick meat and punched it into
me. I'd thought I had been pretty rough on him but he took me for a wild
ride, furiously pistoning into me for nearly fifteen minutes before he let
loose inside me. He collapsed on me and we lay there panting in a pool of
sweat. I felt his softening cock slip from me and I shifted our bodies so
we were on our sides facing each other. I kissed him lightly on each eyelid
but he kept staring at me.

"What?" His stare was intense and a little unnerving.

"I think I love you, Steve."

Love? Oh, shit. "No way. We hardly even know each other. We've been going
together, what, six weeks, and you were just away one of those weeks."

"But look how well we get along, how much fun we have together. And we fit
perfectly in bed."

"Okay, we do have lots in common, and have a good time together, but we
still don't know that much about each other. And look at the difference in
our ages."

"The age difference doesn't matter when we're talking, eating, sleeping,
dancing or fucking. Besides, I'm very mature for my age and you're very
immature for yours."

"You've got me there," I chuckled. "But at some point the age difference
may mean something. I've been around a lot longer than you and have been
with lots of guys. You're just starting out."

"So you're saying I have to fuck a lot of guys before I can fall in love?
Or maybe that I have to catch up to you first?"

"No, Jase, I'm just saying we should take it slow and not rush things."

"That's okay with me. I'm not a total kid, you know. I didn't say I was in
love with you, only that I thought I might be. I'll keep an open mind on
the subject if you do. I just don't want you to automatically deny the
possibility."

"Okay, I'll keep an open mind, but I gotta warn you, I've got a pretty
lousy track record when it comes to relationships."

"Well, I have no record at all, so maybe we'll balance each other out. Now
set the alarm for a half-hour early, 'cause I want a little breakfast in
bed before school."

Matt called late in the morning to let me know he was at the Nassau Inn. I
said I'd come straight from work and meet him there at five. I went out to
lunch and as I ate my sandwich I lost myself in memories.

                    --------------------------------------------------------------------

After that first night together, Matt and I couldn't get enough of each
other. He still had his girlfriend and went to parties with his friends on
weekends. Our parents didn't notice any difference in our relationship
because we spent the same amount of time together as we had before, but
when we were alone, we were making love, anywhere and everywhere we got the
chance. In the beginning it was just like the first time. Matt fucked me
and that was pretty much it. He was always gentle and caring, but it was
pretty one-sided. After a while, we discovered the joys of oral sex. Yeah,
I know that's a little backwards, but that's the way our whole relationship
seemed to be. The whole sex thing was all one-way for a long time, with
Matt fucking me or me sucking him, although he did get into kissing me a
lot. After a while, he got up his courage and tried sucking me. I wasn't
sure he wanted to, though he said he did, and he never got very good at it,
but he decided that if we were having oral sex it should be reciprocal. He
even let me fuck him once. I knew he didn't like that, but he insisted
anyway. He wanted to experience everything with me and he also wanted to be
my first in everything.

At the end of the school year, Matt graduated and in the fall he went to
Princeton, of course. Both of our fathers had gone to Princeton; that was
the reason they'd settled where they did, ten miles away. That meant that
Matt and I could continue to see a lot of each other even though he was
living on campus. Unfortunately, he was still dating Sandy and that meant
he could still see her as well, so I had to share him. So did she, but she
didn't realize it. After seeing him nearly every day of my life it was hard
to cut back to once a week, but I had no choice. It wasn't just that I'd
gotten used to a lot of sex; I was used to more Matt. I knew he was having
a great time experiencing college life, but I knew he missed me, too.

I was looking forward to Christmas when he'd be home for a couple of
weeks. I thought it would be like old times, but it wasn't. The first few
days, things seemed hectic at his house and he was always busy. I found out
the reason the day after Christmas when he told me the news.

"Sandy's pregnant. She's gonna have a baby in May."

"Shit, how did that happen? I mean, you use condoms."

"Yeah, you know better than anyone. She usually supplied them because I
always seemed to be running out." He grinned. "One of them must have leaked
or something. They're not foolproof, you know."

"So what are you gonna do?"

"We've talked it over with her folks and my folks. We're getting married
next week."

"Married? But you're both only 18. What about school?"

"I'll be able to finish, don't worry. We're going live with her parents and
they'll support her and the baby until I graduate. My parents and I just
have to come up with money for me and school, which we're doing anyway."

"This really sucks. Getting married for love is one thing, but when you
have to it isn't fair for either of you."

