Date: Fri, 6 Nov 2009 15:25:06 -0800 (PST) From: K. <ilj4ever44@yahoo.com> Subject: Goodbye Love- part 5 Copyright and Disclaimer: 1. This is a fictional story with fictional characters. 2. No one is to steal this story under any circumstances. 3. This story deals with relationships and not sex, so if you're looking for a story with a lot of sex in it, this isn't the story for you. Sorry this chapter took me so long. I've been very busy lately and have hardly had any time to sit down and write. But here it finally is! Here's chapter 5 titled, 'Hope and Unicorns.' 'HOPE AND UNICORNS' ****RIVER**** I'm walking through a quiet forest, hundreds tall pine trees are lined up on both sides of me. The air is perfectly still and the faint sound of birds can be heard in the distance. Up in the distance I see a light glowing. I squint my eyes trying to see what the glowing is coming from. It's a strange light, it isn't the type of light that shines down from the sun peaking through the trees, it's as if the light is coming from the ground, it's a white and blue glow. I've never seen anything like it. As I get closer, I start to make out an on outline of a figure. It's not human, it's a being that has four legs, a tail...a horse? When I get close enough, I can finally see the animal that is emanating the beautiful light. I can see it's white fur, it's long white tail and mane. Between it's ears on the forehead is something I've never seen before, at least not outside of a fairy tale. It's a long, shimmering horn. This animal before me is a unicorn, an actual unicorn! I carefully walk towards the mythical creature and extend my hand gently. "Hey buddy," I say as I inch towards it. The unicorn doesn't move, it just stands before me confidently. "I didn't think animals like you existed." I walk closer and closer and inch my hand towards its horn. I'm just about to touch the mystical horn when a loud pounding noise fills the air. The unicorn backs away from me and runs away, leaving me alone in the forest. The pounding continues... I wake up and find myself lying on my couch. I groggily wake up and see the empty bottle of vodka sitting on the table where I left it, a half-filled glass is resting next to it. It was such a weird dream. Who dreams about unicorns besides five-year-old girls? Fucking weird. "Is someone in there?" I hear Ella's voice call out as she knocks on the door to my place. "Hello? River?" I debate ignoring her so she goes away, but I might as well let her in. She's nothing if not persistent and if I ignore her now, she'll just find me later. I look down at myself and notice I'm only wearing my boxers, I pick up a white t-shirt I have lying on the floor and put it on and answer the door. Ella looks at my with her upbeat and chipper attitude and smiles, "Hey River!" "You woke me up," I groggily say to her. "It's eleven o'clock." Ella points to her watch for emphasis. She walks past me into my place. "So how are you doing?" "Well, it's eleven AM on a Monday and I'm here instead of work. How do you think I'm doing?" I try not to be rude, but I think Ella's the type of person who needs a blunt response to take a hint. Ella ignores me and continues to talk, "I came by because I couldn't help overhear you and our landlord yesterday." "You couldn't help but overhear?" I scoff. I'm sure she probably has little microphones strategically placed throughout the complex to hear everyone's business. Ella continues to speak, "Do you know Dell? He lives upstairs. Anyway, him and I went around the to the neighbors and we brought you something." She hands me an envelope. Inside I find about two-hundred dollars. I look up at her confused. "We thought you could use it to help pay for your rent." "So everyone in the building knows I need money?" I ask, my face feels hot from humiliation. I take the envelope and give it back to her. "Thanks, but I don't need anyone's pity." "It's not pity," Ella replies. "We just want to help you out." "Well I don't need your guys' help," I snap and give her back the money. "If you'll excuse me, I have a busy day." "Doing what exactly?" Ella asks, refusing to leave. "Like you said, it's eleven AM on a Monday." I'm at a loss for words. As much as I don't want to admit it, she has a point. "Why are you so insistent on being a loner here?" "Maybe I just prefer it," I reply. "Or maybe you're afraid of letting people in," Ella floats. "How would you know? You don't know me," I tell her. "That's why I'm here. That's why I always come around and bother you," Ella tells me, for the first time I see a true genuine soul in her. It's something I must have always ignored before. "Listen River, I may not be a great waitress, I'm not the best actress, but I've always been good at sensing when someone needs a friend and whether you want to admit it or not, I know you can use one." Her words take me by