Date: Sun, 27 Dec 2009 10:58:01 -0800 (PST) From: K. <ilj4ever44@yahoo.com> Subject: Goodbye Love- part 7 Copyright and Disclaimer: 1. This is a fictional story with fictional characters. 2. No one is to steal this story under any circumstances. 3. This story deals with relationships and not sex, so if you're looking for a story with a lot of sex in it, this isn't the story for you. Hey everyone! Well, as I had mentioned when I first wrote this story, this was going to be a very limited story. I originally intended for it to be about five chapters so now writing chapter seven is a surprise to me. I thought I'd be able to write a couple more chapters, but things have been very hectic right now that I don't have to time to write as much as I would like. So this is the final chapter for `Goodbye Love.' Sorry to cut the story short, but I'd rather end it now and give it a resolution than not have time and leave the story unresolved. I hope you all enjoy this final chapter and thank you so much for reading. It means a lot to read the many e-mails I've gotten from readers. I might come back to this story and write another chapter here and there, but for now this is it. I hope you all enjoy and thanks again for reading! It means the world to me! Here's the final chapter, titled, `Goodbye Love' `GOODBYE LOVE' FALL ****EDDIE**** Jonathan and I rush into the hospital and go up to the check-in counter of the emergency room. "My sister was just admitted, she was in an accident." "What's her name?" The nurse asked as she sits down in front of her computer. "Holly Gilmore." I nervously tap my fingers on the counter as I impatiently wait for the nurse to give me a status of my sister. The nurse types my sister's name in the computer. "The doctor's still with her. If you'd like to take a seat in the waiting room someone will be with you shortly to give you an update," the nurse informs us. "That's it?" I asks in frustration. "That's all you can tell us?" "For now. Yes." She gives us a sympathetic smile. "Someone will be with you soon." "That's not good enough!" I pound my fist in frustration. I feel Jonathan grab me by the shoulders and pull me back. "I'm sorry," he says to the nurse. "He's just upset. We'll be in the waiting room." He pulls me away from the counter. "You have to try and calm down." "Calm down?" I ask. "Holly was just in an accident. I can't calm down!" "Eddie!" Mom calls out my name as Jonathan and I enter the waiting room. Her and my dad are both sitting together looking as worried as us. "Jonathan! So good to see you." "Hey Cheryl," Jonathan gives my mom a hug. My dad gets up from his seat and gives Jonathan a hug. "When did you guys get here?" I ask giving them a hug. "A few minutes ago," Mom says. "We saw the whole accident." "It was all my fault," Dad blames himself, shaking his head. "Her and I got into a big argument and she stormed out of the hotel. I started to follow her and she ran across the street without looking and got hit. The car was going at least 40 miles per hour." "It's not your fault Dad," I give him a big hug. "It was an accident. She'll be okay." "It's not just her though," Dad says. "What about the baby?" "Baby?" Jonathan asks. "What baby?" I tense up when I look at Jonathan. Shit. This is not how Holly wanted him to find out. Mom and Dad both are surprised that he doesn't know. "Well I guess you were bound to find out eventually, but Holly's pregnant," Mom tells him. "She just told us tonight." "How far along?" Jonathan asks. "A little over a month or so," Mom replies. "I'm surprised she didn't tell you." "Yeah...me too," Jonathan gives me a look that could freeze water. "Eddie, can I talk to you for a second?" "I think we should wait for the doctor," I try to get out of it. "It won't take long," He tells me. "Come on." My parents look at him and I suspiciously. "Everything okay?" Mom asks. "Fine," Jonathan says. "I just need to talk to Eddie real quick." He grabs my arm and we walk outside of the hospital. He quickly turns to face me, "Is it mine?" "Jonathan, this is something you and Holly should talk about," I say. "Eddie, tell me the truth," He says angrily. "Is it mine?" I look around, wanting to be anywhere but in this situation. Realizing that I have no other choice I reply, "Yes." "How long have you known?" He asks. "A couple weeks," I reply. "A couple weeks?!" Jonathan exclaims angrily. "And you didn't tell me?!" "It wasn't my place and we weren't speaking for a week," I remind him. "You're my best friend," Jonathan says, I can see the hurt in his eyes. "I'm sorry," I don't know what else to say. "But it wasn't my business to tell you. This situation is between you and Holly. You have to understand that, right?" "I can't even begin to wrap my head around this," Jonathan runs his hands through his hair. "You should go back in the waiting room. I need to walk." "I'll go with you." "I'd rather be alone. Call me when you find out anything about Holly," he says before talking off down the street by himself. I watch him go. He looks so small and defeated. ****JONATHAN**** I don't even know what to think right now. I feel as if the world is spinning. In the past two minutes I found out that not only is the woman I love in critical condition, but my baby is too. Holly's pregnant! I still can't believe this. How can she be pregnant and not tell me? I know she's angry at me, but this is news that I have a right to know. I look around me, cars are driving by, people are walking along the streets happily. How I wish things weren't so messed up right now. I spot a local diner across the street that's still open and head in there to collect my thoughts. ****EDDIE**** I go back to the waiting room and sit with Mom and Dad. "Where