Date: Sun, 27 Jul 2008 21:05:20 -0400
From: montrealormolu@aol.com
Subject: Graduation

They filed across the stage, grinning and posing for their friends and
families. Each of them filled with conflicting emotions and dreams. It was
their final high school appearance; they left here with fond memories and
experiences, and with dark memories and experiences, too. High School was
such a tough time -- for everyone, students, parents and teachers. He
shook hands with yet another graduate as he handed them their diploma, one
after another after another, until they became a blur of faces and names,
and his smile became somewhat stiff and pained.

His emotions were twirling, too. It was his last graduation at this high
school. He was surprised by the confusion of feelings. He looked forward to
the new job, the new career, and yet he found himself remembering this one
with some fondness, even if overlaid with the exasperations and
frustrations of being a public school administrator. It had been
twenty-five years since he first came here, twenty-five long, lonely years.

He shook yet another hand, but this one wouldn't let go. "Thanks,
Mr. Johnson, you've been really important to me." And suddenly he was
enveloped by arms and academic gown. Jeff hugged him tightly, tears
glistening in his eyes. "I wouldn't have made it without you, sir." He
hugged Jeff back, a careful A-frame hug, all that was allowed by Board
policy. He held him perhaps just a shade too long, remembering their
history together, and realizing just how strongly he felt about this
handsome boy. "You did it yourself, Jeff. I just helped by being there."

"No, sir, it was way more than that. But, I'm not going to argue with
you. Thanks." And he was gone, down the stairs and into the crowd. Brian
Johnson turned back to the next person in line, "Congratulations, son, I'm
proud of you." And on, and on. Finally it finished, and he, too, descended
into the crowd, joining them in the gymnasium for refreshments, speaking to
parents, hugging the graduates. He slowly worked his way through the crowd
out to the other end, went through the door and walked down the hall to his
office. He went in and sat down without turning on the lights. He leaned
back in his chair and twirled it around once, looking at the office, seeing
everything without seeing anything, remembering. "I knew I'd find you
here," came out of the darkness. He spun, surprised. "Jeff, what are you
doing here?"

"I knew you'd be here. I knew you were leaving today, after the graduation,
and I wanted to help."

"Shouldn't you be with your friends or family?" Instantly he regretted his
words. He knew that Jeff didn't want to be with his family. He lifted his
hand, as if trying to pluck the words out of the air. "Jeff ..."

"No, Mr. Johnson, I wanted to be here with you, to help you get stuff to
your car and home. Can I help you take stuff out?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"OK."

They started picking up the already-packed boxes. As they reached his car,
he realized he still had on his academic gown. He took it off and stuffed
it into the car. They began piling in the remaining boxes, filling the back
seat and then the trunk. Too soon it was over. They looked at each other.
"Can I come with you and help put them away?" They got into the car and
drove to his house, driving the car into the garage.

"Where do you want them, sir?"

"Jeff, you've graduated and I'm no longer the principal. Why don't you call
me Brian?"

Jeff flushed and looked down. "Yes, sir, I mean, B-B-Brian." He looked up
and smiled, tentatively, trying on adulthood. He reached forward with his
hand and shook Brian's. "Hi, Brian, I'm Jeff." Brian laughed, delighted,
and Jeff's smile got bigger. They began to unload the boxes, putting them
up against the wall of the garage. Brian took his academic robes and shook
them out. "Want to come in for a drink?" He opened the door into the house
and Jeff followed him in. Brian hung up the robes in the closet and led the
way into the kitchen. "What do you want, juice, coke, beer?" Jeff laughed.
"Guess it's OK to offer me a beer now that I'm 18 and graduated. You're not
my teacher anymore." "Nope, I'm not. Want a beer?"  "Yup." Brian took out
two beers and popped the lids. He gave one to Jeff and led the way out onto
the back porch. They sat down together on the porch swing, slowly letting
it move underneath them. An easy silence enveloped them as dusk turned into
darkness.

"Brian, what are you going to do now?"

"Isn't that supposed to be my question?" responded Brian, "After all, I was
the teacher and you are now the new graduate." Jeff looked at him sideways,
noticed the little smile on his face and smiled right back, a big grin
breaking out his own face. "But you're not my teacher anymore; you're a
friend, so I get to ask you the question." Jeff looked at Brian.

"Well, I got offered a job at one of the universities and I accepted. So
I'll be teaching there come the fall."

"Why did you want to change jobs?"

Brian sighed, "It's a long story, but basically I just felt I wanted to
move on. I taught in the public schools for just a little over 20 years and
I was tired." He sighed again, knowing that he couldn't tell Jeff about
being gay, about being alone, and about wanting to stop hiding. He'd loved
being with the kids, but he was kind of tired of only being a surrogate
father; he wanted to be someone's lover, too.

They swung in silence for a while, the shadows deepening, light coming
through the window behind them.