"It's not so bad, Steve. I'm pretty sure she loves me and I know I like her
a lot. I might even love her. We've been going together over a year and we
still get along so that's a good sign. Plus, even though she held out a
long time, she's really good in bed. I could do a lot worse."

"What about me?" I felt guilty sounding so selfish when he was obviously
dealing with a personal crisis, but my whole world revolved around him.

"We'll always be buddies and I'll love you forever, but once I'm married
we're going to have to cut out the sex. It was one thing to do that when I
was only dating her, but I can't cheat on her when I'm married."

"Yeah, I guess I knew that. I wouldn't want you to hurt her." I was dying
on the inside but I knew he must be feeling a lot more helpless. "Are you
going to be okay, Matt? I just want you to be happy."

"I think I'll be fine, once the shock of it all wears off. I always knew
I'd get married and have kids. I just didn't think it would be this
soon. Like I've said before, I'm only queer for you, Steve."

So they got married the first week of January and I had to get used to
seeing even less of Matt. Sandy and I had always gotten along pretty well
and once they were married she accepted me more or less as a
brother-in-law. In May, she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Matt
insisted on naming him Steven, which made my year. A month later, Matt made
me even happier when he came to visit one day and said he wanted to resume
our sex life.

"Sandy and I stopped having sex in the seventh month and ever since Stevie
was born she wants nothing to do with sex. I can't blame her for wanting to
take a break after what she went through, but I've been jerking off every
day and I've still got blue balls. You've got to help me out."

"Are you sure, Matt? You said you didn't want to cheat."

"It's not cheating 'cause you're a guy. I'd be getting something from you I
can't get from Sandy. I know that's rationalizing, but give me a break. I'm
dying here."

"You don't have to beg. I just wanted to make sure you weren't going to
regret it later."

So we went back to having sex whenever he could get away and we could sneak
off. It wasn't very often, but it was good. He often brought the baby over
and I grew very fond of him. When Sandy saw how good I was with little
Stevie she made me her number one babysitter. So I spent my free time the
last two years of high school taking care of a baby and getting fucked by
his father. It sounds weird but I was in heaven.

My freshman year at Princeton was Matt's senior year. We got to spend a lot
more time together because we were both on campus all day with no family
around and I had a dorm room. I knew that our good times were going to
change once he graduated, though. His major was business and he wanted to
go on for his MBA but he was feeling guilty about not supporting his
family. Things got more complicated halfway through the year when Sandy
announced she was pregnant again. By the time he graduated, he still hadn't
made up his mind what to do. He'd been accepted to grad school, which was
what he wanted. But Sandy's father had pulled some strings and he had a job
offer on Wall Street to consider as well. And Sandy's uncle owned a real
estate management firm in Los Angeles and had offered him a job. Neither
Matt nor Sandy wanted to leave the area, so that wasn't a serious option.

Matt had a huge graduation party for all of his friends and then a small
backyard pool party a few days later for family. I was invited and went to
both, but I preferred the family party. While I was becoming more social I
still didn't feel comfortable in large groups. I'd always been a part of
Matt's family and Sandy's parents were used to having me around, so I
enjoyed being with all of them. Halfway through the afternoon I went into
the house to get something from the kitchen. I don't even remember what
after all this time. Matt was the only one in the house and as soon as I
was in the door he pushed me into the pantry.

"You are so sexy in that Speedo. I want to fuck you right now."

"Whoa, down boy. You're surrounded by family. Maybe later."

"Yeah, I know, but I've got to at least kiss you right now."

He pulled me into a tight hug and kissed me passionately, his tongue down
my throat and both hands down the back of my swim suit, practically pulling
it off me. I lost myself in the kiss but was brought back to earth by a
crashing sound. Matt and I pulled apart and looked around. Sandy was
standing in the doorway with a broken plate at her feet.

"Get out! Get the fuck out of here!" she started screaming. I had no idea
if she meant me or Matt or both of us, but she was totally hysterical so I
ran out the back door, picked up my stuff, murmured excuses to everybody at
the pool and took off.

When I got home I was trembling. I went to my room and waited for Matt to
call to let me know how things turned out. I figured he'd call in a couple
of hours. Three days went by and I didn't hear from him. I tried my best to
act as normal as possible, but I was dying inside. I finally got news from
my mother, who'd heard from Matt's mother. The good news was that neither
of our mothers had heard anything about the kiss and didn't know we weren't
in touch with one another. The bad news was that Matt had taken the job
with Sandy's uncle and they were leaving for the west coast
immediately. The next day, Matt called.