did Jonathan go?" Dad asks. "He had to take a walk and calm down. He's pretty upset," I reply. "Are you going to tell us what's really going on?" Mom gives me a knowing look. What is it with parents? They can always tell when something is up or when their kids are trying to keep something from them. "I'd rather not," a sheepish smile comes to my face. I can tell they are going to grill me until I tell them the truth, but thankfully the doctor comes up to us. "Are you Holly Gilmore's family?" the doctor asks as she approaches us. "Yes," Dad answers. "How is she?" "She's going to be okay. She has a few broken ribs and bruising, but she'll recover," the doctor tells us. "And the baby?" Mom asks. The doctor hesitates a moment before continuing, "Unfortunately, we couldn't save the baby. I'm so sorry." "Oh God," I sigh. "Does she know?" "Yes." The doctor gives us a sympathetic nod. "Would you like to see her?" "Yes," Dad says quickly, tears in his eyes. "You guys go. I'm going to go get Jonathan," I tell them and walk outside. I take out my cell phone and try calling him, but he doesn't answer. I look around the hospital entrance, but I don't see him anymore. Not knowing what else to do, I start walking down the direction I saw him take off when we talked a few minutes earlier. I look around but don't see him anymore. I take out my phone again and try to call, but once more, no response. I'm about to give up and head back to see Holly when I spot him through the window of a small diner across the street. He's sitting alone at a booth holding a cup of coffee. I run across the street and go inside and sit down with him. "I tried calling," I say gently. "I didn't feel like talking." He looks into his cup of coffee. He seems so hurt and upset. "Did you see the doctor?" "Yeah," I reply. "Holly will be okay." "Good," He quietly responds. "And the baby?" I hate to be the one to tell him. I reach out and take his hand, "I'm sorry." He doesn't answer. He nods his head slowly and even though he's still looking down at the table, I notice a small tear discreetly make it's way down his cheek. Thirty minutes later, the two of us make our way back to the hospital and go to Holly's room. As we go in, my parents get up from their seats and head towards us. "We'll give you three some privacy," Mom says as she gives my arm a gentle squeeze. "Holly told us everything." She looks over at Jonathan and gently kisses him on the cheek. "I'm so sorry sweetie." My dad places his hand on Jonathan's shoulder and gives him a sympathetic nod. It seems all is forgiven between everyone. It's horrible, but I guess it's true that nothing brings people together like tragedy. After my parents leave the room, Jonathan slowly walks over to Holly's bedside where she is curled up on her side and crying softly. The two don't say anything, there are no words that need to be said. Carefully, Jonathan gets into bed with her and holds her closely as the two quietly mourn the loss of their unborn baby. WINTER ****JONATHAN**** Things are much better. Time has passed. Forgiveness has been given. It wasn't easy, but Holly and I made it past the darkness. Her and I seem to be in a good place. Eddie and I are doing some Christmas shopping together, both of us seem to be having a hard time figuring out what to get Holly. "I was going to get her some new photo equipment, but she said she didn't need any more right now," Eddie says as we slowly walk around the mall. "She's the hardest to shop for every year and what's worst is that she always gets us the best gifts." "Tell me about it," I groan. "She never fails to give me something that I love. I want to get her something really special this year. After everything we've been through, I want this Christmas to be the best ever for her." "I'm glad you two are friends again," Eddie tells me for the hundredth time since Thanksgiving. "It's nice that the three of us can all be together again." "Four of us now," I correct him, referring to Dell. "What are you getting Dell for Christmas?" "I don't know," Eddie moans in frustration. "This is our first Christmas so I want to get him something special, but we haven't been dating for very long so I don't want to get him something too extravagant." "I'm sure he'll like whatever you get him," I point out. "Dude, how about a book of art?" "A book?" Eddie looks unconvinced that it would be a good gift. "You think a book will be a special gift?" "A book about art," I emphasize the `art' part, "It shows you know him." "Wouldn't it seem a bit impersonal though?" Eddie asks. "It would be such a conventional gift to get an artist." "I see your point," I realize. We walk by a jewelry store and a sparkling ring in the window display catches my eye. I grab Eddie by the arm and stop, "Hold on a second." "What is it?" I walk to the window and gaze at a 1.5 carat round brilliant cut diamond, in a platinum trellis setting (working at an auction house has made me quite an expert on jewelry). It's beautiful, feminine, and simple. It's type of understated elegance that I can see Holly wearing. "That's beautiful." "You're not serious," Eddie looks at me doubtfully. "Are you thinking of proposing to Holly?" "No," I tell him. "I just think it's a great ring." "Jonathan," Eddie knows I'm not telling him the truth. I try to cover it, "Eddie, what you said last month was true. I'm still not over my failed engagement with Amanda. Why would I be thinking about proposing to Holly?" "You sure?" Eddie asks. "Positive. Come on, lets go find something you can get Dell," I say moving him along. As we walk off, I glance back at the ring and can't help but wonder... ****DELL**** I'm working on a new series of paintings that I'm going to debut in the