surprise. She's right. I could use a friend and even though she annoys me, I can see that Ella would be a good one to have. I give her an apologetic smile, "Can I fix you a drink?" Ella looks around my place and notices my bottles of alcohol lying around. "How about we go out and get a burger instead?" ****EDDIE**** Holly and I are sitting in her doctor's office. She's wearing a hospital gown as she sits on the examination table. I'm seated next to her, pretending to read an article in the magazine about Lindsay Lohan's latest downfall, but even Miss Lohan's drama can't keep me from being nervous. My right leg is shaking which I know is annoying Holly so I try to stop it. I can't believe my sister is pregnant and with my best friend! "Eddie! You suck at keeping me relaxed," Holly snaps. "I'm sorry," I reply. "I'm just nervous is all. You're pregnant with my best friend's baby. My sister and my best friend." "Oh my God," Holly rolls her eyes. "How did this suddenly become all about you?" "What?" I ask confused. "You always do this," Holly retorts. "Any situation you find a way to make it about you. I love you and all, but you're a bit self-absorbed." "I do not make every situation about me!" I take great offense to that comment. "Two day ago when I told you to come over so I could tell you the news that I was pregnant, what did you do?" Holly points out. "You burst through the front door to tell me about your run-in with River." "Well I didn't know you were waiting to tell me such big news," I try defending myself, although I have a feeling she's right. "It's just a little annoying because it's something you've done all your life," Holly says. "I'm sorry," I say as I reach for her hand and give it a little squeeze. "I'll try to be better." We sit in silence, as Holly nervously waits for her doctor to come in the room, I think back to my run-in with River. ****TWO DAYS AGO**** I rush out of Dell's place and make my way down the stairs. My mind is so distracted thinking of possible reasons why Holly needs to talk to me that I run into someone at the bottom of the staircase on the second floor, knocking the two of us over. "I am so sorry!" I scramble to my feet and extend my hand to help the fallen man up. He's lying face down on the ground, All I can see of him is a thick coat of dark hair. He begins to roll over and grunts, "God dammit!" I take his arm and begin to help him stand up. "Again, I'm so sorry," I say. When he stands up and faces me, my heart drops. I feel like the blood has been completely drained from my body. How did this happen? Of all the places to run into him it has to be here. "River." "Eddie?!" River meekly says. The two of us stare at one another, not sure what to say. My mind is racing, what is he doing here? It's been a while since I've seen him. I always wondered how I would react if we saw each other again. Now that I'm facing him, I feel nervous, I feel uneasy. What do I say to him? "How are you?" River politely inquires. "Good," I smile. "What are you doing here?" "I live here." My stomach drops. "You live here?" This is some kind of joke, right? He can't possibly live in the same building that Dell lives in. He nods his head, "I don't know how much longer I'm going to be living here though." It suddenly hits me that he was the tenant that Ella mentioned was behind on his rent. The idea of River in financial problem made my heart sink. I feel so sad for him. "Is everything okay?" "It's not your problem," he dismisses by waving his hand. We both quietly look at one another, both in shock that we're face-to-face again. Curiosity gets to me, "Can I see your place?" River shifts his body from side to side, visibly uncomfortable by the request, but he eventually gives in and we walk into his place together. When we first walk in I'm hit with a musky smell, it's as if no fresh air has come inside the place in years. It's a tiny studio apartment; I see his bed in one corner of the room and an old torn couch against the opposite wall near the kitchen. The walls look like they were once white, but are now yellowing. I look up at the ceiling and see water stains from leaks in the piping. On the wall next to the front door is the painting that I had given him for our last anniversary. It's the painting that Dell had given me for free. "It's nice." I know it's a lie, but it's the proper thing to say. "It's shit," River says. "But it's fine for me. I might be leaving any way." "Oh yeah?" I ask, wanting him to tell me the truth about his financial situation. "Yeah." He momentarily pauses and raises his eyebrows, "I found a place a little better." "I see." I can tell he's lying. He always raises his eyebrows when he lies. "How are you doing?" River asks. "Why are you here?" Not wanting to tell him that I'm dating Dell, I modify the truth, "I was just visiting a friend who lives in the building." Before