"Brian, I never told you how much I appreciated everything you did for me
in high school, I ...," Jeff ground to a halt, overcome by his own
emotions. Was this a leave-taking? Brian didn't want that. "You were
great. When my dad got so mad at me when I told him, I thought I was going
to kill myself. There didn't seem to be much left to go on for -- my dad
hated me, my boyfriend decided he liked girls better than me, my friends
didn't talk to me -- it was pretty bad. That day in the hall when you
just reached out and hugged me, well, that was the day I'd decided to end
it." He trailed off into the silence, looking down at his hands, sneakers,
anything but at the man sitting beside him, overwhelmed by the memories; he
played with the can in his hands.

"Jeff, look at me." A hand came out of the darkness and grasped his chin,
lifting and turning it towards Brian. "I told you then, and I'll tell you
now; you're a bright, good-looking guy. There's nothing wrong with being
gay. You've got your whole life ahead of you. You'll find some other
bright, good-looking guy at college and the two of you will have a great
life together. Believe that." Brian reached over and hugged Jeff, hard,
trying to communicate through touch that he truly loved Jeff and believed
in him, wanting to take away the hurt he still saw in Jeff's eyes.

Jeff hugged him back, fiercely, the cans of beer having somehow gotten to
the side tables. He wanted Brian to know how he felt, too. Tears started
rolling down his cheek, and the hug turned into something else, something
far more comforting as Brian began stroking his hair and back. As the tears
stopped, Jeff felt Brian's thumb on his cheek, wiping them away. He leaned
back a little and looked Brian in the eyes. "You're going to be OK,
Jeff. You really will. I have faith in you." Jeff felt so safe there, with
Brian's arms around him. Suddenly, he tightened his own arms, leaned
forward and kissed Brian, a deep kiss, an emotion-filled kiss, a kiss
filled with gratitude and thanks, and in a few seconds, an adult kiss.

"Whoa." Brian pulled back and dropped his arms, seeming to retreat into
himself. "Jeff, you're all those things I said, but we can't do this. I'm
your te..." He began to struggle to get away. Jeff pulled him closer, "No,
you're not. We already established that. You're not my teacher anymore. I'm
not your student anymore. I'm over 18 and an adult. And I'm not a virgin. I
know what I want. And I want you." Brian stopped struggling. "Oh, Jeff ..."
he sighed, overcome by his own inner turmoil.

Jeff let go and got up. Then he surprised Brian completely by seating
himself in Brian's lap. "Brian, I've loved you for a long time. But I
thought you were straight, unapproachable. I dreamed about you at night,
and I loved when you paid attention to me at school. Whatever was going on
at home, I knew you were there for me. Somehow, I knew that you loved
me. And it was that which kept me going through all the struggles. I just
didn't know how you felt, and, I just couldn't ask you. But that kiss,
wow. Now I know."

"Jeff, yes, I do love you, but like a father with a son. I'm twenty years
older than you!"

Jeff leaned forward and kissed him again. "Shut-up, old man. If you love me
like a father with a son why is there this big lump under my ass?"

Brian looked at him, shocked. He didn't know whether he was shocked because
this guy, his former student, had just told him to shut-up, or because he'd
called him an old man, or because Jeff was right, there was a big lump
under his ass. He knew deep inside that he had always been attracted to the
kid, but he hadn't let himself think about it. It was wrong, for all sorts
of reasons -- not least of which was because he was so deeply hidden in
his own closet. Jeff laughed aloud. "When was the last time someone told
you to shut-up, old man?"

"I'm not an old man," he weakly responded. "I'm still under 40." Jeff
laughed again, and leaned forward and kissed him, again. Brian's arms came
up and went around Jeff. He pulled Jeff into him and began to kiss him
deeply. Jeff responded with great enthusiasm and delight.

"Now we've both got lumps, Jeff."

"Want to show me the rest of the house?"

"Yes, oh gawd, yes, but I'm not going to."

"Why not?"

"Because this is going to take some getting used to. I need to get to know
you as an adult, I need to get used to thinking of you as an adult. And,
well, I need to get used to being out again."

"Again?"

"Yes, again. I was pretty out back East at college. Then I got this job in
the Mid-west and I quickly went back into the closet. I haven't been
involved with anyone for a long time, and this is going to take some
adjusting."

"So ... ?"

"So, we need to slow down, no, I need to slow down. Can you live with
that?"

"I was kind of hoping we could hurry things up now."

"No. I need to slow down. Can we take the summer to get to know each other
again, as adults instead of teacher and student? Can we just use this
summer to begin to work things out?"

Jeff realized that he was beginning to whine. He shook his head, took a
deep breath. "OK, but I'm not going back to step one. I want to get to know
you -- a lot better." He wriggled his ass against the lump in Brian's
groin. "A lot, lot better." Brian jerked his hips automatically, responding
to the overt stimulation. "OK, Jeff, OK. We'll use the summer to get to
know each other better." Jeff grinned, wriggled and slowly got up. "Good."

It was going to be a long, hot summer.