spring. Ever since Eddie and I have started dating, I've been painting a lot. It sounds ridiculously cheesy, but he's become my muse. He inspires me every day. Since Thanksgiving, him and I have taken things steadily and have been very careful in moving our relationship forward at a comfortable pace. I like where it's at now. I've noticed that when things have gotten too serious, is when I tend to runaway and I don't want to do that with him. "Hey." Ella walks into my apartment and casually sits down on the sofa next to me. "How's the painting going?" "Good," I reply. "Each painting represents a different season. Cool, huh?" "Very," Ella answers. "So who were you on the phone with earlier this morning when I stopped by?" "Some gallery in the bay area," I answer. "Oh? What did that want?" Ella asks. "The owner was down here for my last opening and wanted to offer me a space in her gallery," I reply. "That's great, right?" Ella asks. "Yeah, but it's not a good time now. Things are just starting to get serious with Eddie," I reply. "Yeah, but can't you just send your pieces up to her and stay down here?" Ella asks. "She wanted to discuss making part of her gallery a vanity gallery for my pieces," I reply. "For that I would need to rent the space and keep it up. She essentially wants to go into business with me." "So you'd have to move up there," Ella nods her head understandingly. "Exactly," I reply. "But that sounds like a great opportunity for you," Ella says. "I know you don't want to leave Eddie, but-" "It's an amazing opportunity," I cut her off, "But it's just not for me. I don't like being tied down anywhere. I always say, I'll stay somewhere as long as it feels right. When the time comes, I'll move on." "If you say so," Ella shrugs. "Where's Eddie?" "Christmas shopping." "Have you gotten him anything yet?" Ella asks. "No," I reply. "I have no idea what he would want. Got any ideas?" "Why don't you paint something for him?" Ella asks. I shake my head. "I've already done that. I want to get him something special." "He hasn't mentioned anything he wanted?" Ella asks. I shake my head again. "Not that I can think of." "Well come on," Ella sits up on my sofa, determined to help me figure out a good gift idea. "There has to be something. What is he interested in?" "Besides me?" I joke. I begin to think about different interests he has, "He likes the arts; paintings, drawings, theatre, music..." "How about a-" Ella begins, but I quickly cut her off. "I've got it!" ****HOLLY**** The doctors, my parents, Eddie and Jonathan all tell me to take it one day at a time. It feels so unreal still. I touch my stomach, the stomach that was once growing a baby inside and now there's nothing. Everyone thinks I've moved on and have been letting myself heal, but every night I still cry myself to sleep. I wasn't pregnant long, but for that brief period of time I fell in love with that child, my child. It's as if I was about to meet the love of my life and in an instant that love was taken away from me. I've tried talking to Jonathan about it once and while he was sad, he admitted that because he didn't know about the baby until it was too late, he didn't have a chance to form a bond the way I did. I understand that. I can't blame him for not having those feelings for the baby. It's my fault. I didn't tell him about it. However, I wish that he could understand what I was going through, I wish someone could understand. I feel as if I'm going through all of this on my own. Since that night, it's been hard for me to focus on anything. My work has suffered, it's hard for me to take photographs when I can't focus on anything. While Jonathan and I have forgiven one another, I can't get myself to think about being with him again, not because I don't care anymore, but because all I think about is my baby. What would the baby have looked like? Who's eyes would she have had, mine or Jonathan's? Would she be adventurous like Jonathan and go on wild adventures or would she be into photography like me? Would her hair be long and dark like mine or would she have wavy blonde hair like Jonathan? So many questions I'll never get an answer to. I don't even know why I think it would have been a girl, it's just a feeling I guess. Maybe it would have been a boy... "Stop it!" I tell myself as I look out the window in my living room at the busy streets below me. Everyone is coming home from work, getting Christmas presents, going out with friends, all of them seem to be so happy. I feel like no one knows what kind of pain I'm going through. My thoughts are thankfully interrupted by a knocking on my door. I open the door and greet a smiling Eddie who gives me a hug. "Hey sis." "Hi," I reply acting as normal as possible. I don't want my depression to bring down him or Jonathan for the holidays. "What's up? I thought you were shopping with Jonathan." "I was. He's parking the car right now. He'll be up in a minute," Eddie says as he goes into the kitchen and begins to fuss around with the coffee maker. "You want some coffee?" "Sure," I answer as I go to the cabinet next to him and hand him three coffee cups. "So how was the shopping?" "Okay," Eddie says as he hops up on the counter and waits for the coffee to brew, "I got a nice dress shirt for Dad and I got Mom a bottle of her favorite perfume. I'll just make the gifts from both of us." "Thanks," I smile gratefully. "I haven't really been feeling up for Christmas shopping yet." "Everything okay?" Eddie asks, looking at me with concern. "I'm fine." I dismiss with a wave of my hand. "I'm just...busy with work." "Hey," Jonathan walks into the kitchen. He comes straight to me and gives me a tender hug. "How are you?" "I'm great," I reply. "So did you