he can ask who my friend is, I quickly change the subject, "So are you sure everything is okay?" I look around his filthy apartment and try to hide a cringe. River's demeanor stiffens and he becomes defensive, "Just because my place may not be up to your standards doesn't mean there's a problem." "I'm not judging or anything," I reply. "I was just curious because..." "Because what?" "I heard that you might be evicted," I gently say. "Who told you that?" River snaps demandingly. "Was it Ella? She's so nosey and gets in everyone's business here!" "It doesn't matter who told me," I reply. "I'm asking if you need help." "No!" River snaps. "I'm fine." "Okay," I raise my hands in defeat. "I'm sorry." I can tell that River has closed himself off and doesn't want to talk anymore. "I should go. Holly needs me." "Okay." River stands away from me, his ego obviously bruised. I look at the empty bottles of alcohol scattered throughout the apartment and sigh. I guess he really can't change. As I head out of his place, I stop myself and turn back to him. I look at him and see only a faint memory of the River I loved for so long. How could he have turned out like this? I take a few cautious steps towards him. He steps back from me, but I close the gap between us and wrap my arms tightly around him and hold him tightly. "Please take care of yourself," I whisper in his ear. "Why do you care?" River asks. He doesn't hug me back. He keeps his arms to his side. "I care," I answer. As much as I wish I could just wash myself of him and all feelings I had of him, I still care about him and want him to be okay. I can feel River's arms gently wrap around me and begin to hug me back, but he stops and says quietly in my ear, "You should go." I take a deep breath and let go of him. "Bye." I walk out and get to my car and drive over to Holly's place. ****PRESENT TIME**** "You're thinking about River, huh?" Holly asks. "I'm sorry?" I look up at her. "I can tell by your dazed look you were thinking of someone and I'm pretty sure it's River," Holly says. "You want to talk about it?" "No," I shake my head. "I don't want to make it all about me." "Well you will eventually, so just tell me about it," Holly laughed. I happily sigh, I really needed to talk about this situation, "Is it crazy for still caring about him?" "Yes," Holly scoffs. I'm a bit taken aback by her blunt response. She softens, "Sorry, I'm obviously a bit bitter in my current state." She gestures to her stomach. "Honestly though, after all you went through with him, would you really consider going back to him?" "It's not that I want to go back to him," I assure her. "I just care about him. I want him to be okay." "I suppose that's understandable," Holly says. "You were with him for a long time." "He might get kicked out of his apartment. He's behind on his rent," I tell her. "I think I might give him some money." "You're kidding," She looks at me like I'm crazy. "Don't do that! It's not your problem anymore." "So you're saying it's crazy that I care about him still," I say. Holly shakes her head, "After what he did to you, forgive me if I can't be too sympathetic towards his problems." I understand her resentment, "I know he wasn't the model boyfriend, but he is a good guy deep down. He just has his problems that I couldn't help him with." "Don't start blaming yourself again," Holly says. "It's his fault. Just let him go, okay?" I nod my head, but I still can't fully let him go. He's been in my life too long to stop caring now. I shake my head, I've been focusing way too much on myself, this is Holly's appointment and I should be focusing on her. "So how are you doing?" "Still freaked out," Holly replies. "I don't know if I really want to do this." "You don't have to decide today," I assure her. "We're just here to make sure everything is okay. But if you don't want this baby...there are options." "What am I supposed to do?" Holly asks. "This is such a fucked situation." "Well, Holl, why didn't you two use protection?" I ask. "It was a heat of the moment situation!" Holly says defensively. "I'm sorry. Now's not the time for a safe-sex lecture," I nod my head. "Obviously," Holly sighs. "Are you going to talk to Jonathan about it?" I ask. "I don't know. I still get angry when I think about him," Holly says. "You know what gets me? He goes backpacking through different countries, he rock climbs, he does all these risky things, yet when it came to us, he was a complete coward." "It's been a while since he was in a serious relationship," I point out. "Plus it was with you. He has a lot more to lose dating you than he does dating some random girl. To top everything, remember what happened the last time he seriously dated someone?" Holly takes a moment to let this soak in, maybe there's a glimmer of hope that things can be fixed between her and Jonathan. ****RIVER**** Ella