"Hey, little buddy, looks like I fucked up."

"Yeah, we both did. Are you okay?"

"I gotta be. Look, I have no choice about any of this but it's what I've
gotta do. I can't talk now but I'll write to you when I get to LA."

"I love you, Matt."

"Yeah, I love you too, Steve, forever. Bye now."

Three weeks later, I got a letter from Los Angeles with just a name for a
return address- Matt Jackson.

Steve,

I'm sorry it had to end this way. It was either this or divorce with
limited visitation and lots of child support. It's for the best for both of
us, I think. I really do love Sandy, you know that. And it wasn't fair to
her what I was doing with you. It wasn't fair to you, either. You deserve a
guy who's going to be all yours, one who will love you and treat you right
and appreciate what a fine person you are. I've been in your way,
preventing you from looking for that special guy. We each need to focus on
our own lives now and this clean break will help us do that. I won't be
writing again, but remember that I will always love you. You are so
precious to me.

Your Matt

                         ----------------------------------------------------------------

I was useless at work all afternoon. My head was stuck on seeing Matt at
five. After that letter, I hadn't heard from him again. Oh sure, I got a
little news now and then from his parents until they retired and moved
away. The new baby was a girl. I didn't hear her name, or it never stuck in
my mind. Matt managed to get his MBA going to school at night. The job
worked out very well for him and he and Sandy were very happy and very
comfortable. They were doing just fine.

But I never moved on. Yeah, I got my degree in math and a good job as an
actuary with the state pension fund, a nice townhouse not far from the old
neighborhood and a new body, thanks to the gym. But as far as my love life
was concerned, I became a serial monogamist, dating a never-ending stream
of Matt look-alikes. If a guy was tall, built, blond and blue-eyed and
showed any interest in me, he ended up in my bed, some for a week or two,
one for over a year. Two of them had even been named Matt. But none of them
were my Matt, so it never worked out. Jase was the latest in this long
stream of substitutes. It embarrassed me to think that one of the reasons
I'd gone out with him a second time in spite of his age was that his last
name was also Jackson. He was a little different from the rest, though.

As I'd gotten older, the guys I dated got older, just as if they really
were Matt. But Jase was a throwback to the Matt of those perfect days just
before he got married. I didn't go out to clubs much, but one night in
February some friends had dragged me out to The Den in Somerset. The
instant I saw him across the dance floor I knew I wanted him. His youth put
me off, but the minute I looked into his eyes, I was lost. There seemed to
be an instant bond between the two of us. He followed me back to my place
and we were up all night fucking. That was another area where things were
different between us than they had been with Matt and all of those guys who
came after him. I had been almost exclusively a bottom in bed right from
those early days with Matt. But Jase loved to get fucked and I couldn't get
enough of his ass. He fucked me quite a bit as well, but more often than
not, I was on top, and that felt right to me.

Despite the fact that we had been spending three to four nights a week
together, we didn't know a lot about each other. He was a native
Californian, from a wealthy family who didn't know he was gay and he'd had
limited sexual experience before he met me. Like most college kids he was
into the present and that was fine with me. My own past was a broken
record. We both seemed to have fun no matter what we were doing, even when
we weren't doing much of anything. And all I ever had to do was look into
his eyes and he had me. I had to keep reminding myself of the age problem
or I could have easily fallen for him. There was something special about
him that I hadn't experienced with the other guys. Yeah, he was another
Matt clone, but he was very definitely his own person. As I left work I
thought it was a good sign that as the afternoon wore on I'd spent more
time thinking about Jase than Matt.

But as I drove into Princeton, my thoughts returned to Matt. I parked and
nervously approached the hotel. I'd been trying not to wonder what this was
all about, why Matt was coming back into my life after all these years. I
hadn't managed to keep him totally in the past, but I'd at least been able
to keep him out of my daily thoughts, for the most part. I'd accepted that
I'd never see him again but now here he was.

I stood in front of his door a full minute before I got up the courage to
knock. Then I took a deep breath and lightly rapped on it. It flew open
almost instantly, as if he'd been waiting on the other side. And there was
my Matt. He looked a few years older, but not much. And damn, he was more
beautiful than ever. We just stared at each other for a long minute, then
he held out his hand. As we shook, he pulled me toward him.