get me something good?" "You'll have to wait for Christmas," Jonathan smiles. "Holl, I wanted your advice on my gift for Dell," Eddie says as he pours each of us a cup of coffee. He hands Jonathan and I a cup before continuing, "I got him a blank canvas and some paint brushes. What do you think?" "That seems...nice," I answer, but truthfully add, "A little bit impersonal though." "I knew it," Eddie shakes his head. "Why is this so difficult?" "Don't over think it," I tell him, "The best gifts are the most meaningful ones. Think back to something you guys did when you first met, maybe you'll get an idea from that." Eddie looks down into his cup of coffee, thinking of a good gift idea. I look over at Jonathan who gives me a gentle smile. "What have you been up to today?" "Work," I lie, not wanting him to know that I've just been sitting and looking out my window all day. "Do you want to grab dinner tonight?" Jonathan asks. "It's been a while since you and I have done anything, just the two of us." "You know, I would but I'm really busy with work. Rain check?" I ask with an apologetic smile. "Of course," Jonathan nods. He then adds, "I just miss you." I smile softly, not too sure how to respond. "I've got it!" Eddie exclaims excitedly. "What?" Jonathan and I ask. He beams at us, "I know what to get Dell. Holl, can I borrow your camera?" "Um...sure," I reply. "What are you going to do?" "You're not going to take dirty photos of yourself and give them to him, are you?" Jonathan jokes. "No, jackass," Eddie retorts. "I'll show you guys when I'm done." Jonathan and I both exchange a look with one another, both curious as to what Eddie has planned. ****EDDIE**** Christmas Eve, Jonathan, Holly, and Dell have come over to my place for dinner. It's been a nice evening. Holly seems to be in a good mood. She's told us that she's fine, but there's been a sadness in her face ever since the accident. Hopefully the holidays have helped to cheer her up. After dinner, the four of us are now sitting in the living room, drinking eggnog and hot chocolate (for Holly). Dell turns on some Christmas music and `White Christmas' comes on. He casually begins to softly sing the song as he walks back to the sofa and sits down next to me and our fingers intertwine. As he continues to sing, I can't help but think about River. I remember my first Christmas with him... It was six years ago and River and I were spending out first Christmas together as a couple. I invited him over to spend the holidays with my family since he didn't have any family to spend it with. My parents were great with him when he came over that holiday. He had stopped drinking a week before. It was the first time he tried to give up drinking for me. It was really important for me that he make a good impression on my parents and I knew if he was drinking that a good impression would be impossible for him. "We love him," Mom whispered in my ear as she was passed us all around a plate of cookies. We were sitting together in the living room and River brought his guitar to sing. "...Where the treetops glisten, and children listen to hear sleigh bells in the snow," he sang as he strummed on his guitar. "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, with every Christmas card I write..." I looked over at my Dad and Holly who were both nodding in approval. This was the first time Holly met him as well and she was so far impressed. "You sing beautifully," Mom said as he finished the song and set his guitar down. "Thank you," River answered with a shy smile. "Would you like some wine?" Mom offered lifting up a red wine bottle. "Oh no thanks," River answered much to my relief. "I'll just stick to my water." "Thank you," I said quietly to him. He reached over and held my hand. "So you two met in class?" Dad asked. "Yeah, in our political science class," River elaborated. "Eddie tried ignoring me." "He's always like that in class," Holly laughed. "Yeah, but I wore him down," River gave me a sweet smile. "Let's open gifts," Mom said as she went to the Christmas tree and picked some presents up and began to hand them out. I joined her and picked up a gift for River. "Here you go," I said handing him the present. "Thanks babe," River smiled. He opened up the gift and pulled out a red jacket that I saw him looking at when we were shopping a couple weeks before. "You got it!" River beamed. "Yup," I replied. "You like it?" "I love it," River said. "Thank you." He gives me a kiss. I remember that Christmas as being a time where I'd never been more in love with him. He was so charming, kind and friendly. Now I don't know where he is or how he's surviving. I look outside my window and just pray that he's okay. "Everything okay?" Dell asks, giving me a hug. "I'm fine," I nod. "I'm just going to get myself something to drink. I'll be right back." I go into the kitchen where Holly is sitting at the kitchen table with her back to me. "Hey Holl, what you doing in here?" "Eddie! I didn't hear you come in." Her back is still facing me and I see her run her hands across her face. I look at her suspiciously and move where I can see her face. Her eyes are red and her mascara is running down her face. "Holly, what's wrong?" I ask. I sit down at the table with her. "It's nothing," Holly sighs. "It's stupid." "Come on. Talk to me," I encourage her. Holly takes a deep breath, "Really, I'm fine. I don't want to talk about it." I give her a concerned look, hoping she'll talk to me. I know what's wrong, but I don't want to push it. She'll talk about it when she's ready to talk about it. "So how are things with you and Dell?" Holly asks, changing the subject. "Really good," I reply. "But is it bad that I was just thinking about River?" "You