and I go to this nearby coffee shop and order a couple burgers and fries. It's been a long time since I've been out to eat. Mostly, I've just been ordering pizza or eating whatever hasn't expired in my refrigerator. I never thought I would actually be enjoying my time with Ella. "Can I ask you something?" I say to Ella as she takes a sip of her soda. She nods her head. "Do you know anything about...unicorns?" I feel so stupid for asking. "Unicorns?" Ella asks. "Why do you want to know about unicorns?" "Just curious," I reply. She darts me a suspicious look. I hesitate, but finally decide to confess, "I had a dream about one." "You dreamt of a unicorn?" Ella bites her lip to keep from laughing. "How cute." "Forget I asked." I wave my hand dismissively. "I'm sorry," Ella softens. "I didn't mean to make fun of you." She then pauses briefly, "I actually took a mythology course in college and learned a little about unicorns." She takes a moment to think about what she learned. "It's been a while since I took that course, but from what I remember, they're romantic symbolically, but it's said that cause they're such rare creatures, they are often alone and can represent loneliness." My dream suddenly makes sense; my fears and insecurities are being realized. That unicorn represents my love life. I'm going to be alone. "So what's your story?" Ella asks. "Why does it seem like things are going so bad for you?" "Are you always this blunt?" I ask as I take a bite of my burger. "What's the point of sugar-coating things?" Ella shrugs her shoulders and tosses her hair out of her face. "If I want to know something, I'm direct about it." "People underestimate you, don't they?" I suspect. "All the time," Ella replies. "Often, it works to my advantage and I know you're trying to spin the topic on me to avoid talking about yourself." Busted. "Caught on the that, huh?" "Like you said, people underestimate me," Ella smiles. "So `fess up. What's going on?" "I just feel...trapped." I hear myself confessing my inner most thoughts to her. How is it that I can talk to Ella? I hardly know her. I'm still not sure if I like her, but here I am, telling her what's going on in my life. "Since my ex and I broke-up, things have just gone downhill." "Was he that instrumental in the successes in your life?" Ella asks. "I didn't think so." But was he? "I always thought he was just the cherry on top of everything, you know? But seeing my life now...maybe he was a big part of my success in life." "You're having trouble moving on." Ella nods her head, understandingly. "I know what that's like." "Well, it doesn't help that I ran into him the other day," I add. "I guess he knows someone who lives in our building." "Oh yeah?" Ella asks. "Who?" "I don't know. I didn't ask." It's been a long time since I've had someone I could talk to like this. It feels...nice. I remember times when Eddie and I would stay up half the night talking about anything and everything. Of all the things about him, I think I miss that the most. "So tell me, what was so great about your ex-boyfriend that's keeping you from moving on?" Ella asks. I can't help but give a chuckle, "I can go on forever about him. We were together for six years. Eddie is just a great guy." "Eddie?" Ella's face lights up. "Your ex-boyfriend's name is Eddie?" "Yeah." "And you ran into him in our building the other day?" Ella looks intense, as if she's solving a CSI case. "Yes." "And he said he's friends with someone in the building," Ella begins to piece it all together. She them mumbles to herself, "No wonder he looked so familiar when I met him. I saw his pictures at your apartment the last time I was there." She then looks up again at me, "That painting in your apartment that you have by the front door, who painted it?" "I don't know. Eddie gave it to me as a gift on our last anniversary," I answered, trying to understand what she's saying. "What is it Ella?" "Eddie Gilmore is your ex?!" Ella's eyes grow wide. "You know him?" I ask. I feel my heart begin to race. "How do you know him?" "He's-" Ella begins, but she quickly cuts herself off. "Oh shit...I don't know if I should say." "Ella, what do you know?" I demand. "Well, he's sort of..." Ella slowly begins to say. "Just tell me," I beg. "Please." "River, he's...dating someone in the building." "Dating?" I ask. "He's dating someone?" "Yeah. Actually, the painting in your apartment is by the guy he's seeing. He's your upstairs neighbor. His name's Dell Madison," Ella explains. "I'm sorry." I feel shortness of breath. "It's fine." I don't know why I'm acting like this. I wanted him to move on. It's why I broke-up with him in the first place. He needed to move on. I should be happy to hear he's dating someone else. Why do I feel like I'm suffocating? "So they're dating?" "Honestly, I'm not sure," Ella answers. "I know they've been hanging out a lot