Date: Tue, 2 Jan 2007 00:45:35 -0500
From: Sam Davies <samsam345@gmail.com>
Subject: "Harvest" Chapter 17:Atonement

Ryan and I sat on the kitchen steps in the back of his house

There was a chill in the morning air, and I could tell by the way that it
smelled that summer's days were numbered. Ryan lit a cigarette  and
inhaled deeply.  His face was like stone; hard and unyielding.  All of
the usual indicators told me that he wasn't really there that morning but
instead wandering the corridors of his mind in deep contemplation. He
closed his eyes slowly and puffed several rings of smoke into the sky.

"It's cold." he said, his focus was fixed on something off in the
distance.

"Yeah, I know. I'm freezing" I agreed.

Just a few weeks earlier we had been in a hot spell the likes of which
had never been seen in our area before.  Now, we were met with the early
onset of autumn.  A cold breeze blew through the surrounding trees before
whipping into the backyard. I shivered and pulled my knees close to my
chest.

We sat in silence for a long time.  With other people the lack of words
would feel terribly awkward, but normally when I was with Ryan I didn't
notice it at all.  We were both just there. No obligations. Today was
different though because I could tell that he was thinking about me. I
wanted to speak but I had nothing to say.

"Hey listen," he said after while, "I don't want you to let this thing
stop you Eric. It's not gonna make your life any easier but don't think
of it as a curse."

"I won't." I replied with an air of certainty.

"Good. I mean, there are gonna be a lot of people trying to push you
backwards every time you take a step forward--just because you're gay.
Don't ever let'm get to you.  Always keep on charging forward. You have
probably got a better shot at making a name for yourself than anyone who
has come out of this place. Don't ever give up."

He looked at me with brave eyes. Ryan knew that he wouldn't make it out
of that town.  He knew that his future was destined to be lived in our
sleepy little dot on a map.  Time meant nothing there, and it would soon
come to mean nothing to him as well.  I knew he would never complain
though.  His mom was there, Emmy's parent's were there, and the whole
cast of characters that watched him become a man would be there as well.

My head spun around as the sounds of crunching stone broke the silence
around us.  Someone was there.  I waited impatiently as the noise came
closer.

My Dad's truck pulled slowly around the corner of the house and slid into
the parking space between Kyle's car and Ryan's truck.  I watched as he
adjusted his hat in the rear-view mirror before climbing out of the cab.
Fear jolted down my spine-- why, I have no clue.  It felt like I was
about to be a less than willing participant in a duel.  I looked to Ryan
who wore a confident smile from ear to ear.

"Everything is gonna be cool," he said, "It's just your pops."

I quickly looked back to my Dad who seemed to be walking exceptionally
slow.  I counted his steps as he walked: 13, 14, 15. It was cold outside
but I could feel the sweat beginning to form on my back.  16, 17, 18.
Each time his foot hit the earth I cringed.  19, 20, 21.  I took a deep
breath.  My eyes instinctively fell to the ground.

"Mornin' boys." he said with a quiet intensity.

"Mornin." Ryan replied as he took another drag off his cigarette.

My stomach tightened as I pondered the reason of his visit. I thought
about what I would say; how I would react if things took a downhill turn.
Luckily my mother had not come. My dad was a level headed man who
expressed his displeasure in looks of disgust.  Instead of beating
someone to the ground he had the god-like ability to make him implode
from self loathing. Several ants scurried along on the ground below me,
oblivious to to the havoc that could begin at any moment.

I prayed for a way to get out of the mess I was in. I hoped that I would
close my eyes and wake up a year later when everything was calm.  My
father's imposing stature cast a long shadow on the ground. I shuddered.

"Ryan, would you mind leaving us for a moment." my father asked stepping
forward.

I watched in the corner of my eye as Ryan scraped his cigarette on the
cement step and put the butt in his pocket.

"No problem."  he replied as he turned and went inside.

I heard the screen door pull into its frame followed by the heavy
interior door of the kitchen.  We were alone.

My dad sat down next to me.  Without even looking I could conjour up his
image in my mind.  His old hands rested solidly on his knees, his eyes
held firm in a constant squint.  I could see him sitting there with a
look of repulsion on his face. I glanced at his feet.  When I was a child
I had always been amazed at how they dwarfed mine in comparison. Now, as
our boots rested next to each other they appeared similar in size and
wear. He and I both had big shoes to fill and all of the burdens that
came with them.

A wave of courage rose up from somewhere deep inside me. The shame that
surrounded me dissolved into nothingness   I lifted my gaze to meet his.
His eyes which I envisioned bearing a fiery resentment were instead
filled with sadness.  The deep creases of his face expressed remorse and
fear.

"Eric, your mother and I would like you to come home."

Wow. That was definitely not what I was expecting.  I let go of the
breath that I had been holding onto and felt my body relax instantly.
They wanted me back. They wanted me to come home.

"Your mother has been in tears since you left," he paused for a moment,
"She didn't mean any of it.  She is afraid that she has lost you."

Of all the feelings that spun around me and all the words that were said,
the thing that stood out the most about coming out was the anguish on my
mom's face. The tears in her eyes burnt, the torment in her voice stung.
I had let the pain that built up inside me for so long hurt her as well.

"I'm so sorry for all of this." I said.

"Don't say that son. Never be sorry for something you didn't do." he
spoke soft and low, "If anyone should be apologizing it should be me.  I
should have opened my mouth before things got out of hand."

But I wasn't apologizing for being gay. I was sorry for hurting them, for
believing that they would stop loving me because I was gay. I was the one
who had yelled spitefully at my mother.  I was the one who had cursed my
father beneath my breath. I was the "failed son."  The one that was
destined to bring them public humiliation.

"We love you Eric and although this going to take a while for your mother
and I to work through, you need to know that you are still our son and
always will be. Nothing can change that."

He rested his big hand on my shoulder and patted me like fathers often
do.

"I love you too." I said quietly.  He smiled.

And that was that.  There was no sermon; no speech on the evil that
resided within me.  There was no declaration of contempt.  It was just as
Ryan, Bev, and my dad had said: they were my parents and I was their
son.  Nothing in the world could break that bond.

I remember sitting there in shock that is was finally over.  My secret
was no longer something to be hidden away.  I could be who I was destined
from birth to be, no longer seeking shelter in the carefully executed
guise I had adopted.  More than the shock though was a feeling of
disappointment. Yeah, I was gay-- but now what. I never experienced the
jubilant feelings of liberation that I was expecting.  There was nothing
physical that I could touch or see that told me that anything had
changed.

That evening I lay in my own bed.  My pillows and blankets were there.
The lumpy mattress was just as lumpy as before.  There was something
about it though that did not feel the same.  I stared at the ceiling and
tried to figure out what it was that had changed.  Then it hit me.  My
world had been turned on its head since the last time I was in that bed.
Things could be forgotten but only for a moment; any longer and they
never existed.  I could not make myself forget about what happened to
Justin.  I could not hide my thoughts of Kyle away forever.  No matter
how hard I tried there was not way to keep them from coming back to me.

So I invited them in and asked them to stay.  My memories and I, alone at
last.  We spoke quietly and shouted at the top of our lungs.  We laughed,
and naturally, cried too. There were so many good times to talk and so
many sad ones to recall as well. We listened to the lessons learned and
pondered about the future. We trashed our past mistakes and praised our
successes. Most importantly though we made peace.  Justin was there and I
told him all that he meant to me.  Kyle was there and I told him I missed
him.  Ryan showed up at the last minute (as always) and I made sure he
knew how thankful I was.  We reminisced for a long time until the
persistent call of the night became too great and we all drifted off to
sleep.