were?" Holly cringes her face. "Why?" "I don't know," I reply. "I sometimes think about him and wonder how he's doing." ****DELL**** I head towards the kitchen to check on Eddie, but I stop myself at the wall by the kitchen entrance when I overhear what he's saying. "But is it bad that I was just thinking about River?" I hear him say. "You were?" Holly asks. "Why?" "I don't know. I sometimes think about him and wonder how he's doing," He answers. In that moment, I realize, he'll never be over him. River was such a big part of his life that he's not ready to move on yet. The relationship him and I have now may end up being nothing more than a rebound for him. I walk away from the kitchen and back into the living room with Jonathan. "Everything okay?" Jonathan asks. "Yeah," I nod. "Excuse me. I have to make a quick phone call." I leave the room again. ****EDDIE**** "So do you still have feelings for River?" Holly asks. "Not romantic feelings," I explain. "But I still think about him and hope he's okay. I know you don't think much of him, but he is a good guy. I just hope he gets the help he needs." "So you're not hoping to be with him again one day?" Holly asks. "Not at all," I shake my head. "Being with Dell is great. I feel so much more relaxed with him. It's the best relationship I've ever been in." "I'm glad to hear it," Holly smiles. "I really like him." "Me too," I beam. "Come on, let's open gifts," Holly says getting up from her seat. "You sure you're okay?" I ask. "I'm fine," she insists grabbing my hand and pulling me out of the kitchen. We enter the living room where Jonathan is sitting by himself drinking eggnog by himself. "Where's Dell?" I ask sitting down next to him. "He had to make a phone call," Jonathan answers. He reaches out his hand to Holly who sits on the other side of him and holds his hand. He notices that her eyes are red. "You okay?" "I'm fine," Holly insists. "Let's open gifts." She gets up again and goes to the tree to hand out gifts. Dell comes back and joins us, I scoot over on the couch so he can sit next to me, but he opts to sit on a foot stool next to the couch instead. "Here Dell," Holly hands him a few gifts. "Thanks," Dell replies. He leans over to me and says quietly, "I need to talk to you when you get a chance." "Okay," I nod. "Something important?" "Yeah," Dell replies. "Pretty important." "Well, let's talk now. We'll open gifts when we come back," I say standing up and turning to Holly, "You and Jonathan open gifts. We'll be right back." ****JONATHAN**** Dell and Eddie leave the living room and go outside, leaving Holly and I alone together. She hands me an envelope with `Jonathan' written in her hand-writing on the envelope. Holly has always been the best at gift-giving. She's always been very observant over what I need or want. Last year I made a comment to her about a leather jacket I liked when we were shopping in August. I didn't think much about it, it was expensive and couldn't afford it, then months later, for Christmas, she got it for me. Another year, she got me some new hiking shoes because she noticed mine were beginning to wear down. She never fails to impress Eddie and I with her gift-giving skills. I open the envelope and am excited to see what she got me...what did she get that's so small it fits in an envelope? "I'll be honest, I wasn't sure what you wanted," Holly says. "I'm sure I'll love it," I reply as I take the card out of the envelope. It's a simple Christmas card with a Christmas tree on the front and snow falling around it. I open the card up and am surprised when I see a little plastic card fall out. I pick up the card and see that it's a gift card for a sporting good store near my place. "I figure you can get something you want," Holly shrugs. "Oh thanks," I reply giving her a polite smile. I'm a little surprised, it's not that I don't like the gift card, but usually she puts a little more thought into the gift. She has been insisting that she's fine since the accident, but this really makes me curious that she's not. ****EDDIE**** "So what's up?" I ask as we go outside my apartment complex and walk towards a nearby park. "Well, a couple weeks ago I got a call from Nelly Porter, she owns a really prominent gallery in the bay area," Dell begins. "Oh?" I'm not sure where he's going to go with this. "What did she want?" "She...offered me a space in her gallery," Dell answers. "To showcase some of your work?" "Kinda. She offered me a space to rent to have a permanent gallery," I reply. "That's great, right?" I ask. I'm not too familiar with the way things work in the art world, but it seems like a good offer. He can have his own space where he can send his work to sell. He'll no longer have to go from gallery to gallery looking for one interested in showcasing his work. It all sounds ideal. "It is great," Dell says. "It's an incredible offer. I've finally making enough money off of my paintings to afford a space and to have one with such a great gallery is a dream, but there's a catch." I sigh, I figured something wasn't right with this, "What is it?" "Well, it would involve me running my part of the gallery," Dell explains. "Which means-" "Wait," I interrupt him, "Are you telling me that you're going to... move up to the bay area?" Dell is quiet for a few moments before silently nodding his head. This takes some time for me to absorb. I sit quietly and nod my head slowly, trying to comprehend all of this. "So...you're leaving." "Yeah," Dell replies. "I just got off the phone with her. I'm going to move up after the new year." I feel as if my heart is being torn out of my chest. Just like that, he's leaving. I should have seen this coming. He's told me about his history of moving from