and Dell really likes him." I find myself frozen. My vision gets blurry and all the sound fades away. I feel alone. "River?" Ella snaps me out of my daze. "Are you okay? All the color is drained from your face." "I'm fine," I answer. "Should I not have said anything?" Ella asks. "No, it's okay," I assure her. "It's good actually. He deserves to be happy. Is he happy?" "I think so," Ella gently responds. "I hate that I'm the one who has to tell you this." "I'm fine," I assure her again. We go back quietly to eating our food, however, I feel an overwhelming desire to drink... ****JONATHAN**** At six o'clock, I go to meet Eddie for dinner at El Cholo in Pasadena. By the time I get there, he's already sitting at a table eating chips n salsa, waiting for me. "Hey," I give him a hug. "Thanks for meeting up so last minute." "It's fine," Eddie assures me. "What's up?" It's been about a week since we've seen each other, too long in my opinion. Eddie, Holly and I used to see each other practically everyday, but that was before... "Not much. I've just been working and feeling like shit," I shake my head. "I've never felt so shitty before. I still can't believe how much I fucked things up with Holly. Does she still hate me?" "She's actually going through some stuff right now that's keeping her preoccupied," Eddie tells me. He then nods his head, "But she still is pretty hurt." "I know and she has every right to be. I treated her like meant nothing to me," I sigh. "It's been over a month and she still hasn't picked up any of my calls." "Jon, you know what she wants to hear," Eddie tells me. "Why won't you just say it?" "Because saying it changes everything," I tell him. "Well not saying it has changed everything too," Eddie points out. "Look at where you are now from not saying it. You've lost her as both a friend and whatever else you two could have been." "I think it's too late now." I clasp my hands together and twiddle my thumbs. "It might not be," Eddie says. He then tilts his head, he always does then when he wants to ask a personal question. "Are you scared?" "Scared? Me?" I scoff. "Eddie, I backpack through countries, I stay in hostels, I go rock climbing on my weekends. Does that sound like someone who gets scared?" "There's a difference between being brave in life and brave in love," Eddie says. "Think about it. You haven't dated anyone in over a year." "A few months ago I dated my co-worker from the auction house, remember?" I point out. "You two went on like three dates," Eddie says. "That doesn't count. I'm talking about your last serious relationship." I pause, not wanting to remember it, "That has nothing to do with Holly and me." Eddie shakes his head, "Are you kidding? I think it has a lot to do with Holly and you." "I don't want to get into it," I throw my hands up. "Let's just change the subject, okay?" "Fine," Eddie says. "So I ran into River the other day." "You did?" I ask. "Where?" "It's bad. He lives in the same building as Dell," Eddie replies. "What are the odds of that?" "That's insane," I comment. I thought River would be out of our lives for good. How does he always find a way back in? "So is he claiming he's sober?" "No. However, I heard through one of his neighbors that he might be evicted for not paying his rent." Eddie looks down, I can tell he feels conflicted on whether he should help him or not. "Don't do it," I tell him. "Do what?" he's playing dumb. "I know you," I remind him. "I can tell that you're thinking of giving him money. Don't do it." "But he's having money trouble," Eddie tries reasoning. "What if he's having trouble with his job?" "Not your concern anymore," I wave my hand as if to wipe away the problem that is River. Eddie raises his eyebrows, "Wow, you and Holly are both so cutthroat about River. I didn't realize you two disliked him so much." "We put up with him because he was your boyfriend," I explain. "Now that he's not. There's no reason for us to pretend anymore." I can tell Eddie is a little disappointed with my responses. He was hoping for some encouragement on helping River. I have a feeling that he's going to give him money anyway. Sometimes I wonder why Eddie even asks Holly and me for our opinion on matters because he always ends up doing what he wants in the first place. He's stubborn like that. It's the reason he stayed with River for so long, he was convinced he could one day rescue him from his problems. "Can I be honest with you about something?" Eddie asked. "Of course," I answer. "I still analyze and try to figure out why he broke-up with me," Eddie replies. I feel my heart tighten. He still doesn't know what I was responsible for that. Holly always told me that I should tell Eddie what I did, but I never found a time to...well, truth be told, I never really wanted to because I know he'd get upset. But maybe I should tell him... "You know, there's