"Aw, what the fuck." He threw his arms around me and kissed me on the
lips. No tongue, but a firm, hot kiss nonetheless.

"Oh God, you're still gorgeous, Matt."

"And you've grown up into quite a stud."

He closed the door and went over to the minibar and made us a couple of
drinks. I knew I needed one and I could tell he did, too. We made small
talk for a few minutes, starting with the weather, of all things, then our
jobs.

"So how are things with Sandy?"

"Good, Steve, very good. I really do love her and we've got a great life."

"And your daughter?"

"Rachel. She's in high school, looking just like her mother."

"What about little Stevie?"

"Little Stevie," he laughed. "It's been years since anyone called him
that. After we left Sandy couldn't stand to hear your name, so she insisted
we call him by his middle name. And he's not little anymore. He's nearly as
big as his old man. He's actually the reason I'm here."

I felt a little bit of a letdown. A part of me had hoped that I was the
reason he was there.

"He's a freshman here at Princeton this year, following in the family
tradition. Last week was spring break."

"Yeah, I know." My thoughts went to how much I'd missed Jase.

"Well, he came home last week and not only announced that he was gay, but
that he had a boyfriend here at school."

"Oh man, I'll bet Sandy flipped out."

"That would be putting it mildly. She totally freaked. It was a week of
alternating screaming and stony silences. Sandy was often hysterical,
especially when she and I were alone. She blamed me for everything, of
course."

"How did Stevie handle it all?"

"Not well, I'm afraid. I don't think he expected it to go well, but you
could see the hurt in his eyes. I tried to reassure him that I was okay
with it, but I don't think I got through to him. I was pretty much in shock
all week. After he left to come back to school, Sandy and I really had it
out. All of her resentment toward you from way back came out. It was
actually a good thing for us, because we'd never talked about all of
that. Once we got out to the coast we just buried it and moved on. I think
she now understands where I'm coming from and that I do love her."

"So what are you doing here now?"

"After things calmed down I realized that Sandy and I had been so wrapped
up in our own past we'd let 'little Stevie' down. He'd taken a huge chance
in coming out to us and we'd blown it. I decided to come right out here and
try to make him see that I love him."

"And what about his mother?"

"It's going to take her a while, but I think she'll be okay with it
eventually. I've decided to come clean with him and tell him all about my
past, our past."

"Do you think that's good idea? What's Sandy going to think about that?"

"It's not about her at this point. It's about him, and I want to be sure he
knows that I understand and completely accept him. And I want to check out
this boyfriend of his, make sure the kid is good enough for my son." He
looked at his watch. "I called him when I got in. He should be here in a
few minutes."

"Then I'd better go. You're going to need some alone time with him."

"Yeah, I know. But I've got a favor to ask of you, the reason I
called. Well, one of the reasons. I just had to see you again, of course,
but on top of that, you're the one gay guy I know in New Jersey. I'd like
you to keep an eye on my boy for me if you would."

"Sure, Matt, no problem, I used to take pretty good care of him when he was
two, though I imagine this will be a little bit different. But he may not
welcome having a chaperone spying on him."

"Not a chaperone, just an older and wiser friend. Look, he's due any
minute. Why don't you come back in an hour and I'll introduce you guys,
then we can all get some dinner?"

I checked the time. "Okay, see you at seven."

I went out to wander around town and ended up on campus. I thought about
calling Jase and having him meet me, but I only had a few minutes to kill
and he was probably busy. When he'd left in the morning he'd wanted to get
together and do something tonight, but I'd explained that an old friend was
in town and I'd be tied up, so he'd probably made other plans A little
before seven I went back into town to the hotel. Matt greeted me at the
door with a big smile on his face.

"C'mon in." He nodded across the room toward a door. "He's in the
bathroom."

"How'd it go?"

"Good. He was shocked at first, but we talked a lot and I feel like we're
closer than we've ever been. He's such a good kid, Steve. You're gonna love
him."

The bathroom door opened and little Stevie walked out. He and I both froze
and stared at each other. Fuck! Steven Jason Jackson. How could I have
forgotten his middle name? But then, why would I have thought about it?

"Jase!"

"Steve!"

We were both in shock and neither of us could say anything else. We just
continued to stare at each other, then at Matt. Matt looked confused, his
eyes going back and forth between us. Finally, comprehension dawned on him.

"Aw, fuck, I don't believe this." He started to laugh and turned to
Jase. "We might as well start planning your mother's funeral right now,
'cause this is gonna kill her."

The End.