one place to the next. I should have known this was going to happen. I thought maybe I'd be enough for him to stay, but I guess not. "Well...congratulations." ****DELL**** That's it? `Well congratulations' is all he can say? I guess I was right. He isn't over River. When he was rushing things at Thanksgiving that should have been a big enough hint to me that he wasn't ready to date someone else yet, not while he's still hung up on his old boyfriend. "Thanks," is all I can think of replying to him. "Well, I just wanted to tell you in private." "I appreciate it," Eddie replies, his demeanor stiffening. "Should we go back inside?" "Sure," I answer. The two of us slowly head back inside. We join Holly and Jonathan in the living room who have already finished opening up their gifts. "Dell, thank you for the sweater," Holly says holding it up. "I love it. That's so sweet of you." "You're welcome," I smile back at her. "And thanks for the art history book," Jonathan adds. "This will come in handy at work." "Yeah, it's a great book and when I found out you worked at an auction house I thought you would enjoy it," I say. "Well you two open up your gifts," Holly says. "Kinda pointless now," Eddie says under his breath as he picks up my gift to him. It's a little box wrapped with a red bow. He opens up the box where a little slip of paper on it reads, `one song.' He hold up the piece of paper confused. I give a half-smile, my gift to him seems pretty stupid now. "I brought my guitar to sing you a song that I learned, but if you don't want to hear it it's fine." "Why wouldn't he? Let's hear it," Jonathan insists. "I didn't know you played guitar." "Not very well," I reply. "But I can play a little." "Well let's hear it," Holly says. "I didn't even notice you bring a guitar," Eddie says. "Yeah, I left it in the hallway when I came here and then when you weren't looking I snuck it into your room," I tell him. "Go get it," Jonathan says. "You sure?" I ask looking at Eddie. "Yeah, sure," he shrugs indifferently. I get up and grab the guitar in his room and come back into the living room and strum a little bit to tune the guitar. "Okay, don't judge me cause I'm not that good. But I know you like music a lot and thought you might enjoy this a little." ****EDDIE**** He's going to play me a song? Is he trying to make me more upset that he's leaving? It's the perfect gift and it all seems pointless now that he's going away. I can't believe I'm losing another person I lov- No! I won't say it. "When I heard this song it seemed like the perfect song for you. After I learned to play it, I realized that it has duel meanings. There's something a little sad about it now, but anyway, it's called `All I Want for Christmas,'" Dell introduces the song. He then begins to strum on his guitar and song, "Snow falls slow in the moonlight. Children merrily play. All that I want for Christmas, is to give my love away. Off in the distance their singing. Choirs of carolers sway. All that I want for Christmas, is to give my love away...." As he sang the song, I understood why he said it has duel meanings. It seems to me that the song can be about giving your love to someone because of how much you care about them, or that you're giving your love away because don't want it. It seems that now the song is taking on the latter meaning. Him and I are saying goodbye to one another. ****HOLLY**** Listening to the song, I look over at Jonathan and feel my eyes well up with tears. This song is beautiful. I would want nothing more than to be with him, but it hurts. Whenever I see him, I see the baby that we almost had, the baby that I lost. I slowly feel my heart break. Jonathan looks over at me and gives me a loving smile. ****JONATHAN**** "All that I want for Christmas is to give my love away," Dell sings. I feel this song perfectly captures what I feel for Holly. I know I was scared before, but after everything we've gone through, it's made me realize just how much I love her and want to be with her. I've tried bringing it up to her, but she seems to dismiss the topic. I know she's still interested, but I also know there are other things she's going through that's keeping her from pursuing anything with me. I know it has to do with the accident, but she doesn't want to deal with it yet. I can't force her. All I can do is wait patiently. I look over at her and see her looking at me. Her eyes are glistening. Tears maybe? I smile tenderly at her, trying to silently assure her that I'll wait for her. I don't think now is a good time to give her my Christmas gift. I discreetly take the small wrapped gift and put it in my pocket. ****DELL**** "...At last you appear on my doorstep. The mistletoes waited all day. All that I want for Christmas is to give my love away. Snow falls slow in the moonlight. Children merrily play. All that I want for Christmas is to give my love away. All that I want for Christmas is to give my love away." I finish singing before setting my guitar down. "That was great," Holly says standing up. "Excuse me." She hurries out of the room. "I'm going to go check on her," Jonathan gets up and follows after her. Eddie and I both look awkwardly at one another, neither one sure what to say. "I liked the song," Eddie says. "Thank you." "You're welcome." He gestures to his gift for me. "Do you want to open yours?" "Yeah," I reply taking the gift-wrapped box and tearing at the paper. I open up the box and find a framed picture inside it. It's a black and white photograph of the Santa Monica pier. It's a really beautiful shot. "Did you take this photo yourself?" "Yeah," Eddie nods his head, "I borrowed Holly's camera. I took a picture of the pier since that's where we went when-" "We first