something I've been meaning to tell you." "What?" Eddie asks. "I-" I cut myself off, not sure how to say it. I just have to be honest. He'll understand that I did it for his own good. I told River to break-up with him because it wasn't healthy. I just have to say something like that. I open my mouth and find these words come out on their own, "I think you should stop trying to think about why it ended and focus on better things, like Dell." What am I saying? I'm supposed to be confessing, not changing the subject. However, I continue, "He seems like a good guy. Why don't you think about dating him?" "Well...we kissed the other day," Eddie reveals. "You did?" I ask surprised he didn't rush and tell me the minute after it happened. "Why did you wait so long to tell me?" "Because I'm not too sure how I feel about it yet," Eddie replies. "I like him, but I don't want to rush into something and have it just be a rebound. I need to stick to the rules of a break-up." "Oh god," I roll my eyes. "You and your rules." "They work," Eddie defends himself. "There are rules that one needs to follow to successfully move on." "So let me guess, you're going to take half the time you were with River to move on," I say. "So you're going to wait three years?" "I admit, that sounds like a long time, but I think it's important," Eddie reasons. "Eddie, fuck the rules," I tell him. "If you like Dell, then go for it. Don't hold back." "That sounds more like advice you should be taking," Eddie throws back at me. I feel my face turn red. He has a point. The two of us continue with our dinner together, carefully avoiding any topic involving Holly or River. ****DELL**** I haven't seen Eddie since we kissed. I wonder if he's having second thoughts? Maybe he doesn't want to pursue anything. He had mentioned rules he follows. What rules? Fuck! I need to stop thinking about the possibilities. I've been distracting myself with my work. I picked up a large 10x10 ft. canvas to keep myself occupied. I often do this to keep myself from over thinking certain situations, whether they be good or bad, to be honest, my best work comes from these situations. It's an accumulation of my passion mixed with my high levels of emotion. It brings out the truth in my work, whether it be beautiful or ugly. Sometimes, the ugly is my best work because it's raw and pure. Why hasn't he come see me? The last time I felt this way about someone, we dated for six months. It was an intense year that ended with two broken hearts and me moving. I find it's easier to start over again in a new location rather than try to start over in the same place. Come to think of it, I've done that a lot over the years. I guess I'm sorta a nomad, I'm continuously traveling. I never call any place home permanently. How many places have I lived? I take a break from painting and grab a bottle of water in the kitchen and sit down to think of all the places I've lived. I've moved around ever since I broke up with my first boyfriend when I was eighteen and living in Seattle. Him and I had a beautiful relationship, we were together for two years. After we broke-up, everything in Seattle reminded me of him so I moved to Santa Barbara for a couple years. I dated a couple guys, but nothing serious. After that, I went to New York where I lived with a guy for about four years, it was a good relationship, but we stayed with each other mostly out of comfort, there was never any real passion, so I moved to Boston for about nine months, it was fun, but not for me. After Boston, I went down to Miami and lived there for three months, it was too humid so I decided to check out the west coast again. I moved to San Francisco where I had a three-month fling with a local artist, but that ended badly so I moved to St. Louis for six months, then Chicago, then San Diego where I had my last boyfriend for a year and now here I am in Los Angeles. So how many places have I lived in? Ten! I guess I never realized that I've moved around that much. Ella had once asked me how long I intend to stay in L.A., I told her that I would stay as long as it felt right, and something about Eddie feels right. I can't explain what it is, but I really like him. Before I could over think it, I hear Ella drum a beat on my front door. "Dell! You there?" "Coming!" I call out as I cross my apartment to answer the door. Before I could open the door all the way, Ella barges in urgently. "You are not going to believe what I just found out!" Ella dishes. "What is it?" I can feel myself getting excited with interest. Ella has a way of making any sort of gossip sound `front page' worthy. "I had lunch with River today and you two have something rather interesting in common," Ella hints. "Can you guess?!" "Ella, just tell me!" "Okay, well, I found out that he dated someone you know," Ella says. I can tell she's dragging out this news for