hung out together," I finish his sentence. "I remember." That's a really thoughtful gift. Am I making a mistake by leaving? ****HOLLY**** I go outside to get some fresh air. Being inside was making me feel claustrophobic. I feel the tears streaming down my face. "You okay?" Jonathan approaches, gently touching my bare arms. He takes his jacket off and wraps it around me. "It's cold out." "Jonathan," I sign looking up at the dark sky. "I'm such a mess." "No you're not," Jonathan replies, he stands behind me and tightly wraps his arms around my waist and nuzzles his head into my neck. "You're sad and it's okay to be sad. I'm sad too." "I wake up every morning and for split second I think it was all just a bad dream," I say. His hand his touching my stomach and I place my hand over his as we both feel where a baby was once growing inside me. "The worst part of it, is that I didn't even want the baby at first. I thought of her as some huge mistake and now I'd give anything to have her back. "You think it was a girl?" Jonathan asks. "Yeah," I nod my head as I wipe tears from my face. "I sometimes sit and think what she might have looked like. I think she would have had your blonde hair, my eyes and nose, and your lips. She would have been such a beautiful baby." "She would have," Jonathan sighs gently kissing the back of my head. "She would have been amazing." "I'm so sorry," I shake my head sadly. "Why are you apologizing?" Jonathan asks. "If I did things differently, this never would have happened," I explain. "Shhhh," he quietly whispers in my ear. "Don't talk that way. You did nothing wrong." We both stand quietly together, he continues to hold me tightly in his arms. For the first time in a long time I feel a little bit better. ****EDDIE**** Later that night, Holly and Jonathan have gone home leaving me alone with Dell. "You don't have to help me clean," I say as he carries some dirty dishes into the kitchen with me. "I know you have a lot of packing to do." "I guess I do," he says. "You sure you don't need any help?" "I'm fine." Truth is, I just don't want him around right now. If he's leaving me then he better just do it now instead of making it harder. "Eddie, can I ask you something?" Jonathan says as he sets the dirty dishes in the sink. "Sure," I reply. "What is it?" "I get these mixed signals from you. I over hear you saying how you still think about River and then you go and give me a really thoughtful Christmas present," Dell says. "What's the deal?" "What?" I ask surprised by what he said, "When did I say I was thinking about River?" "I heard you in here earlier talking to Holly," Dell explains. "Seriously? This again?" I ask. "How many times do I have to tell you that I don't have feelings for River anymore." "You say that, but do you mean it?" Jonathan asks. "Be honest with yourself. You're telling me that you are one-hundred percent over him?" "Yes," I insist. "Why don't you believe me?" "It's hard to believe it when you tell Holly that you still think about him," Dell points out. "So you're telling me that you don't wonder about any of your ex-boyfriends?" I ask. "You don't wonder how they are?" "Of course I do, but you were-" He begins but I cut him off. "Then what's the big deal?" I ask. "The big deal is that you were with him for so long," Dell replies. "It's hard for me to believe that you're completely over him." "Well I am and if you don't believe me then maybe it's a good thing you're leaving," I tell him. "That's another thing," He says. "You didn't even try to stop me from going." "Well it's obviously a pattern for you, isn't it?" I ask. "You've moved around so much, I figure I'm just like all your other boyfriends. You're bored and moving on." "God! You don't get it do you?" Dell asks exasperated. "Get what?" I ask. He throws his hands up in the air, "I've never been like this with a guy. I've never been jealous like this. Being with you has been completely different than any other guy. Part of me wants to leave because I'm not used to feeling this way." "What are you saying?" I ask. "I love you dammit!" he says to me for the first time. He takes a deep breath rubs his hands over his face. "I feel like such a moron. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to blurt that out." "Shut up," I tell him so he can let me absorb what he just said. We've never exchanged `I love you' with one another. I know it's a little juvenile to make a big deal out of it when you're my age, but it is a big deal, isn't it? I take a couple steps towards him to close the gap between us and I take his hands in mine. "I love you." "Do you really?" He asks. "Yes," I laugh. "And I promise, I don't have feelings for River. Do you believe me?" He nods his head and hugs me tightly, "I'm sorry." "Me too," I reply. He then leans his head in and kisses me. We kiss for a bit, but I pull away to ask, "Are you still leaving?" "No, I'm not leaving," He answers. "I finally found a reason to stay somewhere for good." He kisses me and again tells me, "I love you." ****JONATHAN**** "Thanks for taking me home," Holly says taking her jacket off as we walk into her living room. "Of course," I reply. "You okay?" "I will be," Holly replies giving me a small smile. She sits down on the sofa and lays her head back on a pillow. I sit down next to her. "Not our best Christmas, huh?" I ask. "We've had better," Holly lightly laughs. "I'm sorry about your gift. I know it was shit. I didn't even leave the apartment to do any shopping until yesterday." "It's okay," I laugh. "Gift cards are always useful." "Yeah, but it's so impersonal," Holly replies. "You never opened my gift," I tell her as I hand her a small wrapped box I pulled out of my jacket pocket. "That's