dramatic effect. "What are you talking about?" I ask confused. "I don't know many people here. Who did he date?" "Eddie!" she exclaims. "Him and Eddie used to be in a relationship together." "What?!" I'm shocked. Seriously? "How long were they together?" "Six years," Ella says. "Long time, huh?" "How did you find this out?" I ask curiously. "He was telling me that he ran into him the other day at our building," Ella explains. That means they ran into each other right after Eddie and I kissed. Maybe that's why I haven't seen him. Maybe he's thinking of getting back with him. Shit. "Did he say what happened when they saw each other?" I had to know. Is this the reason why I haven't seen him? "No," Ella replies. "I didn't ask." "Well, I don't want to get in the middle of anything," I tell her. "If they are thinking of getting back together then I'm going to step back." "But you like him," Ella says. "Yeah, but I'm not going to get mixed up in any drama," I say. "I hate that. I hate drama and I'm not going to stand in the way if they still love each other." "So you're just going to stop pursuing anything with him?" Ella asks. "Until I know what he wants, I'm just going to step back," I nod my head. "I'm not going to push anything. I don't do that with relationships." "And maybe that's why you're still single," Ella bluntly states. "Sometimes when you really like someone, you have to show it and push for it." "Look at my latest series of paintings," I point to the canvases I have lined up around my apartment, all the ones that feature Eddie. "He knows my feelings towards him. The rest is up to him." "Okay," Ella nods her head, "But if you just sit back on the sidelines, you'll never get into the game." "I'm not going to fight this," I tell her. "It has to be Eddie's decision." "Fine," Ella replies. "Well, then let me buy you some ice cream to take your mind off of things." ****EDDIE**** I know that Jonathan and Holly think I should just leave my problems with River behind and move on, but I can't when I know that he's in trouble. After dinner with Jonathan, I find myself standing in front of River's apartment door. I haven't knocked yet. I'm still convincing myself that I'm doing the right thing. It has to be the right thing. River needs help, if I'm in a position to help him out then I should, right? I build up my courage and knock on the door and wait patiently. After a few moments, I hear the door unlock and River opens it up. He looks surprised to see me. "What are you doing here?" he asks. "Can I come in?" I ask nervously. He hesitates for a moment before stepping out of the doorway to let me inside. ****DELL**** Ella and I head down the stairs of our apartment building when I hear the sound of Eddie's voice. "Can I come in?" he says. I look over the banister of the staircase down the hall of the floor below me and see Eddie walk inside of his ex-boyfriend's apartment. I guess he made his decision. ****EDDIE**** I walk into River's apartment and the two of us silently face one another. I can tell that River is waiting for me to talk, but I find myself at a loss for words. It's so weird how quickly someone you felt so comfortable with can turn into a stranger. "Sorry to come by unannounced," I start out telling him. "It's fine," he replies. I see a full glass of vodka sitting on the table in front of the couch. "What are you doing here?" "I came to give you this," I say handing him a check for twelve-hundred dollars. "Whoa, that's a lot of money," River says staring at the check. "Take it," I tell him. "I want you to have it." "No," River hands the check back to me. I know this is hurting his pride. "I'm fine." "Bullshit," I tell him. "River, let me do this." "I'm fine," he insists. "I don't need your money." "Yes you do," I reply. "I know you do, so just take it!" "Why?" He asks. "Why do you want to give me this money so badly?" "Because it's the one thing I know I can help you with." The words fly out of my mouth. After I say them, I find that I truly mean it. That's the reason why I want to help him with his financial situation. "I wanted to help you out so badly." I find myself confessing to him, "I wanted to help you stay sober and I failed." "For the last time, I'm not an alcoholic," River replies. "I like drinking, but it's not a problem." "Whatever," I shake my head. "Keep telling yourself that. My point is, I couldn't be strong enough for you. Giving you this money is the only way I can feel better about myself for our relationship." "What do you mean `feel better about yourself?'" River asks. "I failed you," I say. "I should have been stronger in our relationship." "You were strong," River tries to assure me, "You were the rock in our relationship. I was the one who fucked up. I should have taken better care of you and treated you better. I just wasn't ready to let go of having fun. I saw that I was weighing you down and Jonathan saw that to. It's why he came to see me that day." "What?" I'm confused. Jonathan went to see him? "What are you talking about?" "You know, right?" River asks. "He came to my office the day we broke-up." "Why?" I ask, I don't recall Jonathan ever telling me he went to see him. "He basically made me realize that I was wearing you down," River tells me. "He told me to let you go and he was right. It was selfish of me." "He told you to break-up with me?" I ask in shock. My best friend told my boyfriend to break-up with me. "Yeah and he was right," River says, "My personal problems shouldn't have hurt you the way they did. I'm sorry." "I have to go," I say heading for the door. I need to talk to Jonathan. Before I leave, I say one more thing to River, "Promise me you'll keep the money." "Eddie-" he begins, but I cut him off. "Just promise me." River weighs the decision in his head before finally nodding, "I promise." "Thank you," I smile. I give him a hug goodbye and rush out to talk to Jonathan. ****JONATHAN**** I sit at my kitchen table thinking about what Eddie and I talked about at dinner. Eddie's right, I should try taking my advice. If I like Holly, I should just go for it, right? I know we probably can't pick up where we left off, but maybe we can reconnect as friends again. I pick up the phone and try calling her, but as usual, I get her voicemail. "Holly, it's me...again," I say, "Please call me back. I really miss you and I want to talk to you." I hang up the phone. I feel defeated. I don't think it's possible for me to feel any shittier. A knock on the door grabs my attention. I get up and answer the door to a very unhappy-looking Eddie. "Hey Eddie. What's wrong?" "You told River to break-up with me," Eddie snaps. His eyes glare at me. I've never seen him look at me like this before. "You know?" I ask. "So it's true." Eddie shakes his head angrily. "Let me explain," I begin, but Eddie shakes his head. "How could you not tell me you talked to him?" The anger in Eddie's face turns to hurt. I hate myself sometimes. "I'm sorry," is all I can think of saying. "What right did you have to interfere with my relationship like that?" Eddie asks. "Someone had to," I rationalize. "You weren't going to do anything about it." "He was going to turn things around," Eddie says. "He promised me that he was going to-" I can't hear this anymore. Now I'm angry because I've heard this too many times in the past. "Who are you kidding?!" I explode. I'm so tired of hearing him defend River. "He's told you that same thing for the past six years!" "It was going to be different this time," Eddie says. "And now I'll never know what could have been because of you!" "You know what would have happened!" I shoot back heatedly. "He would have fucked up again and you would have come crying to me and then you would go back to him like some weak little-" "Weak? That's how you see me?" Eddie asks. I said so much in the heat of the moment that I suddenly realize what it was I said. I cover my mouth and shake my head. I take a deep breath before saying, "That didn't come out right." "Wow," Eddie quietly says. "And this is coming from my so-called best friend." He lightly pounds his fist against the door-frame. "Wait Eddie. Come inside so we can talk," I plead. I move out of the way from my front door so he can enter, but he turns his back to me. "Sorry to have bothered you," he says. He then turns back to me. "I might not be the strongest guy, but at least after my relationship with River ended, I've begun to put myself out there. Things with Dell can potentially go somewhere and it's because I was strong enough to get back out there. It takes a certain amount of strength to do that and look at you. You're last girlfriend broke off your engagement and you haven't been able to date since. So tell me, who's the real weak one?" He walks away angrily. Just when I thought I couldn't feel any shittier. ****RIVER**** I'm sitting down with my laptop on my lap looking up my bank statement online. I only have eight hundred dollars left in my checking account. With the check Eddie gave me, I'll have enough for the next two month's rent. That gives me time to find a job. I can do that. While I'm online, I look up unicorns. I come across a website that defines unicorns as `creatures that often symbolize loneliness due to their wild and untamable nature which often leads them to solitude. However, it is said that they also grace and hope due to their unique nature.' That definition sticks with me. Hope. I look down at the check from Eddie. I may be the lonely unicorn, but maybe that's a good thing because it also means that there's hope for me. Maybe I can make it after all. ************************************************************************* To Be Continued... 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