right, huh?" Holly realizes as she takes the gift. "Thank you." "I got it for you and then at Eddie's I decided it wasn't the best time to give it to you, but after our time together we spent earlier tonight talking about the accident it suddenly felt like the right gift," I explain. "It felt as if we've hit a reset button and can start where we should have started long ago." She takes the box and unwraps it to reveal a small black velvet jewelry box. She looks up at me questionably before slowly opening the box. "Oh my God." She pulls out the diamond ring that I got her. The same ring I was looking at when Eddie and I went Christmas shopping. "Holly, I love you," I say getting down on one knee in front of her. "Jonathan," Holly shakes her head nervously. "Wait, let me finish," I say. "I know this seems out of the blue and completely inappropriate right now, but there's something about this that feels so right. We've never gone out on a date, we've only slept together once and had a pretty shitty fall-out, but if you think about it, this has been a lifetime in the making. You and I have grown up together flirting and falling in love with one another." "But Jonathan-" she begins to protest, but I stop her. "Wait, please. This whole shitty period you and I went through made me realize that I've loved you my whole life. I never told you or Eddie this, but Amanda broke off our engagement because she saw that there was something between us that she'd never be able to compete with. It's something that is stronger than any of us. You know we belong together. All you have to do is say yes." Holly doesn't reply right away, she takes her time to let this all absorb. Finally after what felt like hours, but was probably only a couple minutes, she says, "When we first slept together and you acted all weird the next day, I remember hoping you would just say a fraction of what you just said to me now. I didn't think you were even capable of saying what you just said." "I know it's long overdue," I tell her as I take her hand in mine and take the ring and hold it in front of her. "What do you say?" Holly looks at the ring intensely for a moment before looking into my eyes and for the first time in a long time I see a big, genuine smile grow on her face. "Yes." ****EDDIE**** Two months have passed since Christmas and so much has happened. Dell did not leave, in fact, a few weeks ago him and I moved in together. It seems like the engagement ring that Jonathan gave Holly was the right thing she needed to bring her out of the darkness and into the light. She's never been happier and is eagerly planning their wedding (with my help). Tonight is a special night. Dell is having an opening for his latest collection at a nice little gallery in West Hollywood. The turn out is incredible. The gallery owner has never seen anything like it and has spoken to Dell about renting a space (similar to what he was going to do in San Francisco). "This opening is amazing. You did good babe." I smile at Dell and raise my glass of champagne to him, he gives me a tender kiss. I suddenly get the feeling that I'm being watched. I don't know what brought it on, but I just feel someone's eyes are on me. I look around the gallery but everyone I see is paying attention to Dell's art (as they should be). I then look outside the window in the front of the gallery but no one is there, I just see someone bundled up in a red jacket walk by. "You okay?" Dell asks. "I'm great." I give him a kiss. "You happy?" Dell takes my hand in his. "Very," I smile. I look over at Holly and Jonathan who are holding hands and looking at Holly's engagement ring. I can't help but beam. For the first time in years I'm truly happy. ****RIVER**** It's a cold night. I'm lucky I was able to get something to eat from the LA Gay and Lesbian Center. I'm going to stay the night there and we'll see what tomorrow brings. I've been moving around from place to place for the last year. All the money that Eddie had given me is gone now. I have nothing left. I don't know what life will bring me, but I have hope that it'll work out one day. Things will eventually work out. I've accepted that I have a drinking problem. Eddie was right all along, but I was too much of an idiot to really listen. I went to AA meetings and did the rehab thing for him, but I never truly thought I had a problem. Finally hitting rock bottom made me realize how fucked up I was. I hurt him so much because of my problem. But I'm turning it all around. I've gone twenty days without a drink. It's hard, but it's a start and I hope that one day things will be better for me. Walking down the street, I notice a gallery that looks like it's having an exhibit going on. I read the name on the poster out front: `The New Collection by Dell Madison.' I can't help but laugh. Of course it's his opening. I look through the window and see a bunch of people inside dressed up in cocktail attire. I miss being apart of that world. I search among the people until I finally...there he is. There's Eddie. He's holding Dell's hand and smiling. He looks so happy, so relaxed. He used to be happy with me, but I don't think he was ever relaxed when we were together. I never allowed him that. He always had to be on watch making sure I was okay. It looks like he finally found the right guy. I just wish it was me. "Goodbye love," I quietly say. I zip up my red jacket and bundle myself up as much as I can, suddenly feeling so cold and alone and make my way down the quiet street. ************************************************************************** The End With any comments, questions or feedback, please e-mail me at ilj4ever44@yahoo.com. Thanks so much! It means a lot that you've followed this story!